“The Blair Witch Project” at 25: We Remind Our Idiot Friend That He Insisted It Was Real

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Every friend group has one—the person who, despite all evidence to the contrary, insists on believing the most outrageous things. For us, it’s Greg. And as we celebrate the 25th anniversary of the cultural touchstone “The Blair Witch Project,” we can’t help but reminisce about the time Greg was absolutely convinced the movie was a documentary.

“It is real, man!” Greg declared, eyes wide with a mix of fear and conviction, back in 1999. “I saw it on the internet! But if you look at the footage closely, it’s clear something really happened out there. The way they filmed it, the panic—it’s all too real to be just made up. I’m telling you, the whole thing was supposed to be a secret. The movie isn’t fiction; it’s the real deal!”

Ah, yes. The internet, the final arbiter of truth and reason. Never mind that the filmmakers, cast, and even the town of Burkittsville had gone on record multiple times to clarify that it was all make-believe. Greg was steadfast in his belief, quoting obscure forums and dodgy fan sites as his sources.

“We spent over $100 on theater tickets to see it multiple times just to humor him,” recalls our friend Jessica. “And every time, he pointed out the same ‘proofs’—the shaky camera work, the missing posters, the interviews with locals. It was surreal.”

Greg’s dedication to the “truth” of “The Blair Witch Project” went beyond just multiple viewings. He researched “Blair Witch” lore like it was his job. He’d show up to hang out and have a new tidbit printed off from some random listserv, like how the actors used their real names or how the directors had to pretend that it was a fake documentary or the distributor wouldn’t put it out because the kids died.

“Remember that time we asked him to come camping?” laughs Jessica. “He refused to go into the woods without a GPS, a satellite phone, and enough supplies to survive an apocalypse. He said he didn’t want to be the next Blair Witch victim. It was hilarious and sad at the same time.”

Dr. Christina Harmon, professor of Urban Legends and Folklore at Washington University, provides some insight into Greg’s unwavering belief.

“It’s not uncommon for people to cling to sensational stories, especially when they feel they have uncovered a hidden truth,” Dr. Harmon explained. “In Greg’s case, his insistence that ‘The Blair Witch Project’ was real likely provided a sense of adventure and importance. It’s the same psychological mechanism that drives conspiracy theories and urban legends.”

Despite our best efforts to enlighten Greg over the years, his conviction never wavered. Even when the actors appeared on talk shows, very much alive and discussing their roles, Greg dismissed it as a cover-up.

Finally, sometime after college and the film had dissipated into a pop culture footnote, Greg relented and admitted how silly it was that he believed it was real. But that doesn’t mean we ever let him forget it.

But the best part? Greg absolutely hates how much we bring it up. Every Halloween, every movie night, every casual mention of camping—we never miss an opportunity to remind him.

“Come on, guys, it was 25 years ago,” Greg texted in the group chat as recently as last week, but we just can’t help ourselves. “Let it go already!”

Every birthday and Christmas we get Greg a VHS or DVD copy of the movie, which drives him crazy. Here is hoping they release a 4K version before the holidays. We even threw his bachelor party in Burkittsville, Maryland where it was filmed. We had T-shirts made that said, “I’m a Blair Witch Believer.” He refused to wear it, but the rest of us wore them proudly all weekend.

“Seriously, it’s not funny anymore,” Greg insisted when reached for comment about this article. But it’s tradition now, and I’m sure we will tell his kids all about it when they are old enough. So here’s to 25 more years of “The Blair Witch Project,” and to Greg—our dumb, gullible friend.

Uncle Obsessed with World War II Somehow Blind to Encroaching International Fascism

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

BEND, Ore. — Local amateur historian and occasional beloved family member Paul Poppavich vehemently dismisses news of fascism’s rising international tide, despite an encyclopedic knowledge of World War II history, confirmed sources who didn’t want to sit next to him at dinner.

“Sure, America did a lot for the Allies, but that’s old news. We’ve got to cut off our diplomatic ties. America first!” claimed Poppavich, raising a fist in pain despite a fractured arm from a golf course fall. “When I think about those boys storming the beach in Normandy, my heart swells with pride. But all of this current fake news pouring in from Ukraine, Gaza, and the Congo doesn’t line up with my own research online. All these journalists and historians are paid lefty Communist actors, and that’s a fact. There is absolutely no tie between the vermin Nazi scum we beat in the past, and those cleancut white gentlemen marching out in the street waving the ol’ stars and stripes. You think living under Stalin was scary? I bet the woke mob is right outside my front door!”

