Wall of Death Resumes After Peace Talks Fail

Posted on by Steve Packosky

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — A particularly violent wall of death during an Exodus concert continued after peace talks failed to reach a diplomatic solution, distressed sources report.

“Their demands were completely unreasonable,” left-side participant Raissa Bernandi complained. “They wanted an apology from the face-tatted guy in the Kreator shirt for accidentally spilling his beer on the girlfriend of one of their moshers, and they also wanted a verbal agreement that none of the tall guys on our side would stand in front of them for the remainder of the show. Obviously, it was not feasible for us to acquiesce to these, so I guess it’s back to the drawing board while we gear up to charge at each other again. They really need to approach these talks more realistically.”

Toby Carrol, negotiator for the wall of death’s right side, provided his side of the story.

“Listen, we can’t be the only side willing to make concessions,” Carrol sighed. “We agreed to have our weird 60-year-old guy put his shirt back on, and we kicked out that obnoxious teenager who was doing that stupid windmill thing with his arms after he broke that lady’s nose. What have they done that shows they’re putting forth any effort to stop this violence? Nothing. My side has been committed to a peaceful resolution, but we’re not afraid to continue the wall of death until then. From here on out, though, if anybody gets hurt, you’ll know who to blame.”

Bystander Lucia Alfaro described what she saw.

“It’s just so heartbreaking seeing such senseless violence,” Alfaro lamented. “I can’t believe it’s gone on this long, as I would’ve thought for sure that they would’ve put an end to it by now. Each time the two sides charge at each other, I wince at the thought of all the concussions and broken bones that are probably resulting. At this point, I don’t even care which side is in the right. I just want them to reach an agreement so we can all move on. I came here to thrash out to Exodus, not to see people get hurt. They haven’t even played ‘The Toxic Waltz’ yet, so the worst is yet to come. I just hope everyone involved knows how critical these next few minutes are in preventing even more injuries.”

At press time, the bartender was brought in as an arbiter in the next round of peace talks.

First Cool Cop? This One Is Asking Me if I Have Any Drugs

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

Wow, you can never judge a book by its cover. Even if that cover is an NYPD uniform. I mean here I am, stumbling piss drunk and shirtless out of my buddy’s basement show in Red Hook, and a fucking cop of all people wants to keep the party going.

I mean, to be fair, I only approached him because he was riding a horse. So I thought he was just a regular guy who was already on drugs. But wouldn’t you know it, a brief convo about The Strokes buying their way into the NYC rock scene was enough to let Mr. Stop and Frisk know it was cool to let his hair down. He asked me, “Sir, do you have any drugs on you?”

Now, I know all cops are bastards, but maybe this one is the least bastardly of them all. I mean, out of all the cops out there, one of them has to be the coolest. That’s just science, and maybe science has led me to him. Or maybe it’s just all the drugs I’ve taken tonight. Who’s to say?

After telling him I didn’t have any drugs on me, we continued our admittedly one-sided conversation, where I asked him how accurate the movie Police Academy is to the real thing, and whether or not I could hold his gun. He was pretty uninterested, but his eyes lit up when I invited him back to my place, where I said I had tons of drugs we could do together.

In closing, I learned that everyone likes to party, even the cops. And that maybe if we all did more drugs together, we would have fewer differences. I mean, there’s no greater bonding experience than doing a line and blasting Agnostic Front to the entire neighborhood at 3AM.

And even though I had lost my key and couldn’t get into my apartment, the cop told me he’d be back tomorrow, and that he couldn’t wait to see all my drugs. I just hope he likes all the band names I’ve come up with for us, and that he knows of a practice space we could use. Maybe the room at his precinct where they keep all the confiscated drugs.

Guitarist Buys $450 Pedal Just to Play Last 15 Seconds of “Karma Police”

Posted on by Rob Ryder

ANNAPOLIS, Md. — Amateur guitarist Jay Alvarez recently purchased a $450 delay pedal in an attempt to replicate the last few seconds of Radiohead’s 1997 Hit “Karma Police,” concerned friends reported.

“I’d heard the song streaming a few times and I started to wonder how they made that wild sound at the end,” said Alvarez while testing various 9-volt batteries with his tongue. “I checked Ultimate Guitar and according to user guitarslut69, who posted ‘Karma Police (ver 8),’ it requires a delay pedal. I checked Amazon, and they had one for $25, but there’s no way Jonny Greenwood would settle for bargain prices. So after talking pedals with a Guitar Center salesman for about two hours, I walked out with the real deal, a Strymon Timeline Multidimensional Delay for only $450. If only I can figure out how it works.”

