Punk Dad Disgusted Men’s Room Doesn’t Have a Changing Table to Do Coke Off Of

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

ATHENS, Ga. — Local punk Adam Rondeau was absolutely outraged that a venue did not provide a changing table in the men’s room so he could snort cocaine off of it, confirmed sources who said that he wasn’t technically wrong.

“It’s offensive and archaic that only women get changing tables in their bathrooms.

In this day and age, are we still holding onto the outdated notion that only women can do lines and the men only freebase? That is sexist and backward, I don’t want to go back to a time of doing lines off toilet seats. I’m an adult, not some teenage G.G. Allin wannabe,” said Rondeau, as he used Kirkland Signature Ultra Soft Baby Wipes to clean his nose. “Nonbinary and female-identifying people deserve a safe space, so I felt like a real piece of shit standing outside the women’s room announcing, ‘There’s a dad here, I’m coming in to use the changing table.’ Luckily they were cool with it, but come on, it’s 2024. Equality means men get to use changing tables for all our coke-related needs, too.”

Staff at The Hairy Dawg had not heard such concerns before.

“I get complaints all the time when we cut people off or get accused of watering down our drinks, but this was the first time I’ve ever gotten yelled at by a middle-aged man in a baby bjorn moaning about a lack of Koala Kares in the restroom,” said Manager Kelly Lorman. “Most of the time people just do their coke off the booth in the back, known as the snort corner. The tabletop is glass for a reason, dude. Besides, those changing tables can’t be sanitary, right?”

This dissatisfaction has led to a growing movement of fathers fighting back against perceived injustice.
“I put a changing room in every blueprint I do,” said Gustavo Wagner, a fatherhood advocate and architect from Studio MCC Architecture and Design. “These businesses just X them out most of the time. A solid changing table averages about $100. They just don’t want to pay for them since it’s not ‘legally required.’ I’ve heard stories of dads forced to do lines off the floor. We simply cannot go back to a time where fathers had to use gaudy coke spoons or grow coke nails.”

At press time, Rondeau was seen complaining to a Panera Bread cashier for allowing a mother to breastfeed in the dining room despite not being permitted to drink the six-pack of beer that he brought from home.

Parasocial Relationship Much More Fulfilling Than Actual Relationship

Posted on by Claire Alexander

POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y. — Local woman Sarah Donnelly admitted that the parasocial relationship she shares with actor Kyle McLachlan through TikTok is exponentially more fulfilling than the real-life relationship she shares with her boyfriend of four years, sources confirmed.

“He’s just so full of life,” Donnelly says about the Twin Peaks star. “He is always posting these videos where he’s dancing or singing, just being so silly and loveable, in a way that James (Templeton) never is now that he’s joined his poker league. Every night I look forward to James falling asleep so that I can watch Kyle’s little TikToks. I think I’m heading towards needing to talk to my therapist about this for obvious and kind of distressing reasons.”

Templeton, on the other hand, seems to have no idea that his partner has eyes for another prospect.

“I don’t know who Kyle McLachlan is,” Templeton said while holding PS5 controller in one hand, a Monster energy in the other, and not looking up from the TV. “But yeah, Sarah and I are cool I guess, we don’t really fight or anything which is good, I think. I mean, she’s definitely mad at me for missing her birthday last month, and I was out with the boys for our anniversary this month, but you know, that kinda stuff happens when you’re in a long-term relationship. We both still have to be individuals.”

McLachlan’s social media manager Darrel Rodriguez admits he purposely crafted his client’s online presence to win the hearts of women in disappointing relationships everywhere, maximizing his influence and re-igniting his career.

“I really like to showcase Kyle doing the absolute bare minimum,” said Rodriguez. “Most women in relationships don’t ever even experience a man with as much as a clean floor, so as long as we show Kyle being a normal and not annoying or repulsive guy, women in their twenties fawn over him. It gives women everywhere hope, and it’s going to bring all of his old movies back to Netflix.”

At press time, Donnelly shared that she would be changing her phone wallpaper to a screenshot from McLachlan’s latest upload of him trying to hold three cats at once.

If Every One Of Our Instagram Followers Gave A Mere $74,666, We Can Give Elon Musk His Bonus

Posted on by Dan Rice

Mr. Rogers used to say in times of crisis, look for the helpers. With respect Fred, we say go a step further. We say be the helpers.

