Guy Who Wrote Title for PornHub Upload Clearly Going Through Some Stuff

Posted on by Charles Bill

PHILADELPHIA — Frequent PornHub uploader Tyler Jones was clearly going through some stuff as evidenced by the title of his latest entry, confirmed masturbators nationwide.

“I was browsing for something to beat my meat to, and I came across this really curious title,” explained pornography connoisseur Patrick Adams. “The video was called ‘Dirty Whore Cucks Her Pathetic Boyfriend Who Has Done Nothing But Love Her And Provide For Her, and Co-Sign A Loan So She Can Buy A Ford Fiesta.’ I cranked my hog to it of course, but I was feeling a little weird about it. I checked out the comments, and the poster was really active in there. For instance, he posted a lot of comments about how love is a lie and we all die alone. Really put a damper on my afterglow.”

Although the video quickly gained views, the uploader himself did not seem to revel in his pornographic success.

“Women don’t care about anything except money and looks,” said Jones, who had clearly been crying. “They’ll just use you up, make you take them to the Cheesecake Factory, and never offer to pay, even when they get the herb crusted filet mignon. Sure, I don’t mind paying, but then we have to go out and see ‘Wicked’ in theaters? Again? Hopefully this video helps to show horny dudes from around the world that women aren’t worth it. They just take, and take, and then you find out that they’re sleeping with your best friend Kyle. I miss you so much Jessica. I’m so sorry.”

The phenomenon of pornography titles revealing elements of the uploader’s psyche is one that has existed as long as erotic art has.

“Porn has always been a window into the soul of the creator,” stated pornography historian and clinical psychologist Dr. Helga Stein. “The original title of ‘Deep Throat’ was ‘Even Though This Woman Is So Good At Sucking Dick, It Doesn’t Mean She Is Happy,’ but it didn’t test well with audiences so they cut it down. Even the paleolithic fertility icon, the Venus of Willendorf, included an inscription that archaeologists recently translated as ‘Please don’t take the kids Grunka Thump.’ Carbon dating revealed that she did, in fact, take the kids.”

At press time, Jones was uploading another video to PornHub, the title of which was an impassioned plea for everyone to get a prenuptial agreement.

5 Easy Weeknight Meals That Are All Just a Whole Rotisserie Chicken With No Utensils

Posted on by Violet Cowdin

Weeknights are busy. You come home after a long and hellish day of being told what to do by people you don’t respect…and now your stomach is rumbling? Perfect. Time to figure out what will fuel you for the next depression-riddled maze we call “tomorrow.”

Let’s be honest, the only thing that sounds appetizing lately is the idea of clawing your own eyeballs out and popping them like gushers while you sob blood. That’s why this meal plan is magic! See below for some easy AND appetizing dinners you won’t want to miss.

Bon appetit!

Below you’ll find an accompanying shopping list you shouldn’t share with anyone else:

– 5 Whole Rotisserie Chickens
– Absolutely 0 (zero) utensils
– 1 unhealed heart

WEEKDAY MEAL PLAN:

Monday: A historically horrible day of the week deserves nothing short of a carnal experience. Dive into one of those…how many days old? No – it doesn’t matter – chickens until you’re sucking the smallest bone dry.

Tuesday: Another case of the terrible Tuesdays? Why make it harder? Just use your hands to decimate a whole entire rotisserie chicken you got at Walmart.

Wednesday: It’s Hump Day, isn’t it? Why not get off while you eat a whole-ass rotisserie chicken and watch Traitors? It’s not not fun.

Thursday: You’re so close – Why stop now? Grab one of those hens, dress it up, and kiss it before ripping her apart.

Friday: More like FriYAY! You deserve a big meal after all your hard work. You know what? Probably best if you don’t start thinking about what you do and do not deserve. For now, it’s time for you to go absolutely HAM on a whole entire fowl eaten with just your hands and no utensils.

I can’t help but come back to this time and time again, no matter how much my loved ones beg me not to. I can guarantee that once you experience ravaging a carcass it will become both your greatest joy, as well as your greatest point of shame. And isn’t tha the most appetizing combo of all?

