WASHINGTON — President Biden released a series of FDR-inspired fireside mukbangs on TikTok in his latest attempt to win over Gen Z voters, the White House’s official channel confirmed.
“Folks, watch me eat all this squiggly spaghetti. This is going to be a slop fest like you have never seen, Jack,” said Biden, proceeding to loudly slurp udon noodles into his mouth, chew, and swallow without breaking eye contact with the camera. “My team tells me this is called ‘Mack-Bonging’ and that it’s a great way to reach you, fam. So let’s talk about my bold economic plan while I eat some Takis. Boy howdy, these suckers are spicy! Reminds me of a date I went on with a Vietnamese woman back in the ‘60s, she was a real firecracker.”
Harper Layne, the 23-year-old communications strategist who pitched the concept for fireside mukbangs, says the campaign was based on years of extensive personal research.
“I’ve been watching mukbang for like, forever. It’s super calming and for some reason, I just trust people more when they tell stories while eating,” said Layne, who added she first came up with the idea while studying for a 20th-century American history midterm during her senior year of college. “I needed a break after reading about President Roosevelt, so I went on YouTube and watched a video of Nikocado Avocado talking about his sex life while eating a dozen chicken wings covered in Flamin’ Hot Cheetos dust. Then something just clicked! I realized mukbangs could literally be the only way for an out-of-touch octogenarian to reach my generation.”
While each video in the series has garnered millions of views within hours of release, a Gen Z focus group convened by the Brookings Institution suggests they may be doing more harm than good.
“Um, these are honestly cringe as fuck,” said one 18-year-old participant, quickly flicking from video to video after only watching a few seconds of each. “This dude is like a million years old right? I don’t care if he’s the president of the United States, I’m not messing up my algorithm by watching some Boomer with dentures mansplain stuff while eating mochi. If you keep making me watch these I’m gonna write in Harambe on my 2024 election ballot—I’m deadass serious no cap.”
At press time, Vice President Kamala Harris was overheard discussing plans to launch a jewelry shop on Etsy that sells crystals charged with Democratic energy.
You’ve heard the excuses, and you know the promoter has the money because he took a merch cut. Don’t worry though, he’s not going to let you walk out of here empty-handed. Here are 10 things the promoter can pay you in that isn’t cash.
Your Stolen Bike
Make no mistake, this is absolutely your bike that was stolen two weeks ago. The Promoter insists that he’s had this bike for years though, and that you must have good taste. It might not be a bad idea to run outside real quick and make sure your gear trailer is still attached to the van.
Bootleg Clerks 2 VHS
This might have been worth something in 2006, but the movie’s been out for years now, and you or someone you know probably owns an actual copy of the DVD. He doesn’t understand why that matters though. This one is “special” (he recorded it himself), and insists that it’s “probably worth a lot.”
Mystery Meat
He thinks it’s pork, but it might be horse. Or something else. Whatever it is, he claims it tastes great, and there’s a lot of it. It’s in the basement deep freeze if you want to go take a look at it.
Seeds
You’ve probably been offered drugs by promoters before, but like, actual drugs, not seeds to grow them yourself. He swears it’s “good shit.” In fact, you should be so honored to be offered the seeds from his signature strain. Looking closely at the bag there are some sesame and poppy seeds in there. There’s a chance this is just everything bagel seasoning.
The Nuclear Codes
Supposedly a “friend of a friend of a friend” went to Mar-A-Lago, came back with these, and gave them to him. They’re written on a napkin, but it’s a McDonald’s napkin, so who knows, they could be real. While they probably aren’t, it might not hurt to tell somebody about this, just in case.
Kohl’s Cash
He doesn’t know exactly how much he has because it’s actually his wife’s, but he’s pretty sure it’d get you at least one new outfit. You’ll have to wait though, because he and his wife are fighting right now and so it isn’t a good time for him to ask her for it. You could use a new sweater, after all.
Whatever Is In His Pocket
He’s not going to outright give it to you, but if you can guess correctly it’s yours. You only get one guess though, not three. We’re not sure what kind of Bilbo Baggins bullshit he’s trying to pull, but whatever it is probably isn’t worth it anyway.
