Supreme Court to Add “No Worries If Not!” at End of All Rulings Trump Might Disagree With

Posted on by Lauren Grimaldi

WASHINGTON — The United States Supreme Court reportedly began adding “no worries if not” at the end of all rulings President Donald Trump could potentially disagree with, confirmed sources who occasionally even added “we love you, big guy!” as well.

“I remember the days when Donald respected me as a human,” said Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. “Those few weeks during my confirmation hearing in 2018 were some of the best of my life. I’ll do anything to be his special boy again, even if it means allowing him to ignore our decisions, circumvent the Constitution, and break the rule of law. After all, whoever said keeping an eye on all of that was my job, anyway? I’m not here to ruffle any presidential feathers. Jurisprudence is kind of boring anyway.”

Attorney General Pam Bondi didn’t believe that strategy would be effective.

“We’re not concerned with whatever the Supreme Court wants to say,” said Bondi. “They’re glorified blog writers at best, just trying to be woke on the DEI internet, and the president is not beholden to them or anyone else. Unless, of course, they want to ban same sex marriage. Then we’re all ears, and I’ll instruct the president to shout out J-Rob, Bretty Boy, and that girl Amy on Truth Social for their incredible leadership.”

Ginni Thomas is reportedly less concerned with the ongoing constitutional crisis and more so looking for ways in which she and her husband, Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, could get something out of it.

“I think we could get a free plane ride or two when they aren’t using aircrafts to deport migrants,” said Thomas. “Seems kind of like a good deal. Clarence better put in a nice note about Trump’s hair or say he’s a good golfer next time he writes an opinion. And while he’s at it, Clarence should ask the president how he got that deal with Qatar. I wouldn’t mind having a fake jet in our backyard if we could swing it. Hopefully, that ‘no worries if not’ tactic will soften the president’s image of the court so we can get free shit.”

At press time, Trump announced plans to rebrand the Supreme Court as Trump Court, to which Chief Justice John Roberts didn’t seem to have an issue with, if it meant they’d be in the president’s good graces.

Five Mercyful Fate Songs You Need To Listen to Now That You’ve Accidentally Touched the Crucifix on the Wall of Your Grandmother’s Living Room

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Ew, gross! You just got off your grandmother’s couch while you were visiting her and you accidentally brushed against the crucifix on her wall! You even touched the actual Jesus part of it. Ugh! Oh God, does Christianity spread through touch, like the flu? You’d better play it safe and listen to these five Mercyful Fate songs to reverse whatever damage has just been done. And we’re going to err on the side of caution here by sticking to their self-titled EP and first two albums. They put out some killer stuff post-reunion, but you need to listen to their most evil songs so you can get back on Satan’s good side. Here we go:

1. The Oath

This one is absolutely essential. With lyrics solely dedicated to praising the Dark One and denying that dude on the cross you just accidentally touched (we still can’t believe you did that), this one is sure to wash away the residual stink of goodness and purity it left on you. Make sure you headbang and play air guitar to it, because God hates that!

2. Into the Coven

This one made the PMRC’s “Filthy Fifteen,” so it’s got to be a good choice in abjuring the god that those dipshits worshiped. It also opens with a catchy little medieval acoustic ditty that probably fooled a lot of Boomers when their kids would listen to it in the eighties, which we totally appreciate. Hail Satan!

3. Devil Eyes

Hell yes, a song about taking an angel through the gates of hell. What more could Lucifer ask for? Well, he probably expected you to steer clear of that fucking cross while your grandmother rambled on about the drama in her retirement community, but nobody’s perfect. Turn up the volume so he knows how sorry you are.

4. Black Funeral

No! Get those righteous, wholesome thoughts out of your head! We were hoping the Christianity wouldn’t take, but you need Mercyful Fate now more than ever! Sing along to these blasphemous lyrics! Sing towards the heavens to let them know you reject their Lord and Savior!

