Every Circle Jerks Album Ranked

Posted on June 4, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

As much fun as it was for me rank all these albums, I was skeptical at what an SEO nightmare it was going to be for me to have my name featured so prominently beside terms like “Group Sex” “Golden Shower” and the six dozen times I had to use the phrase “Circle Jerks” But, luckily for you, I manned up, swallowed my pride, and banged this out (ah jeez.) Anyway, whether you just know them from their self-deprecating cameo as the lounge band in “Repo Man” or respect them to the ends of the earth for solidifying the L.A hardcore sound, The Circle Jerks are punk legends for a damn good reason. And I’m more than happy to destroy my reputation to future employers who may be Googling me on their behalf.

6. Wönderful (1985)

One of two albums of theirs that clocks in at over 30 minutes, and you know what they say: if a Circle Jerks record lasts longer than a half hour, consult a physician immediately. Though it’s got some fun stuff going on at various points – the Seven Dwarfs-esque whistling on the hook of the title track, and that magnificent country-fried guitar solo on “Mrs. Jones” come to mind – it just isn’t up to the snotty, rabid standard we know these fellas are capable of. At the end of the day, Wönderful is a tad ünderwhelming.

Play It Again: “Dude”
Skip It: “15 Minutes”

5. Oddities Abnormalities and Curiosities (1995)

Known as the only major label release from our boys, we’re going to dub this “not the worst” due to the sheer experimentation. After almost a decade of not recording, these fellows could have gone full dad-reunion mode and gone through the motions, but hell, they let Zander Schloss play the sitar on this thing, so who are we to rank it last? They’re throwing everything against the wall, and some of it even sticks (this is the Circle Jerks we’re talking about here, so those walls are pretty sticky to begin with.)

Play It Again: “Brick” comes closest to sounding like their classic sound.
Skip It: “Sinking Ship”

4. VI (1987)

A considerable step up from Wönderful, VI may slow the tempos a tad, but it certainly doesn’t ease up on the energy! A lot of the time, they sound akin to a stimulant-affected Psychedelic Furs, which is pretty cool. The kickoff track “Beat Me Senseless” toggles a “Crazy Train”-like riff into something undeniably sick. Also, they keep their penchant for revving up ‘60s classics alive by snarling through a rendition of “Fortunate Son” that rips pretty hard.

Play it Again: “I’m Alive”
Skip It: “Casualty Vampires”

3. Wild In The Streets (1982)

Wild in the Streets doesn’t quite reach the inept catharsis of their debut, but it’s lightyears away from anything approaching a sophomore slump. Tiptoeing deftly across the tightrope strung up over a pit full of “same ol’, same ol’,” Wild in the Streets deserves to be firmly in the top three. Hetson’s guitar work is especially in the spotlight here, elevating songs like “Leave Me Alone” and their cover of “Just Like Me” to total essentials.

Play It Again: “Wild in the Streets”
Skip It: “Murder the Disturbed”

2. Group Sex (1980)

The type of album you have to yell “Fire in the hole!” before putting on, so the folks in your general vicinity are aware of what’s about to happen. The Circle Jerks’ debut is brash, bratty and beguilingly brief. It even gives us a “Beverly Hills” song that we actually want to listen to (Sorry, Rivers Cuomo.) Cementing their juvenile sense of humor and flagrant disregard for anything requiring an attention span, “Group Sex” plants the flag for SoCal hardcore…just don’t expect any flowers to grow anywhere near it. Too much beer and urine in that soil.

Play it Again: “World Up My Ass”
Skip it: Good luck skipping any, man. They’ll be over before you reach the button.

1. Golden Shower of Hits (1983)

Speaking of the yellow stuff…Here we have the culmination of everything the Circle Jerks are all about. Blistering chainsaw riffs, croaked-throat vocals from Keith Morris in his prime, and a hefty dose of toilet jokes. From the door-kicking-down “In Your Eyes” to the tongue-in-cheek closing medley of soft-rock radio hits, and everything crammed in between, there’s a reason it’s not called “Silver or Bronze Shower of Hits”…this one takes the gold.

