Music News: British Boyband Icon Claims Taylor Swift Performs Satanic Rituals

Music News: Taylor Swift has been accused of performing ‘satanic rituals’ during her live shows by former Boyzone member Shane Lynch.

Speaking to The Sunday World, he noted “When you’re looking at a lot of the artists out there, a lot of their stage shows are Satanic rituals live in front of 20,000 people without them realising and recognising. You’ll see a lot of hoods up and masks on and fire ceremonies.

“Even down to Taylor Swift — one of the biggest artists in the world — you watch one of her shows and she has two or three different demonic rituals to do with the pentagrams on the ground, to do with all sorts of stuff on her stage. But to a lot of people, it’s just art and that’s how people are seeing it, unfortunately.”

Read More: Bands Like Propagandhi: Who To Listen To If You Love The Punk Legends

Music News: Taylor Swift Accused of Satanic Rituals

As of writing, the multi-platinum-selling artist/potential satan worshipper has not responded to these accusations.

It is unlikely that she will be responding, as she is currently on The Eras Tour. We will however reach out to her management for comment.

Read More: Bands Like NOFX: Who To Listen To If You Love The Punk Legends

The Hard Times Real News: If there was a cover band called Slayer Swift that did Swift songs as Thrash Metal and Slayer songs as pop ditties I would be into that

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out.

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my site FightFans.

Read More: Metallica Album Covers Ranked (From Worst To Best)

Friend Watching “90 Day Fiancé” Getting Pretty Liberal with the Term “Docuseries”

ALBANY— Local man Rudy Foster is getting pretty loose with the term “docuseries” after using it to describe his favorite reality television show “90 Day Fiancé,” fed-up sources confirmed.

“How dare they accuse me of only watching TLC trash. I saw the original ‘Catfish’ documentary in theaters! I even asked Nev to explain the ‘catfish’ metaphor again during the Q&A. This was back when MTV just didn’t play music videos,” said Foster. “It’s not my fault all of this high-quality documentary content is being turned into streaming series now. I remember when ‘The Queen of Versailles’ won a Sundance award. So just because the docuseries sequel landed on Discovery+, it’s suddenly below everyone? I’d say finally learning about their residential Benihana kitchen is the best storyline to date!”

Lucy Conrad, a longtime friend, isn’t buying this documentary snobbery.

“Maybe Rudy watched one David Attenborough docuseries ten years ago, but the last time I checked, his TV home screen was nothing but ’90 Day’ spinoffs. And I think it’s getting worse,” said Conrad in a worried tone. “We’ve noticed he’s been talking about Bret Michaels a lot recently. And I think that can only mean one thing: he’s rewatching ‘Rock of Love.’ Why else would someone suddenly bring up a conspiracy theory about how his hair is attached to his bandana? Yesterday, he went on a depressing tangent about how hard it must be for two people wearing cowboy hats to make out.”

Banks Robertson, a veteran documentarian, isn’t so upset about the changing entertainment landscape.

“Look, man, I don’t care what you call it. I’d never made a red cent from my work. When I started, it was hopping vans, traveling the country, and interviewing quirky characters along the way. Sure, I got a ton of praise for my documentary about the lives of urban explorers, but it also left me in massive debt,” said Robertson. “I couldn’t care less if you wanna watch reality shows now. Thank God someone out there will pay me to hold a camera. If I just agree to follow around much worse people, TLC will pay enough to partially fund my next project. One for them, one for me, I say. Well, more like 48 for them, half of one for me.”

At press time, Foster was overheard arguing that technically, the Deftones are a lot more “experimental art rock” than “nu metal.”

Meet the Nepo Baby Who Beat the Odds by Achieving Nothing

While the music scene surges with nepo babies, one musician breaks the mold. Meet Graham Miller, a 26-year-old artist who defied the insurmountable odds by achieving nothing despite abundant connections and wealth.

Graham comes from a distinguished film family led by his Academy Award-winning father, George Miller. At first, the musician took the common approach of the rich and well-connected: choosing to simulate poverty.

“People love an underdog, so I kept my background under wraps.” Still, the musician revealed the substantial investments made on his behalf behind the scenes—singing lessons, top-tier equipment, professional management, and extensive marketing—all of which seem to have been in vain.

Former classmates, however, tell a different story. One recalled “Oh we all knew. He’d start namedropping within the first 5 minutes of meeting him.” Another stated: “Playing coffee shops is cool, but then you find out who his dad is and it’s like wow, he should be doing way better than he is.”