5. Come to the Sabbath

OK, it seems like you’re in the clear. Better give this song a listen, though, just to be sure. It’s about a Black Mass being held in a graveyard, so it should ensure you’re back on the left-hand path. That was a close one! Are you all better now?

Emotionally Withdrawn Pit Refuses to Open Up

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

ST. LOUIS — An emotionally withdrawn mosh pit refused to open up despite the raw power of Swedish death metal band Amon Amarth’s performance at the Hollywood Casino Amphitheatre beckoning all to embrace feral ecstasy with reckless abandon, confirmed sources.

“It’s just like, I feel like I don’t have the emotional capacity to begin a two-step right now,” a nervous concertgoer offered. “I keep feeling all this pressure to lock in and open up this fucking thing up, but I’m afraid I’d rather spend time alone at this show and avoid spin-kicking. I wasn’t raised to open up pits like this. My dad always taught me to bottle up these feelings and urges to start up a wall of death on the fly. I feel lost and confused and scared. It’s affecting my relationships both with my partner and pits in general.”

Johan Hegg, lead singer of Amon Amarth, was quick to offer support.

“You know, in spite of the fact that all of our songs are about splitting skulls, destroying the enemies of Asgard, and unbelievable violence, we in Amon Amarth both have been and remain dedicated to fostering a safe, nurturing, and loving environment to have our attendee’s limbs and torsos bash into each other like wrenches in a blender,” Hegg tearfully concluded. “If our music is failing to communicate this effectively somehow, then we’re steadfastly committed to creating a space where any and all in the pit will feel free to open this fucking thing up.”

Sociologist Ulla Thorsdottir had some thoughts about the paradoxical nature of this withdrawn pit.

“Many people in their youth do not receive the kind of nurturing that allows one the intrinsic response to feel like the expression of their authentic nature will be well-received in a mosh pit,” said Thorsdottir. “Indeed, many feel like such emotions can and will be punished. It is up to not only the individual, but the entirety of the community, and the pit, to make sure that we help each other break these cycles so we can realize our most truthful selves, especially when it comes to tasty, sweaty mosh pits.”

As of this report, Amon Amarth was seen leading the pit through a series of mindfulness exercises, knowing full well that while still withdrawn, perfection is the enemy of good.

Every Trump Phone To Come Preloaded With Epstein Contact List

Posted on by Tim Sheard

NEW YORK — President Donald Trump’s sons Eric and Don Jr. announced a new Trump Mobile cellular phone service that will feature a new phone called the T1, which will be priced at $499 and come preloaded with the full Epstein contact list, excited sources confirm.

“This phone will have it all. The ability to not only send, but also receive text messages. All on the only 5G network that won’t activate the microchip the Biden administration implanted in you with the COVID-19 vaccine,” said Eric Trump. “But we wanted this phone to be special. Something that makes it stand out above all the other cell phones on the market. So we are going to ship every phone with a contact list populated by everyone named in the Epstein files. You have direct access to the inner circle, you can text my dad to tell him how great a job he’s doing. Or you could text the Clintons and harass them for eating children. You have the power.”

Gary Delucca, a Trump supporter from Florida, was one of the first people to preorder the new phone.

“As a proud graduate of Trump University I know the Trump name carries a lot of weight. When potential employers find out I have a degree in business from Trump U they can’t help but laugh because they know they have a true genius applying to work for them,” said Delucca. “I basically lived off of Trump Steaks until my doctor told me all my organs were failing and I needed to stop eating the meat Trump shipped me. I didn’t listen, ended up in a coma, and when I woke up they were out of business. I honestly wish someone had pulled the plug on me, because I didn’t want to live in a world without Trump Steaks, but this phone makes me optimistic again. And I’ll finally be able to text Bruce Willis and tell him ‘Die Hard’ was actually based on my life.”

President Trump believes this will be the best mobile phone ever made.

