Ah, the 1900s! A time before Spotify, YouTube, smartphones, and daily school shootings. A simpler time. A more innocent time! Anyway, let’s get to the last year with “19” at the forefront: 1999 is SO much more than a Prince reference, and was quite a year for rock, roll, heart, and soul outside of the nu metal and boy band movement that took over TRL. We attempted to list the top ten most underrated albums from 1999, and before you yell at us in the comments for being brilliant, albums such as Saves the Day’s “Through Being Cool,” Jimmy Eat World’s “Clarity,” AFI’s “Black Sails in the Sunset,” The Ataris’ “Blue Skies, Broken Hearts… Next 12 Exits,” and other obvious entries are disqualified from mention here; you’re not bigger than this, not better, why can’t you learn?
The Aquabats “The Aquabats! vs. the Floating Eye of Death!”
You know that an album is an extremely serious venture when the band’s actual name is in its title, but Huntington Beach, California’s The Aquabats wouldn’t have it any other way. It has been said that the mid-’90s ska-punk trend effectively died by the end of the ‘90s, and bands associated with porkpie hats and checkerboard slip-ons “needed” to ditch the upstrokes and horns, and embrace more keyboards and outside genre influences. Well, The Aquabats did this in style and a weird as hell unconventional by definition fashion with their third full-length studio album “The Aquabats! Vs. the Floating Eye of Death!” and basically created the best Devo album that the legendary Akron, Ohio band never made. The band would never be the same again with each follow up in the 2000s that distanced themselves more and more from the lampooned “ska” word. Hello, goodnight; sequence erase!
Chevelle “Point No. 1”
Point No. 1: You may give us crap for including Chevelle in this underrated album piece, but the band effectively is a more straightforward version of Tool with much shorter songs, and they do know how to rock. That is not a joke. Point No. 2: Send the pain below if you disagree. Yeah. When a casual rock fan thinks of the Chicago familial three-piece they usually don’t go any further back then the band’s monster radio hit “The Red,” from their major label debut album and sophomore release “Wonder What’s Next,” but the group’s first effort “Point No. 1” deserves your time and attention as well. If you want a further selling point, the record was produced by Steve Albini, and you love the late producer, we all do. In closing, Chicago is so twenty-five years ago.
The Donnas “Get Skintight!”
And now we’re at the point in this piece wherein we wax poetic about the first of two records that would TOTALLY be canceled in 2024: Palo Alto, California’s The Donnas’ third full-length studio album “Get Skintight!” contains a song called “I Wouldn’t Like You Anyway,” and said composition contains this nursery rhyme-esque line, “You thought I would be broken hearted. Maybe I would if you weren’t so retarded!” Different times, different times. More on that later. Well, let’s get to why we included this album here: The Donnas truly came into their own as a hard rock, and not just punk, powerhouse here, which set them up for one more high quality indie release with Lookout! Records, “The Donnas Turn 21,” and eventual mainstream success with “Take It Off” from their major label debut, “Spend the Night”. So, get skintight, and more importantly, get out of my room.
Edna’s Goldfish “The Elements of Transition”
Like we mentioned above, many ska acts tried to distance themselves from the genre around ‘98 and ‘99, and a band called Edna’s Goldfish that you may have never heard of unless you’re a hep hepcat kind of did such by creating one of the better ska-punk/ska-adjacent “The Elements of Transition.” The title is quite an accurate representation of the sophomore full-length studio record in full, even though their debut “Before You Knew Better” was forward thinking and quite vibrant as well. Sadly, “The Elements of Transition” was the Long Island, New York band’s last release before their split just one year later. Happily, the band went on to reunite a few times over the next decade, so we are crossing our fingers for at least one more show or four more days in November.