He eventually tried to lean into it, desperately leveraging his father’s status. “I thought, you know, maybe the fact that my dad directed “Babe 2: Pig In The City” might come in clutch. I mean, who didn’t like “Babe?”

The musician stated that while it was disheartening to exhaust every industry connection at his disposal and still come up short, it proves that privilege and class matter far less than people think.

Still, this doesn’t explain the fact that many of his peers have been able to use their connections to their advantage– In a music industry where nepotism is often scrutinized, these so-called nepo babies tend to defend themselves by claiming the business is a meritocracy. “I resent that because, like, what about me? No, it’s gotta be something else.”

In Graham’s perspective, If individuals from different financial backgrounds can find success in the music industry “There seems to be an intangible, inherent quality crucial for creating great art that transcends class. And if I can’t use my dad’s money to buy whatever that is am I really all that privileged?”

Crust Punk Siphons Gas for the Flavor

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local Crust Punk Jonas “Spleege” Johnson was recently released from county jail after explaining to authorities he was only siphoning that gas for its exquisite flavor, multiple sources confirmed.

“I don’t see anything wrong with having a little tasty fun. Once the sun sets and my shit-covered black leather jacket is veiled by the dark of night, it’s gas-sucking time,“ said Johnson, while somehow still reeking of cigarettes despite being drenched in gasoline. “I’d put the gas in my own car, but it’s in the shop right now, which is to say it’s beneath an underpass, has zero wheels, and is honestly more of a tent at this point. I just needed an excuse to sneak a little taste of the good shit, or, more accurately, a few sustained gulps like I’m shotgunning a beer.”

PPD Deputy Brunt Miller weighed in on Johnson’s apprehension.

“We’ve arrested this freak like ninety times, but he always gets off scot-free,” said Miller while curiously Googling “ok to drink gas Reddit” in incognito mode. “His defense in court is that no harm has been done because he always leaves a few bucks under the windshield wiper of the cars after he’s finished, and only does it because ‘it tastes like the forbidden elixir of the gods I don’t believe in.’ That line is honestly sick as hell, but it’s getting out of hand. He started doing it to everyone’s cars in the precinct parking lot. It’s like he’s taunting us.”

Former punk and one of Johnson’s victims Gertrude Wilhelm shared a gentler perspective.

“I don’t know, I just think he’s such a sweetie. It reminds me of my punk days. My friends and I would hang out, or I guess live, on the sidewalk next to an abandoned J.C. Penney and boof antifreeze,” said Wilhem nostalgically. “I always have a gas tank ready and waiting in a tree whenever he wants to climb up for a sip. It’s like a bird feeder, if bird feeders were filled with premium high-octane diesel for adult men.”

At press time, Johnson was seen skulking his way onto the tarmac to go after “his white whale,” 747 jet fuel.

Six Songs We’re Listening to This Week While Waiting For Our Parolee To Let Us Know If We Can See Slayer At Riot Fest

Another week, another slew of new music that you can’t be bothered to listen to. What happened to you? You used to have your finger on the pulse, man. In fact, you WERE the pulse. Now look at you. Scrolling through your phone on the couch while a rerun of “The Office” plays in the background for the millionth time. Good god. We’d say it’s depressing, but there has to be a worse and more dramatic word for whatever this situation is.

It’s time to fix yourself, dear reader. Time to shake off the dust from an uneventful period of your time on this Earth and start living again. Because we know this will be hard for you, we’re giving you a head start with some of the best songs we’ve been listening to this week.

Laura Jane Grace “Punk Rock In Basements”

Last week, Laura Jane Grace released her excellent solo album, ‘Hole In My Head.’ After two relatively stripped-down releases, ‘Stay Alive’ and ‘At War With the Silverfish,’ Grace’s latest is a return to form as refreshing as it is electric. Classics abound on this one as the songwriter combines subdued acoustics with more uproarious numbers, never once dialing back the intensity that has come to define her. The unbridled vulnerability of her lyricism shines throughout as one would expect, but you’d be hard-pressed to find a song as nostalgic and aged as ‘Punk Rock In Basements.’

Alcest “L’Envol”

Underground black metal and shoegaze legends, Alcest just announced their seventh album ‘Les Chants De L’Aurore,’ their first since 2019’s ‘Spiritual Instinct.’ The lead single ‘L’Envol’ – which is French for ‘flight’ – skews more heavily toward the duo’s predilection shoegaze, as it’s slow, meandering, and gorgeous arrangement soars over peaks of peaks of fuzzed out bliss before diving into valleys of proggy, dreamy soundscapes. Maybe we’re taking the flight metaphor too far here, but tell us with a straight face that you don’t feel like some sort of chimeric bird while spinning this one.

