The Art of Forgiving Yourself for Your Mistakes While Holding Other People’s Against Them Forever

Posted on by Frederick O'Brien

I used to be consumed by anger and shame whenever I made mistakes, all the while giving others the benefit of the doubt. What a schmuck! In recent years I’ve managed to turn my life around, with massively improved well-being, inner peace, and hunger for retribution of those who cross me. Here’s how you can reach that state of nirvana, too.

First off, it’s essential that you internalize the idea that even your ‘mistakes’ are actually the fault of other people. Whenever you find yourself flirting with personal responsibility, remember, they drove you to that mental breakdown at your niece’s birthday party. They made you set the local library on fire. Insofar as you’ve made any mistakes at all, which you haven’t, you were set up to fail. That time you got drunk and trashed your friend’s apartment? That all started with a beer. And who gave you that beer? Jerry. That prick. He should know better.

Remember, you’re doing your best. Whether you actually are doing your best is immaterial. As long as you’re telling yourself, and others, that in a teary, knee-jerk justification of your behaviour, you’re golden. It’s not easy being you. Just getting through the day makes you a kind of hero, like an ambulance driver or firefighter. Who could begrudge someone so selfless the occasional outburst? You’re doing your best.

Other people, however, clearly aren’t doing their best. A vital part of your new outlook is understanding that everyone else is out to get you. The things they do may seem innocuous, even well intentioned, but they’re not. Just last week my neighbor gave me a homemade cake. Sounds nice enough right? Except I’m on a diet. Now I weigh one cake heavier. What a bitch. Cling tightly to the idea that everyone you meet is trying to sabotage you. The fact you’re a washed up nobody sleeping on a couch is exactly because you didn’t keep your guard up. And it’s got nothing to do with cheating on your girlfriend. Again. Or getting horribly drunk at work. Again.

Your well-being is always, always the priority. Show yourself love. Put time aside each day to meditate on other people’s flaws. Fixating on the imperfections of others helps to strengthen your inner sense of purity and being put upon. Besides, how can you be expected not to get out of your mind on ketamin and ruin your cousin’s wedding when you’re surrounded by such fucking idiots?

Nurturing this worldview is a steady, tender task, like looking after a bonsai, but it’s worth it. Good luck, and stay the hell away from me.

42-Year-Old Punk Not Sure What to Be When He Grows Up

Posted on by Trevor Graham

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local 42-year-old punk Chet Roberts, who has spent the last 27 years living day-to-day in suspended teenage animation, isn’t sure what he wants to be when he grows up, confirmed sources who all they know is that they don’t know nothing.

“Man, as crazy as it sounds I feel like I’m starting to get to that age where I need to start thinking about my future and what I want to do with my life,” said Roberts from behind the counter of the coffee shop where he has worked since the second George W. Bush administration. “I guess at some point your carefree adolescent teen years need to come to an end and now that I am in my early 40s I guess that time has started to come for me. Now I need to start thinking about what kind of job I want to have and maybe even start thinking about settling down and starting a family.”

Some Roberts’ friends and bandmates say that while they get the sentiment of starting to think about the future that he is getting a little too ahead of himself.

“It’s some real normie shit to start thinking about what you want to do with your life at this age. We just graduated high school 24 years ago and also our band is going to get signed and become huge any day now,” said Jeff Perkins. “Next thing you know we’ll be walking around with health insurance and bank accounts and paying our taxes and living in houses with working heat and running water. What kind of bullshit is this?”

Therapist Suan Paragon says she sees this type of confusion and uncertainty with aging scenesters who have spent decades living a lifestyle that caters to idealistic youthful values.

“We see this problem a lot with people who have been involved in punk and hardcore music scenes. Those involved in these scenes obsess over music written primarily by teenagers over 30 years ago and it seems to trap the fans of this music in a perpetual cycle of believing they are young and that becoming an adult is something that will never happen to them,” said Paragon. “Even more dangerous is the message in this music that says all of life’s problems can be solved by believing in yourself, standing by your friends’ sides, and never being a part of ‘the system.’ It all sounds great when you’re young but when you need to pay for a prostate exam or physical therapy for arthritis in your knees that fantasy falls apart pretty quickly.”

At press time, Roberts was said to be looking at brochures for colleges that he may apply to and that he was excited at the idea of living in a dorm room like a real young adult.

