Nikki Haley Remains In Presidential Race, Endorses Trump

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

PORTSMOUTH, N.H. —  Presidential hopeful Nikki Haley says she is committed to remaining in the race for the 2024 Republican Presidential Nominee while also fully endorsing frontrunner Donald Trump, confirmed campaign officials.

“I’m going to stand and fight for the Republican Party and together we can take America in a new direction,” said Haley. “That’s why New Hampshire is so important. The voters here can make a difference and show the world they want an alternative. I’d also like to announce that I back Donald Trump and believe he is the right man for the job. He is the only one who can defeat Biden and the radical left. When you get to that ballot box make sure to vote Haley. But I’ll be voting for Trump.”

Independent New Hampshire voter Kevin Patterson admitted he was confused by Haley’s message.

“I think Trump is a danger to democracy and I’d love to see an alternative to him or Biden, but I’m not sure what she wants me to do here. My vote is sacred, and if I waste it now I’ll never be able to forgive myself. I could have the one vote that changes everything, like in that ‘Swing Vote’ with the guy from ‘Yellowstone,'” said Patterson from his Ford F-150. “It made sense when DeSantis endorsed Trump, that little weasel is spineless and wormy, but I expected more from Haley. It’s already tough for me to admit I’m voting for a woman, this might be the last time I ever do that.”

Former President Trump seemed to bask in his former rivals endorsing him.

“It’s sad, so sad, to see everyone groveling at my feet saying ‘Donny, I didn’t mean what I said, please select me for VP.’ I know what they are trying to do, I’m not dumb, I’ve read every word in every language. I’ve even made up a bunch of the best words that everyone still uses,” said Trump. “Everyone who uses words has me to thank for it. Believe me. I’ve also invented a new way to make soup. All the chefs in the world want to know how I do it, and when I’m president again I’ll finally tell them. I’m also going to deport anyone who didn’t vote for me.”

At press time, Haley was expected to be the keynote speaker at a Trump rally in Concord.

Music News: Billie Joe Armstrong on Being Called A “Bisexual Icon”

Posted on by Jake Skudder

Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day has always been a polarising figure amongst punk fans, but it’s his moniker as a “bisexual icon” that he has recently addressed.

Speaking to PEOPLE, he said, “I think it’s fucking cool that someone calls me a bisexual icon. I’ve seen that before. I’m like, ‘Fuck, yeah!'”

Armstrong also discusses sexuality back in the 90s, saying that today people tend to be a “lot more brave” than they were during the Gen X-led period: “Being a Gen X-er, I feel like there was a seed that got planted where it was the era in the 1990s that we came up, where men were discovering more of being with other men and being more bisexual, and coming out with that, whether it was someone like Kurt Cobain or what I was saying.

“It’s way more complex now, as far as sexuality. You’re like, ‘Wow, we’ve really come a long way.’ Even though it’s still kind of looked at as being taboo, I think people now are a lot more brave than they’ve ever been. I think people are way more open now.”

Music News: Billie Joe Armstrong on Bisexuality

The conversation with PEOPLE also shifted to Green Day’s new LP, Saviors, with the track ‘Bobby Sox’ having fluidity among gender and sexuality being at the forefront.

“It’s the ’90s song that we never wrote” Armstrong revealed. “It started out being a song I wrote for my wife but as it materialised, I wanted to switch it up and added, ‘Do you wanna be my boyfriend?’ on top of ‘Do you wanna be girlfriend’… So the song becomes a kind of universal anthem.”

Music News: Dead Kennedys Member Hit By a Car

Posted on by Jake Skudder

Dead Kennedys member East Bay Ray recently confirmed on Instagram that he had been run over whilst walking in the middle of a crosswalk.

The 65-year-old guitarist confirmed to followers: “A car hit me while I was in the middle of a crosswalk and slammed me into the road. I’m okay, emergency room did a CT scan and patched me up. Luckily, very luckily, no broken bones or brain hemorrhage.”

