How To Accept That Your Previous Rock Bottom Is Very Much the New Baseline

Posted on by Alec Walker

Are you someone who thinks your life can’t get any worse? Did you hijack a parade float and drive it 120 on the highway, then do it again the moment you posted bail? Me neither, unless a jury of my peers says otherwise.

Don’t change your behavior, change your mindset. Life becomes much simpler once you realize this is just who you are, which is why I’m at a payphone dictating this article to my parole officer to tell you how to accept your new life as a bottom feeder.

Tip #1 – Refuse any help offered to you

It doesn’t matter if they’re offering to pay for a state-of-the-art rehab facility and have an easy, fake job lined up for you at your uncle’s dealership afterward. Be more defensive and furious the more sincere an offer is. You can’t accept your new low-life status if you’re always trying to get better! Also, trying is a lame activity for finance bros and mothers. Watch Family Guy now, be introspective later (a.k.a. never.)

Tip #2 – Scream at families walking past you on the street

You’re garbage, and you know that now. But do other people know that? Being open about your worthlessness will work wonders to help you accept yourself as a cave-dwelling reprobate. Get right up in a middle-class family’s face and show those kids you aren’t ashamed of your failures, or the fact that your testicles are poking through a hole in your dumpster-dived True Religion jeans!

Tip #3 – Fully deck out a 1996 Mitsubishi Eclipse

Having something to work on can take your mind off the many, many horrors in your life. There’s no better way to distract yourself while also signaling to everyone around you that you’ve accepted mediocrity than to put a spoiler on a car with flat tires and no hubcaps. Stare at the flame decals and be proud that they’re only a little crooked. Soak in its pathetic beauty before it’s inevitably stolen by an equally depraved lunatic or repossessed.

Tip #4 – Lower your expectations

Your parents always wanted you to become a doctor or a lawyer. That’s a high standard bound to end in disappointment, so set the expectation that you’ll wind up beneath an underpass sniffing around for some stray cat nookie! That way, it won’t feel so bad when all that ends up happening is you jerk it to a half-eaten Pizza Hut signature pan pizza because the wastefulness creates the fantasy of opulence in your perverted little mind.

Tip #5 – Pay me fifty dollars right now

Lastly, the best, most effective, foolproof, airtight strategy to become content with your pathetic circumstances is by going on Venmo and sending me fifty dollars. I don’t know why it works, but it does. Trust the process. Do you want my advice to work or not? Exactly. So, send me a crisp, digital Ulysses S. Grant, and you’ll be cool or hot or rich or whatever I said earlier.

There you have it! The perfect five step plan. Oh, by the way, my Venmo is LmaooooYouJustGotSwindledDumbass

Ancestry Report Reveals Henry Rollins Over 20% Thwomp

Posted on by Chris Bowen

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A recent ancestry report revealed that a small portion of hardcore legend Henry Rollins’ DNA could be traced back to a species of permanently angry, spike-encrusted stone creatures known as Thwomps, several Koopa Troopa sources report.

“Given their primal urge to constantly want to squash things, their signature scowl, and rock-hard body, I can’t say that I’m completely surprised by this revelation,” Rollins explained while looking at a Google image of a Thwomp in between checking himself out in the mirror to see the resemblance. “All those years in the early scene when I would drop my head directly onto people and crush them to death just as they were approaching me, it all makes sense now. I can completely relate to their DIY smashing ethics.”

A Thwomp who has been living in the Mushroom Kingdom since the early days says he’s thrilled to share some heritage with the hardcore legend.

“This kingdom used to have a pretty lively hardcore scene back in the day before they built that one Whole Foods that ruined everything. Me and some other Thwomps used to play in a band here called Speed Run and we were heavily influenced by the southern California hardcore scene in the ‘80s,” the cube-shaped spiked rock explained. “I haven’t played music in a couple years, but it would be sick if Henry came to visit Bowser’s Castle and we can jam or just pulverize shit in our immediate vicinity. That would rule.”

Host of the PBS show “Finding Your Roots” Louis Gates Jr. has come across several musicians who were surprised to share links to some video game characters.

“Shockingly, punk and hardcore musicians almost always share at least a small amount of DNA with characters from classic video games,” Gates Jr. said. “When we traced Harley Flanagan’s ancestry, it turns out he’s nearly 100% Battletoad. He was so thrilled that he tried fighting our entire production crew because of it! Also, the singer from Harm’s Way’s lineage traces back to the blond guy from ‘Contra.’ That’s why he’s so proficient at wielding an assault rifle on stage and being muscley as hell. You just never know what an ancestry report may uncover.”