The uncle’s niece Lara Poppavich shared discomfort over his mental disconnect.

“You’d think a man versed in international conflict could possibly see what’s on the horizon, especially with Europe shifting to the right, or North Korea and Russia growing closer,” complained the 23-year-old during a smoke break. “For someone that loves celebrating American victories from eight decades ago, Uncle Paul casually flirts with facism every single day. He directs his anger toward immigrants, gun restrictions, and the end of cursive in schools. He thinks journalists should be restricted, and wants to put ‘undesirables in camps’ without ever explicitly stating what that means. It’s a long laundry list of potential targets: he has a thing against people on bikes, celebrities, and Mariners fans. His hatred casts a wide net.”

Liz Trunchpack, director of Oregon’s WWII Heritage Museum, sings the uncle’s praises despite a few hiccups.

“Paul is one of our most impassioned docents and remains a frequently requested tour guide. That is, until current events come up in conversation,” said Trunchpack aboard a decommissioned battleship. “If it’s the past, we’re fine. He’s a terrific translator of history. Just don’t bring up the newscycle and especially the election. I’ve heard him spout the phrase ‘coastal elites’ more than I care to share. After work, I’ve had to ask Paul not to discuss conspiracy theories with guests in the parking lot, and not to stalk them on social media to see who the ‘real Americans’ are. At least he’s no longer recruiting for his raid on the State Library to expose the ‘New World Order.’ That was a whole HR headache for months.”

At press time, Poppavich signed up for a local history group’s WWII reenactment, requesting a position within the Axis powers, specifically the USSR since he “likes Putin’s style.”

Sad: Somebody Matched My Freak and Now We’re Both in State Prison

Posted on by Dom Turek

After years of circling the dating drain pool, I was almost ready to give up and accept my fate as an angry solitary woman who said things like, “Knock it off,” and “Your dog can’t be off leash here,” but as fate would have it, I received a notification from a long-forgotten dating app. An eligible bachelor with the username broken_farts_club thought I was hot and wanted to take me to a craft brewery. “Why not?” I thought. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

As with most first dates, the conversation was strained and uncomfortable, but the awkwardness didn’t stand a chance once the server dropped off our third pitcher of German pilsner.

The sexual tension was palpable and the second he “accidentally” grazed my knee under the table, I knew we were headed for pound town. We decided to drive back to my place despite numerous pleas from the waitstaff and even some concerned customers urging us to “call an Uber.” Don’t they know it’s not considered drunk driving if the beer was brewed locally?

It was such a nice change of pace to be with a guy who wasn’t overly concerned with the law. Just as I was gazing over at him thinking about our future together, a man in the car next to us gave us the middle finger and accused us of “swerving all over the damn road like a couple of assholes.” I’m sorry, but putting your life at risk for a few seconds on the highway is no excuse for that kind of language. Almost as if ruled by telepathy, my new soulmate and I silently agreed to terrorize this man within an inch of his sanity.

I couldn’t believe my eyes when my date pulled out a bag of rotting fruit and other miscellaneous hand-held items from under his seat, because I too had a bag of weapons-adjacent items in my car that I used to commit unwarranted acts of road rage. Laughing maniacally, we reached into the bag and began to pelt the Toyota Camry with a barrage of rotten tomatoes, small rocks, and old take-out containers. Was this love?

We were having the time of our life tailgating the Camry and covering it with debris, but in all our ecstasy, we didn’t realize he’d led us right to the local police station. The gig was up. Turns out when you find somebody to match your freak, you also might find yourself facing up to two years in prison for reckless endangerment, menacing, and harassment.

Taylor Swift Releases Album to Overshadow Friend’s Engagement Announcement

Posted on by Sean Fallon

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Michelle Reynolds was horrified to find her recent engagement announcement completely overshadowed by her friend Taylor Swift intentionally releasing an album on the same day, confirmed uneasy sources.

