How To Love Your Man Even Though He’ll Never Be the Snare Sound From Snapcase’s “Caboose”

Posted on by John Danek

Relationships are emotional journeys with peaks and valleys. And one of the toughest valleys you may endure is the realization that your man can never be as exciting, passionate, urgent, nor commanding as the unique metallic snare sound on Snapcase’s legendary track “Caboose.”

Many people hit this stumbling block a year or two into a relationship. They look at that sack of shit on the couch next to them and yearn to be sucked off by the thick, cracking drum tone that makes one’s heart race. But to be fair, it’s a lofty expectation that no man can reach. You need to dig deep within yourself and find ways to love that sack of shit regardless. So here are some tips.

Set the text tone for your loser human to one of the really clean snare hits on “Caboose”. The opening hit has no other instruments playing over it, so go with that one. You may start to build a positive association between that sound and your piece of shit lover. But beware that this could backfire. If you really hate your lover, you could create a negative association with drummer Timothy Redmond’s signature sound — a fate worse than death.

While having sex, imagine you are getting plowed by that glorious burst of wood and drumhead energy instead of a human male. This is personal and subjective, so we’ll leave the imagery to you. Just don’t open your eyes, or you’ll remember that you’re actually fucking a deeply average guy with no hopes of career progression. The snare from “Caboose” is now CEO of Eating Ass, Inc.

Try to make your man more like the snare tone. Take him camping and make him chop wood with a metal axe on an anvil. Anytime he misses, gaze at him longingly and ask “What was that, babe?” Or have him roleplay with a metal suit of armor, and push him down the stairs. That clanging may just be enough to light the spark in your loins.

When all else fails, just leave your man for the sound of the snare drum in Snapcase’s “Caboose.” Stop lying to yourself. You’ll never be really happy until you get what you want. We know a spiritual healer who will perform the ceremony, which is not legally binding but expensive enough to feel like you’re really investing in the relationship. May your children have girth, top-end bite, and solid maple crack.

Black Metal Vocalist Moonlighting as Face Painter “Ruins” Elementary School’s Play Day

Posted on by Alfred Barnes

BALTIMORE — Black metal vocalist Ben “Plaguebearer” Rockwood wreaked havoc during Wincrest Elementary’s recent Play Day following questionable face paintings he gave to the children, confirmed angered parents.

“It’s ridiculous—when your child sits down and asks to get their face painted, you expect them to walk away with one of the classics—a Spiderman mask, butterfly wings, a snake—not some ghostly devil mask,” said concerned parent Susan Winters. “My daughter hasn’t been the same since. She’s been drawing pentagrams in her agenda book and dyed her favorite doll’s hair black! To make matters worse, we can’t even take her to church to repent because she keeps sneaking matches in with her.”

Rockwood, known primarily for being the frontman of local black metal outfit Plague Rat, contends that face painting is about more than familiar imagery and fun.

“For too long the art of face painting has been marred by a sick cacophony of capitalistic influence and vibrant colors not seen in nature,” Rockwood lamented. “I’m an artist and corpse paint is the truth. When a kid sits in my chair, I bring their inner turmoil to the surface with shades of black and white—even if they say they just want to look like a Ninja Turtle or whatever. You can’t truly live until you look dead and, whether they know it or not, they’re walking away looking like themselves for the first time ever.”

Wincrest vice principal Vivian Brock has since made it clear that this is an isolated incident and not indicative of any changes in the school’s educational ideology.

“Parents have absolutely nothing to worry about,” Brock insisted. “This individual’s actions do not represent who we are at Wincrest. Our school will continue to adhere to the longstanding tradition of sneaking Christian messages into education and avoiding anything that challenges the status quo. We have even revamped our vetting process for entertainers to ensure wholesome fun for upcoming events. Students can expect nothing but unicorns and spiderwebs from all upcoming face painters!”

At press time, Rockwood was banned from face painting at future school events, but has recently been seen working birthday parties and quinceañeras in the community.