Live Snake
This breed of snake “isn’t exactly street legal” in the United States, but he insists it’s been doing a great job with the venue’s rat problem. The green room would say otherwise. He doesn’t keep the snake at the venue though, it’s at his friend Mike’s house, so you’d have to drive across town with him to check it out.
Porno Mag With Some Of The Pages Stuck Together
Look, it’s not cum, ok? Let’s just put it this way, this thing is, uh, well loved. It’s all wrinkled up, and the pages make a horrible crinkling sound when he turns them to show you the women featured in it. He makes it a point to claim that the women he’s slept with are actually way hotter.
The Gift Of Friendship
It’s pretty clear that you aren’t getting any money, and he’s run out of items to offer you. But he’s free this Saturday if you want to hang out. You have to drive though, because his license is suspended. As enticing as this offer is, maybe it’s best to just cut your losses and go home.
Metallica have cemented themselves as one of the greatest heavy metal bands of all time, despite their best efforts to undermine that standing with some questionable mid-career releases. The fact that a handful of lousy albums wasn’t enough to destroy their legacy speaks to the indelibility of their best work. Here is the Hard Times’ definitive ranking of all of Metallica’s studio albums.
10) St. Anger (2003)
Much of St. Anger was recorded on a Tiger Electronics Talkboy due to producer Bob Rock selling his recording gear to pay off his staggering gambling debt. The resulting cut-and-paste ProTools riff salad has rightfully been the subject of much derision. The star of the show is Lars Ulrich’s snare drum sound, which works best as a conceptual art piece that interrogates the idea of “What even is music, anyhow?”
Play It Again: “Frantic” I guess.
Skip It: “All Within My Hands”. They stuck this nearly nine minute stinker at the end for a reason.
9) Reload (1997)
You know your neighbor with the truck nuts and Punisher skull tat? This is his favorite Metallica album. Fans hoping for a return to Metallica’s classic thrash roots were turned off by the continued Godsmack-ification of the band. However, people who had waited six long years to hear the next chapter of the “Unforgiven” song cycle rejoiced.
Play It Again: The opening minute of “Devil’s Dance” might make you think you’re listening to 70s Judas Priest.
Skip It: The languid dirge “Carpe Diem Baby”—unless your Ambien prescription has run out.
8) Load (1996)
This is absolutely the best Metallica record to feature blood and cum on its cover. Load instigated a long-running debate among fans: Did the band start sucking because they cut their hair, or did they cut their hair because they started sucking? Compare this album’s average BPM of 118 to Ride the Lightning’s 166 to get a feel for the slog you’re in for.
Play It Again: “2 X 4” is a pretty enjoyable pass at Kyuss-style desert rock.
Skip It: “Mama Said”, unless you’re a sadist who just has to know what countrified butt-rock sounds like.
7) Death Magnetic (2008)
This course-correcting album was a refreshing return to real production quality after St. Anger’s dismal democore digression. It is, however, so over-compressed that its waveform looks like a stick of butter. Having shed the Wormtongue-like influence of producer Bob Rock, the band seems revitalized—they even let Kirk Hammett play solos again. Plus, Hetfield always sounds best when he’s properly pissed off.
Play It Again: “All Nightmare Long” features some of their best chugging in ages.
Skip It: “The End of the Line” for cribbing a riff from Pearl Jam’s “Animal”.
6) Metallica (1991)
The so-called Black Album is fucking sick when you’re 14, sneaking butts behind the Mobil station and have never heard any of Metallica’s earlier albums. The tepid hard rock sound that would characterize the next decade of their career shows up for the first time here, but there’s still just enough metal bleeding through to make it matter. The balls on these guys to release a black album cover just seven years after “This is Spinal Tap” is pretty impressive.
Play It Again: “Holier Than Thou”
Skip It: “Don’t Tread on Me” because now it just makes me think of those snake flags that have been appropriated by MAGA fascists.
