Opinion: I’m Fiscally Conservative, Socially Liberal, and Internet Communist

Posted on by Ben Friedman

With this country basically divided into only two camps, I feel like I’m on crazy pills for having a more nuanced outlook on the issues. I know that political discourse is not as black and white as the media portrays, and many contrasting views can be true at once!

Which is why my views are a healthy balance of being financially conservative, socially liberal, and online communist.

Some call me a hypocrite, but I like to think of myself as a pragmatist. I try to be as open as possible when it comes to my political views, even if that means compromising my beliefs and even contradicting myself numerous times in a conversation. Not that I’m trying to, but it’s just that I’m trying to sort all this political bullshit out in real-time across multiple mediums.

I’m not asking for much, just for a government that cuts wasteful spending while ensuring the rights of women, minorities, and the queer community are protected while encouraging online discourse for the proletariat to rise up and overthrow the bourgeois.

That last part is where it gets tricky because that is the future I really want and I think we can all agree it makes sense on paper and Reddit. But then I get thinking about my taxes getting raised to cover shit like universal basic income and healthcare and I think a little bit of social security privatization is fine. Who’s gonna retire anyway?

And before anyone gets it twisted, just because I want funding social safety nets slashed for my own personal gain doesn’t mean I believe marginalized people and communities should be treated second-class citizens. I’m not a monster after all. You will always see me at the pride parade in June holding all the rainbow Bank of America pens!

I firmly believe the internet is for and by the people, because without us there’d be no content period. Plus telling women that I’m all for crushing capitalism is the only way they’ll talk to me. Look at it this way, since more women don’t want to have kids, why not cut education funding by 30%? It’s promoting bodily autonomy and prudent government spending.

Jesus Christ, I sound like an asshole. At least I’m not like those guys who also identified as spiritually libertarian. I’d be insufferable.

Heartwarming: Metalhead Proposes to Girlfriend During “I Cum Blood” Introduction at Cannibal Corpse Show

Posted on by Chris Bowen

CHICAGO — Local metalhead Dirk Felton proposed to his girlfriend Jade Oliver at the beginning of “I Cum Blood” during a recent Cannibal Corpse show, welled-up sources confirmed.

“She said ‘hell yes!’” exclaimed Felton before shouting to the band to play “Post Mortal Ejaculation” to really “set the mood.” “I’ve been planning this proposal for a good hour and I was even able to bargain with the guy at the pawnshop for the ring, so the stars were clearly aligned tonight. Really wanted to use ‘I Cum Blood’ as our first dance song at our wedding too, but Jade is really hoping for it to be ‘Fucked with a Knife.’ I’m sure we can iron out the details later, but for now we celebrate love and this shirt I just bought from the merch table with two bloody corpses licking each others’ rotting skin in a dungeon while their intestines ooze out of their abdomens. What a day.”

Felton’s fiancé couldn’t be more excited to spend the rest of her life with him.

“He’s just such a romantic dude,” said Oliver before showing off her ring to the only other woman at the show. “He’s been known to tear his sleeve off and prop it over a puddle so my feet don’t get wet. He also lets me wear his battle vest when I get cold. Not to mention, he opens doors for me and then immediately shuts them for people behind. Before the show, he even gave me a dozen dead roses and the still-bleeding heart of a cow. And they say chivalry is dead.”

Experts were quick to note other similar instances during live events.

“Many a metalhead have been known to hit most of their life milestones at shows,” said music historian Graham Revorton. “Just last week, one couple somehow closed on their first home and signed all the paperwork during a Deicide set. Another held their entire wedding ceremony during a Cattle Decapitation show. The families were none too pleased. And there’s even been at least one instance of a metalhead giving birth in the middle of a Dying Fetus set. They left the placenta and everything. Metalheads have no shame.”

At press time, Felton and Oliver had to postpone the wedding after they couldn’t get Morbid Angel as their wedding band and were forced to look elsewhere.

