They say you spend one-third of your life sleeping, but if you’re a chronic insomniac like me, you probably spend that third of your life doctor-shopping for sedatives in a sleep-deprived stupor.
Sleep economy is a billion-dollar industry directed towards helping you maintain sleep hygiene, including everything from bamboo memory foam pillows to white noise machines. The list of products can be daunting, so we’ve taken on the responsibility of narrowing it down to five fail-proof sleep aids that will have you out like a light in no time, just as long as you remember to take some Xanax first.
Weighted blankets
Pressure therapy mimics the feeling of being held, which increases melatonin and leads to deeper sleep. The more weight the better, and what feels heavier than knowing your tolerance for alprazolam is rapidly outgrowing your prescribed milligram?
Sleepytime teas
Sleep teas use a calming blend of herbs like chamomile and valerian to relax the nervous system. Of course, it wouldn’t matter if my tea was blended with red bull and windshield fluid because as soon as I dissolve a few blue footballs in there, I’m knocking out before The Office theme song finishes.
Diffusers
For centuries, aroma therapies have helped people by stimulating olfactory nerves with calming scents that signal the brain to relax. Unfortunately, our olfactory nerves were coated in Xanax dust and the lavender essential oil didn’t stand a chance of penetrating our inflamed nasal cavity.
Eye masks
The silk sleep mask from Brookstone did a great job blocking out artificial light but did little to block out the nightly playback loop of our most haunting memories and deepest inadequacies, so we paired it with a Xanax to optimize the results.
Temperature regulating sheets
If you run hot at night, you should splurge on sheets that use temperature-regulating fibers. At a whopping $174, I sprung for the ultimate cooling set to see if it was worth the hype, but I wouldn’t know because I sprinkled too much Xanax on my bowl pack and woke up on the floor five feet away from my bed.