You’ve Heard of Elf on a Shelf but Have You Heard My Band’s Demo I Sent You Six Months Ago?

Posted on by Trevor Graham

Well, it’s that magical time of the year again. It’s the holidays and all that capitalist bullshit that we used to make fun of when we were younger and best friends. You remember those days don’t you? When we supported each other and our dreams? Like when we started bands and were excited for each other? Boy, we had some good times, didn’t we?

It’s also the time when everyone on social media shares that “You’ve heard of elf on a shelf but have you heard of…” meme. And sure, it’s funny and all and I get most of the jokes but I ask you now for real, as my friend, you’ve heard of Elf on a shelf but have you heard my band’s demo I sent you six months ago?

Seriously though, I sent it to you over the summer and you haven’t said a whisper about it. You haven’t reached out yet to tell me how sick it is. And obviously you would have done that immediately after listening to it because it is sick.

It’s the gift-giving season when friends give each other presents that are meaningful and will bring joy to their lives and I gave you the greatest gift of all… the gift of music. My music! But I guess you’re “too busy” with your “job” where you “earn a living” and don’t have to mooch off your “girlfriend” who you “hate” and will “definitely dump once those A&R guys hear your demo and you get signed”, right?

I know for a fact you went with your family to see Christmas carolers which I know you hate. How long did that take, two hours? But you can’t take time to listen to my psych-garge-hypno-core opus? It’s only 72 minutes of your time. I thought we were friends. Maybe I need to have Santa put another copy of my demo in your stocking?

And honestly, I don’t want to hear the excuse that since we released the demo only on cassette and not digitally that it makes it impossible to listen to. How hard is it to go on eBay, find someone selling a cassette player, make sure they aren’t a Russian scammer, enter your credit card number, pay for it, make sure your identity hasn’t been stolen, wait six weeks, and then get the player and hook it up to some old speakers (somehow) and listen to my band’s demo? Is that asking too much for one of your oldest friends?

Punk Hallmark Movie Features Scene Veteran Opening Piercing Shop in Cozy Small Town

Posted on by Bob Kerr

LOS ANGELES — Hallmark revealed that their latest holiday movie titled “The Christmas Stud” will feature a punk scene veteran opening a piercing shop in a small cozy town, confirmed mildly interested sources.

“It’s about a scene vet named Spike Mayhem who returns to their hometown of Chestnut Grove, New York and opens a piercing shop to the shock and horror of the town locals,” said Stephen Parker, the writer and director of the film. “I had the idea for the script when I was working at a piercing shop and I was threading this barbell through this guy’s anus and all I could think was, ‘there’s a Hallmark movie in here somewhere.’ Anyway, the film concludes in typical weepy fashion with the townsfolk accepting Spike into their community as they line up to have their septums pierced. I would have included a romance for our main character, but unfortunately, punks do not experience love.”

This is a first for Hallmark whose movies usually feature young attractive people running bookstores and cafes.

“We’re very proud of ‘The Christmas Stud,’” said Hallmark’s CEO, Mike Perry. “The movie is going to introduce a really fresh feel to our brand and it’s a great opportunity to highlight a group of people who are often understood as the gross genital warts of society. On top of that, we even have a goth holiday movie in the works where the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future visit the singer of Bauhaus, but no lessons are learned because they all just hang out and shoot the shit. We are breaking ground here.”

Punk icon Richard Hell was enthused about the movie, noting that this could mark an interesting shift within the scene itself.

“Finally, a Hallmark movie geared toward me, specifically,” said Hell. “Hallmark is the new punk rock! People keep saying how their movies are super fucking repetitive and cookie cutter. You know what else is super fucking repetitive? Punk music! Three chords, we hate authority, blah blah blah. What we need most right now to change things up is a Hallmark movie. Then a Lifetime feature. And our own section at Michael’s. We must infiltrate the ‘60-year-old mom’ market in every facet.”

At press time, Hallmark announced that there is already plans for a sequel based on the Dead Kennedys song “Too Drunk To Fuck.”

