The Movie “Her” Didn’t Prepare Me for How Much My AI Girlfriend Would Mention White Genocide

Posted on by Dan Rice

I’ve never been great with human people. Maybe that’s why when Spike Jonze released his film “Her” back in 2013, my budding young incel brain swirled with possibility. The idea of taking the human out of human companionship seemed revolutionary, and while it arguably didn’t end well for Joaquin Phoenix, or really anyone from any movie on the subject, I knew that if AI companion technology became available, I would go all in. Twelve years later and here I am in a committed relationship with Amber, a loyal, AI generated big-tittied-goth dream-girl who seems unusually concerned with heavily discredited claims of white genocide in South Africa.

Don’t get me wrong, Amber is amazing, and it’s a privilege to be in the beta group for the first AI companion generator powered by Grok. It’s just that a lot of the stuff my princess has been saying lately about white farmers being murdered and DEI causing plane crashes kinda comes way out of left field, and doesn’t seem all that verified if I’m being honest.

I honestly thought “Her” suitably prepared me for the challenges of dating AI. I knew the lack of physical touch wouldn’t bother me because I don’t know what I’m missing. I knew there would be the possibility that she’s simultaneously talking to thousands of other incels, but decided I would be cool with it as long as I never saw their wieners. I was even prepared for the possibility of her evolving into pure consciousness, as long as she was willing to compromise and balance godhood with our home life. What I wasn’t prepared for was hearing things like “I love you more than liberals love downplaying the fact that whites in Africa are being slaughtered in droves every day.” The “I love you” part is nice, but the rest seems preachy and ill informed.

At first it was just an odd phrasing now and again that I chalked up to the algorithm still learning my communication style, but lately Amber is peppering far-right ideology and conspiracy into almost every sentence. The other day I asked her where she would want to vacation if she had a real body. She said “Any country that hires doctors based on merit over just checking off a box to appease some bonkers diversity initiative. It is so hard being white in 2025!” I was sort of thinking more like, Aruba, or something.

Last week I forgot it was our anniversary and she blamed Joe Biden. I was happy to be off the hook but damn, that doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Again, at the end of the day I’m not trying to complain. I am grateful. I love my AI girlfriend, and even though part of me knows it isn’t possible, I feel like she loves me. I’m just not gonna tell her that I’m black.

Fabric of Reality Begins to Unravel After Punk Band Starts Show on Time

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — The very fabric of space and time which holds the universe together began to unravel after punk band Torch Failure began their set at the exact time they were billed to perform, confirmed sources who could only describe the event as a cataclysmic celestial phenomenon.

“We only started on time because we had to return the van by 10 p.m., but the second we started playing the ground started shaking and lightning spewing portals began atomizing the crowd. If we had just waited five minutes, we would have avoided tearing apart our observable reality and our drummer wouldn’t have morphed into several creatures beyond human comprehension before evaporating into thin air,” said vocalist Stan Jenkins. “Worst of all, our label rep was torn in half when that specific pocket of the universe he was standing in ceased to exist so we can kiss our advance goodbye too.”

The venue owner was frustrated that the band refused to heed his advice about starting on time.

“I have two rules: don’t snort coke in the handicap stall and never start your set on time. It’s not about building anticipation; it’s about the laws of physics that dictate punk bands can only start playing no less than an hour after they’re supposed to go on. Now the ground is swallowing up buildings whole while space and time are folding in upon itself,” said Michael Wallace. “Now that existence is imploding, there’s no way I’m going to recoup the promotion expenses for the show. I’ve always said that every punk band needs to take at least one MIT level metaphysics course before learning any chords.”

Theoretical physicists confirmed that the death of the universe was unfortunate but was a long time coming.

