15 Music Video Tie Ins To Remind You That You Failed At Both Your Music Dreams And Your Film Dreams

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

When you were a starry-eyed youth, you thought you could do everything. You could be a rockstar or even the next Speilberg. We all know how that went. Let us look back at when music and films formed the perfect marriage in music video tie-ins to remind you of two failed dreams at once.

Prince “Batdance”
Batman 

Tim Burton’s Batman film was absolutely groundbreaking. Then the studios brought in musical genius Prince to form his own personality with the intellectual property in a spectacular 7 minutes. Great costumes, great choreography, overall a great note to end the ‘80s on. Tim Burton was barely 30 when he made this let alone on his 3rd big hit, what’s your excuse?

Devo “Doctor Detroit”
Doctor Detroit

You really can’t go wrong when it comes to Devo. Why didn’t you ever commit to a Devo act? Despite this Dan Aykroyd flick not being a memorable one, Devo goes out of their way to incorporate the movie perfectly into their unique style of video effects and music. And hey, Dan Aykroyd made this movie which is more than you can say.

U2 “Hold Me, Kiss Me, Thrill Me”
Batman Forever

Oh, uh another Batman one. Despite your feelings on U2 or “Batman Forever,” there’s no doubt this is a great music video. Bono and friends are animated to look just like a classic Batman comic book. Becoming a successful graphic novelist is also something you could have done.

Smashing Pumpkins “The End Is The Beginning Is The End”
Batman And Robin

Okay, a third Batman one. Kind of a weird choice to do a non-Batman one then three Batman music videos in a row. Billy Corgan flies around in Batman’s CGI head. Pretty cool. When is the last time you did something remotely cool? Back in college? That was 17 years ago big dog.

Seal “Kiss From A Rose”
Batman Forever

Are you serious? Four Batman videos are on this list? And didn’t we just do “Batman Forever”? Great song though. Video is not much to write home about. Perhaps if you stuck to your film aspirations you could’ve given it more zazz.

Digital Underground “Same Song”
Nothing But Trouble

Finally, we’re back on track. Some very ‘90s choices of culture costumes aside, Digital Underground does a great job capturing the style of the Dan Aykroyd classic. This is also the first single to feature 2pac. Must’ve been nice for Tupac to get this big break…

Dan Aykroyd & Tom Hanks “City Of Crime”
Dragnet

Tom Hanks raps with Dan Aykroyd in this- Wait a minute… “Dr. Detroit,” “Nothing But Trouble,” “Dragnet”… are these Dan Akyroyd choices on purpose?

The Elwood Blues Revue “Land of 1000 Dances”
The Great Outdoors

So just to be clear, this list is Aykroyd-Batman-Batman-Batman-Batman-Aykroyd-Aykroyd- Aykroyd? I’m just trying to rub it in your face about your failed dreams but now I’m distracted by whoever chose the songs for this list.

Paul McCartney “Spies Like Us”
Spies Like Us

At one point Paul McCartney rips his mask off to reveal he’s who else? Sigh… You guessed it, Dan Aykroyd. Hey, at least “Ghostbusters” will probably be on this list soon. “Ghostbusters” was a comedic and special effects anomaly that really inspired you as a kid to be creative. I doubt you ever saw “Spies Like Us.” Also remember when you first learned how to play a Beatles song on guitar?

Siouxsie and The Banshees “Face To Face”
Batman Returns

Now we’re back to a Batman music video. The crossover with “Batman Returns” is much more subtle than the other music videos much like how “Batman Returns” is a much more subtle Batman movie. You read lots of books about how to create subtle symbolism in your art but nothing happened from that. This has to be the last Batman one, right?

Memphisto Odessey “Crash”
Batman Beyond Return Of The Joker

Fitting band for an early 2000s cyberpunk Batman. Wayne Static Appears with his giant hair gelled into Bat ears. Wayne Static expressed himself with his hair in ways you never could. But maybe you could get into hats now. Ever thought about being a hat guy?

