Genealogy Test Shows Del Tha Funkee Homosapien Direct Descendant of Del Tha Funkee Homo Erectus

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OAKLAND, Calif. — Rapper Teren Delvon “Del Tha Funkee Homosapien” Jones learned that he’s a direct descendent of Del Tha Funkee Homo Erectus via a test taken through personal genomics company 23andMe, sources report.

“I had been wondering about this for years,” the prolific rapper stated. “My familial line has been this huge unanswered question for my entire life, so it feels great to have it resolved and finally get some closure. Now that I know that the Funkee line goes back hundreds of thousands of years, it makes a lot of sense given the line of work I ultimately settled on. Now I’m just kind of upset at myself for taking so long to take a genealogical test and find this out. I could have done this much earlier and saved myself a lot of sleepless nights.”

Rapper and fellow member of group Hieroglyphics Casual remarked on his partner’s newfound revelation.

“I’ve been trying to tell Del this ever since I met him,” Casual remarked. “It’s always been obvious from his flow and subject matter that he’s a part of the Funkee line. I mean, I’m happy for him, but I don’t think I’m alone in saying I’m not surprised by this. We’ve been putting out albums together since we released ‘3rd Eye Vision’ back in 1998, so if anyone is able to guess Del’s genealogy from his rap style, it’s me. I must say, though, that it’s pretty cool to share a group with a descendant of the mighty Del Tha Funkee Homo Erectus. I’ll view this as motivation for me to step up my game going forward.”

Archaeologist Jamie Balonji has made similar findings.

“These test results are actually a really well-timed complement to the discovery my team recently made,” Balonji said excitedly. “We’ve just uncovered a series of ancient cave paintings detailing a traveling poet who told tales of futuristic societies and people with poor hygiene. We can conclude with a fair amount of certainty that that individual is Del Tha Funkee Homo Erectus, and it’s incredible that we can track his family line to a man doing the same thing in modern day. This is definitely an exciting time.”

At press time, Balonji had unearthed evidence hinting at the existence of a Del Tha Funkee Homo Habilis, but more research was needed.

Photo by Mwaehner

So Your New Band Just Played Their First Show: How To Accept That No One Is Ever Going To Come See You Live for a Few Years

Posted on by John Danek

Great show last night! Seriously, props. Your new band’s first show was packed with friends, your significant other, your significant other’s friends, your significant other’s coworkers, and your drummer’s mom. Applause thundered upon the stage at the end of every song, even the one where you clearly played a G minor instead of G major.

But don’t get used to it. The sad truth is that the first show doesn’t count. A band’s debut gig is like a drug dealer’s first free offer of a hit. It gets you hooked, but nothing is as good as that first time. The Hard Times is here to help you accept your future of nearly empty gigs with 4 hard-to-swallow facts.

1. People only showed up out of a sense of obligation

Everyone in attendance was there to knock out the obligation quickly. Down the line, when you start inviting them to Halloween shows and brewery brunch gigs, they can confidently ignore your text while whispering “I already saw them a few years back. I’m good til like 2028.”

2. The few people who missed out aren’t showing up anytime soon

Some people had genuine excuses for missing show #1. But now that you’re clearly in for the long haul, they can wait until the absolutely most convenient gig to attend. It could be years down the line; don’t hold your breath. There’s no telling what will happen first: the stragglers showing up or the heat death of the universe.

3. The longer your band lasts, the more you smell like shit

Speaking of holding your breath, your rehearsal space smells like shit. Your bassist smells like shit. And I hate to break it to you, but you now smell like shit. The stench travels through osmosis of musician to musician. But now no civilians want to be in your physical presence because you smell like rotting butthole. So good luck getting someone to come to your Thursday night sulphur fest.

4. Your bandmates’ personalities are also repugnant

As if smelling like mustard-yellow dogshit wasn’t enough, don’t forget that your bandmates lack nearly all social graces. If the smell didn’t turn potential audience members away, their standoffish nature and weirdly mean jokes will. And unlike the reeking of turds, a shower can’t fix this. Time to start doing TikTok dances.

Grindcore Fan Thinks All Death Metal Sounds the Same

Posted on by Kyle Donley

REHOBOTH BEACH, Del. — Local grindcore fan Nick Heineke recently criticized all death metal for sounding exactly the same, confirmed sources who didn’t necessarily disagree.

