How Am I Supposed To Raise My Pet Tarantula in Times Like These?

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

If you read the news like me, it’s easy to stress about the future. The rich get richer and the poor are getting poorer. Fascist, chauvinistic government fools will speak about destruction. One wonders how they can have joy, let alone spread that joy to our little ones. By little ones of course, I mean pet tarantulas.

Last year I bought a Mexican Fireleg whom I named Shelob. She is my everything. We have a bond stronger than the power of Goku. But I’m not stupid. I know I don’t have the luxury to shield her from the harsh truths of reality. It is my job as her owner to look into her many innocent eyes and help her understand. I want to hug her and tell her everything is alright as I stroke her urticating hairs that make my eyes feel funny.

As she is very empathetic, I often find Shelob spending hours a day just sitting there motionless in her terrarium just staring off into space. She is clearly paralyzed with fear. Sometimes she is so nervous she burrows into the dirt. Like many of you, it makes me a concerned parent. This is not right. She should be happily crawling over my face or my roommates when they sleep.

But this is not just about me, this goes out to everyone with a pet arachnid who wants them to live a life free of endless wars and racism. Many famous tarantula owners such as Billie Eiliish surely feel the same way.

Remind your pet tarantula that the world is not all cruelty and despair. There’s plenty to love like kittens, apple pie, or the delightful comedy of Conner O’Malley. Play some of their favorite prog metal like Blind Guardian or Elvenking. Put on the David Arquette classic movie Eight Legged Freaks. Give them social time with your pet lizards. Despite everything the world tries to take from you, these things they can’t.

So don’t stress and decide it’s wrong to raise a tarantula in these times. Personally, I’m going to breed Shelob and look forward to caring for her four hundred babies because the world may seem dark, but that’s when you provide a fluorescent bulb for their twelve-hour light/dark cycle.

“Wheelchair Ramps Are Woke!” Screams Man Who Was Once a Child Capable of Love and Empathy

Posted on by Sean Fallon

TAMPA, Fla. — Local curmudgeon John McCallister loudly revealed that he believed wheelchair ramps are woke, despite once being capable of love and empathy as a child, confirmed sources gradually turning their chairs away from him.

“There’s no way in Hell I can sit back and watch as everyone has equitable access to a building,” said McCallister. “If God wanted us to walk on a slant, he wouldn’t have paved our roads. The founding fathers liked stairs and perfectly horizontal floors and nothing else. It’s all just entitled Millennials who want to change all stairs into ramps like they want to change all girls into boys and all boys into more ramps. Mostly I blame DEI for this ramp epidemic.”

Sally Dean, McCallister’s ex-wife, says that when they met, he was full of wonder and joy but gradually succumbed to awfulness.

“We were married for 15 years,” said Dean, who lives in California and doesn’t take McCallister’s calls. “Once John decided that not dying of COVID was woke, we split up and he’s only gotten worse, saying that sandwiches, hurricanes, the Kansas City Chiefs, prepositions, and email auto-replies are all woke. He used to actually smile. But then he said that was lib crap. It’s like he sees sociopathy as a strength.”

Abel Foley, a child psychologist, sees this kind of behavior all the time in men who used to be children capable of compassion but are now terrified that everything is changing and will somehow harm them.

“John is one of many,” said Foley, who has recently been treating more man-children than actual children. “A kid sees the world as something pure and good with some scary bits on the fringes, like the Boogeyman or whatever is hiding underneath the bed. Once they grow up and start listening to Rogan and watching Fox News, those scary bits take over and the next minute they’re worried that wiping their asses properly makes them gay. Eventually, we’ll hit the woke singularity and these men will implode into miniature black holes, which is for the best of society.”

At press time, McCallister declared that subtitles on movies and TV shows are woke, even though he desperately needs them himself.

Opinion: School Never Taught Me How to Manage My Finances, But Learning How to Square Dance Has Made My Entire Life So Much Richer

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

As I write this from a jail cell for accidental tax evasion, I know one thing is certain: the world of finances remains a great mystery, but learning how to square dance has made me a much better person.

Did you know I met my first girlfriend square dancing? I got a promotion when my boss saw me square dance. I even saved a man’s life by square dancing! Let me set the scene: it’s a beautiful black tie event. I start square dancing and accidentally bump into the mayor of Minneapolis while do-si-doing. I gasp as a weenie hor d’oeuvre cannonballs out of his airway. Turns out, he was choking and my square dancing was the perfect, direct hit Heimlich maneuver. It has truly been a light in a dark place, especially since I was living in my Mercury Sable at the time after declaring bankruptcy. All I can say is, thank god for the American school system.

