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Tech-Bro at Oakland Punk Show Puts Patches on Patagonia Vest

OAKLAND, Calif. — Senior Software Engineer Taylor Masters added multiple patches to his Patagonia vest in hopes of blending in at a DIY punk show in The Bottoms neighborhood, confirmed multiple sources who saw Masters drive up in a Tesla.

“I’ve loved punk rock ever since I went to Warped Tour 2014 and saw Mayday Parade rock so hard that I knew I had to be a part of this lifestyle,” said Masters while wiping dust off a fresh pair of Jordans. “I know this scene can be pretty exclusive so I bought some distressed jeans that only cost $250 and a bunch of cool patches that I can iron onto my favorite vest. I feel like a member of The Offspring or something right now, I can’t wait to hop in the mosh pit and let loose. I just wish people would stop spitting on me when they walked by.”

Local punk Gil Carrera was one of the few people in attendance that wasn’t completely turned off by Masters being at the show.

“If this guy wants to come to this part of town and check out some of the best bands in the area then I welcome him. But also, I bet that dude has a laptop and some cash sitting in that car of his, so as soon as he’s not paying attention I’m going to help myself,” said Carrera. “I sort of feel bad for him, he is trying to be social, but he keeps saying ‘What up punker?’ to anyone that gets close to him. And any time he tries to kill time on his phone someone knocks it out of his hands. But hey, he will be fine.”

Tech companies around the Bay Area say they need to constantly warn their employees about “blending in with the locals.”

“A lot of people that work in tech firmly believe they are ‘cool.’ Which is pretty sad, but this means they end up putting themselves in precarious situations because they have no idea everyone fucking hates them,” said Salesforce HR rep Max Insley. “I have a list of ‘tech-friendly’ tattoo studios that won’t charge our employees $40k for a sleeve and hide a bunch of dick and balls in the tattoo. We even paid off management at most dive bars in the area to not beat the shit out of our employees who want to experience ‘the grit of the city’ after a long day of coding.”

Masters was last seen approaching a group of men under a broken streetlight who he mistakenly thought were holding an impromptu rap battle.