Avenged Sevenfold “Bat Country”
Batman Begins

A forgotten cross-promotion from the Chris Nolan reboot. Did you know that the 2016 film “Suicide Squad” had like 7 music video tie ins? I’m not making that up. Unfortunately they’re not Batman focused enough to include here.

Art Of Noise “Dragnet”
Dragnet

Okay back to the Ayk man with “Dragnet” I guess. This one is very similar to the Devo one and that is meant as a compliment. It’s very creative and 4th wall breaking just like the films you never got around to making. Dan Akryoyd sure has attached himself to a lot of great work. It shows what happens when you commit to something.

Beldar & Prymaat “Conehead Love”
Coneheads

Oh look, Aykroyd is rapping with Jane Curtin this time. Not gonna lie this kinda slaps. There’s only one music video left on this list. It better be “Ghostbusters”. There can’t be any more Batman or Aykroyd music videos that can be chosen. Now let’s get to busting!

LL Cool J “Deepest Blue”
Deep Blue Sea

His hat is like a shark’s fin.

New Study Reveals 92.5 The Scorpion Is Not the Only Station That Rocks

Posted on by Kyle Donley

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — A new study from Arizona State University revealed that local radio station 92.5 The Scorpion has not been the only one that rocks, despite their bold on-air claims of such, stunned sources confirmed.

“In fact, we’ve discovered a good 237 other FM stations in the area that rock equivalently or even slightly more so in some cases,” said airwave radio scientist Radha Unjit after performing a basic litmus test to confirm their findings. “Our study concluded that the Scorpion has played the likes of Hoobastank and Nickelback, so the bar was set rather low. If the station is able to up their game and throw in some Alice In Chains or even the radio-friendly Metallica stuff, empirical evidence points to them actually turning the corner and rocking. In conclusion, these guys are lying sacks of shit.”

Disgraced 92.5 Scorpion DJ Jax Orlando shared his thoughts on the controversial research.

“The station managers give us the playlist and we pop it on. Blame them for us playing wall-to-wall Puddle of Mudd,” said Orlando who was forced to put on Alien Ant Farm’s “Smooth Criminal” for the third time this hour against his will. “We have a community of listeners that are hurting and we want to hear from them. And give them the opportunity to win tickets to see Trapt at the Brickstone Lodge on October 3rd. The seventh caller will win a pair of tickets to the show. Unfortunately, we’re still waiting for our first caller on that.”

Understandably, the news has rocked local residents of the area.

“Any time I started to lose signal I would just turn the radio off and drive in silence because I only listen to alternative rock and thought that was the only radio station in the country that played that kind of music,” said Chad Radcliffe, a local vacuum cleaner repairman. “So the fact that this whole time I could have been listening to ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ elsewhere followed by whatever music Papa Roach is making now, all while driving across county lines is upsetting. But I guess you just can’t believe everything you hear on the radio these days.”

At press time, researchers were quick to start a new study to reveal whether the station was, in fact, our nation’s “Home of the Rock.”

Opinion: If This Office is Truly Like a Family, How Come I Get Called into HR Every Time I Verbally Abuse Someone

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

You know what really pisses me off? When some lifeless, faceless corporation uses the whole “we’re like a family” thing to sell their sense of “culture” to prospective employees. Listen, like most people I know, I saw this as an open invitation to verbally abuse, gaslight, mistreat, and humiliate my way into the kind of working environment that I’m allegedly supposed to be emulating.

But apparently if you berate Linda from accounting for her obvious alcoholism and poke fun at her weight in an effort to “make her feel at home,” you get called to HR before you can even make Derek cry at the holiday potluck when you passive-aggressively suggest that his buffalo chicken dip is a carbon copy of the version that you saw on Allrecipes so everybody knows he’s a fucking fraud whose incapable of thinking for himself.

I don’t get it. If this workplace really had the family environment it’s boasting, then how come every time I lock myself in the bathroom and say “This time I’m really going to fucking do it” after every single perceived slight from my peers or management, I’m given a pamphlet about the benefits of our employee mental health assistance program? Since when is any self-respecting authority figure supposed to be interested in my well-being?