Play It Again: Sure
Skip It: Like a stone, across the river, landing perfectly on a turntable on the other side.

10 Ska Songs So Good That Even the People That Pretend to Hate Ska Admit to Liking Them

Posted on June 4, 2023 by Eric Navarro

In one of the many ways ska is similar to grindcore, it’s very much a “love it or hate it” kind of genre, but nobody secretly listens to grindcore when nobody is watching. We don’t know exactly what it is about ska that people just can’t get past. Maybe it’s the bright colors or the loud shirts. Maybe it’s the puns or the horns. Maybe it’s the fact that your childhood sucked because you weren’t 11 during the Summer of Ska. We’ll never know. But we did compile a list of 10 ska songs that everyone enjoys. Or at least you’ll be able to see the merit in it. You’ll still make fun of it though. That never stops being fun.

“Drunk Again” by Reel Big Fish

Let’s start you off with a song that’s the furthest thing from ska on this list. “Drunk Again” is a departure for RBF and sounds like emo Elton John. It’s a beautifully sad track that showcases the band’s incredible songwriting abilities. Warning: there are horns. There aren’t any upstrokes though. We won’t throw you into the deep end just yet. This one’s for all of you big ballad lovers out there.

“Sunday Morning” by No Doubt

Maybe the ubiquitous social mockery of ska is keeping you from getting into these bands. Well, how about a song by a mainstream-approved artist like Gwen Stefani? This one doesn’t even have horns so you’ll be fine. If you can watch The Voice with no shame, you can hear a guitar play on the offbeats for a few verses. Check this one out if you like pop or radio rock music in general.

“These Scars Won’t Heal Themselves” by I Voted For Kodos

Perhaps it’s ska’s upbeat nature of ska that makes you dismiss it as a credible genre. This emo/ska track from IV4K is something horn-y that’s a real treat for Taking Back Sunday and Senses Fail fans. Screams and trombones, what’s not to love?! Plus, this band was named after a Simpsons reference and Matt Groening mentioned the band in a DVD commentary track so they get some cred for that.

“Beer (Song)” by Mustard Plug

Let’s say you just want to go to a show, get drunk, and mosh to four-chord punk songs you can “woah-oh” along to. Well then Mustard Plug’s closer “Beer” is for you. And if you like that one, check out their “Evildoers Beware” album. It was produced by Bill Stevenson and Stephen Egerton so, like, come on dude.

“Relocate the Beat” by Big D and the Kids Table

For this one, maybe it’s the name of the band you can’t get past. That’s fair. Ska has a sense of humor about itself. That’s part of the charm. Sometimes, you have to really listen to decipher what’s a joke and what’s for real. “Relocate the Beat” is a masterclass in musicianship and lets their drummer absolutely go off. The album it comes from, “Strictly Rude,” is a great listen for musicians and music nerds alike.

“Would You Be Impressed” by Streetlight Manifesto

Streetlight Manifesto’s genre classification has been debated at length. In the end, they have a sound that’s unique to them and ska is one of the genres that goes into making that sound. “Would You Be Impressed” combines incredible musicianship with tight, catchy songwriting with mosh-inducing speed and intensity. It’s simply a great song. It’s ska, and it’s okay to enjoy it.

**“Look What Happened” by Less Than Jake (Borders & Boundaries version)**

Less Than Jake experienced an incredible amount of mainstream success with their non-ska album, so we’re recommending the original version of their single “Look What Happened” from the “Borders & Boundaries” album. It’s a catchy alternative rock song with incredibly heartfelt vocals, and lyrics that pump you up for the big moment going into the final chorus.

“Someday I Suppose” by Mighty Mighty Bosstones

We’ve officially entered pure, uncut ska territory. At this point, you should have the proper context to hear a ska song and listen to it for what it is, as opposed to the cheesestick-eating, rollerblading monster the people who make memes would have you believe. So when you hear this song… you get it, right? Like, you get why this song is great. You HAVE to get it. You don’t have to get why they paid a guy to just dance though. And so what if Adam Carolla uses it as his show’s theme song, we all forgot about that guy years ago.

