Slacker Accidentally Aces History and Science Exams After Attending They Might Be Giants Show Last Night

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

OAKLAND, Calif. — Perpetual “lost cause” Kip “The Drip” Dellaher miraculously passed his science and history exams today after simply attending last night’s They Might Be Giants concert, astonished sources confirmed.

“I just happened to go with a friend after weighing my options of either studying for my tests, or going to a kickass rock show. And if you’re hip to the Drip, heh, you know which one he went with!” drawled Dellaher, as he initiated a high five that he refused to let leave hanging. “I guess the content of their music just sorta slurped its way into the belly of my brain, you know through, what’s it called, ‘Osmosis Jones.’ Because the next day I knew all this junk about Istanbul and Robot Parades, and was just ready to take on whatever my professors threw at me.”

They Might Be Giants co-founder John Flansburgh shed some essential light on the setlist in question.

“After playing together with Linnell for 40 years, we’ve got so many songs to curate our sets, so I like to keep it interesting. Last night, as kind of an in-joke with the rest of the band, we did an all academic set. I’m talking ‘James K. Polk’ into ‘Why Does the Sun Shine?’ into ‘The Mesopotamians.’ That kid had no choice but to pass with flying colors with us by his side,” said Flansburgh. “I only hope he didn’t have a syntax test in his English class, too. Because we played ‘Don’t Let’s Start’ as an encore, and ‘Won’t He’ll Pass’ if THAT gets stuck in his head.”

Science professor Sasha Anatole regrets allowing her fandom to dictate her exam content.

“Of course I’m a TMBG fan, EVERY professor is a TMBG fan. So when I saw my worst student at the concert I was thrown for a loop. I started realizing that everything we were hearing would be on the test tomorrow,” said a remorseful Anatole. “Sure enough, the damn Drip flew through that Scantron like he’s only previously flown through Cracked Magazine. I thought I’d finally be rid of him, maybe get him tossed back a few grades even! But now he’ll probably join my extracurriculars. Curse those Johns and their catchy, experimental rock!”

At press time, Dellaher learned the hard way that, as a newfound “They Might Be Giants guy,” he will henceforth now always fail Phys Ed.

Dickhead Reviewing Guitar Pedal Didn’t Turn All the Knobs Up at the End for Fun

Posted on by John Danek

CHICAGO — Popular guitar pedal demoist Drew Bypass is under fire to presenting the new Kinky Effects PH-1 Phattener Phuzz without cranking all the knobs up at the end, irate viewers confirmed.

“I prefer to present guitar effects in a tuneful, usable context like I would use in my weekend praise & worship gig,” explained Bypass, who has reportedly never turned his guitar amp up past 2. “Remember—just because a knob can be turned up to 10 doesn’t mean it should be. I find moderate, restrained guitar tones capable of conveying the most emotional messages in music. Just ask my favorite musician ever, Joe Bonamassa. Anyways, the Phattener provides excellent fuzz for those vintage, warm tones befitting God and man.”

YouTube viewers could barely contain their fury at Bypass’s limp, milquetoast presentation of the Phattener Phuzz.

“What is his fucking problem? Drew Bypass’s demo methodology is like taking a Corvette for a test ride and keeping it in first gear in a parking lot the whole time,” fumed Lily Tovak, frontwoman and guitarist of no-wave band The Attempteds. “He’s the only one with a quality demo of the Phattener, and I need a new fuzz badly. I don’t know a single note on the fretboard and I rely exclusively on amp feedback. Will the PH-1 give me that ability? I’ll never know, because this coward of a reviewer didn’t turn it up all the way at the end of the video. It’s like he hates joy.”

Veteran music gear YouTubers offered their take on navigating the extremes of a pedal.

“Musicians all want different things, from transparent boosts to wild fuzzes. It’s impossible to please everyone in one video,” said Andy Martin of ProGuitarShop and Reverb’s YouTube channels. “That’s why I decided to launch AndyAfterDark, my new demo channel on OnlyFans. I’ll crank all the knobs up, baby. You’ll hear overdrive pedals squeal and moan in ways you never thought possible. These videos are way too hot for YouTube.”