20 Best Christmas Songs For Your “Eyes Wide Shut” Party

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

Whether you are among the 1% aristocrats or just a big Kubrick fan playing pretend, Christmas is a time to get naked and recreate everyone’s favorite orgy in cinema history. Of Course no party is complete without the perfect party mix. Here are the 20 best songs to make the event merry and bright. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

20. The Pogues “Fairytale of New York”

As Tom Cruise’s doctor character lives in Central Park West, “Eyes Wide Shut” is of itself a fairytale of New York. I didn’t bother to look up the lyrics but assume it just covers the plot of the film. The duet between Shane MacGowen and Kirsty MacColl is a beautiful upbeat love song that can really cheer people up.

19. Run DMC “Christmas In Hollis”

The classic rap song most people know because of its appearance in the movie “Die Hard.” What’s that? You are rolling your eyes at someone bringing up that “Die Hard” is kinda almost a Christmas movie while you are busy having your “Eyes Wide Shut” Christmas Bacchanalia? I’m sure with your deep perception of film analysis on the themes of marriage and sex you can also perceive your own hypocrisy. Exhausted meme or not, the song is great.

18. Adam Sandler “Technical Foul”

Although everyone at your sex party is wearing a mask to remain anonymous, it doesn’t mean that some of the masked guests won’t be Jewish. Don’t let them feel left out with all this Christmas music and give them a nice song from the Hanukkah classic “8 Crazy Nights” where Adam Sandler sings as three different lovable characters. Also gives important rules for etiquette at someone’s mansion.

17. Ariel Pink “Rudolph’s Laptop”

Apparently Ariel Pink wrote a Christmas song about Hunter Biden. Obviously, a wealthy man who loves sex and drugs as much as Hunter Biden is welcome at any “Eyes Wide Shut” Party. It’s too bad the song is choppy, its Rudolph connection feels incredibly forced, and the rant against Big Tech being in bed with Democrats has already aged poorly from when it came out two years ago. Hope to see ya at the party, Hunter! Ariel can stay home.

16. The Ramones “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want To Fight Tonight)”

A good reminder in case people are smoking weed and the pot is making them aggressive. Christmas and orgies are not a time of anger. The Ramones and their notoriously relaxing vibes will ensure that everyone is having a good, relaxed time. That’s why they all wear such snuggly leather jackets.

15. The Residents “Santa Dog”

The Residents are prime examples of how to attend an “Eyes Wide Shut” Party properly: Tuxedos, masks, and remaining completely anonymous. Not to mention that the song has great lyrics if you want to pull out the karaoke machine. You’ll probably have everyone chanting the universally known lyrics “Santa dogs’ a Jesus fetus” regardless.

14. Wham “Last Christmas”

This song goes out to everyone from last year’s orgy that accidentally fell in love. And now once again, they’ve fallen in love all over again, probably repeating the same mistakes. Falling in love goes against orgy rules but sometimes the heart wants what it wants. C’est la vie one supposes.

13. Alvin & The Chipmunks “The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)”

At normal speed it’s not much, but when played slowed down enough so that the vocals sound like regular humans, it makes the rhythm perfect for your ritual of women sitting nude in a circle as you wave around incense. The slowing down of Dave’s voice at the beginning is icing on the cake as it comes close to sounding like Gregorian chanting.

12. Fear “Fuck Christmas”

A good reminder of what your celebration is all about. The song is called “Fuck Christmas” and you are having a Christmas where everyone fucks. It’s not hard to see why it made the list. The band is of course also called Fear which fits what you will be instilling in any intruders who think they are worthy enough to join.

11. Bing Crosby and David Bowie “Little Drummer Boy”

Story goes that Bowie really hated this song and didn’t want to sing it. Of course he had to because the performance was a humiliation ritual to gain access to Bing Crosby’s secret Christmas sex parties. Bowie, failing to be as big of a sex symbol as Bing Crosby, would do anything to prove his worth.

10. Clarence Carter “Back Door Santa”

A touching song about going door to door having sex. Probably the most overtly sexual song here because who has time for subtlety on the best night of the year. The term “back door” probably pimples something too but whatever that could be is a good conversation piece between fornicating guests who are too shy to figure out how to make small talk.

