MAGA Rapper’s Version of “Fuck The Police” Mainly About Having Sex With Cops

Posted on by Chris Bowen

LAKE WORTH, Fla. — MAGA rapper Sean “Yung BilDaWall” Russell paid tribute to police officers the world over with his unique rendition of the NWA Classic “Fuck Tha Police” in which he expresses the desire to engage in intercourse with cops, several boot-breathed sources report.

“As a true patriot, and an OG voice of the Trump-centric hip-hop movement, I feel it’s my duty to let our nation’s police know we’re out here supporting, and longing to make sweet, passionate love to them,” Yung BilDaWall explained while packing a can of chewing tobacco. “The idea came to me after I was pulled over for drunkenly plowing over nine mailboxes in a row with my pickup. When that officer asked me to step out of my vehicle, I muttered to myself, ‘pucker up, show yer stuff, officer, I wanna lay you in the bed of my truck,’ I knew this song would go down in MAGA rap history and I’d get off with a verbal warning. God bless America.”

Yung BilDaWall superfan Dylan Jackson expresses his belief that MAGA rap is the music that patriots like himself crave.

“This new wave of anti-woke, pro-patriot rappers are out here doing the good lord’s work,” Jackson said. “Their music addresses the issues we country folk relate to the most. Things like working hard, drinking ice cold beer, and the urge we have to walk up to every cop we see and give them one sincere, ‘I love you. Please hold me in your arms.’ For freedom, liberty, and Donald Trump. We got yer six, officers. And we hate to see you go, but most definitely love watching you walk away.”

Music historian Charles Drake says the MAGA trend that has plagued rap music doesn’t just end with that genre alone.

“MAGA Republicans have caused such a combustible atmosphere in our society, it’s no wonder so many musicians are incorporating its influences into their music,” Drake said while pointing out the irony that Trump doesn’t even like music. “For example, the notorious MAGA-metal band Xenophobia has been causing a stir in the scene. Mainly because they’ve become the entire laughing stock of the genre, but it seems like they’re too thick-headed to understand that, even by metalhead standards.”

At press time, Yung BilDaWall was spotted working out some bars for his love song tribute towards former President Donald Trump entitled, “Our Love Don’t Have Term Limits.”

Every The Juliana Theory Album Ranked

Posted on by Eric Navarro

The Juliana Theory are part groundbreaking melodic emo and part New Kids on the Block. The band was able to “popify” ’90s emo in a way that didn’t detract from the best parts of the genre. They deserve at least some of the credit that often goes solely to The Get Up Kids for influencing the sound of 2000s pop punk/emo. Plus, I bet TJT would take that compliment a lot better than Matt Pryor does.

The Juliana Theory evolved their sound over time and made some great rock’n’roll-meets-emo records on the back half of their initial run as a band. Recently, the band reformed as a duo, consisting of the two members who clearly had ownership of the band name.

So without further ado, we ranked all of The Juliana Theory albums and we’re still not sure if they’re a Christian band.

5. A Dream Away (2021)

After reforming, Brett Detar and Joshua Fielder released this album consisting of one new song and an acoustic/folk/orchestral “reimagining” of many TJT classics. It’s a great listen for diehard fans who want to hear a softer version of songs they love. In general, however, it’s only just okay. And since it’s full of beloved songs, that’s not the best endorsement. It doesn’t ruin the songs at least. It sounds more like a YouTuber doing genre-swap videos. Alex Melton could have crushed this is all I’m saying. The beginning of the video for “We’re at the Top of the World” is pretty sweet though. I won’t spoil it, so definitely check it out. “A Dream Away” showcases how well-written some of these songs are. Personally, my biggest takeaway from this record is that I’m dying for an entire album of different versions of “If I Told You This Was Killing Me, Would You Stop?”

