NEW YORK — VC startup and indie music factory LCD Soundsystem announced their first-ever round of layoffs affecting all organizational units effective immediately, worried economists report.
“I regret to announce that today is a difficult one for our organization; LCD Soundsystem, Incorporated is losing its edge and must lay off 34% of our workforce,” said frontman and CEO James Murphy in a company-wide email. “I offer my deepest gratitude to everyone affected for their years of service. But market forces dictate that we must tighten the belt if we hope to produce another ‘Sound of Silver’ down the line or have Daft Punk ever play at my house again.”
Seniority did not seem to be a major factor in deciding which departments and employees would suffer the cuts.
“I was just two years away from a pension and I’m devastated,” uttered a crestfallen Nancy Whang, one of the longest-tenured employees at LCD Soundsystem. “I was brought into the conference room where James gave me the news in an obviously prepared 30-second speech, then he rushed out and left me with our head of HR. He couldn’t make eye contact with me; what a coward. They gave me one little cardboard box to pack up all my synths from my desk. I could barely fit my MicroKORG in it, let alone all my other keyboards. I’ve sent my resume to Gorillaz and St. Vincent, but maybe I should start my own solo company? I’ve been dreaming of going the entrepreneur route for years.”
Economists warn that the contagion of layoffs could continue to spread to other indie music institutions.
“We don’t expect the trend to reverse anytime soon; rumor has it Interpol released their in-house suit tailor today,” said Alvin Bingham, host of “Indie Band Report” on CNBC. “Jack White laid off his entire haberdashery staff last week, and The Mountain Goats have decided to outsource their research department. But we have found a few exceptions- Kraftwerk is hiring renewable energy engineers, and Mac Demarco needs a new weed guy. So there are still some jobs out there.”
A leak from within LCD Soundsystem, Incorporated confirmed that Murphy’s layoff email used the subject line “Inflation, I Love You But You’re Bringing Me Down.”