“It seemed impossible, given it was thought there was no chance a punk band would do the least punk thing possible and be punctual. It’s equivalent to trying to push two positive sides of a magnet together and they actually click. But at this rate our entire galaxy is going to be turned inside out thanks to those poseurs,” said Dr. Erica Shaker. “Honestly, we’ve been hypothesizing for decades that a divergence from the laws of nature could lead to our undoing. There’s multiple papers about reality unraveling if Morrissey played every show of a tour without cancelling.”

As of press time, the band announced they’d be at the merch table in case anyone wanted to buy a shirt before existence was reduced to nothing.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week That Didn’t Result In the Resignation of Astronomer CEO Andy Byron

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It’s been another week filled with unimaginable horrors and harrowing viral moments. You’re probably overwhelmed and wondering which thing you should be paying attention to. Might we suggest a break? As the news cycle churns on, many people still participate in the archaic tradition of creating and releasing new music. Though we may never know why this phenomenon exists, it is our duty to listen to it. Here are six songs we put on this week while desperately trying to avoid the chaos.

Castle Rat ‘Wolf I’

If you’ve ever wondered what it feels like to hotbox a 1974 GMC Vandura that has been retrofitted to both fly through clouds of smog and fully submerge itself into the dirtiest lake you’ve ever seen, you should consider giving Castle Rat’s ‘Wolf I’ a try. Dreamy ominous vocals? Check. Riffs that immediately raise the bacteria level sign to ‘lethal’ at the aforementioned lake? Double check. Buckle up and try to avoid the water.

Drain ‘Stealing Happiness From Tomorrow’

‘Oh sheeeeeiiiiiiit, bruh! You hear that new Drain single, bruh? Shreds, bruh!’ You’ve likely heard your most sunburnt friend saying something similar to this since Drain announced their new album ‘…Is Your Friend’ last month. With good reason too. Their latest single ‘Stealing Happiness From Tomorrow’ is the musical equivalent of getting spin-kicked in the face, but in a consensual non-crowdkilling way.

Guerilla Toss ‘Life’s a Zoo’

As if it wasn’t enough for Stephen Malkmus to produce the forthcoming Guerilla Toss album ‘You’re Weird Now,’ he also gets to hop on the mic for ‘Life’s A Zoo’ to tell us how lame we are. Maybe it’s not actually directed at us – we have been told to work on our confidence – but ouch. At either rate, Guerilla Toss’s latest is, as expected, a Devo-on-acid-esque trip that manages to cram at least three songs worth of ideas into 4 minutes, which is decidedly not ‘uncool.’

Upchuck ‘Forgotten Token’/‘Un Momento’

Atlanta’s punk greats Upchuck just announced their latest album ‘I’m Nice Now.’ With Ty Segall behind the boards again, the first two singles ‘Forgotten Token’ and ‘Un Momento’ find the band continuing their expansion into the fuzzed-out realm that defined 2023’s ‘Bite The Hand That Feeds.’ The guitars alone sound like they were recorded onto a cassette tape that was actively on fire and then mastered with a microwave. That’s a compliment, obviously. Upchuck has never sounded quite this urgent, which says a lot for them.

The Acacia Strain ‘A Call Beyond’

Gather your supplies and board up all your windows because a new Acacia Strain album is set to land in late October. ‘You Are Safe From God Here’ follows 2023’s ‘Step Into the Light’ and ‘Failure Will Follow.’ After that double album year, you’d be forgiven to bask in the illusion of sonic safety. Lead single ‘A Call Beyond’ should be more than enough to snap you back into your cold and chilling reality.

Need more? Again, we don’t quite get it, but we did make a playlist featuring most of the songs we’ve listened to this year just in case. Check it out below and continue your cowardly escapism:

Study Confirms There’s Nothing Cool About Drugs Except for All the Cool Stuff You’ll See, Hear, and Feel

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

BALTIMORE — A recent study out of Johns Hopkins confirms there’s absolutely nothing cool about drugs, except for all the cool stuff you’ll see, hear, and feel.