Too Many Zooz “Nowhere Else to Go”

Every week we bring you the latest in punk, hardcore, and indie. We have a great time doing it, too, but as our Managing Editor pointed out while threatening to publicly release our Google search history on the main page of the site: we rarely bring you fringe, genre-less instrumental jams. It’s not just our embarrassing WebMD search that made us realize she’s right. Enter Too Many Zooz, whose career thus far has seen them transform from New York City subway buskers to overnight viral sensation who collaborate with fucking Beyoncé. Their latest single ‘Nowhere Else to Go’ is a chaotic multi-genre mash-up that will burrow its way into your already decaying brain faster than you can say ‘what the fuck is this?’

MGMT “Dancing In Babylon (feat. Christine and the Queens)”

Your dealer may be out of shrooms again, but he’s definitely picked up a deluxe version of MGMT’s new album ‘Loss of Life’ which finally dropped earlier this week. You didn’t have time to listen since you immediately left upon hearing of the aforementioned stock issue, but it’s still worth a visit. The album marks a return to the band’s experimental forays into psychedelia heard on their divisive sophomore ‘Congratulations’ but with a more theatrical bent. Their latest single, ‘Dancing In Babylon,’ which features Christine and the Queens, plays out like a cast recording from a rejected late ’80s Broadway production. That might not sound like a compliment, but we can assure you we would absolutely watch the hell out of that play if it existed.

Empty Heaven “Hauntology”

San Antonio’s Empty Heaven is crafting some of the most satisfying emo-core we’ve heard in years. Imagine a fictional supergroup composed of members of Say Anything, Cursive, mewithoutYOU, and so on, and it would still be hard to get close to the chaos that permeates the duo’s latest single ‘Hauntology.’ Dissonant guitars fight an impassioned vocal for the spotlight as the metaphorical stage gets smaller and smaller. Things feel increasingly claustrophobic by the track’s end. If by this point you feel like you’ve been through the emotional wringer, we’d have to guess that means the composition had the desired effect, although it’s possible that’s just your MO. We know it’s been a rough couple months for you, it’s okay.

Slayer “Raining Blood”

You may have heard your drunkest and loudest friend screaming ‘SLAAAAAYERRRRR’ earlier this week. This isn’t out of the ordinary for them, so you likely thought nothing of it when it occurred. Turns out, your ol’ chap had a valid reason this time, as the band announced two reunion sets at this year’s Riot Fest and Louder Than Life. This exciting and unexpected announcement definitively proves the old adage: ‘if you miss a legendary band’s final tour, just wait a few years until they run out of money and play Riot Fest.’ To ensure productivity remains a top priority, Hard Times HQ have made both Riot Fest and Louder Than Life PTO blackout days. As a reminder to all employees reading this, ‘blackout’ means you can’t request vacation time, not ‘get pants-pissing drunk at the Slayer show.’

Even though you just said ‘sick, I’ll check it out later,’ we know you better at this point. You have no intention of listening to any of these songs. Admit it. That’s why we created a playlist for you, so all you need to do is click here, and let the tunes roll. We update it every week too, so there’s no excuse not to have better taste from this point forward.

5 Other Things Made for Horses You Can Enjoy While on Ketamine

We all know that ketamine is actually for horses. Well, technically for various veterinary and medical uses, but mostly horses. Still, humans have been enjoying (and not enjoying) the effects of K for decades now. Unfortunately, very few people are aware that other things made for horses can also be fun for humans, especially when your are loaded off of your tits on ketamine.

Here’s a list of the best horse paraphernalia, gear, and accessories to really hone in on your equine side while taking a tranquilizer.

Himalayan Salt Lick Block

These big hunks of pink salt on a rope are…exactly as described. You (or a horse) lick it, and it’s salty. On ketamine, it’s a textural adventure for your tongue! It also provides some minerals and nutrients apparently? You’ll probably need those since you’re deficient in everything except vitamin K.

Horse Grooming Brush

These coarse bristle brushes are sure to hit the spot—just look how much horses love them! Imagine how good it must feel to have someone brush your back as you’re laying face down on the couch incapacitated, staring at the crumbs in between the cushions.

A Saddle

A saddle is the perfect accessory for ket users who are out at a rave or club. Show off your unique sense of style while also not-so-subtly hinting that you want someone to ride you! Will you actually be able to have sex while on this stuff? Not likely. But you can at least lay in bed next to someone with your saddle on and they can, I dunno, wrap their legs around it or something?