As of press time, Drew Bypass is reportedly hemorrhaging subscribers after demoing a new guitar but only playing the neck pickup for the whole video.

Everything We Know About the McDonald’s Child Labor Scandal

Posted on by Dan Rice

A recent investigation into southeast child labor law violations found massive infringements by over 60 McDonald’s Franchises. Most notably, two 10-year-old children were found working at a McDonald’s in Kentucky, sometimes as late as 2:00 a.m., doing everything from operating the fryolator to working the drive-thru. Here’s everything we know so far:

The Children were not paid, but were given great exposure

Money is great, but the leg up this experience has given these kids for finding diminutive, underpaid work in the future is invaluable.

McDonald’s has pledged to reform its child labor practices until this story sort of blows over

A Spokesman for McDonald’s assured the public that they are dedicated to eliminating the exploitation of children “from now until the next thing that happens that people get all up in arms about, probably tomorrow.”

The children were made to believe the labor was a game, like in Roberto Benigni’s “Life is Beautiful”

Compared to the Holocaust this really isn’t so bad.

When you factor in the life expectancy of people living below the poverty line, those kids were 36

Senior regional management was quick to point out that compared to the life span of a person with a job that society arbitrarily values, those children were well into adulthood.

They looked cute as hell flipping those fries 

I mean, just adorbs.

Anything that fell on the floor was theirs

After a brief investigation to determine the drop was, in fact, an accident and a stern reprimand, Timmy was allowed to eat the nugget he dropped with no sauce.

Food Prepared by children contains up to 20% more love 

Without them, the special sauce just wouldn’t be as special.

The manager was careful not to actually look at the children 

Reportedly he even went so far as to explicitly say “There better not be children working here, that would be terrible!” while staring at the ceiling and making a little “keep it going” motion with his finger.

“Do you want our employees to have access to daycare or not?”

“McDonald’s is really getting a lot of mixed messages here.”

Burger King does the same thing but with shittier kids

 “We don’t think we’re speaking out of turn when we say the child labor violations of our competitors are ganglier, more awkward, and less satisfying.”

McDonald’s would like to remind everyone that third-degree grease burns heal faster and more efficiently when they occur at a young age

“When you think about it, it’s actually cruel that we don’t employ more children.”

Guardians Of The Galaxy 3 Happy Meal Toys Now Available

For a limited time only!

No one is truly innocent

We are all born into sin, as it is in scripture.

Operating a fryolator is part of Kentucky school’s common core curriculum

Technically these kids were at school the whole time.

The 10-year-olds were working under the direction of their parents

Those children were under no corporate pressure to complete tasks save for the insurmountable amount of work a McDonald’s employee is expected to complete for $8.22 an hour and the threat of starvation.

You don’t really care

You’ve been daydreaming about a fillet-o-fish all goddamn day and you are goddamn getting one.

Goth Girlfriend, Conservative Dad Bond Over Passion for Taxidermy

Posted on by Courtney Baka

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local man Eric Halverson was relieved to see his new goth girlfriend and his conservative father bond over their shared love of taxidermy, sources confirmed.

“I was pretty nervous about bringing Stacy home for the first time,” reported Halverson. “My parents can be pretty conservative and Stacy, well she can be intense. So imagine my surprise when they immediately found something they have in common, even if it happens to be dead animals. They were talking about how they both like to bring exciting new bones to show to their friends. Of course, he was talking about the gun club and she was referring to her coven, but at the end of the day what’s the difference? They had so much fun talking about his collection of Bear bacula that I don’t think she even noticed his MAGA hat in the garage. It’s a blessing too, because I don’t think Stacy would have appreciated his opinions on gender equality.”

Halvorson’s girlfriend, Stacy “Scheherazade” Kowalski, is no stranger to the art of dead fauna.

“I’ve been collecting various animal parts since I was a kid,” reported Kowalski. “In second grade I started with an ant farm, then a hamster. Before I knew it I was picking up squished birds and mammals off the side of the highway. Now I run a part time interpretive taxidermy Etsy shop. When I’m not bartending, of course. That being said, most of my customers are diehard Fox New viewers.”