At press time, Rollins was already planning a speaking event inside Bowser’s castle, which a Thwomp instantly regretted organizing after hearing some of his spoken word albums.

RFK Jr. Reminds Voters He Also Keeps a Monkey With a Handgun on His Nightstand For Self Defense If They Wanna Hear About That

Posted on by Matt Husser

NEW YORK — Independent Presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reminded voters that he also keeps a monkey with a gun next to his bed for self-defense if they’re interested in that story since they seemed to love the one about dumping a bear carcass in Central Park, confused sources confirmed.

“So there I was in the Amazon rainforest when I saw the most virile monkey I had ever seen, this thing had such a huge penis and he was playing with it like it was a guitar. I knew I had to adopt it as my bodyguard and valet. I traded this shrunken head I had plundered from a tomb for the monkey and trained him in the art of marksmanship and Filipino stick fighting. Ever since that day, RFK Jr. Jr. has watched over me, vigilantly perched on my nightstand,” said Kennedy Jr., handing the monkey a box of bullets. “Night after night, the political establishment sends their deep state assassins to silence me, but RFK Jr. Jr. is always there to protect me. Anyways, that’s why we must expand 2nd amendment rights to all New World primates as well. Hey let me get an apple, you gotta see him shoot it off the top of my head!”

Local school teacher Paula Clarke was reportedly confused why the Presidential hopeful thought that was an appropriate story to tell to her 4th grade class.

“When his campaign manager said he wanted to visit the school and speak to my students I thought he was going to talk about what a President does, not tell them about how his monkey once bit the testicles off a Laotian drug lord over gambling debts,” said Clarke, consoling a crying student. “And I don’t care if it was ‘in self defense’, I’ve been getting calls all day from parents who say their kids are afraid that RFK Jr. Jr. is going to shoot their family and eat their faces while they’re sleeping!”

RFK Jr. supporter Ned Blomkvist says his support for the presidential hopeful is growing with each bizarre anecdote he tells.

“This is why this country needs a bold leader like Robert F. Kennedy Jr., he’s the only candidate out there with the balls to tackle the issues that no one else will, like monkey armament and ghost suffrage,” said Blomkvist, shouting into a megaphone. “And of course both sides of the political aisle are rushing to misrepresent this inspiring story for their own gain. You say he illegally smuggled a monkey out of the Amazon and trained it to shoot a gun, I say he’s well-traveled, is a 2nd amendment advocate, and an equal opportunity job creator. Personally, I think it’s pretty damning that Vice President Harris has yet to appoint a single exotic animal to a campaign position.”

Not to be one-upped, Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump announced he has imported a collection of rare monkeys and will display them as soon as they’re plated in gold.

City Builds Statue of Homeless Man Sleeping On Bench to Keep Homeless From Sleeping on Bench

Posted on by Josh Baumgart

AUSTIN, Texas — The Austin city government placed a bronze statue of a homeless man sleeping on a bench in an effort to raise awareness about the housing crisis and keep unhoused people from sleeping on the bench, confirmed baffled sources.

“These monuments depict the struggle of homelessness and serve as a reminder that we’ve got people out here sleeping on the streets. Just not this bench, on this particular street, because I happen to live right next to this park and I use this bench to play Wordle when my wife is being mean to me. It’s my escape,” said Alderperson Quincy Douglas “We’re also outlawing panhandling and providing QR codes that people can donate to help the homeless. All donations will go through the proper bureaucratic channels, be taxed as income, and ensure efficient delivery of funds directly benefiting the unhoused, like hiring more police.”

Local congregations applauded the city’s action, with some clergymen promising to match the efforts.

“We think this statue is a beautiful gesture and we love it so much that we’re going to do a similar dedication with the church steps,” said Pastor Walter Moss. “Our plan is to add dedicative spikes on the church steps to symbolize how hard and painful it is to experience homelessness. We’re also hosting a barbeque to raise awareness for the issue. Proceeds from each rack of ribs sold will go directly to the church so that we can more effectively make people aware that there are people that are homeless.”

Local citizens were convinced they were also helping the unhoused community.

“I do my part by using people-first language and donating money to the artist that creates the statue to raise awareness,” said concerned citizen Kyle Grey. “Another thing I like to do is film myself going around town and giving iPads to people living in their cars or encampments. I pretend that I’m homeless myself and I ask them for money. When they try to help, I say ‘psych’ and I give them an iPad. That’s really got my TikTok popping off and I’m hoping to transition to world travel videos in undeveloped nations soon. You know, do the same thing in like, Mozambique.”