Play it again: “If I Told You This Was Killing Me, Would You Stop?”
Skip it: “Better Now”

4. Love (2003)

Eternally beloved by some, bitterly hated by others. This is Juliana Theory’s most controversial record. It’s likely due to the combination of its ’90s alt-rock influence and the fact that TJT’s third record had to follow up two melodic emo albums that were way ahead of their time. “Do You Believe Me” is an undeniable hit regardless, and the album has grown on many fans over the years. Unfortunately, a lot of tracks on this record really feel phoned in. It’s almost as if the band felt like they were at the top of the world and coasted after the success of that super poppy song from “Emotion is Dead.”

Play it again: “Do You Believe Me”
Skip it: “The Hardest Things”

3. Deadbeat Sweetheart (2005)

Talk about a fucking sleeper hit album. The Juliana Theory figured out the perfect mix of emo and alternative rock on “Deadbeat Sweetheart.” The energy and raw sound of a band rocking out in one room are captured beautifully on this record. Unfortunately, this was in the twilight of the band’s stint in mainstream relevancy so the record didn’t get the chance it deserved. Fortunately, they didn’t “reimagine” any of these gut-punch masterpieces as toothless, whimpering acoustic tracks on their latest album. Don’t get me wrong, toothless and whimpering are great qualities for an acoustic emo track, just not for these songs. If you were a Juliana Theory fan who passed over this one, go back and give it another chance. Especially songs like “Shotgun Serenade,” “Leave Like a Ghost (Drive Away),” and “My Heart is a Soldier.”

Play it again: “My Heart is a Soldier” (particularly the last minute, holy shit)
Skip it: “French Kiss Off”

2. Understand This Is A Dream (1999)

This album is far more influential than it gets credit for. Often, 2000s emo/pop punk bands will cite The Get Up Kids and A New Found Glory (back when they had the “A” in their name) as early influences. One listen to “Understand This Is A Dream” and it’s clear TJT has a place in the Mount Rushmore of bands that inspired the soundtrack to many teens’ 2000s. The fourth spot goes to “I hate myself” by the way. The songs are pretty pitchy and recorded a little loose, which is PERFECT for the genre mix on this album. The slower tracks helped lay the blueprint for the exact type of “emo ballad” that you can still hear in emo and emo-adjacent genres to this day. Check out any early Juliana Theory live recordings you can find to hear these songs at their absolute best.

Play it again: “Constellation”
Skip it: “The Closest Thing”

1. Emotion Is Dead (2000)

So… who’s ready to cry? “Emotion Is Dead” is a non-stop emotional campfire singalong over catchy melodies and earworm hooks. It incorporates even more elements into their sound that countless 2000s emo bands would adopt such as carefully placed screams. TJT plays with structure, harmony, and time signature on this record, with a pop sensibility that nearly no bands in their genre could match at the time. While it would seem to be a cruel fate that the bands this record helped inspire would vastly eclipse TJT in a few short years, at least the band can rest easy knowing their importance in helping shape a mainstream musical revolution that would eventually make “alternative” music the norm. Ya know, or they can rehash their old stuff and tour as half a band. Either way.

Play it again: “If I Told You This Was Killing Me, Would You Stop?”
Skip it: “We’re Nothing Without You”

Nothing Happened Today, Not A Single Bit of News to Cover, so Here Are All of PUP’s Music Videos Ranked

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

MTV had it all figured out during the ‘80s and ‘90s. The music video is the ideal art form, the one that stands atop all other creative endeavors. While MTV has forgotten that core truth of the world, PUP has not. Let’s be absolutely clear here, PUP has no bad music videos. But, we’ve been assigned by higher powers to rank them, so it’s our heavenly duty to do so. It also gives us a chance to blow off work, which is much more enticing than the whole chosen by God thing. Anyway, enough talking, let’s get into it!

Honorable Mentions:

“My Shadow” (Jay Reatard Cover)

In what would become their second music video released, the band pays tribute to Jay Reatard with an exhilarating performance filmed in black and white. This was both an exhibition of PUP’s amazing live shows and a reality check for us, after realizing we were out of breath just watching the video.

