American Eagle Launches New ”Those People Are Just Better at Basketball” Ad Campaign

Posted on by Dan Rice

PITTSBURGH — American Eagle announced a series of ads highlighting how good black people are at playing basketball in an attempt at a major course correction after perceived racist undertones in their “Sydney Sweeney has good jeans” ad campaign, company executives confirmed.

“We were mortified when some people perceived the Sydney Sweeney ad as promoting white supremacy,” said AE spokesperson Tiffany Roseland. “At American Eagle, we pride ourselves on being the furthest thing from racists imaginable. That’s why we’re setting things right with a new ad series highlighting the way Black men just absolutely dominate the court. Would a racist company celebrate the fact that Black people’s knack for rhythm and higher bone density make them superior athletes? I think not!”

The ad, featuring a black basketball player dunking over Sydney Sweeney, who turns to camera and shrugs as the words “Those people are just better at basketball” superimposed on the screen, is the first of many that AE executives claim will highlight the achievements of non-whites.

“This is only the beginning, so anyone accusing our company of being white supremacist better get ready to eat humble pie!” said AE Marketing director Kurth Cornworth. “Next up, we’re dropping two simultaneous ads, one about how Latinos are all about ‘la familia,’ and another highlighting how much better Asians are at math. ‘How are they going to use those observations to sell jeans?’ you ask. Don’t worry. We hired the most Jewish ad agency on Madison Avenue; they’ll know exactly how to spin it. After the check clears, of course. If you know what I’m saying.”

Much to the company’s chagrin, the ad has already been met with its own hailstorm of backlash, including from voices on the right.

“Black people dominate basketball? Give me a break!” said staunch conservative Donald Connors. “What about Larry Bird? What about all of the fantastic Russian players? This is nothing but woke white erasure, and I won’t stand for it! Larry Bird actually played a scrimmage in jeans one time, I’d like to see Michael Shaq or whoever do that!”

When reached for comment, AE’s board of directors simply gushed at how well spoken Charles Barkley is.

Punk House Doorbell Just Big Hole in Door You Scream Into

Posted on by Chris Bowen

ITHACA, N.Y. — Tenants of a local punk house solved their issue of not having a working doorbell by smashing a huge hole into the front door and asking guests to scream into it when they arrived, confirmed sources who couldn’t think of any other way around it.

“We all got sick and tired of our lazy-ass slumlord ignoring our requests for a working doorbell, so we did what any self-respecting punks would do and used a sledgehammer to smash a 10 by 8 hole into the front door,” punk house tenant Megan Marquez explained. “Now we know when our Grubhub driver is here to deliver food, or if they’re being brutally murdered. Not to mention the cross-breeze feels quite refreshing this time of year. The only downside is that we frequently mistake the screams coming from next door as guests ringing our new doorbell. Some people just do not have manners.”

Landlord Richard Stratford was less than pleased with the new addition.

“I showed up to do a routine inspection, and found bugs, bats, bees, plus a family of raccoons that made their way through the new ‘doorbell,’” Stratford said while patching up the hole with duct tape. “Not only that, but they have holes kicked in walls throughout the place, and they are calling them ‘doorbells’ too. They also took it upon themselves to make a bathroom doorbell, a crawl space doorbell, and an attic doorbell. I think I’m going to need to jack up their rent by a couple hundred bucks now.”

Skuz Wilson, dubbed the “Punk Rock Bob Vila,” made his career out of providing tips on DIY home projects.

“The old ‘smashing a hole in the door doorbell’ is a classic from my third video, ‘You Can Get Vomit Out of That, and Several Other DIY Work-Arounds,’” Wilson explained. “In that edition, I also provide a failsafe way to unclog your toilet using only a crowbar, as well as an easy way to put up that mailbox you’ve always wanted using only an axe. If you order now, I’ll even throw in a pack of smokes and a sixer of Steel Reserve! Just make sure to sign the mandatory waiver that comes with every DVD.”

At press time, the tenants of the punk house made their own in-ground pool using a tarp and mostly rain water.

What if the Most Punk Thing All Along Was Actually To Settle Down With a Husband and a Dog in a Comfortable but Modest Home in South Jersey?

