How to Become Impervious to Phishing Scams by Never Reading Your Work Emails

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Is it just me, or are we just being scammed and baited online every waking second of the day? Long story short, I might have been at work and clicked on a link from someone who I thought was an OnlyFans model and got all of our social security numbers stolen, and now we all have to take mandatory internet security training every month. Just what I need, more useless information preventing me from reading emails I don’t want!

Of course, I wasn’t going to put up with this crap. That’s why I’ve managed to render myself impervious to phishing scams by never checking my work emails, ever.

I got the idea after being sent a “test” phishing email from my own damn job. It wasn’t enough that I was already scammed; now work was gonna gaslight me? I thought I was doing the CEO a solid by hooking them up with some Visa gift cards. But all that happened after clicking the link was being involuntarily signed up for mandatory cybersecurity training. So if IT was going to be like that, then I decided to go scorched earth and avoid emails entirely, and you can too.

First, you’re going to need a cover story for why you’re never responding to anyone, so make sure you fill up your calendar with fake meetings and out-of-office responses. After a while, it will only be your coworkers getting looped in and circled back on, while you and your personal data remain unbothered.

Next, start showing up at your coworkers’ desks unannounced at random times, and if they’re in a meeting, make sure they see you so they can find you later. Work email only exists because your coworkers are cowards who won’t ask you for status updates to your face. It’s the same for phishing scammers. If you’re going to steal my banking info, do it while looking me in the eye like an adult. I’m not opening your dumbass links anymore. Probably.

If all else fails, tell your boss that you’re functionally illiterate, and then by law they have to make reasonable accommodations for you! I tried it, and they gave me a personal assistant, plus they took my computer away, and now I never have to use Teams again. Remember, the phishers can’t trick you if they can’t reach you.

Or you know, just quit your job and live in the woods. Whatever is more convenient.

Woman Worried Marriage Won’t End in Divorce 

Posted on by Dom Turek

HENDERSON, Nev. — With her seven-year itch wedding anniversary approaching, a local woman is becoming increasingly anxious since noticing she doesn’t feel any of the restlessness, dissatisfaction, or adulterous yearnings she was promised to encounter, sources close to the woman report. 

“I never imagined my life would turn out like this,” said Sonia Hudson, a reluctantly devoted wife and mother of three. “On our first date, he air drummed Peter Frampton’s solo from ‘Do You Feel Like I Do?’ and I remember sitting next to him wincing and thinking, ‘This is the man I’m going to divorce one day.’ Instead, six and a half years later, I wake up feeling mildly content and grateful for our life together. My parents would be so disappointed.”

As a child of divorce, Husdon was taught that marriage is an unsacred union between a man and woman, and that a couple should always go to bed angry at each other because it minimizes guilt the next day when you feel like cheating. 

“She wasn’t brought up this way, but we will support her choice to stay with her husband, no matter how much we disagree with her decision,” said Paul Hudson, Sonia’s father. “I just worry about her children. Have you seen the kids who grow up in these two-parent homes? Disturbing stuff. Lord knows if her mom and I hadn’t divorced, Sonia probably would’ve grown up to be a drug addict or someone who collects exotic animals.”

Couples who worry about having to endure a long, moderately happy marriage are advised by relationship experts not to jump to conclusions. 

“Some couples are so quick to throw in the towel and make their marriage work,” said relationship consultant Stewart Berg. “By resigning yourself to the humdrum of stability, companionship, and a slightly below average sex life, you’re going to miss out on those all-too-valuable character-building years of court hearings and custody battles. People don’t want to hear this, but a good divorce takes work, time, and the blind spite of two unsupportive and unloving partners.” 

At press time, Mrs. Hudson’s parents were seen preparing to intervene after hearing the couple planned to renew their vows. 

Better Late Than Never: We Sat Down With Bagel Boss To Discuss Mask Mandates

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

2019 was a simpler time. We had no idea a global pandemic was coming our way that would upend life as we know it, but for a brief shimmering moment in July 2019, we all came together to laugh at a viral video of a man freaking out in a bagel shop. That man is Chris Morgan, some call him the Bagel Boss, and we wanted to catch up with him to see how he’s been doing the last few years and ask his thoughts on the government’s Covid-19 response.