Farside “The Monroe Doctrine”
Yes, we know, Rage Against the Machine’s Zach de la Rocha played guitar for a short time for Orange County, California’s Farside, but the band deserves much more notoriety for their actual songs, albums, and contributions to the scene at large. Revelation Records is easily one of the more important rock record labels of all time, but for some reason or another, Farside doesn’t get mentioned in the same breath as labelmates Texas is the Reason, Gorilla Biscuits, Youth of Today, and Quicksand. Obviously, we’re here to change that with the mention of Farside’s final record “The Monroe Doctrine,” and we have just one question for you, “What the hell is melodic hardcore anyway?” The world may never know, but it’s definitely better than crying. Also, what’s not to like about a singer named Michael Vogelsang who also goes by “Popeye,” and a band with a song called “Liz Hurley”?
Limp “Guitarded”
Alex, we’ll take an album title that could not exist in 2024 for twenty-four hundred and four dollars, please: San Francisco Bay Area, California’s Limp’s, wait for it, wait for it, “Guitarded”. Now reentering the studio like The Donnas’ more than dated “retarded” reference above, Limp doubled down on offensive depravity with its WTF wheelchair album cover that shouldn’t have been made last century, let alone today… but here we are in 2024 still talking about it. Still, not too many people today discuss any Limp act without the Bizkit, and “Guitarded,” let alone Limp’s entire catalog is WAY too slept on for its own good. Take more than ten minutes to downtown, and enjoy their second of two full-length studio albums for Honest Don’s Records, a subsidiary of Fat Mike of NOFX’s Fat Wreck Chords. Or don’t, poser.
MU330 “Self-Titled”
Even though MU330’s fourth full-length studio album “Crab Rangoon” is admittedly our favorite release from the multi-genre, and yes, ska-adjacent St. Louis, Missouri band, their fifth and self-titled album sits proudly in the silver medal position as a close second, and it came out in 1999, so that explains why we’re squabbling along about it here. It also has to be said that MU330’s vocalist/guitarist Dan Potthast may be on your radar as well as he has worked and toured with your favorite human, Jeff Rosenstock. However, Potthast’s main act just never got their due, and that’s a low down dirty shame. In addition to being an underrated release from ‘99, MU330 is also one of the more underappreciated bands from Mike Park’s Asian Man Records, who also put out releases from Alkaline Trio, Joyce Manor, Big D and the Kids Table, and The Lawrence Arms.
Pilfers “Chawalaleng”
The fact that New York City’s Pilfers’ Mojo Records full-length studio album “Chawalaleng” FINALLY hit DSPs such as Spotify this year after a long void is quite a travesty, but it’s just in time for you to check out this ska, reggae, dub, punk, and every other genre in existence LP. Before we get into more specifics, it has to be said that this one didn’t abandon the upstrokes like so many others before and after it. Pilfers’ frontman is former Toasters vocalist Coolie Ranx, who is a legend in the scene, and he absolutely shredded it on vocals for the group that somehow had a large fanbase yet didn’t connect on a mainstream level. One can blame the label, one can blame the music economy at large, one can blame poor timing, but we blame you and only you… Elevation!
Save Ferris “Modified”
We swear that it’s the last one: This piece contains a hell of a lot of ska and it’s not even ska week anymore. And we know how much you loved ska week. Orange County, California’s Save Ferris’ “Modified,” much like the aforementioned Edna’s Goldfish LP “The Elements of Transition,” actually was an accurate title/genre representation of the great songs that it had. It’s a double-edged sword when a band is known for another act’s music, and Save Ferris had a hit on their debut full-length studio album “It Means Everything” with their cover of Dexys Midnight Runners’ 1980s hit “Come On Eileen,” which despite what you may or may not think, is not a Brazzers reference. However, if you ask a casual Warped Tour fan, even one from the ‘90s, to name ONE song from their follow-up “Modified,” you’ll likely get no love.
Shades Apart “Eyewitness”
Back to another underrated act from Revelation Records to turn this motha out AND close the show to your applause: Bridgewater Township, New Jersey’s Shades Apart released two high quality RR albums for the label, eventually signed with conglomerate Universal Records, and put out “Eyewitness” shortly afterwards. Easily one of the best AND underrated major label rock albums from the ‘90s, and certainly in our Top Eight for 1999, “Eyewitness” had a feature in the movie-film “American Pie” with their single “Stranger By The Day,” which was also on its successful soundtrack, but failed to rise to arena status. The band went on to put out another, albeit worse record at the beginning of the next century for the label, and sadly split up shortly after. It’s hard to top “Eyewitness,” and we posit that if it came out in the mid-’90s the band would still be around today.