5) Hardwired… to Self-Destruct (2016)
The band hasn’t sounded this vital and urgent in years, hearkening back to their early work, yet injecting enough innovative ideas to sound fresh. In order to channel the anger of their earlier work, producer Greg Fidelman told the band to think about how much they’d owe in capital gains taxes that year. Unfortunately, Kirk Hammett lost his phone containing hundreds of song ideas before the band convened to write the album, so who knows what riffs we missed out on. Maybe that dope should’ve shelled out a few bucks a month for iCloud.
Play It Again: “Atlas, Rise!” is a proper old-school thrash epic.
Skip It: “Am I Savage?” just makes me want to listen to the superior “Am I Evil?” instead.
4) Kill ‘Em All (1983)
With their debut album, Metallica managed to perfectly blend the evil riffs of NWOBHM with punk’s frenetic energy. If you’ve spent any time around a bassist, chances are you’ve suffered through them showing you they can play “(Anesthesia) – Pulling Teeth” when clearly they can’t. In the pursuit of authenticity, photographer Gary Heard allegedly had to bludgeon several unfortunate drifters to death with a mallet before getting that perfect cover shot.
Play It Again: “Jump in the Fire”
Skip It: “Hit the Lights”. The music rules, but songs about how much you rock don’t belong on debut albums.
The last truly great Metallica album is also the last to feature contributions from late bassist Cliff Burton, but that’s probably just a coincidence, right? The band did new bassist Jason Newsted dirty not only by burying his musical contribution in the mix, but also by drawing dicks on his face when he’d fall asleep on the tour bus.
Play It Again: “Blackened”
Skip It: “To Live is to Die” is a nice tribute to Burton, but acts as a speed bump in the albums’ sequencing.
Check out all the Metallica gear we have in our store, buy a shirt for your dad.
2) Master of Puppets (1986)
Your zoomer niece loves the titular song due to Stranger Things, but couldn’t be bothered to listen to the rest of this masterpiece of an album. Come to think of it, why did Eddie Munson have to play guitar standing on the roof of the trailer, when he and Dustin could’ve just run cables up to the speakers and stayed safely inside? This amazing collection of metal bangers also features the band’s dopest instrumental, “Orion”.
Play It Again: “Welcome Home (Sanitarium)”
Skip It: “The Thing That Should Not Be.” The band is more effective when dealing with themes of mental torment rather than cosmic horror.
1) Ride the Lightning (1984)
Coming in at number one is Metallica’s triumphant sophomore album, showcasing the band at their technical and creative peak. I’d hate to be accused of gatekeeping, but if you’ve never sped down a desolate highway in the middle of the night after “borrowing” your grandmother’s ‘87 Pontiac Grand Am, blasting “Trapped Under Ice” and burning your arm with a cigarette to stay awake, I’m not sure you can call yourself a Metallica fan.
BINGHAMTON, N.Y. — Local punk Chaz Long used very creative accounting techniques when he wrote off his support for his scene as a charitable donation on his tax forms this year, several sources report.
“I think if anyone gets a tax break for supporting this city’s scene, it should be me,” Long explained before Googling worst case scenarios in the event you get audited. “Sure, I make little to no money, so it’s hard to support the scene monetarily, but I do sneak into shows whenever I’m lucky enough to bum a ride. And let’s not forget about all the charitable cigarettes I’ve donated to people in need in this scene. That’s got to be equivalent to giving to UNICEF. Either way, the IRS better not garnish my returns again this year.”
Longtime friend Rachel Evos was called upon by Long once again to help with his taxes this year.
“Chaz is so full of shit,” Evos explained while crunching some numbers. “Every time I hear him talk about anything remotely related to the punk scene, it’s usually about how good it used to be back in the day or about how some venue that no longer exists had an awesome Taco Bell next to it. As a matter of fact, he should be audited for lying about scene support. He would probably owe years worth of back taxes on drink tickets alone.”
IRS agent Richard Doyle weighed in on the subject of phony scene tax write-off cred.
“You would think punks would brush up on their local tax codes from time to time,” Doyle explained. “In fact, the whole tax write-off thing for charity is all bullshit in general. Cancer research, St. Judes, GoFundMes, etc. I think people just try to get brownie points with the government for adding all that nonsense on their tax forms. Little do they know that giving to charity isn’t going to make us want your money any less. If anything, it means we know you have more to give to us.”
