Real-Life Mr. Bean? This Man Just Caused a Deadly 12-Car Pileup in London

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Many of us grew up watching syndicated episodes of the British sitcom “Mr. Bean” starring Rowan Atkinson, wherein he played a largely silent, bumbling bozo who always found himself in comical situations resulting from his various eccentricities and general overall clumsiness. Whether he was stuck in an emergency room waiting area with his hand stuck in a toaster or performing a dental procedure on himself after accidentally sedating his dentist, he never failed to entertain his audience. While, sadly, the show went off the air in 1995, we may have just found Mr. Bean’s real-life counterpart!

Can you believe it?

Meet 51-year-old Robert Keenan of Enfield, England, who recently found himself narrowly escaping the path of an oncoming car as he attempted to cross Lower Thames St. in London, which forced the driver to swerve into oncoming traffic. The resulting pile-up was absolutely tragic, with 7 deaths and 3 people currently in critical care, and whole lot of gut-busting. Get this: the whole thing happened because Keenan had stopped in the middle of the crosswalk to tie his shoe!

Come on now, Robert! Didn’t you learn any lessons from your predecessor?

It seems Robert found himself in the heart of London’s financial district for a business meeting, and the poor man just couldn’t keep himself from doing something embarrassing. While this isn’t quite at the level of him placing his shoe on a parked car and hopping after it on one foot while the car drives away, we imagine he’ll get there eventually. It takes time to become a universal symbol of comedic folly, and he’s just getting started. We just have to keep an eye on him in the meantime!

What’s next for Robert? For now, we have no idea, as it seems he is pretty shaken up from his wacky London adventure and has not surfaced from his studio apartment back in Enfield for the past few days. We just want him to know that we appreciated his little nod to one of British culture’s most iconic fictional characters, even if those left dead or fighting for their lives in St. Bartholomew’s Hospital likely feel different, and we’re holding out for him to reappear (preferably in a green Austin Citron Mini with a padlock on the driver’s side door) for some more hilarious hijinks soon. We’ll just have to keep a camera crew from Channel 3 at the ready for when he inevitably finds himself in another side-splitting debacle!

Do you have any ideas for Robert’s next big adventure in the city? Sound off in the comments, and we’ll find a way to reach out to him once he’s overcome the shock and guilt of his last one!

Scientists Develop Procedure Allowing Human Brain to Offload Matchbox Twenty Songs to Make Space for New Information

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

BALTIMORE — Top neuroscientists at Johns Hopkins University developed an innovative procedure that will allow the human brain to offload Matchbox Twenty lyrics in order to make space for new information, confirmed sources.

“Getting to this place in our research is indeed monumental, but it wasn’t an issue of ‘if’ but of ‘when,’” said Dr. Marcy Gellson. “There’s been a growing need for this exact procedure for decades. A huge portion of the Millennial/Gen X populations have only been functioning at 75% brain capacity due to the chorus of ‘3AM.’ It just takes up too much space. It’s sort of like a Raw image on an iPhone. A photograph of a feline licking its anus might not look like much, but it’s crashing your storage availability. Matchbox Twenty songs are like that. We were desperate for a cure, and we got one.”

Sarah Bernabeo, the next patient who will be undergoing the procedure, opened up about her experience deciding to go under the knife.

“I know brain surgery might sound scary, but it just got to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore,” said Bernabeo. “I’d be driving my car and ‘Unwell’ would come on and I’d be singing every single word. I can’t remember ever learning all the lyrics, but they’re in there somewhere. And all I could think was all the better things I could be doing with all that space! Think about it: the human mind is an incredible thing! The potential is endless! I don’t want to waste it on a B-level song from 2002. I mean, I could finally learn Bella’s monologue from the end of Eclipse. I’m so excited.”

Lucy Felland, a renowned Sociologist, recently touched on the broader implications of this procedure.