“Sound System” by Operation Ivy

Okay, this is it. This is our last ditch effort. If you don’t get why people like ska after listening to this song then we can’t help you. We can only hope to prevent whatever disease you have from spreading.

“Ska Sucks” by Propagandhi

If you made it through this entire playlist and you still think ska music is cringe-fueled nonsense noise, then we STILL have a ska recommendation for you. This is the most conventionally-written third-wave ska-punk song on the entire list and it’s about exactly what you’re feeling right now. Ska rules. Fuck you.

Opinion: Quiet Confidence Has Nothing on Loud Insecurity

Posted on June 4, 2023 by Mimi Kenny

Spend enough time scrolling through Instagram or aimlessly clicking through Pinterest boards and you’ll see all kinds of advocacy for something called “quiet confidence,” where you recognize your strengths and feel comfortable in yourself without needing to prove to anyone else that you have value. Now that’s all well and good for the “wake up at 6, in bed by 10” crowd, but I tried quiet confidence and let me tell you, it pales compared to the rush of loud insecurity.

I was telling my therapist about how any criticism at work eats away at me to the point that I’m running back and forth to the bathroom to soak paper towels in water to hide any signs of crying. She suggested I do some journaling to help me untangle my negative thought patterns. Now, I can’t say this didn’t work because I didn’t bother trying it. Instead, I loudly mentioned every mistake made by my coworkers to help deflect any criticism. This has yielded far more satisfying results.

This isn’t limited to the workplace. I’ve also harnessed this power to turn all my interpersonal relationships into one-sided pleas for validation that inevitably implode when the other person has enough of me bringing up that I was wait-listed at Dartmouth any time I’m around someone who I perceive to be smarter than me. Did I get in? Nope. But that doesn’t mean I can’t name-drop an Ivy League school to help puff up my ego for a minute!

I also have to shout out the internet and social media for making it so easy to broadcast my debilitating lack of self-esteem. After all, what better way to scrutinize my worth as a human than by giving me an endless number of platforms to express how I have no conception of myself as anything but a vessel for others’ scorn? And if I don’t get enough likes on a post, I’ll definitely follow it up with another one directly pleading for attention. How many is “enough?” I still don’t know!

But here’s what I do know: loud insecurity has helped me to realize my life’s purpose, which is to try and do all I can to be recognized as worthwhile and desirable without any sort of willingness to reflect on my flaws and work to change them through consistent effort. That’s pretty special, right?

Right?

RIGHT???

Ex-Hardcore Guitarist Who Joined the Worst Fucking Bar Rock Band Anyone’s Ever Heard Actually Seems Way Happier Now

Posted on June 4, 2023 by Peter Woods

BOSTON – Bernie Callahan, ex-guitarist for local hardcore band Scald, is now performing with objectively horrendous bar rock band Tough N’ Stuff and thoroughly enjoying himself, sources feeling betrayed report.

“I’m pretty sure that Steve from Woeful is going to absolutely drag me as soon as he sees this, but that’s fine,” said Callahan while learning how to play Lit’s “My Own Worst Enemy.” “But he doesn’t understand I’m finally playing music people actually enjoy. People say ‘nice set’ to me and actually mean it. Not to mention I just got paid twice as much as that band made last year combined, and I get to go to bed before midnight. Not to mention I’ve been able to cut back my therapy sessions to twice a month. That’s just more money in the bank.”

Local promoter Claudine Osbourse allegedly saw Callahan smiling for the first time in 12 years while playing “uninspired” covers of The Rolling Stones and Santana.

“I can barely believe it’s the same guy,” said Osborne while sulkily smoking a cigarette. “He used to be in the most pissed off hardcore band I’ve ever seen. And whenever he got off stage he was even worse, just absolutely furious every show that not enough people showed up or moshed hard enough. But when he got to do the background vocals for that AC/DC cover the other night, that was probably the first time I have ever seen him legitimately enjoying himself. I think I’m proud of him?”

While most are voicing their support for Callahan’s decision to prioritize his own mental health, some have criticized the guitarist’s musical 180.