There’s nothing I find less emotionally supportive than a narc. While I believe that police dogs can be retrained into productive members of k-9 society, Wolf Cop chose to be a cop in his human form, and you can’t train someone out of being an asshole.
If you’re the type of person who wants a pet werewolf, you certainly don’t want them to be boring and forgettable despite a stellar cast.
In his human form, at the right angle, in the right light, for just a second or two now and then he looks like Michael from “Arrested Development,” but most of the time he looks like a tall baby. It would be way too distracting to soothe my anxiety.
Sure, Reverend Lowe is good at ACTING supportive, at first, but then he gets all preachy and “Come to Jesus.” I can accept an emotional support animal who terrorizes my town with its bloodlust every month, but not one who is a textbook Christian hypocrite on top of that.
Dogs make us feel good because they always act like they love us, but based on his performance as Jacob, I don’t think this dude could sell it even in wolf form. I imagine it would be as if you could see him thinking “I’m wagging my tail now to show my character’s affection.” I don’t have the budget for dog training and acting classes so Jacob is out.
If I get a black and white service animal he’s going to be in beautiful celluloid and he’ll be lit properly, not just shot on digital and lazily de-saturated with fake CGI cigarette burns in the corner of the frame because, awww, he thinks he’s a real movie!
Never get a pet adopted from a video game, sorry, nerds, it just doesn’t work.
Admittedly we’ve never seen these but just going off the trailers, it seems like taking a werewolf from the Underworld franchise as a pet would just be kind of a lot. Seems like it would involve tons of leather and Evanescence songs, it would just be exhausting.
If you need emotional support the last place you should turn is to a teenage goth going through puberty. Everything is all about them. “Do boys like me?” “Am I cool enough?” “Am I a bad feminist if I shave my fur?” What about me Ginger? What about my needs?
As any dog owner knows, when fireworks are going off, suddenly you are the emotional support animal. It’s just part of the deal, and while I’m willing to accept the responsibility for an ordinary K-9 or lycanthrope, these boys have seen combat. I’m not sure I’m equipped emotionally or physically to calm a werewolf with full-blown PTSD. Feels like a blanket wouldn’t quite cut it.
Sure the idea of having Anna Paquin on a leash lifts our mood, but is that psychologically healthy? Probably not.
As a person in need of an emotional support animal I’ve got a mountain of anxieties and insecurities to deal with. I don’t need to add “The MST3k Guys are ripping my dog a new asshole” to my mounting pile of concerns.
I need an emotional support animal that I can trust, not one who’s going to act like my friend only to turn around and air all my dirty laundry on the evening news before turning into a monster. I respect the hell out of Karen White’s journalistic integrity, but if you’re going to be my service animal my emotional well-being needs to come before your big scoop.
My last dog came from a breeder and I never heard the end of it for not adopting from a shelter. Imagine the kind of flack I would get for getting a dog from a Miramax movie. “Do you know how many dogs are euthanized every year? Do you know what Harvey Weinstein did?!”
He’s cute in an offbeat sort of way, like those little weird hairless guys who win best in show now and again.
This would satisfy both my need for a constant cuddly companion and my love of Victorian-period whimsy! I just need to train him to stop reminding me that he’s an allegory for male sexuality every 5 seconds. Do they have classes for that?
You know I feel like we might just get each other? We both have a lot of baggage. Leon was born to a servant girl who had been raped by a crazed prisoner (who was driven to madness after being wrongfully condemned by a sadistic Marquese) and doomed to live as a werewolf because his Christmas day birth was an affront to God. And me? Well, I had a mom who could be very passive-aggressive. Let’s go play some fetch and work out these equally devastating traumas, whaddya say, boy?