Tattoo Artist Starting to Suspect Client Just Coming in to Get Back Shaved

Posted on by Matt Husser

EUGENE, Ore. — Tattoo artist Joe Brennan reportedly began to suspect his longtime client was just coming in to get his back shaved after the man left repeated sessions early, sources confirmed.

“I’ve been working on Tom’s back piece for the last three years, but I’m beginning to think he’s just in it for the pre-tattoo shave—he even started bringing in his own lavender-scented sensitive skin shaving cream,” said Brennan, wiping up a tumbleweed of back hair from the shop floor. “It takes like an hour to hack through the fucking rainforest on his back, and then he bails after five minutes of tattooing. He’s paying my hourly rate so it’s not a total loss, but I just hope this isn’t some weird fetish thing.”

Tom Papadopoulos denied any wrongdoing, arguing that he simply liked to take his time completing his back piece.

“I have no idea what Joe is talking about, I just prefer to book my back piece appointments in five-minute sessions once a month, or sometimes twice if I have a really big Hinge date,” said Papadopoulos, applying aftershave to his back. “That green soap they always use irritates my skin, so I prefer to pamper myself with something a little more delicate. Besides, it’s not my fault that the only thing my deadbeat Dad left me was a hereditary shag carpet on my back that I can’t reach by myself.”

As word spread around town, fellow tattoo artist Bucky Clarke reported that his suspicions about his former client were finally confirmed.

“Wait a minute—that hairy guy that brings his own lotions and balms, comes in for five minute sessions, always asks if he can light a candle? That’s the guy that tried to get me to shave his ass!” shouted Clarke, recoiling from the memory. “I was doing a big piece on the back of his legs and he kept asking if I could shave a little higher. I must have shaved ten acres of brush before I finally caught on and kicked him out.”

At press time, Papadopoulos’ chiropractor was starting to suspect that he was only coming in for the free hugs.

Val Kilmer, Star of “Real Genius” and My Confusing Sex Dream, Dead at 65

Posted on by Dan Rice

Today, the entertainment world mourns the loss of one of its most polarizing but respected figures. Val Kilmer, star of such films as “Tombstone,” “The Doors,” and a series of sexually confusing dreams I keep having, has died of pneumonia at the age of 65.

Throughout his career, Kilmer’s unapologetic self-seriousness made him tedious but undeniably magnetic. His Batman movie is often derided, but no actor quite captured the complexity of Bruce Wayne like Kilmer. It’s hard to imagine anyone else as Jim Morrison. It’s outright impossible to envision any other actor walking in on a tryst I was having with my third grade math teacher Mrs. Hinterland and making snarky criticisms about my performance.

Like any genius of a craft, Kilmer could often be difficult to work with. Throughout his career he had highly publicized clashes with some of the top directors in Hollywood. His prima donna antics on the set of “The Island of Dr. Moreau” were legendary, and partially blamed for the film’s failure. The moment he realized his snarky taunts at my sexual prowess were arousing me, he started giving me the silent treatment. Still, the man’s work and the stains on my sheets speak for themselves.

Kilmer was that rare breed of actor whose choices made it impossible to take your eyes off of him. You never quite knew what he was going to do moment to moment. There was an irresistible danger to him, like when Iceman suddenly chomps at Maverick in “Top Gun,” or how all the sudden we would be on a boat, just me and him, the latter dressed as Mark Twain, slowly removing his prosthetics and then removing everything else, his toasted-chestnut skin soaking in the sun, my hungry eyes soaking in every inch of his immaculate body.

His attitude may have stunted his career. At one point it seemed he was on track to become a leading man on par with Tom Cruise, who is too short for me, but as his difficult reputation grew he found himself relegated to supporting roles, and eventually my homoerotic dreams shifted to Idris Elba. At the end of the day, however, it was that somewhat volatile streak that set his work apart and made it special, a fact that he fortunately seemed to come to terms with at the end of his life.

Rest in peace Val Kilmer. Whether we’re looking for a blockbuster film whose lead is unafraid of making strong choices or subconsciously coming to terms with the internalized shame of our latent bisexuality, you’ll always be our huckleberry.

DOGE Launches GoFundMe to Fund Purported Savings

Posted on by Holden Klym

WASHINGTON — Elon Musk’s team at the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) launched a GoFundMe campaign to raise money for the savings they claim to have already achieved, confirmed sources.