SpaceX Announces Plans to Stop Putting Teachers On Their Spaceships

Posted on by Maksym LaRouche

BROWNSVILLE, Texas — SpaceX announced they will no longer be allowing school teachers on their spaceships following the second explosion of a Starship mega rocket last night, sources confirmed.

“We’ve looked at everything you can look at: debris, schematics, calculations, but there seems to only be one common factor amongst all the crashes, and that is they’ve all had high school teachers on board at the time of the crash,” said Douglas McIntyre, lead engineer for SpaceX. “At this point, you can’t be calling it a coincidence anymore. Just look at the Columbia Shuttle disaster in 2003. They found that there were several stowaway teachers on board that NASA had not noticed before launch. The most frustrating part of being an engineer can be finding ways to stop educators from getting on board ships.”

The Teacher’s Union, however, was not pleased with the plan to discontinue the use of teachers in space.

“Elon Musk is putting many fine educators out of work by not putting teachers on these exploding spaceships. This is part of a coordinated attack from the Right to marginalize educators in our society,” said union representative Terry Framingham. “They are going to use teachers as a scapegoat and claim it’s their fault these rockets keep exploding. But the blame should fall on Musk and his cronies for their inability to design a rocket that actually works.”

Esteemed Harvard physicist Thomas Wong vocally opposed the decision to remove teachers from future launches.

“Historically, teachers have been used for a wide variety of useful tasks such as being flung at walls during castle sieges and being used to educate young people, but thanks to the Trump administration’s gutting of the Department of Education many teachers are left without work,” said Dr. Wong.“They’ve been looking at this problem all wrong: It’s not the school teachers, it’s a deficiency in school teachers. By adding more school teachers to these flights, they may find greater success in the future. There is an emerging new theory in physics that suggests the optimal way to launch a rocket out of Earth’s atmosphere would be to start with many public school teachers on board, and hurdle increasing numbers of them off as the ship leaves the atmosphere.”

At press time, Musk stated that all highly intelligent chimps will also be taken off future flights and will be required to use Ketamine with him while playing video games.

Venue Collapses After Wall of Death Turns Out to Be Load-Bearing

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WATERVILLE, Maine — Local music venue Reggie’s reportedly collapsed after a wall of death during an Avulsed concert turned out to be load-bearing, sources report.

“I asked that singer to keep the crowd in a wall of death throughout the entire duration of their setlist,” venue owner Bryant Sears complained. “He went through with it during their first song, but then just let the crowd move away from each other and become a regular circle pit. That’s when all hell broke loose. I thought I got the message across, but I guess he didn’t really gather how vital that wall of death was to this venue’s structural integrity. We obviously had to cancel the show, and now I have to put up with people wanting me to refund their ticket prices on top of all the repairs. This is an absolute disaster.”

Avulsed frontman Dave Rotten didn’t take warnings serious enough to avoid the catastrophe.

“The owner had told me to have the wall of death persist, but I just figured he didn’t know what he was talking about,” Rotten said. “You know how many idiot venue owners mention moshing to me before I go on stage? Usually they’re asking us to keep it to a minimum, and I figured that’s what this guy was doing, too. Little did I know that the entire venue was going to crumble 9/11-style the second the wall of death dissipated. We were only on our second song, too. Maybe if we had made it to ‘Gorespattered Suicide’ the building would still be standing, as the walls of death during that are always insane.”

Contractor Lily Brodin provided an estimate on the damage.

“I’d put a ballpark estimate on this one around $50K, at least,” Brodin mentioned while surveying the venue. “I warned the owner when I came here for the building inspection that there’s no way the partitions will remain unless audiences agree to split up and charge at each other indefinitely, and it looks like he didn’t heed my advice. Honestly, it was negligent of him to let this happen. I’m shocked that nobody was hurt, and thank God that’s the case, because he’d be dealing with people suing him for their medical debts the likes of which he would’ve never recovered from.”

At press time, it was revealed that insurance would not cover the damage, as Reggie’s had been in violation of the “no crowd kill” clause.

Opinion: I Respect Your Choice To Have Kids, so Long as You Admit My Child-Free Lifestyle Is Way Cooler Than Yours

Posted on by Amy Currul

With inflation on the rise, climate change increasing rapidly and the second Trump presidency underway, many millennials aging well into their 30’s are deciding whether or not to start a family. I personally have decided to not have kids, but I respect the choices of my friends and family members who are having kids. I just ask one thing in return — admit my child-free lifestyle is way cooler than yours.

