Chick-fil-A to Source All Meat From Humanely Crucified Chickens by 2029

Posted on by Steve Packosky

COLLEGE PARK, Ga. — Christian fast food chain restaurant Chick-fil-A announced its intent to have all of its meat sourced from humanely crucified chickens by 2029, sources report.

“This exciting new development is just further proof that Chick-fil-A is the premier devout chicken restaurant in the United States,” said CEO Andrew Truett Cathy. “Before the decade is over, our customers will enjoy our top quality sandwiches and salads knowing that each piece of meat comes from poultry that has been slaughtered in the same way as their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Of course, we will follow strict adherence to humane standards as issued by the Global Animal Partnership in doing this, which will ensure each cut is of the highest standard as outlined in the New Testament. Our new menu will be rivaled only by the Holy Communion when it comes to food that gets you into Heaven.”

Chick-fil-A customer Hugo Haddiful was concerned about the change but not enough to make the switch to KFC.

“I suppose the humane part is a good thing, but why on Earth do the chickens need to be nailed to a cross first?” Haddiful said. “I suppose anything would be an improvement over the factory farming currently used by fast food restaurants, but in this case, I’m not so sure. How exactly can you ‘humanely’ crucify a chicken, and do they even have a wingspan sufficient enough to spread across a crucifix? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to eat at Chick-fil-A, but I’d be happier knowing that they were just torturing and killing the chickens in a more conventional manner.”

Factory farmer Dana Gillespie wasn’t pleased with the new initiative.

“I really wish someone from Chick-fil-A corporate would’ve checked with me before they announced such an ambitious undertaking,” Gillespie complained. “I mean, I’m the one who will be tasked with all these crucifixions. Will Chick-fil-A be supplying the crosses and nails needed to do this? I’m not sure they thought through how expensive and time-consuming this will be, and I can’t even imagine how much each sandwich is going to cost when it’s all said and done. It would’ve been nice if I’d been made aware of all this before I contracted with them, but now it’s too late. I guess I’ll have to limber up my arm so I don’t pull a muscle swinging the hammer.”

At press time, Cathy clarified that the “humane” part would not apply to chickens suspected of homosexuality.

New Welfare Stipulation Requires Recipients to Promise Not to Enjoy Purchased Goods

Posted on by Mark Shady

FRESNO, Calif. — A new welfare stipulation requires recipients to pledge that they will not enjoy any purchased goods from using the benefits, confirmed local sources who were currently trying to contain their own excitement after placing the bacon-wrapped prawns and new Ben and Jerry’s flavor into their basket.

“Yeah, there’s been no misunderstandings, welfare recipients don’t earn enough to enjoy Bagel Bites,” said Madeline Kaye, spokeswoman for the Department of Health and Human Services. “The bottom line is, we barely even want them to have basic sustinence, let alone find comfort in the taste of it. Look, we’re doing most people a favor — you know how depressing it is even shopping for anything these days? It’s, like, 32 dollars for a block of Kraft cheese. So just get in, get the plain store-brand versions for your family and get the fuck out. Cookies or anything sugary better be loathed by your entire household or else you will lose these benefits.” 

Some welfare recipients, like Emma Crowley, were concerned about the new stipulation.

“What does ‘not enjoy’ even mean?” Crowley began. “I had to sign some legal document before checking out and give an oath to the cashier that I will hereby detest the rotisserie chicken I purchased. This morning, I even had to frown extra wide for the supermarket’s security camera after grabbing some Oreos off the shelf. I simply cannot get enough of those double-stuffed ones. Just don’t tell the government that.”

County caseworker Mary Buchalski is getting a lot of calls since the implementation of the policy. 

“The government just wants to teach you a lesson about your basic needs, and I must oblige, unfortunately,” said Buchalski. “They would like personal gratification to be kept to a minimum. The same goes with unemployment benefits. Only employed people are entitled to have fun. That and medical benefits. Does it make sense? Of course not, but the government isn’t in the business of wanting the best for their citizens. I do however find it weird that if birthday cake ingredients are purchased using welfare benefits, the recipients must forgo singing the accompanying ‘happy birthday’ song and limit gift-giving.”