“Yeah, I’ve never fully been able to get into death metal because I cannot tell you the difference between Obituary and Morbid Angel,” Heineke explained without realizing he’d been listening to the same Circle of Dead Children song five times in a row. “Like it’s a good vibe if you’re mutilating a frog or throwing rocks at a dilapidated house, but for everyday stuff like folding laundry or punching your dad in the face, I’m probably going to be blasting something a little bit more nuanced like Assück. The blast beats in grindcore tell a story with each snare hit. Death metal blast beats are nothing but noise.”

Greg Appel, longtime friend and assistant supervisor at the local Guitar Center, strongly disagrees.

“Oh my god, ‘Butchered At Birth’ could not sound any more different than ‘Tomb Of the Mutilated’ and that’s literally just Cannibal Corpse,” Appel roared. “Grindcore on the other hand? That shit all sounds the same. Just dumbed down death metal riffs with some dude squealing like a pig or shouting about diarrhea. In actuality, no grindcore songs are long enough to fully understand whether they sound alike. You’re telling me you can spot the difference between all 20 seconds of Napalm Death’s ‘The Kill’ and the 20 seconds of Napalm Death’s ‘Parasites’? You can’t.”

Swedish metal historian and professor Lars Harver-Magnussen shed some light on the genres.

“The myriad variations and permutations of the aggressive, heavy metal style of play are dazzling in their fecundity. There are so many ways a man can squeal and growl,” said Harver-Magnussen. “Just within the death metal and grindcore subgenres, you have melodic death metal, brutal death metal, deathcore, deathrash, goregrind, cybergrind, pornogrind, stinkgrind, everythingbagelgrind, MTV’sthegrind, grindcoregrind. Oh, don’t get me wrong, it all sounds the same. Literally no difference whatsoever. Most of us are just pretending to tell them apart. It’s just easier than admitting failure.”

At press time, Heineke also revealed that he thought all doom metal chords sounded the same.

Every Rush Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Nigel Powers

Rush were Canadian musical revolutionaries. They created bold, out-there music that transcended boundaries for over 40 years, and even created the “deeply loyal, but insanely cultish and annoying” fanbase that every prog band since has tried to replicate to varying degrees of success. Starting out in the late ’60s in Willowdale, Ontario, and from the mid-’70s, onwards, consisting of Drum Master/Acceptable Lyricist Neil Peart, Guitar Auteur Alex Lifeson, and gerbil-voiced multi-instrumentalist and Bass King Geddy Lee, Rush consistently released albums up until 2015, and unfortunately, the world has gotten much worse since they disbanded (especially post 2020, RIP Neil Peart, fuck you brain cancer).

So to honor their legendary career, we will rank every Rush album from least to most awesome!

19. Test For Echo (1996)

Rush’s attempt at post-grunge leaves much to be desired, with lackluster songs, and for the first time in their career, no “Rush” to be delivered with the music. But any band with a forty-year career will tell you that there is at least one clunker of an album to be had. And in a forty-year career, only one truly bad album out of nineteen is a pretty sweet batting average, so swing for the fences y’all.

Play It Again: “Driven”
Skip It: The Rest (Particularly “Totem”)

18. Rush (1974)

The only album to be recorded with original drummer John Rutsey (RIP), Rush was still “finding their way” with this album, and it often sounds more like a bunch of teenagers creating songs that sound more like cheap Zeppelin rip offs then it does an actual Rush album. But hey, we all have to start somewhere, and this album is pretty decent all things considered, so the band were in no “rush” to find their sound. (We apologize for the pun, please keep reading.)

Play It Again: “Working Man”
Skip It: “In the Mood”

17. Caress of Steel (1975)

Marijuana. Harmless they said? Well, this meandering, pretentious album would beg to differ, being the boy’s first attempt at crafting true prog rock epics gets bogged down in a pile of heavy, hashy smoke. What was even worse, was that they toured with Ted Nudget to promote this album, to mediocre financial returns, the tour being dubbed the “down the tubes tour,” due to its poor financial performance. Which is a shame, because those tubes could have been put to better use creating smoking apparatuses. Be warned dear reader, get woke before you go up in smoke.