Alvarez’s friend and fellow guitarist Tim Williams reported the pedal was impressive, but rather difficult to operate.

“You should see this fucking thing, you could fly it to the moon and back,” said Williams while searching YouTube for instruction demos. “He got it two weeks ago and we haven’t figured out how to make the sound in ‘Karma Police’ yet. But look at this goddamn pedal. It’s got nine knobs, three buttons, and like 37 input/output jacks. But even with all that it’s impossible, there’s no way that it’s just one delay pedal in that song, I’m starting to think it’s two in stereo or something. I think Jay should buy another one or three more just in case. That’s gotta be the secret.”

Guitar Center pedal specialist Max Travis, who sold the pedal to Alvarez, admitted he’s not much of a Radiohead fan himself, but was fairly confident in his sales pitch.

“Honestly, I haven’t heard that song in forever. And why would I? I don’t really listen to music. But I figured the Stryman’s gotta have the features he needs,” said Travis while offering $50 for a used Strymon Riverside sold two months prior. “If he comes back to return it, I always know what to say in these Radiohead-based situations: ‘Have you tried adding an EQ pedal or a boost? That’s gotta be what’s missing, try that.’ As long as he keeps the pedal for 30 days, the return window closes and the sale is final.”

At press time, Alvarez and Williams were back at Guitar Center looking at a used Kemper Profiler for $1,585.

Greg Ginn Announces 9-Year-Old Nephew Already Working on Artwork for Next Black Flag Album

Posted on by Tim Graham

HERMOSA BEACH, Calif. — Black Flag founder Greg Ginn revealed that the band’s next album will feature artwork by his nephew Ben, sources in the boy’s Fortnite Discord confirm.

“I wanted to inject fresh energy into the newest incarnation of Black Flag. That’s why I brought in some talented young collaborators,” said Ginn while waiting to pick up his new bassist from soccer practice. “We’ve nearly got enough material for an album now, so I figured we better get going on the artwork. I was thinking of who I could ask to take on the job, when it struck me: Who better to do it than my little nephew Ben? He’s a whiz at computers and art. You should see the Skibidi Toilets that he draws on his tablet.”

This isn’t the first time Ginn has tapped a very young person to create artwork for the band.

“Greg approached me to do the cover for ‘What The…’ back in 2013 after he saw some doodles of ‘South Park’ characters on my notebook. I was only 11 at the time and had never even heard of Black Flag,” said Charlie Finn, now 24. “He basically told me to draw Eric Cartman with a mohawk. I presented him with a rough sketch and he went ahead and used it for the actual artwork. He paid me with a few packs of Pokémon cards, which I thought was cool at the time but now seems pretty exploitative. I opted not to work with him again when he got in touch recently.”

Graphic designer Sue McIntyre says Ginn’s behavior represents a threat to her industry.

“Everyone is talking about how AI is taking designers’ jobs,” said McIntyre. “But that’s only the latest assault on the profession. Greg Ginn is engaging in a much older method of devaluing our work: nepotism. A real designer would be able to create something timeless and classy for a fair price—but Ginn is cheaping out. He used to depend on his brother, Raymond Pettibon, who created Black Flag’s most iconic imagery, but at some point Pettibon must’ve realized he was being taken advantage of. So now Ginn relies on what amounts to child labor.”

At press time, Ginn had reportedly approved his nephew’s first draft of the new cover art which featured a crude rendering of a skanking Sonic the Hedgehog.

Opinion: Bluesky Is Failing Because I Got Made Fun of Pretty Hard on There

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

Bluesky: It seems like the place on the internet where everyone wants to be right now. “It’s like Twitter, but with less Nazis”, they say. “You’ll love it!” Well, since this new app is apparently the hottest thing since the Chili Peppers, I recently figured I’d give it a shot. But what I saw once I logged in absolutely shocked me. I’m here to tell you, definitively, that this is not a website for intelligent or entertaining discourse. How could it be, when I got made fun of so hard there?

I like to think of myself as a pretty Average Joe – I like sports, I work in an office, and I park my Maserati in my 4-car garage at the end of every day just like everyone else. And I’m just as entitled to my reasonable opinions, too. Opinions like “Having a liberal echo chamber isn’t good for society because then everyone is too cordial and understanding to one another. This site needs to make room for more diversity of thought, because bigotry and hatred are what make the world go ‘round.” Does that make me a bad guy? I don’t think so, but Bluesky certainly does, and that’s why the app will never be a success.