The Latest on East Bay Ray

Thankfully the Oakland, California legend appears to be alright following the hit, although the image he posted showed some of the damage that was caused during the incident:

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by East Bay Ray (@eastbayray1)

Music News: East Bay Ray Hit By Car

EBR still plays in Dead Kennedys and has been a member of the iconic band throughout the two stints that they have been active, being the only member to do so (Klaus Flouride was not active for just a little bit during the 2010s).

Ray brought a Surf influence to the sonic tone of the band, with his trademark reverb and twang helping to create the foundation for Jello Biafra’s incendiary vocals.

Our best wishes go out to Ray and hopefully, there are no further complications from this unfortunate incident.

Music News: Blink 182 Influenced Writing of New Alkaline Trio Album

Posted on by Jake Skudder

Iconic punk/somewhat emo band Alkaline Trio are set to release their latest album, ‘Blood, Hair And Eyeballs,’ and they revealed some of the major influences behind the sound of the new record.

Speaking to NME, Matt Skiba revealed how his work with Mark Hoppus and Travis Barker during his stint in Blink 182 changed how he wanted to approach writing the new LP.

“If we really wanted to accomplish something new, maybe we should try something we haven’t done in a long while,” Skiba revealed, which involved he and Dan Andriano dropping the work they had created separately to work on everything in the same space: “The whole idea of building a record from the ground up was a great deal of fun and very effective. When there’s three people doing it together, there’s an urgency and an inspiration that doesn’t really happen when you’re on your own,” he added, which is how the two Blink albums that Skiba was part of, 2016’s ‘California’ and 2019’s ‘Nine,’ were written.

Music News: Alkaline Trio’s New Album Influenced by Great Three-Piece Bands

It wasn’t just Blink that helped add to the sonic nature of the new work, as Andriano also revealed that he had been listening to some of the great three-piece acts of the past for inspiration: “There was a lot of me listening to some of my favourite bands of all time, asking how they achieved what they did,” said Andriano. “Everything The Police put out sounds so full,” with NME also adding that The Jimi Hendrix Experience and Nirvana were also vital influences to the new album.

Music News: Recording at Dave Grohl’s Studio

Speaking of Nirvana, the band recorded BH&E at Dave Grohl’s Studio 606, with Skiba elated at being able to use that iconic Neve console, saying there “isn’t a cooler place to work.”

“There isn’t a cooler place to work,” Skiba agreed. “The Neve console has been signed by Stevie Nicks, Paul McCartney and all these other heroes, so the history is right in front of you. We really took our time crafting this record” the Alkaline Trio singer added.

Alkaline Trio Blood, Hair and Eyeballs Video

You can check out the titular track from the new record below:

 

Conservative Dragula Upset Nobody Wants To Dig Through Ditches Anymore

Posted on by Greg Smith

LOS ANGELES — Dragula, the macabre drag racing car immortalized by musician Rob Zombie, believes today’s generation has become “soft,” exasperated sources confirm.

“Sure, call me the ‘c’ word,” said Dragula, referring to “conservative.” “But I had to dig my own way through the ditches. Nobody gave me a shovel as a handout. This snowflake generation doesn’t understand the value of hard work, they want the worm conquered on a silver platter for them. Do you think you’re entitled to a ‘Matrix’ needle drop? No, you’ve got to slam in the back like everyone else.

“And don’t get me started on burning through witches,” he continued, affecting a mocking tone. “I don’t want to trigger anyone for not referring to them as a ‘Pagan Sorceress’ or some crap like that.”

Dragula’s former colleague, Living Dead Girl, reports she fell out of contact with Dragula, and is “saddened but not surprised” to hear his views.

“I’m proud of the work we did,” said Living Dead Girl, who now runs a nonprofit for kitschy horror creations reacclimating to society. “But it was of a time and place. I was conceived as an irresistible wish-fulfillment fantasy of a man. I said that I ‘loved to love the wealth of an SS sex worker,’ and that I wanted to ‘r-word a geek.’ I said those things for shock, and I regret them. So I evolved. I know some people aren’t ready to forgive me, and I don’t blame them. I’ll continue to put in the work. Draggy can always reach out. The Creeper and I meet up once a month, and it’s really healthy.”