I’m not trying to be preachy! You made a choice, and I respect that choice. I’m just asking you to admit that, objectively, I’m having more fun right now than you. I know you’d rather be driving my brand-new Ducati Panigale v4 than your spouse’s 2018 Toyota Sienna. It’s not a judgment, just a matter of taste, and because I’m not held hostage to the ever-changing whims of a toddler and an infant, I have better taste.

I think women should be allowed to do whatever they want to do with their bodies. You want to use your body to have a baby? Sure! Fine! If that’s what you want to do, I respect it. As long as you respect that I’m going to use my body to eat shrooms and get a tramp stamp of the bass line from Waiting Room by Fugazi. They are both equally valid choices! Mine is just better.

You’re sniffling because your kid gave you a cold? Bummer. I’m sniffling because I dried out my noise by doing too much coke. Way more punk reason, but either way, nose stuff sucks. I’ll drop some saline spray off in the morning when I’m done closing the bar, and I’ll throw in a handle of Grey Goose — you probably need it more than I do.

See that? Perfect example — I’m still being a good friend to you, even though you tell me all the time “Having kids is the best thing that ever happened to me” and “You don’t know what you’re missing out on” and “You’re going to be so sad when you get older”. Not hearing an acceptance of my choice in the alternative lifestyle arena, even though I accept your choice to procreate. Again, not judging! We only got 9 billion and counting of these little fuckers running around this blue marble, we sure don’t want to run out!

I think it’s because you used to love my lifestyle and now you’re a bit jealous. You can’t leave your family and let the bouncer at Arlene’s Grocery bum a few cigarettes in exchange for not paying the cover charge, or go dancing with drag queens, or get your nipples pierced by your friend’s new girlfriend in their bathroom. You’ve got responsibilities now, and getting a staph infection from a bad piercing probably doesn’t fit into that. But it’s certainly more memorable and more punk than whatever you do with two kids born during the Joe Biden presidency.

Well, I’m off to go have sex on the beach in Thailand or wherever you wanted to go ten years ago but then you had kids and now you spend your weekends attending a 3-year-old’s birthday party, plus someone has to take little Timmy to Orchestra practice and it’s not going to be Mark now is it? Anyway, enjoy God’s precious gift!

Kid Shocked by How Much Dad Cries in the Bathroom on Take Your Child to Work Day

Posted on by Ryan Danley

CHICAGO — Local 10-year-old Jake Marshall got a surprising glimpse into adulthood during Take Your Child to Work Day when he discovered that his father, Greg Marshall, spends an alarming amount of time sobbing in the office bathroom, confirmed sources who thought it was about time he learned some hard truths.

“I thought grown-ups just, like, worked and drank coffee, but Dad’s in the bathroom more than he’s at his desk. He says he’s ‘answering emails,’ but I can hear him crying like when Mom left,” said the wide-eyed fifth-grader. “I thought work was about making money, but I guess it’s mostly about slowly accepting that your dreams are dead. I don’t get it. When you’re an adult, you finally have money to afford all the ice cream, Xbox games, and flamethrowers you want. I guess all that can’t even reverse the negative effects of an office job.”

The boy’s father, a middle manager at local consulting firm MidasTouch, initially planned to show his child the ropes of the business world.

“I wanted to teach him about spreadsheets and synergy, but it turns out the only synergy I demonstrated was between existential dread and my crippling mortgage,” the father of three explained, blinking away tears. “The only silver lining is that maybe he will be dissuaded from being a ‘motivated’ person and become a skateboarder or a musician in a band that goes nowhere. If I could tell the youth of the world one thing, it would be to save yourself and DO NOT go to college! Be a nobody, play video games, and smoke weed. Anything else is just inviting a lifetime of torment and pain.”

A spokesperson from the Heritage Foundation, a conservative think tank, thought he needed to suck it up.

“There’s actually a surprising amount of purpose that can be found in creating wealth for the shareholders. You just have to find it within yourself. It’s in there if you look hard enough, I promise,” said spokesperson Todd Fisher. “Men need to toughen up and stuff down every emotion they feel bubbling up to the surface—no one ever built a successful career on feelings. Maybe if this dad valued productivity over mental health, he wouldn’t be crying in the bathroom. And he really shouldn’t be showing his son vulnerability like that. This is not what the workplace is all about. No, it’s about pizza parties in lieu of raises.”