“The guy is just torpedoing his career,” said local music critic Carlene Gibbs. “With this new band, there is absolutely no way he will ever gain any influence or notoriety beyond his local community. But if he had stuck with Scald for another seven or so years, he would have had a chance to reach upwards of sixty people in four or five counties. We’ve lost an entire generation of perhaps a dozen resentful and unfulfilled musicians who would have started as their base. No question.”

At press time, Callahan has reportedly gotten laid after a gig for the first time in his musical career.

More Big Tech Woes: LCD Soundsystem Announces Round of Layoffs

Posted on June 3, 2023 by John Danek

NEW YORK — VC startup and indie music factory LCD Soundsystem announced their first-ever round of layoffs affecting all organizational units effective immediately, worried economists report.

“I regret to announce that today is a difficult one for our organization; LCD Soundsystem, Incorporated is losing its edge and must lay off 34% of our workforce,” said frontman and CEO James Murphy in a company-wide email. “I offer my deepest gratitude to everyone affected for their years of service. But market forces dictate that we must tighten the belt if we hope to produce another ‘Sound of Silver’ down the line or have Daft Punk ever play at my house again.”

Seniority did not seem to be a major factor in deciding which departments and employees would suffer the cuts.

“I was just two years away from a pension and I’m devastated,” uttered a crestfallen Nancy Whang, one of the longest-tenured employees at LCD Soundsystem. “I was brought into the conference room where James gave me the news in an obviously prepared 30-second speech, then he rushed out and left me with our head of HR. He couldn’t make eye contact with me; what a coward. They gave me one little cardboard box to pack up all my synths from my desk. I could barely fit my MicroKORG in it, let alone all my other keyboards. I’ve sent my resume to Gorillaz and St. Vincent, but maybe I should start my own solo company? I’ve been dreaming of going the entrepreneur route for years.”

Economists warn that the contagion of layoffs could continue to spread to other indie music institutions.

“We don’t expect the trend to reverse anytime soon; rumor has it Interpol released their in-house suit tailor today,” said Alvin Bingham, host of “Indie Band Report” on CNBC. “Jack White laid off his entire haberdashery staff last week, and The Mountain Goats have decided to outsource their research department. But we have found a few exceptions- Kraftwerk is hiring renewable energy engineers, and Mac Demarco needs a new weed guy. So there are still some jobs out there.”

A leak from within LCD Soundsystem, Incorporated confirmed that Murphy’s layoff email used the subject line “Inflation, I Love You But You’re Bringing Me Down.”

Every Joyce Manor Album Ranked

Posted on June 3, 2023 by Audrey Vieira

Joyce Manor doesn’t have any bad albums, but it’s important to know which ones are the best so you can prioritize those on your smoke break. Listening to all of them was pretty easy. Their entire discography is the length of one long movie or two short ones. Here is our definitive ranking of all 6 Joyce Manor studio albums from good to great.

6. Of All Things I Will Soon Grow Tired (2012)

Sophomore albums are always difficult to pull off. Joyce Manor could’ve been the exception to that rule had our fact-checkers not reminded us that “Never Hungover Again” was actually their third album. We didn’t forget about this one entirely — it’s just hard to remember that this is a canonical Joyce Manor album and not just a 13-minute compilation of promising demos. For what it’s worth, there are some great tracks here. They just don’t feel like they’re part of anything bigger than themselves. Even Napalm Death songs make better use of their brief runtimes.

Play it again: “Violent Inside”
Skip it: You’d be forgiven.

Honorable Mention: Songs From Northern Torrance (2020)

Now this is a great compilation of promising demos. Featuring rough drafts of fan favorites like “Constant Nothing” and “Leather Jacket” alongside fast-paced punk tracks that would have felt out of place on a proper studio album, it’s an insightful look into the band’s early years. Every track radiates charmingly chaotic energy, from frenetic acoustic opener “House Warning Party” to the freshly remastered “Constant Nothing” EP songs that close this out. Most importantly, it reminds fans that Joyce Manor formed in Torrance, California, so you can gently correct anyone who calls them midwest emo.

Play it again: “House Warning Party”
Skip it: “Leather Jacket” (The version on “S/T” is better.)

