Opinion: School Never Taught Me How to Manage My Finances, But Learning How to Square Dance Has Made My Entire Life So Much Richer

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

As I write this from a jail cell for accidental tax evasion, I know one thing is certain: the world of finances remains a great mystery, but learning how to square dance has made me a much better person.

Did you know I met my first girlfriend square dancing? I got a promotion when my boss saw me square dance. I even saved a man’s life by square dancing! Let me set the scene: it’s a beautiful black tie event. I start square dancing and accidentally bump into the mayor of Minneapolis while do-si-doing. I gasp as a weenie hor d’oeuvre cannonballs out of his airway. Turns out, he was choking and my square dancing was the perfect, direct hit Heimlich maneuver. It has truly been a light in a dark place, especially since I was living in my Mercury Sable at the time after declaring bankruptcy. All I can say is, thank god for the American school system.

I just wish I had been a bit smarter about my finances. I wish someone taught me how to balance a checkbook or what a high yield savings account was. It would have been amazing to learn what interest was… My friends were kind enough to help me pay off a large chunk of my $250,000 of debt, but unfortunately, all I could give them were IOUs. They don’t talk to me anymore, I get it. The only person calling me nowadays is Dan Fielder from collections. He never wants to just grab a beer—it’s always “unpaid balance this,” and “foreclosure process that.”

But sometimes, the thrill of square dancing makes up for all of my financial struggles. It’s so emotionally rewarding. I’m thinking about turning square dancing into a career, so I can finally make money from what I love doing most. There has to be an audience for niche group dances taught in in middle school. I can even throw in other ‘90s PE classics, like hiding under a colorful parachute together, or riding scooters down a bumpy blacktop slope. I’m sure there’s dozens of dollars to be made here.

Thankfully the education system gave me plenty of other skills to become a successful adult. It taught me the three P’s: the Pledge of Allegiance, the Pythagorean theorem, and Punnett squares. Can you say, “cha-ching”?

Photo by Unuaiga.

Iron Maiden Writes Song About the British Credit Crisis of 1772 After Realizing They’ve Already Covered Every Other Topic in Human History

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LONDON — Legendary British metal band Iron Maiden found themselves writing a song about the British Credit Crisis of 1772 after discovering they had already covered every other topic in human history, sources report.

“I went into the studio excited to write a song about ancient Egypt, but we apparently already did that decades ago,” said frontman Bruce Dickinson. “I went to my backup plan of a chronological narration of the life of Alexander the Great, but sure enough, the closer to ‘Somewhere in Time’ already took care of that. So I then scrambled through some history books and wrote lyrics about the Falklands War, but it turns out we did that on ‘Virtual XI.’ Honestly, that one shouldn’t even count because I wasn’t even on that album. I ended up picking this boring credit crisis because there was literally nothing left. It’s going to be tough trying to give this subject matter that adventurous Maiden sound.”

Fan Pua Kalani expressed her concerns about her favorite band.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love Iron Maiden,” Kalani said. “I just think they’ve been around for so long that it’s starting to affect their ability to write new music. I mean, it’s tough seeing the band that wrote ‘The Trooper’ and ‘Flash of the Blade’ resorting to writing songs about 18th century finance just to continue being original. I have a passion for the most exciting parts of history that began with Iron Maiden, so it’s a drag seeing them write songs about some old British prick shorting East India Company stock.”

Music expert Claude Runer was not surprised at the issue Iron Maiden was facing.

“Metal bands that have been around for decades find themselves starved for new ideas all the time,” Runer offered. “How many different ways can Deicide express their hatred for God via song lyrics, or Cannibal Corpse describe someone being killed in a horrible fashion? My advice to Mr. Dickinson is to just call it quits on the new stuff altogether. Nobody’s going to Iron Maiden concerts excited to hear the new material, so he should just consider himself lucky to have made a career out of music, even if it means satiating his fans by playing ‘2 Minutes to Midnight’ for the millionth time.”

At press time, Dickinson was considering writing science fiction lyrics inspired by the work of Aldous Huxley before realizing he’d already done that, too.

Dive Bar Employee Fired for Having Food Handler’s License

Posted on by Dom Turek

PITTSBURGH, Pa. — An employee at a local dive bar and eatery, Rock Room, shocked co-workers and customers alike after revealing he holds a food handler’s license, putting everyone at risk of looking like dorks by association, sources close to the unfolding story reported.