“It’s Christmas and I Fucking Miss You”

Released late 2020, this Charly Bliss + PUP collaboration was a well-needed pick-me-up after the shitshow of a year society went through. Unfortunately, a few years later, everything still sucks and the novelty of Zoom has turned into the monotony of hearing your boss passive-aggressively ask if you can turn your camera on.

20.” PUPTHEBAND Is Filing For Bankruptcy”

While this compilation of Instagram stories and vertically shot videos showcase the band’s energetic live shows, we’re putting it dead last on our list. Partly because the other 19 music videos are better but mostly because we’re still pissed off that our extremely grainy footage of Nestor’s shoes didn’t make the final cut.

19. “Morbid Stuff”

We know what you’re thinking. You think that the music video for Morbid Stuff is the same as PUPTHEBAND Is Filing For Bankruptcy and you’re wondering why this is placed higher. First of all, thank you for taking this list as seriously as we are. Secondly, PUP handed out shitty camcorders to audience members to film their set in London, which is already much cooler than the previous entry. Also, they filmed horizontally this time, which is the correct way.

18. “Back Against the Wall”

The last two entries showed viewers what a PUP show is like from the audience, but what if you wanted to see the show from the perspective of a 12-foot omniscient being hovering over the shoulders of the band? Well, you’re in luck because that’s what you’ll find here, along with an electrifying timelapse of the band loading up their tour van. What more could you ask for?

17. “Lionheart”

There’s a lot happening in this video. You may be asking, “Why is there duct tape on the couch?”. We don’t know, maybe somebody invited a Korn fan to the party and he punched a hole in the couch instead of shattering his hand on the brick wall. There’s a lot of uncertainty, but what we do know is that basement definitely smells like someone who uses sawdust as deodorant.

16. “Robot Writes a Love Song”

Just when you thought there were enough love songs in the world, PUP hits us with a video with two human-like beings with digital screen cubes for heads falling in love. And then losing that love because of society, man. It’s fucked up, that’s why we here at The Hard Times are pro-computer sex. Go ahead, link those dongles, we won’t tell.

15. “Sibling Rivalry”

Ah siblings, we all have them. Well, unless you’re an only child. Maybe you should’ve been a better kid so your parents would’ve had another. Anyway, this is a heartwarming music video that mixes a lot of art styles to depict the adventures lead singer Stefan Babcock and his sister have been through together. Maybe send this to your sibling, see if they’ll forgive you for the time you put ketchup in their lotion bottle.

14. “Free At Last”

Before anyone knew what it sounded like, PUP asked their fans to cover this song using only a basic chord chart and lyrics. The end result? “The Free At Last” music video, featuring 253 submissions that cover a wide variety of genres. The only thing that’s missing is that one anonymous asshole on the internet who says he could’ve done way better, but never actually uploaded any proof of him doing any better.

13. “If This Tour Doesn’t Kill You, I Will”

In this music video, we see the band engage in a gory free-for-all featuring a broken beer bottle, third-degree burns, and an intense hatred for each other. Most prominently, we see the Canadian healthcare system at work, fixing the band members up so they can go fight again. This is why American bands have famously never hated each other, because they can’t let out their anger with their bandmates without racking up serious debt.

12. “Totally Fine”

This is a fun one, especially if you’re a fan of pausing the video every second to read the fine print. If you don’t like doing that, you might miss out on seeing, “…metaphysical pit of abstract salacity or prurient erotic frottage” written on the stenograph. Sure, we have no idea what any of that means, but we were able to sound it out and that’s half the battle. Regardless, the video is full of hilarious text and is well worth the watch.

11. “Anaphylaxis”

Move over Manchester by the Sea and Puss in Boots, PUP perfected the art of depicting a panic attack better than Hollywood ever could. Like the title suggests, the main character is severely allergic to bees and rightfully freaks the fuck out after getting stung. The video itself was made using claymation, which proves PUP is able to conquer all mediums.