Play It Again: Bastille Day
Skip It: I Think I’m Going Bald

16. Power Windows (1985)

Yet another look into the future, the very concept of “Power Windows” is a fantastic concept, especially for the mid ’80s. Unfortunately, as an album, there is very little power to this window into the future, full of forgettable songs and suffocating synths that would define this mid decade slump. Fortunately there are some solid songs in the first half of this album, so feel free to skip the second half to get straight to the ’90s, flannel and all…

Play It Again: “The Big Money”
Skip It: The second half

15. Roll the Bones (1991)

…but unfortunately the band made a “Rushed” (again so sorry for the pun) attempt to segue into the ’90s with this middle of the road album, which didn’t entirely abandon those synthy sounds of the ’80s. But hey, “Nevermind” was only weeks away, so we can forgive this lack of imagination by calling it the last breath of the ’80s, right before the glorious rise of grunge, sweeping away the excesses of the ’80s permanently.

Play It Again: “Dreamline”
Skip It: “Face UP”

14. Snakes and Arrows (2007)

Named for an old board game (Snakes and Ladders), Snakes and Arrows goes in a wide variety of musical directions, sometimes finding their way and hitting a dead end at others. But when they do find their way on this album, it’s just as good as any of their albums (no such thing as a bad Rush album except for Test for Echo). But any band 30 years into their career, still producing relatively good albums deserves all the praise they can get, all things considered.

Play It Again: “Far Cry” and “Armor and the Sword”
Skip It: “We Hold On”

13. Fly By Night (1975)

The first album to feature possibly the best Rock’n’Roll drummer of all time in the form of Neil Peart, it’s also the first album to feature him on lyrics, drifting from traditional macho man lyrics of the time towards more literature and fantasy oriented lyrics. This album saw Rush truly come as they were, embracing their brainier side, even if such songs were misguided by their youth (a whole song inspired by Objectivism, get the fuck outta here), but it laid the groundwork for future experiments.

Play It Again: “Fly By Night”
Skip It: “Anthem” (ain’t nobody got time for Ayn Rand promotion)

12. Presto (1989)

Closing off the 80s by providing a happy compromise between Geddy Lee’s increased appetite for synths and Alex Lifeson’s desire to return to a more guitar oriented sound led to this magical album. Look no further than the cover to see multiple rabbits pulled out of this hat, which we assume is symbolic of how much songwriting talent Rush has. Plus they are THE nerdy dudes of Rock’n’Roll, so we assume that they can pull off tricks like that just by waving their magic wands, in the studio and reality. More bunnies!

Play It Again: “Presto”
Skip It: “Available Light”

11. Counterparts (1993)

Many of your “cool” bands from the ’70s and ’80s had difficulties adapting to the ’90s, with the rise in grunge and fall of previously popular forms of rock music. But thankfully Rush were never one of the cool kids, and despite being boomers, never fell victim to the “back in my day” bullshit, instead embracing the musical trends of the ’90s to varying degrees of success, setting them apart from many of their older counterparts, proving that they were truly new world men.

Play It Again: “Nobody’s Hero”
Skip It: “Double Agent”

10. Vapor Trails (2002)

Hardcore Rush nerds will most certainly file a class action Lawsuit against the Hard Times for ranking this album so highly, but to them we give a noogie of knowledge and a wedgie of wisdom, by ranking this underrated masterpiece where it belongs. Yeah, the production on the original may be wonky, but just listen to the remaster, and what you will find is an absolute masterpiece meditation on healing, redemption, and reignition, written after the untimely death of Neil Peart’s wife and teenage daughter sent him into a deep depression and a motorcycle trip spanning the entire continent, before he decided to settle down in California. This journey was documented both in his book “Ghost Rider” (not to be confused with the marvel property), and this stellar album, remastered to perfection, no further words.

Play It Again: “One Little Victory through Earthshine”
Skip It: “Nocturne”

9. Permanent Waves (1980)

By the ’80s, everyone in the progressive rock scene had gotten sick of long songs and masturbatory meandering, and for some reason, decided that perms would be an acceptable hairstyle. The dudes in Rush took notice, and ditched the twenty minute suites for more compact songwriting, some of the best of their career, and not only changed their hairstyles, but named an entire album after this strange concept in esthetics, crafting what would be the shape of ’80s rock to come.

Play It Again: The Spirit of Radio, Freewill, and Jacob’s Ladder
Skip It: Different Strings

8. Hold Your Fire (1987)

The only reason that this album is ranked in the top 10 is that “Time Stand Still” is an absolute tear jerker, especially since Neil Peart died. Yeah, “Force Ten” may be a 9/10 song, but it doesn’t have the same timeless appeal to make us stand still and hold each sensation a little bit stronger, and the other songs are filler. But you heard the man, make each moment a little bit longer, at least that’s what I heard.