I just wish I had been a bit smarter about my finances. I wish someone taught me how to balance a checkbook or what a high yield savings account was. It would have been amazing to learn what interest was… My friends were kind enough to help me pay off a large chunk of my $250,000 of debt, but unfortunately, all I could give them were IOUs. They don’t talk to me anymore, I get it. The only person calling me nowadays is Dan Fielder from collections. He never wants to just grab a beer—it’s always “unpaid balance this,” and “foreclosure process that.”

But sometimes, the thrill of square dancing makes up for all of my financial struggles. It’s so emotionally rewarding. I’m thinking about turning square dancing into a career, so I can finally make money from what I love doing most. There has to be an audience for niche group dances taught in in middle school. I can even throw in other ‘90s PE classics, like hiding under a colorful parachute together, or riding scooters down a bumpy blacktop slope. I’m sure there’s dozens of dollars to be made here.

Thankfully the education system gave me plenty of other skills to become a successful adult. It taught me the three P’s: the Pledge of Allegiance, the Pythagorean theorem, and Punnett squares. Can you say, “cha-ching”?

Photo by Unuaiga.

Iron Maiden Writes Song About the British Credit Crisis of 1772 After Realizing They’ve Already Covered Every Other Topic in Human History

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LONDON — Legendary British metal band Iron Maiden found themselves writing a song about the British Credit Crisis of 1772 after discovering they had already covered every other topic in human history, sources report.

“I went into the studio excited to write a song about ancient Egypt, but we apparently already did that decades ago,” said frontman Bruce Dickinson. “I went to my backup plan of a chronological narration of the life of Alexander the Great, but sure enough, the closer to ‘Somewhere in Time’ already took care of that. So I then scrambled through some history books and wrote lyrics about the Falklands War, but it turns out we did that on ‘Virtual XI.’ Honestly, that one shouldn’t even count because I wasn’t even on that album. I ended up picking this boring credit crisis because there was literally nothing left. It’s going to be tough trying to give this subject matter that adventurous Maiden sound.”

Fan Pua Kalani expressed her concerns about her favorite band.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love Iron Maiden,” Kalani said. “I just think they’ve been around for so long that it’s starting to affect their ability to write new music. I mean, it’s tough seeing the band that wrote ‘The Trooper’ and ‘Flash of the Blade’ resorting to writing songs about 18th century finance just to continue being original. I have a passion for the most exciting parts of history that began with Iron Maiden, so it’s a drag seeing them write songs about some old British prick shorting East India Company stock.”

Music expert Claude Runer was not surprised at the issue Iron Maiden was facing.

“Metal bands that have been around for decades find themselves starved for new ideas all the time,” Runer offered. “How many different ways can Deicide express their hatred for God via song lyrics, or Cannibal Corpse describe someone being killed in a horrible fashion? My advice to Mr. Dickinson is to just call it quits on the new stuff altogether. Nobody’s going to Iron Maiden concerts excited to hear the new material, so he should just consider himself lucky to have made a career out of music, even if it means satiating his fans by playing ‘2 Minutes to Midnight’ for the millionth time.”

At press time, Dickinson was considering writing science fiction lyrics inspired by the work of Aldous Huxley before realizing he’d already done that, too.

Dive Bar Employee Fired for Having Food Handler’s License

Posted on by Dom Turek

PITTSBURGH, Pa. — An employee at a local dive bar and eatery, Rock Room, shocked co-workers and customers alike after revealing he holds a food handler’s license, putting everyone at risk of looking like dorks by association, sources close to the unfolding story reported.

“If I had known, I never would have hired him,” said the manager of Rock Room, David Vasquez. “Guests expect some level of disservice when they come here, and he’s mocking that precedent. It was obvious he wasn’t qualified for this job when I noticed he used tongs to garnish drinks instead of his hands. Everyone knows those tongs are there for show in case the health department stops by.”

The purported food-and-drink expert, Mark Whatley, paid thirty dollars to take an hour-long training course and even took a forty-question test in hopes of getting a leg up on the competition when applying to restaurant positions.

“I tried to explain to my manager that I’m usually much more irresponsible than this,” said Whatley, “But he’d already made up his mind. I wish he were around to see when I re-used silverware I dropped on the ground last week, or even yesterday when my bar rag got a little dry and I used some spit to clean one of the high tops. If only I had one more chance, I could prove I serve a risk to potential customers.”

This state-issued document is considered essential for anyone handling food and is often relied on by law for cooks, servers, and bartenders, but the topic is still up for debate.

“He got his food handler’s license to work at a dive bar?” asked veteran health inspector Brian Dickerson, unable to stifle his laughter. “That’s so lame. A food handler’s license is required in the same way a concealed carry permit is ‘required’ in Texas. A dive bar is a place where people go to feel unsafe and vaguely sick afterward, and he’s taking away from that dining experience by making sure meat is being stored at the right temperature.”

