Donald Trump Replaces Medal of Honor With a Piece of the Aggro Crag From Nickelodeon’s “Guts”

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump made the decision to replace the country’s highest military decoration for valor in action with the grand prize from ‘90s Nickelodeon action show “Guts,” visibly disgusted sources report.

“The Medal of Honor was old, boring, outdated,” said President Trump. “I had men coming up to me, big men, coming up to me with tears in their eyes. You wouldn’t believe how big these men were. They said ‘Mr. President, can we replace the Medal of Honor with something better?’ And these men fought so hard, so hard. You know you can’t even say that about our great military anymore? ‘These men.’ No, you have to say ‘these people’ now because of the Radical Left. Just look at what they’ve done to our great country. It’s a disgrace, but we’re fixing that now. Going forward, our brave fighting men will have the honor of owning one of these, but only if they have the guts. D-d-d-do you have it?”

Past Medal of Honor recipient Reginald Cooper was none too pleased with the idea.

“I’m just glad I’ve already been awarded the actual Medal of Honor so I don’t have to take home one of those godawful things,” Cooper said. “I was recognized in 1968 for rescuing several men and risking my life to get more ammunition during an attack on one of our air bases during the Tet Offensive. Honestly, if I had known such gallantry would be rewarded with a garish, oversized rock that’s the color of neon-infused snot, I might not have behaved so selflessly. I certainly hope this doesn’t act as a deterrent for any potential heroes going forward.”

Historian June Martinez provided her expertise on the matter.

“This is just another example of Donald Trump tarnishing our nation’s storied history,” Martinez commented. “At this point, rationally minded Americans are completely numb to it. Whether he’s using meme coin with the potential for foreign oligarchs to secretly send him money in exchange for favors or ordering investigations into officials from his first term just because they said the 2020 election wasn’t stolen, Trump’s routine actions each day would be swift term enders for anybody else. Honestly, this stupid ‘Guts’ trophy is the most benign thing he’s done this week.”

At press time, Trump decided to present the first Aggro Crag piece to the guy who had taken a shit on Nancy Pelosi’s desk on January 6th.

What Are the Chances? Every Single One of This Man’s Ex-Girlfriends Was Bipolar

Posted on by Dom Turek

A recent study revealed that only five percent of U.S. adults suffer from a mood disorder, but James Young, a local martyr, claims every single one of his ex-girlfriends was either borderline, bipolar, or, in his words, “a complete psycho bitch.” How can one man be so unlucky?

Despite the fact that none of Young’s girlfriends were professionally diagnosed with a mental illness, he felt he had acquired enough knowledge in his high school psychology class to speak definitively on the matter. Not diagnosing people simply because you didn’t go to a fancy medical school is irresponsible, lazy, and some might even say classist. After all, the only real difference between a doctor and a layman is a good old-fashioned get’er-done attitude.

The quicker you diagnose your girlfriend with something, the faster you can use that psychiatric diagnosis to debunk your girlfriend’s flimsy arguments about you being a “manipulative psychopath” and “covert narcissist.” Some women will argue that their wildly fluctuating temperament is a reaction to being “treated poorly” and “constantly lied to,” but don’t take their word for it. These are merely the incoherent ramblings of a schizophrenic bag lady.

Debra is the latest in Young’s unending stream of criminally insane exes. Their once fairytale romance has been turned into a living hellscape because of her disease, leaving Young to wonder what he must have done in a previous life to deserve such a lousy hand. Just last week, Young’s girlfriend suffered a complete mental breakdown, screaming, crying, and threatening to throw all his belongings into the nearest trash fire. If this is her reaction to finding out he downloaded tinder when she left town for her mothers funeral, you can only imagine the unhinged reaction she’ll have after finding out he fucked the neighbor.

The sad truth is that mental conditions of this severity are usually only treatable with medication. However, miracles do happen. Through the process of divine intervention or some other type of godsend, it seems that all seven of Young’s ex-girlfriends experienced immediate relief from their psychiatric problems shortly after breaking up with him, and began to thrive.

Sweetwater Rep Attends Funeral For Man Who Bought Overdrive Pedal in 2008

Posted on by Tim Graham

GLENS FALLS, N.Y. — A salesman for music gear retailer Sweetwater appeared at the funeral for Richie Andrews, a customer who purchased an overdrive pedal from him 17 years ago, according to cemetery staff.