Every Poison Idea Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Mike Maher

Portland’s Poison Idea is a scary band. Terrifying, actually. Not in a silly corpse paint, Hail Satan! way, but more like “Jesus, these guys are completely fucked out of their skulls” kind of scary. Known for their self-destructive lifestyle as much as their lightning-fast, balls-heavy, rock-infused punk, Poison Idea are the unsung antiheroes of American hardcore. Formed in 1980 by frontman and longest-standing original member Jerry A. Lang, the self-proclaimed “Kings of Punk” play a pant-shitting blend of Motorhead meets GBH meets the Germs meets their dealer in a Denny’s at 3 a.m. to score heroin with a side of flapjacks. Between numerous full-lengths, EPs, singles, reissues, best ofs, stylistic changes, substance abuse problems, lineups, break ups, reunions, deaths and so on, navigating Poison Idea’s consistently brilliant catalog can be tricky. Luckily, this list will be of zero help because every album is in a seven-way tie for better than whatever you’re currently listening to. So jump in, and feel the darkness.

7. Confuse and Conquer (2015)

On their 7th and final full length, Poison Idea mostly conquers and occasionally confuses. Part classic Poison Idea, part “Oh, that’s an interesting stylistic choice…,” this swansong is in the key of we’ll do whatever the fuck we want, thank you. Honestly, nobody expected anything from Poison Idea this late in the game; shit, nobody expected anything from them early in the game either. But Jerry A. & Co. tap into veins old and new here. “Beautiful Disaster” is pure machine gun riffage. “Hypnotic” sounds like a New York Dolls b-side. “Dead Cowboy” goes…spaghetti western? And it’s all good. If variety is the spice of life, “Confuse and Conquer” might overseason the meat at times, but still with just enough kick. And yes, we stand by that terrible analogy as much as we stand by this incredible last offering.

Play it again: “Tripwire”
Skip it: “Dead Cowboy”

6. We Must Burn (1993)

“We Must Burn” is Poison Idea at its core – heavy, catchy, caustic. But once again, they’re flexing muscles we haven’t heard before, proving degenerates can also be really damn good at their instruments, no matter who’s in the band at this point (honestly, we’ve lost track). You like solos in your punk? Heck yeah you do. They’re all over this album. And not the wanky kind. Well, maybe a touch of wank. How about singing? Jerry A. shows his vocal range here, which falls somewhere between bark and howl. Hey, he’s trying! Point is – and we have one, promise – moments of experimentation aside, this is still a savage album that you get drunk and fight to. And that’s not some analogy; that is an order.

Play it again: “Hung Like a Savior,” “When I Say Stop”
Skip it: “Jessie’s Arms,” “Religion & Politics, Pt. 1”

Honorable mention: Ian MacKaye (1989)

This release is infamous for two reasons: its artwork, and pissing off its namesake. Originally called “Get Loaded and Fuck,” retitling it “Ian MacKaye” was somehow even more offensive. But the music really steals the show. Pound for pound some of their best work during their best period, this EP is a little more leather than denim compared to past releases with thrashy, heavy metal riffage galore, all played at a punk rock pace. This is actually the “Filthkick” and “Getting the Fear” EPs in one combo platter, because having 97 versions of various releases apparently still wasn’t enough for Poison Idea.

5. Latest Will and Testament (2006)

This is a clinic in not fucking around. We should know. Fucking around is literally all we do at The Hard Times. While not as yapped about as their classics, this underrated ripper is mid-period Poison Idea at the top of their craft. Sadly, it’s also legendary Tom “Pig Champion” Roberts’s last stand on guitar before shuffling off to the great basement show in the sky. Poison Idea keeps things fast and dangerous here, occasionally shifting to heavier gears and harder rock grooves.“Kill the Messenger” and “Fake” are as bleak and brutal as Poison Idea gets, which if you’ve been paying attention, is very bleak and incredibly brutal. And “Novelty” sounds like Rollins-era Black Flag, but without the tiny shorts. Slip this album into conversations about slept-on punk classics and make up all the cool points you’ve lost amongst your elitist peers lately.

Play it again: Everything
Skip it: Nothing

Honorable mention: Pick Your King (1983)

Where it all started. Aw, baby Poison Idea. Depending on who you ask, Poison Idea’s debut EP is their finest hour; but we say it’s their finest 12:40. Taking big swings at police brutality, privilege, false idols and more, they hit the ground running faster than an escaped convict with blistering, hate-fueled hardcore not unlike SSD, MDC and Negative Approach. This ranking is already longer than the record, so you know what to do.