At press time, the city announced plans to build a memorial iron tent city under the bridge to commemorate the people that lived there prior to the police’s sweep.

How I Pioneered a New Genre by Being Bad at Playing My Favorite Genre

Posted on by Matt McInerney

I can remember hearing “Revolver” for the first time. I stole my dad’s guitar off the wall and tried to play along. He walked by and asked, “Is that The Monkees?” I’ve always wanted to play like my heroes. I just never could.

I started my first band in middle school. All we wanted to do was play sick Clapton licks. And we kind of did—at quarter speed. I figured I’d speed it up eventually, but by the time our first show arrived, still no luck. Instead, we just cranked our gain to ten so no one could tell what we were playing. As a slow, sludgy sound rang through the room, not a soul knew it was a cover. Not even a young Tony Iommi who stood in the back, wide-eyed.

I played in dozens of rock bands in the decades to follow but eventually, I moved on to a jazz quartet. I should have known four arrhythmic white guys wasn’t a great idea. Every practice was a cacophony of random time signatures and abrupt tempo changes. One day I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I started screaming over the noise. As I shouted, a man wandered by our space. “What do you call this new sound?” he asked. I didn’t have an answer. “It’s like nothing I’ve ever heard. Can you even count to four? You had math in your core curriculum, right? Hey, that’s got a ring to it. Anyway, my name’s Marvin.” He rushed to a payphone to call his cousin Chuck Dillinger to tell him about this ‘mathcore.’

We had a good run, but I got tired of failing so publicly. Eventually, I gave up bands altogether and began my ambient solo career. I figured my first show would be easy—just play MP3s from my laptop. What could go wrong? I plugged in my MacBook, but I couldn’t stop it from buzzing through the sound system. As the volume went up, I froze as the harsh wall of noise washed over the audience. I just wanted to hide my face. And yet, somehow people liked it. So they just kept booking me.

It’s still embarrassing, so I’ve started wearing a bag over my head. Even the audience started doing it too. You’d think eventually I’d figure out the USB cables, but no luck yet. At least ticket sales aren’t bad.

Metalhead Asks if He Can Change Into Morbid Angel Shirt Before Taking Mugshot

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CLEARWATER, Fla. — Local metalhead Rickey Ray Reynolds asked officers if he could change into his favorite Morbid Angel t-shirt before his mugshot was taken after being arrested for public intoxication, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest late Saturday night, police records report.

“It’s not every day you get a professional photo taken that’s going to be plastered all over the newspapers. Every time I was arrested before this I was either shirtless or my shirt got shredded in the scuffle,” said Reynolds, brushing out his long hair in the cramped police station’s booking area. “This time I am going to make it count. I want to showcase my real self and make sure my mugshot screams ‘metal’ and not some poser that got arrested for tax evasion or some shit. After all, how often do you get a chance to immortalize yourself in the pages of history with your favorite band shirt?!”

Sargent Rick Copeland, Reynolds’ arresting officer, remarked on the peculiar request.

“Honestly, I’ve never seen someone so excited about getting their mugshot and I live in Florida,” Copeland said after driving Reynolds to his apartment to retrieve the shirt. “He kept talking about how Morbid Angel might see the photo and be impressed. We actually indulged him because this was his third strike, so he won’t be getting another mugshot taken for quite some time. But now he’s taking forever because he can’t decide between his ‘Blessed Are the Sick’ album shirt or his ‘American Heretic’ Tour shirt.”

Dr. Ellen Fairfax, a fashion expert and connoisseur of personal expression, weighed in on the importance of incorporating personality into one’s attire.

“It’s crucial to infuse your fashion choices with your personality, especially when others will be scrutinizing the outcome – no matter how dire the situation,” Dr. Fairfax explained. “Everyone remembers David Bowie’s glamorously chic mugshot from 1976, no one even remembers why he was arrested. Reynolds’ decision to rock a Morbid Angel shirt in his mugshot is a bold statement. In the realm of personal branding, even a mugshot can be an opportunity to express yourself.”

As of press time, Reynolds had managed to sneak his beloved Morbid Angel shirt into prison and now wears it under his orange coveralls.

The Rolling Stones Add Baby to Band to Bring Down Average Age

Posted on by Tim Graham

LONDON — The Rolling Stones announced the addition of an 18-month old baby in a bid to lower the average age of the band’s members, according to starstruck infants who attended preschool with the newest Stone.