At press time, Long decided to also write off a recent tattoo he got as a work expense citing his job as a member of a D-Beat band.
Think A.I. can’t write like a human? Think again. Not only can it write like a human, but it can also write like me. In fact, the app Inspira is using artificial intelligence right now to write this article in my exact style, just like it did when it wrote and sent that weird text to my coworker last night. Here’s how it works!
First, Inspira analyzes previous samples of your work, gathering a sense of your unique vocabulary, phrasing, and voice. Then you enter a subject and other parameters to help it form a structure. Or…in the case of last night, the A.I. simply takes over your phone and, without any input, launches an unhinged correspondence at 2:43 a.m. that in no way relates to you, the three Ambien you took, or really misreading an invite to trivia night that was apparently sent to the whole department.
You don’t have to be a techy (or even a writer) to use this tool. In minutes, you can send off polished copy that looks professionally written. Of course, all technology has its glitches, which must be what happened when it texted Greg in accounting that I’ve got a trivia night at my place, before asking which lady has two thumbs and a multi-jet tub with his name on it.
Artificial intelligence works by pulling from a vast network of sources, allowing it to learn human-like composition. We may never know what deranged reference material it pulled from to craft that text, but what’s important is that we all know it was not me. That’s just a thing A.I. is capable of, and did, last night specifically.
The potential applications for this technology are endless. It can draft apology letters, write emails to H.R., or even update your resume. Will A.I. ever replace the need for human proofreading? Clearly not, or it would have deleted those messages after reviewing them with fresh, horrified eyes.
OKLAHOMA CITY – Local punk band Extreme Rash’s recent basement show abruptly went dark after the singer’s grandmother absentmindedly turned on her tea kettle during their set and overloaded the electrical panel, according to angry musicians squatting at her home.
“I’ve told her a million times, don’t turn the kettle on if we’re performing downstairs. I know she’s basically deaf, but she should know that when random people are getting drunk in the kitchen it probably means we have a show going on,” stated 37-year-old frontman Jerry Spikes as he devoured another meal that his grandma had prepared. “When I agreed to be her roommate I made it clear that she wasn’t supposed to turn on the kettle, open the fridge, or turn on any lights while we played because the circuit breakers couldn’t handle it. I was so embarrassed to tell everyone that we couldn’t continue because someone can’t follow simple instructions. And she didn’t even make a pie for this show, which is bullshit.”
Showgoer Kristine Skinner described what happened after the lights went out.
“At first we were pissed but whatever, shit happens,” replied Skinner. “We tried to be pretty chill about it, which is something I can’t say about the lead singer who threw a fit at this sweet old lady who came down to check to see if everyone was okay. She was in tears apologizing and said she wasn’t sure why the breakers blew, especially since she left money for her grandson to take care of the problem months ago. What a fucking dirtbag.”
Local electrician Brett Lucas stressed the importance of updating your wiring if using your basement as an illegal music venue.
“If you decide on having an unauthorized concert space, you’d better make damn sure your electrical box can handle the extra load,” described Lucas. “Most of these unlicensed shows are basically deathtraps when you realize it’s a bunch of dirty punks in charge of everyone’s safety who’d rather steal their grandparent’s social security checks than pay an electrician to get rid of all their knob and tube wiring. In addition to upgrading your panel, I also recommend finding an exterminator to get rid of any unwanted vermin that have infiltrated your house looking for food and shelter who can easily start eating the insulation on the copper wires, then stealing the copper. Don’t take this lightly, punk infestations are nasty.”
At press time, the band was setting up in the garage when the roof, which Spikes also promised to get fixed, caved in and buried the punks alive.
If you’re a fan of “American Horror Story,” ”Nip/Tuck,” or “Dahmer – Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story,” then keep reading!
Acclaimed writer, director, and producer Ryan Murphy sat down with us for an EXCLUSIVE interview about his highly anticipated upcoming HBO series, “Sexy Gay White Murder Orgy.” Check out the transcript below to hear what you can expect from this exciting new show, which Murphy says is a “totally different direction” than anything he’s ever done before!