5. Million Dollars to Kill Me (2018)

This is still a good album — a fun album, even — but something holds it back from being a great Joyce Manor album. Maybe it’s the missed opportunity of naming the title track after a Travis Barker quote, knowing damn well your band needs a drummer, and nevertheless getting somebody else for the job. Or maybe the band held back on punkier tracks due to their stance against stage diving. Whatever the deal is, it’s decent enough to replay with a drink or two.

Play it again: “Big Lie”
Skip it: “I’m Not The One”

4. Cody (2016)

Clocking in at 24 minutes, this is Joyce Manor’s most bloated release to date. Who do these guys think they are? Sleep? It’s technically even longer considering how many times you have to pause tracks when your friends can’t hear the gentle production over your pathetic cries. Luckily, saccharine-sweet melodies and gentle acoustic performances justify every second of this album’s length. Just don’t expect the mellower sound to distract you from your own existential dread.

Play it again: “Do You Really Want To Not Get Better?” (Listen closely for Phoebe Bridgers’ backing vocals.)
Skip it: “Stairs” (Good song, but it’s four minutes long. That’s two normal Joyce Manor songs.)

3. 40 oz. to Fresno (2022)

Opening your first album in four years with two covers is a risky move, but it pays off here thanks to Joyce Manor’s renditions of O.M.D. classic “Souvenir” and obscure Joyce Manor single “NBTSA.” The original material is just as exciting thanks to the anthemic choruses and rapid pacing reminiscent of the band’s first three records. Each track makes the most of its brief runtime with euphoric production and joyful energy. Joyce Manor is back and they still haven’t made a bad song.

Play it again: “Did You Ever Know?”
Skip it: This album is 16 minutes long and every song is good. You have no excuse.

2. Never Hungover Again (2014)

This is Joyce Manor’s greatest hits album. It’s not a compilation, but almost all of their most essential songs are here. Play the CD in your car for a friend and they’ll become a fan within 20 minutes. If you’re lucky enough to get stuck in traffic, move on to the other albums and roll the windows down. Or just play this for the whole ride and pretend you’re in a coming-of-age indie film. Either way, you can never go wrong with “Falling In Love Again” or “Catalina Fight Song,” even if you scream the wrong lyrics.

Play it again: “Falling In Love Again”
Skip it: Maybe stay away from “Heart Tattoo” before you get any ideas about stick and pokes.

1. S/T (2011)

The band’s self-titled debut is an emo masterpiece. It would’ve been a solid legacy on its own had they pulled an Operation Ivy and dipped after one album, but we’re lucky enough to live in a society where Joyce Manor continues blessing everyone with new music every few years — good music, even! That being said, Barry Johnson’s raw vocals and heartwrenching narratives still make this album a cut above the rest. A good debut feels like the beginning of something great. Joyce Manor skipped straight to legendary territory.

Play it again: “Leather Jacket” (Wear your own for dramatic effect.)
Skip it: If you hate perfect emo albums, go ahead. It’s your loss.

Emo Rap Songs Ranked by Someone Way Too Old to Listen to Emo Rap

Posted on June 3, 2023 by Eric Navarro

The genre known as “Emo Rap” (or “Sad Trap” if you want to be a hipster about it, which I do) is the unlikely combination of rap beats with emo vocals and guitars. Sure, it’s more complicated than that, but in the simplest definitions that’s what it is. And it fucking rules, which is a real shame because I’m 37 and that’s way too old to be listening to this stuff. But the truth is, if this music came out when I was in high school it would have blown the JNCOs off my 20-inch waist. Discovering emo rap felt like when I discovered punk, which is something I’d love to tell my favorite emo rappers but they’d probably just get offended that I called them a “punk.”

Lyrically, the genre combines aspects of rock and hip-hop, often in a way that contrasts the other. For example, a rapper may brag about their clout, financial status, and hoe inventory. An emo rapper, on the other hand, will brag about these things but they also want to kill themselves. It’s like if DMX had depression. Wait… I think I just realized why I love DMX so much.

While the genre as a whole peaked around 2019, many of these emo rappers have gone on to incorporate different styles of music into their sound, leading to a slew of artists to watch. From afar though. I’m not trying to be the old guy at an emo rap show.