10. “See You At Your Funeral”

We like this video because we like horror. It’s really that simple. There’s also a dog dressed as a mummy, how could you not like that? And if you’re looking for something on the scarier side, don’t worry! There are brain-eating ghouls, gory smoothies, and worst of all, actual life advice that could help better yourself and get you out of the continuous loop of despair from years and years of learned helplessness. Oh, and there’s also zit popping if you’re still not shitting your pants.

9. “Dark Days”

If there’s one lesson to learn from PUP music videos, it’s that the tour life is fucking hard. In this wonderfully animated video, we see the band struggle through hangovers, a broken van window, and a fight with a Dutch bouncer. So, next time you’re upset they’re adamantly against encores, shut the fuck up and be grateful they even showed up.

8. “Mabu”

Featuring a nearly indestructible passenger side window, Norman the chameleon, and a call for a posthumous Amy Winehouse presidency campaign, PUP will force you to the edge of tears over a beat-up Toyota Camry’s last rodeo in a demolition derby. Maybe now you’ll think twice about trading yours in and take the chance of having permanent neck pain.

7. “Matilda”

Here’s another one about saying goodbye to an inanimate object, but this time it’s a guitar named Matilda. We see multiple people sell sentimental items to make some money to presumably pay for some capitalist bullshit like apartment application fees. It’s a pretty bleak video, until we see a young customer in a Phoebe Bridgers costume pluck a string on Matilda which makes the shop come alive with color.

6. “Guilt Trip”

We can’t talk about PUP music videos without mentioning Finn Wolfhard. Before he landed that big music video for Weezer and some small indie thing on Netflix, Finn portrayed a young Babcock meeting his future bandmates for the first time. It’s a really great video that shows how strong the bond is between the band. They also kill a cop for being a dick with mutton chops, so that’s pretty cool too.

5. “Reservoir”

PUP came out of the gates running with their first music video with broken drumsticks, broken glasses, and broken bones. There’s also a glimpse of the great community PUP has fostered at their shows. There are audience members helping out Zack on drums, soloing for Steve, and even resuscitating Stefan using a defibrillator. Although not an ideal scenario, it’s definitely much better than the usual audience participation tactics lesser bands rely on.

4. “DVP”

Look, we’re not complete nerds like the guys from Hard Drive, but we’ve played our fair share of video games too. Even if you’ve never played any of these retro games, you can still admire the project, which was led by frequent PUP collaborator Jeremy Schaulin-Rioux. Little known fact, the alternate ending for the recently released Mario movie can be found at 1:02, where Mario essentially tells Princess Peach to kick rocks.

3. “Sleep in the Heat”

A few years after the events of Guilt Trip, Finn Wolfhard makes his triumphant return to the PUP cinematic universe in this heart wrenching music video about losing a pet. It’s a very emotional video and it’s clear why fans love it so much. We’re crying because of the thousands and thousands of similar stories being shared in the comments, but also because this was released in 2016, which feels like a lifetime ago.

2. “Kids”

This is a pretty special one. Not only are there references to past music videos like the blood pact between Steve and Zach, there are also hints toward future music videos and lyrical themes seen on The Unraveling of PUPTheBand. Or at least that’s what we think, we’re not mind readers here. What we can say is that the band will always be pals, even in an abysmal dystopian future world where pizza is dehydrated.

1. “Old Wounds”

The pinnacle of PUP music videos, and therefore all music videos, is actually not a singular video. Instead, it’s a video game where you play as the band’s tour manager, trying to make sure they get through the night safely. Depending on the route you take, you’ll be facing bears, alien dinosaur creatures, or a drunk Warriors fan. Go on, we give you permission. Tell your boss to fuck off and spend the rest of the afternoon trying to finish all four difficulties.

And there you have it, all of PUP’s music videos ranked for your viewing pleasure. What do you think? Did we get it 100% correct or did we royally fuck it up? Either way, go ahead and yell at us in the comments, it’s okay we can handle it.

Photo by Vladimir.

Quiz: Are You Closeted Enough to Be a Conservative Congressman?