4. Blank Blackout Vacant (1992)

This album sounds exactly as advertised, catching Poison Idea in an especially foul mood. But instead of opting for all-out temper tantrum tempos, they slow things down a notch, go darker, more rock, more roll, but no less punk. “Punish Me” bludgeons you old school, Poison Idea-style. There are tough guy hardcore moments too (“Smack Attack”), without the typical tough guy tropes. They also salute the New York Dolls with a greasy, gassed up cover of “Vietnamese Baby.” Lyrically, we’ve got dinner party conversation starters like suicide, abuse, war. An oh, fair warning: there’s a goddamn saxophone on here (“Forever and Always”), but things don’t stay saxy for too long. “Blank Blackout Vacant” shows how limber this absolute unit of a band can be, which is quite limber considering Poison Idea collectively weighed over 1000 pounds at one point.

Play it again: “Crippled Angel”
Skip it: “Amy’s Theme”

3. War All the Time (1987)

The only thing keeping this from being number one on this list is the fact that it’s number three on this list. Named after Charles Bukowski’s book “War All the Time,” Jerry A. and the gang make ol’ Hank look like an altar boy with this platter of piss, blood, and riffs. Fast. Heavy. Grimey. Clocking in at just under 30 min, this is the people’s hardcore, showing the band at their most Motorheadest (they even cover the song “Motorhead”). And we dare you to find a more brutal opener than “The Temple.” That isn’t rhetorical. Go. Find one. We’ll wait. This is also their first album with one of the best punk drummers of all time on the kit, Steve “Thee Slayer Hippy” Hanford. File this record next to “Damaged,” “Tied Down,” and your set of kettlebells.

Play it again: “The Temple,” “Romantic Self Destruction,” the whole damn thing
Skip it: “Ritual Chicken”

2. Kings of Punk (1986)

Gotta love the modesty! Honestly, Poison Idea could have called this slab of stolen valor “Dickcheese Twinklefarts” and they’d still be the undisputed kings of punk. With two killer EPs already under their belt, this debut album is one of many jewels in the band’s broken crown. Punk purists will claim this as Poison Idea’s best. And they’re not not wrong. Fast. Raw. Nihilistic. Razor sharp songwriting. A true hardcore punk record back to front, with the occasional glimpse at the metallic chugga-chugga to come. In an era when hundreds of bands could claim the title “Kings of Cockrock,” this much needed blast of fuck you was not only one of the finest punk rock debut LPs of the time, it set the stage for one of the greatest punk albums period.

Play it again: “Made to be Broken,” “God Not God,” “Death Wish Kids”
Skip it: Nothing

1. Feel the Darkness (1990)

Poison Idea’s third full length is obviously their best for one reason: we say so. Heralded as a masterpiece by anyone with earholes, this album is still vastly underrated somehow. Thank Christ this ranking is about to change all that! Pig Champion puts in overtime at the riff factory, but it’s his melodic chops that really shine on anthems like “Taken by Surprise.” “Just to Get Away” shows Jerry A. elevating his point-blank lyricism to gritty, poetic storytelling. And thanks to a little-known local band from Texas called Pantera covering “The Badge” for an even lesser-known film “The Crow,” this introduced most people to Poison Idea without even realizing it was their song. That’s cool. Poison Idea probably didn’t realize it was their song either during this most debaucherous period in their career. Need another name drop? Kurt Cobain loved this album. And look where that got him!

Play it again: All of it
Skip it: None of it

Honorable mention: Mating Walruses (Live video) (1993)

We can’t imagine any band wanting to go on after Poison Idea. What else could anybody possibly bring to the stage that they didn’t already leave up there, if there’s even a stage left. Blood. Buttcheeks. Firebreathing. Riffs. Know what? F this list. If you want the full meal deal Poison Idea, skip everything we’ve just ranked and go directly to this beautiful mess of a live compilation.

Scream Queens Ranked by How Bad We Want Them Fronting Our Band

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s the Halloween season and we at The Hard Times are getting our novelty horror screamo band Suscreamia back together! Well, almost. As many of you are aware lead vocalist Trent Killtower was kicked out of the band last year for doing a bunch of male lead vocalist stuff, and has not been invited back.

In an effort to avoid hiring another singer whose girlfriend needs a fake ID to see us play, we’ve decided to go with a female vocalist! Unfortunately Trent, for all of his many, many flaws—sexual misconduct, drug addiction, and dog fighting to name a few—was incredibly good at screaming. He’s left some big shoes to fill and we can’t trust our screaming to an amateur. It has to be someone with the power, intensity, and stamina to mask the fact that we’re not terribly good musicians. That’s why we’re going back to our horror roots and recruiting a scream queen to take his place!