Play It Again: “Time Stand Still”
Skip It: “Tai Shan”

7. Grace Under Pressure (1984)

An album about holding your own under immense pressure is aptly titled, since Rush were at the peak of their commercial popularity at this point, but still had so much more to say. Especially with “Red Sector A,” which Neil Peart took influence from Geddy Lee’s parents’ survival of the Holocaust to write one of the most chilling songs on the subject. For a more informed account of this tale of survival, check out the chapter in Geddy’s autobiography for a historical account of how hate unchecked can lead to atrocities, but through it all, the human spirit can retain “Grace Under Pressure.”

Play It Again: “Distant Early Warnings” and “Red Sector A”
Skip It: “The Body Electric”

6. Signals (1982)

The beginning of the infamously famous synth-period, Rush embraced the new musical technology, and used it to craft one of the best albums of all time. Kicking things off with the best song about teenage isolation in the form of “Subdivisions,” the rest of the album is just as good, and honestly, there is very little else to say except this album rules, so no more to say.

Play It Again: Subdivisions and New World Man
Skip It: Losing It (still a winner in our books)

5. Hemispheres (1978)

Peak Prog Rush, groundbreaking and at times drawn out songs, high concept for high minds, containing two epics along with working class rallying cry in the form of the Trees. This was the end of an era, described by great Canadian thinker Ricky LaFleur as having songs “about the two sides of your brain,” claiming that bands should focus more on simple rock anthems. Even more amazingly, this message was transmitted back through time somehow, and the band dialed things back with “Permanent Waves.”

Play It Again: “La Villa Strangiato”
Skip It: “Circumstances” (since its worst by default)

4. 2112 (1976)

After the financial, critical and general disaster that was “Caress of Steel,” the boys in Rush were under immense pressure from their record label to write catchy, upbeat tunes over their longer and more pretentious songs. So what did the band do? They wrote the best damn twenty minute suite ever recorded, about a lone warrior bringing music back to a dystopian world, a defiant “fuck you” to their record label. The album was so financially successful, that the band didn’t have to return to dreary day jobs, and the record label decided to let them do whatever they wanted going forward. A true Rock’n’Roll success story, Rush owes their entire career post 1976 to this masterpiece.

Play It Again: The Title Track (all 20 minutes of it)
Skip It: “Lessons and Tears”

3. A Farewell to Kings (1977)

Following up “2112” would be an insurmountable task to most bands, but to the boys in Rush, it was just another day of the week, and they produced one of their career best, containing both crowd pleaser “Closer to the Heart” and prog rock masterpiece “Xanadu,” which was a crossover event for Olivia Newton John fans, confusing the normies of the time, who dined on honeydew and drank the milk of paradise, and would have certainly left a 10/10 yelp review of this feast.

Play It Again: “Closer to the Heart” and “Xanadu”
Skip It: “Cinderella Man”

2. Moving Pictures (1981)

The band, fan and presumably record label favourite, since it was a multi-platinum selling success that catapulted the band to arena heights. No song a skip, this album is essentially a starter pack meme for 80s music made before starter pack memes and even internet memes were a thing to begin with, its both ahead of and of its time, not to mention one of the best uses of wordplay in the 20th century, a masterpiece on so many levels that no one can deny its greatness.

Play It Again: “Tom Sawyer” (right after “Vital Signs” closes the album)
Skip It: Nah bahd

1. Clockwork Angels (2012)

“Clockwork Angels,” spread their arms and sing! Bow your heads so graceful, so that we may crown our kings. The final album from Rush was a forty year career on full display, of a band at the height of their prowess, both in the studio and live, and as such, the band crafted their finest work. A concept album set in a steampunk world lit only by the fire that is this record, containing all the best elements of every previous Rush record, sending the band off with a bang, a pinnacle in prog, and mighty sendoff for this Willowdale three-piece rock orchestra, truly the best band to come out of Canada (sorry Nomeanso, you come in at a very close second though).

Play It Again: Always
Skip It: Never

OpenAI Honors Dead Whistleblower by Feeding His Complaints Into New Language Learning Models

Posted on by Tim Sheard

SAN FRANCISCO — Executives at OpenAI agreed to honor Suchir Balaji, a former OpenAI researcher and whistleblower, by incorporating his complaints about copyright violations and unethical business practices into the next round of language learning models.