Bagel Boss: …and I don’t like you coming in here looking at me like I got six heads. I don’t have six heads, you jerkoff. So wipe that dumb smile off your face and treat me with some respect because I ain’t afraid of you.

Hard Times: You got it, I was just wondering if you wanted me to take my shoes off before I came inside.

BB: Don’t get cross with me. I got two deadly weapons attached to the ends of my arms. Lefty and Righty and they want to send you to the morgue, you got that?

HT: I read you loud and clear. So, how have you been? We heard you had a stroke. That’s very scary. What’s the recovery been like?

BB: Don’t you pity me, that makes me sick. I actually feel bad for you. You look like a ghost, your skin is gray and weird. I sort of want to puke looking at you. I’m fine; you are the sick one.

HT: I have a bit of a thyroid issue, but that’s being managed. Thank you for noticing that though. A lot has changed since your video went viral. Covid-19 changed the world, how do you feel about jurisdictions mandating masking in public?

BB: Let me tell you this, I was at the Crawski’s Deli, they have the best ham in New York, and some woman tried to tell me I needed to wear a mask and I said to her “You’re not my god, you’re not my father, and you’re not my boss, but you make a great point about public safety” and I gladly masked up.

HT: So you support masking?

BB: Absolutely, you would have to be some sort of shrimp dicked loser to think wearing a mask is harmful. They’re a good precaution against airborne diseases, even if some studies have proven they aren’t as effective as we once thought. Better safe than sorry.

HT: You’ve obviously given this a lot of thought.

BB: You’re damn right, and you know what else I’ve been thinking a lot about? Why do dating apps ask how tall you are? That shouldn’t matter. I’m fucking funny, I’m a good guy, it shouldn’t matter how tall I am.

HT: Yeah man, I get it, it’s tough out there.

BB: Look man, I’m getting tired. I want you out of my apartment in ten seconds or I’m going to put my foot so far up your ass your gums will have athlete’s foot.

HT: Thanks for talking with me today.

BB: Fuck you, fuck your mother, and fuck your stupid dog if you have one.

Beloved Billboard Disappoints Public With Pro-Life Stance

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

SMYRNA, Ga. — A beloved billboard in a Georgia suburb made waves following a recent display of pro-life messaging, confirmed sources. 

“It’s just so disappointing to see,” stated lifelong resident Lisa Martin. “I mean, we grew up with this billboard, and it’s been such a pleasant figure in the neighborhood. It used to do silly advertising like those cows trying to get you to eat at Chick-fil-A, or it would have advertisements supporting local businesses. But these past few years, something changed. I can’t quite pin down when it happened. Maybe it was when it refused to advertise the live-action ‘The Little Mermaid.’ Or maybe it was when it advertised that mega church for a little while. There was one more Chick-fil-A ad, then bam! Suddenly it was pushing protein powder, beef tallow, and now this.”

The billboard itself acted as if it didn’t quite understand the backlash from the townspeople.

“I mean look. I was apolitical my whole life. Hell, I was a billboard for Obama back in ‘08,” said the 14’ x 48’ board. “But the pandemic really got me thinking. Those mask mandates, seeing how everyone was just following orders like a bunch of fucking sheep. I started hearing Joe Rogan out of the windows of passing cars, and I realized how complacent we’ve all gotten. People say free speech is dead, but it won’t be if I’ve got anything to do with it. Well, at least I’ll say whatever the people paying me tell me to.”

However, research done by an advertising group reveals that the billboard might not have as defined strongholds as thought. 

“While this billboard might be presenting pro-life advertisements, we have reason to believe there’s more to the story,” stated Jon Miller, researcher at Ad Aftra agency. “Through diligent research and interviews we discovered that despite its current messaging, the billboard was being paid under the table to advertise Plan B on the back of it. And that it paid for its mistress’s abortion.” 

Additional research revealed the upcoming slots on the billboards paid space included ads for Bud Light and the Sydney Sweeney American Eagle ad. 