9. Frank Sinatra “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”

The lyrics about how you should watch out and knowing when you’re sleeping is more of a threat to any interlopers who dared to invite themselves to your party. This is a private gathering and anyone who thinks they can just take a cab ride over must be given the fullest extent of warning if they dare speak of what they saw.

8. Bob Dylan “Must Be Santa”

Sometimes after your secret party people might be noticing strange things the day after like people following them or people who look like the guests found dead. When people ask who could be doing such things, it’s best to shrug and say “must be santa” to all the worrywarts. Plus who can resist the sexiness of Bob’s shaky voice?

7. Spike Jones & His City Slickers “All I Want For Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth)”

Like all elite parties, children’s teeth will be served wrapped in bacon as hors d’oeuvres. When this song comes on, it’s time for your catering staff in Mardi Gras masks to come out behind the secret doors and serve the famished guests as all they’ll be wanting is this delicious snack with their name on it.

6. Dolly Parton “Hard Candy Christmas”

There’s no sugarcoating things, if you want a truly accurate “Eyes Wide Shut” party you are going to be hiring a lot of sex workers. If you are going to be hiring sex workers, make them feel welcome with this beautiful diddy from the musical “The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas.” Also to remind people to take a goody bag of hard candy when leaving.

5. A.J. and Big Justice “Jingle Boom”

The only reason the Costco Guys are as popular as they are is clearly because they must have access to some elite gatherings like these. The kid is obviously too young for such an event, so the dad will probably fly solo when it comes to entering the sex dungeon. As they are among these elite, they’re music must be honored. Be on the lookout for any masked guest saying “Double CHUNK Chocolate COOKIE” if you are looking to network with him.

4. Melvins “Charmicarmicat”

With the album cover art and being titled “Eggnog,” this whole EP by the Melvins is clearly a Christmas album. All four tracks of sludge metal are perfect for naked ballroom dancing, but if have to choose one song it would have to be “Charmicarmicat” as it makes for a great safe word.

3. Piano Peace “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing”

Recreate the classic scene from “It’s A Wonderful Life” where George Bailey berates his daughter for playing this song only this time the one playing the piano is some guy you hired to arrive blindfolded no questions asked! Also through the night the two of you can have fun banter like a Tonight Show host and his band leader.

2. Band Aid “Do They Know It’s Christmas”

Band Aid took the biggest, most important people in the world together to make beautiful music all in one room. If that’s not a great comparison for an “Eyes Wide Shut” party, then I don’t know what possibly could be. Plus it’s for charity and this time is all about giving.

1. John Cage “4’33’’ 

If you claim four and a half minutes of silence can’t be about Christmas, then explain the song “Silent Night” little Miss Know-it-all. Also, the song is about using the atmosphere itself as an instrument so if it is played on Christmas, then Christmas itself is being used as an instrument. Besides the song being classy, it also gives everyone a moment of silence to think about their actions and what led them to attend an orgy.

Flair Bartender Probably Didn’t Need to Do All That With Man’s Prosthetic Leg

Posted on by Matt Husser

LAS VEGAS — Flair bartender Nico Cavalcante drew criticism from his customers today after they all agreed that he probably didn’t need to do all that with a patron’s prosthetic leg, sources confirmed.

“I was as impressed as everyone else when the bartender lit that guy’s prosthetic leg on fire and twirled it around, but there is a small part of me that questions if any of that was necessary to make a Mai Tai,” said Tom Clemens, sipping a $36 cocktail while watching the patron pour water on his melted leg. “Far be it from me to tell him how to do his job, but he was gyrating on it in front of that bachelorette party for a really long time, and the two-minute air guitar solo felt a little indulgent if his big finale was just opening a beer with the leg.”

While the boozy spectacle drew skepticism from his patrons, Cavalcante fiercely defended his artistic vision.

“Every maestro needs an instrument for their muse to communicate through: Michelangelo had his sculpting chisel, Phil Collins had his drum set, and I have that guy’s prosthetic leg,” said Cavalcante, contact juggling with a questionably-sourced glass eye. “My adoring admirers travel across the world to witness incredible feats of acrobatic mixology that delights all of their senses, and that requires each of the six Ps of flair bartending: Precision, Passion, Presentation, Personality, Professionalism, and, if the opportunity arises, Prosthetics. I defy anyone that was there that day to tell me that the ‘Lieutenant Dan Maneuver’ wasn’t absolutely vital to crafting the perfect cocktail.”

