Thrifty Millennial Saves $50 by Spending 4 Hours Shopping at 7 Different Grocery Stores

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

BELLEVILLE, NJ — Financially savvy 38-year-old Scott Lawry revealed his secret to saving $50 is to spend several hours shopping at multiple grocery stores, confused sources with disposable income confirmed.

“You have to start out with the non-perishables because you’re going to be in your car for a while,” Lawry advised as he merged into rush-hour traffic to save $.50 on a five-pound of russet potatoes at the ALDI across town. “I typically spend three hours on the Kroger app looking for digital coupons, but that’s my last stop because it’s so close to home, and I first have to hit up the Dollar General for toiletries, Publix for produce, and the Walmart Neighborhood Market for the name-brand snacks. When I’m really strapped, I use my Target Red Card because it takes 48 hours to hit my bank account, and I can load up on enough granola and non-dairy milk to get me through the next few days while I wait for my direct deposit.”

Lawry’s girlfriend Hope Mullen admires her partner’s resourcefulness, but laments over the cost to their relationship.

“We used to do things on weekends, but now our time is lost chasing savings,” Mullen wept as she opened a crushed box of Cheez-Its that was purchased from the scratch and dent section of the Save A Lot two towns over. “We used to go to the park, concerts, and take day trips to the city, but Scott has become so obsessed with finding the best deals that our Saturdays are now mostly spent trying to ‘beat the rush’ even though we spend $30 in gas money to get all of our groceries at the best price.”

Benjamin Clark, Lawry’s best friend and toughest critic, suggested an easier way to save money on a weekly grocery haul.

“I just steal whenever I can,” said Clark as he punched Lawry’s phone number into the gas station keypad to steal his fuel points. “If stores want to charge eight bucks for Rice Krispies, you just need to find a blind spot so you can stuff some beef jerky into the box before hitting up the self-checkout. You just need to be ready to run to the getaway car if some overzealous cashier is in a tackling mood. If Scott could just balls up and learn this tech, he’d both be saving a ton of money and not waste an entire day in his shitty minivan.”

At press time, Lawry was spotted wearing a fake mustache at Costco so he could use his dad’s membership card.

Scientists Warn Sunday Scaries Could Begin as Early as Thursday by 2035

Posted on by Tim Graham

HELSINKI, Finland — University of Helsinki researchers released results of a study showing the Sunday Scaries are gradually encroaching on the earlier days of the week, according to colleagues already dreading Monday.

“As the name implies, the Sunday Scaries were initially limited to Sunday only,” said the study’s co-author Emilia Lutefisk. “However, we have observed anxiety associated with the impending work week has been creeping ever earlier for many working people. We attribute this effect to the stress of stagnating wages, the decline of unions and loss of governmental safety nets. Let me clarify–this does not apply to a lot of us here in Europe. The study focused on countries with weakening worker protections, such as the US and several third-world nations.”

Many workers have been noticing more of their weeks being consumed by the Sunday Scaries, as confirmed by perennially-stressed office manager Cynthia Stone.

“I think about work all the time,” said Stone. “And I have noticed that the fear of the coming week has been growing lately. I used to get the scaries around dusk on Sunday, but it’s been manifesting earlier. Forget having fun—I’d just like to have a nice, quiet weekend without counting down the hours until I have to be back at my desk. Sometimes I’ll stay up really late on a Saturday to try and stave off the inevitable, but I wind up sleeping super late and then spending what’s left of the day meal-prepping and doomscrolling.”

Self-proclaimed “grindset” influencer Michael Sphinx says the only way to prevent Sunday Scaries is to never stop working at all.

“How can you be worried about going back to work if you’re working every waking moment?” asked Sphinx as he edited a spreadsheet while Doordashing. “I can’t count how many jobs and side hustles I’ve got. The gig economy is amazing for people who need very little sleep and don’t care about having friends, hobbies or relationships. So no, I never get Sunday Scaries, because my Sundays are packed full with dog walking, double-shifts bartending and playing Spiderman at kids’ parties. It’s all about time management. I’m even developing a method to eat while I sleep, which will save me tons of time.”

At press time, Lutefisk’s team had launched a follow-up study to analyze alcohol consumption trends on Thirsty Thursdays in relation to Sunday Scaries.