Five Songs We’re Listening To This Week From Our Apocalypse Bunker

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Greetings, fellow survivor. We’ve decided to cut our losses and seal ourselves underground with some canned meats and all of our vinyl records to outlast the impending nuclear holocaust and, if we’re lucky, outlive the current regime. Here are some new things to listen to while you consider joining us and avoiding the radioactive wasps.

Faetooth “Iron Gate”

Faetooth refer to themselves as “fairy doom” metal and after listening to the opener off their new album, we are inclined to agree. “Iron Gate” feels like drowning in a well in a cursed Eastern European village. This shit is mystical, heavy, mesmerizing, and probably could summon several ancient deities if one of you is willing to test that out for us.

84 Tigers feat Rocky Votolato “Two Rivers”

One of our writers whose parents own the vault we’re squatting in said this track feels like a spiritual sequel to Small Brown Bike’s “A Table of Four.” He’s not wrong, especially considering Mike and Ben Reed are responsible for 84 Tigers as a whole. This is a sad one, folks, but hey, sometimes you need to lean into the unbearable pain of being alive or whatever.

Poppy, Amy Lee, and Courtney LaPlante “End of You”

Behold, a rare single drop that both your teenage cousin and 39-year-old coworker are equally jazzed about. “End of You” showcases the premiere supergroup of 2025 with contributions from Spiritbox’s Courtney LaPlante, Evanessence’s Amy Lee, and, of course, everyone’s favorite psyop Poppy. It’s some good old-fashioned dramatic goth metal, what more could you want?

Softcult “16/25”

Every day we wait for Softcult’s debut full length and rabidly claw at their proverbial door, and the more time passes, the closer we get to making that literal. “16/25” is yet another entry into their growing discography of somehow energetic but deliciously shoegazey bangers. And while the “she” referenced in this track might not know how to love them, we certainly do.

Maura Weaver “The Face”

Indie-pop-punk songstress Maura Weaver is doing what more artists need to be doing, which is cranking out jangly little riffs that make us do the Charlie Brown dancing. “The Face” is energetic, catchy as all hell, and, most importantly, easy to pop on repeat while you’re having a montage-worthy walk around your neighborhood.

RFK Jr. Claims He Can Tell a Child Is Unhealthy Just by Licking Them

Posted on by Garry Kerls

WASHINGTON — Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed that he could tell a child is unhealthy just by licking them, sources confirmed.

“I know what a healthy child is supposed to taste like,” said Kennedy alongside his Make America Healthy Again team. “You can get a lot of information from tongue to skin contact. Temperature, salinity, texture, they should in no way taste gamey or stale, yet the children I lick when I’m walking through the airport or down the street all taste the same, unhealthy. The President and I are adamant that every child in this country needs to pass the lick test before we can truly make America healthy again.”

This unusual talent Kennedy Jr. possesses has been vital in the legislation he and his team are pursuing to pass into law.

“He had unknowingly trained his senses through a diet of raw milk and bearcub meat,” said Joe Bones, director of MAHA’s marketing team. “Secretary Kenndy’s tastebuds are adept at sensing mitochondrial imbalances, inflammation, and plaque psoriasis. And if you give him a sample to chew on for the day he can give you a diagnosis at 99.87% accuracy. We’ve even started compiling a national database of American children that organizes them by overall health, history of disease, which kids would pair well together with a fine red wine.”

More than 1,000 current and former employees of HHS have called for Kennedy Jr.’s immediate resignation since his war on vaccines, and even more have raised their voices against his non-consensual child tonguing.

“I’m not sure if I’m breaking this news here, but Robert Kennedy Jr. does not have a medical degree,” said Dr. Jodi McNemara, former Director of the CDC. “It’s become clear that the brain worm is calling the shots now, and the American children are going to suffer. The claims RFK Jr. makes about his saliva containing cancer fighting antibodies is complete BS! I am begging the parents of this country to never allow a 71-year-old man to lick your child, no matter how high up they are in the United States Government.”

At press time, the HHS has begun a nationwide campaign to get the cheeks of America’s youth onto the Health Secretary’s tongue in a cross-country bus tour.

