Much like vitamins and other supplements that you don’t take or keep track of in your diet, new music is essential for your health. We’re no doctors here, but we do care about your well-being, so without further adieu, here’s a prescription for a handful of newer jams and a few classics. Take at least two of these and call us in the morning. With any luck, they should help improve your alarming complexion and low energy levels.
Feeble Little Horse “Steamroller”
More like ‘Fuckin’ Huge Guitars’ amiright? All jokes aside, we hope you’ve been studying for your finals, because this excellent single from Pittsburgh’s Feeble Little Horse is sure to transport you directly to a college dorm room circa 1991. This quartet’s sound is hard to define, but if you’ve ever hoped for a version of My Bloody Valentine with coherent and audible vocals, your wish has been thoroughly granted on this track. Like its title suggests, ‘Steamroller’ will flatten you emotionally, but it should still have you eager to saddle up once their new album ‘Girl With Fish’ trots by in June.
The Hives “Bogus Operandi”
In case you missed it, the Hives are back and they are clearly not fucking around. This absolute ripper of a lead single is their first new song in over a decade. Your first listen is almost certain to get you so excited that you’ll break out in some sort of unidentifiable rash. ‘Bogus Operandi’ has everything you would want from a Certified Hives Hit™ and absolutely nothing more (that’s a good thing). Their upcoming album, ‘The Death of Randy Fitzsimmons’ promises more of the same, so grab your tightest suit and your skinniest tie and smash that goddamned play button. Just try not to break your phone screen again.
Queens of the Stone Age “Do It Again”
You’ve been good so far, so you deserve an older track as a treat. We’ve heard that the new QOTSA single is excellent. We’re afraid that it might suck, though, so we’ve been putting off listening to it. We’re right to be suspicious considering their forthcoming new album is titled ‘In Times New Roman’ which… ugh. Anyway, while attempting to work up the courage to play their new song, ‘Emotion Sickness’ (also ugh), we decided to just revisit their album ‘Songs for the Deaf’ for the entire day instead. It’s a good thing we did, too, because we almost forgot how fucking sick all the little unison guitar bends are in ‘Do It Again.’
Killer Mike “Don’t Let the Devil [feat. thankugoodsir]”
Having spent over a decade co-fronting the massively successful rap duo Run The Jewels, Atlanta rapper/activist/hero Killer Mike, has decided to branch off on his own for the first time since 2012’s ‘R.A.P Music.’ His forthcoming album, ‘MICHAEL,’ promises a somewhat radical departure from the signature RTJ sound, but the El-P produced single, ‘Don’t Let the Devil,’ should provide the perfect bridge to allow you to feel like you aren’t listening to something entirely new. If you happen to be one of the few people that finds RTJ corny, skip this one and play ‘MOTHERLESS’ instead.
Superviolet “Infinite Spring”
Superviolet comes to us three years after Steve Colicek’s excellent indie-punk band, the Sidekicks, called it quits. This project exudes a quieter side of the songwriter while paying homage to some of his earthier influences. With Colicek’s dazzling voice firmly featured, these new sounds are given the space to breathe without sacrificing the intensity fans have come to know and love from the Columbus, Ohio musician. The title track from his solo moniker’s debut album, ‘Infinite Spring’, will have you feeling things you haven’t felt in years while briefly wondering if it’s time to quit that hardcore band you’ve been in for far too long.
Jenny Lewis “Giddy Up”
Jenny Lewis has often flirted with Country-Pop throughout her long and storied career as both a solo artist and frontwoman of legendary indie-rock group, Rilo Kiley. While she never quite went whole-hog on the genre, everything we’ve heard so far from her upcoming full-length, ‘Joy’all’, suggests that she is getting closer to sealing the deal. ‘Giddy Up’ takes Lewis’s trademark Americana-esque sound and sends it into outer space. You’d be forgiven for thinking the song’s producer, Dave Cobb, was tasked with creating a soundtrack to a Western-themed version of Star Wars. Also, whoever is in charge of Star Wars now, please get in touch with us because we’re pretty sure we just inadvertently drafted your next mini-series.