“If I had known, I never would have hired him,” said the manager of Rock Room, David Vasquez. “Guests expect some level of disservice when they come here, and he’s mocking that precedent. It was obvious he wasn’t qualified for this job when I noticed he used tongs to garnish drinks instead of his hands. Everyone knows those tongs are there for show in case the health department stops by.”

The purported food-and-drink expert, Mark Whatley, paid thirty dollars to take an hour-long training course and even took a forty-question test in hopes of getting a leg up on the competition when applying to restaurant positions.

“I tried to explain to my manager that I’m usually much more irresponsible than this,” said Whatley, “But he’d already made up his mind. I wish he were around to see when I re-used silverware I dropped on the ground last week, or even yesterday when my bar rag got a little dry and I used some spit to clean one of the high tops. If only I had one more chance, I could prove I serve a risk to potential customers.”

This state-issued document is considered essential for anyone handling food and is often relied on by law for cooks, servers, and bartenders, but the topic is still up for debate.

“He got his food handler’s license to work at a dive bar?” asked veteran health inspector Brian Dickerson, unable to stifle his laughter. “That’s so lame. A food handler’s license is required in the same way a concealed carry permit is ‘required’ in Texas. A dive bar is a place where people go to feel unsafe and vaguely sick afterward, and he’s taking away from that dining experience by making sure meat is being stored at the right temperature.”

At press time, Rock Room management was seen firing a bartender after finding out she once attended a mixology course.

8 Other Songs Natalie Portman Said Would Change My Life but Ended Up Just Being Indie Rock From 2004

Posted on by Kyle Donley

There I was in the neurologist’s office waiting room, sitting next to Natalie Portman. I couldn’t believe it! She was even more beautiful in person than on the big screen and for some reason, she wanted me to hear a song that would “change my life.” As she gently placed her headphones over my ears, I knew we were destined to be together. My wife and kids will understand. Hell, when they see me on the red carpet with Natalie at the Independent Spirit Awards they might even be proud of their old man, and ex-husband respectively.

I remember thinking “I can learn to love The Shins, no big deal!” but it didn’t stop there. Turns out there are many songs that Natalie believes will change my life! And thanks to Dr. Felder’s notoriously long wait-times, I was all ears.

TV On the Radio “Staring at the Sun”

Ooh yeah this is a good one. Certainly meaningful-sounding. Although it is just a song about a guy standing in a lake with his mouth open, right?

Arcade Fire “Wake Up”

Yeah totally. Sweeping chorus, whoa-oh-oh stuff going on. Maybe a stretch that it would change my life but I feel like I saw this in a trailer once and it was very effective.

Rilo Kiley “Portions For Foxes”

Yeah yeah, song’s fine. God she’s beautiful. What color are her eyes? They’re not brown, they’re like…burnt sienna? Cedarwood?

Modest Mouse “Float On”

Hmm. When she says “change my life” does she just mean songs that remind me of high school? Like does she think she’s introducing me to these songs? Whatever, I’m not gonna say anything, she’s so pretty!

Interpol “Slow Hands”

This isn’t even coming close to changing my life. “We spies, we slow hands, put the weights around yourself?” That doesn’t mean anything!

Bloc Party “Like Eating Glass”

Shouldn’t she be playing me the Beatles or John Coltrane or something? And why is she playing everything from an iPod mini?

Ambulance LTD “Stay Where You Are”

Nope, her eyes are definitely just brown. What is she even doing out on Long Island? This is weirding me out.

Dogs Die In Hot Cars “Paul Newman’s Eyes”

What the fuck is this?! Oh thank god, they finally called my name. Hopefully the test results came back negative for this brain tumor and I can move on with my life.

30 Injured at Stevie Nicks Concert in Twirling Session Gone Wrong

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

ATLANTA — Authorities were called to the State Farm Arena this evening to respond to what eyewitnesses report as a twirling session at a Stevie Nicks concert that went “horribly wrong” and left at least 30 people with a range of injuries, confirmed sources who haven’t been able to listen to “Rumors” since.