A Stable

Picture this: you’re having a good time, but then all of a sudden, you feel a serious k-hole coming on. You’re about to lose connection to the outside world. As you stumble over, you land in something soft. It’s a pile of hay! You’re in your own little enclosure, safe from the elements and free to drool all over yourself. With your own personal stable, you can make this dream a reality. You can even drink from a trough and lick your new salt block!

More Ketamine?

You may not be 1,200 pounds of fur and muscle, but dammit all if more ketamine wouldn’t hit the god damn spot right now! Giddy up!

New Relationship Entered Mostly as Excuse to Rewatch Favorite Movies

ORLANDO, Fla. — Local cinephile Misty Fremonta started seeing a new guy as an excuse to rewatch her favorite films during the “courtship” process, sources confirmed amid the sound of a copy of “Defending Your Life” being popped into the VCR.

“I was a little on the fence about this meathead I was talking to on Hinge. Not really anyone of substance, but handsome enough. Anyway, turns out, he’s so into me that we can basically watch whatever I want when we get together for date nights, so I figure, what the hell – a way to rewatch stuff I’ve seen a million times and feel like I’m being constructive,” said Fremonta, while ignoring a FaceTime from her new paramour. “It’s the perfect excuse. It took him a few Preston Sturges flicks to learn I don’t condone male chatter during viewings, but once he learned to come over, sit on the far end of the couch, and leave shortly after, it’s pretty much been the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in.”

Fremonta’s new suitor is allegedly having a positive experience acquainting himself with the world of film without the burden of physical contact with another human being.

“Oh yeah, I love the movies she chooses. Especially the ones with no color, I’m told those are the ones I’m having the best time watching. I always secretly hope the Three Stooges show up whenever I see something in black and white, but ‘Casablanca’ didn’t have them, but it was still good…Still good,” trailed-off part-time tire alignment technician and recent Criterion Channel subscriber Dave Szyminski. “Yeah, but as much as I’m having a blast hanging out with her, I do hope the next time she says I can put on ‘Rudy’ she’ll actually mean it. Little guy just wants to play football so badly. It’s a, what does she call it… oh yeah, a ‘cinematic triumph’!”

Representatives of the film logging social media app Letterboxd confirmed that watch patterns change suddenly in these situations.

“It’s a terribly common case, in fact. Without fail, we always see a, shall we say, ‘erudite’ spike in simpler straight male watch history once they enter a relationship with a cinephile. It would be fascinating if it weren’t such a shame that these fellows were being strung along like human sausage links,” said Letterboxd Analytics Associate Tina Trent-Sperry. “But, I gotta say the tonal whiplash from these poor schlubs ingesting a steady diet of ‘Fast & Furious’ movies to sudden five-star ratings for Elaine May’s filmography with captions like ‘will have to rewatch a few times to gather all my true thoughts’ is always something we laugh about around the office.”

Unfortunately, the relationship was promptly ended after only five minutes of a brief streetwide power outage.

Barber Thinks You’re a Fucking Loser- Guest Column by Social Anxiety

Look at you, so brave getting a haircut from a real barber! What a self-care win for you! Let’s just get a few things straight—yes, when you opened the door you did push it open too hard, yes, everyone was startled by it, and yes, everyone currently thinking to themselves “Who is this meatball and why are they here?”

You are not on their level, and you know it.

Oh isn’t that nice, the man at the front is asking if you want anything to drink? If you say yes, who the hell do you think you are? Everyone will think “Look at this entitled dick demanding seltzer water at the barbershop like some kind of power-mad god-king.” Then again, What kind of message does saying “no thanks” send? Oh, so you think you’re too good for barbershop beverages? Oh my god you still haven’t answered? Better pick one quick! Don’t worry, either way, that guy is going to make fun of you to his friends later.

Went with the water huh? You’re such a dick. The barber is ready for you.

The cape is slightly too tight, which the barber is doing on purpose because he hates you. Any respect he may have had for you will vanish after you show him your reference for a haircut, which is, God help us, a picture of Gene Ween from Ween. That’s odd, that is odd behavior. Your barber thinks you’re a weird virgin.

Now for the big question: do you try to make conversation? If you do, holy shit, does everything have to be about you? This man doesn’t want to hear about your life, or God forbid, be forced to divulge information about his. Ever heard of emotional labor, idiot? So you stay silent. And now your barber thinks you’re an antisocial weirdo, and he’s probably going to call National Security the moment you leave.