Halvorson’s father, Barry “Butch” Halvorson, was equally surprised by the success of the visit.

“Eric’s always bringing these weird, creepy girls home, with their crazy colored hair and chunks of metal in their faces,” said the father of three. “This one, yeah she might look a little strange, but she knows a prize 14 point buck when she sees one. I’ve been getting so worked up lately with the whole indictment thing, and how these feminists can’t stop killing babies, and that the heroes from the January 6th demonstration don’t deserve this kind of treatment. It was really nice to meet someone who knows a thing or two about stuffing dead coyotes and mounting deer heads to the wall.”

At press time, Halverson was excited to see Kowalski and his mom have an in-depth discussion about separating dark clothes from white ones while doing laundry.

10 Acoustic Songs You Can Listen to Because It’s Late and You Live In Your Parents’ Basement

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

We’re not here to judge. Times have been tough and we all need to sleep somewhere. Whatever the circumstances are that led you to indefinitely crashing in your parents’ basement, it’s likely that you still need to rock out just as much as you did before. Here is a list of quieter numbers you can play at a low volume when your folks fall asleep at 9:30 p.m.

Anti-Flag “American Attraction” (Acoustic)

We’re not sure why Anti-Flag released a mostly acoustic album either, but you’re in a bind and we’re trying to help, so wipe that scowl off your face and just accept the situation. Plus, the riffs on this one actually kind of work somehow. It’s also nice to be reminded that you don’t have to yell all the time to get your point across. Remember that time you screamed at all five of your roommates for taking your last Black Label? That’s why Erika has your old room now. Seriously, though. Aren’t those like… eight bucks for a 12-pack?

NOFX “13 Stitches” (Acoustic

Featured on “The Longest EP,” this stripped down version of “13 Stitches” provides a more somber and, most importantly for you, quieter air to an already excellent “War On Errorism” track. Hearing Fat Mike wax nostalgic on head injuries and all the bands he saw before you were even born will whisk you away to much simpler times. Times in which you slept on your friends’ couches instead of the futon in your dad’s man cave.

Green Day “F.O.D”

Looking to blow off a little steam with a cathartic song that quietly details your feelings toward that asshole Kyle who kicked you out of his house two summers ago? Look no further. This song says it all so you don’t have to. Just be sure to hit the skip button before it gets to the super loud part at the end. Your parents probably have a hard enough time with their blood pressure as is.

AJJ “Truckers Are the Blood”

Long before AJJ were known as the saviors of pop-punk or whatever, they had trouble finding a steady drummer and had to settle for being a brilliant group instead of a “just okay” one. There are horns on this track, but don’t worry, they’re subtle. If they happen to wake your parents, though, chances are at least one of them will agree that truckers are the blood in the veins of the body of America-uh-uh.

Angel Olsen  “Unfucktheworld”

One of the few benefits of moving back in with your folks is that you don’t have to pretend you hate contemporary artists like Angel Olsen for clout anymore. You can go ahead and listen to this one without shame now. It’s a great song, and it’s okay to have feelings. In fact, it’s pretty brave. According to your mom, being in touch with your emotions is the punkest thing of all.

boygenius “Ketchum, ID”

While we’re on the subject of ’emotions’ we’d be remiss not to mention this super group. This song not only features an acoustic guitar, but also incredibly dulcet three-part harmonies. Make sure you have a good pillow nearby to muffle your sobs, though. Nothing’s more awkward than having your mother rushing to your emotional aid while you’re just trying to live your fucking life.

Alkaline Trio “Sorry About That”

Matt Skiba’s unplugged strumming is so rhythmic on this track that you can kinda hear what the drums would do if this were a louder full-band track. The only downside of listening to this one is that it’ll probably make you think of your ex. You know, the one that has that sick loft downtown. No matter how much you want to, we strongly advise against calling them up to see if they’re still using the spare bedroom.