“Anyone who has ordered even the smallest item from Sweetwater knows that our dedication to customer service is unrivaled,” said Sweetwater’s Gary Jacoby while helping another customer move. “Richie and I first got acquainted when he ordered an Ibanez Tube Screamer from me years back. Since then, I kept close tabs on him, just like I do with all of my customers. I was actually at Richie’s wedding—posing as a caterer. I always try to be nearby in case my customers need any patch cables or strings or anything. People accuse Sweetwater of stalkerish behavior, but that’s not stalking, it’s just good customer service.”

Andrews’ widow Meghan says she had no idea what Sweetwater is or why Jacoby was at her husband’s funeral.

“It soon became clear he didn’t know anyone,” said Ms. Andrews of the salesman. “But the fact that he was a stranger there didn’t seem to bother him. He made the rounds, offering condolences and handing out candy. He struck up a conversation about music with my cousin and wound up selling him a bass. Then a few days later, Gary showed up at my house with a casserole and we had a very nice conversation. What a good listener he is! Later, we ended up watching some movies together on the couch. It turns out he loves romantic comedies—I could never get Richie to watch romcoms with me.”

Marketing consultant Ed Ormond says good client relations are key to making an impression in today’s business landscape.

“Being aggressively kind and creepily attentive is what makes Sweetwater stand out in terms of customer service,” explained Ormond. “Conversely, Comcast has made being abusive and cruel their signature strategy. They’re able to get away with masochistic treatment since they’re a monopoly in most markets they operate in. They eventually provoke a Stockholm Syndrome-like relationship with their customers who in time grow to love their oppressor. And then there’s Home Depot, which trains their employees to act like they can neither see nor hear their shoppers. It works for them apparently.”

At press time, Jacoby reportedly moved in with the widow Andrews, and her child had already begun calling him dad.

Trump Orders Raid of Wendy’s Dreams and Visions in Retaliation for Bruce Springsteen’s Rant

Posted on by Dan Rice

LONG BRANCH, N.J. — President Trump ordered a federal raid of the dreams and visions of Wendy, the female character from “Born to Run,” in an act of retribution against Bruce Springsteen for his anti-Trump tirade at a U.K. show going viral, sources confirmed.

“Springsteen stepped out over the line, and it’s time to show him who the real boss is! He’s washed up anyway, lots of people say I’m a better songwriter. People have been saying that for a long time. Plus, New Jersey smells bad, a real shit hole,” said an unhinged Trump defending the raid this morning. “An attack on me is an attack on this country. Anyone caught sweating it out on the streets of a runaway American dream will be detained, questioned, and prosecuted to the full extent of the law! I heard this Wendy is a real Tramp, Bruce even says so. I bet she’s been around the block more than a few times. You know what I call that? I call that damaged goods. She can wrap her legs ‘round his velvet rims and strap her arms ‘round his engine all she wants, we will find her!”

Wendy expressed both outrage and confusion at the government’s attempts to access her dreams and visions.

“First a bunch of masked goons storm into my house and turn the place out, then they tell me they have a warrant to raid my dreams and visions, but it looked like they had just scribbled on the back of a Jersey Mike’s wrapper,” said Wendy. “They didn’t seem to know what they were doing and certainly didn’t know how to get access to my dreams. At one point they plugged a vacuum cleaner into an iPad and sort of just sucked my ear with it for a while, I’m not sure what they were expecting to happen but they looked disappointed so they just smashed some more of my shit and left.”

The raid efforts have only provoked further criticism from Springsteen.

“This is happening now. Federal agents are storming bold and stark amusement parks, sending hemi-powered drones from beyond the palace, huddling U.S.-born children up on the beach in the mist, all for speaking dissent. This is happening in America right now!” said Springsteen. “I was born down in a dead man’s town, and right now we all feel like dogs that have been beat too much. But we can come together and beat this. You can’t start a fire without a spark.”

According to FBI director Kash Patel, raid efforts have been hampered due to highways being jammed with broken heroes on a last-chance power drive.

