FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — The ongoing legal battles that are plaguing Donald Trump’s 2024 presidential prospects continue with last night’s announcement disqualifying him from contention for Modern Drummer’s upcoming Reader’s Poll.
“In light of recent news, we have decided to remove Donald Trump from the ballot in all drum performance categories for which he was nominated this year. As a special interest drumming periodical, we have always prioritized our thorough coverage of drummers, drumming, and article 3 of the 14th Amendment to the US Constitution,” said publisher/CEO David Frangioni during his official statement. “To be honest, that third part hasn’t really come up much until now. But after Trump’s landslide Iowa win, there is a growing concern among our editors that we have not used our platform to its greatest extent. Hear us now: as long as Donald Trump is on trial for insurrection against our great country he will never receive a commemorative plaque from us celebrating his contributions to ska, dancehall, reggaeton or any other Jamaican-indigenous art form.”
As expected, the removal has not been taken lightly by Trump’s most fervent supporters in the drumming community.
“This witchhunt is a baseless, reactionary assault on a man who has done nothing but good things for the reggae community and drummers across the globe,” said John Dolmayan, System of a Down drummer and, thus far, only member of The Nu-Metal Conservatives Coalition. “Before today I hadn’t even really considered him a musician. But this announcement got me thinking and now I haven’t been able to sleep because of how belligerently passionate I am about how good Trump’s one-drop feel must be.”
Others, such as former Pitchfork editor-in-chief, now GQ custodial associate Puja Patel are less concerned with the shake-up.
“Do we think this really matters? Do we think the Don-ja even stood a chance in what has been the strongest era for reggae percussion since the early ‘70s? I mean look who’s out there this year: Keneil Delisser, Wes Finley, Tommy ‘Stroke’ Dread, Byrd from SOJA, the list goes on and on,” said Patel. “With so many better-qualified candidates, who the hell is voting for Trump anyway? I haven’t seen this much performative posturing since Maxim pretended to listen to that Black Crowes album.”
Despite the controversy, Modern Drummer acknowledges no indication of reversing their decision, leaving the door wide open for new, hastily-formed rasta-publican outfit Ron DeSantis and the Heilers.