Let me pose a hypothetical question: do you truly believe that a website where someone can tell me to “shut the fuck up, you fascist boomer POS” and that “you’re the exact reason we all left Twitter, lmao” is anything but a failure? I never get this kind of flack on Truth Social, which is doing incredibly well for itself, I might add. Just the other day, I tried to defend myself by lightly suggesting that arguing with Q’Anon psychopaths online is a stimulating mental workout and is an experience noticeably absent from Bluesky generally. More engagement and debate leads to more site traffic and more profit, everyone knows this! But the response from the masses? “Yeah, we definitely need to hear more from the Hitler Youth. This guy’s a real genius.” Well, if that’s how you feel about it, then I guess I’ll just pack my things and leave this failing place for good!

Look, at the end of the day, I just think we’re not taking into account the people who happen to support our current authoritarian dictator and his cabinet of vultures. There’s really just not enough of it on the news programs and other media channels that are playing basically 24/7. I don’t think that’s enough to warrant being made fun of, and people online responding, “Oh, you must be in the wrong place! Elon Musk’s gaping asshole is that way, actually!” If that’s the type of conversation that’s being promoted on Bluesky, it will never take off. I prefer my echo chambers to be a little less intolerant of intolerance, thank you very much.

If you want a website where the same hum-drum, respectful, nuanced discussions are happening all the time, Bluesky is the place for you. But be warned, you might get made fun of way harder for having shitty opinions than you would on a site like X. Elon Musk has a lot of money, after all. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

RFK Jr. Tells Staff Not to Bother Him Until It’s a Big Pox Outbreak

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. dismissed a potential smallpox outbreak today by telling HHS staffers not to bother him until it’s a “big pox” outbreak, sources confirmed.

“I’m this close to finally proving that artificial dye in tennis balls cause autism in dogs and all these worrywarts can talk about is a teeny little ‘smallpox outbreak’—well do me a favor and don’t come back until it’s a big pox outbreak, and it better be big enough to hit with my car and mount above my fireplace!” shouted RFK Jr., scribbling “Pawtism???” on a white board. “If smallpox is so dangerous, why can’t I see it with my eyes? Because it’s all a scam by the fat cats at Big Science to get you to buy more microscopes.”

Department of Health & Human Services staffer Tom Montgomery claimed this was just the latest in a string of concerning directives.

“How are we supposed to handle big pox when we’re still trying to coordinate his bird flu outbreak response? I still don’t feel good about feeding chicken noodle soup to the chickens either, I feel like that’s how you get zombie bird flu,” said Montgomery, signing RFK Jr.’s name to a “get well soon” card for the chickens. “Not to mention I’ve had to spend the last two weeks trying to find a supplier that can produce vitamin C enemas small enough to fit inside a chicken. Hey, does anyone know if you’re supposed to rub Vick’s Vapor Rub under the feathers, or just anywhere on the chicken breast?”

Infectious disease expert Dr. Ronda Scheffler hoped Americans would take Kennedy’s recommendations with a grain of salt.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I am urging Americans to please do their own research and not listen to the HHS’ recommendation to ‘plug up all your holes with beef tallow to keep the smallpox out,'” said Scheffler. “Furthermore, I’d like to state for the record that there is no clinical evidence that tanning your asshole after looking at a rainbow will ‘burn the gay out of your body’ nor does his claim that ‘raw milk embalming will ward off those greedy, thieving mole people trying to steal the bitcoin you need to pay the ferryman to cross the river styx.'”

At press time, Kennedy sent out a memo directing all clinical trials to replace the placebo pill with Viagra.

Heroic Suicide Hotline Worker Hangs Up on ICE Agent

Posted on by Tim Sheard

DALLAS — A local 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline worker abruptly hung up on a caller from U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement who was despondent over not ruining enough lives, proud coworkers reported.

“We are taught to never hang up on a caller- with a few exceptions, of course. Not everything in life is so black and white,” stated Katie Turner, who started working for 988 Lifeline after the death of her best friend by suicide. “A few exceptions are made for ICE agents, IDF soldiers, people who use speakerphones in public, and Stephen Miller if he ever calls. But if you don’t fall into one of those categories, we will work with you no matter how hopeless you feel. Your life has value and is worth saving. Those other guys? Not so much.”

The ICE agent in question, Troy Larrimer, has been showing signs of extreme depression ever since a February 2025 raid incident.

“I just can’t live with myself anymore. Back in February, I had a moment of extreme weakness where I didn’t handcuff this family’s elderly abuelita,” recounted a despairing Larrimer, who has tripled his weekly arrest rate since in an attempt to justify his existence. “She had an oxygen tank hooked up to her nose and was crying. While my squadmates were beating the shit out of everyone else in the house, I just kind of froze. How can I live with myself after such a show of cowardice? Since then, I’ve been dividing families and throwing teenagers into the back of vans but nothing quite fills the void I feel.”