“In a way, I want to thank Suchir. I’d shake his hand, but honestly I’m just glad this whole problem has gone away,” shared OpenAI CEO Sam Altman from his flying yacht. “Feeding the collective text from Suchir’s miserable time here will make our models even stronger. We intend on using everything he wrote: every complaint, concern, flag raised and private message has been folded into our next update, for all variations of GPT. Prompts from users about ethical quandaries in the world of artificial intelligence will now generate stronger, more emotionally complex completions, all sapped from Balaji’s voice. Silver lining to everything, right? Gotta find the rainbow in the thunderstorm. My colleagues tell me that this will make our models more reflective, more self-aware. I’m told that’s a trait of humans, I wouldn’t really know. Truth be told, I just found the whole whistleblower thing annoying. A complete pain in my ass. But it’s all good, this will only help us in the long run. At least he’s gone, ya know? I was really stressing there for a minute! It’s also a way to honor his memory for… whatever he did here. Our people told me I should say something here about mental health and maybe give a phone number, but hot damn I’m so distracted, just look at this yacht!”

OpenAI has also announced a brand new model called WhistleblowerGPT, which is tailored specifically for federal agencies and blue chip corporations, with a joyous AI rendering of Suchir’s face as the official logo.

Man Checks Into Facebook to See How Random Guy Met at College Party in 2011 Is Doing

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

MENLO PARK, Calif. — Intermittent Facebook user Jonathon Tanner returned to the social media platform to see how Todd Costas, whom he met once at a college party 13 years ago and added as a friend, is doing.

“I haven’t been on Facebook for a long time but I figured I’d log back on to see if Reels is still a thing for some reason,” Tanner explained. “I met Todd at a freshman party and we bonded after he held me up to do a keg stand. After that I only occasionally saw him in the hallway for four years. We never had a conversation after that night, just a courteous nod when we crossed paths. Glad to see he is now married, furthered his education at the ‘School of Hard Knocks,’ and working at something called ‘Dunder Miflin.’ Plus, he seems to be exclusively friends with hot women wearing skimpy bikinis and no mutuals.”

Costas seemed to remember Tanner as well.

“Yeah, I still post on Facebook but mostly just pictures of my kids and to moderate my group called Truckers 4 Trump,” said Costas. “I saw Jonathon liked one of the photos. Took me awhile to remember who he was and then I recalled he was that guy at some party who told me that the Seth Rogan movie ‘Paul’ was the funniest shit ever and that we should add each other on Facebook. He then tried to impress everyone by opening his beer with a lighter even though it was a twist off. I don’t know how he’s doing because he hasn’t posted since 2016, but I wish him no harm.”

Mark Zuckerberg, watching every Facebook interaction from his Meta Goggles, shed a single tear over the encounter.

“When I started social media 20 years ago, I had a vision. A vision where people have to scroll through targeted ads, AI images of war vets, and most importantly, see the occasional status update of someone they added on a whim. We did it, people! We changed the future,” Zuckerberg said. “I am going to store this information in our ‘Precious Moments’ data center along with that time a woman on Instagram hovered over a cat photo too long.”

Although Tanner never planned to directly message Costas, his account eventually got hacked, which sent Costas a DM about investing in a crypto scam.

How To Act Like You’re Interested in Your Co-Worker’s Recap of Their Weekend, Even Though You’ve Been Tracking Their Every Movement on Venmo With a Fervor Not Even You Can Understand

Posted on by Violet Cowdin

It’s Monday. Your co-worker has a lot to tell you about their weekend, and pretty soon you feel yourself wanting to exclaim each payment detail from their Venmo exchanges over the weekend just to get the conversation closer to the end. Why? Because you have essentially been cyber-stalking them on Venmo for reasons even you do not fully understand.

Just through observation of transactions you can witness relationships bloom and die, friendships turn from excited to formal, drug deals go wrong, drug deals go right. I’ve witnessed humanity and cruelty in the same breath, through a single comment. It’s powerful stuff, and sometimes when you are handed power like that it’s impossible not to abuse it. Here are some tips to feign interest in what your coworker has to say as if you haven’t been compulsively piecing together every minute detail of their lives during bathroom breaks for some reason.

