Every Fucked Up Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

Fucked Up are a hardcore punk band formed in 2001 in Toronto, and the best hardcore punk band of the 21st Century. They have always been a band prone to extremes—like writing, recording, mixing, and releasing an entire album from scratch in a 24-hour period, and then making it available for 24 hours (which, for that reason, won’t be covered below)—and whose thesis could be “Nothing is more pathetic than too much self-restraint.” Two notable things about the band are: first, frontman Damian Abraham, whose rabid, herniated snarl-bark makes Cujo seem comatose; and second, guitarist/producer/songwriter Mike Haliechuk, whose everything-at-once gluttonous production on FU albums would give Mr. Creosote pause. So let’s rub some stones together until magic comes out while we run down their records.

7. Glass Boys (2014)

Maybe making three impossibly over-top-top records in a row depleted them. Fucked Up’s fourth full-length finds them retreating to make 42 minutes of straight-ahead (melodic) hardcore punk. “Glass” offers some strong material, and Abraham gives his best-ever performance, sounding as if, like Tootles, he’s (finally) lost his goddamn marbles. Still, “Glass” feels and sounds like exhaustion. It’s oddly fitting, given the lyrical throughline is being a punk while getting old(er). Abraham’s impressively succinct writing allows him to express in four words the futility of trying to act younger: “Rapt attention / Turns malaise.” When he snarls “For a second it all made sense, but it fell apart,” it’s as if he’s shouting back time itself. Time doesn’t shatter like glass, but that didn’t stop the band from trying.

Play it again: “The Great Divide”
Skip it: “Warm Change”

6. Another Day (2024)

A sort-of sequel to “One Day” (see #3), FU’s newest album is their most optimistic. Perhaps because it wasn’t made under the severe restrictions as its older brother, “Another” is the more considered work. The production is brighter than “One,” with lead guitar often appearing as gleaming neon streaks. Abraham and Haliechuk again share lyric writing, with the former growing as a lyricist. He even comes close to writing like Abraham: “I’m clenching my arms around a guitar / Make music instead of a hole in the wall.” Abraham, meanwhile, can’t help but be a punk: “I watch in glee as that motherfucker grabs his chest / A tinge of jealousy that he’s the one who leaves this mess.” This is another solid effort, but it proved that FU works best when pushed to the edge.

Play it again: “Tell Yourself You Will”
Skip it: “House Lights”

5. Dose Your Dreams (2018)

FU’s second double-album rock opera is the band’s longest full-length to date, acting as an idea-dump of experiments akin to “Tusk” or “The Beatles.” This is still a punk record at its core, but there’s also heartland rock, trip-hop, dance-rock, shoegaze, industrial, and twee indie rock scattered across 82 minutes. It’s a (fun) mess, in other words. The narrative is equally messy: David from “David” (see #4) tries a mind-altering drug and winds up with a looser grip on reality than QAnon followers. Haliechuk steps in as chief lyricist, and while he’s a fine writer (“I found a path to God inside of this nothing-box / I’d sell my soul for that little wire, and I’ve found a buyer”), here he lacks Abraham’s wit and quotability. “Dose” works best as a sample platter, and you’ll get more mileage if you follow David’s lead.

Play it again: “Raise Your Voice Joyce”
Skip it: “Two I’s Closed”

4. David Comes to Life (2011)

The better double-album rock opera of the two. This is the closest they ever came to channeling The Who, and “David” is indeed their “Tommy.” Of course, this is Fucked Up we’re talking about, the batshit narrative has more misdirection than Apple Maps at launch, and the equally-batshit elevator pitch is (spoilers!): “Love Story” meets “The Truman Show” meets “Groundhog Day.” Even when Abraham is snarl-yelling about the titular character’s love and loss (“He knows that death is part of life / He would’ve made that girl his wife”), he still finds time for bitter humor (“Swans mate for life, or so I’ve heard / Which is fitting, because that shit’s for the birds”). The burning-bright cover art is apt, because they sounded burned out on the follow-up (see #7).