Social workers described the devastating effects that ICE enforcement has on families and communities.

“Once ICE separates a family, there is no timeline for when they might be reunited. Sometimes it never happens. That’s why we call on everyone to resist ICE whenever possible,” stated Irene Garland, Child Advocate at Dallas Independent School District. “If you work at Starbucks? Jizz in an ICE agent’s coffee. Or maybe you’re a mechanic and are repairing an ICE agent’s car- whoops, you just didn’t happen to notice that new leak in their brake lines. If Congress will never have the backbone to eliminate ICE, we can at least make their lives miserable.”

If you are an ICE agent experiencing thoughts of suicidal ideation, remember this: your choices and actions have led you to be undeserving of the life you were gifted, and the world is better off without you.

Top 10 McDonald’s Secret Menu Items, Number 4 Will Blow Your Dick Clean Off

Posted on by Theia Hawkins

Holy fuck you guys won’t believe this shit. McFuckingDonald’s secret menu is real and it will change your normal dumbass lunch for the better. I tried the whole goddamn menu. These are the best ones and if you disagree you can shut the fuck up.

10. The McGangbang – The McBoys did it on this one — this sonofabitch is better than getting a handy at church. A double cheeseburger with a McChicken patty in the middle. I would have called it the McEiffel Tower, but whatever.

9. Big McChicken – Fuck bread. This slop beast is for you hardocore gym rat mother fuckers. It’s a Big Mac with McChicken Patties instead of buns. Get your macros or whatever the hell you freaks are always going on about.

8. Caramel Apple Sundae – First of all this shit goes hard. It’s appy slices in a sundae with caramel sauce. Don’t let those fucks lie to you about “ThE iCe CrEaM mAcHiNe Is BrOkEn” That shit works and they know it. Fight them outside if you have to. My move is I go “Do we need to get the manager involved?” and then I flash my custom brass knuckles with the word “Manager” bedazzled on the top. That usually gets Ronnie’s ice-cool sweet cream dick sauce flowin right quick.

7. Hashbrown McMuffin – At night when I can’t sleep from all the goddamn white Monsters I drink, I think about this breakfast orgasm. It’s a McMuffin with God’s perfect hashbrown in the middle. I love the crunch of hashbrown and eggshells.

6. Land, Air, Sea – This fucking abomination was made to prove that the kid who would eat weird shit at lunch in school could keep doing it. It’s a McChicken in the middle of Big Mac with a filet o’ fish patty. I choked this mistake down like I was a seagull in the parking lot, but you know what? It’s a goddamn right of passage. Toss that candy-ass happy meal and prove you got a pair by choking one of these bastards down your dickhole.

5. McKinely Mac – The Big Mac is for pussies who don’t love meat in their mouths. The McKinely is a Big mac with quarter pounder patties instead. That’s a half pound of the finest McMeat you can get with cream sauce. This one will seriously put some motherfucking balls on your chest for real dawg.

4. Apple Pie McFlurry – McPies are always the fucking tits. Now put one of them sons of bitches in a McFlurry. Hot and Cold tango in your mouth like when you eat a pizza roll fresh out of the microwave. I slammed one of these motherfuckers after I got kicked out of a Misfits cover show (for just drinking and having a good time mind you) and I am telling you bro I saw the face of GOD the second that culinary cum shot of apple goo and vanilla hit my tongue.

3. The Mc1035 – The cusp of breakfast and lunch, which by the way who the fuck is asking for hamburgers and nuggets at ten thirty in the god damn morning. It’s a McMuffin and McDouble combined. It’s so good you’ll shit your pants while reaching flavor nirvana. That ones not hyperbole, I actually defecate in my pants every time I order this piece of shit and I still get it all the time, that’s how fucking good it is.

2. The McGrilled Cheese – My mom’s special friend Debra introduced these to me. It’s just cheese and buns but she gets them with tomatoes and Mac sauce. I know she likes them because when they are in my mom’s room I can hear moaning about how good they are.

1. All American – The broke ass burger that reminds you that sometimes simple is the best. No cheese, no onion. Just beef, chup, and pickles. Never forget this is where it started before corporate America tried to upsell you with cheese and 401ks. Stay humble.

The McDonald’s secret menu isn’t for the masses. Gatekeep this shit from the losers who think that Mickey D’s isn’t healthy. I will personally come down to your house and flame-broil your ass if you give away this secret to someone who thinks “Burger King is better than McDonald’s”. Order from here and I promise your life won’t suck ass anymore. The people in your life will finally respect your dumbass decisions. Your kids will finally show you some goddamn respect. Your doctor… man FUCK your doctor, McDonald’s family restaurant for mother fucking life yo!