There’s nothing cuter than a dog wearing human clothes, and our boy looks snazzy as hell in a Letterman jacket, but he has some behavioral problems. He’s a jumper, you can’t get him off the furniture, and he wants to kill everything in sight. Plus he’s a teenager, so I feel like I would be doing the bulk of the emotional support.
He attempts to turn himself in for murders he committed in his full-moon frenzy, so you know he’s a good boy. Unfortunately, this wolfman famously has nards. I wouldn’t want him to sacrifice his trademark just to be my therapy dog, but an un-neutered male dog can be exceptionally hard to train.
Sure he’s responsible for a series of grizzly murders, but I read that name and all I can see is an adorable montage of us hiking, playing fetch, and doing bath time set to that Warren Zevon song.
Larry Talbot is a stone-cold classic breed, basically the golden retriever of werewolves. My only concern would be that I don’t live in a great environment for this sort of pet. My neighbors are Dracula and Frankenstein, and he’s known to be aggressive towards those types. Maybe if I had a bigger yard and lived next to Abbot and Costello, we could make it work, but until I get my shit together I don’t think it’s a good fit.
It would be cool to have an emotional support animal with superpowers who solves crime. Unfortunately “Wolf Guy” never actually transforms into a wolf, so it would just be me with Sonny Chiba on a leash and that’s bad optics.
In his wolf form he could give me the affection and sense of security I desperately need, and in his human form, he can help me finally get my shitty novel published! He does like to piss on shoes, but that’s a fairly even trade if you ask us! It’s a very bad book.
David is a good boy overall, but I see two major drawbacks. One, his transformation sequence takes like, forever. It’s impressive as hell, but do I really want to sit through it every time I wanna take him out for a walk? Secondly, unlike filmmaker John Landis, David is haunted by the the lives he’s taken.
Perfect! A great dog is like a best friend, but Scott is your best friend who is also a dog. You wanna talk about emotional support? Just look at what happens when Scott struts down the hallway in his adorable Letterman jacket, people just come alive around this dude! He’s just got a super positive energy you want to be around. Plus my name is Styles and I’m always pulling schemes, so really this is a match made in heaven!
Paul Radin is an asshole who tries to trick three enemies from his past into apologizing to him by making them think he and his survival shelter their only hope for salvation from the nuclear apocalypse. When they refuse to apologize and request to leave because he is just that much of an asshole, Radin is driven insane by the revelation that they would prefer to endure a nuclear holocaust than be trapped in a confined space with him. The episode itself is fine overall, but as far as acting challenges go the role of Radin would be a dull slog for a thespian of Nic Cage’s caliber. With the exception of what would undoubtedly be a classic Cage meltdown performance when Radin loses his mind the rest of this episode gives the man little to work with.
Jason Foster is soon to be dead. And to ensure that the self-absorbed fucks that he calls a family really earn their inheritance he makes them all wear grotesque-looking masks, neglecting to tell them that the masks will transform their real faces into facsimiles of their real personalities. As Foster, Cage would add a much-needed sense of “more yelling at my shitty, shitty children” than the episode originally intended. The only deterrent here is that he might also request to wear a mask, which could be more confusing than anything.
Any genie story is like catnip to Nic Cage’s tabby-like persona – and yes that analogy fell apart as soon as I typed it, but much like the incomparable Mr. Cage I have learned to embrace my mistakes. Speaking of mistakes, the main character in this one makes a lot of them as he imagines the different wishes he would ask of the genie (who just so happens to be Grandpa Joe from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”). The third act when Nic Cage pretends to be the President during a UFO crisis and later just takes over being the genie isn’t exactly high art, but something we want to see nonetheless.
Look, we have no intention of slandering the great William Shatner – but the cold hard fact is that Mr. Cage could act the pants off of every character that Shatner ever played. That’s just how good he is. So while in the original episode we’ve got Willy S. chewing the scenery over a fortune teller machine that’s taking him for a ride, in our reimaging Nic Cage somehow convinces the fortune machine that it’s actually the one that’s crazy. Honestly, it wouldn’t take much for him to pull it off.
