Punk’s Work Ethic No Match for His Drinking Ethic

Posted on by Ben Friedman

DULUTH, Minn. — Exasperated coworkers of punk Jimmy Alpin threatened to quit after watching his work ethic repeatedly be eclipsed by his drinking ethic, sources have confirmed.

“The day I say out loud that my passion in life is to process insurance claims is the day you can shoot me. This job is simply to fund my passion project, which is working up a tolerance to drink an entire bottle of Malört in one sitting. If I forget to email my boss about a super important account, it’s not like the sun won’t rise the next day,” said Alpin. “I put a lot of effort into getting my BAC into that sweet spot in order to make this job tolerable, so I don’t appreciate HR’s comments about my priorities being misplaced. Maybe they’re still mad about all those shooters I strategically hid in all the office plants.”

Alpin’s coworkers were growing tired of him placing casual drinking over one solid day of work.

“Jimmy is a nice enough guy but being his desk neighbor is absolute hell. We constantly have to carry his workload because he’s too busy planning the office happy hour guest list with the intensity of a high stakes day trader. I’m doing both our jobs and believe me, I fucking wish I could be sauced right now,” said Craig Abramowitz. “I have no idea how he keeps getting away with it! Four times now he’s gotten drunk at lunch and was reimbursed for it being a business expense. If I wasn’t getting home at 8 pm every night from picking up his slack, his commitment would be impressive.

Human resources noted that Alpin was not the only one who was putting their personal lives above work.

“Well this is partially our fault, because right after we ended the ability to work from home many of our employees came back to the office with some extra ‘skills.’ Jimmy is now one of many professional drinkers here, but it’s not as bad as the IT department starting a ska band. They hold daily practices in the break room and it’s impossible to relax,” said Senior HR Coordinator Janey Lewis. “Plus, I think Jimmy and some others are secretly selling our office furniture on the side. I could’ve sworn we had more desks in here.”

As of press time, Alpin received a promotion after impressively outdrinking the entire executive board at a company retreat.

Trump Consults Legal Team to Figure Out Hush Money Payments After Fucking Nation

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump met with his team of lawyers to discuss potential hush money payments to 335 million citizens after another round of fucking America raw, sources confirmed.

“I want to make it clear that the nation begged for this. I was elected in a landslide, no president has ever had as many votes as me. It was almost a perfect score, perfect votes, the voting was perfect. Most of these people should actually be paying me,” said Trump from the Oval Office. “These payments will just be to shut everyone up and make it so they can’t keep complaining. Look, some lunatics, real sick people, radical people with brains made out of mud and horse manure will say I’m bad at my job. But I’m just going to keep fucking this country until they love me. And I’m great at fucking, one of the best. One time I met Peter North and he actually asked me for tips, he looked like he was about to cry, but I said ‘Peter, just grab them by the pussy and shake them around’ and that’s how I invented squirting. Ask any woman, they love it.”

Democratic Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries says his party is trying to craft a cohesive message to combat Trump.

“Honestly, it’s kind of hot sitting back and watching Trump fuck the nation so hard. But at the end of the day us Democrats were too busy fucking ourselves and we took our eyes off the prize,” said Jeffries from a leather chair in the corner of the room. “My biggest problem is that this seems to be a three-way between Trump, the Nation, and Elon Musk, and I can’t just sit here stroking off while an unelected billionaire raw dogs this great country. Once the nation opens its eyes and sees Elon’s pale, husky torso thrusting above them, we hope everyone will wake up and we can start putting together a plan to fight back.”

Right-wing political pundit Ben Shapiro believes the hush money payments are totally unnecessary.

“I find it ridiculous, any person, or country lucky enough to make love with Trump wouldn’t need to be paid to keep quiet. If Trump was to grace my bed with his presence I’d be shouting it from the rooftops,” said Shapiro. “I’d love 15 minutes with him, totally nude, exploring each other and laughing like little school boys. It’s a dream of mine that my wife hates hearing about, but since she knows that I’m the man of the house she will often dress up as Trump in the bedroom to help bring the fantasy close to reality.”

At press time, Meta founder Mark Zuckerberg encouraged more masculine energy on his platforms by allowing users to share nude AI photos of Trump for all to see.