Ryan Murphy: Thanks for having me.
The Hard Times: Of course, our pleasure. Let’s get right into it. What inspired your new show?
RM: Money, ha! Just kidding, my agent said I should stop saying that. But actually, if you know my work, you’ve seen how I push boundaries. Nothing is what it seems. Everyone has a secret or vice (or two or three). I aspire to tell stories that capture the real human experience, with all its gritty imperfections. People relate to that.
“Sexy Gay White Murder Orgy” follows a group of attractive gay twinks who all happen to be white as they systematically slaughter the local government of a fictional New York suburb because the mayor banned drag performances. Their bloodlust also turns into real lust: The twinks take lots of breaks from murdering to have giant sex bacchanalias every episode. It’s a poignant political satire if you really think about it, but don’t think about it too hard. Also the main character is played by Evan Peters.
THT: Sounds…interesting. What makes this different from your other recent work?
RM: Well for one, we’re showing way more dick this time. HBO gave us the green light to go full on “Game of Thrones” levels of naked and then some. This show is going to make “Euphoria” look like “Saved By The Bell” by comparison.
Also, with this show we got kind of…experimental. By that I mean Sarah Paulson is playing three different roles in one season. Isn’t that fun? She’s a journalist investigating the murders, a detective trying to solve the murders, and the town’s mayor! Just wait until you see the season finale. You’ll never guess what happens in a million years.
THT: Wouldn’t dream of it! Last question: Who do you think should win an Emmy for their performance in “Sexy Gay White Murder Orgy?”
RM: Well, like usual I cast tons of conventionally hot white guys in the main roles. So I’m going to say either Evan Peters, Jonathan Groff, Finn Wittrock, Matt Bomer, Zachary Quinto, Matthew Morrison, Billy Eichner (probably not though), Neil Patrick Harris, John Stamos, David Corenswet, Dylan McDermott, Max Greenfield, or Cheyenne Jackson.
Or one of the other cast members whose names escape me right now! They’re all great. I made “POSE” by the way, so I’m definitely not racist. Don’t put that last part in the interview.
WASHINGTON — Recently declassified documents outlining various so-called “enhanced interrogation” techniques used by the CIA during the War on Terrorism years reportedly included the use of isolated Fat Mike vocals at ear-aching volumes.
“After trying out a variety of bands and artists from genres ranging disco to grindcore we found that Fat Mike’s vocal range, or lack thereof, made for a perfect storm of aural torture,” stated an anonymous CIA field agent. “Waterboarding, sticking slivers of metal under toenails, none of it worked. But we play 30 seconds of Fat Mike and those detainees started opening up real fast. Originally, it was just a NOFX track but the detainees kept finding ways to find the value of the music. Especially El Hefe’s multi-instrumental talents and catchy riffs.”
“Fat” Mike Burkett says he was completely unaware the United States government was using his music to violate human rights.
“I only found out that something was fishy when I kept getting pretty good-sized royalty checks at the Fat Wreck Chords office. I thought maybe it was some influencer or foreign television show that made our revenue skyrocket,” said Burkett. “I was half-right, it was overseas, but it was being used to torture suspected terrorists at different black sites. From what I gather they got lots of confessions around ‘Pump Up The Valuum’ because that’s usually when the royalties start to dive again. My sex dungeon was completely funded by the CIA, which makes everything that goes on down there even more fucked up.”
Fullerton College Political Science professor and torture expert, Harry Verga, was one of the first to read through all the documents outlining the use of Fat Mike’s vocals.
“These reports revealed what a lot of whistleblowers had been saying for years. The CIA was engaged in illegal operations to extract information from perceived enemy combatants,” said Verga. “While using the Fat Mike vocals resulted in an impressive rate of verified confessions buried deep hundreds of pages in the classified documents are earlier trials where they used Cokie the Clown tracks too much less success as the detainees kept asking ‘What is this?’ and ‘Is this supposed to be some sort of joke? Is it like a character or something?’”
At press time, the CIA was under fire for allegedly forcing prisoners in Guantanamo Bay to play in Avenged Sevenfold cover bands against their will.