Oasis “Don’t Look Back in Anger”
Time for another tried and true hit. Earlier this week, one of our editors went into his office, gently closed the door, and then proceeded to absolutely blare this song for three hours straight. We were too afraid to ask him what was wrong. When he finally re-emerged all disheveled and puffy-eyed, though, he claimed it was just allergies. Whatever actual strife caused this deeply troubling moment in our work week is irrelevant. Oasis rules, and every single one of your friends that pretend to hate them secretly listens to their unimpeachable album, ‘(What’s the Story) Morning Glory,’ at least three times a week. We commend our very sad colleague for reminding us of this indisputable fact.
Bully “Hard to Love”
Nostalgia comes for us all, so don’t worry about feeling lame when you inevitably get this song’s excellent chorus stuck in your head for the next few days. Serving as the third single from Bully’s upcoming release, ‘Lucky For You,’ ‘Hard to Love’ finds songwriter Alicia Bognanno trading in Bully’s rougher grunge edges for sleeker 90’s alt-pop sounds. That’s not to say the edged bite of the project’s sound is missing, but rather that it’s more refined and laser-focused. Much like how you would erroneously describe your music taste over the past few years.
Did we miss something? Well, no shit we did. There are like… a million songs released per day now. Give us a goddamn break but be sure to complain about our unforgivable omissions in the comments section. We’ll be sure to pretend to think about listening to them at some point.
These don’t count as Weezer albums, and we are eternally grateful for that. Still, it’s important to acknowledge that they exist so listeners understand just how much content Weezer churns out. Rivers Cuomo made an EP for each of the four seasons and still plans to make more Weezer albums soon. He recorded “Christmas With Weezer” and yet he felt the need to record another wintery release with “SZNZ: Winter” over a decade later. “Ride or die” Weezer fans are brave as hell for committing to such a long and inconsistent ride.
As the proverbial Yin to the excellent White Album’s Yang, we should’ve known this would suck long before the first single dropped. Maybe it would’ve been better if Weezer delayed the album to improve it instead of using their extra time to go on side quests like “Africa” and that tour with The Pixies. It’s almost poetic how these 10 mediocre tracks balance out the band’s better work.
Much like the toxic cycle of giving a mouse a cookie, you can’t ask Weezer to cover “Africa” without Rivers rushing into the studio to record several other tracks that nobody asked for. This sounds more like Weezer going to karaoke night than Weezer going into the studio to make music. We respect their commitment to getting their money’s worth for that party room reservation, but it didn’t need to be an album.
Nothing sets this apart from other Weezer albums beyond “Lost” star Jorge Garcia’s smiling face on the cover. “Memories” rules yet somehow the “Jackass 3D” credits version hits harder. The album’s lows aren’t terrible but the highs aren’t anything to write home about. Worst of all, it made us rewatch “Lost” and get pissed at the ending all over again.
Letting people who are not Rivers Cuomo sing in Weezer seemed like a fun concept in theory. Unfortunately, one of those people was Scott Shriner, a bassist. That isn’t this album’s worst offense — it also helped Weezer win a Grammy. Every time someone refers to Weezer as a Grammy-winning band, they perpetuate falsehoods about this album being good.
Weezer doesn’t have a good track record with black albums. This one has an uncomfortable song about wanting to comfort an ex-girlfriend after her new partner’s death and a rejected “Shrek 2” track, yet it’s still the lesser of two evils in retrospect. It’s got all the secondhand embarrassment of “Pinkerton” without as many redeeming qualities. When one such quality is a soulless jock jam about Beverly Hills, fans have the right to worry.
Music doesn’t have to be great to be enjoyable. Sometimes all you need is Lil Wayne saying “Okay bitch, it’s Weezer and it’s Weezy” and a photo of a dog having the time of his life. However, said dog never listened to “Raditude” so take his endorsement with a grain of salt. Most human Weezer fans don’t have that much unconditional love, even for Weezer.