Report: Record Scratch Still Best Way To Know You Walked into Wrong Bar

Posted on by Trevor Graham

NEW YORK — A groundbreaking new study from Columbia University seemingly proves that the sound of music abruptly ending with a record scratch upon entering an establishment is still the best indicator that a person has walked into the wrong bar.

“Based on extensive research conducted over several decades of incidents occurring from individuals entering bars that differ from their cultural or socio-economical status, the data strongly suggests that there is a 97.6% chance that hearing music stop with a record scratch as soon as you enter indicates you have walked into a place you shouldn’t have,” said researcher Thomas Clavin. “It also suggests that if the music starts up again after a few moments of silence it is safe to venture farther in and order a drink. However, if you were to order something like a craft IPA and the record scratch happens again it’s best if you leave immediately.”

One participant in the study says his experiences corroborate the study, especially in his continually gentrified neighborhood of Bushwick in Brooklyn, New York.

“So, my friends told me to meet them at the unmarked bar across from the artisanal pudding shop, and the second I get there and open the door the music stopped with a ‘SCERRREERRUURH’ sound,” said Jake Robinson. “That’s when I knew I had walked into the wrong establishment and that my friends meant the other unmarked place across from the other artisanal pudding shop. It also happened to the next four guys that came in after me. The weird part was that this place didn’t even have a record player.”

B-list film director Jeffery Knight who has made such low-budget action films as “Mercenary School” and “The Crushening” says that while the record scratch is the best way to know you walked into the wrong bar, there are others.

“Sure, the old record scratch is a good one but let’s say you make your way into a pub and you hear someone say ‘Looks like the circus is in town’ or even something as simple as the sound of a glass breaking followed by the screeching sound of a barstool being pushed back. Oh, you are really in the wrong place,” said Knight. “There’s also just the classic sound of a baby crying in the distance. Although if you hear a baby in a bar, you being in the wrong place is the last thing you need to worry about.”

At press time, Columbia researchers say that they have begun a new study that shows the best way to know if you have walked into a restaurant that is out of your price range is when the dining room goes silent except for a comically timed sound of a champagne cork popping.

Shrinkflation? My Hotel Room Doesn’t Have a Cuck Chair

Posted on by Ben Friedman

I am sick and tired of these corporations shamelessly screwing over the working class. Whether it be groceries, household goods, and even the hospitality industry, everywhere you look we’re getting less and less of a value for our dollar because some greedy boardroom bastards need to find some arbitrary way to increase profits to enrich themselves.

But tonight the shrinkflation epidemic has gone too far, because upon checking into this hotel with my wife and her boyfriend, I’ve found the room is deprived of a cuck chair.

As a longtime member of the La Quinta loyalty program it’s a slap in the face to people like me, a regular customer who books this hotel once a month so another man can satisfy my wife in ways that I cannot. But no, here I am perched on the dresser like some cuckold gargoyle because management couldn’t spring an extra $200. Do they expect me to sit on the other queen bed like some kind of third wheel? Come on.

I can understand, taken with a grain of salt, that businesses are tightening their belts out here because materials and resources are becoming more expensive. But I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a barely comfortable lounge chair slightly obscured by shadow from which I can watch my wife get railed by this guy she’d been sexting with on Reddit. I am literally getting less bang for my buck!

And don’t think I haven’t also noticed there are fewer hand towels for which I use to wipe my wife’s bull’s jizz off her tits? I might as well use my hands like I did that one time. This has the foul stench of private equity firms written all over it. What other entity would sink so low as to squeeze the working class out of our cuck chairs?

I’m a simple man, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask that when I book a room for the sole purpose of being emasculated by a much better-looking and endowed man, the hotel provides basic accommodations such as a poorly upholstered chair a darkened corner of the room from which I can silently jerk off and lament that this is the only thing holding my marriage together. Anything less is practically highway robbery.

La Quinta is lucky I also have a findom kink, otherwise they’d lose my business completely.

LA Fire Devastation Officially Reaches Bono Tribute Song Level

Posted on by Doug Kolic

LOS ANGELES — U2 frontman Bono announced that the wildfires in California have devastated enough property and ruined a sufficient amount of lives for him to officialy write a tribute song, distraught sources confirmed.