At press time, a welfare recipient lost his benefits when he was caught saying “mmm mmm” after taking a bite of a banana he just purchased.

We Thought We Landed an Interview With the Steve Miller Band’s Singer, but It Turns Out This Guy Works in the Government, and He’s Really Fucking Awful

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OK, first off, why are we being tasked with interviewing the frontman for The Steve Miller Band? We’re a punk news website, and we’re only dimly aware of songs like “Fly Like an Eagle” and “Take the Money and Run” from the classic rock station our dads would play in the car while we were growing up. This hardly seems like it should be a high priority for The Hard Times, but whatever. It’s not our job to question the assignments our editors give us.

Anyway, we probably should’ve known something was off when our intern Barry told us the interview was being held in the West Wing of the White House. We just assumed Steve Miller had gone into politics after retiring from rock’n roll. Fuck man, we don’t know. It’s not like we’ve kept tabs on the guy. Well, this is a completely different person, and it turns out he’s a ghoulish, hateful pile of dogshit. We promise to do more research next time.

 The Hard Times: It’s great to meet you, Steve. You’re truly a legend!

 Stephen Miller: I actually go by Stephen.

 HT: Oh, okay. Sorry. So…what are you doing in the White House?

 SM: I’m here making sure the pure, Western identity shared by all Americans is not corrupted by refugees from third-world countries.

HT: I’m sorry, what?

SM: It’s common sense. Why should we expect these people to improve our country in any way if they couldn’t do the same for their countries?

HT: Oh shit, oh shit, you’re not the Steve Miller who sang “The Joker”?

SM: No. The sound of screaming migrant children being torn from their mothers is the closest thing to music that I enjoy.

HT: Okay, fuck you. Go eat shit and walk into traffic, you worthless fuck.

We then proceeded to hightail it the fuck out of that building, having to take a slight detour in the process because that tacky-ass ballroom got us lost. While we should have acted in good conscience and admitted fault while reviewing this with our editors, we definitely just pinned all the blame on Barry. It wasn’t our proudest moment by any stretch, but at least we still have our jobs. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to make sure nobody else in Trump’s administration shares a name with any prominent musicians. 

Yikes! Spin Doctors Reveal Prince Andrew Is One of the Two Princes They’re Singing About

Posted on by Steve Packosky

NEW YORK — American rock group Spin Doctors revealed that one of the princes in their 1993 hit “Two Princes” is disgraced former Prince Andrew, Duke of York, surprised sources report.

“Yeah, I was following the Royal Family a lot back in the early ‘90s,” lead singer Chris Barron said. “I wanted to include a little nod to them in one of our songs, and it ended up being our biggest hit. I saw Prince Andrew all dolled-up at some lavish ceremony on TV, which is where I got the ‘big seal upon his jacket’ line in the song. Obviously, had I known that he was a total sex pest who had a long-standing association with Jeffrey Epstein, I would have named the song ‘One Princes.’ I really hope people can look past that going forward, and just appreciate the song for its catchiness and not its subject matter.”

Fan Dierdre Clemens was surprised and disgusted by the revelation.

“Oh wow, I really wish they hadn’t told us about that,” Clemens reacted. “I personally would have been a lot happier just enjoying the song in total ignorance for the rest of my life. Now every time I hear it I’m going to think of that creep who got kicked out of the Royal Family, instead of being reminded of my happy and carefree days as a kid. The world is completely fucked, and we millennials basically only have happy memories from our childhoods to keep us going, so can we agree that nostalgic bands should just keep any less than savory facts about their hits to themselves from now on? I don’t want to suddenly find out that Weezer’s ‘Island in the Sun’ is about Epstein Island.”

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor was flattered by his inclusion in the song’s lyrics.

“Oy mate, are you taking the piss?” said Mountbatten Windsor. “If not, I think it’s fucking brilliant I’m in that tune, yeah? I’ve been right gutted ever since me titles were nicked, so I’m positively cheesed to the nines to hear someone actually appreciates me. Is that the end of our little chinwag, mate? Because I fancy a cheeky Nando’s, and anyway, I spy a right fit bird just over there and I want to chat her up. Cheers.”