Cavalcante’s mentor, Tommy “Reno” Kowalsky, insisted that if you want to be the best, you have to use everything at your disposal—no matter what the haters say.

“Let me tell you somethin’, hombre, when flair bartenders step behind the bar we’re entering the Thunderdome, where one wrong move can be the difference between life and liquid death. I taught that young buck everything I know, and if you wanna create unforgettable cocktails sometimes you gotta break all the rules—and a few medical prostheses along the way,” said Kowalsky, performing a complicated spin move while polishing a large trophy. “I won the ’89 World Flair Bartending Championship by performing a ‘Bangkok Rim N’ Tug’ combo set to ‘Ave Maria’ and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house when I wrung a Long Island Iced Tea out of that sick lady’s wig.”

At press time, Cavalcante reportedly took first at this year’s World Flair Bartending Championship despite some audience members questioning if he needed to do all that with that guy’s cremation urn.

I Didn’t Do Seven Years of Community College for You to Not Address Me as Associate of Arts, Pal

Posted on by Sidney Conant

As the unofficial assistant hiring manager for Frankie’s Frozen Pizzas Incorporated, I’ve seen my fair share of disrespectful candidates, but I can’t say I recall a potential hire as inconsiderate as the man I see before me today. You walk into my office, shake my hand, and then deliberately ignore the framed degree I put next to my nameplate and call me “Mr. Frankie Jr.” like I’m some sort of chump? Listen to me very carefully, bud:

I didn’t do seven years of community college for you to not address me as Associate of Arts, a’ight?

I paid my way through school with nothing but the money I earned working here a couple of days a month, and a small, six-figure trust my father started for me by cutting back employee benefits. I think the least you could do is refer to me by my proper title, and maybe throw in a little salute or something.

Seriously, any dough-slinger can do it. You see those guys over there? “Hey Frankie, Associate of Arts, what the fuck you doing adding cinnamon to the sauce?” this, and “Yo Frankster, AA, if you don’t put on some goddamn shoes when you’re on my floor” that. Simple stuff, even if they ain’t anywhere near as smart or financially savvy as I am. And when I graduated? Oof, they made me the best pie you could think of and spelled out “Papa’s Nepporoni” with the toppings, which they tell me is Italian for “Your Successes are All Your Own.” And I’ll take their word for it, because I don’t speak dead languages.

Says here you got an education, too, in something called Chemical Engineering, whatever that is. Be honest with me: did you ever take History of Calzones 150? Because I’d like to see you try to even get a C- in that class, which was coincidentally the grade I got on my third go-around. No, pal, I don’t know what a PhD is—is that some kind of dumb person disease you picked up for being a complete dingdong?

Hold on, is Rose Totino Community College, home of the Mighty Minneapolis Margheritas, a little too highbrow for a man of your juvenile sensibilities? Would you have given me some respect if I’d attended Yale or Stanford or one of those other stupid, made-up universities you keep yammering on about? Or is someone just a little upset that they can’t compete with a guy who spent nearly a decade in academia to get to where they are now in their family business?

Yeah, go on and get out of here, buddy—we don’t need ya. We only hire the best, and you clearly ain’t it.

Man, once I sign on my first employee, Pops is going to be so proud.

Quentin Tarantino Caught Sucking The Mistletoe

Posted on by Evan Vest

LOS ANGELES — A decorative mistletoe went missing at a Hollywood holiday party only to be discovered in a private bedroom being sucked on by major filmmaker and noted foot fetishist Quentin Tarantino, alarmed sources report.

“I could tell the vibe was getting weird from the moment he walked in the door and realized it was a ‘shoes off’ house,” reported a partygoer who asked us to remain anonymous. “Quentin’s eyes lit up, and he just kinda hovered around the heels and flats by the door, with a look on his face like he was admiring found treasure. I’ve never been more happy to have a spare pair of socks in my purse.”

Some guests had a more positive outlook on the situation.