This haircut is really shitty. It’s way too short, and you know for a fact it’s going to dry all weird the second you wash it. He probably fucked it up on purpose, which, to be fair, you absolutely deserve. He asks you if you like it, and, like a spineless coward, you nod. “Yeah, man. Great.”

Dry Cleaning Bill Bankrupts Swing Revival Band

NEW YORK – Up-and-coming swing revival band The Boofing Sleuthers are ready to call it quits after mounting dry-cleaning bills wiped out their bottom line, disappointed managers and accountants confirmed.

“The swing revival pretty much died out in the mid-’90s, so when we busted out onto the scene with throwback tunes like ‘Daddy Needs Three Fingers of Buttermilk,’ we pretty much cornered the market,” said frontman Dax ‘Babytooth’ McCallister. “We were packing out clubs and making bank, but nobody told us that the regular maintenance and upkeep of 12 zoot suits would eat up our entire profit margin. We even had to start a GoFundMe to get back home after the last tour date because we had no money left over for gas.”

Band manager Terry Fink crunched the numbers, and had no choice but to force the band to file chapter 11 after reviewing their annual ledger.

“Dry cleaning bills notwithstanding, there are other factors to consider,” said Fink as he hunched over an adding machine trying to make sense of the band’s pomade expense report for fiscal January. “Sure, the band’s daily burn runs about $1,200 so they can look sharp on stage, but there’s also collateral damage that didn’t even cross our minds. Billy Bob ‘The Throb’ Steele insisted on renting a Stradivarius double-bass for a video shoot, and his cufflinks did a number on the varnish, setting us back by thousands. We’re operating on a $65,000 deficit for the last month alone, and that’s a conservative ballpark figure if I’m being entirely honest.”

Band costume designer Beth Franklin takes partial responsibility for bankrupting The Boofing Sleuthers, but doesn’t necessarily have any regrets.

“When I was put on the payroll to design the band’s wardrobe, I probably could have just gone to a costume store and done it on the cheap,” Franklin said while letting out the crotch seam for one of the plus-sized members. “But they were packing out clubs and the checks were always cleared, so I went all out. I work on a percentage-based commission, so naturally I spared no expense while looking for the highest-quality Panama hats the vintage market had to offer.”

After meeting with their accountant to figure out how to dissolve the band’s assets, McCallister was spotted drowning his sorrows in a 1910 Renault Vintage Cognac he managed to expense to the record label.

Current Owner of House From Cover of ‘Rohnert Park’ Asks Again That Visiting Fans Refrain From Practicing Kickflips In Street After Posted Quiet Hours

ROHNERT PARK, Calif. — Homeowner Ben Founier admits he’s losing patience with fans who attempt to recreate Ceremony’s famous cover shot outside his house, according to neighbors who are glad their home wasn’t the subject of an iconic album’s artwork.

“I thought it was pretty cool when I found out the house I just bought was on the cover of a highly regarded hardcore album,” said Fournier as cranked up a white noise machine. “But after the first dozen times people came by with their boards, I began to grow weary of it. I put up signs saying what times they’re welcome–-basically when I’m at work—but they don’t seem to care. They’ll show up whenever. I’m really not one of those get-off-my-lawn types, but now I’m begging: Please respect the quiet hours!”

The tourists occasionally arrive simultaneously, forming an impromptu skate crew outside of Fournier’s house.

“I was visiting my old college roommate who lives nearby,” said Larry Hughes, skater and Ceremony fan. “He suggested we head over and try to recreate the cover. When we got there, we saw a bunch of other people had the same idea. So we all just ended up skating and hanging out. Someone blasted ‘Rohnert Park’ on a Bluetooth speaker, and then another dude went out and got some 40s. We were out there really late. Do I feel bad for the guy that lives there now? Nah, we actually knocked and asked him to join us. But he was all like, ‘It’s three in the morning, wah wah wah.’”

Laurie McKevitt, author of “Punk Rock Real Estate” says people who buy notorious houses should know what they’re getting into.

“If you’re going to buy a house that is associated with a major work of underground music, you have to be ready for what are presumably unwanted visitors,” said McKevitt. “For example, the couple who bought the American Football house initially thought they had a Peeping Tom problem, but it turned out to be record nerds arriving at dusk trying to get a photo at just the right angle. The family that lives in the Replacements’ ‘Let It Be’ house tried to get an ordinance passed that would require real estate agents to disclose if houses had landmark status among any undesirable subcultures.”

At press time, the skate stoppers Fournier had installed on the curb had resulted in several skaters being injured, each of whom has now sued for damages.

Buy an exclusive variant of Rohnert Park from our store before they are gone forever:

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