How a piece of music is presented is, arguably, of even greater importance than the song itself. A great song can be amazing. But a great album is transcendent. A truly great album goes beyond the individual songs themselves, transforming a loose collection of music into a narrative that makes the whole become far greater than the sum of its parts. So you can call this mix “just a playlist of Taco Bell commercials” all you want, but it’s still the best punk comp anyone’s put together in years.
Taco Bell has managed to do what Fat Wreck Chords, Hellcat, Hopeless, and countless others have failed to do for well beyond the last decade: compile at least two good punk songs in a row. Well, “punk-adjacent” if we’re holding accountable some of the greatest alternative record labels of all time and also Taco Bell, which of course, we should.
Let’s get this out of the way. Yes, these are Taco Bell commercials. Yes, there are voiceovers. Yes, the songs are played in six-second snippets. But, again, this is still the best punk comp since Give ‘Em The Boot Volume 2.
But just listen to these songs! There’s that one by Turnstile that many consider to be the second-best rock song of 2023, behind Brandi Carlile’s mosh pit-inducing “Broken Horses” of course. That absolute banger is followed up by easycore revival’s “Meet Me at the Altar.” Plus the Taco Bell commercial is easily the best version of that song since it doesn’t have a trace of Fueled By Ramen’s “Hello, fellow kids” style of marketing.
After that, the playlist is mostly a compilation of the best Taco Bell commercials featuring that chihuahua from the 90s, any of which could easily double as an intro track on a NOFX record. Sure, it’s not as comprehensive as the punk comps we had growing up but at least with this playlist you don’t have to sludge through a slew of awful b-sides and side projects.
The local scene gave a lot to me growing up so I try to give back. I volunteer at the skatepark and I donate to all the Gofundmes and Kickstarters I can afford, but I’m always looking for new ways to contribute. Anyway, I was listening to SiriusXM 1st Wave and heard “Take the Skinheads Bowling” by Camper Van Beethoven and that seemed like a fun DIY Big Brothers/Big Sisters thing. Well, now I’m banned from the Milford Family Fun Center and looking back I should have seen this coming.
When I pulled up to the Milford Family Fun Center I saw a couple of Vespa scooters covered with Oi band logos and too many rearview mirrors. As I approached the front door, I found them blaming each other for giving skinheads a bad name.
Things got worse at the shoe rental. The very idea that they would have to leave their precious boots as collateral for bowling shoes made them furious. I suggested maybe they leave one boot and keep the other with them. Somehow that worked. Unfortunately, I had forgotten how important the color of shoelaces is to skinheads. I suggested just swapping out the laces but “Lace Code” is apparently a sacred text. After several violent minutes, I learned black laces are fine with everyone.
Next up was the snack bar. One skinhead named “Porky” demanded they put the Tottenham/Newcastle match on, but the bowling alley’s cable service did not carry English Premier League soccer. Meanwhile, another fella named “Rook” was demanding a proper pint of Guinness. I intervened, explaining they only had Guinness in the cans and if he wanted a pint, it would have to be from what they had on tap. He replied “True skins only drink stout!” as he begrudgingly chugged the can. The lone female skin, “Dinah,” was the most manageable, as she just stood in the corner, obsessively flicking a lighter.
Once we got to our lane, I attempted to get to know everyone. Turns out they were all on parole. Dinah for arson, Porky for kicking someone with a spiked book, and Rook for attacking someone with a machete in the parking lot of this very same bowling alley. That’s when I decided we’d only bowl one frame and end it.
But the second I turned to roll my ball, all hell broke loose as all the skinheads began attacking each other over who was the most “skin.” I’m not sure if that’s even a thing but they were pretty wasted at that point. Plus, this group didn’t have the tightest grip on logic to begin with, so I kept my mouth shut.
I tried to keep the other bowling patrons and staff out of the fray as Porky and Rook tried to shove one another’s head into the ball return. I broke them up as they threatened to finish the job once “their boys” got there. Behind me, I saw the league trophy case up in flames, with Dinah using shoe spray as an accelerant.
In the aftermath, each of them pointed to me as the responsible party so now I’m banned for life and was fined $19,000. So much for giving back to the scene.
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