Play it again: “Turn the Season”
Skip it: “Let Her Rest”

3. One Day (2023)

Here, the band’s individual members wrote and recorded their respective parts in 24 hours. The result is a bright blast of spritely hardcore with minimal fat. This is their most fun and inviting record, featuring big hooks and a handful of their strongest melodies to date. Even when the lyrics—split between Abraham and Haliechuk—touch on, say, listlessness (“I used to think there was no way / For us to know which path to take / So I took the one that had me stay in place”), there’s inspiration in the shrugging acceptance of it all: “Each generation gives its traumas to the next / And they carry it.” “One Day” demonstrated that the band can throw together a better album than its peers in that amount of time.

Play it again: “Broken Little Boys”
Skip it: “Falling Right Under”

2. The Chemistry of Common Life (2008)

FU’s second album pulls a magic trick by doubling down on the bombasity of “Hidden World” while chopping off 20 minutes and being a sleeker version of its predecessor. “Chemistry” is, thus, a heavier record than their debut, even with two contemplative passages. Guitar overdubs aplenty envelop furious hardcore punk, making the album denser than a dying star. The lyrical theme is the frustration of religion and spirituality: “The hubris of the fallacy that only God can judge me / Was it only arrogance, or were we simply that naive?” Abraham’s superb writing on the topic is angry without being cynical, and he vomits out the best couplet of 2008: “It’s hard enough being born in the first place / Who would ever want to be born again?” “Chemistry” proved that Fucked Up don’t need the capacity of a CD to make an expansive piece of art.

Play it again: “Magic Word”
Skip it: “Looking for God”

1. Hidden World (2006)

On FU’s debut LP, they stopped being a singles band and became an album band; they died and were born again, to borrow from the record’s lyrics. Here, they declared war—on punk, on their own future, on critics. Or as Abraham puts it: “Cut down all the forest trees / Search the horizon for what is now seen.” There are quick-ish songs driven by a coupl’a chords repeated ad infinitum, sure, but three-quarters of “Hidden” is made up of songs that are five to nine minutes and feature proggy interludes, orchestration, and arena rock leads. The result is 72 minutes of anthemic prog-punk played with Hulk-smash energy and intensity. To call this punk would seem to test the tensile strength of language itself. Then again, nothing’s more punk than breaking all the fuckin’ rules.

Play it again: “Triumph of Life”
Skip it: the final third of “Vivian Girls”

25 Worst Foo Fighters Songs To Play During Your Marriage Counseling Session

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Marriages can be so difficult that nearly 50% of them end in divorce. Because you and your spouse don’t want to become another depressing statistic, you’ve decided to work through your differences with your new marriage counselor, Gerry. He’s a pretty laid-back therapist. Even though your spouse prefers silence, he has allowed you to play some music during your sessions to help calm your nerves.

You’re a big fan of Foo Fighters, and you’ve always found Dave Grohl’s romantic lyricism to be one of the few keys that unlock your soul. Before you start picking out some of their tracks to express your deepest feelings, here are 25 you should consider avoiding. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

25. “The Last Song”

Even though Gerry said this is a safe space, it’s still pretty jarring that you brought your 100W JBL Partybox into his office. Don’t make it worse by playing a rowdy song that suggests you’re ready to throw in the towel before the session even starts. If you must play it, at least turn it down. There’s already been enough shouting.

24. “Statues”

This is a marriage counseling session, so it’s best to pick songs that fit the theme. While ‘Statues’ does mention growing old with someone, it’s pretty bleak with its mentions of death and unremarkable lives. This would make more sense to play in a grief counseling session or maybe even hospice. Just don’t play it here, it’ll bum everyone out.

23. “White Limo”

We’ve listened to this song a few times now, and for the life of us we can’t figure out what the hell it’s about. We think it could be about a fractured relationship, but we’re not sure what the lines about limos and Day-Glo thongs are referencing. Since communication is vital in these situations, it might be best to skip this one in favor of a song with less abstract metaphors.

22. “You Should Be Dancing”

We get it. This is a tough time, and you’re desperately trying to lighten the mood. Everyone thought Foo Fighters’ post-pandemic era Bee Gees covers album was hilarious after being stuck in our homes and losing all sense of reality. Should be a no brainer, right? Wrong. This is no time for dancing and even less of a time for Grohl’s terrible falsetto.