“Good news, brothers and sisters of the City of Angels, your pain and suffering has officially inspired me,” shouted Bono through a bullhorn to a crowd of displaced residents. “I want you to know that your tears are not in vain, and the reward for your anguish is that I’m excited to announce that I’ve begun work on a little ditty about the horrors that you’ve gone through. I’m calling it ‘Miss Pacific Palisades’ and you’ll be able to find this song immediately on your smartphone. And before you ask, no, you won’t be able to delete it. You’re welcome.”

LA fire victim Cathy Simmons described how this news is hitting her family.

“Damn, just when we thought our lives couldn’t get any worse,” said Simmons as she sifted through the rubble of the home which has been in her family for generations. “When the fires hit, we barely had enough time to pack the kids and dog into the van and get away to safety. When we were finally allowed to return, we were greeted by the grim reality that our lives would never be the same. However, because of our strong faith, we were comforted by the fact that we were still alive and unharmed. But now with this horrible news, that hope has been extinguished and it’s clear that our God is a vengeful one.”

Public Relations expert Dorothy Milic explained how celebrities often keep a close eye on disasters in order to make it about themselves.

“Happens all the time,” said Milic. “Famous people are constantly looking out for anything shitty to happen in order to insert themselves into the conversation. From Gwenyth Paltrow to Harry and Meghan, celebs are always seeking out the next big tragedy so they can send out a timely tweet, issue a public statement, or write a ballad. Residents who live through disasters like this normally have two pressing concerns: What will happen to their homes, and will Gal Gadot release another rendition of ‘Imagine.’ Either way, it’s very troubling.

At press time, Bono was overheard trying to find something that rhymes with “empty reservoir.”

Friend Says You Can Have All Their Worthless Shit if They Die

Posted on by Tim Graham

EAST PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local man Kevin Wright announced plans to leave all of his worldly possessions to his best friend should he die, according to relieved members of their friend group who dodged that bullet.

“I guess I’m supposed to feel honored?” said Steven Coehlo, Wright’s beneficiary. “But I know what kind of stuff he has and I don’t have any interest. I’m stressing out thinking about having to donate, sell or throw away all of his dumb garbage. He does have a decent record collection—or did, rather, before his cat pissed all over them. There is a chance I’ll be able to avoid the whole situation by dying before he does. I’m not going to burden anyone with my stuff, though. My will says to flush my ashes and throw all my shit in a dumpster.”

Wright believes he is doing Coehlo a favor by bequeathing his “assets” to his friend.

“I think about death a lot due to living what some might call a reckless lifestyle,” said Wright while casket-shopping online. “It was a no-brainer that Steven should be the curator of my valuables when I pass. My biggest asset is probably my huge collection of VHS movies, many of which I taped off of TV myself. Also, I have the complete run of Cracked magazine from 1986 to 1991. My hope is he’ll dedicate a room or two in his house to showcasing my memorabilia as a kind of shrine. Though if he falls on hard times I have left instructions for which items he’d be permitted to sell.”

Pawn shop owner Glenn Crenshaw says people tend to vastly overestimate the value of their possessions.

“Millennials and Gen Xers come in my store with stacks of ‘90s comic books or boxes of CDs expecting a big payday,” said Crenshaw. “Then I have to tell them that it’s all basically garbage. I feel sorry for them, really. They were misled by Boomer parents who thought all their shit was going to be worth something. You know the glass cabinets full of ‘fancy china’ that Boomers treat like a Smithsonian exhibit? That’s all worthless. I’m bracing myself for the upcoming flood of Trump-branded crap coming in here that dipshits thought would increase in value.”

At press time, Wright rented a storage unit in which to keep his growing collection of Funko Pops.

Opinion: I Had a Hard Year, so Please Let Me Gatekeep “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”

Posted on by Jonah Nink

I had a hard year. I was laid off, lost my healthcare and my dog. My wife left me and took our kids and the house. Life has knocked me down, and I desperately need a win. It’s for this reason that I ask, no, beg you: please, please, please let me gatekeep The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Oh, you haven’t seen Rocky Horror?