Polyamorous Couple Rearranges Funko Pop Collection to Impress New Third

Posted on by Tim Sheard

SANTA CLARITA, Calif. — Noted polyamorous couple Zheff Macguire and Morgy Clementine were spotted frantically rearranging their Funko Pop collection ahead of their visiting third, Shan “Buttercup” Vidovich, confirmed sources.

“At first my Pops were lined up by which is my bestest friend. Like my favorites, you know?” Macguire shared while kneading green hair color into their remaining thin stringy strands. “Then sweet Morgy-pie helped me put them into a curated color wave, sort of how we did with our bookshelf. But we ultimately decided to place them in order of historical significance, since we met our third at the Ren Faire. Of course, this leads to historical arguments, particularly with our Disney Pops. Do we go by release date, since ‘Snow White’ came out in 1937, or the era depicted, since ‘Mulan’ takes place in the 4th century AD? You can see how much stress this causes.”

Vidovich admitted to not particularly noticing the collectible figures.

“Yeah, I saw the shelf, but honestly their condo was pretty dark so I couldn’t really see anything on the shelves,” shared Vidovich while shopping online for new suit vests. “Their bedsheets were black, a classic indication that this couple doesn’t frequently shower. The condo was gross, but I’ve seen worse. At least their plush Totoro carpet felt good against my toenails. They don’t make me brush my teeth either, thank God. Plus they’re anti-deodorant, like me. I might enjoy my ‘unicorn’ status here for a stint. Everything back at my polycycle co-op is so dingy. The sink roaches are mutating something fierce from those hair dye chemicals.”

Funko marketing executive Elliott Bacharach spoke about upcoming inclusive products.

“At Funko, we understand that ‘fun’ comes in all relationship styles, including ethical polyamory,” shared Bacharach from an inflatable bubble podium. “We’re proud of our new line: Funko Pops tailored specifically to non-monogamous consumers. This includes magnetic re-attachable crotch areas, allowing Pops to explore every flavor of non-committal intimacy on your shelf. Now your Guardians of the Galaxy Pops can run a train through your Spongebob Pops. Your Elphaba Pop can 69 with your Godzilla Pop, on permanent display. Am I the only one getting bricked up here?”

Latest reports indicate a surge of arguments between Macguire, Clementine, and Vidovich regarding which season of “One Piece” to watch, followed by disputes over various sugar-laden cereal brands to serve for breakfast.

Heartwarming! When This Guy’s Cybertruck Blew a Tire, a Good Samaritan Stopped and Beat Him With a Tire Iron

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Have you ever witnessed a stranger struggling and ignored them because it wasn’t your business? Whether it’s because of selfishness or just being self-conscious, it’s a safe bet that most people agree that kindness is in short supply. Some could justify that it’s a result of the indoctrination of “rugged individualism”, or that there’s a possibility a stranger in need is secretly a serial killer or in an MLM. Both are valid, but the less we’re willing to help others, the more likely we become disconnected from our communities or even humanity as a whole.

That’s when we need a feel-good, humanity-restoring moment to remind us of what the human experience is all about. As it so happens, local man Trevor Wilkins saw another guy struggling to change the tire on his Cybertruck, and was kind enough to pull over and then beat his ass with a tire iron.

“I know it’s a knee jerk reaction to flip off a Cybertruck and I damn nearly did. But I saw this guy struggling to pry a flat from his mobile dumpster in the rain and figured he’s already suffered enough, so I pulled over to help him out. That was my first mistake. Before I could even verbally offer help, he called me a liberal cuck, which I assume was because of my Subaru, before launching into an unsolicited lecture about how Elon is a genius, and that the tires are designed to pop after running over discarded soda cans. It was at that moment I realized the best way to help this dude was to yank the tire iron out of his hands and literally knock some sense into him.”

It wasn’t long before other motorists also stopped to cheer on Wilkins, and some even got out of their cars to rip the paneling off the truck to shield him from the rain. Proof right there that kindness is contagious!

“To be honest, I began wondering if I was doing the right thing, especially when he started begging me to stop. But then I realized if I were being an insufferable and ungrateful jerk I’d want someone to set me straight. I let up the second he promised me he’d trade it in for an infinitely more practical vehicle, I knew I had made a positive impact in his life. I can only hope that he’ll pay it forward.”