21. “Monkey Wrench”

Gerry sometimes likes to use the metaphor of an ‘emotional toolbox’ during his sessions. In this scenario, the ‘monkey wrench’ represents the words you will use to fix the ‘pipe’ that is leaking your unresolved emotions. Needless to say, this song will probably come off as rude to him. If you don’t like his silly word games, just tell him.

20. “Holding Poison”

This song seems to suggest that it’s a good idea to hold in all of your negative feelings until you implode. Though Dave says in the song that ‘there ain’t nothing’ he can do about it, Gerry has told you repeatedly to talk about your emotional state. These sessions are like… $900 an hour so it’s important you don’t waste them by not listening. If you put this song on, you’ll only reinforce the belief that your poor spending habits are ruining the family.

19. “Subterranean”

One of the larger issues involved with letting Dave Grohl speak on your behalf is that he can be a bit dramatic at times. ‘Subterranean’ is a great example of this. You and your spouse have been married for over a decade. Do you really want to suggest that they don’t know you, damn well they don’t? If you have to put an asterisk next to a song choice, it’s best to just skip and move on.

18. “Sunday Rain”

It’s important and even healthy to voice your disappointment. If you’re going to go with poetry, though, at least pick some that makes sense. We’re not sure what the fuck Dave means by ‘Sunday Rain’ or why he’s drowning in it, but we’re pretty sure it’s a personal thing. Find your own words and make them relevant to the situation.

17. “Run”

Strong relationships aren’t all about attachment styles, but you just so happen to be avoidant as fuck, you withholding asshole. While the sentiment behind this song might seem romantic, your problems won’t magically go away no matter how far you run from them. Feel your feelings for once in your life.

16. “Next Year”

While this is certainly one of the more soothing tracks in Foo Fighters’ discography, it doesn’t really bode confidence for your marriage to suggest that you’ll be taking off only to return at an unspecified time during the following year. Also, this reeks of the “Scrubs” soundtrack. This isn’t “Scrubs”. This is real life.

15. “Tired Of You”

Ugh. The entire reason you entered marriage counseling was because you both are exhausted with each other. Since actions speak louder than words, this one will ring a bit hollow. Your spouse likely won’t appreciate the promise of continued lies and bad news to boot.

14. “Another Round”

On the surface, you might think this one is a romantic plea to a distant lover. Well, buddy, we took half a creative writing class six years ago and we’re sad to say this is not the case. When closely examined, ‘Another Round’ seems to depict a codependent relationship. You don’t want to give Gerry more to examine about you than he already has.

13. “I’ll Stick Around”

Modern beliefs regarding partnerships strive to eschew the idea of ownership and emotional debt. This is irrelevant, though, because you still haven’t come up with a good explanation for the $3,000 that suddenly disappeared from your joint bank account. Somehow no one has brought this up during the session. Don’t invite the topic with a song that repeatedly says ‘I don’t owe you anything.’

12. “Have It All”

While intimacy and sexual chemistry are important components to discuss in any couple’s therapy session, it’s important to be professional. For this reason, ‘Have It All’ might be a bit too steamy for this session. In fact, it’s borderline disgusting and might get you banned from the office indefinitely.

11. “Weenie Beenie”

When you get flustered in situations like these, you have a tendency to babble incoherently. It’s part of the reason your spouse suggested counseling in the first place. Putting this nonsense song on is a surefire way to let everyone in the room know you have no intention of working on this quirk.

10. “What Did I Do?/God As My Witness”

The purpose of these sessions is not to point blame, but to empathetically explain actions and discover patterns behind problematic behavior. That being said, everyone here knows exactly what you did. Since you’re already on thin ice, it’s best to quit denying the obvious and skip this extremely acerbic song.

9. “Wind Up”

When Gerry suggests that perhaps your fear of intimacy is rooted in your unresolved feelings of inadequacy, your first instinct might be to punch his lights out. Unfortunately, this is not your best recourse as evidenced by last week’s session. Playing this track is only going to make everyone think you haven’t learned how to control your anger.

8. “M.I.A”

While it’s generally good to acknowledge your flaws openly and honestly like Dave does in this song, you sometimes take it too far… like Dave does in this song. Even if you don’t mean it, it’s never a good idea to suggest you’re planning to go missing during a crisis such as this.