It might be too late for you; us Rocky Horror fans are an eclectic band of enthusiasts dedicated to celebrating the most influential rock opera of the last millenia. Assuming you can even stay up until midnight to see a screening, you’ll quickly realize that we aren’t your average movie audience. But we accept anyone, regardless of marital status, child custody ruling or credit score.

You’re what we in the community call a “virgin,” and it’s tradition that I get to write a “V” on your cheek. Yeah, this starts with me touching you. Of course you can say “no,” and I’m the only one in the community who enforces it, but that just means no one appreciates this movie like me. Everytime I greet someone at Walmart, I can guarantee that I know more about Rock Horror than they do.

Last year my credit score dipped below 250, so sue me if I need to let off some steam by loudly quoting every line of the film as it’s said onscreen. Or if I throw three bags worth of rice at the screen that the independent movie theater’s staff will have to work overtime to clean up after we’re done. I don’t even listen to the steps of the time “Time Warp” because I’ve memorized how to do it.

Hell, I’ll give you the fold out futon that I sleep on if you can tell me which one of the side characters is Riff Raff.

Community helps us through the hard times, and the Rocky Horror community is one of the best out there. Even if I was fired from hosting screenings because I was caught fixing the costume contest so I won every time, I was welcomed back after only three years.

It’s good to have a safe space to yell “slut” in a movie theater without consequence.

Testament, Exodus, Overkill, and Dark Angel Announce “Mid-Sized Four of Thrash” Concert

Posted on by Steve Packosky

SAN FRANCISCO — Semi-titans of American thrash metal Testament, Exodus, Overkill, and Dark Angel announced their plans to play a concert in the same vein as Metallica, Slayer, Megadeth, and Anthrax did with their series of vaunted “Big Four of Thrash” shows, sources report.

“Having played in Slayer for some of the Big Four shows, I saw how successful they were, and I wanted to give the next tier of American thrash a chance to put on something similar,” longtime Exodus guitarist Gary Holt offered. “Obviously, this show isn’t going to be held in a huge stadium with a per ticket price of $200, but we’ll definitely be able to fill up a mid-sized venue with four bands that, if I’m being completely honest, have had way more consistent outputs throughout their careers than any of the Big Four bands, I presume.”

Thrash metal fan Ricardo Alvarez reacted to the news with excitement.

“This is going to be fucking awesome,” Alvarez mentioned. “I’ve definitely seen all these bands before, but never at the same time. I spent an arm and a leg going to see the Big Four in Yankee Stadium back in 2011, so it’ll be nice to see some objectively better thrash metal in a much more affordable setting. Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking back then. Was it really worth it to pay all that money to hear ‘Peace Sells’ and ‘Enter Sandman’ for the millionth time? At least now I’ll get to see Dark Angel play stuff off ‘Darkness Descends,’ which rules because that album is an absolute thrashterpiece.”

Mid-sized venue owner Tim Dodds was also excited for the show.

“This will be a total cash-in for me,” Dodds said emphatically while rubbing his hands together. “Thrash metal fans are known beer drinkers, so I’m going to make a fortune out of the shitty 24-ounce cans of Miller Lite we’re going to sell. Not to mention what I get to rip off from the artists by taking cuts from all the merch that fans are going to buy. Cleaning all the puke off the walls and floors after the show is going to be a small price to pay for the mountain of money I’m going to be sitting on after this.”

At press time, Sacred Reich, Vio-lence, Death Angel, and Hirax announced their own “Small Four of Thrash” concert.

Man Forced to Buy $85 Tour Hoodie After Mistaking Merch Line for Bathroom Line

Posted on by Mac McCarthy

SAN DIEGO — Local show attendee Sean Jessey had no choice but to purchase unwanted concert merch to avoid admitting publicly that he’d spent 30 minutes in the wrong line, according to impatient sources.

“I couldn’t tell the guy at the merch table that I really just needed to take a leak, not buy this piece of shit hoodie,” said Jessey, as he looked with disappointment at the crooked logo on his new sweatshirt. “I’d gone to the bar when I got here instead of watching that terrible opening band, and I thought there was enough time to go break the seal before Bad Religion came on. But when I got to the front of the line, I panicked and bought the cheapest thing they had in my size to get out of there. It was either this or a $60 poster that would’ve been crushed by the end of the night. They were all sold out of the $5 patches. That would’ve really helped me out of this jam.”