Friend Suggesting the Table Order Some Apps to Share Evidently Doing Pretty Fucking Well for Themselves

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

SEATTLE — A casual dinner amongst old friends at The Prissy Duck took a turn Friday night when apparent nouveau riche Luke Moore encouraged everyone to split several appetizers, sparking accusations that someone must be rolling in goddamn cash, less affluent sources confirmed.

“Where does this guy get off thinking we can all afford to eat appetizers?! I mean, seriously, it must be nice to be able to look at a menu without having a panic attack,” said struggling writer Tessa Larson, who just got water to drink. “I planned to order a $9 side dish as my entire meal, and Luke’s out here talking about ordering goddamn Arancini and Racalette to share, like we are all fuckin’ Vanderbilts. Not all of us got a cush job in the tech industry right out of college, Luke! I’m paying for this meal with overdraft protection! You better fucking believe we are not splitting this check evenly like that stunt [Moore] pulled last month at Pully & Barrow.”

Moore, however, seemed to be unwavering in his attempt to “go in on a few apps” with no concerns for his friends’ economic woes.

“I don’t see the big deal in splitting some Smoked Aioli Crab Cakes. We are all adults now and it’s time to stop acting like we still split Grand Slams at Denny’s,” Moore said, with the confidence of someone who never had student loans. “A couple small plates won’t break the bank. It’s been a hard year and we should treat ourselves. Plus, I want to celebrate that I finally paid off my car.”

Dr. Morgan Hartwell, a sociologist specializing in economic disparities among peer groups, explained that these dinner table dynamics are common in people in their late 20s and early 30s.

“In every generation there comes a point where a wealth gap grows between friends who’ve secured stable careers and those still, let’s say, trying to find themselves,” Dr. Hartwell stated. “So when someone suggests ordering extraneous cuisine, it really highlights the ignorance of the middle-class in relation to their ‘dreamer’ contemporaries. This is why we recommend only dining with friends who are in your same tax bracket.”

As of press time, the dinner abruptly ended after Moore ordered a bottle of wine for everyone without consulting anyone.

Punk Community Celebrates 20th Anniversary of Hopelessly Waiting For Operation Ivy to Reunite At Riot Fest

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

CHICAGO — Legions of punk fans are bracing for disappointment over the exclusion of a reunion set from beloved ska-punk band Operation Ivy during the 20th iteration of Riot Fest, confirm sources who can’t believe this is still a thing.

“Every year, I proclaim to anyone willing to listen that I will not support a Riot Fest that doesn’t get Operation Ivy back together,” stated local music fan James ‘Crunchy’ Mann, who has attended the festival every year since its debut in November 2005. “And yet, I’ll probably still be there this year, 7 Fireball shots in and screaming out song titles from ‘Energy’ during The Beach Boys’ set. At this point, it’s become such a tradition that I’d probably be more pissed if Op Ivy actually played.”

A talent organizer for Riot Fest, speaking under anonymity due to an NDA, explained that the constant exclusion of festival goers’ most requested act is intentional.

“Look, at Riot Fest, we’re trying to sell an idea. That idea is that if you buy a ticket, Operation Ivy is somehow going to materialize unannounced on the main stage and play to a crowd that is sobbing and skanking simultaneously,” said the organizer while making sure Jesse Michaels’ contact card on their phone was clearly visible. “Truth be told, we could book them anytime we want, but then no one would come out to the next one. It’s like the old saying goes: ‘Ya gotta keep ‘em wanting more while also violently complaining on the internet about a missing set they were never promised in the first place.’ It’s called marketing.”

While grateful for the continued admiration, former Operation Ivy member and Riot Fest veteran, Tim Armstrong, expressed confusion over fans’ dismay.

“I don’t get it. If people want it so bad, why aren’t they showing up to the dumpster sets?” asked Armstrong, referencing his yearly unaffiliated and unpromoted solo sets of Operation Ivy material performed at a dumpster in an undisclosed location near Douglass Park. “One year I even got Paulbany to play the sax solo in ‘Bad Town.’ Can’t please everyone, I guess.”

At press time, festival organizers were seen attempting to convince The Beach Boys to cover “Sound System” during their upcoming slot.

Conservative Man Secretly Hoping Lilith Fair Festival Is Revived So He Can Complain About It

Posted on by Steve Packosky

HOUSTON — Local conservative Kyle Edwards found himself hoping female-centric music festival Lilith Fair is revived so he can complain about it, sources report.