“Verizon, AT&T, T-Mobile, they are all cell phone service providers for Anitfa and the radical left lunatics that want to abort every beautiful American baby, and those babies are beautiful folks. And this phone will be made here in America, the best country in the world,” said Trump. “It’s going to create so many jobs it will make your head spin. People are already coming up to me and saying ‘I quit my job as the CEO of business because I wanted to do my part and make these phones in the USA.’ A lot of these people don’t even want to be paid, and we won’t pay them, so we can pass those savings on to every person who can prove they voted for me.”

Eric and Donald Trump Jr. also announced that the T1 phone will ship with Tiffany Trump’s number pre-blocked.

Punk Prodigy Pukes Onstage During Preschool Recital

Posted on by Casey Smith

JAMESTOWN, N.Y. — Local punk prodigy Marriott Dubois puked onstage during his preschool recital, solidifying his arrival in the local scene, confirmed sources who were jealous of his gift.

“The janitor just dumped sawdust on my puke, so open up the pit before an exorcist tries to shut us down,” growled Marriott as he was being cleaned up backstage, stinking of fresh barf, little kid body odor, and faint traces of tire fire. “People have been calling me the Bobby Fischer of punk, and it might have something to do with how much Hawaiian Punch and chunks of Chef Boyardee were seen in my vomit. Sounds like the last person to have this talent so young was GG Allin. If I ever figure out how to shit onstage I’ll be unstoppable.”

Marriott’s music teacher Ms. Hampton is likely the least surprised out of every parent in the auditorium.

“By alienating, captivating, and repulsing the audience at St. Mary’s Roman Catholic Church of Christ, his performance will be legendary at any hole-in-the-wall bar with $3 Pabst Blue Ribbons well into his drinking age, if he lives that long,” Hampton whispered through a wince. “He was the only one who took off his shirt and wrapped microphone cable around his fist as if he was brandishing a weapon during tryouts. This is a Catholic preschool, not a syringe cleaning center. However, I’m not ‘lying for Jesus’ when I say he has raw energy and there’s huge, figurative, pre-pubescent balls on that warrior for the lord.”

Local punk historian Crudup is well aware of Marriott’s lore and actually met him before this legendary performance.

“I met him in this underpass. Usually it’s invite-only when it comes to my home, but he didn’t care. He was like ‘who moved my Lego shit?’ as if I already knew who he was,” confessed Crudup, author of several gems of knowledge scrawled on bathroom stalls. “He’s evolving quickly. Most punks his age are experimenting with mohawks in the bathtub, whereas Marriott can estimate how much Elmer’s Glue is needed to raise a mohawk at any hair length. It’s impressive at his age.”

At press time, Dubois was already looking to start a band despite having little to no interest in actually learning how to play an instrument.

Pantera Mosh Pit Also Serves as Cop Team-Building Activity

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BURGETTSTOWN, Pa. — The mosh pit at a concert by popular metal band Pantera doubled as a team-building activity for local police officers, disgusted sources report.

“Oh yeah, everyone on the force is a huge Pantera fan,” Officer Chet Zeller said. “Since we were all going to the show anyway, we figured we might as well make a team-building activity out of it. We’ll do things like partner up and attack people in the crowd who aren’t moshing, then threaten to arrest them if they object to what we’re doing. Two other officers were also tasked with planting weed on a random concertgoer before handcuffing him. It just feels really good to carry out our favorite activities while listening to the best band in the world. Overall, it’s been a really great bonding experience for all of us.”

Witness Jerome Rodriguez was disgusted with what he had seen.

“Those guys were being such assholes,” Rodriguez reflected. “I mean, I fully expect moshers at a Pantera concert to be unsavory characters, but they were being way too aggressive and slamming into people who were way smaller than them, and threatening to taze anyone who ran into them even though they were in a mosh pit. They were wearing name tags, too, so I’m not sure what that was all about. I’m not really into moshing, but after seeing this, I think I’m going to skip Pantera shows altogether going forward. Hearing ‘Walk’ and ‘Cowboys from Hell’ for the millionth time definitely wasn’t worth putting up with all of that.”

Pantera frontman Phil Anselmo was more or less distracted by their presence.