The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately, he knows how to say “Deep State.” And it’s the only thing he knows how to say. He says it a lot. And really loud. But he’s so cute when he’s eating grapes.

He’s heavily discounted on account of he learned to say “Deep State” and will proceed to say “Deep State” twenty times an hour. He’s a very sweet bird, and he loves beak rubs but he’s gonna ruin every date you have on account of him yelling “Deep State.” You will have to apologize. A lot.

Don’t look at me, I didn’t teach him to say “Deep State.” I got this parrot from a pretty sketchy pet store next to the Military Surplus place. They had a TV that was just playing manosphere YouTube clips. The only mice they had were white. They named all their geckos after dictators. But this parrot caught my eye. He looked so elegant and majestic. A work of art by the artist known as nature. And I didn’t hear him say “Deep State” until the drive home so it was too late to return him.

He’s a good bird if you don’t ever have to do Zoom meetings from home, or plan on hosting parties, or want to raise children who don’t learn to randomly yell “Deep State.” Although that would probably guarantee them a job in the current administration, maybe even a cabinet position. So perhaps you should get this bird as an investment in your children’s future, what’s left of their future, anyways.

My weird cousin wants to give this parrot a podcast. She keeps uploading videos of him yelling “Deep State” and tagging Infowars It’s been getting a lot of views, people are active in the comments, there’s even a Reddit group set up to discuss who the parrot is accusing of being in the Deep State. It got so popular Jim Bruer even sent us a cease and desist, but we won’t take anything serious unless it’s from a C-tier former SNL cast member or above.

They must feel threatened by how powerful this bird says “Deep State.” And how loud he says it. And often. He doesn’t have any strong opinions on vaccines or understand how microphones and cameras work but success today isn’t built on an understanding of how things work, it’s just about how loud you can yell something over and over again until you get a sponsorship deal from a nootropics company.

And unlike Alex Jones this parrot is in no danger of slandering victims, questioning basic science, or denying the Holocaust. Just pure unadulterated “Deep State” with the decibel level of a car horn. And the beak rubs, he loves beak rubs.

Attractive Woman on Subway Probably Just Waiting Until the Right Moment to Compliment Your Gorguts Shirt

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BOSTON — An attractive woman seated across from you on the subway was probably just waiting until the right moment to tell you how much she likes your Gorguts shirt, overly confident sources report.

“She immediately caught my eye when I hopped on at the last stop,” you mentioned. “So I made sure to stand about five feet away from her, and I’m positioned so if she looks up from her book she’ll definitely be able to see my shirt. It has the artwork from their ‘Obscura’ album, so I’ll know she’ll appreciate how intelligent I am. I’m a sophisticated metalhead with a taste for profound lyrical themes, atonal melodies and unconventional song structures, and it shows. I’m willing to bet that she’ll immediately fall into my arms the second she notices me.”

Amelia Barnhardt, the woman you’ve been observing, was unaware that she was being passively courted.

“I just finished a long day at work, and I only want to make it home unbothered,” Barnhardt sighed. “I’m a nurse, so I’ve been on my feet for hours. It’s a huge relief to sit down and read a chapter of the latest book in the ‘Stormlight Archive’ before I get to my apartment and collapse into bed. I don’t know what a ‘Gorguts’ is or why I should care why some dude with greasy hair and glasses keeps pushing in front of the people standing across from me and watching me out of the corner of his eyes. Honestly, can I just get from my job to my home without being leered at by creepy dweebs and guys who like bands no one’s ever heard of? Is that too much to ask for?”

Sociologist Tanvi Barrett has studied these situations before.

“This is sadly common among metalheads,” Barrett confirmed. “They’ll spend an unbelievable amount of time meticulously combing through their shirt collections before getting dressed, as if anybody would notice. God forbid they get a rare compliment from a passerby, because that will validate this entire practice for years to come. I have yet to come across an instance of a metalhead gaining the affections of a woman solely as a result of the shirt he’s wearing, but try communicating that to them. They’re all seemingly convinced that women are crawling over one another to fawn over their Monstrosity shirts.”