Posted on by Malia Simon

As a lifelong punk coming up on my 29th birthday, I’m starting to have a lot of realizations about life: maybe my dad was right about the secret benefits of having a reliable income. Maybe a new toothbrush every year is worth the $ 7.99. Maybe my planters fasciitis would go away if I didn’t wear Doc Martens year round.

I know what you’re thinking. No, this isn’t me “settling down.” No, I’m not “naturally aging out of a phase in my twenties that was inevitably set to end once I got tired enough.” This is simply a change in my understanding of the word “punk,” a maturation of it, if you will. There are a lot of people who will tell you different things about what it means to be punk. Have any of us ever stopped to consider that perhaps the most punk thing was right under our noses all along? What if the most fuck-the-man, nonconformist thing one could possibly do was to find a pleasant man of 6’2, move to South Jersey, and buy a Vitamix for soup?

Listen, I’ve gone through the whole gamut. I know what it’s like to be you young bucks. I’ve bummed cigarettes from people at death metal basement shows. I’ve moshed at poetry readings in a junkie’s RV. I’ve boycotted Vitamin C. Don’t tell me I don’t know what punk is. If anyone knows punk, it’s me. I’ve simply come to the realization in my later years that none of that is as hardcore as waving to my neighbor Sam while he mows the lawn on a Sunday, getting 8 and a half good hours of sleep and owning an Australian Shepherd.

Dare I say nobody’s doing that. It’s like going “fuck the system” by acknowledging when the system makes my life better, which is pretty much all the time now. Did you guys know the system has some pretty neat farmers markets? I just got three radishes for 4.50. Not a lot of people know about this underground “exchanging money for goods and services” thing.

I know I still have it in me: if I wanted to mosh, I could. I am simply choosing the simple life, the free life, the life where my body has all its required vitamins. I’ll say it: I feel good. Healthy. Within the confines of the law. Is there anything more dangerous than that?

New Government Initiative Invites Incels to Trade In Their Firearms for Bass Guitars

Posted on by Peter Woods

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives announced a new federally funded program asking the incel community to voluntarily trade in any guns they own for a new bass guitar, confirmed sources.

“No group poses more of a threat to other Americans than these angry white guy weiners,” said Deputy Director Anelie Rinne. “It’s almost cliché to say that this country has a male loneliness epidemic at this point, but it’s true. These boys get so mad at the fact that they are sad and friendless and instead of working on themselves they lash out. But for whatever reason, bass players seem totally fine with their self-inflicted, bottom rung social status. So if we can turn all of the incels into bassists, we’ll be much safer as a nation.”

Following the announcement, online incel communities reacted with unexpected levels of enthusiasm.

“Dude, I could totally get laid if I got like super good at bass,” said self-identified incel Mitch Osbourne. “Guys like Geddy Lee and Les Claypool are totally getting blow jobs 24/7 because of their music, you can just tell. I just have to figure out the best technique. Do you think playing with a pick or my fingers would rizz bitches up more? Actually, I bet it’s slap bass. That will probably get broads the horniest.”

Despite the overwhelming positivity from incels and governmental departments, some advocacy groups questioned the efficacy of the program.

“Giving incels basses doesn’t solve the root problems of misogyny and gender-based violence and only placates potentially violent men,” said Fay Nixon, a spokesperson for the National Organization for Women. “Plus no one wants to fuck bassists. You would get absolutely roasted by every one of your girlfriends, and rightfully so, if you lowered your standards all the way down to bassist dick. If the bureau cared anything at all about women, they would obviously be giving them saxophones. It’s clearly the horniest instrument.”

As of press time, the program already traded 60 guns for bass guitars, with participating incels having started at least one eight-member, all bass Buckcherry cover band.

Apple Watch Congratulates Local Oaf for Standing

Posted on by Brett Olsen

PARMA, Ohio — Local lummox Andrew Creosote felt a vague sense of accomplishment Tuesday morning when he uncharacteristically stood up triggering a congratulatory message from his Apple Watch, confirmed sources.