“We’ve been working around the clock for days, trying to get every taxpayer to donate. We’re recommending a minimum donation of $714.29 to match the exact amount we keep saying out loud. So far three people have donated. Only hundreds of millions more to go,” admitted Preston Stockwell, a 19-year old DOGE employee and college dropout. “If Musk finds out about this GoFundMe, he’ll either fire us all or bring his chainsaw to the office and start making puns about slashing government spending again. We just can’t risk it.”

Musk supporters tried their best to donate to the cause.

“I was kind of shocked to see a page titled ‘Make Savings Great Again’ asking me to donate my hard-earned money to create them,” stated Ivana Brayncel, a Republican mother. “My cousin Rod took a break from posting pictures of his baby holding his AK-47 to share the GoFundMe though, so I knew it must be important. I wish I could help them meet their goal of 11.5 billion dollars, but unfortunately I had just donated to a handful of family members’ hospital bills on their GoFundMe pages yesterday. I swear half of my paycheck goes to crowdfunding medical expenses.”

Musk, in his ketamine-fueled haze, repeatedly denied the non-existence of their purported savings.

“These savings are very real. Maybe even too real. A GoFundMe page would be less efficient, and that’s not what we’re about. We’re here to create transparency about where taxpayer dollars are going,” stated Musk while his eyes darted around the room as if independent from his body. “It’s embarrassing that Americans think so little of DOGE to make such a claim. The numbers are there on the website. For instance, you have no idea how much we saved by defunding humanitarian aid, veterans, and governmental transgender mice.”

At press time, the DOGE team also started a GoFundMe campaign to raise money for the Tesla stock that has been plummeting.

Opinion: If Urine Can Help Heal a Jellyfish Sting, It Can’t Hurt To Try It on Our Marriage

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

There comes a time in every marriage in which you have to admit that things have gone too far. You might be living in the same home, but you’re no longer looking in the same direction. You might be eating the same sub sandwiches, but dunking them in different soups. You hate each other’s fucking guts, to be clear.

That’s where we’re at, babe, and I’m going to throw this out there: human urine.

Before you get up and drive your beloved 2011 Volkswagen Beetle out of my life for the last time, I want to try everything we can. And if urine can heal the wound of a jellyfish sting, who says it can’t help out when the rose of love begins to lose its bloom?

We all know that jellyfish stings infect tender skin hyaluronidase, neurotoxic peptides, bioactive lipids, hemolytic proteins, histamine, and cytotoxic proteins, much as the passage of time inserts resentment and anxiety into a long-term relationship. I think that’s what our relationship counselor was trying to tell us.

Everyone also knows that human urine is uniquely suited, for reasons that only the gods above know, to alleviate jellyfish stings. Does Jehovah want people to piss on stings? Does Zeus have something against jellies? Who can say, but we know it’s the only thing to do.

If that’s the case for an aquatic wildlife wound, why wouldn’t it work on the rift in our once harmonious bond?

Listen, we’ve both tried a lot. I tried to learn as much as I could about the history of Volkswagen Beetles, ignoring the Nazi parts. You tried to learn what kind of sub sandwiches I like, although I acknowledge that there are times even I don’t know.

But we’re still fighting. I sleep on the couch. You sleep in your 2011 Volkswagen Beetle, and it kind of seems like a waste that no one gets to actually sleep in the bed. We can’t even meet each other’s eyes over our differentiated soups.

Also, this isn’t a sex thing. Golden showers aren’t going to save our marriage, tantalizing as their sweet sweet humiliation may be. What I’m suggesting is that human urine may contain some innate physical property that will actually cure whatever is wrong with our romantic relationship.

All I know is that we’ve exhausted every possible avenue and now, urine is the only thing we can look to. I don’t like it anymore than you do, but we owe it to ourselves to give it a shot. Before you say yes or no, can I interest you inthis 2 quart pitcher of iced tea?

“Enema of the State” Cover Art Only Thing Reminding Aging Punk to Get Yearly Colonoscopy

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

FAIRFAX, Va. — Local aging punk Blake Feinstein credits the cover art for Blink-182’s “Enema of the State” as being the only reason he remembers to get regular colonoscopies, sources close to the colon confirmed.