“I’ll be honest, when I heard that no one could seem to find Quentin, it was a bit of a relief. I’m not sure I was ready to handle the constant talking” said Hollywood actor and frequent Tarantino collaborator Brad Pitt. “Every time we run into each other at one of these, it becomes a marathon of him listing these weird, obscure movies that he wants to re-make for a new audience. Sometimes I just want to grab him and tell him that most people don’t find ‘70s exploitation cinema as fascinating as he does”.

When asked to comment about his mistletoe fellating, a very sweaty Tarantino pulled the mistletoe out of his mouth to defend his behavior.

“You know, this gives me a great idea for a movie,” said Tarantino, much to the chagrin of the partygoers around him. “Think about it. The movie is set in Hollywood, 1977. Huge Christmas party attended by the hottest celebrities in town is suddenly crashed by a jaded actress who has come to seek revenge on the city and industry that burned her by showing and setting everybody on fire with, uh, a flamethrower attached to… a knife! That part can be played by Anya Taylor-Joy, as long as she agrees to be barefoot the whole time.”

Tarantino reportedly continued to be a weird nuisance at the party until he was forcibly removed for shoehorning in the N-word during the Christmas Carol sing-a-long.

Gavin Newsom Calls for State of Emergency After Realizing He Hasn’t Been In the News For a Couple of Weeks

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — California Governor Gavin Newsom declared a state of emergency after realizing it’s been well over two weeks since he was the center of attention, sources confirmed.

“This is a serious issue that needs to be addressed immediately. Some people said I should wait until Christmas and release a nice family photo that says ‘Happy Holidays from the Newsoms,’ but that’s just not feasible. There are too many cameras in California, and I need most of them on me at all times,” said Governor Newsom while flashing a smile to an intern. “A few months back I single-handedly solved homelessness in this great state by posing with a shovel at a cleared-out encampment, and nobody seems to be talking about that anymore. They say the problem is worse than ever, that we need a complete overhaul of our system, and they couldn’t be more wrong. It’s fixed, I fixed it. Now point your cameras at me while I smile and point. I even have a headline for you ‘Governor Newsom Shines Brighter Than the Stars Above.’ Print it, that will move units.”

At press time, Governor Newsom was caught on a hot mic reciting Patrick Bateman’s opening monologue in “American Psycho.”

Scientists Warn that Random Women With Band Shirts May Be Asked to Name Upwards of 8 Songs by 2050

Posted on by Peter Woods

STANFORD, Calif. — Scientists from Stanford University’s Center for Social Climate Research issued a new report claiming that women wearing band shirts may be asked by random men to name as many as eight songs by as early as 2050, much sooner than scientists previously anticipated.

“We don’t want to be alarmists but this is just the tip of the iceberg,” said scientist Paula Carita. “It gets far worse than just naming eight songs. You may be expected to name, at minimum, four albums, two related side projects, and any brand crossovers from the past five years. And our worst predictions say you will have to name at least four members, even if the band is a trio. Which is just not sustainable for human life.”

Following the publication of the Center’s findings, some members of the public have immediately begun preparing for this “new normal.”

“It’s already been so bad out there, I can’t imagine how it can get worse,” said Ilona Annachiara after just being asked by a stranger to name three intergalactic constellations because of her NASA shirt. “But I have to be ready for the worst. Just yesterday, I was wearing a tour t-shirt and random men kept berating me for not having memorized every tour stop on the back. When did it get this bad? It was only a few months ago that they would just flash me and move on with their day.”

Yet others have taken a proactive approach by demanding accountability before it gets too late.

“Men are the ones who are putting us in this mess and it’s men who need to fix it,” said Shaindel Faiza, communications director for Let Women Like Things, a California-based social justice organization. “Not everyone needs to be a totally unfuckable nerd about the music they listen to and men need to respect that before it’s too late. If women want to act like every song they hear is named after the first lyric they can remember, then that is their god given right and we’re going to fight until everyone in this country respects that.”

At press time, scientists revealed that, on the plus side, because of the effects of climate change, there will be less men in general by 2050.