As you, our dear readers, are surely aware, Elon Musk, one of the world’s richest and therefore most undeniably cool people, is facing a seemingly insurmountable problem. He would like a humble bonus of 56 billion dollars, the largest paid to a CEO in American history, on the grounds that he would like to have that. It seems more than fair and very straightforward, but he’s being met with an unbelievable amount of red tape.

When a Delaware judge ruled against Musk receiving his (barely) historically high payout, he did what any of us would do. He reincorporated his company in Texas out of spite and self-interest ignoring any negative effects that would have on the company. He even ordered 10% layoffs to make sure his little 56 billion dollar thank you wouldn’t be a bother!

Even after going to all that trouble, an evil proxy firm is now advising shareholders to block the bonus. Talk about cruelty! Has Elon been a perfect boss? Of course not, nobody is perfect. But you try building a $100,00 terrible-looking car and see if you can get the accelerator to stop sticking, it’s a lot harder than you think!

Think of everything Elon Musk has done for you, everything he’s accomplished. He took a hole-in-the-wall platform like Twitter and turned it into X, the coolest letter there is. He did this so successfully that now when people mention that platform conversationally or in print they say “X, formerly Twitter.”

More importantly than that he shows us every day that you don’t need to be informed, intelligent, or even remotely logical to take a stand against the wokes.

Now is not the time to be selfish or miserly. Now is the time to give. Ask yourself “Do I really need takeout and rent for the rest of my life? Does my kid really need braces? Do I really need this kid? How much money can I get for selling my kid and how do I get that money to Elon Musk as fast as humanly possible?”

Sure, each of us individually is a virtually worthless insignificant $74,666, but together we are strong. We’re as strong as a CEO’s bonus. Together, in one voice, in one fantastic push forward we can give everything we have so that Elon Musk can say “Cool, I have this now, throw it on the pile.” He might even shoot another car into space because that’s the kind of selfless giver he is.

Guitar Center Kicks off Annual “Mid-Life Crisis” Sale

Posted on by Chris Bowen

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, Calif. — Musical instrument retailer Guitar Center kicked off its biggest sales event of the year catered towards individuals entering their mid-life who are at an age of self-reflection, inner turmoil, and prone to rash financial decision-making, several confused sources report.

“This has got to be my favorite promotion that corporate runs, bro. I love seeing dudes walk in with that meaningless-and-desperate-to-drop-cash look in their eyes,” Guitar Center employee Conner Welsh enthusiastically stated. “After all, the real strong point of my instrument knowledge is helping people choose good ones, but not so good that they can learn how to play guitar from scratch at the age of 52. Typically, these guys play their new purchase once or twice and let it sit in the back of their closet until they die and it’s eventually inherited by a family member who then tries to return it back to us. That’s just the circle of life in this industry.”

56-year-old Dennis Richardson expressed his gratitude for the chance to finally live out his rockstar dream.

“They say ‘age is just a number,’ and that’s why I think 56 is just the right time to buy two Marshall Stacks, a top hat, and a $5,000 dollar Gibson for only $4,900,” Richardson explained. “Besides, I figure a bitchin’ new guitar is way safer than a bitchin’ new Corvette. I even asked my family when I bought my axe if they’d rather I die in a fiery car accident or live out my childhood dream of being the next Jimmy Page. They answered ‘yes’ as soon as I said ‘death,’ but I knew what they really meant to say.”

Guitar Center corporate representative Stephen Gilbert explains promotions like this are a crucial part of business for the company.

“We have this reputation among ‘real musicians’ that we’re the Walmart of gear stores. As in, they only shop here when they forgot a patch cord or need to play ‘Smoke on the Water’ on an expensive new guitar they don’t even intend to buy. But they got it all wrong,” Gilbert explained. “We pride ourselves on being the number one go-to place for people who would never in their life consider becoming a drummer or guitar player, but then all of the sudden feel old enough to realize they’ve never accomplished anything in their life. That’s where we swoop in and cash in on the insecurities. That’s just capitalism, baby.”

At press time, Guitar Center announced a special discount for any orderly or nurse who provides care for elderly would-be rockers.

Six Songs We Listened to This Week That ‘Ruined the Family Cookout’

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

The rare three day weekend is upon us, and judging by your employment history, this is likely a more common experience than it’s made out to be. Nevertheless, you’re probably wondering what to do with your spare 24 hours. Instead of laying on the couch binge watching “King of the Hill” all day like you usually do, why not try spicing up your free time with some new music? We know it sounds scary, so we’re here to help. Here are six new tracks that have been handpicked by our staff who like you, had nothing better to do this week.