“I work from home and have been rewatching ‘The Sopranos,’ so no—I don’t move a lot,” Creosote revealed as the smell of boiling eggs filled his studio apartment. “I got this watch years ago as a way to discreetly check messages, but I immediately had to disable most of the settings because the High Heart Rate notification was broken and would not stop waking me up. I honestly forgot this thing doubled as a fitness tracker, but I think I’m finally ready to take my health more seriously. It sounds silly, but my watch saying ‘Good Job!’ actually did motivate me to start standing once every four hours.”

Creosote’s primary care physician Chris Stauffer agreed that standing is important.

“Standing is always preferable to being sedentary, but—well,” Stauffer trailed off. “I know this is a major HIPAA violation, but I’ve never met anyone like Andrew. By all accounts, the odds of him still being alive are astronomical—impossible, even. His average daily steps can be explained by five trips from the couch to the kitchen along with occasional bathroom outings depending on the variety of snacks consumed with a near-zero margin of error. If standing is the first step, I sincerely hope he takes many more.”

Apple CEO Tim Cook says this type of positive trajectory is exactly why the Apple Watch has been such a commercial success.

“Apple is a lifestyle company, but we’re well aware that for every athletic influencer, there are thousands of Andrews,” Cook admitted while nonchalantly dismissing an Arby’s notification. “While some of our more exceptional customers may utilize the Apple Watch’s emergency satellite services when lost on Mount Kilimanjaro—a feature only available when paired with an iPhone that supports this functionality—others just need basic safeguards and reminders on how to stand, wash their hands, or sleep—you know, things you learn when you’re a toddler.”

At press time, Creosote set a goal to stand a good five or six times a day with the hopes to walk a 5K within the next 10 years.

Five Ways You Can Deactivate Your Ankle Monitor Before the Five Finger Death Punch Show Next Week

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Well, shit. Your favorite band is coming to Sturgis next week, and you’re not about to let Big Brother keep you from attending just because you smashed a bottle of Miller High Life over the head of that dipshit home plate umpire at your son’s little league game. Honestly, that fucker had a strike zone the size of the Northwest Territories, and you did the entire town a favor by sending him to the hospital. Too bad the judge didn’t agree, and now you’re stuck at home with this goddamn ankle monitor. Lucky for you, we’re here to help. Here are five ways you can deactivate it so you can attend next week’s Five Finger Death Punch show.

Cut It Off
This is the most obvious solution. While it’s likely it will trigger some sort of alarm down at the station, you should have enough time to get to the venue and lose yourself in the crowd for the duration of the show. They’ll most certainly catch you on your way out, but by then you’ll have caught the whole performance, so worry about that later!

Befriend Local Police Officers
Everyone knows you back the blue, which you’ve proudly displayed with that flag on the back of your souped-up Ford F-150 (that is, when you’ve been allowed to drive). Anyway, it’s a 100% guarantee that there will be a heavy law enforcement presence at the show, so get to know the local cops. Before you know it, you’ll be singing along to “Wash It All Away” with half the local precinct while the alarm from your monitor goes unnoticed.

Hack It With Computers
This is a shot in the dark, but can’t you do anything with computers these days? Your kid’s always chatting it up with strangers on that fucking thing, so see if he can hack into it like Sandra Bullock in “The Net.” You’ll have to spend time with him to do this, which is a drag, but keep your eyes on the prize.

Kick Your Coffee Table Really Hard
Fuck man, we don’t know. It’s not like it’s indestructible, right? Aim for the monitor’s red light and make like you’re Adam Vinatieri. Just ignore the agonizing pain shooting up your leg and keep going until that light goes out. You’ll be starting unnecessary fights with people in the moshpit in no time!

Cut Off Your Foot
Clearly this is the most drastic option, but honestly, is a two-footed life really worth living if you haven’t seen FFDP perform their cover of “Blue on Black” live? That’s what we thought. Grab that sabre saw out of the garage and find something to bite down on. Ivan Moody awaits!

Busker’s Beautiful Rendition of “Yesterday” Really Brought Down by Nearby Public Masturbator

Posted on by Tim Sheard

BUFFALO, N.Y. — A stunning rendition of The Beatles’ 1965 hit “Yesterday” by busker Alan Wentzel was completely overshadowed by an unhoused man masturbating in plain sight several feet away, sources report.