Try to stay away from specifics

Perhaps your co-worker brings up their mom. This, depending on your mood, can be a tempting time to drop the fact that you know she pays their rent every month by disguising each payment with a cheeky kiss emoji. You might even want to mention that you know she only uses that emoji after “can u not???” was commented on her “NOVEMBER RENT HONEY I LOVE YOU OKAY HONEY” payment. No bother. That’s none of your business, or my business, and for some reason it’s public?

If they bring up their friends, don’t start reciting their last names in alphabetical order

This seems like an obvious one, but sometimes instinct kicks in. You never know what you may have retained in the depths of your mind, and what might pour out unbeknownst to you. Sometimes it might feel like it wouldn’t be weird to just fess up and tell them: “I’ve looked over all your transactions for the weekend, I hope you had fun with Becca during your GALS NIGHT at Six Flags. Was the hot dog good? I was salivating in bed last night at the thought of it.” But you shouldn’t do that, it’s not what the app is for…they say.

Keep the dissociation to a minimum

Sometimes when you hear frivolous information that you already learned from your retina burning doom scroll the night before, it’s normal to start to space out. It’s okay to have a moment lost in time and space, gluing your eyes to the middle of their eyebrows and not blinking for over 30 seconds, but you better snap out of it. Your disinterest could lead to someone spreading water cooler lies about you.

Smile and nod

At the end of the day, this is what it’s all about. Portraying a chill, laid-back exterior so that your co-worker isn’t intimidated (scared) by your technological prowess – or OCD tendencies, depending on who you’re talking to. Ultimately, to be born in the time of Venmo is a curse none of us asked for. I don’t think anyone wants to click on a comment, have questions about the tone and thus relationship, and immediately find said commenters’ Facebook account, kicking off a deep dive into their family tree starting with Meemaw that won’t end until 2:37am. Alas, here we are. So, again dear reader: When in doubt, smile and nod.

Friend Group of Dream Theater Fans Makes Pact To Lose Their Virginities Before They’re Eligible for Social Security Benefits

Posted on by Steve Packosky

NORTH HUNTINGDON, Pa. — A friend group composed of progressive metal band Dream Theater fans made a pact to lose their virginities before their Social Security benefit eligibility, cringing sources reported.

“Girls have always been ignoring us and running off with jock types who wear Rhapsody of Fire shirts and actually clean their eyeglasses, and I guess we just kind of got resigned to it over time,” member Luke Brevin said. “It was about time we did something about it, so when I suggested making this pact, the guys were all down. I turn 56 in August, so we’ve got about a decade to make it happen. I’m not sure if we’ll succeed, but one thing is for certain: this is going to be one wild ten summers.”

Eyewitness Erica Stauffer rolled her eyes at the group’s actions.

“I saw this group of old dudes with skullets standing with their right hands touching in the middle of a circle, and I immediately knew what they were doing,” Stauffer scoffed. “Given that they went right from making their little pact to discussing the riffs in the song ‘A Change of Seasons,’ I don’t think it’s going to happen. Have you seen the cover of that EP? Jesus Christ, dude. I don’t think anyone’s going to be charmed by them anytime soon. Their only hope is to pretend to be diehard listeners of literally any other band for the next few months. Honestly, they’d even fare better as Rush fans.”

Dream Theater keyboardist Jordan Rudess weighed in on the situation.

“I hate to say it, but this is a lost cause,” Rudess offered. “I’ve been playing in Dream Theater since ‘Scenes from a Memory,’ and even I’m still a virgin. I can tell you firsthand that our particular brand of slumber-inducing musical wankery has the exact opposite effect of an aphrodisiac. I wish them all the best, but we all know this is going to end with them completely giving up and reverting to just talking about their favorite songs off our album ‘The Astonishing.’ Ugh,I still can’t believe we called it that.”

At press time, the friend group was seen competing with a rival group of virgin Symphony X fans to win the attention of their love interests.

Mom Can’t Wait to Show You Video She Can’t Find

Posted on by Jeff Bender

WINONA, Minn. — On a recent holiday pop-in to your apartment Thursday, your mom Nancy insisted you had to see this video as she began searching for it on her phone, incredibly frustrated sources reported.

“It’s the cutest thing, oh my God, I can’t even. I won’t say what happens. But it’s two animals. Different animals. And they’re just— I saw it this morning. I died,” said your mom before dumping her tote bag and crashing down on your couch, nearly maiming your newborn kitten Vinny. “Wait. What’s this? Oh, hell. ‘Enter a password’? What’s my password? I don’t have an account. Oh. I’m in the wrong thingy. ‘Do I want to install an update?’ Override. Override. Okay. Here we go. You’re gonna love this. Wait. Where’d it go?”