This is definitely a Weezer album that came out in 2017. It tries to ride the high of the White album, and fans of that one will probably like this one too. However, naming songs “Feels Like Summer” and “Beach Boys” doesn’t automatically make them the songs of the summer. The production doesn’t save the album from being compressed into generic power pop. Thankfully, Weezer’s generic power pop shines bright enough for us to forgive that.
Weezer tried to establish themselves as serious rock musicians during this album’s recording sessions by leaking singles to radio stations without label approval. This angered their label, who demanded an apology, but Weezer never complied because they have no shame. That shamelessness only becomes more obvious with each repetitive riff and desperate attempt to maintain relevancy, culminating in a disastrous “Muppet Show” appearance where Miss Piggy kidnaps and tortures drummer Pat Wilson. True rock stars don’t lose fights to puppets.
Weezer’s second self-titled album made us realize they were really committed to the monochrome self-titled album bit, though not as dedicated to making great songs or consistent albums. This one has “Hash Pipe” and “Island In The Sun” so we can’t complain too much. Say what you will about the formulaic B-side but Weezer still isn’t the worst band to write a song called “Photograph” in the early aughts.
Ever wondered what an orchestral pop Weezer album would sound like? The result is surprisingly decent when Rivers isn’t going off about how technology is bad. We just wish the band started playing with an orchestra sooner. It would do wonders for a potential Broadway residency if enough New Yorkers realized that even a bad Weezer performance is leagues above the average “Cats” matinee.
Without sounding like Matt Damon in that infamous SNL skit, Van Weezer is unironically one of the band’s best works. It’s not the misguided glam rock tribute band at your least favorite bar — it’s a stadium-worthy homage to Van Halen that remains unapologetically Weezy. Even the goofy “Crazy Train” sample goes hard. Call this album a guilty pleasure all you want, but don’t deny its ridiculous joy.
Originally titled “Sorry about the late aughts,” this “Raditude” apology proves that Weezer can indeed stop partying and make good music if they put their minds to it. They even include some lengthy guitar solos for those who want to listen to Weezer without memorizing so many cringeworthy lyrics. While it’s unclear when Weezer’s discography will ever come to an end, these songs prove that might not be a bad thing.
Artists have tried and failed to write songs about California since the beginning of time, yet Weezer accomplished this daunting task by releasing a consistently gorgeous album about the Golden State. Warm, summery, and surprisingly romantic, it’s possibly the only Weezer album that you can play on a date without making things weird. The Red Hot Chili Peppers wish they made this masterpiece.
When this album came out, everyone generally agreed it was the second-best Weezer album. That’s still true but now people say that as a compliment. Even those who criticize this record for objectifying women or inspiring a generation of emo bands prefer it over any post-Y2K Weezer release. Music that makes us feel gross is still more interesting than music that makes us feel nothing.
Even if Weezer were a consistent band with 15 good albums, this would remain their magnum opus. Weezer lovers and haters alike can’t resist the urge to sing along to “Buddy Holly” and “Say It Ain’t So” — though to be fair, the Venn diagram between those two groups is a circle. It’s the one truly perfect Weezer album. Good luck trying to convince any record store clerk otherwise. The last guy we sent is still missing.
A classic in the burger and fast food world. These White Castle sliders pack quite a punch and straddle the line between fake meat and animal meat, a perfect option for those trying to give meat-based burgers a shot.
We’re putting this on here not necessarily as a recommendation but more as a reminder that turkey burgers are a product that exists. It’s more important to say that you like turkey burgers around people who saw you when you used to be fat.
The ground beef burger is the Big Daddy and the most commonly found meat-based Impossible Burger imitator. It has all of the Impossible Burger taste without any of the smugness of eating a meatless product. Ground beef is also an essential aspect of an all-meat diet and is the building block of all nutrition and health.
You will start documenting your all-meat diet on social media. You will go instantly viral and land yourself as a guest on the Joe Rogan Experience. You and Joe will really hit it off and he’ll grill you up some elk burgers while you and Ted Nugent play some blues riffs together in the garage.
Now this is one of the most satisfying burgers of them all. After your Rogan appearance, you will be more powerful than ever and will be able to order the deaths and patty-forming procedure of anyone who has ever wronged you.