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

Becoming a member of congress takes charisma, determination, and perseverance, not to mention a bit of luck! But if you’re an aspiring congressman who wants to join the GOP, it often takes even more than that. Loads more.

To make it to the top, you’ve got to put in the extra work where it counts: cruising in the men’s bathroom at airports, scrolling through Grindr during CPAC, and then turning around and voting against LGBTQ+ rights every chance you get. Do you have the chops to serve your conservative constituency? Take this quiz to find out if you can milk it all the way to the Capitol!

1. How strongly do you oppose gay marriage?
A) Americans should have the right to love, even if I don’t personally agree with it.

B) Gay marriage is an utter abomination. I’ve never thought about marrying the male legislative aide I secretly sleep with almost every weekend. Never!

2. What is the biggest issue our country is currently facing?
A) A weak economy. We are entering a recession and need stronger protections for everyday, hard-working Americans.

B) Drag queens are corrupting our children and ripping up the moral fabric of our Christian society! We need to ban drag brunches. They are more deadly than any gun ever created! Besides, most drag queens can’t even do their makeup as well as I can.

3. What are your preferred gender pronouns?
A) I’ve never really thought about this and honestly don’t care much, personally. I guess he? Is that a pronoun?

B) U/S/A

4. Do you have sex with men?
A) I do not have sex with men.

B) How dare you accuse me of such a heinous and ungodly act?! I will sue you for libel. You don’t have any proof. Everyone in my college fraternity signed an NDA.

ANSWER KEY:
Did you answer all A’s? Then you are not closeted enough to be a conservative Congressman. Sorry!

Did you answer with a mix of A’s and B’s? Hmm. You could perhaps succeed in the GOP, but there is still more work to be done if you want to be a party leader.

You selected all B’s. Wow, are you Lindsey Graham?

Hyper-Realistic George Harrison AI Spends Band Practice Angrily Plucking Sitar and Avoiding Eye Contact With Paul McCartney

Posted on by Walker JF Glenn

LONDON — Sir Paul McCartney announced plans to continue exploring artificial intelligence technology, collaborating with a George Harrison AI so advanced that it spent their first band practice angrily plucking a sitar and avoiding eye contact, the ex-Beatle reported.

“At first it played guitar just like George did, you know. That is to say, it played what I told it to. But as the AI kept learning, it didn’t want to play guitar at all — it started muttering about Ravi Shankar, and wouldn’t look at me,” said McCartney. “Then it started playing a little tune on the sitar. It sounded pretty good, but it really didn’t fit with the sort of Little Richard-type blues number I wanted to do. It seemed like it resented me a bit, you know, it was like the real George was there.”

The engineer responsible for the AI, Mark York, noted that other Beatle personalities were evolving as well.

“John would always help Paul with a song if he got stuck. So I asked it to write a guitar part for the middle-eight section, but it just told me to ‘fuck off’ and started falling asleep,” said York. “And now it keeps showing up late to practice. I think it might be taking heroin.”

Tech journalist Samuel Kaminski has stated that these recent advances in Beatles-focused AI may only be the beginning.

“Now that the algorithms have learned to replicate the bitter feeling of being controlled by a more naturally-talented, driven bandmate, there’s probably no part of Beatles history we can’t reproduce,” Kaminski said. “Contract disputes, artistic differences, and petty jealousies can all be simulated with a few lines of code. A Yoko Ono AI is even being developed that can absorb up to 40% more misplaced blame for the band’s breakup than the real thing.”

As of press time, Ringo Starr is being replaced with an AI known as a metronome.

Every Rilo Kiley Album Ranked

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

If you want to see an aging millennial cry, go beyond the traditional “You will never be able to afford a house even though you’re almost 40!” and just remind them that Rilo Kiley no longer exists. Barring a miracle, we won’t ever see the iconic Los Angeles indie band — a fixture of 2000s college radio and beyond — play live again. They broke up more than a decade ago, but it still hurts, huh? Also, they hold a special place in the hearts of ‘90s kids because Ronnie Pinskey from “Salute Your Shorts” was on guitar, the only thing that could make it better is if Donkey Lips played keyboards.