At press time, the boy took his father to his school for Career Day, but the 57-year-old spent most of his time crying in the library’s restroom.

Trump Says Statue of Liberty Is “A Six, at Best”

Posted on by Trevor Graham

WASHINGTON — President Trump commented on the appearance of the Statue of Liberty calling it a “six, at best” during a press conference on the Isareli-Palestinian conflict, sources who are surely trapped in a fever dream reported.

“Look at what the radical left has done to our once great country. You look at Lady Liberty who should be beautiful but is really like a six on a good day and it’s so sad,” said Trump to a bewildered press corps. “Perhaps we should look into making her beautiful again. We can give her a tremendous smile. Women always look better when they smile, don’t they? They love to smile, the women. But not so much anymore with what Crooked Joe did to the price of eggs. The women aren’t smiling anymore, you know? But you look and see that perhaps we’ll even give the statue a little more cleavage. I know Hegseth would like that, wouldn’t you?”

White House staffers say this is not the first time the president has commented on the Statue of Liberty’s physical appearance.

“He’s been talking about it for like a week. Cabinet members keep trying to get him to focus on these real issues but he just keeps interrupting and saying things like how ‘she would really look a lot better if we painted her gold, don’t you think?’ He also kept mentioning that she was an immigrant from France, perhaps undocumented. We’re all so confused,” said junior staffer Trent Lubbard. “He had me look up how to put eyeliner on the face of the statue somehow. He said they could probably do it from a helicopter. He’s a great man and I believe in his vision but even I sometimes wonder if this was all a huge mistake.”

Conservative pundit Karl Strungis says Trump has every right to change the appearance of the statue.

“As commander-in-chief with complete immunity, Trump is well within his constitutional right to modify in any way the Statue of Liberty, or really any national landmark for that matter,” said Strungis. “He can go ahead and make the statue look like Ivanka, or have his own face engraved onto the Vietnam Memorial for all I care as long as he distracts the general public long enough for the adults in the room to push through our agenda.”

At press time, Trump said to reporters that he was looking into doing something about “that real haggy-looking lady” on the Susan B. Anthony coin.

The Next Siskel & Ebert? These Two Buddies Watch a Lot of Porn Together

Posted on by Jay Leon Feder

Nearly forty years ago, “Siskel & Ebert at the Movies” debuted on ABC, changing the face of film criticism forever. The program not only gave the moviegoing public guidelines on what was good, but it also offered millions of film nerds across the country the chance to identify with one of two middle-aged white men—portly and lovable populist Roger Ebert or the tall, dark, and handsome curmudgeon Gene Siskel.

Now, over 25 years after Gene Siskel’s death, Wyatt Camp and Ben Conn of Glencoe, Illinois, hope to bring that magic back. These two buddies keep the legacy alive through their favorite shared pastime: watching a lot of porn together. You may ask, how is this honoring the legacy of the two late Chicago legends? Not only do Wyatt and Ben watch at least twenty full porn scenes together a day, but after each viewing, they discuss every scene at length.

“At first, we just needed to find a shared activity to save our dying friendship,” Wyatt stated. “But we realized we both watch a lot of porn, so we might as well bond over it.”

When asked if the pair have any plans to showcase their discussions for the public, Ben said, “Like many things in my life, I’ve been wrong, but as of now, we have no plans to share our love of discussing porno with the world. We did develop our own system, though—a hard-on is our thumbs up, and flaccid is thumbs down.”

When asked if their dynamic was as antagonistic as that of Siskel and Ebert, Ben simply replied “It’s hard to argue with someone when you’re both fully erect.”

After seven years of uninterrupted porn-watching bliss, the boys had a falling out during the pandemic over diverging interests. Wyatt always had a preference for MILF and age-play videos. Ben was cool with it—they had an understanding. However, during the pandemic, Wyatt refused to watch anything other than lesbian videos featuring Hungarian grannies seducing Spanish college girls.

At the same time, Ben shifted from his usual preferred meat-and-potatoes anal and cuckold videos to foisting unwelcome triple-anal cuckold videos with racist undertones onto Wyatt.