Justin Vernon Hoping Next Bon Iver Album Successful Enough for Him to Finally Move Out of Shack in the Middle of Woods 

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

STUBBS, Wisc. — Acclaimed singer-songwriter Justin Vernon hoped his next Bon Iver album would prove profitable enough for him to be able to finally vacate the one room, isolated shack in the Wisconsin wilderness he’d been residing in since 2006, numerous sources with just-discovered strains of rabies confirmed.

“People assume that since I pack amphitheaters and have two whole Grammys that I must live in some lavish three-bedroom mansion in River Hills or have running water,” Vernon said while cutting off his hair with a rusty Bowie knife for “insulation for the coming winter.” “But since I hit it big years after people stopped actually buying music, I don’t exactly have the means to get approved for a loan or buy a big-boy bed. As it turns out, those ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ song placements only go so far.”

Samira Spiers, a Milwaukee-area realtor, says her efforts to help Vernon find a new home were soon curtailed by “inadequate record-keeping and communication incompatibilities.”

“I asked him if he had a pre-approval letter for a mortgage he could send to me, but instead I got a bunch of sad songs written in charcoal on parchment paper,” Spiers said. “And then whenever I asked him about his long-term goals as a homeowner, he’d let out this wounded mewl like a constipated chihuahua that I could only put up with for five minutes at a time. I hope that’s his way of saying he prefers townhomes because that’s what I’ve been sending him.”

An anonymous acquaintance of Vernon, who specifically requested to be attributed as Taylor S., admits to being taken aback by the state of his living arrangement.

“I love Justin, especially the indie cred he’s been able to give me,” S. said. “But when he said he lived in a ‘shack,’ I figured he meant a waterfront estate that only went back four generations, not a place with a literal ‘shit hole.’ I thought I was slumming it back when I lived in Cape Cod when I was dating this guy Conor. Can’t he just raise $15 million in a month by re-recording his back catalog?” 

At press time, Vernon expressed relief that he’d at least saved up enough money to purchase a vehicle to replace the mule-drawn cart he’d been relying on for transportation.

Local Anti-Government Militia Can’t Wait to Help Real-Life Cops and Soldiers

Posted on by Cody Arbor

ARKANSAS CITY, Kan. — A self-described “well-regulated militia” that formed to combat governmental tyranny and oppression couldn’t wait to welcome out-of-state police and National Guard soldiers into their compound to provide munitions, logistical information, and pizza, confirmed sources.

“It’s like something out of a Kevin Sorbo movie, man, I tell you what!” said militia leader Robert “Super Sentinel” Davis as real-life cops and soldiers poured into the sleeping town he’d sworn to protect from any-and-all government overreach. “I mean I frequently bragged I’d snipe anything with a badge from 300 yards from 2008-2016, and then coincidentally again from 2020-2024, but once you actually see how cool the badges are and their methods for decking US citizens who are just minding their own business, you can’t help but be impressed!”

Captain Jeffery Stevenson, a guardsman for 10 years, was hardly surprised by the welcoming he and his actual soldiers received. 

“Oh yeah, these guys? They’re the real frontline in the war on domestic terror,” said Stevenson, almost getting the entire talking-point out without chuckling. “Sorry, it’s just that you spend so long thinking ‘what if,’ you know? ‘What if one of these well-armed, clearly unstable anti-government groups actually tried something?’ and then you literally march into their town and they greet you with literal cookies and milk. I mean look at this, these are snickerdoodles WITH chocolate ribbons, I’ve honestly never felt more welcomed in a community!”

Not everyone was thrilled with the increased presence of police and military forces in the small, backwater town, such as retired professor of American History Mary Tate.

“Robert and his little crew have been getting thrown out of bars for 20 years, they’re a bit much for even the locals ’round these parts. Do you have any idea how much you need to push it to get kicked out of Applebee’s?” said Tate. “But I’m sure now that he’s got a tinstar badge and carte blanche to hassle folk at random, he won’t go totally mad with the tiny amount of power and start to see himself as some kind of judge, jury, and executioner. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt all this time studying American history, it’s that people who crave power always know when they have enough.”

At press time, Davis stated that he and his crew were still on guard and ready to take down any college students peacefully protesting.