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but team-building exercises, like most family outings, are supposed to involve bringing up that time a certain someone peed themselves on the haunted hayride because nobody took their request for a bathroom break seriously. And now you’re telling me that not only are bathroom breaks encouraged, but actually mandatory every 90 minutes? Casual humiliation about traumatic events that become core memories of resentment is supposed to be a part of the process, and if I can’t get my jabs in, then what’s the point of even returning to the office?

Instead, I keep hearing this bullshit about “a healthy collaborative environment where you feel comfortable in your own skin,” which makes absolutely no sense. If you really want me to feel like I belong here, then promise me you’ll take me out for ice cream after the company softball game, and leave me standing in the rain for 3 hours because your old college friend is in town and you forgot to pick me up.

Guitar Enters Wall Decoration Phase

Posted on by Zac Lux

ATLANTA — The well-played guitar of local man Cody Marksen entered its next chapter as a wall decoration in his suburban condo, sources actively searching for a “Reservoir Dogs” poster confirmed.

“One day I woke up and it was just… there,” said Marksen, the former guitar player of Atlanta hardcore band Incitement. “I remember playing some backyard pig roast show with bonfires and dirtbikes, pretty sure I jumped through a table that was covered in gasoline. The next morning I woke up to it on the wall and my wife was dragging me to a wedding I’d forgotten about. Now I’ve gotten used to having it up there and don’t have the heart to take it down. The guitar became a statement piece for the living room. It’s very chic, I love it.”

The new phase of the guitar’s life hasn’t only affected Marksen’s career in music, but it’s starting to take a toll on his relationship too.

“One of the things I really loved about him was how talented he was,” said Hannah Slovak, Marksen’s wife of 7 years. “He could headwalk 13 people deep and still keep playing the heaviest breakdown you’ve ever heard. Now he’s started obsessing about which of his old passions pair with Millennial Gray, he’s up all night just comparing paint swatches to old guitars and even replica skateboards. It’s driving me crazy. I’ve been finding myself with wandering eyes for these greasy dudes in shitty butt-rock cover bands at the dive bar near us. I never thought I’d say it, but I miss being married to a band guy. If this keeps up I bet he’ll start wearing sweater vests or some shit.”

The living room wall being a tomb adorned by old creative relics isn’t a new concept. It’s been a common practice in interior design and home decor for generations.

“We set aside about 40% of our budget for non-used instruments and creative pursuits, specifically,” said Stefon Lurchsin, interior decorator, “Vintage guitars, harps, baby-grand pianos, you name it. They’re quite useful for providing a feeling of creative integrity within the space, and artistic mystique of the owners, however hollow, while also supporting the flow of the room itself. I tell ya, for how well they tie everything together, vintage Jazzmasters are the new rugs.”

At press time, Marksen was too busy tactfully hanging old skateboards on the wall to comment further.

Photo by Matt MacDonald.

Every Cryptopsy Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

Cryptopsy’s music is what people who hate metal think of when they hear the phrase “death metal.” It’s chaotic and techy, can feel out of control, and often their lyrics are about violence and gore and other stuff that’s cool on paper and scary in real life. The band is fun, although they might not want people to think that. I don’t know. Metal bands are weird. Sometimes it’s all “we’re so mysterious and evil” but at other points, they’re just folks having a good time. And for a band that unfortunately has the word “Crypto” in their name, Cryptopsy is actually a lot of fun. So sit back, remember you will never be as good of a drummer as Flo and join as while we rank the Cryptopsy discography.

8. The Unspoken King (2008)

This isn’t a surprise to anyone who knows the band. Were this not put out by a legendary death metal band, it would just fade into the large pile of bland late-00’s deathcore albums. Because that’s what it is. The clean vocals are painful, but I guess the rest of the album is done adequately, even the *sigh* keyboards. But it’s just not what we want from Cryptopsy. Maroon 5 have enough talent in their band that they could probably put out a semi-decent hardcore record. But does anyone want that? No. Wait. Actually maybe? Come to think of it, just for the novelty, that would highly entertaining. However, nobody wanted this.