Failed Trump Assassin Revealed to Be Descendant of Immigrants Who Came to Country Illegally 230 Years Ago

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BETHEL PARK, Penn. — New information about Matthew Crooks, the 20-year-old registered Republican who made a failed attempt to kill former President Trump, shows his family immigrated to America illegally nearly two centuries ago, outraged conservative pundits confirmed.

“We found that Matthew Crooks descended from Andrew Crookes of Yorkshire, England. The Crookes family was attempting to join an established colony in Nova Scotia when their ship went off course and they ended up off the coast of Massachusetts in 1795 and decided to start their legacy of crime,” said right-wing investigator Gabe Butler. “The entire Crooks family should have never been in our country to begin with. Andrew Crookes is responsible for hundreds, if not thousands, of illegals who have been mooching off the backs of hard-working Americans for nearly ten generations. There is only one person to blame here, and that is Joe Biden and his open border policy, if Trump had been in office in 1795 then that boat would have been forced to turn right around.”

Conservative pundits at this week’s RNC were quick to capitalize on Crooks’ immigration status.

“It goes without saying that we need immigration reform, but this should also be retroactive. If you can’t trace your lineage back to my personal hero Christopher Columbus then you need to go back to your own country,” said Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA). “It’s kind of funny, Joe Biden has been awfully quiet ever since we started calling for these mass deportations. What’s the matter Joe? Afraid of what we might find? Today I’m calling on Joe Biden to release his long-form ancestry report to the American people. We deserve to know.”

Dr. Lewis Hammon, a Professor of American History at Stanford, says there is some logic behind this new line of thinking.

“When we were kids we were taught that America was basically empty before European settlers got here. We were told that a few Indigenous tribes welcomed these visitors with open arms, but unfortunately that’s not the truth. These European immigrants exterminated the native community,” said Dr. Hammon. “So when conservatives talk about how illegal immigrants are coming to this country and terrorizing people they are absolutely right. They are just a few hundred years too late for it to be true.”

At press time, reports also indicate that while Crooks attended high school he attended Spanish class for at least two semesters.

Collapsing Nation Still Somehow Expects Singer to Perform Anthem Sober

Posted on by Claire Alexander

ARLINGTON, Texas — Americans everywhere took a brief pause from threatening to kill each other online to share that they believe Ingrid Andress should have been sober during her performance of the National Anthem Monday night.

“Our Nation’s anthem is the greatest song ever to exist, every time I hear it I can’t help but bawl my eyes out and salute the stars and stripes. However, the rendedition by Ms. Andress was the worst thing to happen to this country since President Clinton,” said Republican Governor, Greg Abbott, as he turned on a generator to power an air conditioner and dressed himself in a bullet-proof vest. “I know things are bad under Biden. Ms. Andress was probably worried about our Southern border and how the Democrats let people run free all over it, but that’s no excuse. We’re never going to get the respect of the rest of the world if we are constantly giving stage time to Americans who make a mockery of themselves. ”

Maryland resident Bradelyn Lake was particularly offended after watching the performance while wasted at a local bar.

“I would never do that,” shares Bradelyn Lake, mother of two overfed Shih-Tzu’s. “I mean, I don’t really remember watching it, but I know it was bad, and I know I would never do that to our nation that I love. If you sing the dang Pledge of Allegiance you better do it right or I’ll find you and cut you to bits. This country protects me from homeless people, from scary guys with guns, and from going to hell for driving my neighbor to an abortion. Other countries are not free to arm themselves when they leave the house. I can’t imagine getting in my car without my AK, people get attacked all the time, what if I’m next?”

However, European leaders completely agree with the behavior.

“It’s standard protocol to breathalyze everyone who enters Wembley Stadium to make sure they’re drunk enough, including players,” says Mayor of London Sadiq Khan. “This incident makes sense to me. Prior to our election, the recorded rates of intoxication throughout the stadium were much higher. America’s terrifying future is in the hands of its citizens, and to cope, in one of those hands should also be a cold one.”

At press time, Governor Abbott lifted up his face shield to share that he will be performing the National Anthem at all future Texas sporting events.

Bug That Crawled Into Man’s Ear While Using FYE Listening Station in 2002 Finally Dies

Posted on by Chris Bowen

JOHNSON CITY, N.Y. — Local music fan Alan Rickland was feeling a bit sad recently after the bug that had been living in his ear canal for over 22 years picked up from a pair of FYE listening station headphones finally passed away, grieving sources report.