At press time, Rock Room management was seen firing a bartender after finding out she once attended a mixology course.

8 Other Songs Natalie Portman Said Would Change My Life but Ended Up Just Being Indie Rock From 2004

Posted on by Kyle Donley

There I was in the neurologist’s office waiting room, sitting next to Natalie Portman. I couldn’t believe it! She was even more beautiful in person than on the big screen and for some reason, she wanted me to hear a song that would “change my life.” As she gently placed her headphones over my ears, I knew we were destined to be together. My wife and kids will understand. Hell, when they see me on the red carpet with Natalie at the Independent Spirit Awards they might even be proud of their old man, and ex-husband respectively.

I remember thinking “I can learn to love The Shins, no big deal!” but it didn’t stop there. Turns out there are many songs that Natalie believes will change my life! And thanks to Dr. Felder’s notoriously long wait-times, I was all ears.

TV On the Radio “Staring at the Sun”

Ooh yeah this is a good one. Certainly meaningful-sounding. Although it is just a song about a guy standing in a lake with his mouth open, right?

Arcade Fire “Wake Up”

Yeah totally. Sweeping chorus, whoa-oh-oh stuff going on. Maybe a stretch that it would change my life but I feel like I saw this in a trailer once and it was very effective.

Rilo Kiley “Portions For Foxes”

Yeah yeah, song’s fine. God she’s beautiful. What color are her eyes? They’re not brown, they’re like…burnt sienna? Cedarwood?

Modest Mouse “Float On”

Hmm. When she says “change my life” does she just mean songs that remind me of high school? Like does she think she’s introducing me to these songs? Whatever, I’m not gonna say anything, she’s so pretty!

Interpol “Slow Hands”

This isn’t even coming close to changing my life. “We spies, we slow hands, put the weights around yourself?” That doesn’t mean anything!

Bloc Party “Like Eating Glass”

Shouldn’t she be playing me the Beatles or John Coltrane or something? And why is she playing everything from an iPod mini?

Ambulance LTD “Stay Where You Are”

Nope, her eyes are definitely just brown. What is she even doing out on Long Island? This is weirding me out.

Dogs Die In Hot Cars “Paul Newman’s Eyes”

What the fuck is this?! Oh thank god, they finally called my name. Hopefully the test results came back negative for this brain tumor and I can move on with my life.

30 Injured at Stevie Nicks Concert in Twirling Session Gone Wrong

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

ATLANTA — Authorities were called to the State Farm Arena this evening to respond to what eyewitnesses report as a twirling session at a Stevie Nicks concert that went “horribly wrong” and left at least 30 people with a range of injuries, confirmed sources who haven’t been able to listen to “Rumors” since.

“At this time none of the injuries appear to be life threatening,” said Gloria Bernice, a spokesperson for the Atlanta Fire Department. “We’re still piecing together what happened, but we believe that during a rendition of ‘Landslide’ Ms. Nicks began to twirl and subsequently lost control of her body and pirouetted into the crowd. In addition to those whacked by her flailing arms, others were injured in the rush to get out of the path of the out of control singer. We’re still investigating the incident, but, contrary to the rumors online, there is no evidence that this was the result of witchcraft.

Eyewitnesses at the concert described the scene as “chaotic” and “confusing” and with many only narrowly escaping injury.

“It all just happened so fast, I’m still trying to process the whole thing,” reported Heather Campbell. “Everything seemed fine but then I noticed that she kept twirling faster and faster and I began to worry that something might be wrong. Before I knew it, there was this mass of scarves flying everywhere towards the front of the crowd and people were running away. The sound of tambourine as it whizzed by my head still haunts me.”

Nicks was quick to issue an apology, calling the incident an unfortunate accident.

“I am truly sorry for the injuries and trauma that I may have caused anyone,” said the former Fleetwood Mac member. “Please know that this was a freak accident and that people can continue to come to my shows and feel safe. I have had a chance to visit many of those injured and I am committed to helping out with their medical costs and any future therapy they may need by giving them a credit on tickets to my future shows.”

At press time, authorities said that this event, while tragic, still pales in comparison to the 2009 Cupid Shuffle that destroyed several blocks of Downtown Atlanta.

Five Songs We’re Listening To This Week While Pretending An Extra Hour Of Sunlight Has Cured Our Depression

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

You may have woken up this morning noticing the light was a little different. That’s right, it’s that magical time of the year where we ‘spring forward’ and gain more sunlight in the day. For the next couple of weeks, you’ll notice people seeming more friendly and jovial before the reality of our political and economic climate comes crashing down yet again. While we’re in this honeymoon phase, though, we should probably have a bitchin’ soundtrack. Here are five songs you can listen to on your porch or whatever for an extra forty-five minutes after work.