Play it again: Don’t.
Skip it: Correct.

7. Self-Titled (2012)

The return to form following “The Unspoken King,” the band’s self-titled album is like when you make regular mac and cheese after an ill-advised attempt at making it with all sorts of weird shit like broccoli and hot dogs and whatnot. It’s nice to get back to the OG vibe, but it’s still gonna take you a second to get your palate back to normal. Because that Trader Joe’s Sriracha is fine, but it sure as shit ain’t Huy Fong, so now everything tastes a little off. And while the internet says you can’t burn off your taste buds, it certainly feels like you did.

Play it again: “Shag Harbour’s Visitors,” and “Two-Pond Torch”
Skip it: “Ominous”

6. Once Was Not (2005)

Aside from the absolute ass production, Lord Worm’s return to the band is essentially when you hang out with your buddies from back in the day and it goes… ok. It’s not awful. We were all worried Steve was gonna talk about high school too much. But he only brought it up once or twice. And like, Ben is definitely in a cult, right? But he was pretty chill. Also Matt became crazy conservative, I think? But he never brought up politics, so that’s cool. And I think Lee is an anarchist now, which is tight. So honestly, considering how this could’ve gone, it’s pretty good. Not the best time, but definitely not the worst.

Play it again: “Carrionshine,” and “Adeste Infidelis”
Skip it: “Luminum,” and “The End”

5. As Gomorrah Burns (2023)

Is this the best Cryptopsy can do? No. Are there enough noodle parts? No. Is the production a little slick? Yes. But this album feels like a big step in the right direction. Essentially this is the “Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol” of Cryptopsy albums. It feels like it’s maybe a revitalization of where the band can go. This current iteration hasn’t quite hit “Rogue Nation” quality and nothing has gotten close to “Fallout.” But overall it does feel like in the next decade we might get some Henry Cavill with a mustache-level of shred from this band, and everybody wants that. We all want the mustache.

Play it again: “Ill Ender,” “Praise the Filth,” and “Lascivious Undivine”
Skip it: “In Abeyance” is a popular song, but we don’t get it.

4. …And Then You’ll Beg (2000)

This album gets shit on, but shouldn’t. This is one of those albums that had any crossover band put this out in 2000, the scene would’ve lost their fucking minds. But because a “metal” band did, lots of folks thought it wasn’t heavy enough, and found it too “hardcorey” or “jazzy” or “good.” This album makes me wish that if the band truly felt the need to branch out on “The Unspoken King” they had done so in a more Dillinger Escape Plan-type of way. Because this album is noodley as fuck, and we love it. As a sidenote, this album also gets exponentially better when you begin to realize that vocals kinda sound like Sweetums, the Muppet.

Play it again: “Voice of Unreason,” “…and Then It Passes,” and “Soar and Envision Sore Vision”
Skip it: “Screams Go Unheard” is a good song, but while the 2:15 intro sets a mood, it goes on 2 minutes too long.

3. Blasphemy Made Flesh (1994)

This album is goofy as fuck. The production is great. And by that, of course we mean the band understands that one of the most important instruments in metal is the bass. Because the bass is TURNED THE FUCK UP on this album. And all it makes us think is: why aren’t other bands turning that bass up? There are elements to this album that have a Sigh-esque Muppet quality to them. Which you gotta know is a compliment. And yeah, that’s two albums in a row with Muppet references. This shit is weird and silly and scary and chaotic. While it isn’t their best album it’s definitely one we come back to quite a bit.