“This is the third time this has happened this week. It’s like no one masturbates to the Beatles from the comfort of their own homes anymore,” Wentzel complained. “I spent a lot of time perfecting this song on my acoustic because people are more likely to give money for it than for songs like ‘Stand By Me’ and ‘Wonderwall.’ I knew something was wrong, though, because people were looking beside me and gasping in horror instead of nodding along to the music. When I saw what was going on, I couldn’t believe it. Why did this guy have to wait until I started playing my most profitable song to start cranking off? It’s going to take forever to get everybody’s attention back to me again. And worst yet, this guy’s got a better singing voice than me. I’m cooked.”

Witness Jeremiah Rojas was more disgusted than moved by the incident.

“At first, I couldn’t get over how beautiful that song sounded,” Rojas noted. “I’m not even a huge Beatles guy, but wow! I was really getting into his playing, but then I saw some random guy beating it out of the corner of my eye, and it really killed the vibe of the music. I really would’ve liked to focus on the song, but I of course couldn’t take my eyes off the guy stroking his hog. I could definitely be wrong here, but I think he was actually following the rhythm of ‘Yesterday.’ It was actually kind of mesmerizing. Maybe he and the busker were actually doing some kind of performance in tandem with one another.”

Busking expert Shelley Griffith weighed in on the situation.

“Buskers tend to focus far too much of their energy on their music,” Griffith provided. “However, as much if not more effort needs to be spent on avoiding the public masturbators who will be distracting potential spenders from their music. Statistically, people are five times less likely to give you a buck if they’re distracted by some random dude greasing his flagpole in full view of your performance. My advice to buskers is to scope out potential spots before setting up to play, and it honestly doesn’t hurt to befriend public masturbators and ask around for their favorite places to let loose so they can be avoided.”

At press time, Wentzel had just decided to pause his playing and let the masturbator finish.

Companies Struggling to Find Return-To-Office Perks That Top Masturbating at Home

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

NAPERVILLE, Ill. — Major companies are reportedly scrambling to come up with workplace perks that can rival masturbating freely in the comfort of their own homes, confirmed sources.

“We’ve tried everything: free lunches, kombucha on tap, daily puppy parades, even a goddamn Mindfulness Meditation session but nothing works. I absolutely know that if one of my coworkers’ Teams icons turns yellow they are probably cranking one out,” said regional director Dana Killinger of Callen-Moore Logistics, reviewing a spreadsheet titled “MasturOptions.” “We’re offering chair massages, casual dress, and a Low Stimulation Room with fidget toys and stories read by Morgan Freeman, well an AI version of his voice. But at the end of the day, nobody’s gonna swap home-office hand stuff for a $15 DoorDash credit.”

Employees, meanwhile, remain unmoved by artisanal granola and forced team-building.

“Look, I get that there are networking opportunities or whatever with people coming into the office but that isn’t enough. But I would rather have a spontaneous meeting with their magic wand than Brian from Project Management,” said data analyst Amy McGill over Zoom, readjusting her sundress. “No amount of team trust exercises makes up for the fact that, at home, I can just take a quick ‘meeting with myself’ between emails and no one bats an eye. It’s good for the company too; I am happier, more relaxed, and I can focus better. Nothing beats it, literally. I can take care of business better if I take care of business. End of story.”

Human resources experts say companies are finally confronting the unintended consequences of pandemic-era flexibility.

“COVID opened the floodgates to a radical reevaluation of break time. We no longer sit outside at a weathered picnic table inhaling secondhand smoke from the table a few feet away. Working from home gives us an opportunity to take a real escape from reality,” explained HR consultant Dr. Janine Parlow, author of “Boundaries, Breaks, Beans and Boners: Masturing Post-COVID Workforces.” “Once employees realized they could blast through an Excel pivot table and then immediately blast themselves without judgment, it became the new normal. There’s no HR-approved alternative that replicates post-orgasm euphoria.”

At press time, Callen-Moore executives were reportedly in early talks to convert their underutilized lactation rooms into multipurpose “Milking Suites.”