Friends of Jessey revealed that he missed his favorite band’s set during his voyage to the merch table.

“I don’t get why this is so fucking difficult for him,” said Richard Jarrett, as he scanned the crowd for his lost friend. “That idiot told us he was just going to go rock a piss and come back with drinks. Bad Religion played for over two hours and Sean still isn’t back! I gave up waiting about halfway through their set and went to get my own beer. Unfortunately, I mistook the bar line for the merch line. Long story short, I bought this $45 shirt I didn’t really want. But hey, at least I made it back in time to catch the second encore.”

Employees at the venue explained that this is a frequent occurrence there.

“People don’t pay attention when they’re in a crowd, they see a line forming and rush to claim a spot before it gets longer,” explained bartender Raul Troy. “Nobody bothers to check what the line is for. There was a guy at the bar last week who screamed at me for not having any medium shirts. Another one spit on me and said I wasted his time because he thought he’d been in line to take a photo with the band. You learn to expect these kinds of things when you work in this industry.”

At press time, Jessey was seen tying the hoodie around his waist to hide his visibly wet pants as he reentered the merch line.

Five Freelance Gigs That Ended With Me Being Sucked Into a Cult

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Not many people can say they can spend weeks, sometimes months, researching stories about some fascinating people and religions. It’s surprising what you can learn about the rich tapestry that is America, specifically how easily you can get too involved in a story and end up relinquishing all of your money and possessions to charismatic leaders. So with a bit of hindsight, here’s five times a freelance gig ended up with being sucked into a cult.

Commune with Nature
It seemed like a great idea on paper: head out to rural Idaho to spend a month with a hippie commune to paint a portrait of self-sufficient individuals who’ve cast off the shackles of modern society. Plus the whole “free love” aspect of it was going to be the icing on the cake. Fast forward six weeks later and we’ve missed 23 calls from our editor because it turns out the commune is less a co-op and more just 15 hours a day of farm work so the leader known only as “Daddy” can sell produce at a fancy suburban farmer’s market. The smell of unbathed hippies will not be missed but damn did they make a good fermented wine.

Xenu We Hardly Knew You: The True Story of Scientology
The obsession with the secrets of Scientology made for an excellent expose on what actually goes on in these “information centers”. But who do I see standing in the lobby but Jenna fucking Elfman, and being the Looney Tunes: Back in Action superfan that I am I just had to speak with her. She ended up being a phenomenal source of information, but when it was time to write the story I found myself at OT Level IV and cut off my suppressive family.

LuLaRoe: Yoga to Be Kidding Me
Being a freelancer is a lot like being your own boss. And since LuLaRoe’s main hook is about being your own boss, I was already 50% of the way to the truth. I mean listen girlie, it’s only a $10,000 investment, and once you get ten people underneath you the leggings practically sell themselves! Ugh, it’s been hard to shake this one off especially since getting banned from Fiverr for trying to recruit other freelancers to sell this crap.

Make America Great Again Great Again, America
Dismantling MAGA talking points is like shooting fish in a barrel, but Trump supporters are a content goldmine. While filming a sizzle reel for Vice, their infectious enthusiasm for making America a theocratic ethnostate ruled by a madman was actually kind of fun, like a treehouse club of people detached from reality. My enthusiasm for their cause began as irony, but somewhere along the line slid into earnestness, like how some people become Ween fans. Eventually, constant exposure to their bullshit had me lying awake at night wondering where Hillary’s emails are and how quickly she can be put in prison for them.

Neptunians Unite: Glory Unto the Queen Mother
Okay listen all those other ones were cults of personality or religion, but this one is the real deal according to the guy handing out pamphlets at the airport. Why our editor rejected a 10,000-word masterpiece on the coming master race from Neptune only ensures their destruction at the hands of the all-powerful Queen Arleth, glory be unto her. And when the day of her ascension comes, boy oh boy will the gigs roll in as we take our place as chief propaganda officer, and 1099’s are forever abolished.