“I was so excited to show everyone the ring,” said Reynolds, who has been with her fiancee for five years. “The problem was that as soon as I started talking about it, everyone kept changing the subject to Taylor’s new album which conveniently dropped minutes after Jimmy proposed. And you know she’s done this just to take the attention from me. That’s why she called the album ‘Engagement’ and the first single ‘A Wedding That’s Not Mine.’ She also tweeted ‘I do’ followed by a link to the new song. Tay Tay has gone too far this time. I’ll probably still buy the record though.”

Swift acknowledged the coincidental nature of the album’s timing.

“When Michelle said to me that she thought Jimmy was going to propose, I had to get back into the studio,” said Swift from aboard her private jet as she flew to her favorite juice place on the other side of town. “I was just inspired, y’know? Love is such a muse. And no, I didn’t try to spoilt their sweet moment by releasing my most personal album ever as soon as I saw her Instagram announcement. I’m not some kind of narcissist who must always be number one. I just like to make music that stays atop the charts for 365 days a year. I even have an acoustic track ready to go for their potential pregnancy announcement as a nice little companion piece. And anyway, if you criticize me for that kind of thing, you’re a bad feminist.”

Music journalist Matt Munroe has written extensively about Swift’s prior offenses with this kind of thing.

“Whenever another pop star gets the spotlight, Swift appears,” said Munroe. “Charli XCX, Chappell Roan, and Sabrina Carpenter have all seen new albums, special editions, and acoustic tracks released by Swfit to dominate the charts and keep them from the top. Oh, I can see Swift is releasing a track right now to overshadow this interview. It’s literally called ‘Stop Reading and Buy My Records.’ She’s out of control.”

At press time, Swift was happy to report that during the release of Katy Perry’s new album, she can take a holiday as there is nothing to overshadow.

The Top Ten Most Underrated Capitol Records Albums That Aren’t By The Beatles

Posted on by Scott Waldman

While The Fab Four will forever live dormant in the complex paradox vortex Herpes simplex of being both mainstream as it gets by every stretch or measure, and underrated by every portion of your lack of imagination, even their least popular full-length studio album, likely “Yellow Submarine” or “Beatles For Sale” cannot be listed here for legal or notary purposes. Same goes for the mall screamo sensations known as The Beach Boys, and heavy, heavy grindcore icon Katy “Blegh” Perry. However, the ten records that we deem most underappreciated from Capitol Records are. Spoiler alert: SOME are from large bands, but ALL are underrated LPs. “I” may have prevailed much, much more than “static,” but you’re so much more highly evolved than 2017 mainstage Taylor Swift cover bands could ever be, so break down the paper walls and yell till the balloon pops!

Blind Melon “Soup” (1995)

Let’s start with something sad, as things can only go up from here: The alternative rock and children bumblebee communities lost a real one when Blind Melon’s vocalist Shannon Hoon left this earth, and “Soup,” the band’s sophomore full-length studio album, was the band’s last to be released whilst Hoon was a living breathing thing on this earth. While it is nearly impossible for any band to have a sequel that did commercially better than Blind Melon’s breakout debut LP, this one definitely deserved almost as many sales and way, way better reviews. Thankfully it’s more of a grower than a shower, and “Soup” has achieved the fanfare it deserved from the same people that say things like “I don’t really like The Beatles.” Plus, how badass is the album cover? Also, remember hidden tracks that start before an album a la another Capitol Records release called “Losing Streak” by Less Than Jake. If not, we’re boomers, besties.

The F-Ups “Self-Titled” (2004)

Minnesota is for punks, and The F-Ups showed the world that Rochester was also a solid breeding ground for rock acts, despite not being Rochester, New York, home to both the garbage plate and The House of Guitars. It’s quite ballsy for a band to have a cover of a revered song like Mott the Hoople’s “All The Young Dudes,” and it is even riskier for a band to cover a cover that has been covered before in mainstream fashion like World Party did on the “Clueless” soundtrack, but The F-Ups are full of stones. Anyway, The F-Ups’ opening track on this LP, “Lazy Generation,” was featured in several video games, but sadly, the band split two years after their debut LP. Happily, they reunited in 2020, so look at your son now!