7. “DOA”

Everyone knows you don’t want to be here, but there’s no need to be so dramatic about it. Playing a song that states ‘no one’s getting out of here alive’ will change the trajectory of this session quickly and in a bad way. In this context, you might as well be yelling ‘bomb’ on an airplane. In other words, don’t.

5. “Erase/Replace”

It’s okay and even encouraged to be confrontational when your feelings are at stake. If you don’t stand up for yourself, no one will. Still, there’s a fine line between confrontational and delusional and this song crosses it within the first pre-chorus. If you’re trying to allude that you have the emotional intelligence of a toddler, put it on. Otherwise stay far away from this one.

4. “Enough Space”

First off, who the hell is Lily? Secondly, the first time you admitted to an affair you were sleepwalking and also talking nonsense about UFOs and shit. It’s a safe bet that you don’t want to remind anyone of that. Lastly… seriously, who the fuck is Lily?

3. “Hell”

You might think of including this one because the guitars and melody sound pretty upbeat and most of these sessions have been such downers. You might want to give the lyrics a once over first. We hope you’ll come to the conclusion that someone repeatedly scream-singing ‘see you in Hell’ is inappropriate. Just in case you don’t though: playing a song where Dave repeatedly screams ‘see you in Hell’ is inappropriate.

3. “Bridge Burning”

Listen, everyone is here to help repair the bridge between you and your spouse. Putting this defensive ass song on will certainly derail all hope of that happening. Remember, it’s you, your spouse, and Gerry, we guess, against the problem. No one is trying to make a bonfire out of your charred corpse as this song suggests.

2. “Love Dies Young”

This is the absolute opposite of the vibe your counselor is attempting to cultivate here. It’s melodramatic and counterproductive. Maybe there’s a Foo Fighters song called ‘Love Lasts Forever Despite Some Roadblocks Along The Way.’ We don’t have time to research, but if that song exists, play it instead.

1. “All My Life”

If you want to sound like a crazed lunatic with drinking problems, or even worse, just a total brat, go ahead and put this one on. Let’s see how your spouse or Gerry reacts to the suggestion that you can just pick up and go to the next greatest love of your life. Just for clarity, we’re being sarcastic. Social cues are something you’ll work on in next week’s solo session.

Listen to the playlist:

Local Punk Venue Introduces World’s First No-Ply Toilet Paper

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

RAPID CITY, S.D. — Local punk venue The Pukebox has somehow invented the world’s first “no-ply” toilet paper as a courtesy to their guests, sources in the bathroom report.

“I pregamed at home, then ate some Wendy’s chili I found in my friend’s car, and dropped a massive deuce during the opening set. I had grabbed a handful of toilet paper, but when I went to wipe I got nothing but my hand. It was so weird,” said local punk Steven Hoffner. “It dissolved like cotton candy in your mouth. Tried it again, same thing. By then I heard the band was doing an Aus-Rotten cover, so I just credit carded the rest with my fingers and ran back out there. Didn’t even wash my hands or anything.”

The Pukebox owner Larry Runnels says he’s proud to be at the forefront of sanitation at punk venues.

“We take health and safety very seriously at The Pukebox. Sure, it looks like a festering shithole, but that’s just the aesthetic. We also developed a hand soap that feels just like water. Some people have said we just fill the dispensers with water, but those are baseless accusations from people who prefer gooey soap. The rumors that we mop up puke, wring out the alcohol then sell it back to customers at half price are outrageous as well–we would never sell anything at half price.”

Microbiologist Stephanie Laroque has studied punk venues for years as an easy way to access various germs, bacterias, and diseases for her research.

“Oh yeah, punk shows offer the ideal habitat for germs to thrive in their natural environment. Even more so than a controlled laboratory,” said Laroque. “These dives have effectively never been sanitized, so we can really see how these things develop without the presence of antibacterial cleaners. Every square foot of your average punk venue has nearly unlimited data on germs, bacteria, fungi, mold, and so on. Our industry owes a lot to disgusting punks and piece of shit venue owners, for sure.”

At press time, Runnels was seen cleaning pint glasses with a dirty diaper he found in the alley.