“At this time none of the injuries appear to be life threatening,” said Gloria Bernice, a spokesperson for the Atlanta Fire Department. “We’re still piecing together what happened, but we believe that during a rendition of ‘Landslide’ Ms. Nicks began to twirl and subsequently lost control of her body and pirouetted into the crowd. In addition to those whacked by her flailing arms, others were injured in the rush to get out of the path of the out of control singer. We’re still investigating the incident, but, contrary to the rumors online, there is no evidence that this was the result of witchcraft.

Eyewitnesses at the concert described the scene as “chaotic” and “confusing” and with many only narrowly escaping injury.

“It all just happened so fast, I’m still trying to process the whole thing,” reported Heather Campbell. “Everything seemed fine but then I noticed that she kept twirling faster and faster and I began to worry that something might be wrong. Before I knew it, there was this mass of scarves flying everywhere towards the front of the crowd and people were running away. The sound of tambourine as it whizzed by my head still haunts me.”

Nicks was quick to issue an apology, calling the incident an unfortunate accident.

“I am truly sorry for the injuries and trauma that I may have caused anyone,” said the former Fleetwood Mac member. “Please know that this was a freak accident and that people can continue to come to my shows and feel safe. I have had a chance to visit many of those injured and I am committed to helping out with their medical costs and any future therapy they may need by giving them a credit on tickets to my future shows.”

At press time, authorities said that this event, while tragic, still pales in comparison to the 2009 Cupid Shuffle that destroyed several blocks of Downtown Atlanta.

Five Songs We’re Listening To This Week While Pretending An Extra Hour Of Sunlight Has Cured Our Depression

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

You may have woken up this morning noticing the light was a little different. That’s right, it’s that magical time of the year where we ‘spring forward’ and gain more sunlight in the day. For the next couple of weeks, you’ll notice people seeming more friendly and jovial before the reality of our political and economic climate comes crashing down yet again. While we’re in this honeymoon phase, though, we should probably have a bitchin’ soundtrack. Here are five songs you can listen to on your porch or whatever for an extra forty-five minutes after work.

Teen Mortgage ‘Party’

If you’ve ever watched a house party spiral into complete chaos and thought, ‘I bet I can make this worse,’ this song is for you. Teen Mortgage’s latest, ‘Party,’ is a blistering garage-punk anthem that sounds like someone set a keg on fire, plugged it into a broken amp and hit record. It’s the theme song to drunkenly falling asleep in your bathtub at 4 a.m. while your upstairs neighbor once again wonders why they weren’t invited to the rager.

Wavves ‘So Long’

Nathan Williams of Wavves has made a career out of writing songs for people who live like every day is their last. On the band’s latest single, ‘So Long,’ it actually sounds like he means it. Though not without a crisply produced sheen, the track is somewhat of a return to the project’s scrappier form: surfy, snotty, and just detached enough to make you wonder if you should be a little worried.

Ghost ‘Satanized’

Say what you will about Ghost, but they’re probably the only band that could write a song called ‘Satanized’ and somehow make it sound like an arena-rock anthem from an alternate universe where Scooby-Doo villains headline Coachella. The riffs are massive, the chorus is ridiculously catchy, and the whole thing feels like a high-budget haunted house—spooky, theatrical, and just self-aware enough to pull it off.

The Voidz ‘Blue Demon’

Julian Casablancas’ The Voidz continue their mission to sound like an unhinged band from a dystopian future where robots and humans have merged and traveled back in time to tell you that everyone is still really bummed out. Their latest, ‘Blue Demon,’ is glitchy, hypnotic, and just disturbing enough to make you question if you’re actually enjoying it or just too confused to tell. Either way, it pairs well with existential dread and staring into the abyss of your phone screen.

Steady Holiday ‘Seasonal Optimism’

If the extra sunlight fails to fix everything in your life, you might find some temporary relief within the timely Steady Holiday single ‘Seasonal Optimism.’ The dreamy instrumentation and hushed vocals feel like a pep talk from someone who knows they aren’t getting through to your garbage disposal of a brain, but it’s still nice to know that someone cares. Play this one while realizing it’s going to take a lot more than touching grass to make you feel things again.