“That was really distracting,” Anselmo offered. “When I’m up on stage during a show, I’m in the zone. I don’t like having my Nazi salutes and rants about white pride being interrupted by people going too hard in the pit. I have no problems with people moshing, but they kept shouting while they were tackling and reciting Miranda Rights to people, and it was making me lose focus. I gave these guys a free pass because they’re cops, and I’ve always been a huge fan of law enforcement. However, I don’t want anybody who’s planning on attending a Pantera show in the future thinking they can be this disruptive. The music should always come first.”

At press time, the team-building activity was so successful that the cops had decided to schedule another one at an upcoming Five Finger Death Punch show.

Whoa Sick! New Velvet Revolver Reissue To Include Six New Songs and a Hermetically Sealed Vial of an Std From 2005

Posted on by Kyle Donley

In honor of the 20 year anniversary of their smash debut album Contraband, the surviving members of Velvet Revolver have announced a reissue that is sure to gross you out all over again!

Touting a line-up that was ⅗ Guns N’ Roses, the main guy from Stone Temple Pilots, and then just some other random guy for good measure, Velvet Revolver made music for the strip club buffet line — all meaty hooks and sensual come-hithers. As far as supergroups from the early aughts go, they were unmatched in sexual prowess that nobody asked for, with a batch of songs that seemingly leaked from the 40-year old crotches of their leather pants into the households of millions.

Now remastered and infused with Botox and other inorganic fillers (full list included with 76-page CD booklet), the physical reissue is a thing of absolute beauty, assuming you derive your beauty standards from used Maxim magazines. The impressive set includes six never-before-heard songs, most of which were admittedly written by the guy that nobody knows, along with an assortment of demos and live recordings, plus “Slither (Sex Mix)” and “Fall To Pieces (Sex Mix)”!

However, music was never the strong suit for this band, and that remains the case on this reissue, which is what makes the included sensory delights so essential. For starters, it smells. No one can quite put their finger on what it smells like, its mercurial nature an olfactory Gobstopper of sorts, but some have suggested it resembles the stench of somebody fucking a tube of Lip Smackers. Please also be advised, the physical release of the reissue is meant to be sticky and may stain surfaces when removed from its latex casing. (Please note, the Super Deluxe reissue comes in lambskin.)

The thoughtful packaging is rounded out by the crown jewel of the entire set — a hermetically sealed vial of an STD from 2005. The addition of the vintage venereal disease, curated by Dr. Drew and Adam Corolla, truly brings the party to you straight from West Hollywood! While doctors have largely advised to keep the vial sealed, it is 100% your vial upon purchase, and you are free to do with it what you will.

Pre-orders are currently live and available exclusively through your PornHub account.

What the Deaths of Countless Middle Eastern Civilians Means for You at the Pump

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Summer is almost here. That means hopping in your car and hitting the open road with your best friends and family. But before you plan on making that trip to the lake house, you should know that gas prices are about to go up once again thanks to the escalating conflict between Iran and Israel. Families will be torn apart, lives will be ruined forever, children will be killed, and worst of all, you might have to pay a couple extra dollars to top off the Subaru.

The tensions in the Middle East have a lot of investors worried about a wider conflict. They are already ringing alarm bells that oil production might be disrupted. As mothers dig through the rubble to find any evidence of their buried children the future prices for oil surged nearly 8% on Friday.

“The deadly attacks Israel launched on Iran will have an immediate effect on the American public’s ability to cruise down the boardwalk in their newly restored 1968 GTO,” said Eric Winston, the CFO of Gasworks, a non-profit that monitors oil prices. “We are seeing multiple children with limbs blown clean off, we fear this will inspire the Iranian government to retaliate against Israel which could slow down oil production around the globe.”

Further escalation of the crisis could not only result in World War III, but significant increases in all petroleum based products.

“American contractors who operate outside of any actual laws are on the ground trying to keep the peace in hopes of preserving shareholder value,” added Winston. “But if we see another mass casualty event on a civilian population we could be paying at least 25 cents more per gallon by September.