After alienating the rest of their mutual friend group, Wyatt and Ben realized they had to mend things and find common ground again. They only had each other, after all. Nowadays, you’ll find the boys cracking open a couple of brewskis to the latest milking table fetish videos. Real friendship always endures hardship!

Man Caught Lying to Blind Date About His Band’s Font Size on Festival Poster

Posted on by Ben Friedman

HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. — Frontman Dale Leinert humiliated himself after his blind date discovered the font size of his band on a local festival poster was nowhere near as big as he told her, sources close to the band have confirmed.

“No, no, no. See, what she needs to realize is the size of a band’s billing varies by what kind of paper the promoters use and if you’re looking at the flyer on your phone. I mean, is there really that much of a difference between 6 and 14 points? It’s a perfectly normal size in smaller entertainment markets,” said Leinert. “Doesn’t everyone exaggerate on the first date? If anything, the reason it seems smaller on the poster is because ‘Neutral Milk Hotel California’ is too long of a band name to fit in the middle of the bill. This is clearly a formatting issue and not a performance problem.”

Leinert’s date admitted she would not have cared so much about his band’s billing had he not made multiple attempts to gaslight her.

“I know some singers get self-conscious about their bill placement, but I’m not fucking stupid. He spent the entire night bragging how his band was on the same tier as Bouncing Souls, and when I pulled the flyer out of his pocket I saw they’re almost dead last next to some DJ I’ve never heard of,” said Emily Jones. “He was freaking out, so I told him lots of small bands actually sound bigger once they’re on stage but he kept trying to trick me into believing the problem was that women see fonts differently from men. Have fun with your 10 am time slot, asshole.”

The festival’s promoter acknowledged he’s relentlessly badgered by bands regarding their placement and size on the posters.

“It’s more than just politics and posturing, it’s one hundred percent about ego. Any promoter can tell you the very second festival lineups are announced, smaller bands start coming after our graphic designers to ‘enhance’ their names by putting it in Impact font or some bullshit,” said promoter Daniel Berry. “I don’t want to blow up anyone’s spot, but if someone you know sends you an unsolicited picture of the festival lineup they’re playing, chances are it’s been Photoshopped to look bigger. Just saying.”

At press time, Jones left in the middle of the date after Leinert relentlessly insisted to her that 200 streams a month is actually a lot for Spotify artists.

Devoted Christian Donald Trump Asks Priest “What’s That Black Shit on Everyone’s Forehead?”

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump attended Ash Wednesday service at St. John’s Episcopal Church, Lafayette Square, where he reportedly asked the reverend performing the service why he was applying “black shit” to everyone’s forehead, confirmed sources.

“I love Ash Wednesday. Such a beautiful day of the week. As many know, I am a devout Christian and frankly the most religious President to ever hold the office, but I don’t understand why the reverend was drawing on everyone’s forehead with chimney soot. Maybe it’s a new thing they do,” Trump said. “I said, who am I, Bert from Mary Poppins? Remember Mary Poppins? You can watch it now on—they call it Disney Plus. I liked it better when it was called Netflix, but now they call it Disney Plus. Maybe they’ll change it back. Who knows.”

Witnesses claim the President’s confusion didn’t stop at the receiving of ashes.

“He thought the reverend was making a lowercase ‘t’ on everyone’s forehead for ‘Trump,’” said Sadie Wilkes, a congregation member at St. John’s. “When the reverend told him it was a cross he just said ‘oh’ and his face fell like a kid whose parents told him no more screen time. Trump immediately tried wiping it off after he said it was itchy. As a MAGA supporter and Christian, I’ll give him a pass.”

Reverend Robert W. Fisher confirmed the President was ignorant of the church’s Ash Wednesday ritual but quickly added that God loves all his children equally, even the “challenging ones.”

“I welcome President Trump’s curiosity,” said Reverend Fisher. “Any day I get to introduce someone to a facet of Christianity they’re not familiar with is a good day, as far as I’m concerned. That’s not to say that the service wasn’t a little bumpy. I could have done without Eric and Don Jr. making WOOSH noises and swinging around their palm leaves like lightsabers during my sermon, and, yes, I was taken aback when the President asked me to put some of the ashes in his Diet Coke so he would get ‘Jesus powers.’ But you know, love thy neighbor and whatnot.”

At press time, Trump asked the reverend if Easter will be in July or August this year.