We Sat Down With Death Metal Icon, My Dad Sneezing

Posted on by Laura Lewis

When we think about death metal, we think about the deep, growling vocals made synonymous with the subgenre by such figures as Aman Amarth’s Johan Hegg and Lamb of God’s Randy Blythe.

But what about the unsung singers of death metal; the sounds we’ve come to know, but perhaps have never truly recognized?

That’s why we at the Hard Times sat down with a death metal icon, my Dad sneezing.

Hard Times: Thanks for sitting down with us today. Can you talk a little bit about how you got your start in death metal?

Dad: I mean, you were there.

HT: Right, but this is an interview, remember? It’s for Hard Times; we’re a publication. That’s why I’m recording this, and why these other people are here.

Dad: Oh yeah, cool. Welcome! You guys want some root beer? I’ve got loads, just went to BJ’s. You know you can buy a whole shed at BJ’s now? They’ll deliver it and everything. Greenhouses, too. Just the other day, I-

HT: Dad, we’re talking about your career as a death metal vocalist.

Dad: Okay, sure. So we were on a family vacation, right? This was about 88, 89, and we went to California to see the redwoods. Majestic, but the altitude gave us all a kind of head cold. Then in Van Nuys, I was sneezing a lot and trying to hold it in, but then all that pent-up sneezing came out in one monster sneeze, you know? And it just so happened I did that outside Metal Blade Records. Next thing I knew, I had a job.

HT: So they signed you right there on the spot?

Dad: No no, I said I had a job, not a record deal. My job was to record all my sneezes. I got paid by the sneeze.

HT: Well, what happened when you started to feel better?

Dad: It was late August, nearly back-to-school time for you kids, so I dropped off my tape and we went home.

HT: That was it? Didn’t you do this work for years? Whenever you missed my school events, you said it was because you were filling in for King Diamond.

Dad: Well yeah, I did. They flew me out periodically, but just to record. They said I didn’t have the right look to join a band, and I was too busy working on the Vista Cruiser to tour. I guess you’d call me a session vocalist. But only during cold and flu season.

HT: So, you didn’t even work with these bands directly?

Dad: Nah. I was just there to round out their sound on the album and get home in time for dinner. Plus, I was usually sick, you know? Didn’t wanna pass on my germs.

HT: You’re credited on over 16 studio albums. You’re telling me you never met any of the bands?

Dad: Met Corpsegrinder once.

HT: Cool! Tell us about that.

Dad: Oh, it was unrelated to music. We were playing the same claw machine at a movie theater. Nice guy. Real good at claw machines. Won like 4 things in a row.

HT: Okay. Well, how would you describe your sound? What would you say your influences are?

Dad: Influenza, mostly. Plus the sound of the garbage disposal on meatloaf night, am I right? *laughs*

HT:

Dad:

HT:

Dad: You see, it’s funny because my wife makes terrible meatloaf. So we turn on the garbage disposal to get rid of it all. And it makes this hard, gurgly sound.

HT:

Dad: Anyway, that’s the sound I try to replicate. I don’t much understand it, but it’s what the kids like.

HT: Thanks for talking to us, Dad. You mind signing off with one of your signature brees?

Dad: All I got’s cheddar. HA! No, sure, I’ll do you one. Pass me that pepper.

Newly Declared Audiophile Exclusively Listens To Vinyl Since Ex Took Him Off Spotify Premium Plan

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Local deadbeat Griffin Carson adopted the stance of vinyl-only “audiophile” coinciding with his ex-girlfriend’s understandable decision to remove him from her Spotify Premium plan, sources confirmed while agreeing “good for her.”

“Actually, I don’t miss the endless library of easily-accessible music always at my fingertips at all. I actually despised how simple it was to make shareable playlists. Who even needs that?” gasped a frazzled Carson, as he put on the bravest face we’ve ever seen. “I far prefer the scratchiness and limited scope of my record collection, which I’m proud to say now numbers in the multiple dozens! Plus, I’m getting in shape by upping my step count from walking over and flipping the sides. Yup, doing pretty well if you ask me.”

Spotify user and Carson’s ex-girlfriend, Priscilla Ruggles, defended her decision to move on.