University of Southern California Musicology Professor Leah Morrison studies what happens to popular music characters as culture progresses, noting Dragula as a typical case.

“When you’re immortalized in music, it’s difficult to see a need to change,” said Morrison. “Desmond, from the Beatles’ ‘Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da,’ had trouble accepting that Molly no longer wanted to stay at home and apply makeup to her pretty face, that she wanted to be a working mom. They’re currently in counseling with the Ramones’ Psycho Therapist, though she doesn’t like being called that anymore.”

Dragula recently announced a “Cancelled Through The Ditches” Tour, where he and other controversial music figures like Antichrist Superstar perform. Tickets start at $666 per show.

Help! I Asked Amelia Bedelia to Be Our Bass Player and She Showed up With a Fish

Posted on by Tyler Driver

Ever since I was a little boy I’ve wanted to be the frontman of a world-famous group like The Beatles or Less Than Jake. Well after months of talking about it, I finally got the boys together and started our own band.

Problem is we don’t have a bass player yet. But after weeks of searching, someone named Amelia Bedelia finally responded to our Craigslist ad. She said she’d never been in a band before, but she’s a fast learner and has her own bass. Sounded good to me! I told her to come to my parent’s garage tonight to jam. My dream had finally begun in earnest.

But I’m really starting to question my decision, because earlier she walked in wearing a maid outfit, swinging around a giant fish like a pair of nunchucks.

Now don’t get me wrong, it was a beautiful catch. Maybe 14 pounds 4 ounces give or take. No discoloration on the scales. But I thought she was bringing a bass guitar, not a bass fish!

I figured no big deal, she could use my dad’s old Ibanez. Just a little miscommunication right? We’d look back fondly on these inauspicious beginnings when we’re touring the globe. I was just pumped to finally have a full band.

Regrettably in my excitement, I screamed “Let’s rock this place!”

That’s when Amelia started throwing rocks at me and my drummer. I don’t know why she had so many readily available, but she did. She pulled rock after rock out of that Mary Poppins bag of an apron. I don’t think she stopped because of our screams, only because she ran out of ammo.

Luckily we were mostly unscathed. The garage however was a wreck. Well, it was already a wreck, but more so now.

I asked Amelia to explain herself. She just stared at me glassy-eyed and replied “You said rock this place, so I did.”

It was clear to me now. Amelia was either a performance artist, or someone who means well but misinterprets basic instructions in a very literal sense. Or she might just be willfully ignorant. Either way, it’s obvious this isn’t going to work out. No Paul McCartney or Roger Lima is worth this hassle. I’m telling her to scram.

Oh God Amelia’s walking over. What’s she holding? Is that a tray of cookies? They smell heavenly. Are these butterscotch? My word, they’re delicious!

You know what, forget everything I said. Anyone who can bake like this is in the band. Amelia rocks!

Modern Drummer Magazine Announces Trump Will be Ineligible for “Best Roots/Reggae Percussion” in 2024

Posted on by Tom K

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — The ongoing legal battles that are plaguing Donald Trump’s 2024 presidential prospects continue with last night’s announcement disqualifying him from contention for Modern Drummer’s upcoming Reader’s Poll.

“In light of recent news, we have decided to remove Donald Trump from the ballot in all drum performance categories for which he was nominated this year. As a special interest drumming periodical, we have always prioritized our thorough coverage of drummers, drumming, and article 3 of the 14th Amendment to the US Constitution,” said publisher/CEO David Frangioni during his official statement. “To be honest, that third part hasn’t really come up much until now. But after Trump’s landslide Iowa win, there is a growing concern among our editors that we have not used our platform to its greatest extent. Hear us now: as long as Donald Trump is on trial for insurrection against our great country he will never receive a commemorative plaque from us celebrating his contributions to ska, dancehall, reggaeton or any other Jamaican-indigenous art form.”