“Keith and I are both 80, and Ronnie, the previous ‘new kid’ is 77,” said frontman Mick Jagger while nearly being toppled by a light breeze. “There’s been some grousing about people not wanting to see a band whose members are as, let’s say, mature as us, so we brought in baby Nigel. Now our average age is about 59, and we feel younger already! Also, it doesn’t hurt that the birds are so infatuated with him. They line up and beg to meet Nige after the show. It’s been a while since any women under 60 have tried to get backstage.”

Lifelong fan Kip Dittman thinks the new member adds some much-needed vitality to the venerable band.

“I’ve been listening to the Stones since I was a kid,” said Dittman as he freshened his gin and Metamucil. “I think bringing some new blood into the group is a good idea. The guys are definitely slowing down, but just like every old person, they perk right up when a baby comes ‘round. I heard Nigel’s contract requires concerts to end by 7:00 p.m., which is just fine with me. That means I’ll be able to catch the new ‘Taskmaster’ after next week’s show if traffic is light.”

Rock journalist Penelope Rogers says this is just another in a long line of stunts that elderly bands pull in an attempt to remain relevant.

“I’ve seen a lot of desperate moves by aging bands, but this takes the cake,” said Rogers. “It’s typical for bands to perform their songs tuned down a step or two to compensate for an older singer’s diminished vocal range. Or, in the case of Iron Maiden, they pump the stage so full of fog you can barely see the band, much less how withered and frail they are. Once I saw Iggy Pop and I swear he was using binder clips on his back to pull his sagging skin tight…but a baby, really?”

At press time, Darryl Jones, the Stones’ nearly anonymous bassist since 1993, had been asked if all the attention baby Nigel was getting bothered him, stating “I don’t give a fuck as long as the checks keep coming.”

I’m My Own Worst Enemy Too but I Guess a Song About Cheese Induced IBS Doesn’t Hit as Hard as Drunk Driving and Calling Your Girl a Bitch

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

Dear Lit,

Yeah, it’s pretty easy to write a hit rock song about self-sabotage that lights up an entire generation when you’re cool, isn’t it? But when you were busy making millions singing about parking your car on the lawn and screaming at some poor woman, did you ever think about people like me? What about the everyman or woman who engages in daily self-sabotage? Are there to be no groupies for us? No adoring fans for self-hating losers? No panties thrown at our be-Croc’ed feet? I say enough is enough.

I say, nay, decree that it isn’t any less bad-ass that I eat an entire pizza without taking dairy pills, knowing full well I’ll be hot boxing my bedroom with my own farts all night and barely sleep a wink. You can’t put that to a catchy guitar riff? I call that a skill issue. My skill issue, sure, but still. What about how I only put 20 minutes in the meter knowing the doctor’s office isn’t even going to call me back there for another 30? That sounds pretty hard to me. Or try this: I called my mom when I already knew she was having a bad day. Talk about masochistic! But you’re trying to tell me I can’t seduce a woman who ignores red flags with a chorus about any of that?

My blatant disregard for myself is no less rock n’ roll just because I don’t have spikey frosted tips. We’re not all lucky enough to be alcoholics in an abusive relationship, okay?

I work hard to ruin my life every day in every conceivable way and I deserve to sell out a stadium! And trust me, I’ve tried! They do not like that I keep calling! But I will not stop trying! I won’t stop starting shit with people on Instagram and ruining my entire day, and I won’t stop writing songs about it and sending the lyrics to managers begging them to take me on! I refuse to be silenced by your shittier-than-thou attitude or by any venue’s cease-and-desist letters! My liver may be intact and I may have a spotless driving record, but I am a piece of crap, too, dammit, and I deserve to be respected as such!

STUDY: Fuck It, Scrolling on Your Phone Before Bed Actually Good For You

Posted on by Malia Simon

BOSTON – Researchers at Harvard University studying the negative effects of phone usage before bed concluded that nothing fucking matters and you should do whatever you want if you it makes you feel good.

“Honestly, at this point, who cares?” explained Harvard neuropsychologist Dr. Melissa Claremont. “We know you’re not reading those articles on circadian rhythms. So fuck it, here’s a ‘study’ that just lets you do what you were going to do anyway. For our method, we basically took two groups, experimental and control, and told them both to just do whatever they want since we only have about 35 liveable years left on this planet. So far we haven’t noticed any major differences between the two groups, but to be fair that’s mostly because none of us really give a shit anymore.”

Study participant Jeremiah Mosley reports on his experience as being part of the experimental group.