Amyl and the Sniffers “U Should Not Be Doing That” & “Facts”

Every day without new music from Melbourne’s Amyl and the Sniffers feels like an eternity. At the risk of sounding selfish, we personally feel that it should be illegal for the band to not release a new track every hour. Fortunately, the Aussie rockers released not just one, but two absolute rippers this week. Even better news: our increasingly threatening letters to the Australian government are apparently being read.

Beach Creeper “Mothmanthem”

If you’re anything like us, the only thing you love more than surf rock is forgotten b-roll horror movies from the golden age of cinema. Sadly, you’ve been realizing it’s nearly impossible to fit both obsessions into your busy schedule. Luckily for you, Beach Creeper have been working hard to make your demented dreams a reality. Some might say we didn’t need another song about Mothman, while others say puns are an antiquated artform. We say, fuck all of them, this band shreds.

Big Fat Head “Spiderweb”

Hailing from the future capital of the world, Ohio, Big Fat Head is crafting a soundtrack fit for a terrifying new era in which the state’s cornfields slowly overtake the entire planet. Their latest single, ‘Spiderweb,’ is a lush, synth drenched landscape that tip toes to the edge of psychedelia without falling off and boring you to death. Much like its namesake suggests, you can get stuck in this one for a while, so plan accordingly.

Conditioner “On Your Mind”

One of our writers said Newfoundland’s indie outfit, Conditioner, reminded them of Militarie Gun. Under California state law, that means we’re required to give them a write up. Bureaucracy aside, their latest EP, ‘COW’ is actually pretty fucking sick. After hearing the standout track ‘On Your Mind’ about thirty times in a row (also mandated by the state of CA), we have to admit we’re absolutely hooked. Blast this one if you’re still not over your ex, or if you are a fan of feeling something for the first time in years.

End Game “Big Shot”

GAAAAAWD DAAAAAAAAYUM END GAME’S BACK BAYBEEEEE! Sorry about that, the latest single from Calgary hardcore outfit, End Game, is so fucking heavy that we’ve been shouting all week. Our in-office ENT thinks we may be legally deaf, and has advised against us pushing our AirPods that deep into our ear canals. On top of that, our doctor doesn’t understand how we got that black eye, and won’t accept that ‘this song literally punched us in the face’ as an acceptable explanation. This is all to say that you should be listening to it on repeat immediately, and we are not legally responsible for any injuries you may sustain.

What? Six songs aren’t enough? Of course not, you greedy bastard. We figured you might be the ungrateful type, so we’ve put these and a whole bunch of other songs in a convenient and constantly updated playlist for you. Click here to listen and dazzle your friends with your newfound relevancy.

What a Dumbass! This Guy Thought His Emergency Dental Surgery Was Covered by Healthcare

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

Lemme introduce you to this week’s asshole: Davis Benton of Pasadena, California. What makes him an asshole, you ask? This douche actually thought his healthcare coverage included emergency dental surgery. What year is it? 2999? Does he want his healthcare to drive him to work and make him lunch too? YOU’RE NOT SPECIAL!

This jagoff was heard saying “It makes no sense, it’s part of my health. Why wouldn’t it be covered by my health insurance” Um, maybe because it’s super expensive and insurance companies actually exist to profit off human misery you dumb piece of shit!

Seriously, this generation is so entitled. “Pay me what I’m worth!” “Unpaid internships are unethical!” “The cost of living is so high!” You know what’s also too high? The cost of living with woke snowflakes. Also my blood pressure. Probably because of all the woke snowflakes.

I don’t know what America you’ve been living in, but in my America, we stand for the flag, eat big-ass hamburgers and die way too young due to something easily preventable that our insurance refused to cover. That or we get shot in classrooms. But Davis “I’m an entitled bag of shit” Benton thinks he’s better than that. “In Canada, they have state-sponsored healthcare that is covered by your taxes” Well you know what else they have? MILK IN FUCKING BAG. What is this? Milk-in-a-bag-world? Where we all get to have our healthcare covered, regardless of our income, and then drink milk from a bag? Fuck you.

If you wanna be a communist, go for it. Go to Nazi Germany and be a communist, because in my head those are the same things, and NO I’m not gonna listen to why I’m wrong about that. He’s the asshole, not me. If he wants his face to NOT be in constant agonizing pain, maybe he should’ve had a rich dad, instead of working 65 hours a week to have a third of his paycheck taken away for health insurance that doesn’t actually cover anything and requires a $35 copay for general health visits and $100 copays for a specialist. Oh you wanna see a specialist? Because you’re so special? Nut up and be in pain like a real American.