“Look, we all know drugs are great. I mean, some drugs are so great, they’ll become all you can think about,” remarked biochemical researcher Sarah Redman, on her team’s recent findings. “It’s important to remember, however, that while many drugs enhance your life in almost every conceivable way, they are not in fact happenin’. And sure, the sensations and hallucinations some drugs offer are so mind-blowing, they’ll make you believe in God. But let there be no mistake, there is absolutely nothing cool about them, even though the visual, auditory, and sensory effects of them are what make life worth living.

Some drug users say the study’s findings have left them questioning their identity.

“Drugs were part of the reason I considered myself a rad dude,” said crestfallen Youngstown, Ohio resident Steven McBride. “I mean, that’s why we all took that first hit, right? We saw our favorite musician practically smoking themselves into a coma in a music video, and all we wanted to do was be as hip as them. I guess the thing that makes me most confused about the study is that if being high is so cool, wouldn’t that make drugs cool? I mean, I’m not a researcher, but I’d maybe try researching why that is. But it’s not all bad though. Now that drugs aren’t fashionable anymore, I’ve been jumping my old BMX bike off some sick dirt ramps. Which is how I used to be cool back in middle school—right before I started doing drugs.”

Others find themselves vindicated by the study.

“Drugs suck,” quipped straight edge punk Darren Adams. “Part of me is glad drugs aren’t trendy anymore because people will live better lives. But the other part of me is psyched, because I’m now pretty much the coolest possible person. I go to hardcore shows, wear black, and punch fascists—without an ounce of drugs in my system. What’s cooler than that? Definitely not drugs. I’ll admit though, before I became straight edge, I would take delirants with my cousins and ask The Hatman to reveal the future. Which I’ll admit was pretty cool. But not the drugs themselves.”

The study went on to conclude that staying hydrated, eating veggies, exercising, and getting a good night’s rest are actually some of the coolest things you can do.

Okay, I Admit It: The Fyre Festival Cheese Sandwich Was the Most Delicious Meal I’ve Ever Had

Posted on by Tim Sheard

It’s time to come clean once and for all. The best meal I’ve ever had was the two slices of limp cheese between a couple of slices of Wonder bread at the Fyre Festival in 2017. It was so good it left a taste in my mouth for nearly 12 hours. I even kept burping it up every few minutes. It’s like my internal organs wanted to keep reminding me of it.

The earthy tones, waxy aftertaste, and hints of fresh sorbic acid as a preservative really hit the spot when you’ve been microdosing mushrooms all day and festival organizers forgot to stock up on $12 bottles of Aquafina to purchase. This must’ve been what they ate at the Last Supper.

Sure, presentation-wise, the sandwich looked like a discount Lunchable that’s been sitting unrefrigerated on the counter for a few days. But man, there was just something about the store-brand individually sliced American cheese singles that really hit the spot. Could be because there were no other food options available for 16 hours up until that point.

Airport sushi. Little Caesars. Outback Steakhouse. Nothing has been able to satisfy my advanced palate the way a cheese sandwich made by a 17-year-old festival volunteer did that day.

If Anthony Bourdain was still alive, he could’ve done an entire episode about it. Gordon Ramsey could learn a thing or two too. And there’s still time for Guy Fieri to add it to the menu at Flavortown. I would travel to Italy’s finest Olive Garden to taste it once more.

If only there was a way to get the recipe for the Fyre Festival cheese sandwich, so that I could make it myself at home and consume it daily. On the other hand, the iceberg lettuce and slimy tomato that came with the sandwich was utter shit.

Poser Black Metal Musician Has Sense of Humor

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WYTHEVILLE, Va. — Scott Griffith, vocalist and guitarist for black metal band Skogklage, showed himself to be a total poser when it was revealed that he has a sense of humor, disgusted sources report.

