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Quiz: Are You Closeted Enough to Be a Conservative Congressman?

Becoming a member of congress takes charisma, determination, and perseverance, not to mention a bit of luck! But if you’re an aspiring congressman who wants to join the GOP, it often takes even more than that. Loads more.

To make it to the top, you’ve got to put in the extra work where it counts: cruising in the men’s bathroom at airports, scrolling through Grindr during CPAC, and then turning around and voting against LGBTQ+ rights every chance you get. Do you have the chops to serve your conservative constituency? Take this quiz to find out if you can milk it all the way to the Capitol!

1. How strongly do you oppose gay marriage?
A) Americans should have the right to love, even if I don’t personally agree with it.

B) Gay marriage is an utter abomination. I’ve never thought about marrying the male legislative aide I secretly sleep with almost every weekend. Never!

2. What is the biggest issue our country is currently facing?
A) A weak economy. We are entering a recession and need stronger protections for everyday, hard-working Americans.

B) Drag queens are corrupting our children and ripping up the moral fabric of our Christian society! We need to ban drag brunches. They are more deadly than any gun ever created! Besides, most drag queens can’t even do their makeup as well as I can.

3. What are your preferred gender pronouns?
A) I’ve never really thought about this and honestly don’t care much, personally. I guess he? Is that a pronoun?

B) U/S/A

4. Do you have sex with men?
A) I do not have sex with men.

B) How dare you accuse me of such a heinous and ungodly act?! I will sue you for libel. You don’t have any proof. Everyone in my college fraternity signed an NDA.

Did you answer all A’s? Then you are not closeted enough to be a conservative Congressman. Sorry!

Did you answer with a mix of A’s and B’s? Hmm. You could perhaps succeed in the GOP, but there is still more work to be done if you want to be a party leader.

You selected all B’s. Wow, are you Lindsey Graham?