7 Times Jello Biafra’s Spoken Word Fixed Everything

Posted on by Andrew Murphy

If there’s one thing Dead Kennedy’s Frontman Jello Biafra is known for it’s his trademark blend of politics and outlandish theatrical stage presence. He’s been one of the most outspoken political punks, so it’s no wonder that more often than not the problems he talks about get fixed.

The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

The Middle East has been a hotbed for strife and oppression for thousands of years. So when Jello unleashed his bitingly satirical rant “Unholy Land,” all religions and ethnicities realized the errors of their ways and agreed to make peace. However they did all agree to divert their hatred towards Mongolians, but hey it’s a step in the right direction.

Conservation of Red Faced Mandril Habitat

Jello is very concerned about the environment, so it’s no wonder it’s a frequent topic in his spoken word performances. After hearing his legendary piece “Global Burning Sensation in My Junk” the Congress of Malaysia agreed to set aside 75,000 acres of Red Faced Mandril Breeding habitat in the Ong-Chak Plateau. Then the Prime Minister was indicted on corruption charges and fled the country, resulting in a power vacuum and street violence but that’s hardly Biafra’s fault.

My Relationship with my Girlfriend

I love my long-term girlfriend but our relationship hit a rough patch. So Jello kicked in the door to our apartment and performed 12 straight hours of absurdist and biting commentary about everything from the Military Industrial Complex to the hypocrisy of the Christian Right. The traumatic experience made my girlfriend and me closer than ever. Then Jello just sort of stood there for a while. We asked if he wanted anything to eat and he said he was good, he was just waiting for his Uber.

International Supply Chain Crisis:

Since COVID began the world has been experiencing unprecedented economic shocks as global supply chains have been hit by lockdowns and disruptions. So when Jello Biafra decided to go back on tour in 2022 he also decided that he was going to put his money where his mouth was, and worked extra shifts at the Port of Shanghai, helping to unload and load boats to get the economy rolling again. He takes a lot of smoke breaks, but hey better than nothing.

Wobbly Tables at Restaurants:

At the end of the day, Punk rock isn’t about destruction it’s about building a community. After going to a Denny’s where the table was being all weird, Jello wrote and performed “Suck on This, Maga Nazi” which inspired thousands of disaffected youths to start going to their local restaurants and putting a few coasters and sugar packets under the short wobbly leg of the table to make it more stable.

My Relationship with my Girlfriend (Again):

After the first time Jello came by I thought we were in the clear. But out of the blue my buddy texted me that he’d seen my girlfriend out dancing with some guy that definitely wasn’t me. So Jello Biafra snuck into my house via an unlocked window to explain that cops serve property, not working people. Also he told me that my girlfriend got invited to a salsa dancing lesson her friend got through a Groupon and the guy she was dancing with was the instructor who is gay. Then he started explaining that patriarchy was created to serve property.

The Propagation of Online Misinformation:

One of Jello’s most trenchant pieces is “Watch Out For the Flying Atomic Penis Monster From Hell!” where he explains that the absurdity of his performance art and lyrics has gradually become real thanks to the normalization of fake news and hyper-partisan echo chambers. Inspired by this, the CEOs of Social Media companies created an AI that can decipher whether your post is true. And if it isn’t, they’ll notify your boss that you’re a liar and then tell CPS you’ve been hitting your kids. Jello thought that was too extreme, so they put him in Meta-Jail but he escaped by hiding in some dirty laundry.

Inconsiderate Band Starts Show on Time

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

NEW YORK — Attendees of a recent show by garage punk band, The Dooley’s, were reportedly infuriated that the ‘selfish pricks’ had the audacity to start the show at the scheduled time, confirmed multiple sources who wouldn’t have stopped to get food if they had known.

“At first I thought they were doing a soundcheck, but then I realized they were playing stuff off the first album,” said outraged fan Matt Taylor. “The ticket said the show was at 8 p.m., so I figured as long as I got there by 9:30 I could still get a good spot. I mean, hell I was still one of the first people to arrive and they were already halfway through their set. They had just started their encore by the time most people were rolling in. I paid good money for this show and they should have the decency to not start until at least an hour after the stated time.”

“It’s just flat-out rude,” Taylor Added.

Representatives for the band questioned the accusations and countered that they had done nothing wrong.

