Michael J Oconnor, Author at HARDTIMES

Every Person at This Show Except Me Needs a Shower

Posted on February 11, 2022 by Ryan Casey

Can you believe these people? I walk into this show, pay my five dollars, and I’m greeted by a wall of B.O. Have some respect for yourselves! It’s as if every person in the room ran a quick 5k, cooked 3 pounds of onions, and snacked on some mung bean sprouts right before they walked in. How are these people so blissfully unaware? I feel like I’m the only person here who had the decency to shower this month.

Sure, the crust punks have an excuse. Not showering is just part of being a trust fund kid who hates their parents. I’m sorry, I meant their “political views.” But so far I’ve only seen two of them. And while I’m sure under the right circumstances their stench could kill a horse, I seriously doubt they’re solely to blame for the fog of stink I’m currently engulfed in. So what’s everyone else’s excuse, huh? Didn’t have time? Who doesn’t have the 18 seconds needed to take a full shower and brush your teeth?

Whatever happened to deodorant? Too capitalist? It is for me, but I happen to have fragrantless pits. If I were them, I’d be applying whatever didn’t spell like GG Allin’s ball sweat. Because let’s just say this show smells way more legendary than it is.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking right now. Is it possible that I’m the problem? Absolutely not! Just like I’m not the reason every gaming convention, gym locker room, and sewer I go to always smells like death. Now, if those smells are rubbing off on me then maybe I could conceivably smell less than pristine. But that’s what the monthly showers are for!

Dry Cleaner Calls David Byrne To Remind Him They’ve Had Giant Suit For 30 Years Now

Posted on February 11, 2022 by Patrick Crooks

NEW YORK — A local dry cleaner called Talking Heads frontman David Byrne this morning informing him that they still have the giant suit he dropped off nearly 30 years ago, sources report.

“Yeah, I was going through the racks of unclaimed stuff and found this huge suit and thought it was weird because I remember some scrawny dude who seemed equal parts nervous and confident bringing it in decades ago,” remarked owner Pete Esposito. “It’s a nice suit and all so I figured he’d probably want it back and probably had a hell of a time wondering what happened. Plus, it’s been taking up the extra-wide, extra-tall garment rack, and it’s the only one we have like that. Anyway, I left him a voicemail.”

Byrne, when reached for comment, confirmed this version of events.

“Oh, yeah, the suit. I have a couple of those so I just must’ve forgotten to pick up that one,” the singer explained. “I think people are under the misconception that those are a regular part of my wardrobe, but I keep a healthy rotation of everyday items like shag carpet suits, and other monochromatic items cinched together. Usually, I keep those giant ones in storage, so that’s probably why I didn’t notice it was missing. Plus, getting those things pressed is a real pain in the balls, so it’s kind of one of those outta sight, outta mind things.”

“It’s not like I still wear them around the house or anything. That would be weird, right?” he added.

Music and fashion critics were quick to note that incidents such as this were not out of the norm.

“Musicians are just like the rest of us and occasionally forget things, clothing included,” noted fashion blogger, Heather Clark. “Particularly, these people are often eccentrics who own numerous garish and bizarre clothing items, so it’s probably more common to lose something like a giant suit or a dress made entirely out of raw meat. So to the average person, something that might stand out as missing would likely get lost in the pile for someone like David Byrne.”

At press time, the dry cleaner was asking if that weird European lady ever picked up her bird costume.

We Sat Down With Operation Ivy To Confirm Rumors of a Possible Reunion Between Me and My Ex

Posted on February 11, 2022 by Bobby Korec

As rumors continue to swirl of a long-awaited reunion, we sat down with the legendary ska-punk band “Operation Ivy” to ask some questions. While the break up may have been long ago, recent social media posts suggested a possible reconciliation and we were determined to get to the bottom of this. Anyway, here’s what Op Ivy had to say about the possibility of me and my ex getting back together.

The Hard Times: What an incredible honor. You can probably guess the one thing on everyone’s mind right now.

Operation Ivy: Oh yeah. We get this question all the time.

It’s a real “will they or won’t they” situation, isn’t it?

You could say that.

So let’s get right to it then. Are the rumors true? Is Brenda going to take me back after dumping me six months ago for that jerkoff Todd?

I’m sorry, what?

Just look at these text messages from last week. She basically said right here that she can’t stop thinking about me. She’s, like, so obsessed with me.

Looks like the text says she wants you to stop messaging her at two in the morning.

Ok, but do you at least think I have a shot at a “friends with benefits” type situation?