“Widescale use of this procedure could have unimaginable impacts on society,” said Felland. “Conceive of a world in which people ages 30-45 have purpose beyond meme posting. Without ‘Back 2 Good’ running through their minds, it’s possible a large portion of the adult population could find who they are as people and try to contribute to society. Of course, there are no jobs to be had, so there’s no way of knowing where this influx of ready minds will lead. For all we know, your mind could simply replace those ‘Push’ lyrics with the words to ‘Semi-Charmed Life.’ Either way, we’re at a very exciting moment in the history of humanity.”

Scientists are reportedly now looking into whether it’s possible to expand the procedure to include Rob Thomas’ collaboration with Santana and any future releases.

Scientists Concerned After Discovering New Strain of Hulkamania in Livestock

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

DALLAS — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control raised warning flags about a new strain of Hulkamania found in livestock that, if left untreated, could spread and cause an epidemic of unbridled pride in America, sources confirmed.

“This particular strain of Hulkamania seems to really affect the brain’s ability to function properly. We’ve had multiple farmers report that their cattle have had discolored secretions, loose stool, but the easiest symptom to identify is all the animals with the disease stare at the closest American flag while stomping their feet in unison,” said lead scientist Dr. Shelby Lee. “We are worried this could spread to human populations. Hulkamania was very prevalent in children in the 1980s, but the worst side effect was that people reported being nostalgic for watching wrestling with their dad. If this strain of Hulkamania spreads today we could see seemingly normal people declaring their love for Trump and tearing their shirts off to protest DEI measures.”

Cattle farmer Dale “Dutch” Savoy is very worried about the latest outbreak.

“Yep, my buddy over in Plano runs a farm and he says all his cows went bald right on the top of their head. It ain’t pretty what happens to these cows. Their muscles grow out of control, their skin turns a weird hot dog color, and I swear to you I’ve heard some of them say the N-word, yep,” said Savoy. “We had a pretty bad case of Hulkamania in the early 2000s. The pigs on the farm started growing dark black mustaches and acting real nasty towards authority. Not sure what that was all about, but I don’t want to go back to them times, yep.”

Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. says the general public has nothing to worry about.

“Transmission of Hulkamania from animals to humans is very rare and there are easy ways to prevent it. All you need to do is pull a stone off of the bottom of a lake and keep it in your mouth for five to six hours while sitting in direct sunlight, the disease can’t survive in those conditions,” said Kennedy while scraping an armadillo off the side of Interstate 45. “If that doesn’t work then all you need to do is put two pints of your blood into a bowl, mix it with yeast, bake it for 45 minutes at 350 degrees, then consume the sludge. You will be healthy as a horse.”

At press time, scientists worried the outbreak was spreading faster than anticipated after a herd of horny cows were seen outside Bubba the Love Sponge’s house.

Feminist Icon? This Woman Ruined Her Life Without Any Help from a Man

Posted on by Dom Turek

Feminism is a scary word for men. Like “dentist” or “accountability,” it evokes visceral reactions from guys who think maternity leave is “woke.” The idea that a delicate, right-brained woman could change a tire, read a map, or employ decades of piss-poor coping mechanisms that will ultimately derail her own life without any outside assistance is unfathomable, spine-tingling, and possibly even sacrilegious.

Historically, women have relied on men to get things done for no other reason than that societies tend to prioritize the male viewpoint, and function as such. Though our grandmothers and great-grandmothers might have dreamed of being trailblazers, it was illegal for women to wear pants back then, and it’s not easy to blaze trails in a poodle skirt and Victorian corset. Thankfully, times have changed, and this local woman is taking advantage of the freedoms her ancestors couldn’t enjoy by fucking up her life with no help from a man.

After years of being chided by older members of her family asking, “When are you going to settle down and find a nice-passing guy to undermine your confidence, strip you of your identity, and ultimately ruin your one god-given life?” local feminist icon Tina Kirk posed a revolutionary question to herself. “What if I could ruin my life more effectively than any man ever could?” Armed with the knowledge that anything is possible as long as you believe in your self-sabotage, she set out to do just that.