“Oh, I definitely would have let him stay on the plan if he’d have just split the monthly fee with me. I don’t wish him any ill-will, but I can’t just let him ride my coattails. I just wish he’d stop acting like he cares about sound quality and artist’s residuals and shit like that,” said a calm Ruggles, who is clearly feeling better than she has in a long time. “But Griffin was always pretty performative, and if there’s one place he loved being, it was up on his high horse. Hey, more power to him. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a weekly curated mix that I can listen to while walking around outside to enjoy.”

Spotify CEO Daniel Ek is fearful that the recurring “jettisoned-ex” situation is ruining his company.

“Man, this scourge of lowlife ex-boyfriends is really making a dent in our financials, year after year. For every split-up couple that keeps their account, there are nine that say ‘to hell with him and to hell with the music and podcasts he liked.’ It’s a pretty harrowing state of affairs,” said Ek, while kicking a street musician as if by instinct. “Hell, I might even have to resort to making a new ‘Ek’s exes’ membership plan for losers whose ex-partners have wised up and removed them in an effort to forge a new life path just so we can keep a few of these ding-dongs paying for our services. Wish us luck. If it’s anyone that has it hard in this industry, it’s we Spotify CEOs.”

At press time, Carson had been reduced to pretending that he only cared to listen to ambient sound and birdsong, as Ruggles remembered his turntable and most of his records were hers, too.

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week Between Moo Deng Livestreams

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

While we may have tormented you all with Ska Week for several days straight, we at The Hard Times know what the people want, and that’s music other than ska. Here’s what we’ve been listening to when we aren’t watching that fucking adorable baby hippo bite people all day.

The Cure “Alone”

It may shock you to learn that The Hard Times staff and contributor pool contains a lot of dudes in their 40s. Based on this revelation, however, it should absolutely not surprise you that we’ve had The Cure’s first single since 2008 on repeat. “Alone,” a nearly 7-minute track, is instrumentally lush, vocally heart-wrenching, and devastatingly moody, so pretty much pitch perfect for any fan who feels like they’re watching the world burn before their very eyes.

CANDY “Football”

On the complete other end of the musical spectrum, we’ve been blasting this 58-second absolute skullcrusher by hardcore genre-pushers CANDY. “Football” is less than a minute of utter fucking brutal chaos, and yet doesn’t fall into the trappings of many other grind-adjacent groups. This track manages to address so many different sonic ideas in such a short time period that we are considering asking the band how they retain such maximal efficiency while melting our faces off.

The Voidz “Square Wave”

The Voidz, fronted by Julian Casablancas, recently released a full-length album titled “Like All Before You.” Our pick from that tracklist is “Square Wave,” a jangly, lowkey indie groove with some delightfully odd vocal effects that kind of make us wish Julian had been on more Daft Punk songs. Play this one during your 2014 tumblr themed Halloween party.

Helvetets Port “Black Knight”

Swedish metal band Helvetets Port appear to have actually created a time machine to transport themselves to 1986, because man, “Black Knight” is so precisely of the era that we genuinely thought we were listening to our dad’s tapes for a second there. If you’ve missed the feeling of listening to some good ol’ traditional metal while drinking a beer on a folding chair in your garage, we’ve got the guys for you.

Special Interest “Nothing Grows Here”

Special Interest hails from the New Orleans DIY scene, and they are always making some genre-blending exciting shit. “Nothing Grows Here” is a techno-punk rager that is somehow both at home in a deleted scene from a Blade movie and in the playlist that your coolest friend updates literally every day. Catch them on tour if you want to experience the midpoint between Machine Girl and Soul Glo, and then have your mind exploded.

The Armed “NEW! Christianity”

Detroit natives The Armed have been consistently cranking out new and confusing (non-derogatory) work since their debut nearly 15 years ago. “NEW! Christianity” combines dreamy vocals, gritty screams, double bass pedal, and sparkling synths in some sort of unholy (again, non-derogatory) fusion that is leaving us hitting play for the dozenth time to just get a grip on everything happening here. That’s a rare feat and boy, we are hooked.

We know you’re not about to spend a whole day by yourself without the constant distraction of music, so be sure to save the playlist on Spotify and keep any thoughts from your head for over 13 hours.