“I never schedule my colonoscopy ahead of time. After every one, they ask if I want to schedule my next since I have a history of colon cancer in my family, and I say no because my system works. I wouldn’t leave it up to chance,” said Feinstein. “I don’t know what I’d do without the ‘Enema of the State’ nurse lady. The album inevitably makes it back into my rotation right on schedule and her menacing gloved hand is all I need. The last time I went, one of the nurses almost kind of looked like her too. Can’t wait to get my next one.”

Stanley Klein, a gastroenterologist at Inova Fairfax, shared findings that indicate this colonoscopy scheduling technique may be more common than previously thought.

“Thanks to online portals, we’re able to run more surveys than ever and it’s easy to gather data on how people found us and things like that,” said Klein. “In the past couple years, our practice has found that many people are selecting the ‘Other: Blink-182 cover art’ option in the ‘What made you schedule this appointment?’ section of our post-appointment questionnaire. It’s accounted for up to 75% of procedures, recently. In fact, thanks to Blink-182, all of our rectal exam procedures have been non-stop.”

Colon health advocacy and outreach groups are taking advantage of these findings, Quentin Smyth of the “Get Tubes Up Butts” group confirmed.

“When it comes to preventative health and cancer screenings, it’s important to use every tool at our disposal to get the public informed and interested,” said Smyth. “We must embrace this and further harness the power of the scary yet incredibly hot nurse on the ‘Enema of the State’ album. May she terrify and arouse us all into getting our colons screened regularly. We cannot underestimate this form of outreach when it comes to reaching in there. Get your butts checked, people!”

At press time, the NIH is reportedly looking into this phenomenon and researching whether the cover art for “The Velvet Underground & Nico” can get people to take potassium intake more seriously.

ICE Agent’s Wife Hoping Her Family Gets Torn Apart Next

Posted on by Ryan Danley

TUCSON, Ariz. — A local ICE agent’s wife Karen Wilkins is really hoping her own family gets torn apart, after years of watching her husband forcibly separate families at the border, confirmed sources.

“When Todd and I got married I could think of nothing but raising a family with him. But I must have been drinking crazy juice, because at this point I’d rather spend the rest of my life married to a serial killer. At least they have the decency to spend the majority of the time acting like their not a psycho, ICE agents wear it like a badge of honor,” Wilkins said, stuffing a suitcase with clothes while her husband was at work. “Todd comes home every night bragging about how he’s ‘upholding the law’ by tearing screaming kids away from their parents, so I figured—why not us? Maybe ICE can show up, drag me and the kids out in the middle of the night, and send us anywhere that’s not in a house with a man who calls deportations his ‘March Madness bracket.’”

Despite Wilkins’ enthusiasm, her husband was hesitant to endorse the idea.

“Look, it’s different when I do it at work. When I separate families at the border, it’s about national security. If ICE showed up and took my wife and kids away, that’d be, like, a total human rights violation,” Todd Wilkins explained, completely missing the fact that his wife was shoving passports into her purse. “Just because I come home smelling of children’s tears, anguish, and broken dreams doesn’t mean I can’t be a good father. I’m a good Christian, goddammit!”

Reports indicate that Mrs. Wilkins’ departure sparked little sympathy from ICE officials, who saw it as just another routine case.

“In the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, we believe family separation builds character,” said Janet Reynolds, Director of ICE Family Services, casually shredding asylum applications. “Whether it’s an immigrant family at the border or an agent’s wife realizing she married a sociopath, we see it as a win. This is simply the way things are meant to be. And where exactly is Mrs. Wilkins from? Looks like she’s only third-generation American. Hope she likes drinking toilet water—at one of our beautiful facilities, of course.”

At press time, Mrs. Wilkins successfully fled to Canada with her children, where she was reportedly enjoying universal healthcare, humane immigration policies, and the peace of knowing that her ex-husband was stuck in Arizona, alone with his own reflection.

Nature Is Healing: 5 Places in Your Apartment That Dolphins Have Reclaimed

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

It is no stretch of the imagination to say that the world is in pretty rough shape. A Life Model Decoy of Elon Musk has been elected President. Eggs cost more than $2000 per shell, not including the styrofoam container. The new Disney+ Daredevil show is mediocre at best.