You want more? Of course you do! You’re likely going to be this jazzed about life forever, right? Well, don’t let us stop your party. We’ve compiled these, and several other songs, into an ever-growing, increasingly disorienting playlist that will carry you through the spring and summer months or until you read the news and get sad again. Listen and follow below:

Mel Gibson Announces Feature-Length Sequel to 2006 DUI Arrest Video

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

LOS ANGELES — Director and grizzled high school shop teacher look-alike Mel Gibson announced this week that his next project, “The Truth,” will be a feature-length documentary and sequel to the police footage of his 2006 DUI arrest, sources confirmed.

“Daddy’s been released from woke jail, and he’s brought his camera and director’s chair with him,” said Gibson, grinning like he’d just heard a racial slur. “I apologized for my comments about Jews being responsible for every war in history, and I almost meant every word of it. Anyway, the feature will explore the origin of cancel culture, which clearly started on July 28, 2006 when I got arrested for my first of seven or eight DUIs. Not to mention I will be personally calling out a number of other ethnoreligious groups immediately after consuming 15 straight beers. This is going to be a must-see film.”

Fans of Gibson’s work are excited about the prospect of a sequel to the infamous video.

“I’m fucking pumped about it. The one thing lacking in the ‘Lethal Weapon’ franchise is the Martin Riggs character going off on rabbis,” said longtime fan James Tucker. “The original clip was way too short and ended abruptly. My boy Mel could go any number of ways in the sequel. The possibilities are endless. For instance, will there be a love interest, like Helen Hunt? Will he discuss the actual death toll of the Holocaust alongside his sidekick, Danny Glover? Or could he expose all the child-killing and blood-drinking at the Thunderdome? Do your research—all the evidence is on X and The Right Stuff.”

Film industry analyst Jackie Addison discussed the excellent timing of Gibson’s announcement.

“The American public cannot get enough sequels and reboots, so anyone who’s anyone is trying to make one,” explained Addison, sighing heavily. “Hollywood is just a buffet of milquetoast sequel slop, and all social media platforms are teeming with virulent racism and anti-semitism. Yet, they’re both part of the cultural zeitgeist right now because Americans are uniquely talented at acting against their own best interests, especially American men. It was only a matter of time before we found a new way to torture ourselves by combining the two. It’s only fitting that Gibson is doing it, considering his most popular movie is Christian torture porn.”

At press time, Gibson also announced that he’s partnering with Nick Fuentes and his production company, Triple Bracket Studios, to release the film.

The Art of Forgiving Yourself for Your Mistakes While Holding Other People’s Against Them Forever

Posted on by Frederick O'Brien

I used to be consumed by anger and shame whenever I made mistakes, all the while giving others the benefit of the doubt. What a schmuck! In recent years I’ve managed to turn my life around, with massively improved well-being, inner peace, and hunger for retribution of those who cross me. Here’s how you can reach that state of nirvana, too.

First off, it’s essential that you internalize the idea that even your ‘mistakes’ are actually the fault of other people. Whenever you find yourself flirting with personal responsibility, remember, they drove you to that mental breakdown at your niece’s birthday party. They made you set the local library on fire. Insofar as you’ve made any mistakes at all, which you haven’t, you were set up to fail. That time you got drunk and trashed your friend’s apartment? That all started with a beer. And who gave you that beer? Jerry. That prick. He should know better.

Remember, you’re doing your best. Whether you actually are doing your best is immaterial. As long as you’re telling yourself, and others, that in a teary, knee-jerk justification of your behaviour, you’re golden. It’s not easy being you. Just getting through the day makes you a kind of hero, like an ambulance driver or firefighter. Who could begrudge someone so selfless the occasional outburst? You’re doing your best.

Other people, however, clearly aren’t doing their best. A vital part of your new outlook is understanding that everyone else is out to get you. The things they do may seem innocuous, even well intentioned, but they’re not. Just last week my neighbor gave me a homemade cake. Sounds nice enough right? Except I’m on a diet. Now I weigh one cake heavier. What a bitch. Cling tightly to the idea that everyone you meet is trying to sabotage you. The fact you’re a washed up nobody sleeping on a couch is exactly because you didn’t keep your guard up. And it’s got nothing to do with cheating on your girlfriend. Again. Or getting horribly drunk at work. Again.

Your well-being is always, always the priority. Show yourself love. Put time aside each day to meditate on other people’s flaws. Fixating on the imperfections of others helps to strengthen your inner sense of purity and being put upon. Besides, how can you be expected not to get out of your mind on ketamin and ruin your cousin’s wedding when you’re surrounded by such fucking idiots?