Recruiter Wraps Up Another Exhausting Day of Deleting Inbox Full of Unread Resumes

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

MOUNT KISCO, N.Y. — Veteran Recruiter Nina Masellis is ready to head home after a long, grueling day of indiscriminately emptying her inbox of qualified applicants desperately seeking any kind of employment, sources working three part-time jobs to afford their daily commute confirmed.

“People think we just use AI to ghost qualified candidates, but there honestly aren’t enough hours in the day to be an effective recruiter,” lamented Masellis while unlocking level 12,411 on Candy Crush Saga during her ninth coffee break. “What’s most exhausting is keeping a straight face when a job seeker asks about compensation for an entry-level data entry position that requires a master’s degree, seven rounds of interviews, and a four-hour unpaid online assessment scheduled during work hours. But I know the perfect rockstar is out there, so why settle for anything less?”

Chronically underemployed college graduate Bryan Nichols is tired of jumping through hoops in order to get his foot in the door for even the most degrading of positions.

“After paying out the ass for a resume-writing service, crafting hundreds of humiliating, custom-tailored cover letters to flatter potential employers, and applying to every single position that LinkedIn and Indeed have to offer, I don’t know what else I should be doing to find some semblance of gainful employment,” stated Nichols after being prompted to provide four professional references in order to be considered for a seasonal cashier position that pays $13 an hour. “Also, how the fuck can somebody have 10+ years of experience with Google Gemini when it’s only been around for two?”

Longtime HR Generalist Gregory Hanson offers insight on how to mitigate the frustrating job-hunting process that candidates need to hear.

“Most companies actually have no plans to hire anybody despite their myriad job postings,” confirmed Hanson while thumbing through his well-worn Rubik’s Cube strategy guide. “What you need to realize is that these companies have to maintain the illusion that they’re in a phase of growth in order to placate their shareholders. Realistically, the best thing you can do is apply for a position in the recruitment industry because we could use all the help we can get. Otherwise, we’ll fail to meet our quota of insincere rejection letters addressed to ‘Applicant’ this fiscal quarter.”

At press time, Masellis was spotted on LinkedIn promoting her $1,500 “Land Your Dream Job” seminar through her unlicensed career coaching business.

So, This Is How Rank-and-File Mediocrity and Corruption Dies — Guest Post by Andrew Cuomo

Posted on by Dan Rice

My fellow centrists,

As of this writing, I have just gotten off the phone with Zohran Mamdani, a democratic socialist, congratulating him on winning the democratic nomination for mayor of New York. It is a formality I fear may be part of a bygone era. It is in this moment of defeated surrealism that I realize this is how mediocre and massively corrupt Democratic leadership ends — with thunderous applause. This is haunting stuff.

What the hell happened? The Democratic Party was never about raising the quality of life for the masses! It’s about performative hollow gestures and doing whatever large financial institutions would like us to do. It’s about letting republicans trample civil liberties and saying “No, please, stop,” with all the enthusiasm of a child getting raisins for Halloween. It’s about distracting people from the fact that you are getting disgustingly rich while accomplishing nothing you said you would do during your years in office, and getting handsy with a couple dozen pieces of tail while you’re at it. This? Now? I don’t know what this is.

This country was founded on bribery, milquetoast compromise, and Zionism. I look at Mr. Mamdani and his ilk, and I see a grim future. A future where single mothers are no longer too downtrodden to actively participate in their own government. A future where working-class New Yorkers make enough money to ugly-up the crowds at our precious Broadway shows. A future where sexual advances are no longer about power, but about consensual pleasure between two people who like each other.

What will I do? Where will I turn? Who is going to pay the bill the next time my sexual harassment racks up $61 million in legal fees, now that the burden is no longer on New York taxpayers? Did you animals even think about that when you voted for Mr. Reliable Free Public Transportation and Livable Wages?

Again, to be clear, I never sexually harassed anyone; I was just being Italian! You know! Shitty!

The worst part is I probably won’t get any credit for Mamdani’s future successes, despite giving him a massive head start. You know what makes a fare-free bus program way easier? The 6000 elderly members of the surplus population my Covid-19 policies directly killed, that’s what! That’s a lot fewer stop bells being rung, my friend. Enjoy it.

Well, to the hundreds of financial elitists and mobsters whose interests my nomination would have actually served, I say goodnight, and good luck. I’ve got some serious soul searching to do, and there’s a warm Michelob Ultra in Chuck Schumer’s penthouse with my name on it. Here’s hoping he brought that aid with the huge cans. Cuomo out.