She’s a woman.
No one correct him until papers have been signed.
“What’s the point?”
Martian Twitter users will still have to forfeit a portion of their water rations to retain blue checkmarks.
“She can just say stuff like ‘Hey Tracey, remember your Halloween novelty song?’ and then suddenly we all see Tracey Jordan as a werewolf singing about Jewsish kids. That’s what leadership looks like.”
“I would never appoint someone who didn’t have the erosion of media as we know it at the top of their agenda.”
The former CEO candidate is still available for pre-order.
“He’s dumb and low status, but he’s sort of the heart of the operation over there.”
“Always check your spam folder, you never know what opportunities could be hiding in there.”
Again, until the ink is dry, everyone keep your mouths shut.
“A little tactful cropping and it’s your meme now!”
People need to see the funny side of white Christian nationalism.
It was more step-effective to just fire Justin
It’s the only way to make sure they’re legit.
“A bucket of clams would actually be a terrible choice, because it does not have the skill set or thumb dexterity required to lead a major tech company, so you should be laughing.”
“You think being in a wheelchair is hard, try being rich with self-diagnosed Asperger’s!”
“Let that ‘sink in’”
“Until then, the robots will just have to keep having my back.”
It’s been over a decade, why are you still using this?
Fans of “Hot Fuss” should at least check out this compilation for “Leave The Bourbon On The Shelf,” a groovy murder ballad that hits differently when we remember Brandon Flowers is a practicing Mormon. It’s wild enough that he doesn’t leave soda out either. We still can’t believe this isn’t officially an album considering how badly we want to call it top 3 material, but The Hard Times doesn’t bend rules like Brandon does with his beverages.
There’s a good reason this album has a regular version and an abridged version — it’s too goddamn long. Maybe it wouldn’t suffer from that problem if Brandon Flowers spent less time singing about Vegas in the band’s early days and owned up to his Utah roots. If we wanted to hear spoken-word interludes about life in a miserable town, we would lurk outside the county courthouse. The gossip over there is way more interesting.
“Wonderful” is a strong word for this album. Worse music exists, but so do better Killers albums. And as much as we liked this album when it came out, it was their first new release in five years. We were desperate. The singles were exciting at the time but the album itself has a lot of filler. Besides, we’ve heard “The Man” too many times to enjoy it anymore. Not every movie trailer needed that single, especially not the one for that Dick Cheney biopic with Christian Bale.
Contrary to its title, this is not a good album for battle. Ever tried to throw punches to the beat of “The Way It Was?” Your opponent will overpower you and your body will never be the way it was before. Nevertheless, it’s still a fine collection of songs if you’re taking a late-night drive through the desert or trying to own every Killers album ever made. It works very well for either of those purposes.
The Killers tried to start years of existentialist debate by raising the question of whether we’re human or dancer, but you’ll probably be more dancer by the end of this poppy third album. It’s a fun listen the entire way through, even when a few of us allegedly cried to “A Dustland Fairytale.” There’s also a B-side called “Neon Tiger” which is quite literally about a tiger. If that doesn’t sell this album to you, we’re not sure what will.
The Killers were very brave to record music in Utah after making Vegas their defining personality trait for a decade and a half. Luckily, that creative risk paid off with this work of art. The hooks are so grandiose and dazzling that we can almost forgive the band for not coming clean about the whole Utah thing sooner. We’d even let them make music in Idaho if the final product reached this album’s heights.
By far the best new wave album to come out in the early aughts, The Killers earned their name with this debut. It’s so good that Brandon Flowers confessed to murder on the opening track and nobody bothered to question him about it. We should have known something was afoot when he said “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier.” The Killers may not sing about killing as much these days but they have to keep the feds off their trail somehow.
Forget “Mr. Brightside,” this is The Killers’ true magnum opus. Even though it’s another album about Vegas, the switch from new wave to Americana influences makes Sin City feel like an entirely new world. It’s also a great concept album thanks to the “Enterlude” and “Exitlude” bookends. Critics who panned this when it first came out should lose sleep thinking about how wrong they were.