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The Next Rick Rubin? I Have No Technical Skills or Musical Ability and Would Like To Produce Your Album

So a lot of people are talking about me, about how I cracked the code to their album, how I unleashed the songs imprisoned inside them, how I’m the unseen voice of the culture. Who is saying that? A lot of people.

Do I have any technical skills? I guess that depends on how you define “technical.” And “skills.” You mean producing skills? I can say that I have many, many skills. But if you’re looking for technical knowledge of mixing boards, and tones, and tracking then, no. My skills exist on a higher plane of abstract consciousness.

Let me explain. I was sitting in my house in Malibu listening to the sea, meditating and I could hear the waves crash and I thought, that’s a lot like music? Right? Do you understand what I’m saying? Are you on this wavelength? You’re not? Well I could get you there.

You want technical skills? I have the technical skill of never wearing shoes in places where people think “That guy should be wearing shoes” and still receiving service. Because of my aura. People see me in shorts, with a long beard and no shoes, and they don’t ask me to leave, because I pull it off. And not in a “don’t engage, that guy’s on meth” kind of way, but a “spritual leader kind of way. They see me and they “that man knows art.” Is that a skill? Well, it’s more like something that can’t be taught. Something more than a skill.

But do I play instruments? No. Unless you count the instrument of voice. Singing? No. Rapping? No. I mean the power of voice. What I lack in musical ability I make up for by having a voice that’s both soothing and commanding, like I’m instructing an advanced yoga class and you’re not low enough in Warrior 2. When I say something people listen. Because I do so with supreme confidence and a lack of humor.

What sets me apart is my superior sense of taste. I have a profound sense of what I like, and what I don’t like. People go through this world thinking they like something when really, they need someone like me to tell them what they like. I know, better than anyone else, what is good. You ever see a piece of art and think ‘This is dog shit?” I do that, better than anyone else.

Now, what I’m offering you today is something really special. If you sign with my label today you’re getting in on the ground level of this thing. Full access to my world, my brain, my opinions. I even have a house with a nickname. It’s called “El Dorado” because we’re going to make nothing but gold there. So once you sign, you can start recording, and then even become a producer of your own. If you sign two more artists under you, you’ll unlock special privileges and perks. Then they’ll start signing, and it’ll all kick back up to you. Pretty soon, you too can be a mega-producer guru like me.