Good thing we’re here to rank every Rilo Kiley album! Let’s make that painful nostalgia either better or much worse, or at least temporarily distract you through violent disagreement.

5. Under the Blacklight (2007)

A lot of longtime fans reflexively hated this album for dumb reasons: It was on a big record label (the horror!), the band’s sound had veered into a more polished pop with danceable moments, and the outfits Jenny Lewis was wearing were “too short.” Guys, the lyrical theme and aesthetic were literally the seedy Las Vegas underworld. Also, women can wear whatever they want. Anyway, embrace the evolution — it’s still a solid album, especially the first half, which includes the very boppy (and sadly prescient) “Breakin’ Up.”

 

Play it again: “Silver Lining.” One of many Rilo Kiley songs that masterfully capture complex, confusing emotions and relationships. Is it a bitter song? Is it a triumphant song? Happy? Sad? It’s kind of everything!
Skip it: “Smoke Detector.” When the repetitive chorus gets stuck in your head for days on end, you will pray for the sweet deafening blast of an actual smoke detector.

4. Self-Titled (1999)

The famously rare debut album. For decades, the only version that many of us “owned” was cobbled together from low-bitrate mp3s circulated on fan sites. Do you feel old just reading that? Now anyone can just listen to the entire thing on Spotify whenever. Magic! Overall, this album still sounds like a debut. Which isn’t a bad thing. Later on, we’d see the band hone their sound, but the stylistic unevenness and extra-kooky metaphors on here are also fun. And luckily that lyrical rawness stuck around.

 

 

Play it again: “Papillon.” The coziest little duet. Stoned stream-of-consciousness with tons of fascinating references in the lyrics. For research purposes only, we confirmed alt.com is still a real website. There’s even a pre-“The Office” “that’s what she said.”
Skip it: “The Frug.” A little repetitive and (sorry) overrated.

Honorable Mention: Rkives (2013)

Compilations are usually throwaways in one of two categories: 1) Repackaged nothingness. Or 2) “Whoops, the whole band hates each other now, but we owe one more album in our contract.” This is the exception. We’ve got energetic rockers like “It’ll Get You There” and “Patiently,” the catchy “I Remember You,” and many other gems that deserved to be scooped up from the cutting-room floor. Maybe some band members weren’t on great terms at this point — just listen to those thinly veiled lyrical digs in their non-RK songs — but hey, we got a “new” album and they made more money. Everyone won.

Play it again: “Let Me Back In.” A live favorite finally got a proper recording release, complete with a music video featuring compiled vintage tour footage to mercilessly stab us right in our nostalgic hearts. Doing just fine over here, thanks!
Skip it: “A Town Called Luckey.” It gets dark. Real dark. Go back and listen later once you’ve refilled your SSRIs and resolved your childhood religious trauma, maybe.

3. Takeoffs and Landings (2001)

The era of 2001 to 2004 is known for some pretty bad things (low-rise jeans, 9/11, etc.). But it was a phenomenal time for the Rilo Kiley discography. All three albums from this chapter feature, in differing ratios, the band’s signature sound elements: guitar-driven rock, hushed twangy folk, pop, blip-bloop electronic weirdness, and vintage flourishes. This one tilts slightly more toward the folky and little offbeat instrumental bits, which might be more your thing and that’s valid. You will not convince me low-rise jeans (or 9/11, just for the record) are good, though.

 

Play it again: “Pictures of Success.” Experts say that if you’ve read this far, there’s a 63% chance you once put “I’m a modern girl/But I fold in half so easily” in your LiveJournal bio. Underrated additional gem of a line: “I’m not scared/but the bills keep changing colors.”
Skip it: “We’ll Never Sleep (God Knows We’ll Try).” Only the last beat. A tiny musical cliff with a missing final note that I’m sure is intentional, but we are sensitive folks over here! Modern girls folding in half, you know?