At press time, Barron was hoping to offset some of the negative attention from the news by revealing that the other prince in the song was Prince William.

Fans Reminded Not to Feed Dave Grohl

Posted on by Jeff Bender

PHILADELPHIA — Foo Fighters’ production staff put in long hours taping up signs warning fans not to feed frontman Dave Grohl, high-strung sources reported. 

“We’re always nervous about Fooies coming to see the show for the first time, thinking Dave is cute and cuddly and could probably use a snack,” said the band’s tour manager, Rick Faith. “While we want to recognize the sometimes-overwhelming impulse to toss him a raw steak or even hand-feed him lettuce from the front row, fans must acknowledge that Dave can be aggressive and they could lose a hand, an arm, or even—as happened in Dallas last week—their life. The other threat, of course, is that Dave follows them home and destroys their kitchen.” 

Faith has been proactive in consulting former bandmates to run interference on how to deescalate or soothe Grohl, depending on the circumstance. 

“There was a time in ’91 at the Crocodile, we were playing ‘Drain You,’ and someone from the back threw a footlong sub at Dave. It was tuna, I think. He caught it in his mouth and ate it while we played,” said Nirvana bassist Krist Novoselic. “Everybody thought it was funny, but later Dave attacked a security guard and the venue told us we had to put him down. We compromised by strapping him into a cage for the rest of the tour. Our first thought was, ‘Where are we gonna get a cage?’ We ended up using Tommy Lee’s.” 

Grohl appeared calm even when asked about his potential to turn on fans. 

“I’m working with a vet therapist not to bite fans when they get close. But a lot of these stadiums have those dispensers where for a quarter you can get a handful of grass pellets,” said the veteran rocker. “I have to remind myself I make $40 million a year and can buy my own grass pellets. I can buy a live boar. I don’t need to take it out on people who pay $150 a ticket. It’s hard sometimes, though, because I love the chase. Once I sink my teeth into a forearm or a neck or something, I go crazy.” 

At press time, Grohl was seen down on all fours growling at his assistant, who was trying to get him to sit still for a piece of gum.  

Man Finally Rich and Successful Enough To Accept Internship

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

DES MOINES, Iowa — Local 31-year-old Tyler Brown is finally financially successful enough to be able to accept an unpaid internship, confirmed sources.

“It took a decade of saving and working my way up to become a senior architect, but I finally have enough to afford a job that doesn’t pay, just for the experience points,” Brown excitedly claimed. “I knew that if I held off my final school credits for just enough years I could make it! Not to mention the internship required five years of experience as a qualification anyway, so I was a shoe-in. All this so I can finally learn how to type numbers into a spreadsheet. This is going to be such a valuable experience. Watch out Commerce Subsidiaries, Tyler is here now!”

The company he is applying for is happy to recruit him.

“Very excited to make him get our lunches as well as sit in for Zoom meetings where we discuss future Zoom meetings,” said Thena Smith, head of recruiting for Commerce Subsidiaries. “At first we were on the fence about hiring someone with under 1,000 Instagram followers, but according to the AI we use to review all the applications, his resume had the most appropriate words and font size for the job. Very important in today’s job market. We can only hope that his true passion in life is working at Commerce Subsidiaries for free because we cannot allow room for someone who’s life isn’t 100% devoted to data entry.”

Brown is among six other interns to be a part of the program, including 21-year-old Brett Roberts.

“My dad who works in their HR department told me this will be a great learning experience for me. That’s why I’ve been an unpaid intern here for three years,” Roberts commented. “Kinda weird to be working alongside an old guy like Tyler but I’m sure we will get along. I’m mostly focused on my podcast where we discuss our hustle lifestyles but as long as our recordings don’t go too long I should be able to make it into work on time. Maybe I’ll have Tyler as a guest!”

At press time, Commerce Subsidiaries guaranteed that the interns were all about to become rich in experience by watching how the professionals use ChatGPT to write emails.