Help! I Showed Jack Black Midwestern Emo, and Now He Won’t Stop Vocalizing All the Riffs

Posted on by Eric Degliomini

When I got hired as Jack Black’s assistant, I was stoked thinking it would be an easy gig of picking up lunches of gourmet Panda Express items, organizing his closets of brightly colored animal overprint t-shirts, and helping him decide between voicing Sans in a live action Undertale movie or taking 7 figure “recurring role” in a “University of Rock” Paramount Plus series. But when he overheard me listening to Braid my first week, he immediately started “Bun Namp na na na na na”ing along, following with a demand that I make him a mix of everything similarly Midwestern Emo I could find, and I am now one “raka doo dee dow” away from skadooshing myself.

I thought the guy who played a record store snob in High Fidelity would have already known about Midwestern Emo, but I guess just because the genre was started by bearded dad-looking Gen Xers, doesn’t mean they were all listening to it. At first, it was manageable when he was vocalizing one guitar part, but then he figured out how to simultaneously vocalize both guitars in “Never Meant” by doing the lead parts as “bang daka dang dang dang”s and the backing parts as “bew dern dern nern”s. I would be impressed if I didn’t have to stop him from doing it at his mother-in-law’s wake.

It’s been only two months since he started, and he’s already “bew bern bown do bew bew”d through Christie Front Drive’s discography, and he’s moved onto “bada baka da bada bow”ing into fourth-wave midwestern emo bands that were all from Philly like Snowing and Glocca Mora. It doesn’t matter if he’s in a meeting with Dreamworks for “Kung Fu Panda: A New Generation” or at an ad agency giving feedback on the creative direction of next year’s Tostadas SuperBowl commercial, if he starts hearing noodly twinkly guitars, he will accurately vocalize them with the energy he gave to classic rock riffs in the 2000’s.

If anyone has any ideas on how I can get him to stop, please let me know. The only thing that’s worked is when I play him Mathcore solos that exhaust him as he tries to keep up. I played him 43% Burnt two hours ago, and he hasn’t woken up from passing out after “bee dee doo doodly de de doo”ing. If I don’t get any help soon, he’ll start going backwards to Rites of Spring, which may kill him.

Metalhead Just Figures It’s Easier To Let His Family Think He’s Goth

Posted on by Steve Packosky

PUEBLO, Colo. — Metalhead James Kingor concluded that it’s just easier to let his family think he’s goth instead of constantly explaining the intricacies of metal and its various subgenres, resigned sources report.

“I’ve totally given up trying to tell my parents, siblings and cousins that being a metalhead is nothing like being goth,” Kingor sighed. “The other day, I went to visit my parents and my dad jokingly referred to me as ‘The Prince of Darkness’ because I was wearing a Municipal Waste shirt. They all think that I light black candles and watch ‘The Crow’ in my room while listening to Bauhaus. I just like to drink beer, play video games, hang out with my friends and cut the sleeves off of all of my shirts. There’s literally nothing goth about me, but it’s just easier to let my family assume I like Siouxsie and the Banshees. Trust me, convincing them otherwise is a wasted effort.”

Kingor’s mother Rachel expressed her concern over her son’s supposed goth lifestyle.

“Of course I’ve worried about my James and his goth phase,” Mrs. Kingor said. “Especially after the Columbine tragedy that happened when he was in middle school, I was concerned that he would lash out at those around him. He seems to have grown into a well-adjusted man, though, so I guess it’s just a funny little quirk about him. I’ll never understand his lifestyle, but I will always love and support him just the same. He recently got a tattoo on his arm of a band he loves called ‘Carcass’ or something like that, so I guess he’s going to be goth forever even if he does grow out of the music!”

Sociologist Candela Acosta explained Kingor’s situation with his family.

“It is extremely common for people’s family members to conflate their subcultures with others,” Acosta explained. “Parents of crust punks will assume that they listen to blink-182 and New Found Glory, and I did one case study of a rockabilly fan who was driven insane because her family consistently thought the only song she listened to was ‘Zoot Suit Riot’ by the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies. I agree with Kingor’s decision to refrain from correcting his family, as I’m sure he’s already tried enough times.”

At press time, Mrs. Kingor decided to surprise her son with a mesh tank-top and black lipstick for him to wear to an upcoming Cannibal Corpse show.