Play it again: “Defenestration,” “Born Headless,” and “Abigor”
Skip it: no skips

2. Whisper Supremacy (1998)

A possible controversial take to put this at number 2 and not “Blasphemy Made Flesh.” But the reality is: this is a great album. As with “…And Then You’ll Beg” the vocals take a little adjustment to get used to, but only if you’re expecting Lord Worm. Because once you actually embrace the vocals, it’s hard to imagine Worm on this album. Like when your favorite pizza place starts adding a bit of Parmigianno-Reggiano to their pies. It gonna take a moment to get adjusted. You’re just so used to it being simply mozzarella, sauce, and dough. And now there’s just a slight kick from the parm. It’s great. But you need a sec. Change can be hard, buddy. But just know that regardless of me moving out, your mom and I love you very much, and nothing is gonna change that.

Play it again: “Cold Hate Warm Blood,” “Depth You’ve Fallen,” and “Emaciate.”
Skip it: no skips

1. None So Vile (1996)

This is the one. It’s got everything you want. All the vitamins and minerals. There are times when Lord Worm flat-out sounds like he was listening to a different album in the studio. I mean there are moments when my man has NO rhythm. His vocals on this album are like the dream when you have to play a show and get on stage and then realize you don’t know any of the songs. You might nail some parts. But mostly you’re just hoping you’re not yelling when the song ends. The thing is.. he crushes it. Lord Worm’s performance is no small part of this number-one ranking. This shit is wildly entertaining. It feels like at any moment the wheels are gonna come off, or the band is gonna stop and say “This is just TOO nuts, right? It’s 1998. The world ain’t ready for this.” But the world was. And Is. And always shall be. Amen.

Play it again: whole thing
Skip it: the fuck did you say?

Progressive Bank Robbers Would Like to Start Holdup with Land Acknowledgement

Posted on by Livy Berry

DENVER — A group of left-leaning bank robbers decided to start a recent holdup by acknowledging the crime they were committing was happening on land stolen from Indigenous people, confirmed sources who agree that it is becoming more and more important to recognize our crimes of the past.

“Alright, nobody try to be a hero,” lead robber Jacob Hartley said. “But before we get this started, I’d just like to acknowledge that we are in fact on native land, and everything we have here is because of a genocide that happened years ago. With this in mind, it is our duty now to all agree to treat this land and its inhabitants as mindfully and respectfully as possible, please raise your hands if you agree. Now everybody get on the fucking ground or I’ll blow your fucking brains all over the wall!”

This simple, yet meaningful gesture was enough to catch the attention of even the hostages, despite having much more pressing matters to focus on.

“I thought it was just brilliant!” said Sandra Anders, a particularly wealthy-looking white hostage. “It really speaks to their characters that they would take the time to do something like this. Really, that is what our society needs more of! I myself try to be as inclusive as possible with the minority and lower-class children at my sons’ private school. I just wish my kids could be here now to see such incredible role models at work.”

While this act received much praise, there were some people who were not happy with this progressive attitude.

“I just don’t understand why this woke shit has gotta be everywhere these days!” Exclaimed Judd Daniels, somebody’s uncle, waiting just on the other side of the police tape. “Can’t we just get fucking on with it? Now listen, I’m perfectly fine with the Indians, but do we really have to be apologizing to them all the time? It’s not like I killed their grandparents! They seem fine! They’ve got their spaces, we’ve got ours, whatever! When is the SWAT team headed in? That’s when this shit gets good!”

At press time, Hartley was seen wearing a Black Lives Matter shirt before burglarizing a Black-owned business.

The Next Michale Graves? This Proud Boy Turns Into a Big Whiny Crybaby Every Saturday Night

Posted on by Chris Bowen

If you’re a Misfits fan, you know you have to pick a side. It’s either “Team Danzig,” or it’s “Team Graves” (because let’s face it, no one wants to be on Jerry’s team.) If you swear allegiance to the team led by the clown shoes jerk nobody likes (that isn’t Glen Danzig), then you’re in luck because there’s another right-wing, Halloween-decoration-looking whine-ass fresh on the scene!

Meet Richard Warren. Much like Graves, Warren is a vocalist. He’s the lackluster replacement singer for a band that he has no business being in, and he’s also a Proud Boy who has completely missed the point of punk music in general. Sound familiar? You bet it does! You “American Psycho” you.