It’s been a long, rigorous process but we’ve narrowed it down to these 37 candidates. Only one will be invited to join the most prominent horror-themed novelty screamo band in the entire South Baltimore region, playing as many as three gigs a year and netting nearly a dozen drink tickets and maybe even a little gas money. Let’s see who makes the CUT! Get it? Cut? Cause, horror?

37. Sigourney Weaver

Probably the best actor on the list but her scream isn’t quite there. Plus she sort of seems like she could kick our asses, which was a big part of the problem with our last singer.

36. Jennifer Tilly

Not exactly known for her singing voice.

35. Lupita Nyong’o

With “Us,” “Little Monsters,” and the Quiet Place prequel under her belt, Lupita Nyong’o can officially add “scream queen” to her growing and impressive list of accolades. Unfortunately, she’s tied up with Marvel, and we highly doubt her morality clause will let her replace a singer who is facing sexual harassment charges from employees at three different Wendy’s.

34. Jennifer Love Hewitt

Just to be safe we’re going to avoid any female lead singers with “Love ” in the name.

33. Jenna Ortega

Aubrey Plaza – integrity = pass.

32. Linda Blair

They wouldn’t even give her a speaking part in the new Exorcist movie, she can’t be easy to work with.

31. Roxanne Kernohan

Who could forget her performance as White Hooker in “Angel 3?” Apparently a lot of people.

30. Anya Taylor-Joy

We would never have another productive practice again, we would just spend the whole time telling her how much we loved “The Menu.”

29. Toni Collette

She’s an amazing talent and she’s given us one of the greatest, most haunting screams we’ve ever heard, but we’re worried we would need to show her a headless child’s body before every song to get her there and that sounds like a lot of work.

28. Sheri Moon Zombie

Some of you might cry “nepotism” but there are two things to keep in mind.
1. If fucking Rob Zombie isn’t hard work, we don’t know what is.
2. Sheri is a great horror movie actress.
She’s a little more on the creepy giggly side than the screamy side, but giggle-core is sure to become a thing any day now, and as soon as it does she’s the first call we’re making.

27. Fay Wray

The star of the original “King Kong” is an OG queen of scream, and her appearances in “Son of Kong” and “Mighty Joe Young” prove she has no problem 100% committing to a schlocky bit, which goes a lot of way with our Halloween novelty band. She’s 117 years old and very much dead, but you can get around that with computers now.

26. Brinke Stevens

Another scream queen who has definitely done projects less lucrative than singing in a holiday novelty band, but that’s only because people have no taste. “Sorority Babes at the Slimeball Bowl ‘O’ Rama” is a misunderstood MASTERPIECE.

25. Marilyn Burns

Tobe Hooper got some incredible screams out of Marilyn Burns when she starred in “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” Unfortunately upon further review, he got them the same way he got the performances from every other actor in that movie, by actually torturing the hell out of her. We don’t have the heart to lock her in a sweat lodge with a bunch of rotting meat for 16 hours just to “get her there.”

24. Kelli Maroney

Star of such films as “Chopping Mall,” “Night of the Comet,” and the criminally underrated “Scream Queen Hot Tub Party,” Kelli has the pedigree and at least one retro cheerleader costume she stole from set.

23. Sarah Michelle Gellar

Meeting the slayer has been our greatest wish since we hit puberty. Maybe filming so many scenes at The Bronze gave her a touch of the singing bug, and this will be the time she finally accepts our offer to hang out sometime!

22. Asia Argento

Honestly no idea if she can sing or not, but we think it would be pretty cool to be able to say “We’re in a band with the lady who drove Anthony Bourdain insane.”

21. Adrienne Barbeau

It doesn’t get more “scream queen” than being John Carpenter’s ex-wife, plus she’s got one of those IMDB credit pages that’s a mile long from doing voicework so the pipes are still there.

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Support Group Opens For People Who Chronically Listen to the Same 15 Songs

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

BANGOR, Maine. — Local community organizers recently announced the formation of a support group for music lovers who cannot stop listening to the same hour-long playlist, excited sources confirmed.

“It’s been a really underserved community, which I know all too well, as I struggle with this affliction myself,” explained support group co-founder Angela Bernabeo. “We can’t help it. We were born this way. We genuinely want to listen to more music, but we hear the siren call from our go-to playlist of 15 genuine bangers that came out when we were teenagers. It’s like a drug. We may only know three songs from our favorite band, but boy do we know every single word, guitar riff, inhale, and ‘oh yeah.’ But we’d like to evolve.”