Kirk doesn’t expect the older women in her family to understand, and how could they? She comes from a long line of great aunts who were given lobotomies for staying out too late at barn dances and grandmothers who couldn’t buy a car without a permission slip from their husbands. Their inability to accept the fact that an unmarried, single woman can fuck up their own life so badly that even strangers advise them to “just give up,” and “find god” is just a symptom of generational trauma.

Why employ a man to impart doubt, imposter syndrome, and poor self-image when you have a wide range of anxiety disorders to do it for you? These days, women have the freedom to vote for one of two presidential candidates who will both actively try to dismantle their rights. Now that’s power. A woman can legally file for divorce and spend her entire settlement on Venetian blinds in the fit of mania without being institutionalized, and that, ladies, is progress.

Right Wing Rap-Rock Band Releases New Single “Cop Kisser”

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Local rap-rock band Antagonyze released their latest single “Cop Kisser” which they say should act as a blueprint on how to appreciate and respect all members of law enforcement, sources close to the band confirmed.

“Yo, it makes me sick how much hate I see for cops online. These brave men and women put their mothafuckin’ bodies on the line for us every single day and the best way I could show my appreciation is to write a dope ass song about how we all need to be kissing more cops right on the lips,” said frontman Krazy Karl. “I love cops so much that I’ll speed through school zones hoping to get pulled over. When they ask for my license and registration I’ll give them a little smooch on the hand, and then it’s time to french. This country would be so much better if we all got a little bit more mothafuckin’ comfortable with showing physical affection toward cops, that’s what this dope song is all about.”

Gainesville police officers are aware of the new song and fully support the message.

“Most songs you hear about law enforcement are about how we are all monsters and how cops should be killed. It’s nice to finally have a hard-rocking song about tenderness towards police,” said Officer James Torres. “Sometimes the stress of this job can get to me. Just the other day I had to sit in my car for 45 minutes while two people sorted out a minor traffic accident. People don’t understand how mentally taxing it can be to just sit in a car for eight hours straight. But then a band like Antogonyze comes along and cheers me up. I’m lucky enough to have kissed two members of the band already.”

Music critics across the country have roundly dismissed the song as nothing more than cop-aganda.

“I was expecting Dick Wolf to be a producer on this song. The lyrics are mainly about how cops are superheroes and the least we can do as citizens is gently kiss a cop’s lips to show our appreciation. I roundly disagree with the sentiment and believe we need massive reforms to law enforcement,” said Lauren Terria. “Not to mention, musically the song is a mess. They lifted entire basslines from Korn, the vocals sound like they were recorded in a tin can, and I think they used GarageBand to fill out the drum parts. My version of hell is listening to this song on repeat.”

At press time, Antagonyze announced on Truth Social they were just tapped to perform at the Gainesville Policeman’s Ball.

Five Songs We Listened To This Week While Googling ‘What Is The Stock Market?’

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Congratulations! You’ve made it through another week of wildly conflicting information and malaise. You probably don’t deserve a break, but you should take one anyway. One of the easiest things you can do to unwind is listen to lots of loud abrasive music, and we have you covered. Here are five songs we listened to that are sure to help you forget your one stock in NOS Energy Drink is absolutely plummeting.

Turnstile ‘Never Enough’

‘YOOOOOO! NEW TURNSTILE, BRUH!’ This is something you’ve heard your roommate that’s four months late on rent say repeatedly around the apartment, sometimes even in their sleep. That’s because Turnstile finally announced the follow-up to their 2021 breakthrough LP ‘Glow On.’ Title Track ‘Never Enough’ finds the hardcore outfit continuing their experimentation with pop sensibility, but it still shreds. Imagine being crowd-killed by someone who just discovered the concept of an inner child. Sure, that elbow hurts, but that’s the first step toward healing.