Adrianne Lenker “half return”

Look, we all know you’ve been meaning to get around to listening to this album from Big Thief’s lead singer/songwriter and now is the perfect time. Listening to this track will help you feel like this transient period of your life is an adventure instead of the depressing failure that it actually is.

Bruce Springsteen “Atlantic City”

You’ve probably realized by now you can listen to louder music if you just grab some headphones. One snag, though. Your dad borrowed yours and hasn’t given them back for, like, two weeks. No problem. Chances are if you put on this harrowing number from the Boss, your old man will rise from his deep sleep, follow Springsteen’s raspy voice down the stairs, and tell you how happy he is to hear some ‘real music coming from down here for a change.’ This will give you the perfect opportunity to inquire about your pilfered cans.

Laura Jane Grace “Please Leave”

This one’s more of a personal message to you from us. There’s no shame in spending more time in your hometown and forging stronger bonds with your family, but we’re worried about you. We want you to do things like sleep easy and party by the pool (your friend’s pool, not your parents’). Chances are your dad has been muttering this song’s title at you under his breath for weeks now, too, but you didn’t hear that from us or your mom. I wouldn’t take it personally, though. He’s just going a little stir-crazy without his man cave.

Every Millencolin Album Ranked

Posted on by James Knapp

Millencolin: proof that coming from a country with the highest quality of life in the world doesn’t mean shit when you’re a pissed-off teenage skatepunk who just wants to make music. Now, we’re sorting out 30 years’ worth of Swedish pop-punk and building our definitive ranking of every Millencolin album.

9. Tiny Tunes (1994)

Well, this shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. “Tiny Tunes” (or “Same Old Tunes” as it was retitled after Tiny Tunes Adventures sued the absolute shit out of these guys) is a pretty standard first album for a band that hasn’t really figured their sound out yet. Really, the most interesting part of this whole record is the fact that Chiquita threatened to sue Millencolin as well over it. Yes, the banana company – now, that’s fucking stupid.

Play on repeat: “Chiquita Chaser”
Skip it: “Dance Craze”

 

8. Machine 15 (2008)

“Machine 15” isn’t a bad album, it’s just a bad Millencolin album. It makes sense that a band just coming out of its golden era (more on that later) would want to break the mold and try something new – but, yeah, this ain’t it. Don’t worry, they’ll figure it out eventually.

Play on repeat: “Vicious Circle”
Skip it: “Come On”

 

 

 

7. SOS (2019)

I actually don’t have much to say about this one. It’s fine. Go listen to it – or don’t, I don’t give a shit. Moving on.

Play on repeat: “Sour Days”
Skip it: “Let It Be”

 

 

 

 

 

6. For Monkeys (1997)

“For Monkeys” is a transitional album to be sure. The band is clearly trying to break out from that third-wave ska influence that is heavy in the first two records, but they just can’t seem to stop themselves from occasionally breaking into janky upstrokes. There’s nothing wrong with this record – it just needed a little more time to marinate.

Play on repeat: “Twenty Two”
Skip it: “Monkey Boogie”

 

 

 

5. True Brew (2015)

So now we’re getting into the part of every ranking where I always end up having to acknowledge that the only reason a really good record is as low as it is is because the band has written a lot of other really good records and that that doesn’t take anything away from the album that is lower than it might seem it deserves but it’s simply how ranking things and just numbers in general work. Anyways, “True Brew” is that album for Millencolin. I look forward to reading the many comments you braindead jags are gonna leave me about how I “did the album dirty” by placing it here. Go for it, morons.

Play on repeat: “Chameleon”
Skip it: “Something I Would Die For”

4. Life on a Plate (1995)

You see that dead bird on the album cover? His name was Daryl. Yeah, that’s right, he has a name. Well, he had a name. Also, Daryl had a family. A wife bird and three baby birds who will never see his dead ass ever again. Ever. Not such a cute, fun pop-punk record now is it, huh?