The group enlisted the help of local DJ Jeremy Russell to expand their music exposure.

“I didn’t even know this condition existed. It broke my heart when they told me their stories. I knew I had to help. I looked at some of their playlists so I could figure out where they’re at. And honestly, they do slap. I mean, ‘Dance Yrself Clean’ into ‘Heart of Glass?’ That’s inspired,” said Russell. “But I was on a mission and had to stay focused. So I came up with a lesson plan that would help not only expose them to new music, but give them the tools to find it on their own.”

Musicophile Psychologist Daliya Klein offered some more insight on the under-researched phenomenon.

“It’s a surprisingly aggressive condition, not dissimilar to when small children go through a phase where they refuse to watch anything other than ‘Frozen’ for six months,” said Klein somewhat gravely. “However, it’s not impossible to overcome. They can be taught to let go of their musical security blankets. You just don’t want to overwhelm them with choices. You wouldn’t hand them the entire Prince catalog, for example. That might kill them. You have to start slow and be sure to incorporate a lot of positive reinforcement. It seems like this group is in good hands, and I expect many of them will make full recoveries.”

As of press time, It’s been reported that many of the group members, for their assignment to create a new playlist, simply reused their hyperfixation playlist from high school.

So Are We Just Not Going To Address Everyone’s Obsession With Riverdance in the ‘90s?

Posted on by Ben Friedman

In the late 90’s, there was this feeling that after grunge and alt-rock killed the 80’s with extreme prejudice, our parents were left to wonder what they were allowed to like after their music was no longer deemed cool. And there like a candy bar placed under a box being held up by a stick was Riverdance, waiting to prey on their disposable income.

But I really think we should re-evaluate just what the actual fuck happened to make Riverdance the multi-million dollar powerhouse it became because it does not make any sense.

Michael Flatley, the so-called ‘Lord of the Dance’, seemingly came out of nowhere during the ‘94 Eurovision contest to capture the hearts and minds of 40-something boomers who’d clearly seen the ‘Pure Moods’ infomercial one too many times. Fast forward three years and every other commercial is selling the world on Irish step dancing being the biggest dancing sensation since Michael Jackson’s moonwalk.

Mind you this was at the height of alternative rock and (arguably) the best era of hip-hop. And yet people bought enough tickets to sell out shows to watch, rapt in awe mind you, people dance like they’re crushing a sudden cockroach infestation with occasional leaps. I feel like somebody was supposed to make sure Riverdance didn’t take up too big a chunk of the zeitgeist, but was distracted by the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Alas, Pitchfork wasn’t yet powerful enough to stop it.

It was always my assumption that Irish step dancing was just something you did to put on your college application when you weren’t cut out for real dancing. I get that this is a time-honored tradition in Ireland and in a bar setting three whiskeys deep it fucking rules, it’s just that Michael Flatley is from Chicago which made this whole thing seem like he was doing a bit as an excuse to dress like Sigfried and/or Roy.

Don’t tell me it didn’t happen. I saw it happen.

Honestly, the whole country just let Riverdance fever wash over it with absolutely no resistance. Flatley was just leading people into packed out venues like some kind of greased up and shirtless pied piper, and everyone involved in the production made out like bandits too. They were even selling a soundtrack of people stomping for fuck’s sake!

Riverdance lives on believe it or not, and we need to send tickets to some cultural anthropologists and figure out why before it’s too late and it comes back around like another wave of ska.

Lowe’s to Begin Selling 14-Foot Glenn Danzig

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

MOORESVILLE, N.C. — Lowe’s executives announced plans to introduce a 14-foot tall Glenn Danzig ahead of the upcoming Halloween season, confirmed multiple sources following a shareholder’s meeting.

“The runaway success of Home Depot’s 12-foot skeleton caught everyone off guard. We knew we had to respond and that, whatever it was, it needed to be two feet taller,” said Lowe’s CEO Marvin Ellison. “After months of analysis, focus groups, concept testing, and product design, we finally landed on 14-foot Glenn Danzig, and let me tell you, we are excited. What says Halloween more than the guy who wrote the lyrics to ‘Halloween’ and also ‘Halloween II’?”

Local punk, Cara Daniels, is beyond thrilled to purchase a giant Danzig of her own, despite living in an 800-square-foot studio apartment with a roommate who “fucking sucks.”

