Press "Enter" to skip to content

I Didn’t Get The Sex Talk But I Was Left Unsupervised At Spencer’s Gifts

Growing up as a millennial was tough. The internet came along and changed the world, and our parents were too self-absorbed and lead-poisoned to ever show any real interest in our development. My dad never sat me down to tell me about the birds and the bees, but he would drop me off at the mall by myself when I was 11 so he could go drink at Walter’s Pub on the weekends. My sex education came from the novelty items lining the shelves at Spencer’s, and it’s served me well.

One thing I kept hearing about during my teenage years was “safe sex.” Gotta be safe. Gotta use protection. I remembered Spencer’s had condoms. But I have no idea what flavors are good. How do you choose a flavor? I was never brave enough to ask the cute goth girl working the cash register for a sample. Do you ask your partner beforehand what flavor they want? And how do you find a size? I’d only see comically small and comically large, and unfortunately I was with endowed with a unit that is comically average. This crippling condom anxiety prevented me from having sexual relations well into my 30s. Man, I wish they covered that in school.

Also, apparently you graduate from underwear? I’ve had a few girlfriends and I keep asking them when they will be wearing that candy underwear. They tell me that it’s a joke, a gag, that if they actually wore that they would get a terrible infection. But Spencer’s would never sell something that isn’t safe. Their fart detector was one of the best gadgets I ever purchased. I’ve been wearing leather underwear from Spencer’s for years, and yeah, it caused a few rashes at first, but once my skin callused over I was in good shape. Maybe I should buy one of those rad leather harnesses. That’ll for sure attract the ladies.

Spencer’s also had a lot of sex games which I’ll often bring on first dates. The game “Lick, Suck, or Swallow” acts as a subtle icebreaker and gives me a good idea of what sort of lover my date might be. Or I suggest we play Twister. Nothing sets the mood more than a game of Twister. But nothing beats the sex dice. That way, if I don’t know what I’m doing, it’s all on the dice. I’ll look like an idiot without the sex dice.

Without Spencer’s I wouldn’t be the man I am today. I was lucky enough to memorize at least 15 pages from the book about sex positions and someday I plan on trying each one of those. To date, I’ve tried two, I just need to find the right woman who also had negligent parents.