Honorable Mention: “Awful Things” by Lil Peep

Lil Peep is the godfather of emo rap. However, he’s an honorable mention because he’s more of a personality and aesthetic than a great songwriter or musician. But that’s okay because Lil Peep wasn’t about music. He was about rebellion! About political and social upheaval! Or maybe that was The Monkees. Either way, I completely get the fandom surrounding the Peepster, it’s just that the artists he inspired went on to greatly improve upon his sound.

Best Lyric:
Burn me down ’til I’m nothing but memories

10. “Get Lost” by Convolk

Convolk’s sound hasn’t changed much over the extensive history of the genre (the length of which is somewhere between 5-7 years depending on who’s little brother you ask), but he keeps perfecting the classic “emo rap” sound. It’s depressing how much I relate to his lyrics that are likely designed to appeal to dramatic tween girls, which works out since it’s the perfect emotional state to listen to his music.

Best Lyric:
New tattoo/aren’t you cool
You look like the girl who broke my heart in two

9. “Feel Like Shit” by Shinigami

Shinigami is an insanely talented singer and producer. “Feel Like Shit” has subs so deep you’ll feel it in your soul. I don’t mean that figuratively. Researchers found that low vibrations at certain frequencies can trigger sadness in humans and many songs in this genre apply to this. But I’m too cool for all that school shit, I’m a middle-aged dad who likes emo rap.

Best Lyric:
Kiss my lips/Make me feel like I have you
This is it/And I know that you’re sad too

8. “Hurt Before” by guccihighwaters

This is a classic emo rap song. guccihighwaters got signed to Epitaph, which is pretty surreal but definitely makes me feel less alone about listening to this stuff. This one has a great video of repurposed cartoon footage. I made a playlist of these artists and now YouTube is giving me targeted ads for Lexipro and Better Help. My algorithm’s fucked but my mental health has drastically improved.

Best Lyric:
We’ve all been hurt before, it don’t make you a savage

7. “Pumpkins Scream in the Dead of Night” by Savage Ga$p featuring Shinigami

It’s hard to tell if Savage Gasp (aka “Gasper” on this track) is entirely ironic, or just strategically. Either way, this song is hilarious and it’s a good example of the sense of humor a lot of these emo rappers have about themselves. There’s a self-awareness that makes the vulnerability of the genre less cringy. Basically, they know what they’re doing is “weird” but they just don’t care.

Best Lyric:
Shinigami told me, “Kill ’em,”
I said, “Let me grab my death note”

6. “Someone” by 6 Dogs

“Someone” is a great example of the dichotomy of emo rap lyrics. It’s about the alienation of being separated from your peers by success. It’s about achieving what you want but paying the heavy price of losing everything that you now realize truly mattered. Or as 6 Dogs so eloquently puts it, “Fuck this cash. Makes me sad.” Also, go on YouTube and find the video of this song that’s all Simpsons scenes recut to tell a sad story about Bart’s love life.

Best Lyric:
Dough make me feel like a no one
Prolly ’cause I’m just another someone

5. “Hammer” by Nothing, Nowhere

Nothing, Nowhere is one of the more popular emo rappers on this list and “Hammer” is a great song to start with if you’re still iffy on all this genre-bending. It’s a more straightforward rap track about being a loser who finally won. It’s a classic emo rap topic and this song spells it out perfectly. This is great music to pump yourself up if you’re still holding onto baggage from being an outcast in middle school.

Best Lyric:
In high school, they would laugh, try to label
Eatin’ lunch with nobody at my table
Everyone that used to doubt got a day job
I just made a few stacks off a merch drop

4. “Long Way Home” by Fats’e featuring XLHC

On the 2022 record, “Arson Green Nostalgia,” Fats’e (pronounced “fat-see”) perfectly showcased his own version of the emo rap sound. He showcased his most unique skill among this cohort of emo rappers: midwest emo guitar. The whole record is full of tracks like “Long Way Home” with trap beats, autotuned emo vocals and, taking center stage, two twinkly guitars. Also, this song features a dude from Hot Mulligan, which is the first thing about this whole genre that doesn’t make me feel ancient.