“We’re sorry that some people had a misunderstanding as to when the show was slated to begin, but the time was clearly stated,” said the band’s bass player and de facto manager Eli Boyle. “Given that this was a Tuesday night show and that our audience skews older, the band is making every effort to start on or as close to on time as possible so fans can get home to their kids and get a good night’s sleep since people have to work in the morning! At this time we have no intention of issuing any refunds and would ask that people please stop trying to make #cancelthedooleys trend.”

Music critics said the issue was a ‘gray area’ and noted that both sides raised valid complaints.

“Historically, punk bands haven’t been known for punctuality, so you can sympathize with the fans,” stated Rolling Stone’s Jake McKay. “Typically, when you arrive on time, you spend at least an hour listening to the same audio tracks on a loop while crushed against a bunch of meatheads who are ready to get crazy, and who wants that? I will admit I was supposed to review the last show The Dooley’s played but I pre-gamed at my apartment and showed up just in time for them to be loading their gear off the stage.”

At press time, attendees of the show were seen arguing with the staff of a neighboring burger place for closing their kitchen on time and trying to be home at a reasonable hour.

Photo by Kevin Gill

How To Avoid Getting Pink Eye at the Buckcherry Concert Again

Posted on by Dave McNamara

The weekend’s finally here and you deserve a wild night at the Missouri State Fair. You got your leather boots oiled up and the brim on your shapeable straw cowboy hat is rolled up to its finest point. A point that can mean only one thing: you’re here to fucking party.

You’re just about to take the T-tops off the ‘88 Firebird when you remember you don’t have any antibiotics left over from the last time you went to a Buckcherry show and came back with pink eye. Before you consider just going to Buffalo Wild Wings for Fireball Friday instead, here are some precautions you can take to make sure the only affliction in your eyes is the word “affliction” that’s written on literally everyone’s shirt at this show.

Avoid physical contact with dirty surfaces
It might seem like a good idea to eat random ass while kneeling in a muddy piss puddle behind the portapotties, but remember what you learned from doing that last time: the number one cause of conjunctivitis is bacteria. Primarily, bacteria from a Buckcherry fan.

Try to not let anyone else’s hands near your face
Don’t get into a fistfight with your step-brother Tony when you see your ex sitting on his shoulders in the front row. As mad as you may be, you don’t want those greasy mechanic knuckles anywhere near your tear ducts.

Don’t fall asleep in an unknown environment
You would’ve been fine last year if you didn’t blackout in the livestock pasture behind the stage. Just saying.

Avoid sharing personal items with other people
If you have to do an eye-shot with a friend, make sure you each use your own bottle of Bacardi.
Try to stay away from areas with lots of known diseases and viruses. If you somehow get VIP passes, it’s probably a good idea to stay away from the backstage area altogether.

We Need To Bring Art Back Into the Schools, Because the Penises the Neighbor Kid Drew on My Mazda Are Cloying, Dare I Say Trite

Posted on by Zach Raffio

When it comes to education, all you hear about these days are budget cuts, budget cuts, and more budget cuts. As our schools put funds ahead of minds, it’s important not to ignore the arts, which deserve our support now more than ever. If for no other reason than the penises the neighbor kid drew on my Mazda are cloying, dare I say trite.

Art impacts our lives in ways one might not realize. From the musical jingle of your favorite cat litter commercial to the array of diverse, yet artistically toothless, penises that 16-year-old Dustin Hoddelby etched into my 2015 Mazda Accord with his Rick & Morty keychain. That last one has impacted my life the most.

More arts funding means more music, more film, more dance, and hopefully more dicks that don’t look like Dr. Seuss mushrooms. But like, on Seuss’s first try. It’s not that the allegory in this work was lost on me, by the way. It’s that the brushwork never let it speak in the first place. A pity. Your support for arts in the schools can help more than just Dustin’s chiaroscuro, or in this case, his chodearoscuro.

I am of the belief that to limit art is to limit the future itself. But only exposing students to the hard and fast rules of science and arithmetic, we’re murdering the discovery of who they might become if given the proper tools. A Grammy-award-winning songwriter. A renowned painter. The founder of a life-changing non-profit art studio. Or, in Dustin Hoddelby’s case, hopefully someone who can draw a pee-pee vein in plein air with at least a touch of respect for sfumato.

If you can find it in your heart to encourage our schools to keep their art curriculum, please do. And if you happen to see Dustin lurking by my Mazda at any point, please let him know that he can achieve a richer texture if he stopped underpainting, experimented with glazing, and traded his keychain for a steak knife to achieve a tad more Trompe l’oeil around the ballsack.