Five Persecution Fantasies That Get Me, a Conservative Christian, as Hard as a Fucking Rock

Posted on by Tim Sheard

As a conservative Christian, I’m no stranger to a good persecution fantasy. The idea that I’m somehow being oppressed despite being a member of the most overrepresented sect in America that controls all of its levers of power is what keeps me going day after day. What you might not know about me is that it also fuels my libido. As such, here are five persecution fantasies that get me as hard as a fucking rock.

  1. Prayer in Public Schools Being Banned

The fact that students are absolutely allowed to pray, and to even start prayer groups in public schools, and that the First Amendment simply prohibits mandatory prayer, has never stopped me from crying out that the heathen liberals are trying to forbid students from being Christian, all while my cock is as rigid as a slab of granite. Seriously, I could go into why I think the rise in school shootings is because students aren’t being forced to worship Jesus Christ every morning, but I’ll start blasting ropes like fucking Spiderman if I do.

  1. The Legalization of Same-Sex Marriage

Of course, it’s farcical that I should feel threatened by the idea of gay people getting married. It was absurd for me to cherry-pick the condemnation of homosexuality from the same Bible book that condemned wearing mixed fabrics in the first place. Tell that to my boner, though, as I’m ranting about how homosexuality is going to be forced onto every citizen within the decade thanks to Obergefell v. Hodges. Fuck yeah.

  1. Trans Athletes Being Allowed to Compete

Am I affected in the slightest by some trans teenager in Georgia being allowed to compete in a wrestling match? Fuck no, but you bet your bottom dollar that I’m writing my congressman about how much this threatens my Christian way of life while manipulating myself to completion with the other hand. 

  1. Not Being Allowed To Say “Merry Christmas”

Oh fuck, I’m engorged to the point of bursting just from writing those words out. I truly don’t even know where this originated, but if I ever utter the words “we say ‘Merry Christmas’ in this house” to you, just know that the rail spike in my pants is threatening to send the green bean casserole careening to the floor after it raises my side of the dining room table. Good thing there’s only one more persecution fantasy left, because I’m starting to get lightheaded.

  1. Democrats Want To Take Our Guns Away

Just the thought of Democrat lawmakers going door to door collecting the guns of every God-fearing American gets me at full-mast. I don’t give a shit that this is a ridiculous fever dream that has absolutely no basis in reality. I’m pearling up over here, which means it’s time to call it quits. Thank Christ we didn’t get to my thoughts on The Great Replacement, because I’ve had just about all I can handle for one day.

Panicked Ben Shapiro Puts Wet Wife into Big Bag of Rice

Posted on by Tim Graham

PALM BEACH, Fla. — Conservative political commentator Ben Shapiro rushed to dry out his wife after she told him of her condition, according to sources at the Costco where the right-wing broadcaster purchased 200 pounds of rice.

“My wife had just come home from her book club when she told me out of the blue that she was ‘wet,’” said Shapiro, still clearly shaken by the incident. “I told her she looked perfectly dry and she indicated it was different from being wet from a shower or rain. I was confused, but I remembered putting my iPhone in rice after it got water on it and figured it was worth a shot. My wife protested, but I insisted it was for her own good. I stuck her in the rice and left her overnight. In the morning she told me that she was 100% dry and would likely never be ‘wet’ again. Crisis averted.”

Shapiro’s wife said the situation was the result of a miscommunication.

“We were reading a new romance novel in my book club, and the subject matter was a little more carnal than I’m used to,” said Mor Shapiro with the appropriate amount of shame. “The story was about an IDF soldier who was wounded in battle and nursed back to health by a widowed Golan Heights settler. I was shocked to find that the scenario caused something strange to stir within me…one might call it arousal? I rushed home, hoping that Ben and I could take advantage of the situation, but he misunderstood and I ended up in rice all night.”

Mix-ups like this are bound to increase as the right limits access to sex education, according to high school teacher Ellie Swindon.

“We’re seeing a rise of conservative restrictions on education regarding sex and reproductive health,” said Swindon while preparing a condom and banana for her next class. “People like Ben Shapiro who were raised in repressive religious environments are naturally going to be bewildered by sex and the female body in particular, so I don’t blame him for being confused. I try not to get too depressed about it, but it’s hard. One of my students thought ‘labia majora’ was a planet from the ‘Avatar’ movies.”