My Chemical Romance ‘I’m Not Okay (I Promise) [Live From BBC Radio 1’s ‘The Lock Up’ 2005]

My Chemical Romance’s ‘Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge’ is celebrating its 20th anniversary this year, a stark reminder that the march of time is constant, unforgiving, and will spare no one. To mark the occasion, the band is re-releasing the album with a new mix and a bevy of unreleased live material of the era. One of those said tracks has been released with the reissue announcement and it’s wild. If you find yourself listening to this live version of the breakout track and marveling at how rowdy it is compared to the pristine production of the original, it’s time to take your blood pressure medication.

Pissed Jeans ‘Waves of Fear (Lou Reed cover)’

Leave it to Pissed Jeans to take a Lou Reed song and make it even more concerning sounding. The band’s cover of Reed’s classic ‘Waves of Fear’ is the musical equivalent of a composite sketch of an unidentified serial killer – definitely close to the real thing, but more menacing and we don’t like the eyes. The arrangement groans like someone trying to stand up after looking at their 401k for hours on end. It’s bleak, gross, and the perfect soundtrack for all of the horrors of today.

Murder By Death ‘Wandering’

You may have heard from your friend who claims to be a homesteader, but actually just has a garden, that Murder By Death is breaking up after 24 long years of being your favorite band’s favorite band. Though they will cease to tour after a long run of farewell shows this year, the orchestral folk rock outfit will be leaving us with one final album, ‘Egg and Dart.’ The lead single ‘Wandering’ evokes the feeling you often get while watching that one Folger’s commercial that makes you cry unexplainably. As if every happy memory you’ve ever held has been caught in a dust storm. It’s really good, is what we’re trying to say here.

Noble Rot ‘Hang On’

We’re all still pretty bummed about METZ’s indefinite hiatus, but at least it means we get new music from frontman Alex Edkins side project, Noble Rot – which also features Holy Fuck’s Graham Walsh. If you didn’t catch their debut album last year, no sweat. Just imagine dance music for people who would rather be reading a book. Their latest single ‘Hang On’ continues on with that formula, but adds in more ominous psychedelia. It sounds like something your weird science teacher from high school would play during a lab day, but cooler
.

You need… more music? Jeez. Seems a little ungrateful, but whatever. We made a playlist of these and every other song we’ve listened to this year. Check it out below and don’t say we never did anything for you.

MAGA Influencer Volunteers to Spend Two Months In El Salvadoran Mega-Prison to Prove It’s Not So Bad

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Popular conservative influencer Jake Fowler intends to “own the libs” by spending two months in a notorious El Salvadoran prison to prove it’s not as bad as media outlets report, concerned sources confirmed.

“What’s up truth seekers, American patriots, and members of the Free-Thinkers Republic, I’m about to head to CECOT for a few weeks of rest and relaxation. A little social media detox where I get free meals and a haircut, it doesn’t get much better than that,” said Fowler in the last video he uploaded to YouTube. “I’ve seen too many lies about how El Savador’s prisons are inhumane, and how President Trump’s deportations are crimes against humanity. I’m going to show everyone that going to prison in El Salvador is no different than staying at a Best Western. I’ll talk to you again in eight weeks, unless I’m having so much fun I decide to extend my stay.”

Fowler’s family lawyer Robert Bagley says he has had little contact with his client since he entered the facility.

“Mr. Fowler has been inside the prison for just about two days now. I’ve had one five-minute conversation with him and he seemed slightly distressed. In the interest of full transparency, he was crying the entire time we talked. He informed me that he was beaten by masked guards and was given a series of electric shocks for bleeding too much,” said Bagley. “Other than that he seemed to be in good spirits. He’s excited to get back home and give his followers a full breakdown of his time spent in the prison. The one hiccup is that I’m not sure they actually plan on releasing him, and I’m working with the Justice Department to secure his return to the States, but they said that matter is ‘Extremely low priority.’”