“I haven’t really told anyone about this, but yeah, I hope it comes back,” Edwards admitted. “I’m totally prepared to point out that a men’s music festival would be seen as sexist, so it’s totally hypocritical for Lilith Fair to exist. I also have a take that such a thing even existing just points to the feminization of our culture, which completely weakens this country in the eyes of our adversaries. I’ve actually drafted an entire script I can use in a Facebook post or when I’m with my extended family on Thanksgiving, so fingers crossed that it comes to fruition. In the meantime, I’m just going to have to keep complaining about prayer being taken out of public schools.”

Concert founder and singer-songwriter Sarah McLachlan reacted to Edwards’ revelation.

“This definitely isn’t surprising,” McLachlan sighed. “Have you been on the internet in the last decade? Pathetic chuds like this are everywhere, and they’re more emboldened now thanks to last year’s election results. I actually had no plans to start up Lilith Fair again, but I think I’ll do it just to spite these mouth-breathers and watch them whine incessantly. I’ll maybe even book Chappel Roan just to piss them off even more. The world is a dark place right now, so we might as well find these small pleasures wherever we can.”

Psychologist Amber Marques shed some light on Edwards’ mindset.

“Conservatives these days constantly need to feel like they’re being persecuted,” Marques offered. “That’s why Fox News is constantly making them feel enraged about things that don’t affect them in the slightest, like Critical Race Theory or some trans kid in Iowa who wants to join their high school’s swim team. They’re only happy when they’re convinced someone or something is threatening their way of life, and they will eagerly dream up fantasies when nothing comes to mind at the moment, which is what we’re seeing here. This concert doesn’t exist right now, but even if it did this man could simply choose to not attend. Try telling that to him, though.”

At press time, Edwards’ attention had been redirected to secretly hoping the upcoming G.I. Joe reboot would have a black person playing Gung-Ho so he can complain about it.

Busted! Mounting Evidence Suggests Tom Morello Has Been Making the Guitar Sounds With His Mouth This Whole Time

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Throughout the ‘90s and early 2000s, audiences simply could not believe their ears when ax-man Tom Morello plugged in his six-string. The sounds, otherworldly. Alien howls, jizzing robots, and that “wicca wicca” turntable sounding thing thrilled audiences across the globe. But how does he do it? Apparently by being a big fat fucking liar!

Back in the late ‘90s, The Hard Times Investigative Unit received an anonymous tip regarding suspicious guitar activities from the Rage Against The Machine maestro. Regrettably, our priorities at the time were primarily focused on the bombshell that Marilyn Manson was that one kid from The Wonder Years. Decades passed, and the lead went cold, but still the thought gnawed at me. I can play guitar too, but it doesn’t sound like R2D2 getting his ass eaten out. What gives?

Over the ensuing months, our team scoured over 150 hours of footage of Morello shredding and began to notice inconsistencies. His hands would sometimes remain stationary on the neck of the guitar during solos or they would be violently tugging at the whammy bar during whammyless parts of the song. Sometimes it appeared that his guitar was not plugged in or even had strings at all. And during one particular Audioslave show in Boulder, CO he appeared to be playing a six-foot Italian sub sandwich that was poorly disguised to look like a guitar. It was during this performance that we noticed all of his guitar parts sounded like they were chewing on prosciutto and the case was blown wide open.

It was the perfect crime. Many lead guitarists play while standing in front of a microphone in case they need to sing “whoa oh oh” or yell at the sound guy. However, upon closer inspection, you will notice Morello is not merely making the standard orgasmic expression expected of rock guitarists; it’s full-on ventriloquism. A quick background check of his transcript confirmed it. In 1990, he dropped out of guitar college after only one semester to pursue voice acting. This guy is the freaking Michael Winslow of alterna-protest rock and we had no idea!

There was only one thing left to do. We ambushed Morello in the waiting room of his urologist’s office. In a full-on end of Tootsie-style rant, he confessed everything — Zack De La Rocha is a hologram, all of their albums were recorded by session musicians, they’re not renegades of funk. He even admitted that Tim Commerford wasn’t protesting anything when he climbed the scaffolding at the MTV Video Awards; he just likes to climb scaffolding.