Jimmy Eat World “Static Prevails” (1996)

“Clarity” is typically the oldest JEW, yes, JEW album to be namechecked publicly, but “Static Prevails” deserves your time as well for many reasons. First off, “Claire,” track three right here, is a top ten Jimmy Eat World song. Secondly, while he sang lead for less and less JEW songs and records in succession, guitarist Tom Linton got ample vocal lead time to shine on half of the tracks, and his voice provided a counterpart and some diversity to crooner Jim Adkins. Lastly, despite not being in Drop D, it’s the band’s heaviest and most angular album. So pretend that you’re listening to Drive Like Jehu, never stop thinking AT all, and triple the fook out of anything fast or actionable.

Mae “Singularity” (2007)

After two critically and commercially successful full-length efforts, the emo/rock masterpiece, “Destination: Beautiful,” and the ambitiously orchestral, “The Everglow” LPs, for indie Tooth & Nail, Mae was hyped and poised for mainstream success with their major label debut “Singularity.” However, somehow somewhere something and somebody it failed before it ever had a chance, and said stat was catastrophic for Mae causing the band to lose key members and eventually break up. Even though they formed a few years later, the band would never rise to the heights of “The Everglow” and wouldn’t rock as hard as they did on the album’s single “Sometimes I Can’t Make It Alone.” Perhaps the record was too mainstream/Warped Tour for Mae’s “cool” listeners who were neither cool or hot, or possibly, these little twerps scoffed at the sight and thought of said band selling their souls to a major label.

OK Go “Self-Titled” (2002)

OK Go’s music videos involving treadmills, and attention to detail may have gotten more attention than this self-titled release, but their debut self–titled LP is a power-pop/pop-rock masterpiece front to back, and easily our favorite from the band that seemingly quintupled to the quintuple power in fame with their sophomore album, “Oh No,” and particularly via the band’s hit, “Here It Goes Again”. Oh no is literally right on all fronts as this one should’ve gotten way, way more fanfare than it had. What to do? Well the fix is in, as you’re so damn hot, and we want you to travel back to 2002, a much simpler time, and rock out to all twelve tracks one at a time for all flowers, returns, and white uncolored automobiles.

Relient K “Five Score and Seven Years Ago” (2007)

“Five Score and Seven Years Ago” is Relient K’s best overall body of work. You think that all of its predecessors and its immediate sequel are all superior in every way, shape, or form: Well, crayons can melt on you for all we care over your deathbed of devastation and lack of reform. Sadly, while this LP had a solid debut week, it didn’t reach the heights of its prior album “Mmhmm,” thus becoming the band’s second of two full-length studio albums for Capitol Records; the buying and PureVolume streaming public must have done something wrong. Fun fact: One of the main reasons that this album is easily their best produced effort is because the band actually had a pre-production budget; what the hell is a record budget anyway?

Skeleton Key “Fantastic Spikes Through Balloon” (1997)

Easily the most underrated full-length studio album listed here, despite being nominated but not winning a Grammy Award for its, wait for it, wait for it, uniquely and pristinely designed artwork, and if you want more proof, try to find Skeleton Key’s “Fantastic Spikes Through Balloon” on DSPs. Fun fact: you likely remember MTV’s non-hit show “Oddville, MTV,” and if you aren’t, you’re just weird in another way that is too weird to mention. Regardless, go on YouTube and watch the band’s WTF performance. Done? Sweet. Now watch blink-182’s, Wild Orchid’s (a girl group featuring a young Fergie years before she became Fergalicious with The Black Eyed Peas), Descendents’ and more in the digital rabbit hole. Cool? Sweet. So, dear reader, don’t nod off just yet so you can desperately watch the fat man swing… Scratch that as the needle never ends!

Smoking Popes “Born to Quit” (1994)

Bayside, Mike Park, your elderly cousin who still lives with his stepmom, and Alkaline Trio love this band like a milkshake, so why shouldn’t you? This Smoking Popes entry is interesting in a non-ugly painting way, as this album, “Born to Quit,” was big enough for the band NOT to get dropped, but not large enough to be mainstream. C’est la vie! Smoking Popes released one more full-length studio album for Capitol Records after this sleeper and realized that their major label party was over. Why didn’t the three Caterer brothers become pop stars like the three gents in Hanson? We gotta know right now as we can’t help the teardrops from getting cried. In closing, take a gander at this album cover, which thirty years later in the present year could NEVER be created via a major label release.