Play on repeat: “Jellygoose”
Skip it: “Vulcan Ears”

 

 

 

3. Kingwood (2005)

I’ll be honest, I dismissed this album for a long time as a kid. Not for any reason other than being a fifteen-year-old shithead and thinking that “Kingwood,” with it’s goofy fucking cover art and the admittedly still dorky, but fun, music video they made for “Ray,” was just not a cool record. So if anything “Kingwood” should be a lesson to us all to listen back on records that you ignored during your “too cool for school” era, because I can guarantee you were actually “too cool” for nothing.

Play on repeat: “Shut You Out”
Skip it: “My Name Is Golden”

2. Pennybridge Pioneers (2000)

Guess what I just learned! “Pennybridge” is the rough English translation of Orebro, the band’s hometown in Sweden. That’s right – I had no idea that was the truth until like ten minutes ago. And now I’m wondering what in the hell I thought it meant for so many years or if I ever even put much thought into it at all. Did I actually think the band meant they were blazing a trail over an unexplored bridge made entirely of American pennies? Sure, why not – it’s a fun image.

Play on repeat: “No Cigar”
Skip it: “The Mayfly”

1. Home From Home (2002)

This album slaps from front to back. Also, are the kids still saying “slaps” to mean “is of a high quality and enjoyable” these days? Whatever, maybe this isn’t the right time to ask.
The point is that this is really a perfect record. It was when it came out and now we can even get a bit of nostalgia out of it for the old Punk-O-Rama compilation era. So if we’re not saying “slaps” anymore then what is the next thing? If “slaps” is “mid” now then maybe use it to disparage everyone in the comments who disagrees with my ranking. That should really slap!

Play on repeat: “Happiness For Dogs”
Skip it: Also “Happiness For Dogs,” but only after you have listened to it like forty times in a row already – because forty-one and onward is gonna start making you really fucking sad about stuff.

Party’s Craziness Solidified by Presence of Barnyard Animal

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

PONTIAC, Mich. — Several local college seniors impressed guests by enhancing their party’s epicness with the presence of a barnyard animal in their house, thoroughly wowed sources confirmed amidst hooting and hollering.

“Every party strives to achieve farm animal is suddenly there hanging out amidst the revelry’ tier, but only the select few ever truly make it. The act of having a billy goat, flock of chickens, or even just a standard dairy cow milling around drunken chaos can really enhance the ambience for the better, and let’s face it: we had it last night in droves,” said host Kris “Fruitfly” Yates. “That moment everybody turned around and noticed a ram gnawing on the ottoman like it was a bale of hay? That’s when I knew nobody would care that I watered down the keg.”

Local farmers report a less enthusiastic takeaway to the practice.

“Those damn college kids are always pilfering my livestock for their shindigs and what-have-ya, and I’m here to say–it ends now. Granted, they always make sure to bring ‘em back, but always drunk or spray-painted, or sometimes even in sunglasses,” said Farmer Curtis Myrtle, the proprietor of Myrtle Acres. “Those preppy no-counts think having animals at your party makes it better? Let me tell you, every party I’ve ever thrown has had at least a baker’s dozen varmints roaming through it, and nobody ever tikkity-toks or instygams about how legendary they are, which seems downright discriminatory to me.”

Party planner Hetta Breen-Duffage gets to the root of the phenomenon’s popularity.

“Well, it’s simple, really. Ground zero for ‘animal randomly at a party’ is definitely the one Robin Williams throws for his son that gets him divorced from his wife in Mrs. Doubtfire. Folks putting a soiree together will recall how crazy that party was, so crazy that it causes Sally Field to end their relationship, and say ‘that’s what I want for my graduation!’ or whatever the occasion may be,” said Breen-Duffage. “Now, this party last night thrown by Fruitfly and his buddies; that one may have even surpassed Doubtfire levels. My sources say Field herself would have severed ties with every last one of those guys, especially if that House of Pain song were blaring at the time.”

At press time, Farmer Myrtle had plans for a “slacker frat guy to suddenly appear” at a birthday party he’s arranging for his prize sheep to test if it works the other way, too.

Awkward: This Boy Accidentally Said ‘I Love You’ to His Dad Instead of His Teacher

Posted on by Dom Turek

There’s no coming back from this one. Jeremy Macon just said ‘I love you’ to his dad instead of his intended target, seventh-grade English teacher, Dianne King. He might as well have kissed his father on the lips and asked for a bedtime story.