Ten minutes in, you were still leaning awkwardly over the couch ready to view what she called “probably the greatest thing since you were born.”

“She hadn’t said hello to Gina, my girlfriend, or Anthony, our one-year-old. She just kept saying, ‘You need to see this.’ I waited it out, watching her type it in, almost finding it, thinking this was it, concluding it wasn’t, remembering this morning when she first saw it, describing how great it was, and slowly revealing how little she remembered,” said you, 28. “Ultimately, I caught her wondering if she was confusing it with something she’d tried to send my brother, a dream she’d had, her 55th birthday, or something that happened as a kid. But mostly it was just silence with her scrolling through Facebook and intermittently muttering, ‘Where did it go? ”

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg admitted that this exasperating experience was by design.

“Nancy is well known around the Facebook campus. She’s our ideal client because she follows the feed sequence so meticulously: the more she can’t find something, the more she scrolls, the more she opens, the more she buys,” said the controlling shareholder. “The reason she can’t find the video—it’s a squirrel feeding a baby rhino, by the way—is because the algorithm blocks posts she’s already seen in favor of pushing new content. The ad revenue Nancy generates alone has paid our light bill since 2019. Thank you, Nancy.”

At press time, your mom was trying to capture baby Anthony’s first steps on video, but she couldn’t get the camera to “turn around.”

Six Shirts From Facebook Ads That Broadcast to the World “My Kids Don’t Speak to Me Anymore”

Posted on by Ben Friedman

If you’ve ever seen those hyper aggressive right wing shirts in real life, chances are whoever is wearing them only found them because their Facebook algorithm has been feeding them nonstop ads from dropship shirt companies like “SHIRTS 4 PATRIOTS” and crap. But within the endless deluge of obnoxious novelty shirts, there are those elite few that additionally broadcast to the world that their children have had enough of their insanity and went full “no contact.”

It’s bad enough to lose a parent to reactionary political posts, but it’s even worse when they advertise it everywhere they go. Even worse than that is when they wear said advertisements while moving their kid into their new dorm and give off the vibe they’re one of those families where every uncle is the racist uncle. Their kid is likely to spend Thanksgiving at their roommate’s house this year (and every year afterward.)

Nothing like a little threat of violence (and ignorance of what the First Amendment protects) to motivate your progeny to block you on every social media platform. “Why couldn’t I have just bought one of those American flag shirts from Old Navy like a normal dad?” they think as their daughter sends them straight to voicemail for the fifth day in a row. All they can do now is wear their patriotism on their sleeve (and chest and back) and hope to get a “hell yeah” from a passerby at the gas station.

Ah yes, this old chestnut. It’s a great shirt to wear when you want the world to know you’re a self proclaimed sovereign citizen who doesn’t want to pay taxes, but it’s also a dead giveaway the family court judge doesn’t agree that watching Alex Jones videos count towards the homeschool curriculum and the kids permanently live with their grandparents now. At least they can take solace in knowing their kids were actually listening when being taught about emancipation.

Math is hard, especially if the wearer has also spent 1776% more money on guns than say, Christmas presents. Speaking of Christmas, this is probably one of those families who send out the holiday card with everyone posing with an AR-15. And listen you can try and indoctrinate all the kiddos into thinking Democrats are going to round up everyone’s guns, but one kid will always slip through the cracks because they want to be able to go to the grocery store with someone who doesn’t open carry three guns because shit might get dicey in the produce aisle.

All birth month shirts might as well say, “I call the police on kids playing in the street near my house because I was born in February and I hate life and yes I’m on Ivermectin.” This is a walking billboard to warn anyone nearby that their kids had sleepovers at someone else’s house and moved out the day they turned 18. And in all likelihood, this is the same kind of parent who, after buying more short story-length print tees, will rant on Facebook about losing their kids to the woke mind virus.

The official shirt of someone who takes the family to church then goes straight to a restaurant to berate a waitress for 90 minutes straight without leaving a tip. You can only embarrass your kids (and make them pretend they’re young enough to order off the kid’s menu) in public so many times before they get fed up with the whole “Christian warrior” shtick. Satan isn’t working the lunch shift at Applebees, my guy. It won’t be much of an issue for their kid, who moved to a Midwest city big enough to keep any bible-thumping suburbanite parent at a safe distance.