“I am so stoked for 14-foot Glenn Danzig,” said Daniels. “I never give a shit about the stuff they sell at Lowes, but this is definitely the one exception. Have you heard they’re selling accessories so you can customize your Glenn? You can buy a devilock for Misfits-era Glenn or longer hair for the Samhain/Danzig-era Glenn. Lowe’s is selling leather pants, fishnet tanks, skull belt buckles, and leather gloves too! When this drops, I’m blowing a whole paycheck.”

“And I swear to fucking God, if my roommate ruins this for me, I’m done,” added Daniels. “He’s such a poser—‘Where’s a 14-foot Glenn Danzig gonna fit in our tiny apartment?’ Shut up, dork!”

Alexis Willis, an economist at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, specializes in Halloween economics and is the author of “Big Bones, Bigger Profits: How Home Depot’s 12-Foot Skeleton Changed America.”

“Halloween is a multi-billion-dollar juggernaut and it’s only getting bigger,” said Willis. “So far, Home Depot has been able to dominate in the production and sale of giant seasonal decorations. The 12-foot skeleton was a game changer, and no one has been able to quite catch up. Despite the excitement of some, I doubt giant Glenn Danzig is going to be the type of seller Lowes will need to keep pace with their rival. This is especially true given that Home Depot just announced plans for a 16-foot Danny Marianino.”

At press time, the real Glenn Danzig is still listed as 5’3”.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Trying Not To Panic About Everything

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another week, another slew of new music that you can’t be bothered to listen to. What happened to you? You used to be cool. Well, maybe not cool, but at least acceptable. Your current plummet into societal irrelevancy could be traced back to your refusal to listen to anything that came out after 2005. We get it. It was a great year for music, but it’s time to move on. Here are six new tracks to help get you back on the right track.

Drug Church “Hey Listen”

The long wait is finally over. The only album that has ever mattered in the entire history of music is here. Drug Church’s ‘Prude’ is a masterclass in busting your door down and kicking your shit in. There isn’t a second of this record where the guitars sound like they aren’t actively trying to break out of your headphones and shatter your skull. To avoid cranial injuries, try buying the special edition vinyl from our store and listening on speakers at a safe distance.

Scarab “Tetanus” / “Untitled”

If you’ve been to the office lately, you’ve probably been wondering what all the spackle was about. Well, Scarab released two of the heaviest singles known to man which caused several of our interns to throw their laptops through our cheap and already damaged drywall. If the band decides to release any more music soon, our whole building might be condemned. Needless to say, we’ve decided to wait for an album announcement before repainting.

Coheed and Cambria “Blind Side Sonny”

In case you didn’t already hear about it at your last D&D session, Coheed and Cambria released a new single. ‘Blind Side Sonny’ apparently introduces a new character to the band’s long-running Amory Wars/Vaxis universe. At least that’s what we think our Managing Editor said before we zoned out. All we really know is that it’s the most urgent Coheed has sounded in years.

Cheekface “Flies”

Most of those in our writers’ room cannot do a kickflip and are not on TV. It’s no surprise then that Cheekface’s new single ‘Flies’ seems to be speaking directly to them. Our staffs’ inability to foster real friendships aside, the track is about as fun and catchy as you would expect from the LA trio. And if Greg Katz’s dry and comedic lyricism isn’t enough, listeners are also treated to some excellent baritone sax from Jeff Rosenstock.

34 Trolley “Relaxation”

When the legendary Jersey rockers Screaming Females announced their breakup late last year, many of their fans were worried they would never be able to listen to music again. Fortunately, the band’s drummer Jarrett Dougherty is moving forward with a new solo project. Featuring members of Catbite and Push Ups, 34 Trolley blends elements of 80’s post-punk and disco. If you’ve always wanted LCD Soundsystem to sound less annoying and more punk, this is for you.
Relaxation EP by 34 Trolley

Because we know you’re too despondent to do it yourself, we’ve compiled these and several other questionable tunes into a playlist for you. It’s literally the least we could do. Click here to like, follow, and trick your friends into thinking you’re a tastemaker in the world of punk, indie, hardcore and metal.

In Your Face! I Proved My Old Teachers Wrong by Applying Myself and Still Failing Miserably

Posted on by Carson Kile

Everybody loves a good underdog story, so I thought I’d share mine here. My whole childhood I had teachers tell me how awful of a student I was, how I was wasting my potential, how I would grow up to be nothing but a deadbeat and a loser. Well, I’ve made it my life’s goal to prove those naysayers wrong. I’m an adult now, and I would kill to see the look on their faces when they realize that I’m actually doing much worse than they initially predicted.