But don’t lose hope! If you look at the world, there is always a bright spot to be found and the scientific community has announced a beautiful sign that nature is unquestionably healing: the dolphins have returned to reclaim multiple parts of your apartment.

Yes, we humans may have been giving nature the kind of beatdown usually only found in Scorsese films, but the gentle jesters of the ocean aren’t letting that get them down and have reclaimed their ancestral homes in your third-floor walkup, despite your newly signed lease.

So far, researchers have confirmed stable populations of dolphins in the following parts of your single-occupancy apartment:

The Bathtub: When we picture a dolphin majestically leaping out of the water or forming an underwater gang to bully weaker undersea creatures, where do we see it? That’s right, in the bathtub of your apartment, happily splashing in the dusty clawfoot that your landlord swears he’s going to get around to fixing one of these days.

The Breakfast Nook: Scientist are cautiously optimistic that the pod of Atlantic humpback dolphin currently having recreational sex in your breakfast nook may be able to form a sustainable ecosystem, particularly as you are now legally required by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service to ensure they have a constant and fragrant supply of estuarine fish to gorge themselves on.

Under Your Twin Bed: It brings a joyful tear to our eye to report that the dusty space under your twin bed, in which you have not had a partner for over 17 weeks, is now home to a cavorting group of Flippers! It’s a good thing you weren’t getting any action, because that EEE-EEE-EEE thing they do is a real mood killer, to be honest.

Your Dark Corner of Anger Against a World That Wrongs You at Every Turn: Whoa, you have a whole corner of your apartment set aside for that? What are all these scratch marks on the wall? Is that…bl– you know what? We don’t wanna know, it’s dolphins now! Yay!

Dishwasher: It’s been pretty nice having a dishwasher, hasn’t it? Even a tiny little one that smells like mildew and only works with some kind of dry detergent only made in Estonia. Well, those days are over, because four bottlenose dolphins own it now.

Concert Attendee Gnaws Off Own Ankle After Stepping in Spilled Beer Sticky Trap

Posted on by Shane Pauker

OAKLAND, Calif. — Concertgoer Seth Mosley had no choice but to chew off his own foot after it got stuck to the floor in a trap set by years of spilled Pabst Blue Ribbon, confirmed sources seen tip-toeing around the Bottom of the Barrel venue ever since.

“I thought the floor would let up, but it pulled harder every time I tried to escape, like some Chinese finger trap,” Mosley remembered in a hospital bed. “I just came to see Subsonic Eye. I wanted a good view. I stepped in a beer trap. I did my best not to panic. But after being stuck watching two awful, no-good opening acts I knew I had to escape. I poured an IPA onto the floor to dissolve my foot free, and I just got crusted in worse! I had no choice. I had to gnaw my way out or watch a third opener, so I did what any normal person would, and chewed through my foot until it was completely severed, bones and all. Besides walking, I almost never use that foot anyway.”

Venue staff acknowledged the trap’s existence but admitted there was nothing they could do about it.

“I found that guy’s foot, what with all the viscera and lager. You might be thinking that it sounds like a mess to mop up. Well, that patch was already a bastard to clean before it had foot blood all up in it,” explained longtime venue janitor Sal Bucco. “Believe me, I’ve tried everything to clean up that particular area. I’ve tried throwing water on it and letting it soak overnight. I’ve tried dumping dish soap on it. Hell, I’ve even tried not thinking about it and hoping it’d go away on its own. But when even sweeping it up failed, I knew that it was just part of this venue’s permanent character.“

As news of Mosley’s foot spread throughout the Bay Area scene, punks pushed for improved venue conditions.

“Fans have a right to humane treatment!” punk rights activist Angela Derby explained on a picket line in front of Bottom of the Barrel. “If you want to capture an audience, you should either plan on a painless release, like by allowing ins and outs, or kill them quickly and humanely, like with a giant snap trap. Leaving fans in place on sticky, beer-soaked floors like they’re flies on fly paper only prolongs their suffering. We can’t — and shouldn’t — have another Seth permanently stuck behind a six-foot-tall human barricade.”

Going forward, Bottom of the Barrel announced they will retain a bulldozer to scrape stuck attendees free.