He tried to explain that the words of affection were intended for Ms. King, the kind beautiful woman who always encouraged his talents, rather than the strange angry man who often drank visibly expired milk from the carton, but Jeremy’s family had already decided he was a total pussy.

This is worse than the time he mistakenly went in for a hug when his dad said “Put her there” after changing a tire together.

If he doesn’t do some damage control, and fast, this “I love my dad” legacy could follow him well into adulthood. If only he could revert to simpler times when he was known to his family for wetting the bed and not knowing how to pronounce the word February.

Contrary to his public reaction, accidentally telling your dad you love him is a normal part of growing up no different from acne or first crushes. Just because you’re the first man in four generations to confront your father with an emotion he was taught to bury at all costs, doesn’t mean you should beat yourself up.

Real men know there’s only one way for a father and son to express love, and that’s to become competitive over money, fitness, or women, but that type of wisdom comes with age. You can’t know what you don’t know.

Oh shit, now his family is singing “Jeremy and Dad sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G.” He can never show his face around here again. He might even need to transfer families. This is probably how Jeremy’s dad felt that time he accidentally said “I’m proud of you” to one of his kids instead of his employees.

Punks React: The Writers Guild of America Go On Strike

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

The Writers Guild of America’s Board of Directors voted unanimously to call for a strike effective immediately, which will bring television production to a halt. We took to the streets to ask punks what they thought about the situation.

Blaine Schafer, Barista

“I’m in solidarity with the writers. I will not read a single television show until this whole thing is resolved.”

Gracie Truman, Music Blogger

“Great. Just when I finally got around to watching ‘The Wire.’ I guess I’ll never know how it ends now.”

Tim Lyle, Warehouse Supervisor

“I hope the writers get what they deserve. I know how hard it is to write for television because I run an Instagram meme account.”

Jake Snell, Grocery Store Clerk

“Unbelievable. I guess I’ll have to watch old episodes of ‘Crank Yankers’ and ‘Win Ben Stein’s Money ‘to get my Jimmy Kimmel fix.”

Deb Studer, UPS Driver

“I support the writers unless I have to do anything personally.”

 

 

Gen Z Drummer Leaves Stage Mid Set Because “Vibe Was Off”

Posted on by Rose Eden

CINCINNATI, Ohio — Four songs into a set by local band Sewer Grates, drummer Ryan Richards walked off stage stating that the “vibes were off,” perplexed older sources confirm.

“Playing the drums, I never get a say in anything as it is,” said 23 year old Richards. “I’m just glad to get to play gigs, period, but they honestly get pretty repetitive for me, especially because all my bandmates are getting kinda up there in age. And then someone in the crowd yelled ‘play something good,’ which seems super toxic to me. So I had just had it and dipped. I don’t owe negative people my time, I gotta protect my energy.”

Other members of the Sewer Grates lament that Ryan belongs to a generation of musicians who cannot tolerate any form of negativity.

“Nowadays it’s hard just finding a drummer at all,” said singer-bass player Steve “The Snake” Wojekowski. “I knew something was up when he started burning sage in the rehearsal space to clear out the bad energy from the guy he replaced, but I’m a Gen Xer just assumed it was skunk weed at first. I never thought he’d walk off the stage like that though. We’ve had guys both pass out on us and get into fights on stage and get kicked out of the venue mid set but no, nothing like this. What the hell is a ‘vibe’ anyways?”

A promoter of the venue concurred that of all the excuses he’s heard for bad behavior over the years, this one still managed to take him by surprise.

“I had to laugh when I saw it go down,” said Luis Herrera. “I mean, I’ve seen some of these guys throw gnarly fits, like trashing the dressing room when the vegan options weren’t good enough and refusing to take the stage because the lighting was unflattering. But I’ve never seen anyone bail mid-set because of ‘bad energy.’ I bet you anything he went straight to his car and made a TikTok about it or something too.”

At press time, Ryan was seen applying for “remote drummer” positions.