I think you should move on. It’s like how bands break up. Some get back together but most never do. Who knows? I wouldn’t get your hopes up. That’s not what music or relationships are about. Just get over it, dude.

So, no reunion sex?

Not looking good. But there is a possibility of you two going out in a group setting. Not getting back together or anything. But maybe going out to a bar and reliving some of the good times with a couple of mutual friends.

I gotta be honest that sounds kind of underwhelming.

Well that’s all we can promise you at the moment.

I understand. Hey, while I’ve got you all here, can you play “Energy” in its entirety?

Dumpster Diving Punks in Tennessee Slowly Becoming Most Literate, Multicultural Population in North America

Posted on February 11, 2022 by Tom K

ATHENS, Tenn. — Punks across Tennessee sifting through dumpsters for “perfectly good food” are inadvertently becoming the most well-educated people in America thanks to multiple statewide book bans, confirmed sources currently finishing Art Spiegelman’s Pulitzer-prize winning work “Maus.”

“What started as a routine once-over for day-old bagels turned into a journey of enlightenment, self-discovery, and a situatedness within my own lived experiences,” reports one such dumpster diver referred to only as Keek. “The books that this school throws away have changed the way I look at the world, history, everything. Maybe if some of these conservative congress members were allowed within 100 feet of a school, they’d find some of this stuff isn’t half bad.”

McMinn County Director of Schools, Lee Parkison, has weathered recent criticism on his bookshelf-to-receptacle pipeline, but has assured taxpayers he takes pride in being the cultural epicenter of the Athens vagabond population.

“I’m kind of a history buff. I learned about World War II just like everybody else did, by looking at statues, and I know for a fact that there were no mice in the Holocaust. This type of fiction, much like certain health textbooks we’ve banned that spout ludicrous fantasies of something called a ‘clitoris,’ does not belong in the modern classroom,” said Parkison. “However, any escapism we can donate to the less fortunate going through our garbage is just another example of our schools giving back to the community.”

Tennessee punks like Keek may be getting more of an opportunity than they realize, as the Library of Congress archive curation team has long held the Southern Rejected Literature genre in high regard.

“We often get jealous of Tennessee School Dumpster Collection,” said Dana Sanchez, who has been tasked with keeping track of each piece of media Tennessee lawmakers suddenly despise. “It’s very influential on the literature and film we end up saving for preservation in our own archives. We have a saying in academia, ‘to see the future, look in Tennessee’s trash.’ This can also be literally true when finding abandoned babies wrapped in discarded sex-ed curricula.”

At press time, Keek has teamed with Athens-area activism groups to start rumors that non-perishable, canned goods are “gender-affirming and woke” in order to facilitate donations to people experiencing homelessness.

Photo by Jana Miller

If Johnny Knoxville Can Still Do Jackass Movies, You Can Still Crush 20 Beers, Get In a Fight, and Pass Out in a Pool of Vomit

Posted on February 10, 2022 by David Arriaga

Hey old timer! Getting kind of up there in age, aren’t ya? Well that’s no reason to stay in tonight. You’re still young at heart! You can totally go out and do what you spent your 20s doing: getting blackout drunk, getting in a fight, and waking up covered in sticky, chunky success juice. Hell, if Johnny Knoxville can still make Jackass movies, what’s your excuse?

Despite the fact that in the next decade Johnny Knoxville will basically become his character from “Bad Grandpa,” he spent his downtime during the pandemic being shot out of a cannon. All we’re saying is if a 50-year-old man can still fight a bull with no training, you can still pick a fight with a much smaller guy in a bar. Just like you did in your 20s.

While you’re at it, now’s about the time to hit up your local skate shop and recapture your dream of being a pro skater. If Johnny Knoxville can almost die for our amusement in his 50s, the least you can do is try to finally land a 360 flip. This is best attempted after polishing off about 20 beers but before getting your ass kicked by that tiny guy at the bar. You’re still youthful but use some common sense.

After all that, you can proudly stumble back home, fire up a Jackass compilation on YouTube, and finish whatever booze you have left. Eventually, your body will reject your life decisions and send you stumbling to the bathroom to puke. You’ll wake up covered in your own vomit, feeling the pride that can only come from recapturing your youth. Your reckless, wasted youth.

Man Almost Comfortable Enough With New Guitar to Fart In Front of It

Posted on February 10, 2022 by John Danek

COOKEVILLE, Tenn. — Cautious guitarist Samuel Tollins is almost ready to fart near his new Fender American Professional II Stratocaster after three months of being together, supportive friends report.