“It was great,” Mosley said. “Finally, a scientific study that’s just about living in the moment and enjoying yourself. I had a feeling all that ‘blue light causes severe sleep deprivation’ stuff was just a scam by Big Science to bum us all out. I was able to catch up on so much Tik Tok I somehow ended up on UFC queer theories. Cool shit. In general, I feel healthy as ever. I’ve been meaning to mail a thank you card to the researchers, but it’s a little hard to get to the Post Office since I only sleep during daylight hours.”

Still, others question the validity of the study.

“It goes against the mountains of evidence to suggest that the phone’s blue light actually causes damage to our moods, our sleep patterns, and our ability to focus and stay alert,” said psychologist Dr. Linda Hoffman. “This study perpetuates a dangerous complacency with the pervasiveness of screens in our everyday life—”

Unfortunately, Dr. Hoffman’s interview was cut short due to loud booing and fart noises coming from her colleagues in the lab.

At press time, Clavicle’s team was working on a study suggesting that an attention span of 25 seconds is actually a sign of intelligence and not a threat to either brain chemistry or society on the whole.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Judging Olympic Athletes From Our Couch

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another summer is passing you by. You’ve made and canceled plans, talked about going on grand trips that will never happen, and promised to listen to tons of new music that you had no intention of actually hearing. It’s time to put an end to this standstill. You deserve to blossom before winter comes and you start using that as an excuse to do nothing. Here are six new songs that you should probably play on a Bluetooth speaker outside. We’re worried about you.

Opeth ‘§1’

Opeth announced their 14th album, ‘The Last Will & Testament.’ Notably, the album will feature several contributions from Jethro Tull frontman Ian Anderson, which is basically the prog-rock equivalent of taking the gold in every Olympic event. Along with the announcement, they’ve released a condensed version of album opener ‘§1.’ We’re sure the album version is probably at least 30 minutes long, so we’re happy to have the Cliffs Notes here.

Better Lovers ‘A White Horse Covered In Blood’

Awww shiiiiiiit, y’all. Better Lovers is back, and as if you needed to ask, they still fucking shred. After an EP that nearly killed everyone in our office, the band announced their debut LP, ‘Highly Irresponsible,’ which we’re sure will finish the job. Their latest single, ‘A White Horse Covered In Blood’ is such an absolute assault that we’ve been working from home all week out of fear for our wellbeing.

Evergreen Terrace ‘Jail On Christmas’

If you noticed your Hot Topic stock suddenly on the rise, it’s probably because metalcore vets Evergreen Terrace released their first single in over a decade. ‘Jail On Christmas’ manages to shove everything you loved about the early aughts – except for your shitty ex – into a crisp minute and a half – which we guess could be reminiscent of your shitty ex too.

Guided By Voices ‘I Am A Scientist (30th Anniversary Edition)’

Dayton Ohio’s lo-fi DIY legends are celebrating the 30th anniversary of their breakthrough LP ‘Bee Thousand’ this year, which somehow feels like it simultaneously came out yesterday and at the dawn of time. To mark the occasion, the band recorded some higher def versions of two of the album’s most notable tracks. The first, and arguably one of the band’s most well known, ‘I Am A Scientist’ is out now with a sheen that matches the intensity of GBV’s live shows.

Iron & Wine ‘Never Meant (American Football Cover)’

Earlier this month, American Football set the emo world ablaze by sharing a cryptic sound bite with the caption ‘track one.’ While many were hoping it was a sign of new music, the band was actually sharing a snippet of Iron & Wine’s version of ‘Never Meant.’ The cover is set to appear alongside a slew of others honoring the 25th anniversary of the band’s genre defying debut LP. While we are sad to not have new AF in our lives, this cover will have to suffice.

Snail Mail ‘Tonight, Tonight (Smashing Pumpkins Cover)’

Want to admire the songwriting prowess of Billy Corgan without actually having to listen to Billy Corgan? We get it. Fortunately there’s a fresh new way to do so via Snail Mail’s cover of the classic ‘Tonight, Tonight.’ The track has been a staple in her live shows for a while now, but a proper studio version was crafted for a cut scene from the indie-film sensation ‘I Saw The TV Glow.’ Which is great, because we all know you don’t have the attention span for a whole movie anyway.

Too lazy to make your own playlist? Yeah, we thought so. That’s why we’ve taken the time to do it for you. You’ll find these songs and countless others by clicking here. Be sure to give it a follow or like or whatever Spotify is calling it now so you always have a way of tricking your loved ones into thinking you actually have hobbies and interest.