We really didn’t mean to go back to back with the “Star Trek” cast members in this ranking, that’s just how things shook out. But seriously, how cool would it be to see Nic Cage and George Takei act off of one another? Adding to the fact that this episode is a stark depiction of racial disharmony after wartime you really have something to sink your acting teeth into. Shit, should we just cast Nic Cage in “Star Trek” too? Well, we guess we’ll save that for another list sometime.
When two state troopers stop at a roadside diner to investigate a UFO sighting, paranoia ensues as the occupants speculate wildly as to which of them doesn’t belong. Now, of course Mr. Cage will be playing the role of the alien – but with his subtle facial cues and not-at-all-gargled tone of voice, will you even be able to tell that it’s him?
Once again we have a main character having a complete mental breakdown, but this time it’s because twenty years prior he left a bunch of his navy buddies to rot in a submarine and now their ghosts are back to drag him into a watery grave. You know, PTSD metaphors used to be way less subtle, and really, it’s a point in television history that we could all do with a revisit to. Also, Nic is gonna act the fuck outta this role.
A lone man wanders an abandoned town with seemingly no reason for his solitude and eerie allusions to his situation from the very environment he’s trapped in. Fortunately for Nicolas Cage, screaming about his deranged loneliness in a ghost town is second nature to him. Just look at his most recent arrest after accidentally ingesting bath salts in that derelict pioneer village – it won him an Emmy somehow!
Commander Stansfield is a man in love who also happens to have terrible timing. He’s about to leave Earth for a forty-year space flight which he’ll spend in suspended animation, but, not wanting to have to bang an old lady when he gets back, removes himself from hibernation as she ironically puts herself into hibernation. What would Nicolas Cage do when left to his own devices in outer space for four goddamn decades? We’re going to take the high road on this one and guess he would use that time to perfect his poetry, all of which would be about old boobs and that one dinosaur skull he got sued into returning to Mongolia. Clearly the man’s range does not stop just because the cameras are off.
Nicolas Cage often works best when a scene is wall-to-wall panic with weird xenophobic undertones strewn all throughout. Well in the classic episode “The Shelter” he’ll have no shortage of inspiration as a group of neighbors desperately try to break into his bomb shelter only to then discover that this nuclear false alarm made all of their uninstigated racism somehow even more uncalled for.
What would happen if Nic Cage was a meek little man who suddenly became obsessed with the lives of dollhouse figurines? Actually, wasn’t this already a Nic Cage movie at some point?
Mr. Cage has his choice of meaty roles in this episode. Should he play the stoic, godly leader of a town eradicated by nuclear fallout? Or the desperado-like army officer who tries to seize power and drink radiation-tainted liquor? Or the insane supercomputer who lives in a cave and rules the remnants of humanity like a god? Let the man explore his options!
Though it may seem counterintuitive to have Nicolas Cage play a role where the entire intent behind it is that he’s a character that isn’t allowed to speak, trust us, that energy is going to come out in other ways. And the idea of Nic Cage throwing himself around a glass jail cell, unable to speak, trying to win a bet against an arrogant socialite is exactly what this episode needs.
Edward Hall is convinced that if he falls asleep he’ll die. Why? Well obviously, because “the Cat Girl” is going to make him ride a roller coaster until his heart explodes.Look, this show doesn’t always make the best sense – but if you need an actor to make watchable something that is otherwise incomprehensible gibberish, Nic Cage is the man for the job.
Here we have kind of a difficult episode to approach. A group of petty thieves find a camera that takes pictures of the future. What really makes this a tough situation is that everyone, literally every person in this episode, is fucking stupid.Now we have no reservations that Nicolas Cage is perfectly capable of playing any of the dumbest human beings ever put on film. The real question is, in what ways does this episode improve when even just one of its protagonists is being played with anything other than what we would describe as “rock chomping stupidity.” Our best guess, Nic Cage actually figures out how to replace the film in the camera. Miraculously this is a huge plot point in the episode.