El Salvador President Nayib Bukele welcomed more Americans and people from around the world to stay at his prison.

“I’ve created the best prison system in the world and it’s made my country so much safer. We are willing to take felons from across the world and stuff them in cells for a price, we will even take people who haven’t committed crimes, we don’t discriminate when the price is right. Our guards are the most blood thirsty men I could find and their fists are primed to knock out some teeth,” said President Bukele. “I want to thank President Trump for being so indiscriminate with the people he sends us, and my promise to the American people is you will never hear from anyone shipped here again.”

At press time, Fowler was presumed dead and buried in one of the countless mass graves outside of the facility.

Opinion: On the Whole, I Think “Vulgar Display of Power” Is More Consistent Than “Cowboys From Hell” and Also Thank You President Trump for the January 6th Pardon

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Let me make one thing perfectly clear right off the bat: I love Pantera. Their particular brand of in-your-face, street-wise heavy metal served me well through all the highs and lows of my life, from the time I finally passed 11th grade to the time I was arrested for seditious conspiracy, criminal trespassing, and assault on a Capitol police officer. So please don’t take this as an attack on “Cowboys from Hell,” because I absolutely love that album. On the whole, I just think “Vulgar Display of Power” is more consistent, and also I’d like to take this opportunity to thank President Trump for the January 6th pardon.

On “Vulgar Display of Power” we see a maturation in musicianship that shows itself in the performance of every member. Take “Fucking Hostile” for instance. It has a fury not seen anywhere on “Cowboys from Hell,” or, for that matter, Nancy Pelosi’s office before I broke in and took a shit in her wastepaper basket four years ago. There’s not a song on “Cowboys from Hell” that comes anywhere close to matching this type of aggression, which is an aggression that fueled my ascent up those Capitol stairs even though I hadn’t experienced any physical exertion for decades at that point.

Pantera is known as a violent band, and where did this violence originate? Certainly not with “Cowboys from Hell” which, while an outstanding album in its own right, is too mired in old-school thrash with just a hint of the good-time glam of the band’s old image for it to be the go-to album that demonstrates their sound. It’s not until “Vulgar Display of Power” that we hear that true Pantera sound that would show itself in later releases, particularly their stellar follow-up “Far Beyond Driven.” Even the album art, which looks eerily similar to the right hook I laid on the face of that cop who tried to wrench the can of bear mace out of my hands, is more fierce and unrelenting than that on “Cowboys from Hell.”

Pantera, much like myself and my proud patriot brothers who stormed the Capitol that day, has been unduly maligned in recent years. A Confederate flag in a promo shot and a few minor, verbal slipups from Phil Anselmo about white pride, and all of a sudden they’re the bad guys. Well, I think that’s a bunch of beans. I saw numerous upstanding citizens holding Confederate flags in our nation’s capital that day, and they loved their country as much as anyone brandishing a traitorous symbol while disrupting a congressional proceeding at the whims of an aloof billionaire from Queens possibly could.

I’ll close this out, appropriately enough, by touching on the album’s beautifully sonorous closer “Hollow.” Its somber tones were a perfect soundtrack to the regret I felt in the days after the insurrection; a regret that I’ve since learned was entirely misplaced after President Trump issued his sweeping pardons, thus validating my actions that day and emboldening me to continue this behavior going forward. It’s rare that such a tough, no-bullshit president can demonstrate such magnanimity towards his country, just as it’s rare that a band can concurrently be so aggressive and so melodious, and I’ll forever be grateful to both my favorite band and my favorite president for helping me see this.

Republicans Point to Misfits “Last Caress” Lyrics as Evidence That People Abort Babies Post-Birth

Posted on by Bobby Korec

WASHINGTON — Members of the GOP claimed that the opening lyrics to the Misfits’ song “Last Caress” was proof that people abort babies post-birth, confirmed sources.