At press time, you had repositioned yourself so Barnhardt had a clear view of the new Dismember tattoo on your right forearm.

Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename so-called Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility,” confirmed sources.

“Ruth Bader Ginsburg, or RBG as she is known in my group chats, was nothing if not a foundational trailblazer in the pursuit of justice who has been memorialized in Etsy merch gift ideas,” said Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer of New York. “​​While I don’t agree with the concept of Alligator Alcatraz personally, prisons are a part of the same justice system she worked her whole career to uphold. She’d be pleased by this, I think. It’s a good way to carry on the legacy she fought so hard to protect in her final years. Now when people think of immigrants being detained wrongfully in a detention facility, they’ll think of Ruth. We’ve done our part.”

The decision has also been embraced by Democratic voters.

“Nothing has seemed to go right since Justice Ginsburg died,” said registered Democrat Joyce Perriman, who was on her way to her local bee-keeping collective. “First we lost Roe v. Wade because the Democrats could do literally nothing to stop the Republicans. Then, Kamala lost because people got mad she was supporting the beautiful 51st state of Israel. Now Alligator Alcatraz. There’s just no decorum anymore. People getting deported in public spaces for all the world to see. I’ll say this, when Obama and Biden deported people, they did it with subtlety, in the dead of the night. That’s how it’s meant to be.”

This decision comes after a long bender of renaming sprees from the Democratic Party.

“We’re bringing decorum and civility back to some of America’s most criticized policies and establishments,” said Democrat Eric Swalwell of California’s 14th District. “Yay us! We’ve renamed the Border Wall the ‘Dianne Feinstein Memorial International Barrier’ to honor a legendary political figure, we’ve started calling our aide packages to Israel the ‘Harvey Milk Memorial Specials’ to honor a real queer rights icon and, of course, CECOT Prison is being renamed ‘the Harriet Tubman Honorary Indefinite Detention Facility.’ We couldn’t think of a more appropriate way to honor an American hero.”

At press time, Congressional Democrats were on hour 12 of their filibuster protest of the “Earl Warren Amendment For the Evisceration of the Temporarily Unhoused.”

Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own Substack. Sure, I don’t have a degree — or, for that matter, any formal training or education in any given subject—but what I do have is expertise in how to post and market my own ideas. See, Substack attracts its own experts because its users have a self-selection bias towards their own shared brilliance.

I mean, just setting up a Substack account takes a certain level of intelligence. You have to know how to enter your name and email address into the proper fields when you register, and you need the prerequisite knowledge of how to confirm the aforementioned email address.

Once you get past those hurdles, you get access to all of the illuminating genius your amateurish mind can handle. The real outside-the-box authorities — the ones who are doing literal galaxy-brained thinking — are on Substack. It’s a platform by the people, for the people. You won’t find discussions on the wisdom of Bill Cooper or Andrew Wakefield in newspapers. You can’t even use the phrase “official narrative of the Moon Landing” without being repudiated as a nutjob by Round-Earthers filled with vaccine microchips.

Speaking of hastily dismissed philosophers, the amount of flak that Substack gets for allowing Nazis is troublingly high. Some Nazis — the not-terrible ones — are political scholars, yet are censored by traditional media outlets. Substack isn’t just Nazis, though. It’s also for those who, to borrow from the literary genius Voltaire, disingenuously defend Nazis to the death, even if they disagree with them. I’m no fan of Hitler, but I’m willing to concede he had some good ideas, because being an expert requires an open mind.

In other words, you have to see both sides. Indeed, for the stated thesis to be valid, the opposite of it must also be valid: If I didn’t have a Substack, then I wouldn’t be an expert, and, therefore, I wouldn’t be able to properly label myself an expert on my nonexistent Substack. It’s a perfect circle of logic. Checkmate, sheeple.

Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat Awarded Nobel Prize in Physics for Their Groundbreaking Work In How Opposites Attract

Posted on by Mike Maher

STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Iconic ‘80s pop duo Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat were awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics for their trailblazing work in proving opposites attract, sources confirmed.