But there is one thing in particular Warren does best to mirror Graves, and that’s cry like a little, wimpy Nazi bitch on the weekend.

Sure, he talks a big game during the week. What, with his “my freedoms this” and “they stole the election that.” But it’s a good thing January 6th was on a Wednesday, because had it been a Saturday, ol’ spooky-bigot-crybaby may have had to sit that one out because nobody wants to hang out with him and even his family ignores his texts.

“There was something I forgot to say, I was crying on a Saturday night,” is the famous Graves-era lyric that Warren essentially lives his life by. One could imagine lighting tiki torches by yourself on a Saturday Night because you have no friends would cause anyone to cry, even a self-proclaimed American patriot like Warren, who likes to blame all of his life’s problems on everyone else. So if you see him lonely in the backseat at the drive-in, just remember he has no one to blame for it but himself.

Maybe this has been a little harsh, maybe it’s a case of beating a man while he’s down. After all, he is spending the next 25 years in federal prison for inciting an insurrection. But Richard Warren, and Michale Graves alike have a bright future ahead of themselves with a new election coming up. Maybe they will both achieve their vision of a fascist takeover. Or maybe they’ll just be a couple of angry blat-asses. Only time will tell.

Uber Driver Named Jehu Has No Idea What 45-Year-Old Passenger Is Going On About

Posted on by Kyle Donley

FARMINGDALE, N.Y. — Uber driver Jehu Maboul had absolutely no clue what his passenger Darren Blaylock was going on about after continuous references to post-hardcore band Drive Like Jehu, befuddled sources confirmed.

“The universe works in mysterious ways,” said Blaylock before asking Maboul if it was ok to smoke a cigarette in his car during the ride. “Someone a bit more cynical might refer to this as mere coincidence, but Drive Like Jehu meant so much to me in 10th grade, ya know? This is basically equivalent to seeing the band live in 1993 or dare I say their reunion in the mid-2010s. How could this be random? Automatic five-star rating for Jehu.”

Maboul was bewildered by Blaylock the entire ride and assumed his passenger was intoxicated.

“This man sounded delirious and just started spouting word salads like ‘Yank Crime’ and ‘Bullet Train to Vegas,’” said Maboul. “He was bowing down to me and saying Fugazi was too political and Quicksand was too commercial and that he needed to call Matt because Matt would love this. Who is Matt? I do not know. When I asked Darren what he meant, he did say that Matt is more of a Hot Snakes guy, which even further confused me. But hey, he tipped me 50% in the end. Totally worth fearing for my life for the majority of that ride.”

Police pulled Maboul over at one point after he was seen swerving on the road.

“There was no indication that the driver was impaired, but the passenger kept belligerently repeating something about how Jehu drives like that. I don’t know. I couldn’t follow any of it,” said Officer Aiello. “In fact, it was the passenger who appeared to be the aggressor, and kept saying that if a seminal post-hardcore band was his namesake, he’d want to check out their seminal major label debut. We immediately performed a field sobriety test on Mr. Blaylock and had to detain him right there on the spot despite him passing our procedures. We just can’t have reckless passengers endangering the lives of rideshare drivers.”

At press time, Blaylock couldn’t believe his luck when he met a woman named June who just happened to be 44 years old, as he couldn’t help but constantly reference post-hardcore group June of 44.

Every Circa Survive Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Whether you’re a fan of old school Saosin or the potentially drugged out supergroup known as The Sound of Animals Fighting, a few things are for certain: Anthony Green is a beast on the mic, and his project Circa Survive with other insane band members on his level is very hard to categorize but chock full of incredible, incredible musicianship and crazy, crazy vocal acrobatics. While the band may sadly be on hiatus now, they may return to the public eye when you least expect it, and in the meantime, you can take a gander at any of their seven full-length studio albums to satiate your hungry AND thirsty senses. We decided to rank these records from worst to best, but we assure you that even Circa Survive’s weakest LP is better than your band’s finest.