“Plus, the line ‘it doesn’t matter that much to me as long as it’s dead’ is further evidence that liberals do not show remorse for their baby-murdering proclivities,” said Speaker of the House Mike Johnson while applying homemade parental advisory stickers to the “Static Age” album at his local record store. “As conservatives, we take babies very seriously. From nine months before they are born to a few days after, we care deeply about their well-being. After that, they can die of malnutrition or whatever the poors pass away from. That being said, I do quite enjoy that Misfits’ song ‘Bullet’ since I assume it’s pro-Second Amendment.”

Songwriter Glenn Danzig wished more organizations understood that his lyrics aren’t meant to be taken literally.

“You write one song about ending the life of an infant and suddenly everyone has follow-up questions,” said Danzig. “In fact, PETA’s been up my ass for decades about my portrayals of werewolves, hellhounds, and jackals in my lyrical content. They wanted me to tone down the flesh-eating, neck-tearing, and face-gorging, as they claimed werewolves aren’t as murderous as they’re made out to be and are probably more misunderstood if anything. Regardless, I don’t condone killing a baby but I’m totally for singing about in an arena every few months.”

Experts noted that conservatives often have a difficult time understanding messages in horror punk songs.

“Republicans primarily listen to country music where the lyrics are meant to be taken at face value and nothing more. Lyrics from more imagination-based genres are completely lost on them,” said music critic Gene Felder. “For instance, they claimed the Misfits’ song ‘She’ was pushing the pronoun agenda. They also believe the lyrics to ‘I Turned Into a Martian’ was evidence that reptilian lizard people exist. They also pointed to the chorus of ‘Skulls’ as proof that liberals dig up corpses to add to their cranium collections. We all know Democrats don’t do that. Libertarians do. Regardless, conservatives have absolutely no sense of music literacy.”

At press time, Misfits fans were stunned that Republicans didn’t seem to have a problem at all with the rape part of the “Last Caress” lyrics.

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Coachella Attendee Relieved Tariffs Won’t Impact Native American Headdresses

Posted on by Ben Friedman

INDIO, Calif. — Coachella attendee Kayle Cooper breathed a sigh of relief after discovering the Native American headdress she was going to purchase to wear all weekend would not be impacted by the Trump administration’s tariffs, several sources looking to purchase very similar headwear confirmed.

“Like, talk about dodging a bullet! All of my friends had their outfits picked out and there was this really cute headdress that compliments my eyes, and I’ve been freaking out because the news said imports will be more expensive and my dad said we might lose the house. But it turns out they’re made by Native Americans in America, so problem solved,” said Cooper while rushing to get photos in front of the ferris wheel. “I really thought for a second there someone was going to take my picture at Charlie XCX’s set looking boring. I’ll gladly pay more for everything else if it means I can still look like a beautiful Native princess, but on molly.”

Apparel vendors just outside of the festival grounds were also relieved the government’s new tariffs would have a minimal impact.

“I personally don’t approve of cultural appropriation, but this is my busiest weekend thanks to all the suburban white dorks who haven’t gotten the memo about cultures not being costumes. Regardless, my margins are razor thin so I was sweating over the Canadian tariffs where I source my headdresses from. They’re handmade and not cheap, let me tell you,” said Marcus Livingston. “I was able to procure some from the good ol’ USA, of course I didn’t tell them who I’d be selling them to because they’d definitely say no. I hope they do well, because the cost of all the Asian and Latin American apparel and accessories I have are through the fucking roof.

Peter Navarro, Trump tariff expert, stated that avoiding a tariff on Native American goods has been the administration’s plan the entire time.

“Everyone who complained about the tariffs being reckless and misguided clearly did not see the big picture here, which is ensuring the rich tradition of Native American culture is carried on through our beautiful, white festival goers,” said Navarro. “Anyone who says otherwise will be rounded up and sent to a much shittier music festival, that much we can promise.”

At press time, Cooper was in shock after seeing the rest of her Native American outfit from SHEIN would cost 154% more than anticipated.