WASHINGTON — Senator Bernie Sanders suspended his presidential campaign earlier today in what can only be described as a national act of “socialism distancing,” according to an official press release from the Democratic National Committee.
“The country has collectively decided this was the best way to not spread any more wild ideas about how a government should treat its citizens,” said DNC spokesperson Tom Perez. “The American people are taking several precautions, such as maintaining a distance of 60 years from any real change and regularly washing their hands of community solidarity. Those who are sick and uninsured are recommended to go fuck themselves; those in college should switch to online classes — like from a free YouTube tutorial — if they want to avoid overwhelming debt. Do we really need more doctors right now?”
“Small gatherings of the top one percent are actively encouraged,” Perez added. “Who are we to tell them to stop having their child sex trafficking parties?”
Sanders was discouraged by the country’s reaction to his candidacy, especially during a time he claimed the United States “needs socialist policies more than ever.”
“Everyone is overreacting to socialism,” said Senator Sanders defiantly. “Does anyone even remember the Red Scare? Are we going to live in fear of public roads, unions, and veteran healthcare, too? There are worse things we haven’t changed our lives over — like the failings of capitalism. I just hope more young people were infected with progressive political thoughts so the next election wipes out even more Republicans and establishment Democrats.”
Vice President Joe Biden had a mixed response when asked for comment.
“It’s a real honky-tonk thug,“ said Biden while wandering aimlessly by a pond. “I’d take it outside and hog-tie it to a maypole, poke it ‘til the sun don’t shine. Listen up, Skippy: I ain’t here to listen to a bunch of worm-headed cattle jockeys. I’m here to churn the butter into even more butter.”
At press time, people across the United States were refusing to adequately practice social distancing because it, like socialism, promotes the common good.