The Vines “Winning Days” (2004)

The Vines’ debut full-length studio record “Highly Evolved” righteously swam successfully in the “garage rock” Big Four portion of the early-aughts wherein each band had a “The” in the beginning and something pluralized like “White Stripes,” “Hives,” and “Strokes.” However, its less grungy but still catchy sequel “Winning Days” may have had success in an Apple commercial, which ain’t a bad thing, but we don’t recall too many people stateside singing its praises. So drown the Baptists, burn the Westboro Baptist Church, look into the life/sterling career of John the Baptist, and hail Satan towards Sydney, Australia’s The Vines… and if you have time, which we believe that you do as you’re reading this, ride with the five follow-up LPs to “Winning Days”.

Yellowcard “Paper Walls” (2007)

Dear Bobbie, in a perfect world, this particular record would have been the follow-up to Yellowcard’s breakout and Radio Disney approved LP, “Ocean Avenue,” and the band’s best release (you know we’re right) “Lights and Sounds” would have been Capitol Records’ third Yellowcard album, but sadly that was not the case. We know that you know as well as we do that this world is far from perfect, so our shadows and regrets will forever darken the sky and cut Mick Jagger with a plastic fork. “Paper Walls” likely fell under your radar for more reasons than its meh single “Light Up The Sky,” and you need to remedy that stat! Honestly, approximately half of the record’s songs would’ve been better as highlight tracks, but you didn’t hear it from us. The band took a hiatus after this one, and made an incredible comeback before disbanding and reforming again!

Heartwarming: This Atheist Mother Makes up for Her Children’s Lack of Religious Trauma by Doubling up on Regular Trauma

Posted on by Livy Berry

This week we sat down with a mother who has gone out of her way to make sure her children feel included. Cathy Ackerson, a true hero, bravely admits that, as an atheist, she cannot provide the religious trauma that so many of us will have to carry our whole lives. Out of the goodness of her heart, Cathy has been working overtime to expose her children to as much secular trauma as possible to combat this tragic deficiency.

“I grew up in the church, and while I am no longer religious, I do regret that my children will be missing out on some of those experiences I had growing up. My husband and I decided a long time ago that this was unacceptable, so I’m doing whatever I can for my little angels.” Cathy admits she will sometimes wait for her daughters to come home to pick deep, personal fights with her husband in the hopes that it’s enough to create long term effects. “If I can cause a fear of abandonment strong enough to affect their relationships even deep into adulthood, I will consider that a job well done.”

Wow! Truly a commitment that is rare to find today. With all of today’s distractions, it can be easy to let certain experiences slip by. Being an active parent really makes all the difference, and Cathy’s dedication to her children has not gone unnoticed.

“She really does everything for us!” said Cathy’s eldest daughter Virginia. “She knows all my friends are constantly told that their morality lies within their virginity, and though she can’t provide that exact lifelong trauma, she makes sure to mention every single day that I’ll never find a man to love me if I don’t do something about my weight. And she scares my youngest brother away from pornography by telling him if he watches it the house will burn down with him trapped inside.”

Child psychologist Alan Sterling lends us his point of view, noting the rise in non-religious households.

“More and more families are raising their children without religion, and this is leaving them with a huge absence of religious emotional damage,” said Sterling. “The act of trying to make up for that absence with whatever resources you have really shows your child how much you care. And research show kids need this sort of trauma in order to build character, a society full of well-adjusted adults could never work.”

If only there were more parents with such a passion! We hope this story may inspire non-religious families everywhere to really step up and go the extra mile for the people you love most. Take Cathy’s advice, call your beautiful child a slut today!

Tourists Flock to City Lake for Summertime Chemical Garbage Blooms

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

LISTERVILLE, Calif. — Tourists from across various southern California locales flocked to the sleepy town of Listerville outside of the Sequioa National Forest to witness the annual chemical garbage blooms emitting from Edendale Lake.

“We have photographers, TikTokers, podcasters, all sorts down here enjoying the fresh oil slick rainbows swirling atop our public ponds,” claimed Chuck Runyon, Director of the Department of Parks and Recreation. “Kids just love finding patterns in the poisoned algae. Plus, we’re introducing Trashy the mascot this year, a walking huggable garbage friend for tykes, made entirely out of repurposed vape cartridges. Tons to see here: we have a biology lab set up for grad students studying new bacterial life, also set up to examine the carnivorous plants swallowing up our bird population. Unfortunately, we’re unable to secure any food truck service due to the ‘7 o’clock stench.’ When the sun hits the water, this neighborhood experiences a mass hallucination.”