“Well, this Stratocaster is my first American-made, professional-quality guitar so I didn’t want to rush things,” admitted Tollins, who botched previous relationships by getting too comfortable too soon with an Orange Tiny Terror amplifier, and a Digitech Whammy pedal. “I call her Darla, which is actually unrelated to my ex-girlfriend Darla. Seriously. Anyways, my cheap Epiphone SG has seen me at my worst so I know it won’t judge me: food poisoning, vomiting on my bed, etc. I’m almost ready to take the same plunge with my Darlacaster. I’ve been making excuses that I need to check something in my car for weeks, but I feel comfortable around it and think it might be time.”

Friends attempted to encourage Tollins with words of wisdom and tales of personal experience.

“Relationships come in many different varieties. I prefer to keep my relationships with my instruments sexy and classy, so I’ll never fart in front of my Stingray basses,” said Janice Owens, who puts her basses in their cases before burping. “But for some people like Samuel, doing gross stuff is endearing. I don’t personally get it, but maybe that’s just my Catholic upbringing. Good for him. But remember, once you fart in front of your guitar, there’s no turning back. It will never look at you the same.”

Musicologists weighed in on the pros and cons of getting too comfortable around your gear.

“It’s an important step in your relationship with your instruments—fart too early, and it will judge you as a disgusting slob forever,” said Dr. Taylor Yard, professor of music at University of Tennessee. “But wait too long, and you’ll never be able to feel truly comfortable at home. You’ll be sneaking to the bathroom to fart, or changing behind a privacy screen like 18th-century royalty just to avoid the judgment of the guitars, basses, and drum kits who should provide you with happiness and joy.”

As of press time, Tollins has reportedly made the decision to break the ice and wind tonight with a last-minute trip to Taco Bell.

You either Die a Scene Legend or Live Long Enough To See Yourself Become the Merch Guy

Posted on February 10, 2022 by Ciara Murphy

When determining the most admired person at a local show, it could easily come down to a toss-up between the front man and the bartender. The least respected might be more easily identified as the Merch Guy. The man who sits behind a wonky table, hoping someone might convince themselves that they need a Fever Krust t-shirt and throw him a crumpled note to put in his little red tin.

How do you go from being the life and soul of the scene to the dead-behind-the-eyes pile of beard hawking crap at the back of the room? Joe ‘Pockets’ McGill knows all too well…

The Hard Times: Hey man! We almost didn’t see you there. How’s business?
Merch Guy: Some guy who wanted to buy a wristband just asked me if I take card so I had to spit on his shoe. I’d call it a busy night.

Tell us, how does a guy like you land this job anyway?
I used to be a name around here, people knew me. Pockets they’d call me, because during every show people would throw so much beer on me that I’d drink it from my pockets at the end of the night.

That’s… awesome.
Our shows were always packed. We really thought we were gonna make it big, y’know? Then, all of a sudden, the younger, tamer bands started drawing bigger crowds. Before I knew it, I was only getting on stage if they needed a hand setting up their 13 guitar pedals.

Did you enjoy being a roadie?
I definitely liked swapping out the drummers’ ride cymbal for an extra crash, just to see them squirm when they’d accidentally make some actual noise. But once I hit 60, all that heavy lifting had really done a number on my back. It was fucked up man but all I really wanted was a spot to sit down.

And you decided to step down to a Merch Guy position?
Nobody “chooses” this shit it just happens. I found a chair in the back and sat for one of the shows. Suddenly the band had a table set up in front of me and expected me to guard a tin of cash during their set. I took that responsibility seriously and sealed my fate as the merch guy.

Do you have any advice for any aspiring merch guy out there?
If there is anyone reading this who actually wants to do this job, I would urge you to re- evaluate your life choices. I could be living it up with a wife and pension at this stage of my life but instead I sit here and try to sell enough t-shirts so that I can get a pack of PBR and some Advil at the end of the night. I don’t even enjoy the shows anymore, not since lead singers stopped spittin’.

Well, thanks for talking with us, it has been a pleasure.
Hey, aren’t you gonna buy something? I just spilled my guts to you!

Sorry, Fever Krust just finished their set and I would really like to interview someone that people might actually want to read about.
Swine!

Okay I guess I wouldn’t mind shilling out for a t-shirt.
That’s more like it.

Do you take cards?

You can find Joe ‘Pockets’ McGill at a little table at the back of most shows in Electric Avenue on 5 th Street. If you pay him a visit, we recommend bringing cash.