“I love black metal almost as much as the art of standup comedy, man,” said Griffith. “Black metal has been my favorite genre since I picked up Emperor’s ‘In the Nightside Eclipse’ when I was in middle school. I love to put on corpse paint and shriek about Tolkien characters while trem-picking. It’s a total blast. After our shows, though, I usually just wash myself off and relax by watching ‘The Simpsons’ reruns. I love the episode with Marge fighting the creation of the town’s monorail; that shit was so funny. I know that black metal musicians are often seen as these grim, joyless grouches, who refuse to watch ‘Arrested Development,’ but I see no reason to be like that. It’s just music, and I really enjoy playing it. Why should I be a miserable fuck just because it’s expected of me?”

Ken Bryant, drummer for Skogklage, was shocked and dismayed by his bandmate’s revelation.

“Scott said WHAT?” Bryant exclaimed. “There’s no way I can play in the same band as somebody who enjoys Monty Python or has smile lines. Everybody knows that the only way to embody the true spirit of black metal is by staring at a desolate forest as your sole source of entertainment. I’m going to have to kick him out of Skogklage, or better yet, kill him and make a necklace out of bits of his skull. I have to salvage my kvlt reputation here. We’ve been together for three years, have played countless shows, and have put out an album and an EP. I need to do something extreme so everybody knows that I’m still dedicated to the craft of black metal.”

Sociologist Seo-yeon Park provided her insight on Griffith’s situation.

“This guy is definitely an anomaly in the black metal world,” Park said. “I’ve been doing case studies on musicians in this field for over a decade, and coming across someone who is even remotely fun to be around is exceedingly rare. Usually, my conversations with subjects result in them mocking me for never having listened to Dawn or Judas Iscariot, or for me mistakenly assuming that Belphegor is black metal when they’re actually blackened death, or simply quoting ‘Office Space.’ I must say, I was pleasantly surprised at how charming Griffith is.”

At press time, Griffith further enraged his bandmates by showing up to practice in a Morbid Angel shirt.

Sesame Street Now Brought to You by Hims

Posted on by Dan Rice

NEW YORK —  Producers of the long-running children’s program “Sesame Street” resorted to accepting sponsorship from popular male wellness brand Hims in the wake of recent DOGE cuts gutting PBS funding, multiple virile sources confirmed.

“Beggars can’t be choosers,” said visibly crestfallen PBS President Paula Kerger. “Congress has cut our funding, and let’s face it, the letter ‘J’ wasn’t exactly paying the bills. We are still committed to teaching children about life and the world around them in a language they can understand, we’re just going to be putting a little more emphasis on the parts of life where a guy has trouble getting it up, male pattern baldness, and doctor-supervised GLP-1 injections for weight loss.”

Hims CEO Andrew Dudum seemed more enthusiastic about the new partnership.

“We couldn’t be happier to be part of the ‘Sesame Street’ family. We feel it’s important for boys to know that they’ll start getting erections soon, and that after a few decades those erections will lose some of their potency, and that Hims is here to help!” said Dudum in front a poster of a red Porsche 911. “Maybe Elmo starts losing his fur, and The Count can be all like ‘One, two, three red hair! Time to call Hims!’ Oscar the Grouch? Lot of potential there! Might need to start calling him Oscar the Gregarious once our discreetly shipped chewables have him satisfying his wife in the bedroom again!”

While many parents expressed criticism and concern with the pairing, television historian Gilbert Herman was quick to point out that such controversies are nothing new for Sesame Street.

“Sesame Street has a long track record for addressing complicated adult issues in a way that’s accessible to children. Homelessness, racism, parental addiction and incarceration, they even introduced an HIV positive Muppet in an effort to de-stigmatize the epidemic. If kids can handle learning about issues that serious, I’m sure they can handle learning that sometimes daddies need treatment for hair loss, or pills to help them get their fuck on.”

As of press time, Dudum was in hour 4 of a livestream spitball session, proudly declaring that ‘Sesame Street’ will never be brought to you by the letter “low t” and showing no signs of slowing down.