Nurturing this worldview is a steady, tender task, like looking after a bonsai, but it’s worth it. Good luck, and stay the hell away from me.

42-Year-Old Punk Not Sure What to Be When He Grows Up

Posted on by Trevor Graham

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local 42-year-old punk Chet Roberts, who has spent the last 27 years living day-to-day in suspended teenage animation, isn’t sure what he wants to be when he grows up, confirmed sources who all they know is that they don’t know nothing.

“Man, as crazy as it sounds I feel like I’m starting to get to that age where I need to start thinking about my future and what I want to do with my life,” said Roberts from behind the counter of the coffee shop where he has worked since the second George W. Bush administration. “I guess at some point your carefree adolescent teen years need to come to an end and now that I am in my early 40s I guess that time has started to come for me. Now I need to start thinking about what kind of job I want to have and maybe even start thinking about settling down and starting a family.”

Some Roberts’ friends and bandmates say that while they get the sentiment of starting to think about the future that he is getting a little too ahead of himself.

“It’s some real normie shit to start thinking about what you want to do with your life at this age. We just graduated high school 24 years ago and also our band is going to get signed and become huge any day now,” said Jeff Perkins. “Next thing you know we’ll be walking around with health insurance and bank accounts and paying our taxes and living in houses with working heat and running water. What kind of bullshit is this?”

Therapist Suan Paragon says she sees this type of confusion and uncertainty with aging scenesters who have spent decades living a lifestyle that caters to idealistic youthful values.

“We see this problem a lot with people who have been involved in punk and hardcore music scenes. Those involved in these scenes obsess over music written primarily by teenagers over 30 years ago and it seems to trap the fans of this music in a perpetual cycle of believing they are young and that becoming an adult is something that will never happen to them,” said Paragon. “Even more dangerous is the message in this music that says all of life’s problems can be solved by believing in yourself, standing by your friends’ sides, and never being a part of ‘the system.’ It all sounds great when you’re young but when you need to pay for a prostate exam or physical therapy for arthritis in your knees that fantasy falls apart pretty quickly.”

At press time, Roberts was said to be looking at brochures for colleges that he may apply to and that he was excited at the idea of living in a dorm room like a real young adult.

SpaceX Announces Plans to Stop Putting Teachers On Their Spaceships

Posted on by Maksym LaRouche

BROWNSVILLE, Texas — SpaceX announced they will no longer be allowing school teachers on their spaceships following the second explosion of a Starship mega rocket last night, sources confirmed.

“We’ve looked at everything you can look at: debris, schematics, calculations, but there seems to only be one common factor amongst all the crashes, and that is they’ve all had high school teachers on board at the time of the crash,” said Douglas McIntyre, lead engineer for SpaceX. “At this point, you can’t be calling it a coincidence anymore. Just look at the Columbia Shuttle disaster in 2003. They found that there were several stowaway teachers on board that NASA had not noticed before launch. The most frustrating part of being an engineer can be finding ways to stop educators from getting on board ships.”

The Teacher’s Union, however, was not pleased with the plan to discontinue the use of teachers in space.

“Elon Musk is putting many fine educators out of work by not putting teachers on these exploding spaceships. This is part of a coordinated attack from the Right to marginalize educators in our society,” said union representative Terry Framingham. “They are going to use teachers as a scapegoat and claim it’s their fault these rockets keep exploding. But the blame should fall on Musk and his cronies for their inability to design a rocket that actually works.”

Esteemed Harvard physicist Thomas Wong vocally opposed the decision to remove teachers from future launches.

“Historically, teachers have been used for a wide variety of useful tasks such as being flung at walls during castle sieges and being used to educate young people, but thanks to the Trump administration’s gutting of the Department of Education many teachers are left without work,” said Dr. Wong.“They’ve been looking at this problem all wrong: It’s not the school teachers, it’s a deficiency in school teachers. By adding more school teachers to these flights, they may find greater success in the future. There is an emerging new theory in physics that suggests the optimal way to launch a rocket out of Earth’s atmosphere would be to start with many public school teachers on board, and hurdle increasing numbers of them off as the ship leaves the atmosphere.”

At press time, Musk stated that all highly intelligent chimps will also be taken off future flights and will be required to use Ketamine with him while playing video games.