Cop Returns From Paid Administrative Leave With Renewed Sense of Paranoia and Bloodlust

Posted on by Jake Spanier

MINNEAPOLIS — Officer Dale Kisserman of Minneapolis’s Third Precinct returned to work earlier today after a mandatory administrative leave with a rejuvenated sense of bloodlust and paranoid thoughts, confirmed coworkers trying to stay out of his way.

“This city is a combat zone. I would know, my friend’s dad was in Desert Storm,” said Officer Kisserman, covering up the number on his badge with a Punisher sticker. “The night I discharged my weapon twenty-seven times inside that Cracker Barrell was just the beginning. Civvies have no idea what it’s like to wonder if you’ll make it home at the end of every night. Maybe a little wondering would do them good. Everywhere I look I see a dozen or more MS-13, Antifa, human traffickers coated in crack and I need to harness my warrior spirit in order to eradicate them from God’s green Earth.”

Police Chief Dave Hillstrom reportedly organized a party at the station to celebrate the officer’s return to duty.

“It’s disgusting how the media covered this incident. Officer Kisserman did exactly what he was trained to do. We all would have done the same exact thing if we had been drunk in that Cracker Barrell with him that night,” said Chief Hillstrom, hoisting up a piñata shaped like an unconscious person in handcuffs. “He’s a good man, a good officer. I just wish he’d stop sending me so many of those weird green frog memes. I love the guy, but waking up to exactly 1,448 Parler messages every morning is a pain in the ass.”

Eyes on the Block—a watchdog group that monitors police brutality and misconduct—released a statement today regarding Kisserman’s social media activity during his period of leave.

“We’re beginning to see a pattern of police departments adopting hostile attitudes towards the communities that try to hold them to account. Many officers view themselves as soldiers, and the citizens they encounter every day as enemy combatants,” said Eyes on the Block founder Eddie Wilson. “This was made especially apparent in a Tik Tok video posted by Kisserman where he paints the phrase ‘BLM,’ on a watermelon and then shoots it to pieces with an AR-15. The video has over 500 comments from fellow officers misusing emojis, but it’s clear they are all very supportive.”

At press time, officer Kisserman was spotted holding a Dunkin’ employee at gunpoint after mistaking the powdered sugar on his cruller for fentanyl.

Ticketmaster to Start Hiding Fee Amount Behind Paywall

Posted on by James Knapp

LOS ANGELES — Live show overlords Ticketmaster instituted a new paywall that hides exactly how much users are going to be gouged in unnecessary fees unless they fork over an additional $18.95, capitalist dog sources confirmed.

“Ticketmaster stands by this decision because, honestly, what the fuck are you gonna do about it?” said Ticketmaster spokesperson Andrew Steel while flipping double middle fingers to everyone in the vicinity and spitting on a small dog. “You really thought you were getting those Pixies tickets for only 60 bucks a pop? Well by the time we’re done with you you’re gonna have to take a second fucking mortgage—and the best part is that now you won’t even know it until it’s too late. This new paywall is going to revolutionize our ‘take as much money as we can from the consumer’ business model.”

Live event patrons are predictably pissed off about the new paywall system.

“I’ve put up with a lot to support live music, including being forced to inadvertently subsidize an autocratic ticketing corporation because there’s simply no way around it. A $30 convenience should be a crime. How is that more convenient than just tossing some spare change in the bucket at the door?” relented scene veteran Dallas Chonksky. “Now I need a fucking premium plan just to see how much I’m getting ripped off. I mean, I’m still gonna pay it, obviously. But this is some serious bullshit to put up with just to see The National for the eighth time.”

Finance expert Cleveland Pondleman explained the careful calculations corporations use to ensure profitability in the modern economy.

“Oh yeah, it’s all nonsense. You’re basically paying out the ass because these fatcats know that you have no other choice,” explained Pondleman bluntly. “If you want my advice, just get a third or fourth job so you can afford all the goddamn paywalls that are springing up left and right. Sure it sucks and corporate greed is a bitch, but is that really gonna be the reason you miss out on seeing Japanese Breakfast again? I think not.”

At press time, Ticketmaster had also begun requiring all user agreements be signed in blood… fresh blood.

5 Problematic Lines Scrubbed From Films on Streaming Services That It Turns Out I Was Wrong About and Made Up

Posted on by Dan Rice

As hard-copy media vanishes, so does a certain sense of security. A security that we will always have access to the art we grew up with exactly as it was when we first saw it.