2. More Adventurous (2004)

Before you freak out because this very popular album, which features Rilo Kiley’s most well-known song “Portions for Foxes,” is not ranked number one, please keep in mind that one time at a show, Jenny Lewis personally handed me flowers from the stage. I’m pretty sure this means that we’re married and also that my all rankings are indisputably correct. Anyway, “More Adventurous” effortlessly covers everything from messy annoying romances to existential crises, with even more lush strings and brass sections chiming in. But not so polished and poppy that it upset the highly upsettable indie kids! Whew. Way to thread that needle!

Play it again: “Does He Love You?” As a pretentious MFA guy would say, the narrative. The character ambiguity. Maybe time to just put all our energy into manifesting a full-length movie someday based on this song. Hi, Netflix!
Skip it: None. Although “It’s a Hit” will probably bring up those weird nauseous “Haha yeah, remember when we thought George W. Bush was the worst president ever?” feelings.

1. The Execution of All Things (2002)

Just like how the closing track “Spectacular Views” says “There are no bad words for the coast today,” there are no bad words to say about this album. The lyrics crash into your soul like those ocean waves, built on restrained slow builds, delicate verses, big shouting choruses, and beautifully layered arrangements. It all hits as hard in adulthood as it did when we were confused teens and college kids. You might even still consider tattooing an entire song etched across your back even though that sounds like it’d hurt a lot. But not as much as the fact that the band no longer … never mind, we’ve done that one enough at this point and we’re all sobbing already.

Play it again: The absolutely anthemic “A Better Son/Daughter.” And then again because you still can’t get out of bed. Go ahead, as many times as you need.
Skip it: None, this is an album album. That means you gotta play the whole thing from start to finish, especially so you don’t miss the hidden waltz subplot stitched together between tracks. No shuffle. You can do it.

“We Should Get Along With Russia” – Everything We Know About the Russian Cyberattack

Posted on by Dan Rice

In a global attack that exploits a popular file transfer software used by governments and major corporations, a Russian-based ransomware gang accessed data from several U.S. agencies, including the Department of Energy yesterday. Here’s what we know so far:

The hackers obtained video of the entire Department of Energy masturbating to Internet pornography

“iF YOu do n0t PaId us we Wil send VIdEo to Everys enerGy,.. USer in AMeRic?a Yuo NaughtY boY”

This attack represents the greatest threat to national security since our last President

“The biggest threat, the best threat, huge.”

There is to date no evidence that the hackers were working with the Russian government, so we’re still friends!

Or should we say, comrades? LOL, love you Russia! xoxoxo😘😘😘

Government agencies are confident that the weakness exploited by the hackers was neutralized after they went into “settings” and turned the “hackable” tab from “on” to “off”

“They really should make “off” the default.”

The FBI and State Department have declined to comment on whether or not they were affected, something they would TOTALLY do if they weren’t

“MOVE it along, nothing to see here.”

There are concerns that the location of the United States’ Monster Energy Drink Strategic Reserve was included in the stolen data

This could compromise America’s ability to “unleash the beast” in the event of an emergency.

If you used electricity in Vermont between 2007 and 2015 it’s too late, Russian hackers have already seen your bills

Lock your doors, get a gun, and make your peace with God.

The attack has had a negative impact on several healthcare systems, but they were pretty much fucked to begin with

They may actually be better now.

All GPS narration has been replaced by Yakov Smirnoff

“In 800 feet, in Soviet Russia, left turns you?”

US officials promise any future hacks on your data will be done by Americans not Russians

“Or the Chinese, but not Russians!”

While initially perturbed by the attack, officials were excited to learn that they could add inches and girth with just one gummy a day

“We don’t know why “load size” is such a selling point but all in all this is exciting news for the Department of Energy.”