“Most people know me as a two-time Grammy award-winning singer and dancer. Or the ex-wife of Emilio Estevez from ‘Young Guns II.’ Or that judge on American Idol who’s always hopped up on pain meds,” Abdul said. “So it’s truly rewarding to be finally recognized for my real life’s passion: bringing French engineer and physicist Charles-Augustin de Coulomb’s Law of Electromagnetism to the masses through a fictosexual relationship with an animated rapping cat. I mean, who knew the force of attraction or repulsion determined by the amount of charge and distance between charges could be so damn catchy?! The esteemed Nobel committee members and the 60 million people who bought my albums, that’s who knew, bitches.”

The award couldn’t have come at a better time for Abdul’s less successful half, MC Skat Kat.

“Man, I really needed a win,” Skat Kat said while stuck in a tree waiting for the fire department. “I don’t know jack about physics, but I do know opposites weren’t the only thing MC Skat Kat was attracted to. Booze. Pills. Loose women. I lost 8 of my 9 lives during those years. But look at me now, ma! Top of the science world! I really want to thank my fans, Jesus Chirst his Lord and Savior, my sponsor, and especially the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences for giving me an advance on my prize money so I could settle some unpaid debts down at the dog track.”

Veteran Nobel committee judge Ulf Carlsson explained how the final selection came down to more than just science.

“There were seismic breakthroughs this year in the fields of quantum computing, dark matter and AI. But nobody contributed more to the advancement of physics, dance pop and toonophilia than MC Skat Kat and my homegirl, Paula Abdul,” Carlsson said. “You really don’t need much more empirical evidence that opposites attract than a cartoon alley cat fucking a former Laker girl. And trust me. That ain’t fiction. It’s a natural, and now scientific, fact.”

At press time, Abdul was spotted canoodling with Particle Man from “Tiny Toons” and They Might be Giants fame.

Trump Disappointed Nazi Playbook Has Very Few Pictures

Posted on by Tim Graham

WASHINGTON — President Trump complained that the manual that details how to operate a fascist regime was “boring” due to the lack of images, according to frustrated staffers tasked with getting him to read.

“Look at this thing,” said Trump, dropping the thick volume on the Resolute desk. “Hundreds of pages to say what? Militarize this, consolidate that, scapegoat so-and-so. Believe me, I get it. People keep saying, ‘Sir, sir, you really need to read the playbook.’ Listen, I have one of the greatest brains. You need a world-class brain like mine to do the weave, as I call it. My uncle also had a world-class brain. He founded MIT, after all. This playbook, though…It’s just page after page of nothing but tiny little words. Would it have killed someone to write some pictures in there?”

White House staff assistant Mary Elise Witkins is on the team assigned to finding ways to make the president engage with the material.

“We’ve tried everything, but he just doesn’t like to read. Or can’t read?” said Witkins as she worked on scenery for an upcoming educational puppet show for the president. “I’ve tried reading it to him, but he just looks at his phone or falls asleep. He asked for pictures so we generated a bunch of AI illustrations, but he complained the Nazis didn’t look muscular or tough enough. We also spent big money producing a pop-up book version—the sieg heiling was very impressive—but it got no reaction from the president.”

The Heritage Foundation’s Gordon Sprague argues that Trump doesn’t need to bother with reading things like the Nazi Playbook.

“President Trump would only be wasting his time if he sat down to read,” said Sprague while browsing German World War II memorabilia on the dark web. “Trump is a natural—a savant even—when it comes to sadism. He’s never needed to study how to effectively place the state’s boot on the neck of the populace—this kind of cruelty is self-evident to him. It’s as though it’s written into his DNA. Sometimes we’ll give him a little pop quiz such as, ‘You see a poor person begging for a sip of water. What do you do?’ He always nails it. The answer, by the way, is to abduct and beat them.”

At press time, a breakthrough had been made after excerpts of the text were spelled out in sesame seeds on the tops of Trump’s hamburger buns.