Man Introduced to Each of Girlfriend’s Sex Toys Like New Guy at the Office

Posted on by Walker JF Glenn

SAN FRANCISCO — Local mailroom clerk and recently acquired boyfriend Jake Ramirez is reportedly feeling like the new guy at the office while he is led around his girlfriend’s apartment and successively introduced to each of her sex toys, anxious sources disclosed.

“It’s really exciting to be brought on board — it’s just a lot of information at once. I wasn’t exactly sure what expression I should have on my face, either. I was going for neutral-but-interested but I’m worried I came off dumb. I’m a pretty fast learner, though, and Aisha kept saying it will all ‘make sense in practice,’” said Ramirez. “We haven’t actually been seeing each other that long, so I’m flattered she wants me on the team. Although I have to admit I kind of exaggerated when she asked how familiar I am with Hitachi. Just feels like I lied on my resume or something.”

Ramirez’ girlfriend and owner of the adult toy collection Aisha James reported new partners often feel a bit overwhelmed on their first day.

“It’s completely understandable to be confused at first. I had my own learning curve with a lot of this stuff, and I’m available to answer any questions that arise as we get started,” said James. “Some trainees — when they get here and see what a full operation I’m running — aren’t sure what exactly they can do to help meet our daily goals. Let me reassure you: you’re here because of what you bring to the table. Even if it’s just verbal encouragement, or making small tweaks here and there, your role is essential.”

Relationship expert and author of “Love in the Era of Automation” Adrienne Wells noted that romance and efficiency are becoming synonymous for couples across the globe.

“In the age of the home office, the bedroom and the boardroom are often one and the same, and today’s lovers need modern solutions for modern problems,” said Wells. “It used to be the case that a worker could lose a whole afternoon searching for something a simple machine can identify and stimulate within seconds. The clit. I’m talking about finding the clit. That said, AI might actually be coming for your jobs as boyfriends.”

As of press time, Ramirez expressed some nervousness about meeting a device his girlfriend calls “the Manager,” or simply, “Peg.”

You Just Made Eye Contact With Someone Holding a Clipboard Outside a Whole Foods: Here Are 5 Exit Strategies To Avoid Donating to Charity

Posted on by Trevor Graham

So you’ve just slipped away from your soul-sucking job for a quick break, but now what? Go for a smoke? Stand on the street corner staring vacantly into the middle distance as you question every decision that has lead your here? Or head over to your local Whole Foods for an overpriced muffin and a kombucha?

You decide on Whole Foods even though you don’t love kombucha but at least the sour aftertaste will allow you to feel… something.

As you approach the entrance however you make a fatal flaw and accidentally make eye contact with someone in a vest with some sort of non-profit-y looking logo on it while holding a clipboard. You’re trapped now and are sure to get the hard sell on whatever charity they are promoting. Here are 5 exit strategies to get you out of it.

1. Avoidance
It may sound too simplistic but just straight-up pretend you don’t even see them. They will probably try to lure you in with one of their sales tactics by saying something like “Hey cool sweatshirt, wish I had one like that!” And yes, it may be true that your hoodie is dope and you look great in it but do not in any way acknowledge their comment. It will only lead you down a path of minutes stolen from your day and dollars lost from your wallet.

2. Rationalization
Convince yourself that any money you give them isn’t actually going to help anyone. It’s probably all a scam anyway. It just has to be otherwise you totally would donate to it. What was it that their vest said again? “International Children’s Defense Fund of The Oceans”? That doesn’t even make sense. Definitely a scam. You’re better off buying that independent, locally-owned kombucha and recycling the bottle. That will do more good than giving to whatever money laundering scheme this bullshit is.

3. Jedi mind trick
Just convince them that you’ve already given them money. “Didn’t I just donate to your cause last week?” That may just provide you with the nanosecond of distraction that will allow you to slip in through the sliding glass doors behind them. And who knows, you may have actually donated to them for real. Can you be 100% certain you didn’t actually stop and give them your credit card information just a few days ago? With so much content and fake news and AI who can be certain about anything anymore?

4. Just leave
Turn around on your heels and just go somewhere else… anywhere else. You can get kombucha almost anywhere these days. You can try that 7/11 around the corner, they probably even have kombucha. Oh wait no, don’t go to that one. There’s always that guy out front asking for money so he can take a bus to see his sick sister.