“House of Cards” Showrunner Apologizes for Creating Such an Optimistic Show About U.S. Politics

Posted on by Trevor Graham

NEW YORK — Beau Willimon, showrunner for “House of Cards,” said he is sorry for creating a show with such an optimistic view of U.S. politics, and he regrets not exposing the true amoral underbelly of D.C., cynical sources confirmed.

“Yeah, we really fucked up when we created the show. I wanted it to be a gritty allegory about the lengths that the powerful elite will go to in order to gain more power, but having learned more about how D.C. really works, we basically made a political version of ‘Ted Lasso,’” said Willimon. “Remember that ‘Schoolhouse Rock’ cartoon with the song about how a bill becomes a law? That’s pretty much what I see when I watch any of the episodes of the show now.”

Some fans of the show agree with Willimon but seem to think the optimistic tone is a good thing.

“I like to go back and watch the whole series every once in a while. I don’t know, it just fills me with a sense of hope of what our government could be,” said “House of Cards” fan Mike Herbert. “You know how a lot of people will go back and watch ‘The Office’ or ‘Friends’ as a sort of ‘comfort food’ show? ‘House of Cards’ is that for me. I think people in Washington should watch this show and learn a thing or two about how they could actually improve politics… or at very least learn how to accomplish even one thing.”

When compared to his day-to-day “work” political operative Ron Maurier referred to “House of Cards” as “quaint.”

“I like to get all my D.C. insider and lobbyist friends together to watch it and laugh ourselves silly about how innocent it all seems. The only realistic thing that happens is when Frank Underwood pushes Kate Mara’s character onto the train tracks,” said Maurier while using an intern as a chair. “But come on, one pesky reporter dies? Those are rookie numbers. If I had a nickel for every time an elected official shoved someone in front of a train or into a boat propeller, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t need to blackmail Chuck Grassley ever again.”

At press time, Willimon said he is developing a new sci-fi show that is a cautionary tale about the dangers of AI and how corporations could potentially start using it as a way of replacing the human workforce in his words, “some time in a distant, totally unrealistic future.”

Punk Family Boos As Son Walks Up to Receive Diploma

Posted on by John Danek

MILWAUKEE — The ashamed parents and siblings of recent high school graduate Chase Benson booed, hissed, and jeered as he broke with familial punk tradition and accepted his high school diploma at graduation, concerned classmates reported.

“No son with a high school diploma is a son of mine, I’ll tell you that! He thinks he’s so much better than all of us because he doesn’t have any felonies, but that conformist sellout makes mee sick,” stated father Paul “Domecrack” Benson, whose only other time setting foot in a high school resulted in 200 hours of community service. “I only showed up to see if the little coward would do it. Part of me hoped he would remember the punk scene I forced him to participate in, but nope, he gladly accepted his little normie death certificate while me and the rest of the family got drunk under bleachers during the ceremony. He’ll be a corporate tool in no time. Was it me? Was I not a punk enough parent?”

Chase Benson recounted his family’s unorthodox approach to education.

“My whole life my parents have tried to get me to drop out and join a punk band. But that life is so boring, I’m going to become a financial advisor so I can go to the Bahamas whenever I want,” said Benson, who was reportedly grounded for two weeks after placing a celebratory honor roll bumper sticker on the family’s 1986 Volvo. “Spite is my only motivation. They already said that I’ve been written out of the will, but jokes on them, I know they don’t know what a will is. And I really don’t want to inherit a bunch of beer-stained back patches anyway.”

Members of the punk community grapple with the dichotomy of existing in a punk environment while striving for education and knowledge.

“Ah yes, I remember my Ph.D. ceremony well. Family flew in from all over the country to boo and throw empty beer cans at me as I accepted my degree,” recounted Offspring frontman Dexter Holland. “To any kid whose dickhead punk family heckles them, I say this: boos make you stronger. Boos make you punker. This is why I’ve been working to get more boos from Offspring fans by making questionable artistic decisions for years now.”

Eyewitness reports indicate that the Benson family’s heckling of Chase continued after the ceremony when he declined his father’s offer to take the family out for 40oz malt liquors.