HERNDON, Va. — Local woman Melissa Chang was upset today by a 45-minute long, politically charged birthday wish video from Jello Biafra that she ordered for her friend, Stacy “The Truck” Hansen, according to sources.
“I don’t know what happened. I just asked him to wish Stacy a happy birthday, say hi to Mark and the kids, and tell her that she rocks,” Chang said, confused and frightened as she watched the video in horror. “I can see that he’s in his car recording the video, and he does say ‘hi,’ but right when he’s about to start talking about Stacy, he sees a Chick-Fil-A billboard and just loses his mind. I haven’t even made it to the end — I completely zoned out somewhere around minute 13.”
Despite her friend’s frustration, Hansen thoroughly enjoyed Jello’s impassioned rant.
“All my other friends got me shitty Cameo videos from, like, Shaquielle O’Neal, or Martha Stewart, and they’re all like, ‘Hey, Stacy, just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, you’re the best!’” said Hansen. “This one? This one’s fuckin’ real. Jello doesn’t give a fuck about my birthday. I know that, and he knows I know that, so he doesn’t try to bullshit me. He just wants to educate, and he does that by meandering through a multitude of tangents about Trump, capitalism, old DIY San Francisco venues, and college athletes for a very long time. I really appreciate it.”
Biafra offered a lengthy statement on the video, which he refused to refund but did promise to add to eventually, with “Birthday Wish for Stacy” videos parts two through six.
“The commodification of something as simple as a birthday wish. Oh, how unfathomable it would be for us to simply express our feelings; no, in the capitalist utopia we live in, we outsource the expression our most basic feelings to big-shot celebrities like myself,” Biafra stated. “…and yet you wonder why nobody in this country knows a thing about the real Ronald Reagan [abridged].”
At press time, Biafra had been suspended from Cameo after inciting violence against police officers during a “Congrats, Grad!” video for a 17-year-old boy.