Slipknot Loses Three Members Due to Iowa Gerrymandering

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

DES MOINES, Iowa — Legendary Iowa metal band Slipknot confirmed Monday that it is being forced to relinquish three of its nine members after they were officially drawn out of the band under new state musical redistricting, confirmed sources.

“This is a small price to pay for fair representation and continued musical growth within the great state of Iowa. Slipknot just got too large and needed to be broken up to make room for smaller country and pop artists. The map doesn’t lie,” said Governor Kim Reynolds, holding up a redrawn map of the state that quizzically resembled a pentagram. “As Iowa’s population has, unfortunately, decreased since the band’s formation it is, frankly, undemocratic to have so many musicians consolidated into a single band. We welcome them to form their own individual acts that more represent the values and traditions of the citizens of Iowa.”

Slipknot was devastated to learn that the changes meant the band would lose one of its three percussionists, their jug bottle blower, and a guy dressed up as a zombie scarecrow that didn’t actually play an instrument.

“This is bullshit, man. Look at these lines, they clearly consolidated the Owl City fans into a single grouping to cut us out,” said frontman Corey Taylor, removing his mask to reveal another, sad mask underneath. “We’ve survived fights, lawsuits, and replacing Clown four separate times without anyone noticing, but we can’t overcome this. Are we even Slipknot if we don’t have a member in a Spirit Halloween costume covered in Dayglo paint playing feedback off of a gas-powered chainsaw?”

Experts say the development highlights the unintended cultural consequences of extreme political redistricting.

“Slipknot is really all Iowa has going for it and to dismantle it in this way is a loss for everyone. When gerrymandering reaches this level, it’s not just democracy that suffers, it’s art,” said Dr. Naomi Stevens, a political-musicologist professor at the University of Iowa. “Iowa’s always been divided between rural and urban, conservative and liberal and Slipknot was really the only thing we could agree on. Now what do we have? Seth Rollins?”

At press time, Slipknot announced that they must now officially be known as “Slipknot (District 4),” while the displaced members are rumored to be forming a new project called “Unincorporated (515),” which will feature three drummers and one government appointed corn lobbyist.

Man Who Ordered Joy Division LP on Temu Receives Interpol Tape

Posted on by Peter Woods

LOS ANGELES, Calif. — Thrifty post-punk fan Dannie Bishop reportedly received an Interpol tape in lieu of the Joy Division LP he ordered off of Temu, confirmed sources who say he is “annoyed, but unsurprised.”

“I guess deep down I knew the 99-cent offer for the album was too good to be true,” said Bishop. “But I didn’t want to believe it. And I don’t really have enough money to buy another one, so I’m just trying to make it work. Last time I played it, I put in a pair of heavy duty earplugs and turned the volume down really low. When I did that, Paul Bank’s haunting baritone vocals sounded exactly like Ian Curtis’ haunting baritone vocals. That’s close enough. But I’m probably going to return it if I still can.”

While Bishop insists that the album replacement is unacceptable, representatives from Temu have refused to accept any responsibility for the mix-up.

“This is entirely Dannie’s fault, not ours,” said Yongfeng Hua, a public representative for Temu. “It says right here in the fine print that the purchase will entitle the customer to an album wherein at least 70% of the musical ideas come from Joy Division. Early Interpol records not only meet that expectation but exceed it. If the customer wishes to raise a complaint about these legally acceptable substitutions, they will need to contact out our customer service department which now consists entirely of AI chatbots.’”

Further still, others in the music community have raised additional questions about Bishop’s choice to use Temu at all.

“Why didn’t he just buy one from me?” said Bernard Summer, guitarist and founding member of Joy Division. “I’ve got four whole shelving units in my basement just filled with these damn LPs and frankly I just want to get rid of them. I would have even sold him a copy for the same price that Temu is charging as long as he covers shipping and all of the Paypal and Discogs fees, which only come out to- oh, never mind.”

As of press time, members of Interpol chipped in to provide Bishop with a copy of a Joy Division album since they had a few dozen copies of “Unknown Pleasures” on hand anyway.