Best Lyric:
Didn’t know that I was capable of being what you want
‘til you’re sick of it
It was good to feel on top for a little bit

3. “Toothpaste” by 93FEETOFSMOKE

93FEETOFSMOKE is my personal favorite on this list. He’s the most interesting emo rapper to watch moving forward as each new album brings in new genres and influences, while maintaining the core of emo rap. His albums each have a cohesive sound and it’s clear they were written as collections of songs as opposed to random singles that were later compiled together. “Toothpaste” speaks for itself and features an incredible “production solo.” Production solos have slowly usurped the typical instrumental solo ever since Kanye West and Skrillex made it a thing in the early 2010s. 93FEETOFSMOKE also makes his own merch that’s clearly meant for fashionable Zoomers. I have so many 93FEETOFSMOKE shirts I can’t wear in public.

Best Lyric:
Let the skeletons dance around town
But I’ma dip once they start to hash it out
‘Cause I ain’t really got a bone worth picking now

2. “Candles” by Juice Wrld

Juice Wrld should be Kurt Cobain for Zoomers. Unfortunately, kids today have such short attention spans for trauma. It’s like they’ve become desensitized to it somehow. Anyway, Juice Wrld was one of the best vocalists to channel emotion into melody. Ever. His sense of melody in general was off the charts and he had the ability to make hits on the spot. His popularity transcended genres, but his album “Goodbye & Good Riddance” will always be an emo rap masterpiece.

Best Lyric:
Don’t pray for me
Just bring me drugs

1. “Scraped My Knee Pt 2” by Fats’e & 93FEETOFSMOKE

A lot of the best emo rap songs aren’t even on albums. Case in point, “Scraped My Knee Pt 2” (of the 3-part knee scraping trilogy) is simply amazing. It shows the split from classic emo rap to a new musical landscape where tons of these artists can venture off into their own style. Like several bedroom artist/SoundCloud genres, emo rap didn’t just popularize an unlikely genre of music. It also massively expanded what alternative music could sound like. Musically and lyrically, “Scraped My Knee Pt 2” is the embodiment of this musical expansion.

Best Lyric:
I’m glad I got out of my head and got out of my hometown

Straight Edge Guy at Bachelor Party Spends Entire Time Trying to Convince Stripper to Go Vegan

Posted on June 3, 2023 by Ben Friedman

LAS VEGAS — Lifelong straight edger Logan McGuire spent the majority of his future brother-in-law’s bachelor party convincing the stripper to go vegan, despite being surrounded by endless debauchery, confirmed multiple tanked groomsmen.

“I don’t know how anyone in this strip club can think about naked women when hundreds of thousands of cows are being brutally slaughtered every day, their blood is greasing the gears of capitalism. My sister’s fiance didn’t want to hear about it anymore, but the dancer at our table was surprisingly attentive and it’s been a while since I’ve been able to talk about the benefits of veganism without someone walking away mid-conversation,” said McGuire. “It cost me $200 to get my entire point across about how dairy cows are tortured on a daily basis, but I bet when she goes home tonight she’ll switch to soy milk.”

The dancer at the bachelor party’s booth noted that McGuire was the first client she ever met who paid her to not do her job.

“I’ve met a lot of gross dudes who’ve paid me to do weird shit, so this was a nice reprieve. Usually when men want to just talk they complain about their wives, but Logan was the first one to show me data about how factory farming is exacerbating climate change. I have to salute his commitment to explaining the evils of the farming industrial complex with my tits in his face,” said Candy Jones. “The other guys in his party were getting kind of annoyed, but honestly he was shelling out the most cash. I would’ve offered him a private dance but he refused. I think he was Mormon or something.”

McGuire’s soon-to-be brother-in-law was hoping for a more “traditional” stag party without any politics.

“I can’t wait to marry his sister, but I cannot wait even more to only see this guy on holidays. My best man really went out of his way to curate a neverending cavalcade of pussy and beer for three days straight, and Logan kept knocking the drinks out of our hands any time we walked by him. I’m trying to get this stripper to sit on my face but he keeps sidetracking her about how overfishing is destroying delicate ocean ecosystems,” said Bill Lawrey. “None of the other dancers will even come near us now. I can’t imagine the rant he’ll go on when I tell him we’re going out for cigars and steaks after this.”