Some streaming services are opting to edit out moments from classic films that have aged poorly. While I respect that not everyone has the same sensibilities, as a cinema purist I find this erasure of film appalling. I’ve always been very vocal about my displeasure to anyone in earshot when I notice an unsavory line cut from a movie I’m watching. Often that person won’t even believe me about the line in question, so I decided to do some research and dig up proof of my claims.

Okay turns out a lot of that stuff was just in my head, I’m pretty embarrassed about it.

I’m grown enough to admit when I’m wrong, and after combing the VHS section of four different Savers praying to find an ethnic slur in Bambi, I can admit this is one of those times. It’s no reflection on me as a person, okay? Here are 5 things I just remember weird I guess.

“If they ever give women the vote I’ll kill myself. No joke, I’ll do it.”
– Indiana Jones, “Raiders of the Lost Ark”
I thought Indy quipped this line to Brody as he tossed his pistol into his luggage. I guess I dreamed that. Hey, I’m glad he didn’t! Dreams are just weird, they don’t mean anything, I’m glad I was wrong!

“E. T. Smoke. Marlbrooooooooos”
– E.T., “E.T The Extra-Terrestrial”
Maybe it’s the Mandela effect at work here but I could have sworn there was this big thing about Marlboro cigarettes having a marketing tie-in with the movie “E.T: The Extra-Terrestrial.” Like, I swear, I remember some lady being mad about it on the news and stuff. The image of E.T. using his glow-finger to light one of Elliot’s cigarettes is so clear in my mind but oh well, I guess I made it up.

“You ever see an Italian’s eyes chief? Cold and black like a doll’s eyes.”
– Quint, “Jaws”
It turns out Quint was talking about sharks here, not Italian Americans. Actually makes a lot more sense since the film is about a beach community being attacked by a giant shark, and not by Italian Americans. But like in my head, that’s exactly why the line stuck out!

“The pussy to dick ratio is all fucked here. Let’s lose a few dicks and get a lot more pussies ’cause Papa’s got a tent poll you could hitch a trailer to, yeehaw!”
– Jim Lovell, “Apollo 13”
I thought there was a scene in Apollo 13 where Tom Hanks complains that his fellow astronauts aren’t attractive sex women. When a friend proved to me this was untrue I said “Oh, well, yeah, I mean the guy did that in real life,” which was also untrue.

“Paddington, if you ever find a handgun you should fire it immediately because that right there is the best day of a young bear’s life.”
– Aunt Lucy, Paddington
I really wish I fact-checked this one before I re-enacted it for my niece.

So, there you have it, I’m human and I make mistakes, sorry. In my defense, all the crazy shit from “Grease” I remembered is in the movie. Kenickie singing “Did she put up a fight,” Vince Fontaine trying to roofie Marty, a car that makes chicks “cream,” it’s all there. If anyone needs me, I’ll be watching “Grease.”

PBR Rebrands as Bread-Flavored Hard Seltzer

Posted on by Valley Simone

MILWAUKEE — Legendary beer brand Pabst Blue Ribbon made the bold decision to rebrand their classic lager as a bread-flavored hard seltzer after reviewing recent alcoholic beverage trends, multiple sources confirmed.

“Although we already have a lot of recognition within the alcoholic beverage market we decided the shift in popularity towards hard seltzer over beer among twenty-somethings could no longer be ignored. We did not have funds for product development at the time, so the only feasible option was to rebrand our existing formula as hard seltzer,” said PBR Marketing Director Brody Kaim. “After conducting some focus groups, bread was the most reported flavor profile of our beverage — specifically enriched white bread.”

The PBR marketing department has found that bread-flavored hard seltzer is performing particularly well amongst 21-24-year-old Gen Z-ers.

“I don’t eat any wheat because it causes inflammation in the body and overall the properties of that particular grain don’t align with me spiritually and astrologically,” said college sophomore and recent PBR fan Thalia Hayter. “As an empath and Gemini moon, this new hard seltzer is a great alternative for me, because there is a wheat flavor profile with none of the downsides. I’ve drank about eight in the last hour and I feel like I’ve eaten a hearty sandwich and stayed well hydrated.”

PBR is already collaborating with other companies to expand their flavor offerings after the success of the rebrand according to Boar’s Head Representative Marty Green.