Target Attempts to Win Back LGBTQ+ Community by Announcing Company Mascot Bullseye is a Power Bottom

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MINNEAPOLIS — Retail giant Target announced a last ditch effort to win back support from the LGBTQ+ community by revealing their beloved mascot Bullseye is a known power bottom, company executives confirmed.

“Months of declining sales and being dunked on mercilessly all over social media have allowed us to reflect on how we can win back the trust of our queer guests. So starting today, we are proud to reveal our longtime mascot Bullseye is not just gay but an unrepentant power bottom. We’d also like to point out that he’s always had an insatiable thirst for violent ass poundings since day one, so please shop at our stores again, gays,” said CEO Brian Cornell. “Depicting Bullseye as a size king was way more cost-effective than initiatives supporting our queer team members and communities, so fingers crossed the shirts we’re rolling out can pull us out of this death spiral.”

The announcement was met with little fanfare from those still boycotting the brand.

“There’s desperation, and then there’s whatever the hell Target is doing. I guess it’s pretty ‘in your face’ putting Bullseye in assless chaps getting spit roasted on a t-shirt, but this doesn’t change the fact their executives couldn’t wait to throw us under the bus to appease conservatives,” said Michael Hellman. “Plus look how his back is barely arched, they got it all wrong. Gay Bullseye was definitely designed by a straight white woman.”

Prominent non-profit GLAAD has been following many corporations’ attempts to win back queer shoppers.

“Companies who fucked around with their DEI initiatives are now squarely in the middle of the ‘finding out’ phase, and are making desperate attempts to win back customers in the most tone-deaf and hackey ways possible. Comcast apparently is running a two week ‘Will and Grace’ marathon on all networks, while multiple Nissan dealerships are trying to win over lesbians by helping them move into their partner’s apartments free of charge,” said Kelly Wallace. “Just like their previous so-called support, it’s all performative. As far as we’re concerned, Bullseye is at best a bisexual who is having a fling during a business trip before he goes home to his frigid wife. We don’t need that kind of ally.”

After another dismal earnings report, Cornell offered to acknowledge Pride month by personally gargling the balls of anyone who’ll lift their self-imposed boycotts.

I’m Fighting the Patriarchy by Being Totally Inept at Household Tasks

Posted on by Sara Tabin

Overcoming gender expectations is tough. From infancy, we are all indoctrinated in ways subtle and overt to fulfill a rigid set of expectations foisted upon us by society. I have only the highest respect for people of all genders who are taking a stand against the normative and reductive ways in which we have been categorized and labeled.

Personally, I’m challenging gender roles by proving women can be just as ineffective as men when it comes to basic chores.

Leaving dishes soaking overnight in the sink and letting laundry pile up on the floor were once considered the exclusive domain of men. Not so anymore. I can do all that and more — my toilet is not scrubbed, my floors are not vacuumed, and my leftovers rotted in the fridge weeks ago. There are probably some other chores I am not doing, but I wouldn’t know what they are.

Taking out the trash, maybe? I think that happens on Thursdays? Someone should probably look into it. Not me, though. I’m too busy thinking the big thoughts.

My husband and housemates might allege that I am “lazy” or “not pulling my weight” around our shared house. They might say it isn’t fair that I ate the chilli which Nick made last night, but left my bowl on the table and went to my room to rewatch Succession when everyone else was helping to clean up. They might suggest that, in the rare instances where I do my own laundry, I shouldn’t forget it in the washing machine until Erin finally tosses up her hands and switches it to the dryer for me. They might argue that if nothing else, I should at least be respecting the time and energy of the female and non-binary people who share space with me by not creating extra work for them. To that, I say, stop hating on women who are succeeding in male-dominated fields.

I have weaponized my own incompetence against the patriarchy. If the price that must be paid is that of a clean, livable home, so be it. Great movements always require sacrifices.

Consider the glass ceiling shattered — but don’t expect me to help sweep up the shards.