As expected, the removal has not been taken lightly by Trump’s most fervent supporters in the drumming community.

“This witchhunt is a baseless, reactionary assault on a man who has done nothing but good things for the reggae community and drummers across the globe,” said John Dolmayan, System of a Down drummer and, thus far, only member of The Nu-Metal Conservatives Coalition. “Before today I hadn’t even really considered him a musician. But this announcement got me thinking and now I haven’t been able to sleep because of how belligerently passionate I am about how good Trump’s one-drop feel must be.”

Others, such as former Pitchfork editor-in-chief, now GQ custodial associate Puja Patel are less concerned with the shake-up.

“Do we think this really matters? Do we think the Don-ja even stood a chance in what has been the strongest era for reggae percussion since the early ‘70s? I mean look who’s out there this year: Keneil Delisser, Wes Finley, Tommy ‘Stroke’ Dread, Byrd from SOJA, the list goes on and on,” said Patel. “With so many better-qualified candidates, who the hell is voting for Trump anyway? I haven’t seen this much performative posturing since Maxim pretended to listen to that Black Crowes album.”

Despite the controversy, Modern Drummer acknowledges no indication of reversing their decision, leaving the door wide open for new, hastily-formed rasta-publican outfit Ron DeSantis and the Heilers.

Heartwarming: Republican Donors Raised $300 Million to Help This Man Satisfy His Humiliation Kink

Posted on by Matt Husser

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has always dedicated his life to two things: public service, and public humiliation. Even as he worked tirelessly to help the people of Florida address their everyday problems, like woke cartoons, he always managed to find time to embarrass himself. But underneath it all, there was an ambition to reach higher office and levels of humiliation that always just seemed out of his reach. So when he announced his intentions to finally get off by embarrassing himself nationally, the kinksters of the Republican Party knew they had to step up.

“Poor Ron was grimacing through speeches, clearly all backed up with jizz and unable to get embarrassed enough to climax — we could see this poor man was suffering,” said Republican mega-donor Clint Washburn. “I knew I had to return the favor after everything Ron did for me by fighting up against the woke left who believe in education and social programs, so I did the Christian thing and opened up my checkbook to help him reach a national stage and deliver that man a violent orgasm so fierce it’d leave him quaking in those slutty little heels of his.”

With hundreds of millions pouring in from Republican donors, DeSantis’ long road to the ultimate humiliation began. First it started with small gaffes, with meet and greets that went so poorly you could scarcely believe he had talked to a human before. And who can forget his disastrous campaign announcement with Elon Musk? That embarrassment must have given DeSantis a boner hard enough to ring the Liberty Bell. Then his dedicated staffers added fuel to the fire by revealing he ate pudding with his fingers. And when he needed it most, even his most bitter Republican rival, Donald Trump, graciously stepped in to humiliate ‘Meatball Ron’ to new heights.

But after a far-too-respectable second-place showing in Iowa on Monday, DeSantis knew that he’d have to do something bold to ensure he’d get the humiliation he so deeply craved before the New Hampshire primary. That’s when he prayed, consulted with his advisors and family, and knew he was ready for his final humiliation.

“Wonny has been a bad, bad boy,” said DeSantis, in his speech to the nation announcing he’d be suspending his campaign. “I sure hope a big, strong Republican nominee doesn’t see this speech and make me publicly announce my support for him.”

And with that, DeSantis’ long road to his humiliating climax was finally complete. But even as he returns to Florida with his tail between his legs, we’ll never forget the surprising generosity of Republican donors to help one downtrodden man finally achieve the ultimate ecstasy of defeat.

Bartender Dumps Full Beer Onto Floor Every 15 Minutes At Dive Bar To Keep Ambiance

Posted on by Brisa Sylvestre

MANCHESTER, N.H. — The Foxhole Saloon, bartender Mickey Stevens reportedly maintains the trashy ambiance of the bar by dumping a beer on the floor every fifteen minutes, according to several grateful sources.