Pollutant enthusiast Laurel Pierce drove over 100 miles to see the chemical blooms in person.

“It’s like Burning Man, but much smaller, in a public park and with the worst smell you’ve ever encountered, riper than a forest wook,” said Pierce through her industrial-grade gas mask. “Nabbed parking, claimed a lawn spot at 6 am and have been here all day with my beach chair. Gonna get some high-res photos of the psychedelic swirls forming on the surface. If I can get up to the pipe where the runoff sludges into the water, I might capture ‘Heaven’s Stinky Trail,’ the local nickname for green smoke emanating out of the lake. Only happens at certain times of day. Can’t spend too much money out here, I’m really saving up to row out to the Great Pacific Garbage Patch–I hear the way the sunset reflects off the plastic out there is beautiful, man.”

However, not all are fans of the tourist hordes, including nearby resident Frank K. McSpahn.

“They come here and throw their own trash into the river, thinking it’ll add to the kaleidoscopic swirls,” complained McSpahn in front of his blocked driveway. “These folks come for a weekend, but we’re the ones left with the constant fires springing up from the water, the toxic bubbling springs, the 24/7 smell. Hell, these tourist greenhorns will even rent and paddle those swan boats out on the lake, when any local knows you need a hazmat suit. One time I saw a kid swimming in the lake. I remember yelling, ‘Get him out! It’s not safe!’ Next summer, I thought the family adopted a golden-doodle in their grief, but it was the same boy!”

At press time, the Tourism Board is considering the installation of lakeside bungalows along the shore, compatible with a fumigation tent to prevent skin-rot from exposure to the lake.

Opinion: I’m Not Like the Other Managers at This Hedge Fund, I Listen to Metallica

Posted on by Eric Degliomini

Whenever I meet someone else who works in finance, they’re quick to admire my nice clothes, six-figure salary, and ability to make women test how long they can listen to unsolicited financial advice in exchange for free drinks. They think I’m like them, but when they find out this hedge fund manager is also a bonafide crazy Metallica fan, it breaks their brain.

When I’m investing a billionaire’s earnings into a private equity firm that’s decreasing the quality of most consumer products to gain short term growth before selling or bankrupting a previously reputable company, you know that I’m getting in the zone with a little “Seek and Destroy.” The employees at my firm are all into teeny bopper music like Britney Spears or Justin Bieber. Shit that blares on every other lamestream radio station plays 24/7. Not me, I’ve got “For Whom The Bell Tolls” cranking on my $400 Bose headphones as I hand HR another list of employees getting laid off this fiscal quarter.

My journey with the band goes all the way back to their underground days with “St. Anger.” When I watched the scene in “Some Kind of Monster ” where Lars auctions his Basquiat for five million dollars, I knew these guys weren’t just an incredible hard rock band, but a group of guys with an astute investment portfolio. No other band has the business acumen to get a concert in Fortnite, distill their own brand of premium whisky, or perform with toy instruments on Jimmy Fallon. It’s the kind of sensibility that inspires me as I figure out the best defense contractor to put a corrupt politician’s embezzled campaign funds into.

My life may look perfect, but it’s not easy being the black sheep of the company. Sure I join the partners on the P.J. over to Europe, but when they go to hit the beaches, I’m off spending two nights in the $2000 VIP Snake Pit. Casual Friday to the other managers at the firm might mean a polo shirt or khakis, but to me, it’s an $80 Metallica tour shirt that I picked up in the priority merch booth. One of our interns mentioned she thought of me after hearing St. Vincent’s “Sad But True” cover, but I doubt she can become a real fan of Metallica getting into them that way.

Buckcherry Wonders If They Suck Too Much or Not Enough for Ironic Nostalgia

Posted on by Jacky Pritchard

BOONVILLE, N.Y. — Frequently ridiculed rock band Buckcherry were curious if they were disparaged too much or not enough in the past 25 years to be included in the ironic nostalgia bucket, with the likes of Creed and Limp Bizkit, confirmed sources who were wondering themselves.

