Austin, Texas — Local punk Michael Russell struggled yesterday to pick a T-shirt to wear while watching the Instagram live stream of local band Flower Pedals, according to his very frustrated girlfriend.
“It’ll be my first time since quarantine started that I’m actually watching a band’s live stream,” said Russell. “I’ve never done this before and I’m pretty nervous — I don’t want to end up looking like some sort of poser. You remember your first show, right? You wanted everyone to think you were cool. The only difference is that this time, my mom doesn’t have to drop me off. Although she does pay my phone bill, so…”
Not everyone was sympathetic to Russell’s anxieties, however — least of all Dana Moynihan, Russell’s girlfriend and roommate.
“I don’t understand why he’s so fixated on this,” said Moynihan. “Nobody but me is going to have to see him, but he still spent 45 minutes picking the perfect shirt. He’s actually worried that maybe the band will ask him to join the stream to sing along or something, and he wants to be prepared. I guess I shouldn’t complain too much, though — this is actually the first time in two weeks he’s taken a shower and worn something other than a crusty, hooded sweatshirt.
Local scene veteran and punk etiquette expert Patrick Klein believes this current crisis should not affect how one watches live music.
“It’s simple,” said Klein, ringing up a six pack. “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? If you’re gonna watch a band’s live stream, you still don’t want to be some knob wearing the band’s merchandise. We all know ‘that guy,’ and it still applies now. You’ve gotta walk the walk if you’re gonna talk the talk. Punk’s a mindset, it’s a lifestyle: you have to commit to it. But don’t commit to it too hard, because then all that effort makes you look like a tool.”
Russell is now reportedly shirtless in his living room so that he won’t overheat while typing lyrics in capital letters in the comments section.