“PBR has been a great partner and we are really excited to debut a new flavor next year,” said Green. “I can’t give too much away at this point in time, but let’s just say we have something not too CORNY planned to BEEF up sales for both brands. Don’t let my RYE demeanor deter you from staying up to date with our new releases. We hope to have our new collaborative flavor announced by St. Patrick’s Day. It will lend itself well to the holiday and hopefully be hearty enough to provide food-like sustenance as well as quench thirst”.

At press time, Hayter and their friends were reportedly shotgunning PBR and chanting, “Ain’t no supervision when you’re drinking the Ribbon.”

Real-Life Vampire? This Young Looking Dude Just Mentioned Beck

Posted on by Dan Rice

Vampire. Nosferatu. The un-dead. Legends of unholy, immortal creatures with a thirst for human blood have existed for centuries. Could such a long-enduring myth have roots in real life? Do the damned actually walk among us? According to the patrons of one punk bar, the answer is yes.

No one thought it was strange when a young-looking pale-skinned stranger in black clothes showed up at Nickie’s Bar one night. By all accounts, he was amicable, almost preternaturally charming, striking up conversations with people outside the venue with ease. No one noticed anything unusual until the subject of the band that had just played came up and, according to the witnesses, the stranger said “Yeah, I dig those cats, they remind me of early Beck.”

“Dig?” “Cats?” “Beck?” It became clear to everyone in the hang that this man was beyond time. How could a man who didn’t look a day over 24 be using dated slang and casually referencing music from the ‘90s that wasn’t Nirvana? The only explanation could be that this interloper was in fact a Dracula.

Eyewitnesses gave shocking accounts of the high strangeness they witnessed after the dated and damned reference to Beck Hanson:

“He kept putting this small paper tube in his mouth, and it was on fire! He called it a “cigarette.” It was sort of like vaping except, I don’t know, sexy?”

“He wasn’t on any socials, and bragged about only having something called a ‘flip-phone.’ Is social media like the same as mirrors to vampires?”

“I asked him point blank if he was a vampire. He said it wasn’t his scene, but he loved some the movies ‘The Lost Boys’ and ‘The Hunger’ which he said had David Bowie in it. That doesn’t make any sense cause isn’t David Bowie that lighting bolt guy? He was probably just trying to confuse me before moving in for the kill.”

More alarming, researchers at The Hard Times have found evidence of an ancient Beck legend that references a “Devil’s Haircut,” roughly translated as a transactional exchange with a dark entity.

Experts advise that if you ever encounter a vampire at a punk venue, you should cross your index fingers at them in the shape of a “t.” This will remind them of TikTok and they will flee.

Man Yelling Over Car Alarm Mistaken For Death Grips Show

Posted on by Zach Hudson

SEATTLE — Local man Stephen Baske is receiving unwanted praise after passersby mistook him yelling over his car alarm as a spontaneous Death Grips show, frustrated sources report.

“I’m having the worst day. Here I am scrambling to find my keys to turn this damn thing off because a fucking motorcycle drove by, I’m letting out the occasional yell of total irritation, and next thing I know all of these white kids with tiny beanies and baggy capri pants come up and start nodding their heads and filming me,” said Baske. “I yelled at them to go away, and they just started cheering. I hate this part of town. They stood outside my stoop for another 45 minutes chanting one more song, I eventually had to call the cops.”

A video of the incident posted to TikTok has already gotten attention from notable music critics, including Anthony Fantano.

“It even took me a minute to realize this wasn’t a Death Grips drop. Regardless, this man is a conceptual genius,” said Fantano. “I haven’t seen such a riveting display of theatrics mixed with that sort of raw emotion and talent in years. You can bet I’ll be following his career very closely. This guy doesn’t seem to have any real social media presence other than a LinkedIn profile, and I haven’t been able to find his music anywhere. We are watching a star be born right before our eyes.”

Members of the actual Sacramento-based experimental hip-hop group Death Grips are not pleased with the comparison.

“Honestly, this is insulting. We sound nothing like that,” said Death Grips drummer and co-producer Zach Hill while looking for samples of pitched-up chainsaw noises. “We put hours and hours of thought and production into our music. MC Ride is super upset about the whole thing. He doesn’t do interviews on a good day, so if you think you’re talking to him you’re out of your mind. And no, we won’t be collaborating or touring with this guy, for fuck’s sake.”

While the video of Baske has only been online for eight hours at press time, it has already received over a million views, and Pitchfork has already included it in their Best New Music roundup.