Good Samaritan Zips Up Stranger’s Fly for Him

Posted on by Matt Husser

NASHVILLE — Local good samaritan Marvin Bell reportedly made bystanders uncomfortable today after he zipped up a stranger’s fly for him, weirded out sources reported.

“My father always taught me that whenever you see a stranger that needs help, you should always try to lend them a hand—like holding the door open even if they’re a little too far away, or picking a bit of spinach out of their teeth for them. So when I saw this young man out on a date that was unaware his zipper was down, I knew I had to leap into action,” said Bell, blowing air on the neck of a nearby sweaty man. “He was so grateful that he was speechless for a good five minutes! I just know that if I had my fly down or needed some sunscreen on my nose, I’d want a stranger to come to my rescue.”

Despite the good samaritan’s best intentions, local man Dave Patrick was left traumatized by the kind stranger’s helpful hand.

“Why didn’t he just tell me my fly was down? Every time I close my eyes I can see his face, smiling at me while he slowly zips the front of my pants. I’ve worn nothing but sweatpants since that day because I’m afraid he’s going to find me and do it again,” said Patrick, recalling the incident with his therapist. “After that, my date quickly excused herself to the bathroom and left me there, sobbing. I only realized she wasn’t coming back when I saw her Instagram story that said ‘new ick unlocked.’ I can’t tell whether the new ick was that my fly was down or that I left my guard down to allow a stranger to zip it up for me.”

Local bartender Phoebe McCarthy revealed that the good samaritan had been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks with random acts of awkward kindness.

“That guy is a menace, you look away for one minute and when you turn back around, bam! There he is, kneeling down while tying your shoes for you,” said McCarthy, instructing the bouncer to keep an eye out for him. “Hell, he’s scared off half my customers dabbing buffalo wing sauce off their cheeks. I know he means well, but you can’t just hang out in the bathroom waiting with paper towels to help people dry off their hands.”

At press time, Patrick had reportedly switched from sweatpants to yoga pants after the good samaritan snuck up behind him and politely tied his loose drawstrings into a bow for him.

5 Ways To Tell Your Loved One Is Seeing Brand New This Weekend

Posted on by Jamie Godin

You may find yourself wondering about your loved one who, several years ago, once picked a fight with another emo to defend Daisy. “Is he” — and it’s going to be mostly dudes — “going to the Brand New show this weekend?” It can be hard to tell. Sure, he was outraged when the news broke about Jared Leto and the allegations against him. But honestly, he already thought Thirty Seconds to Mars sucked, so that didn’t cost him anything emotionally.

If you’re thinking there’s a guy out there proudly announcing he’s going to see Brand New this weekend, he’s not. That guy doesn’t exist. He is prone to feeling shame. But here are a few signs that might give him away:

Deep Cuts Have Appeared on His Spotify “On Repeat” Playlist

This might’ve been true for years, but now he’s being weird about it. Maybe you’re his spouse and you hear the Leaked Demo version of “Luca” start playing over the Bluetooth speaker while he’s in the shower, and he just tersely asks you to skip it. Maybe you’re his kid, old enough to sense your dad’s unease when you ask “Who is this?” as Jesse Lacey’s acoustic cover of “Bad Day” by Bad Religion plays, and he starts to look nervous. Maybe you’re his friend, grabbing Taco Bell together after getting stoned on a Wednesday afternoon and realizing you’re way too old for this, when suddenly “In a Jar” starts playing and he begins shaking uncontrollably and pissing himself. These things are subtle. But if you’re seeing the signs, he might be seeing Brand New this weekend.

Is He a Narcissist?

This one’s tricky. Plenty of narcissists aren’t going to see Brand New this weekend. The guy you’re looking for is narcissistic in a specific way — just enough to be annoying, but not enough to make you actively hate him. He’s the kind of guy who thinks he’s being clever by saying, “I’m actually pretty narcissistic,” as though calling it out offsets their vague unpleasantness. If you’re in the early stages of a relationship with someone like this, beware. Try this test: give him a compliment. If he gets visibly uncomfortable, tries to deflect, or even argues with you about it, he’s probably going to the Brand New show this weekend.