“I obviously always knew the day would come that Clovis would eventually croak, and even though I never really figured out if he was a beetle or a roach or what kind of bug he was, it doesn’t make the loss any less painful,” Rickland explained somberly. “I’ll never forget that day, as a 12-year-old, listening to Eminem’s ‘Lose Yourself’ for the first time at an FYE, feeling something special musically was entering my ears, as well as a critter I would eventually call a friend. I’ll always miss him, his constant burrowing, and the way I could feel him scurry in my ear whenever I’d bump him with a cotton swab.”

Former FYE employee Melissa Parker wasn’t surprised to learn about the insect infestations at the listening stations.

“I feel like most of my time was spent removing Slayer and Cannibal Corpse CDs some jokesters would put in the Christian music section, I never really paid much attention to the listening stations,” Parker stated. “In fact, I don’t remember anyone ever cleaning those things. We actually used to joke about the headphones at our store and that the SARS outbreak back in 2003 probably started there. Still not quite as bad as the shit they used to pierce ears at the Claire’s back then.”

Many health officials agree the spread of parasites and infectious diseases have been lessened by the fact listening stations no longer exist.

“Be it headphones at record stores, video game displays at Walmarts or fortune-telling machines at hole-in-the-wall diners, the world is much safer now that these audio petri dishes have been rendered a thing of the past,” Dr. Ali Gould explained. “The data simply shows that while the older generations complain about kids never going outside or interacting with the world around them, they are much, much safer because of it. Who wants to experience life constantly getting pink-eye from arcade machines anyway? The world is a much better place now that you don’t have to leave the house.”

At press time, Rickman held a funeral for his beloved Clovis in the toilet of the mall novelty t-shirt shop that was once the FYE where they met.

Inspiring! This Man Took Mushrooms, Vowed to Better Himself, and Turned Out Much Worse

Posted on by Jacky Pritchard

Meet Brian Holly, a man whose life took an unexpected turn at a Dave Matthews Band concert. In the concert parking lot, he took mushrooms and experienced what he describes as a profound revelation. “I saw the Universe and the Universe saw me. And, bro, it did not like what it saw,” Holly said. Determined to improve, he decided that taking psychedelic drugs at concerts would become his new identity on his path toward an enlightened life.

Holly went all-in on his new lifestyle, and began experimenting with every psychedelic he could find. “I was a psychonaut, man. I just knew I needed to get even MORE in touch with the Universe by ingesting every compound I came across,” he explains. Unsurprisingly, his life soon began to unravel. “First, my girlfriend left me after I kept telling her that some chemical I couldn’t even pronounce would make her a better person,” Holly recalled.

Then, in a move that stunned his coworkers, Holly quit his job despite it being his only means of support. “They begged me not to quit, but I felt I had a higher calling I needed to pursue. Honestly, it was a pretty cushy gig. I don’t know how I expected to keep buying those DMB tickets from scalpers without that job. ” Holly said, with palpable regret.

With no money, no job, and no girlfriend, Holly fell deeper into his drug-fueled lifestyle. “I couldn’t afford to go to concerts anymore, and what money I could scrape together I just spent on more drugs,” he explained.

Broke, alone, and coming down from a drug-fueled bender, Holly knew his life had to change. “I was listening to the Joe Rogan podcast, and I had this vision. Kermit the Frog was there, and he told me, ‘Brian, you gotta clean your room.’ It blew my mind, it was so profound. I realized at that moment the drugs had led me astray. Instead, I needed to harness the wisdom of podcasters to learn how to live a better life,” he explained. “I’m learning so much from these brilliant minds. I’ve totally turned my life around. Now, instead of drugs, I just drink copious amounts of whiskey, smoke cigars, and listen to podcasts about how to be an Alpha Male.”

Trying to make sense of this radical shift in perspective, a psychologist was consulted to analyze Holly.

“This is a classic case of a man falling victim to the ‘Psychedelia-to-Alt-Right’ pipeline. One minute they’re listening to Joe Rogan talk about DMT, and soon they are full-blown neo-fascists. If Holly continues down his path at this rate, I fear he might end up an even worse person than initially thought possible.”