At press time, Shapiro was working on a list of approved books for his wife’s book club, mostly drawing from the “Chicken Soup for the Soul” and “Animorphs” series.

Tiny Desk Concert Not Particularly Receptive to Tiny Circle Pit

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — An attempted tiny circle pit during a Tiny Desk Concert in NPR’s headquarters was not well-met by almost everyone in attendance, irritated sources report.

“I must’ve ended up at the wrong venue, because I thought this was a Dying Fetus concert,” mosher Tom McMillen told reporters. “I got in and there was just this dude playing finger-picked acoustic guitar all frenetically. I appreciated how technical his style was, but I quickly got bored because there were no breakdowns or double-bass drumming. I figured everybody else at the show was feeling the same way, so I decided to liven things up by trying to start up a circle pit. People started to get really, really pissed at me though, so I’m not sure if that was a cool thing to do. That definitely doesn’t mean I’m going to stop, though.”

Fellow concertgoer Miranda Shinoda was bothered by McMillen’s actions.

“I was having a great time until that idiot started running in a circle and pushing people around,” Shinoda said. “I remember thinking he looked a little out of place when he arrived. I mean, most people don’t come to these shows wearing Entombed longsleeves. I’ve been waiting for months to see this show, and by the third song I’m being slammed into a bookshelf by this guy. I tried to shove him back just to get him out of my way, but that just seemed to egg him on. I swear, everytime I attempted to retaliate he just grinned at me. Something was seriously wrong with that guy.”

Classical guitarist Sean Shibe reflected on what he saw in the crowd during his performance.

“That was very, very distracting,” Shibe noted. “The music I play is extremely intricate, so I really don’t appreciate some dipshit with long hair and skull tattoos running around in a circle and bumping into me as I’m trying to finish up ‘Lute Suite in E Minor.’ I’m not from around here, so I guess I had something different in mind when I arrived. I’m definitely going to have to pass on any future offers if this is how people behave in Tiny Desk Concerts. I’m seriously considering demanding to have my gig pay doubled, because I can’t be asked to play in these conditions.”

At press time, McMillen was having a hard time getting others to participate in a wall of death.

Trump To Deliver “I Have an Even Better Dream, Possibly the Best Dream” Speech

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is preparing to deliver a speech entitled, “I Have an Even Better Dream, Possibly the Best Dream” at the National Mall today to attempt to cement his own dream’s superiority to that of civil rights leader and icon Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

“‘Doctor Martin Luther King, incredible dreamer, the best, who can dream better than that guy?’ right? Guess what? I can!” boasted Trump on a phone call with Fox News earlier this morning. “MLK, good dreamer, I’m sorry, not the best. Trump is the best with dreams. I’m having huge dreams, very good dreams, almost every night. One time I dreamt I was an owl, and I was flying over a whole bunch of dinosaurs with huge jugs. I’d like to see someone try to top that. I’ve got- listen- I saved Ameri- there’s- I’ve got a speech that’s gonna dream bigger than anything. The best. They’re gonna be calling it Martin Luther Trump day after today, I promise you that.”

Trump’s bizarre claim that he would upstage MLK was met with immediate criticism online, causing those in his inner circle to rush to the president’s defense. 

“The president has every right to inform the world and especially any naysayers about the unrivaled quality of his dreams,” began Attorney General Pam Bondi. “In fact, I’ve never met anyone in my life who sleeps like the president. Even in his sleep, he’s a leader, and the world will be better for hearing the contents of his dreams, which are sure to put some others’ dreams to shame.”

Homeland Security Advisor and Jewish Nazi Stephen Miller was available to comment on the timing of this speech overlapping with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr Day.

“This has nothing to do with whoever you’re talking about,” said Miller. “Today is just simply about a great man who has a dream to share, possibly a dream involving his struggle or his fight. I’m not here to give the President any notes, but ‘My struggle’ or ‘My fight’ does have a nice ring to it for a speech name. Maybe even a whole book.”

At press time, Trump was said to be roaming the halls of the White House practicing the line “Judging someone by the content of their character isn’t even hot!”