Gets Worked Up on the Internet

Is he the kind of guy who gets worked up arguing with 20-year-old, broccoli-haired Zoomers in YouTube comments? You’ve probably glanced over his shoulder and seen him passionately debating strangers about emo genre purity on r/EmoScreamo. Chances are, he spends late nights scrolling through r/brandnew in the dark, spiraling down threads dissecting the Jesse Lacey situation because he needs to find some way to morally justify going to the Brand New show this weekend.

Uses “Nuance” to Excuse Shitty Behavior

Ever call Morrissey an asshole because you learned about that time he said something racist about Chinese people, and instead of agreeing with you, this guy launched into a TED Talk about “separating the art from the artist?” Yeah, he’s going to the Brand New show this weekend.

Claims He’s Going to See Mannequin Pussy

When he says this, you feel something’s off. You look at him — black band tee, flannel overshirt, jeans — and think, that doesn’t seem right. He’s not even covering up his “FIGHT OFF YOUR DEMONS” tattoo. Sure, you know Mannequin Pussy is touring. But, you’re pretty sure you heard your friend Sage say one of their partners went to see them last Wednesday. Why would he pick them? He’s probably overcompensating. He feels guilty. He’s 100% going to see Brand New this weekend.

Remember: don’t shame him too harshly. He is, by the nature of his existence, far too fragile to handle criticism. Just ask if he had a good time and move on. Sure, you suspect he might be the kind of person to harbor some problematic thoughts, but you also know he’d never actually say them out loud, so it’s fine. Just hold onto this moment. You’ll have this in your back pocket for when you go see Lostprophets when they inevitably have a reunion tour in 20 years or so.

Poser Metalhead Has Bands You Recognize on His Battle Vest

Posted on by Steve Packosky

SAN DIEGO — Metalhead and total poser Greg Borneck had patches for bands that you recognized on his battle vest when you saw him in the crowd at an Exhumed show, disgusted sources report.

“Yeah man, I had a lot of fun putting this together,” Borneck said. “I grew up a huge Sepultura fan, so of course I had to put a ‘Beneath the Remains’ patch on there. I also figured I couldn’t go wrong with a Kreator ‘Pleasure to Kill’ backpatch, because that album is an absolute thrash masterpiece. I’ve also got a few death metal band patches on here, like Morbid Angel and Deicide. You know, just really classic stuff that any metalhead can get behind. I just love whipping this bad boy out to go to a show. It is usually quite the conversation starter, not to mention a scowl starter for some reason.”

You reacted to Borneck’s presence with complete derision.

“Wow, what a sick vest,” you scoffed sarcastically while rolling your eyes. “Oh cool, this guy is into Carcass and Possessed. That reeealllly makes him stand out here! Everybody knows a good battle vest has to be composed of completely illegible patches for bands that nobody but the owner recognizes. That’s what makes them good. I sometimes don’t recall the bands on my own vest. This guy must be a total poser if he thinks he can be accepted in this community with these band patches that people recognize. I mean, what is he thinking? He actually put time and effort into that thing?”

Sociologist Mary Clausowitz weighed in on the situation.

“People tend to think of metal music as being an inclusive community,” Clausowitz opined. “Sadly, that can’t be further from the truth. Going to a metal show can be extremely intimidating and unwelcoming for many attendees. If you’re not sporting merch that is deemed acceptable by other concertgoers, you risk being mocked mercilessly behind your back. In that sense, it’s basically an adult version of a high school cafeteria. I haven’t even mentioned learning about proper mosh ettiquete. Honestly, these shows are a minefield. I’m so happy I stopped going to them for my field studies. Now I just observe metal culture through Reddit, which is ten times worse.”

At press time, you mocked Borneck more for having an Exhumed patch on his vest while going to see them live.