BEACON, N.Y. — Local guitarist Heff Kelsey was baffled after discovering the piece of music he was playing reportedly required a chord so difficult that he needed to use some toes, sources confirmed while holding their noses.
“I’ve seen some doozy finger placements in my career, but nothing that required me to take my socks and shoes off first. This is completely new territory for me,” said Kelsey. “I just wish I weren’t so out of shape. The sheet music calls for a special training regimen to go along with it. I’ve added an elliptical machine and a couple medicine balls to my gear rig. I guess even if I don’t get to play this chord, I’ll probably be able to play a xylophone solo on my abs.”
Acquaintances of Kelsey found his methods of rehearsal unsettling.
“I’m trying to keep an encouraging mindset, but I’m honestly a little frustrated that Hef keeps borrowing my guitar to practice this stupid foot chord. The guy’s a professional, he owns like thirty different guitars of his own,” said friend and musician Milton Susk. “But suddenly, when constant toe contact is on the table, he needs to borrow my instrument. Did he tell you about his rampant fungus problem? No, I thought not…Well, I guess Heff has thirty ONE guitars now.”
Yoga instructor Elaine Winnifred has noticed a need for better health in the experimental music community.
“I run special stretching seminars three times a week for experimental musicians who are trying to play their instruments in new and exciting ways,” said Winnifred. “Stringed instruments are especially tricky, and it isn’t wise to attempt playing a crazy-ass chord without our assistance for at least a couple weeks. Forgoing our licensed help could prove unsafe, and in some cases, sadly end in the musician being maimed, dismembered, or even beheaded. Ok, well, maybe not beheaded yet…but it could happen one day.”
At press time, Kelsey’s maiden attempt to play the chord landed him in a full body cast with only limited brain function. Doctors expect that he’ll have to start from square one and re-learn how to even hold a guitar.