7. Descensus (2014)

One of ‘em had to be last, sorry… Quiet down! At ten tracks lasting nearly fifty minutes, “Descensus,” Circa Survive’s fifth album, is a very enjoyable listening experience, but it sadly has the least replay value of their entire fantastic catalog. Released via Sumerian Records, then home to other forward-thinking rock acts Periphery and Born of Osiris, Circa Survive’s hybrid blend of every musical genre known to mankind, “Descensus” is so, so much more than a Google search of the actual word descensus; for a good time every time, google the word of this LP and when you’re done, try “Florida Man” and your birthday. Still, this full-length studio album got more than solid reviews from inferior publications, so we’re wrong here like we always are. In closing, Circa Survive and fellow East Coasters Coheed & Cambria always have the coolest album covers.

Play it again: “Child of the Desert”
Skip it: “Who Will Lie With Me Now”

6. Two Dreams (2022)

“Two Dreams,” Circa Survive’s lucky seventh full-length studio album not inspired by Billy Joel’s perfect tune “The River of Dreams,” and swan song as of now, consists of a combination of two EPs, 2021’s happily sounding “A Dream About Love,” and 2022’s morbid appealing “A Dream About Death”. The record was released via Rise Records at the very end of 2022, and was certainly not Rise-Core like Monster Energy Drink mainstays Sleeping With Sirens, Memphis May Fire, Of Mice & Men, and insert chugga-chugga metalcore act here. A few months prior to the release of “Two Dreams,” Circa Survive made a public statement that they were ending one form of a dream, better known as living the dream, and hanging their multi-genre hats, at least for the time being. “Two Dreams” is a stylistic evolution for the band and despite falling under the radar, deserves your attention.

Play it again: “Drift”
Skip it: “Die on the West Coast”

5. The Amulet (2017)

Circa Survive sure knows how to flirt with large and smaller labels, amirite? Want proof? Here you go: “The Amulet,” the band’s sixth full-length studio album, and first/last for Hopeless Records, then home to The Used, New Found Glory, Hands Like Houses, and your favorite and least favorite pop punk band, is certainly an improvement of its former, “Descensus,” unless you’re a total “Descensus” stan; sorry not sorry. Also, if you had a chance to catch CS on their co-headlining run with Thrice for this album cycle, you were treated to an amazing and musically insane show overall, with truly cool openers Balance and Composure and Chon. Actually, it must be said on paper, Circa Survive genuinely brings more than solid support acts on the road with ‘em. More bands should follow that strategy! At night it may get worse, but we’ll never tell a soul.

Play it again: “Lustration”
Skip it: “The Hex”

4. Violent Waves (2012)

Birth of the economic hit man with blood from a stone: “Violent Waves,” Circa Survive’s fourth full-length studio album, was kind of handicapped from the start as it followed their three best efforts front to back without a label to support it, which was a far more difficult path ten plus years ago than it is now. However, the band proved that they could overcome said stats and kill ‘em all by producing the nearly hour-long LP themselves, and showcasing their musicianship in a “live” sounding manner… And they did sales wise at number fifteen on the Billboard Top 200, and composition wise! Also, “Violent Waves” has two badass features in Rachel Minton of the underrated Zolof the Rock and Roll Destroyer on “Suitcase” and Geoff Rickley of Thursday one track later on “The Lottery;” our black scene hearts certainly figuratively won the lottery with these additions.

Play it again: “Birth of the Economic Hit Man”
Skip it: “Blood From A Stone”

3. On Letting Go (2007)

Far from a sophomore slump, but just not good enough for a gold or silver medal here in this piece, Circa Survive’s second full-length studio album and last of two for Equal Vision Records, then home to Chiodos, The Snake The Cross The Crown, Pierce The Veil, and another band name so uncool it’s cool, “On Letting Go,” contains the band’s most publicly successful Spotify song in the verbose by title alone, “The Difference Between Medicine and Poison Is in the Dose”. It also acts as a slightly inferior sequel to their juggernaut debut LP “Juturna,” whatever the hell that means; we’ll get to that sooner than soon. Still, this effort likely put the cherry on the cake for their move to Atlantic Records, a major label in a world of major labels. In closing, producer Brian McTernan killed it here (and destroyed it on their first one as well)!