Custom GWAR Bidet Sprays Fake Blood and Cum

Posted on by Tim Sheard

RICHMOND, Va. — Banished Scumdogs of the Universe and legendary heavy metal band GWAR are reportedly planning on releasing a limited edition custom bidet that spays fake blood and cum, sources close to the band confirmed.

“Why is GWAR selling bidets? Because I want to rip off these ugly loser bohabs who’ll pony up their firstborn for one,” said GWAR manager, Sleazy P. Martini. “I want to make the big bucks, and touring and selling branded merchandise in this economy just isn’t cuttin’ it. Do you know how many tons of crack cocaine these monsters consume daily? Do you know how expensive crack cocaine has gotten because of inflation? Thanks for nothin’ Joe Biden! Anyway, a brainless idiot from some company wanted to make a GWAR-themed bidet for fans who want their asses sprayed with blood and cum after they take a shit.”

Brian Merrill, founder of Butt Day Bidet, says he is thrilled about the partnership with GWAR.

“Our company specializes in making custom, limited-run bidets that serve niche audiences,” said Merrill. “We’re all huge fans of GWAR here at Butt Day. As you know, GWAR showers their audience with fake bodily fluids at their concerts. We wanted to take that idea and run with it! Ultimately, we couldn’t think of a better way to pay homage to this legendary band than making a custom bidet that uses fake blood and…uh…ejaculate. We’re really happy with how everything came out, and think the fans will be, too.”

Metalhead and long-time GWAR fan, Brent De Luca, has seen GWAR countless times and is excited to purchase the bidet when it debuts.

“I’ve been in hundreds of GWAR pits throughout my time following the band,” said the excited De Luca. “I’ve taken full loads to the face from Oderus and Blöthar. I’ve been soaked in the blood of the last seven sitting U.S. presidents. And I’ve been doused in the piss, vomit, and bodily fluids of everyone from Snooki to Pope John Paul II. All those years following the band and not even once have I been blasted in the ass by blood and cum at a GWAR show. The release of this custom bidet means I’ll finally get to live out this dream. Feels great, honestly.”

At press time, GWAR is considering plans to expand its offering of plumbing products next year by releasing a Cuttlefish of Cthulhu showerhead.

Sticker Mule Co-Founder Confesses to Intense Sexual Fantasies About Trump In Mass Email Blast to Customers

Posted on by Kevin Tit

NEW YORK — Anthony Constantino, the co-founder of popular custom sticker maker Sticker Mule, sent a rambling email to all his customers about his bizarre sexual fantasies about former President Trump, weirded-out sources confirmed.

“I want to be transparent with all our customers. That’s why I sent the first email encouraging customers that I support Trump, but that they can also support Biden if they want. However, I realized that wasn’t enough. I needed to let the world know that I often wake up with an erection so hard I think my penis is going to explode all because I had the recurring dream where President Trump sits on my face and calls me a slimeball,” said Constantino. “The kink shaming needs to stop. And I’m hoping my emails help. For this week only you can get a shirt for $4, which is normally $19 because I need to buy some new sheets. I’ve caked my current sheets in cum to the point it feels like I’m sleeping on concrete.”

Former Sticker Mule customer Ashley Clay says she was disgusted by both emails.

“The first email was upsetting, I honestly don’t need to know your politics. Just shut up about it and we are fine, but the second email was over the line. It went on and on about how he didn’t realize how vivid a smell could be in a dream, and then described what his brain thinks a nude, sweaty Trump smells like,” said Clay. “And the drawings, I really wish he didn’t include those sketches of Trump using him as a toilet. I might have to see a hypnotist to try to repress that image because I haven’t been able to eat.”

Ron Rudkin, owner of rival sticker company Graphic Goons, was elated to see the emails from Sticker Mule.

“Best thing that’s ever happened to me. My business has skyrocketed in the past few hours. So far it’s been a lot of punk bands with sticker ideas that would make my mother roll over in her grave, but a sale is a sale,” said Rudkin. “Honestly, I hope the kid sends a third email. Maybe something about how he thinks women’s sports are a waste of time for everyone. Or an email where he talks about how he recently read ‘Mein Kampf’ and he now believes Hitler was a misunderstood artist. If he does that then all my kids are going to private school.”