My English teacher Mr. Stone always said that I could achieve great things if I only applied myself. Mr Stone, I’ll have you know, I’ve been trying my ass off for years and still have nothing to show for it! Every project I’ve ever sunk my time into, any endeavor I’ve ever signed off on has either failed spectacularly or fizzled out before ever leaving the ground. Bet you feel pretty silly now, don’t you, Mr. Stone? Not to rub it in, but it turns out my failures have nothing to do with a lack of motivation, but a complete absence of talent. Ha! Egg on your face.

My PE teacher Mrs. Gomez once said she’d never seen someone so out of shape in her life, and that flipped a switch in my head that made me say “Fuck you, watch this.” Mrs. Gomez, you’ll be astonished to know that as an adult I’ve worked diligently to increase my Doritos intake by at least sevenfold, and just the other night I finally polished a pint of Cherry Garcia off in one sitting. I can now run out of breath walking to the fridge, when before it would take me anywhere from 1 to 2 flights of stairs.

My history teacher Mr. Lee always said if I didn’t start taking my studies seriously, I would end up flipping burgers after high school. First of all, that’s racist (I’m German), and secondly, I applied to McDonald’s and didn’t make the cut. According to them, I was “wholly unqualified,” a “liability,” and “scary.” Would be pretty tough to flip burgers if I’m not allowed in the kitchen, wouldn’t it Mr. Lee? In fact, I’ve been 86’d from at least 47 different McDonald’s locations across state lines, which is a record that will stay standing for a very long time. Just another way that I’ve made a name for myself while you rot away in some stinking classroom, Mr. Lee.

I like to share my story to teach others that you are never defined by other people’s opinions of you. You CAN be worse, you CAN disappoint your loved ones even more. With enough dedication to never improving, constantly settling, and neglecting your well-being, you’ll surprise yourself with things you only dreamt of under-achieving. Never, ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

Enchanted Bucket Hat Transports Man to Magical World Where ‘90s Never Ended

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

SEATTLE— 42-year-old insurance adjuster Marc Barron was recently whisked away to Pibbapalooza, a magical world in which the 1990s never ended after putting on a mysterious and enchanted bucket hat, various sources report.

“All I did was put this bucket hat on after finding it beneath a pile of old Spin Doctors CDs and promotional Third Eye Blind keychains in this wardrobe at my uncle’s old country manor,” said Barron. “I must have blacked out for a moment, but when I came to, I found myself in this totally gnarly magical world. It’s exactly how I remember everything from the ‘90s when I first met my ex Tabi and before my weird back pain started. There’s Fruitopia and Crystal Pepsi everywhere, internet cafes are on every corner, and this dude with goat legs says I can crash on his couch until the Sister Hazel show later.”

Mr. Toddley, a magical faun wearing a Hootie & the Blowfish t-shirt, was worried about the myriad otherworldly dangers that lay before Barron in Pibbapalooza.

“Marc, this human child, this son of Ad-Rock, is special,” said Mr. Toddley, stroking his soul patch. “He is the first visitor from the human world that we have seen in goodness knows how long, not counting Kurt Loder, who’s constantly checking in. We must protect him from the wicked Ticketmistress, whose monopoly over all things 1990s has oppressed the talking animals, magical beasts, and guys named Chad for too long. He must be the one to help this terrible era of eternal ‘90s finally end. It is always the 1990s here and never even the early 2000s!

“I’ve never even gotten to listen to ‘Hot Fuss,’” said Mr. Toddley, breaking down in tears. “I heard the first half of it is really good.”

Kurkolmak, the regal Furby who reigns as the King of Must-Have Toys and the son of the Monarch-Beyond-the-Mall, had faith in Barron, to a certain degree.

“The day of the Ticketmistress is almost over,” said Kurkolmak. “Her curse of a neverending ‘90s, when the good folk of Pibbapalooza are forced to listen to ‘A Boy Named Goo’ over and over and the economy is good but only because of a tech bubble that’s just about to pop, will be broken. At least, that is what will happen if [Barron] ever gets the fuck off Toddley’s couch. Seriously, I’m beginning to see why he’s so stuck in the past. What a slacker.”

As of press time, Barron had gotten drunk at the Sister Hazel show and was vomiting up Olde English 800 and Turkish delight behind the stage.