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Punk Refuses to Uncross Arms and Assume Crash Position as Plane Free Falls

GARY, Ind. — Chicago-bound United passenger Colin Jenkins refused to uncross his arms and assume the crash position despite the plane being in an irreversible freefall, panicked passengers confirmed.

“I was fine in the back of the plane with my arms crossed even though the flight was a snooze fest. But now the second the engines blow and it gets interesting, and these fascists are telling me to kiss my own ass goodbye?” said Jenkins. “If this is how I go, it’s going to be how I lived: arms crossed, frowning, and not looking like an idiot bootlicker in the process. This would be a lot more tolerable if everyone stopped screaming already so I can finish listening to this ‘Disgraceland’ podcast episode.”

Despite Jenkins’ unwavering pushback, flight attendants still attempted to get him to comply with safety regulations.

“I can’t believe I’m going to die while trying to make this asshole increase his odds of survival, just for him to cross his arms harder and roll his eyes at me. I knew he was going to be a problem when he was loudly telling other passengers about Reagan firing all the air traffic controllers in the ‘80s and everyone hired since then is a scab,” said attendant Regina Glass, clinging to her seat. “I guess he does look cool, but if he gets decapitated, that’s on him. I just wish he’d stop ranting at frightened passengers about how he’s been to Negative Approach shows more intense than this.”

FAA crash experts weighed in on Jenkins’ refusal to adhere to safety regulations.

“No matter how dire an aviation incident may be, there’s always one asshole who’s going to ignore the safety cards, with punks being the primary offenders. They just hate every arm of the government, so I guess it’s their way of saying ‘screw you,’” said Oliver Glass. “We’ve gone over thousands of black box recordings of crashes where they’ve refused to wear the airflow masks unless the attendants confirmed the oxygen was vegan, or the time one of them used the inflatable slide parachute to start a mosh pit, it ruined a water landing. But they’re still not as terrible as families traveling to Disney World.”

After searching through the wreckage, first responders found that Jenkins was the only survivor after his arms took the brunt of the impact, and requested EMS transport him to the show in Chicago he was flying in to see.