Play it again: “The Difference Between Medicine and Poison Is in the Dose”
Skip it: “Carry Us Away”

2. Juturna (2005)

This record and the potentially surprisingly next to be listed entry have no “skip it” tracks. Zilch. Fight us. Now for our one hundred and fifty obligatory words about “Juturna” that start with three short ones: “What. A. Debut.” Seriously. We are not going to explore the drama that surrounded this band’s inception, and the fallout of another one that buried your head; you all have yahoo.com in your bookmarks that cover your houses of leaves, you know what to do at the prompt. If you remember, remember, and if you don’t, don’t. Anyway, Circa Survive’s first full-length studio album “Juturna” was quite a statement for the scene and the world hasn’t recovered since, in the best way. We’re only asking for you to give eternal props to Anthony Green, Colin Frangicetto, Brendan Ekstrom, Nick Beard, and Steve Clifford for “Juturna” and so much more!

Play it again: Ancient Rome
Skip it: Ancient Greece

1. Blue Sky Noise (2010)

It came as a shock to some that Atlantic Records would sign such a non-typical major label band like Circa Survive, but you can’t argue facts, and the band had commanding numbers that any conglomerate would kill for. Plus, they had cred, which was a solid way to attract other acts to the label whilst making ‘em seem cutting edge. Hardcore and casual fans may scoff at us ranking “Blue Sky Noise” in the gold medal spot instead of its predecessors, but you can’t argue with taste, actually, you most certainly can. Also, it’s badass that BSN was produced by David Bottrill, who sat behind the boards for classic albums from legendary acts such as Peter Gabriel, Tool, King Crimson, and Silverchair. Still, this record is their lone LP on Atlantic, which caused the band to literally get out… Sorry.

Play it again: Blue Sky
Skip it: Noise

Secret Service Considers Asking Agents Back to Office at Least Two Days a Week

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Ronald Rowe Jr, acting director of the Secret Service, held a press conference today to announce that he is heavily considering requesting all members of the Secret Service return to the office in person for at least 2 days a week following another attempt on former president Trump’s life.

“As our world returns to normal, we’re requesting that all our agents begin to guard our nation’s top political leaders in person at least two days a week,” Rowe Jr. said. “There’s something special and spontaneous about our work when we’re actually together in person diving on top of a politician. You never know what conversations or ideas can happen down there in the huddle. We know this is a big change for our #SecretFamily so in the short term we’re going to get things going by simply requesting all the human shields on salary begin turning their cameras on during the Zoom calls.”

“We can do this guys,” he added.

Not every Secret Service agent was happy with the plan.

“No one knows this but during COVID I actually took on two extra work-from-home jobs,” one Secret Service agent, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said. “All the other guys use the little earpieces to communicate about which rooftops have been cleared or whatever. I’m usually on a weekly ‘all hands’ call for one of my other jobs doing social media marketing for an organic, sustainable shampoo company. I would keep my webcam off during my Secret Service shifts. It was never a problem until people started pointing guns at Trump.”

Critics of the plan say expanding the Secret Service’s in person work week is impractical and fiscally irresponsible.

“Have you seen the Secret Service bill when Biden goes for ice cream? We’d be better off paying Ben and Jerry themselves to come down and sing some Cold Stone style songs as they mash a Butterfinger into a sundae on the resolute desk. Which oddly enough is something The President has requested several times,” said Jane Loyd, head of accounting at the service. “It’s easy for costs to pile up. Every time the person we’re protecting uses a private jet, we need to rent a jet of the same exact caliber for us to follow behind it – and for national security purposes it’s important the leather is of the same grade and quality. The whole interior, bathroom, everything needs to be on point or these boys just can’t function the way they’re expected to.”

As of press time, rumors were swirling that the secret service would also soon politely ask employees to stop outsourcing their jobs overseas to cheap, suspiciously Russian-sounding freelancers.