TAMPA, Fla. — Local death metal band Sinister Descent unveiled a brand new logo after bassist Saul Cohen had the presence of mind to photograph a pile of spaghetti he dropped on the floor while transferring it from a colander to his plate, unreasonably excited sources confirmed.
“Our last logo was just a little too legible,” said Cohen as he picked some hairs out of the pasta before smothering it in room-temperature tomato sauce. “If you squint, you could totally see the first letter of each word. If anyone can tell your band name from your logo without a reverse Google search, you might as well just call yourselves The Death Metal Posers. We’ve been trying to find something at least comparable to Krallice’s logo, that whole crown of thorns-looking thing; you can kinda make out the ‘K’ and the ‘E’ if you just had like four bong rips, but otherwise? Not a chance.”
Sinister Descent fan Ferdinand Stone had high praise for the new logo.
“A bunch of my friends are all into Sanguisugabogg, and they think they’re hot shit because the logo on their t-shirts is not only illegible but also asymmetrical,” Stone explained with visible exasperation. “I mean, how do you compete with that? They’ll be at a bar or coffee shop and chicks will chat them up just to find out what their shirt is all about. Well, that’s what they thought would happen, anyway. But this new Sinister Descent logo? Totally chaotic. I’m gonna get a shirt and a hat just so everyone else around Tampa will know I’m legit and hungry for pasta.”
Musicology graduate student Erin Pollempy, who is preparing to defend her thesis on iconography in extreme metal, was unsurprised by this development.
“Most contemporary death metal’s logos are totally homogenous,” Pollempy explained. “Fans can be in denial about it all they want, but once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. So it stands to reason that bands would try to differentiate themselves by trying new things. After all, whichever band’s logo is the most absurdly unreadable becomes the alpha. Civerous has been hanging onto that title for awhile now after dropping a pot of Sloppy Joe’s onto the floor and using it as their logo, but it looks like Sinister Descent is giving them a run for their money with this new spaghetti one.”
At press time, members of Sinister Descent were panicking upon learning that the guitarist for their biggest scene rival had just dropped a 1,000-count box of paper clips on the floor of his car.