Son, You’re Old Enough To Know the Truth — There Is No Santa Claus, and Your Mother and I Enjoy a Cuck/Hotwife Dynamic

Posted on by Dan Rice

Son, I will not be mailing your Christmas wishlist to the North Pole this year, please have a seat. Over the years your mother and I have told you all about Santa, how he watches you all year to see if you’re good, how his elves build you toys at his workshop, how he visits every home in the world in a single night. I’m sure, by now, you’ve seen some cracks in the facade. You must have asked yourself at some point “How does he do it all in one night” or “How can a schlub like my dad satisfy a smokeshow like mom?” The answer to both questions is, he doesn’t.

Son, Santa Claus, and the implied monogamous bounds of my marriage to your mother, are just myths. Sometimes, parents need to make stuff up to encourage their children to be good or mask the deviant psycho-sexual proclivities of their particular, unique bond. We just wanted you to get the most out of being that age where you can believe in things like flying reindeer and Santa coming down the chimney and your old man having the endowment a stamina to keep up with your hellcat mother. You only get one childhood after all.

I know right now you’re thinking “If there’s no Santa, who was the guy in the red suit who surprised us Christmas morning when I was seven?” Son, that was just an actor we hired. Maybe you’re thinking “Then who was the guy plowing mom when I opened their bedroom door unexpectedly?” Well, that was the same actor, who your mother easily seduced while I listened from the bathroom. And before you ask, yes, the fact that we paid him for his acting services beforehand blurred the line between what is and is not a contractual sexual relationship and added a tantalizing layer of taboo for everyone involved.

You’re a smart kid, I’m sure on some level you’ve pierced all of this together long ago but to confirm, yes — your mother and I got you all of those presents, and your mother’s constant infidelity, far from scorning me, arouses and delights me more than any drug on the face of this earth. Believe me, I’ve tried them all.

We just feel that you’re getting a little old to be believing in things like Santa Claus or staying in the dark about your parent’s sexual lifestyle. You’re in your late 50s now, practically a man, and your mother and I would like to turn the den into a dungeon/kink community space. Please leave.

Sisqó Teams Up with New York Philharmonic for “Thong Song 2025”

Posted on by Jeff Bender

NEW YORK — American R&B singer Sisqó revealed that he would be collaborating with the New York Philharmonic to perform a rendition of the 1999 hit “Thong Song,” confirmed sources who vaguely remembered that song.

“I’ve been thinking about this since I saw a Vitamin Water ad with 50 Cent conducting an orchestra to ‘In Da Club.’ I figured it was time for me to grow up as well, show my audience that I’m an artist, not just some 20-year-old who’s interested in watching girls’ booty shake,” said the singer, now 46. “When I approached all 100 members of the Philharmonic at once about the collaboration, they weren’t sure the line ‘dumps like a truck’ would fit with a bassoon. But after convincing them that the audience of this song is now old enough to appreciate Beethoven, he immediately agreed.”

New York Philharmonic director Jaap van Zweden was excited about the opportunity to join forces with someone he hadn’t actually heard of previously.

“I have always wanted to perform a song specifically about women’s underwear. I’m going to start with a lone oboe, a lamb lost in the woods, and continue to layer the instrumentation while the narrative—whose throughline concerns a thin piece of fabric between butt cheeks—starts to take form,” said the composer. “The woodwinds rise out of a piano-forte, and we’re off, climbing the double-mountain. The timpani appears, rising alongside a cymbal roll that smashes down like waves—so that by the climax the audience’s heart is racing as I turn around and tear away my tuxedo pants to reveal a red satin thong. The message of the chorus is ‘let me see that thong.’ That’s exactly what I plan to do.”

Symphonic historian Klaus Wagner, PhD, wasn’t surprised to learn of the pairing.

“Everybody in classical music dreams of collaborating with Sisqó. But what is it about this particular composition? Is it the harrowing shift from C-sharp to D-minor? The increasing modulation? The surging instrumental section preceding the finale?” said the author of “The Definitive Guide to Classical.” “Personally, I think it’s the subtlety of the line ‘thong-tha-thong-thong-thong.’ Mozart would have given his left nut to write a melody that simple, yet elegant. But unfortunately, we’ll have to settle for his ‘Piano Concerto No.21’ track instead.”

Meanwhile, across the country, Kirst Novoselic and Dave Grohl reunited to collaborate with the Seattle Symphony on an update of “Rape Me.”