Teen Mortgage ‘Party’

If you’ve ever watched a house party spiral into complete chaos and thought, ‘I bet I can make this worse,’ this song is for you. Teen Mortgage’s latest, ‘Party,’ is a blistering garage-punk anthem that sounds like someone set a keg on fire, plugged it into a broken amp and hit record. It’s the theme song to drunkenly falling asleep in your bathtub at 4 a.m. while your upstairs neighbor once again wonders why they weren’t invited to the rager.

Wavves ‘So Long’

Nathan Williams of Wavves has made a career out of writing songs for people who live like every day is their last. On the band’s latest single, ‘So Long,’ it actually sounds like he means it. Though not without a crisply produced sheen, the track is somewhat of a return to the project’s scrappier form: surfy, snotty, and just detached enough to make you wonder if you should be a little worried.

Ghost ‘Satanized’

Say what you will about Ghost, but they’re probably the only band that could write a song called ‘Satanized’ and somehow make it sound like an arena-rock anthem from an alternate universe where Scooby-Doo villains headline Coachella. The riffs are massive, the chorus is ridiculously catchy, and the whole thing feels like a high-budget haunted house—spooky, theatrical, and just self-aware enough to pull it off.

The Voidz ‘Blue Demon’

Julian Casablancas’ The Voidz continue their mission to sound like an unhinged band from a dystopian future where robots and humans have merged and traveled back in time to tell you that everyone is still really bummed out. Their latest, ‘Blue Demon,’ is glitchy, hypnotic, and just disturbing enough to make you question if you’re actually enjoying it or just too confused to tell. Either way, it pairs well with existential dread and staring into the abyss of your phone screen.

Steady Holiday ‘Seasonal Optimism’

If the extra sunlight fails to fix everything in your life, you might find some temporary relief within the timely Steady Holiday single ‘Seasonal Optimism.’ The dreamy instrumentation and hushed vocals feel like a pep talk from someone who knows they aren’t getting through to your garbage disposal of a brain, but it’s still nice to know that someone cares. Play this one while realizing it’s going to take a lot more than touching grass to make you feel things again.

You want more? Of course you do! You’re likely going to be this jazzed about life forever, right? Well, don’t let us stop your party. We’ve compiled these, and several other songs, into an ever-growing, increasingly disorienting playlist that will carry you through the spring and summer months or until you read the news and get sad again. Listen and follow below:

Mel Gibson Announces Feature-Length Sequel to 2006 DUI Arrest Video

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

LOS ANGELES — Director and grizzled high school shop teacher look-alike Mel Gibson announced this week that his next project, “The Truth,” will be a feature-length documentary and sequel to the police footage of his 2006 DUI arrest, sources confirmed.

“Daddy’s been released from woke jail, and he’s brought his camera and director’s chair with him,” said Gibson, grinning like he’d just heard a racial slur. “I apologized for my comments about Jews being responsible for every war in history, and I almost meant every word of it. Anyway, the feature will explore the origin of cancel culture, which clearly started on July 28, 2006 when I got arrested for my first of seven or eight DUIs. Not to mention I will be personally calling out a number of other ethnoreligious groups immediately after consuming 15 straight beers. This is going to be a must-see film.”

Fans of Gibson’s work are excited about the prospect of a sequel to the infamous video.

“I’m fucking pumped about it. The one thing lacking in the ‘Lethal Weapon’ franchise is the Martin Riggs character going off on rabbis,” said longtime fan James Tucker. “The original clip was way too short and ended abruptly. My boy Mel could go any number of ways in the sequel. The possibilities are endless. For instance, will there be a love interest, like Helen Hunt? Will he discuss the actual death toll of the Holocaust alongside his sidekick, Danny Glover? Or could he expose all the child-killing and blood-drinking at the Thunderdome? Do your research—all the evidence is on X and The Right Stuff.”

Film industry analyst Jackie Addison discussed the excellent timing of Gibson’s announcement.

“The American public cannot get enough sequels and reboots, so anyone who’s anyone is trying to make one,” explained Addison, sighing heavily. “Hollywood is just a buffet of milquetoast sequel slop, and all social media platforms are teeming with virulent racism and anti-semitism. Yet, they’re both part of the cultural zeitgeist right now because Americans are uniquely talented at acting against their own best interests, especially American men. It was only a matter of time before we found a new way to torture ourselves by combining the two. It’s only fitting that Gibson is doing it, considering his most popular movie is Christian torture porn.”

At press time, Gibson also announced that he’s partnering with Nick Fuentes and his production company, Triple Bracket Studios, to release the film.