5. Confess your apathy
Tell them you just don’t care. Oh well, sucks for the whales or the bees or the air we all breathe or literally every drop of water on the planet but you just can’t bring yourself to care enough about any of it. There’s no ethical consumption under capitalism so obviously that absolves you from any wrongdoing and you have no choice but to contribute as much damage to the world as possible.

Punk’s Girlfriend Puts on Henry Rollins Spoken Word Record Before She Leaves for Work So He Doesn’t Feel Lonely

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

NASHUA, N.H. – Rebecca Sanders, girlfriend of local punk Ben Stumpf, allegedly puts on a Henry Rollins spoken word record before leaving for work each morning in order to stave off the loneliness her boyfriend may feel being home alone all day, sources confirmed.

“I just worry about him being home alone all day without a job and no real friends to speak up. He quit all social media again for the 5th time, so he doesn’t even have that connection,” said Sanders who works long hours as the Assistant Treasurer at Chase Bank. “I found that if I don’t have something to draw his attention he can get destructive. Sometimes he gets into the trash and makes a mess, and he went through a phase of chewing on the couch and getting stuffing everywhere. I don’t think he means anything by it, he just wants attention and has a lot of pent up energy. Henry’s words seem to make him feel like someone else is in the house. It’s been life-changing for our relationship and our lease.”

Stumpf himself couldn’t be any happier with the situation.

“It’s like my own personal pep talk from the godfather himself,” Stumpf said from his bed even though it was already 2:30 p.m. “Henry’s words just hit differently in the morning, you know? It’s like he’s right there with me, telling me to seize the day and not let the bastards grind me down. It almost makes me want to start working on that novel I’ve been thinking about for a few years, or maybe write a song or two. But I’ll probably just take a nap.”

Dr. Maya Greene, a psychologist specializing in music therapy, weighed in on the psychological benefits of such rituals.

“Listening to music or spoken words that resonate with us can have a profound impact on our mood and mindset,” Dr. Greene explained. “It’s not surprising that men like Ben find solace and motivation in Henry’s powerful words, especially during long, quiet days alone. It is probably not Henry Rollins in particular that Joey is responding to, but more the cadence and rhythm of the words being spoken. It could also be that he is simply a burnout who gets bored.”

While the Rollins’ albums seem to have helped with Stumpf’s behavior, Sanders is still working on getting him to use the toilet, or at least hold it until she is home and brings him outside.

How To Get a Woman, Lose the Woman, and Then Get That Woman Back Using Tips From Just One Buckcherry Album

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

Listen up, fellas. We all want to live that Rock N’ Roll fantasy of pickin’ up a hot piece of ass, falling madly in love with her, getting tired of her bullshit, and then begging for her to come back. So I’m here to break it down for you, step by step, using tips from the album “15” by our lords and saviors Buckcherry.

Phase one: Get her. You see a hot little thing across the bar. She’s showing a lot of skin but somehow also wearing a Whitesnake t-shirt and high-waisted leather pants. How do you win her over for a night of sweet lovin in some discount red satin sheets? We turn to “Next 2 You” for guidance. First, insult her taste in music in an offhanded way. Then, reference the fact that everyone talks about how she never puts out. Finally, seal the deal by repeatedly saying how you want to be near her. Once you’re worried you sound like a stalker, do it a little more. It’s a foolproof method of seduction.

Phase two: Lose her. Sure, after shackin’ up for awhile drinkin’ Bud Light every night while going to pound town to an ‘80s Hair Metal compilation, you realized you might actually love this broad. But hold your horses, pal. We’re not at the “stay together forever” part yet. First, you gotta lose her. For this, we follow tips from “Crazy Bitch.” Now, if she’s the kind of woman who doesn’t like being called a crazy bitch, you know what to do. If she’s into it, though, then call another woman a crazy bitch. Make fake nail marks on your back if you have to. Do what you need to do to get through this phase.

Phase three: Get her back. You’re sick without her. You haven’t been sleeping past noon. You can barely eat anything other than Sloppy Joes. You need that sweet bleach blonde, overly tanned woman back in your life. It’s time for the apology ballad, “Sorry.” You need to write your little lady an apology, but you have to make sure it’s from the heart. You’ll have to use really unique and heartfelt emotions like, “I’m sorry you’re blue.” She’ll be crying into your leather bomber in no time.

Bonus phase: Lose her again. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes she cheats on you with your best friend and says she got knocked up even though you coulda sworn she said she went through that mental pause thing. Here, use “Everything” where you talk about how it just isn’t working, but you focus a little too much on the fact that you’ve apparently been junkies this entire time.

You’ll thank me later.