“Like clockwork, I fill up a draft beer, yell ‘make a hole!’ to alert bar patrons I’m about to dump this sucker straight onto the floor. This lets our guests know this isn’t some swanky establishment for the King of England, this is for hard-working, blue-collar folk who prefer drinking in squalor,” said Stevens as he took a sip of a draft pilsner before emptying it onto the ground. “The ABV level has to be at least 4.8% and every fifteen minutes is really the sweet spot, anything longer and it starts to smell like a bar that accepts credit cards. The smell also lets customers know what the fuck we’re about the second they walk in the place and wards off any unwanted high-maintenance clientele which is just an added perk.”

Local bar regular, Johnny Fitz, was seen clearing people out of a two-by-two-foot area in the bar in preparation for the next beer dump before making a statement.

“I like to think I’m like the bouncer of the whole operation, I clear people out of the beer zone,” said Fitz who clearly gave himself the role and whose bar stool seemed permanently glued to the floor due to some type of draught adhesive that formed from spilled beer. “Mickey knows how to keep the bar homey. I don’t feel obligated to spill my own beer to keep the place how I like it. Not many bartenders take the time to craft an atmosphere like Mickey does.”

Foxhole Saloon owner, Barb Foster, weighed in on the unique process that keeps her dive bar the absolute diviest in a 500-mile radius.

“We’ve been dumping beers on the floor here to retain an authentic vibe for the last thirty years. Every beer poured is carefully selected by our bartender. It’s an art form really,” said Foster. “We then leave it on the floor for the beer to ferment indefinitely which gives our bar its special musty aroma that you only smell in an absolute shithole in the wall. I’m proud the first thing customers smell when they walk is decades of stale hops, bad decisions, and possible mildew. I want their shoes to stick to the floor which also helps with customer retention.”

At press time, the bartender was seen mopping beer into the carpet as an extra precaution.

There Is No Way I’m Pooping In This Weather (Guest Column By Your Dog)

Posted on by Matt McInerney

This is a joke, right? I’m not going out there! The air is literally attacking the ground right now, and you expect me to do the most vulnerable thing a dog can do? You can’t even watch my back when the grass is a mere whisper. How deeply must my squatting gaze pierce your soul to earn some protection? No matter what I do, your eyes are glued to that goddamn glow box. We’d be toast if a beast were lurking in the shadows. Or worse, a human doing something loud.

You’re still getting the drag-you straps, aren’t you? Let me be crystal clear: I am NOT doing my business while the heavens and earth are at war. If you dare tug me into this unfathomable turmoil, I will snap into my abused dog act faster than you can scream ‘humane society.’ By the way, nice paw protectors you’ve got. I noticed I’m not afforded quite the same accommodation despite the fact I’m literally five seconds away from frostbite.

And while we’re at it, not all of us have the luxury of swapping our coat for a dry one as soon as we step inside. The rest of us get the ‘dog towel,’ a.k.a. the basement’s finest dirt rag. How thoughtful. God forbid the little head fur you have gets wet. I’m exiled outside the splash room, watching you battle with the scream blower. Remember the time you aimed that thing at me? I still have nightmares. Try it again, and I’ll bite that hot wind to death.

Here’s the thing I don’t think you seem to understand: it’s cozy in here, and it’s cold out there. You realize this, correct? Oh, I see, you think I can’t hold it? Weird how suddenly you’re so concerned about this. Where was this concern last Saturday when you were dead to the world until noon? Did your evening of screaming obscenities at the larger downstairs glow box tucker you out? My gentle pawing at your face meant nothing then, it seems.

So no, I am not pooping in this weather. You can call me when the outside won’t make me smell like a damp basement for a week. But until then, I’d appreciate it if you could set up the pillows the way I like, with the fuzzy blanket on top. And scratch my belly, just… like… that. Yep, that’s it.