“Limp Bizkit is playing Lollapalooza to thousands of screaming fans; Creed had their own cruise and is headlining a national tour. Yet here I am, singing ‘I love the cocaine’ in a pavilion next to the Merry-Go-Round at the County Fair,” said Buckcherry singer Josh Todd while waiting in line for deep fried Oreos. “I’ve come to terms with the fact that people think we suck on a national and global scale, but maybe we don’t suck as much as they do? Or… Oh, God, do they think we suck worse? I don’t understand how much suck is too much suck to be adored.”

The lack of paradoxical nostalgia for Buckcherry is palpable at social gatherings across the country, where their absence from playlists speaks volumes.

“We were at George’s parents’ lakehouse having a boys’ night, jamming out to an ironic playlist,” said 35-year-old Jeb Kerry. “The mood was great after two of my selections played: ‘Voodoo’ by Godsmack and ‘All-Star’ by Smash Mouth. Then Preston puts on ‘Crazy Bitch.’ The vibe just died. Everyone felt… uncomfortable. Even Preston apologized for going too far as he left and called his wife crying. He’s out of the friend group as far as I’m concerned.”

Recent academic studies may provide insight into why this trend appears to be skipping over bands such as Buckcherry.

“It’s easy to be nostalgic for bands that don’t suck too much,” said Dr. Melissa D. Jackson, a Music History Ph.D and substitute elementary school teacher. “Some of their music rocks, and it’s tied to significant moments in your life. Bands like Nickelback and Papa Roach—they suck, sure, but you can laugh at how you used to think they were good bands. However, some bands cross a threshold on my theorized ‘suck-axis’ where it’s no longer funny. Their music causes visceral disgust. According to my peer-reviewed metrics, Buckcherry ranks well beyond this threshold on the suck-axis, landing just shy of Insane Clown Posse and Kid Rock. This renders Buckcherry far too terrible for any ironic resurgence.”

At press time, Todd was reportedly banned from TikTok for creating fake accounts to comment “it would be funny if we all started ironically streaming Buckcherry, too” under videos of Creed.

Startling New Report Reveals Average JoAnn Fabrics Customer More Anarchist Than Anyone at Punk Show

Posted on by John Danek

CHARLESTON, S.C. — A new study by the College of Charleston confirms that the majority of shoppers at JoAnn Fabrics espouse stronger and more tangible anarchist ideals than anyone attending modern punk shows, unsurprised customers confirmed.

“Oh honey, I would much rather make winter fleeces for my granddaughters than support some big corporation with their sweatshops and tax write-offs!” stated June Pulaski, founder of the local Stitch, Bitch, n’ Kill Fascists Club. “And as for those children who go to those punk rock and roll shows, they should listen to some Lawrence Welk. Now he was a real musician! Though, to be fair, I also find myself tapping my toes to that new Knocked Loose album from time to time.”

Local Charleston punks dispute the claims about their community found in the college’s research.

“Oh bullshit, I’m more anarchist than those nerds will ever know— it even says so on this battle jacket I got from Urban Outfitters,” said Jared Reed, whose mother bought the jacket for his fifteenth and a half birthday. “You gotta look the part, or else people won’t know how punk you are. Hell, I almost lost my voice last night singing along to songs about ‘revolution’ and ‘rising up.’ I just can’t wait for all these bands to tell me specifically what to rise up against. Those old bags at the craft store are just a bunch of fascist Karens, I think.”

Those who conducted the study commented on the apparent dichotomy between the punk community and those actually putting anti-authoritarian theories into practice.

“All those kids dressing up and going to shows are posers, at least in the political science sense,” explained Professor Dante Clyburn, head researcher in the College of Charleston’s political science department. “They generally serve the benefit of oppressive systems such as capitalism and colonialism, with their unbridled consumerism and rehashed riffs. People who make their own clothes, grow their own food, and support each other in other ways weaken those systems in their immediate sphere. Our study found that a Singer sewing machine is more punk than a Marshall half-stack will ever be. But not all craft stores are created equal: to no one’s surprise, we found that Hobby Lobby shoppers are overwhelmingly Christofascists.”

At press time, an anonymous whistleblower leaked information confirming that the FBI has been tracking Joann Smiles rewards users for anti-American operations since the mid-1950s.