At press time, Constantino admitted to having a sexual dream about Elon Musk and hopes this doesn’t affect his relationship with former President Trump.

RNC Speaker Says Democrats Better Tone Down Rhetoric Unless They Want to Get Murdered

Posted on by Tim Graham

MILWAUKEE — Prominent businessman, and guest speaker at the Republican National convention, Anthony Winston warned Democrats to tone down their harsh political rhetoric during a divisive election year or they will all be “murdered in the streets like the dogs that they are,” confirmed sources whose voices were hoarse from cheering so loud.

“I see a lot of Democrats in office calling for peace right now, you know who else called for peace? Genghis Khan. Their perfect world involves hoards of maniacs going town to town teaching everyone about slavery and then giving them an abortion,” said a bright-red Winston. “What they don’t realize is we are only pro-life when it comes to beautiful babies. As soon as you vote blue you basically signed your death warrant. So to all the Democrat lawmakers out there heed my warning; stop talking about politics, fall in line, or the streets will run red with your commie blood.”

RNC attendee, and pledged delegate of New Hampshire, Thomas Armstrong was moved to tears by the speech.

“This country is broken right now, everything is way too politicized and I blame the politicians on the left. They keep saying the Supreme Court is eroding democracy as we know it, and it drives me absolutely insane. Whenever they run their mouths I calm myself by going to my gun shed and whispering ‘They will all hear your voice soon, you will speak loud, proud, and make heads explode’ to my assault rifles,” said Armstrong. “It’s just nice to know there are a lot of like-minded people in this room that are willing to kill anyone that disagrees with them.”

Noted political scientist Arman Derian believes this is going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

“Oh yeah, we are totally fucked. I mean not just mildly fucked, I mean bent over, spread open, and then devastatingly rammed. And to make it even worse, moving to Europe is out of the question now, things are only getting worse there too,” said Derian while researching remote Pacific islands. “I’m almost afraid to elaborate because I don’t want to end up on a list when the next Trump Reich starts. But I can say this, enjoy yourself as much as possible in the next few months. Pretend like a doctor just diagnosed you with terminal cancer, go see the world before it’s burned. There was beauty here once.”

At press time, RNC organizers were forced to remind attendees to refrain from masturbating whenever there was a photo of a gun on the big screen.

Gaming the System: Aging Millennial With Three Jobs Eligible for Food Stamps

Posted on by Doug Kolic

OLATHE, Kan. — Local 34-year-old Gareth Tabbler was somehow eligible to receive food stamps despite already having three full-time jobs, according to sources concerned for his well-being.

“Ya boy just hustled the system, y’all!” said Tabbler before collapsing to the ground in the midst of another 80-hour work week. “Who would have ever thought that I’d still be able to get government assistance even though I’m currently blessed with three jobs and an unpaid apprenticeship? I’d better not yell too loud in case someone tries to narc me out after figuring this was likely some kind of mistake. There’s just no way three jobs’ worth of compensation can add up to living below the poverty line, but here we are. I can’t wait to tell my kids that we’ll be able to have two or even three square meals again!”

Tabbler’s coworker Gerry Montgomery was confused by the man’s excitement.

“Gareth’s a good guy, but being able to get food stamps isn’t the flex he thinks it is,” stated Montgomery. “He came into work today bragging about a lifehack he just discovered but the fact that he’s still able to qualify for a government subsidy even after working himself to the bone should be an eye-opener about this depressing economy and certainly nothing to celebrate. It’s definitely not unlocking a cheat code like he thinks he did. But I won’t say anything since he’s having so much fun high-fiving everyone because he can finally afford to get lunch with us.”

Financial expert Tania Nelson explained that everyone, including people in this age group, is feeling the economic pinch.

“It actually isn’t humanly possible for Millennials to take advantage of any governmental or financial system,” Nelson quipped. “Qualifying for food stamps despite working full time, getting their healthcare paid for GoFundMe campaigns, and being able to secure housing by checking into city-run shelters are the best they can hope for. The sad fact is these people are overworked and just trying to survive in an economy working against them. Sorry, I wish I had some ideas on how to fix this problem, but I’ll be honest, there’s really no solution until we burn it all down.”

At press time, Tabbler was able to score free drinking water after he couldn’t pay his utility bill, simply by placing out some jugs to collect his neighbor’s fresh sprinkler runoff.