As of press time, the party was asked to leave the club after McGuire insisted on giving Candy a copy of Earth Crisis’ “Destroy the Machines.”

Heartwarming: This Second Grader Dreams of One Day Becoming President Despite Being Named Tristan

Posted on June 3, 2023 by Adam Frost-Venrick

If you’re looking for a feel-good story about overcoming adversity, we’ve got the perfect one for you today out of Indianapolis, where local second grader, Tristan Fuller has announced his intention to one day become President of the United States, despite the fact that his name is literally Tristan.

According to his classmates and teacher, the plucky, if utterly deluded, eight-year-old came to school for his presentation on “what I want to be when I grow up” in a full suit and tie, and announced his future candidacy for the highest office in the land, as if there’s a future in which someone named Tristan would hold the nuclear codes.

This isn’t to say that Fuller isn’t a precocious and civically minded boy. When I had the chance to sit down with him, he was all too happy to list some of the policies he would enact, such as: “Shorter school days, less homework, and longer summers.”

He’s got our vote! I mean, not literally, his name is fucking Tristan for chrissakes, but you know what we mean.

While childish, these policies show a clear focus on enacting change. It’s just too bad that when one thinks of the name Tristan, one can only see a future to be a future of skinny jeans, bass guitars, bad tattoos, and a semi-serious nicotine addiction.

Many community members have voiced their anxieties about Tristan’s goal of Presidency, suggesting that a career selling weed outside the local movie theater might be just as rewarding and more within his grasp. Historically, American presidents have been named things like John, Abraham, and George. But Tristan won’t let any naysayers dissuade him. He’s going to ride this presidential dream all the way to when reality sets in around 17 or so. Go Tristan!

Tristan told me that he intends to keep pursuing this doomed dream in the coming years, much like his friend Tanner Harrison, who has the laughably unachievable goal of becoming a heart surgeon.

It’s an incredible feat of strength for such a young child. But ultimately, of course, as hard as things will be for young Tristan, one can only imagine it’ll be so much worse for the Tanners.

Old High School Friend Flattered to Receive Facebook Invite for Band’s Gig 600 Miles Away

Posted on June 2, 2023 by Dan Kozuh

MARIETTA, Ga. — Local IT manager Caleb Summers was taken aback earlier this week to receive a Facebook Event invitation from high school friend of Paul Willis, guitarist for the punk band The Spit Cups, for an upcoming performance in Baltimore.

“Man, Paul and I used to be super close as teens, but we fell out of touch. It was so considerate of him to invite me to his band’s show,” Summers said soon after declining the invite. “Unfortunately, Baltimore is just a few hundred miles too far away for me to make it, but it was so nice of him to invite me anyway. I kinda feel bad that we haven’t spoken in like ten years. Maybe this is his way of reaching out and trying to reconnect. I actually looked into booking a flight, I’ve never been to Baltimore before, that would be a good excuse to go. Oh well.”

Willis, however, didn’t see the invite as anything more than a blanket gesture.

“I just mass invited every single one of my Facebook friends,” Willis explained, looking through an old yearbook to try and remember who Summers was. “Oh, right, he’s the guy that got suspended from high school because he took a shit in a vending machine. Oh man, I really hope he actually doesn’t come. Before I moved to Baltimore like 8 years he kept messaging me that we should totally have a beer sometime at ‘B-dubs,’ which I guess is Buffalo Wild Wings. I’m really not surprised that he took this as a personal invitation to come see the show.”

Social Media expert Marianne Hamilton explains that some people misunderstand the meaning behind Facebook events.

“Almost 90% of all event invites to like a particular page or attend a show are random, blanket gestures meant for anyone desperate enough to actually look at them,” Hamilton, who asks that you like her own page Hamilton Social Practices, explained. “Some people misunderstand this and see it as an invitation sent to them personally, with actual thought and meaning behind it. This can lead to some incredibly award encounters and mixed messages.”

As of press time, Summer was drafting an apologetic message declining Willis’ invite and hopes they can meet up again one day if he’s ever in town.