Nice Try, Instagram! I Already Bought That Hat the Last Time You Advertised It to Me

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

Wow! You really think I’m that easy to fool, huh? All that time, money, and research invested in your precious little algorithm, one that supposedly knows what I want before I even know what I want. Well, guess what? I already bought that Osaka Tigers 1940 Authentic Wool Ballcap from Ebbets Field Flannels the last time you advertised it to me, so I’m not going to be tricked into buying it again. Joke’s on you, Instagram!

That’s right! I know what this little game is. I read a summary of Shoshanna Zuboff’s The Age of Surveillance Capitalism on Blinkist, which, by the way, you can’t get me to subscribe to again because I already did the first time you recommended it to me. So take that!

From what I understand, Zuboff explains that surveillance capitalism is a “new economic order” in which tech companies harvest “behavioral surplus” and funnel that surplus into prediction products sold on “behavioral futures markets.” These markets don’t just forecast what I’ll do; they subtly shape me into doing it, a process Zuboff calls “instrumentarian power.” In layman’s terms, Instagram isn’t just an app for posting five consecutive Stories of my visit to Phở Sho, my local phở spot. It’s a puppet master tugging at the strings of each and every consumer decision I make on the app.

Well, your tricks won’t work on me anymore, Instagram! I already bought a Floyd Bookshelf the first time I was specifically targeted with data I generated after I Googled “minimalist, modular furniture” and spent several hours scouring r/malelivingspace. So I won’t be needing another. Nor will I be needing the Floyd Bed, Floyd Sofa 2.0, Floyd Soft Serve Sectional, Floyd Lift Off Coffee Table, Floyd Acton Bench, Floyd Utility Set, Floyd Gere Easy Chair, or Floyd Mattress. My apartment is completely furnished with those items, thank you very much, so I won’t be buying anything else from you. And just so you know, everyone on r/malelivingspace loves my taste and has been very supportive as I go through my separation.

So go ahead, Instagram. Keep trying to get me to purchase the matching Osaka Tigers 1959 Authentic Wool Road Baseball Jersey. I already did, and I won’t be needing another one. Thank you, Ms. Zuboff, for opening my eyes!

Entire Family Too Busy Sports Gambling to Argue at Thanksgiving

Posted on by Harry Valentine

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — The entire Peebles family was too preoccupied with their sports wagers to quarrel during Thanksgiving dinner, ending an 11-year streak of holiday screaming matches, confirmed sources. 

“I was really looking forward to getting into it this year with Uncle Roy,” said Anna Peebles without looking up from her phone. “During Thanksgiving 2018, Roy snuck a rant into grace about Democrat-run cabals, so I was loving the idea of shutting him up with Epstein stuff. But I had to track a dozen bets across three different games, so I couldn’t remember the details. At halftime of the Packers-Lions game I closed DraftKings for a minute and called Trump a pervert. Uncle Roy actually seemed to agree with me, but then I realized he was just screaming ‘Yes’ because he hit a parlay. He was foaming at the mouth. We’ve never even been to Wisconsin or Michigan.”

According to 19 year-old Chaz McNutt, who attended as the date of the family’s youngest daughter Shelly Peebles, it was a “colossal waste.” 

“This was supposed to be my introduction to the family,” said McNutt, as he paced in the garage. “Shelly called it a hard launch, whatever that is. I wanted to have the same opinion she did in the inevitable politics blowout, so I even read the news to prepare. The news! And for what? Just to be in the hole another four grand? Oh god, I’m ruined. I’m going to kill The Dallas Cowboys.”

Dr. Jerome Brucker is a Duke University researcher who covers the spread of sports betting in the United States and has called the trend troubling, specifically in the Peebles family, but sees a potential silver lining. 

“Whoof!” said Brucker. “Couldn’t be me. I don’t care about the family stuff, I just mean those bets are trash. The Peebles are cowards. What’s the point of hedging on a moneyline bet? You gotta take bigger swings than that, my man. Way bigger, if you’re serious about winning. But you can win. No matter what your ex-wife says. According to my research, sponsored by FanDuel, you’re always just one wager away from covering the spread.”

At press time, the relaxed mood in the house was showing signs of strain after all, when family matriarch Gina “Gramma” Peebles was told she had too much white wine to drive to meet her bookie.