You either Die a Scene Legend or Live Long Enough To See Yourself Become the Merch Guy

Posted on February 10, 2022 by Ciara Murphy

How do you go from being the life and soul of the scene to the dead-behind-the-eyes pile of beard hawking crap at the back of the room? Joe ‘Pockets’ McGill knows all too well…

Well, thanks for talking with us, it has been a pleasure.
Hey, aren’t you gonna buy something? I just spilled my guts to you!

Do you take cards?

You can find Joe ‘Pockets’ McGill at a little table at the back of most shows in Electric Avenue on 5 th Street. If you pay him a visit, we recommend bringing cash.

“Sure, I’ll Check Out Primus” Says Person on Worst Date of Their Life

Posted on February 10, 2022 by Jonah Nink

CARBONDALE, Ill. — Area woman Meg Sebastian conceded that she would “check out Primus” in a desperate bid to end what she would later call the “worst date I will ever go on.”

“Marty Flannel’s Hinge profile was full of green flags. He had a job, dressed well and you could definitely see a bedframe in the background of a few pictures,” said Sebastian. “He wanted to meet at this bowling alley, which sounded fun at first, but he didn’t want to do any bowling. Marty just really liked their shitty pizza, which he ate by peeling off the cheese and rolling the sauce-covered dough into little balls. He spent the rest of the date raving about Primus, with the occasional break to show me an ‘American Dad’ clip off his iPad.”

“I panicked and said that I would check Primus out, thinking that it was the only thing that would stop him from killing me. I had to pay for everything because they wouldn’t accept his Robinhood card, but I was just happy to be done with it,” she added.”

Sebastian’s friends had warned her about dating Flannel.

“I told her not to even bother with this date but Meg wouldn’t listen,” said Stan Halpert, who had also gone on a miserable date with Flannel. “He reels you in with his flirty texts and good looks. You think he might be the one, and then bam; you’re 35 minutes into a rant about ‘Sailing the Sea of Cheese’ or something called The Les Claypool Frog Brigade. Seriously, what the fuck does any of that mean?”

Flannel insisted that he was simply trying to share his music tastes, and will not be reaching out about possibly connecting for a second date.

“Too often am I forced to educate the laymen on the intricacies of Primus,” said Flannel. “Much like the pizza at Skippy’s Bowling Lanes, albums like ‘Frizzle Fry’ and ‘Pork Soda’ are too nuanced and masterful for most to comprehend. I don’t listen to anything else, just like I don’t eat anything besides square pizza. If my date doesn’t understand that, then they are clearly unfit for my loins.”

At press time, Sebastian was seen fleeing from a coffee shop after her date mentioned he “really thinks Porcupine Tree is underrated.”

Near-Death Experience Causes Man to Quit Drinking for the Rest of This Week

Posted on February 9, 2022 by Dom Turek

MUNCIE, Ind. — A local man’s brush with death after drunkenly falling from a third-story balcony on Tuesday inspired him to quit drinking for the rest of this week, according to sources who witnessed the incident.

“Almost dying was exactly the incentive I needed to quit drinking for the next few days,” said Dave Walden from his hospital bed at St. Mary’s Medical Center. “When you try to control your drinking, your drinking controls you, which is why I’ve decided to get serious and quit cold turkey for an entire business week. I’m technically not allowed to drink on these pain medications anyway, so the timing works out perfectly.”

Walden miraculously suffered only minor injuries after falling three stories into a pile of garbage bags after betting his friends a case of beer that the balcony railing could hold the weight of a grown man.

“As soon as I saw the wood start to splinter, I knew I would never see my security deposit again,” said Derek Harper, Walden’s friend. “It’s crazy to think that if I followed my building’s waste management protocol and took my garbage out to the curb every week instead of letting it pile into a massive heap, Dave could be dead right now. I support his sobriety as long as he comes through with that case of beer he owes us.”

Midway through assessing Walden for signs of head trauma, Kim Lopez, the EMS coordinator on-site was struck with deja vu after realizing she’d evaluated Walden six months earlier in the parking lot of a Buffalo Wild Wings.

“I’m surprised he’s still drinking after the flaming shot incident,” said Lopez. “It looks like the skin on his ear is growing back nicely. Anytime we’re dealing with alcohol-related injuries, we’re required to recommend substance abuse counseling to the victim once they’re coherent, or at least suggest they stop trying to light their drinks on fire.”

At press time, Walden was seen lugging a mostly-full case of beer over to Harper’s apartment.

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