And if you want to avoid another Ska Week, sign up for our Patreon to vote for the next victim.

Score: This Woman Just Met Her Weekly Number of Recommended Drinks in One Night

Posted on by Dom Turek

Meet Lisa Bergeron, when her primary care physician told her the weekly recommended number of drinks for a woman her size was between five and seven beverages, she knew could more than double those numbers in a single bottomless mimosa brunch sitting.

Not usually one to go above and beyond the call of duty in terms of school, work, or diet she consistently supersedes expectations when it comes to her drinking habits. If she’s not drinking enough frozen margaritas to ride a mechanical bull despite a recent concussion from her last disastrous night on the town, she’s not living up to her full potential and has resigned herself to a shadow life.

Doctors are quick to tell you the risks of consuming too much alcohol, but only really good doctors tell you the risks of not consuming enough alcohol. Would you rather have a failing liver or a failing social life? Decreased brain activity or decreased invitations to parties? A low sperm count or a low number of friends? I think the answers to these questions are pretty obvious.

Don’t get me wrong. Drinking the average number of drinks per week is fine as long as you’re fine with being average, just as studying an average amount of time is okay if you’re okay with being of average intelligence, but some people aren’t satisfied with mediocrity.

Contrary to popular opinion, moderation isn’t always key. If a doctor recommended that you exercise two times a week and he found out you were secretly exercising four times a week, he would be proud. Let’s take that a step further. If he found out you exercised every single day and even started neglecting your friends, family members, and hobbies to devote your life entirely to exercise, he would be ecstatic and probably induct you into some kind of health hall of fame. Why shouldn’t the same rules apply to drinking?

These same people who preach moderation and can’t mind their own business always express the importance of hydration whenever the subject of binge drinking enters the conversation, but Lisa gets more than enough water at that crucial point in the night when the concerned bartender secretly starts feeding her shots of water instead Don Julio Blanco.

Photo by Alice Phillips.

Man Wishes He Was Dumb Enough to Be Happy All the Time

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MINNEAPOLIS — Local highly-observant man Gavin Wells recently started to sincerely wish he was dumb enough to experience genuine happiness, multiple friends confirmed.

“Every day I’m having anxiety attacks from the endless stream of news about mass shootings, Moms For Liberty, and old high school acquaintances trying to trick me into crypto schemes. But I had an epiphany while I was doom scrolling: were I just 10 or 15 IQ points dumber, I might lack the media literacy and common sense to know everything’s fucked,” said Wells. “I’d be so much happier if I liked Top 40 radio and commented on pictures of Instagram models like I had a chance with them. Would it have killed my mom to smoke or drink for a few weeks while I was in utero?”

While most of Wells’ friends encouraged him to not be so hard on himself, others suggested he put the world’s problems out of his mind.

“Gav’s issue is that he needs to just flat out ignore negativity at all costs. The other day he was telling me about how stressed he was over Putin plotting to take over Ukraine, and I was like wait, the guy who’s friends with Steven Segal? Being out of the loop kicks ass, I’m out here living my best life,” said Allen Pierson. “I think all that college learning he did rewired his brain to think too critically. I literally just look at Minions memes all day, those little dudes are hysterical. And if you need someone to quote Ace Ventura with, I’m your guy.”

Researchers who’ve spent decades studying the correlation between intelligence and mood noted the data all pointed to one conclusion.

“There already existed anecdotal evidence that people with lower intelligence were generally happier, and they were referred to as ‘village idiots.’ Today though, willful stupidity is running rampant,” said cultural anthropologist Bryce Townsend. “I mean we’d all love to exist in a frame of mind thinking trickle-down economics works and Vin Diesel is a good actor, but this is the same thinking pattern of people who aren’t alarmed when it’s 70 degrees in January. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous of them, because collecting data on the downfall of society is depressing as hell.”

Wells was reportedly in better spirits after finding that he could replicate the feeling of perpetual blissful ignorance by listening to Theo Vonn podcasts while huffing paint.

How To Support Your Friend During Their Raw Denim Phase

Posted on by Carson Kile

You knew this was going to happen. You saw the signs, you were aware of the risks. You found the “sea salt” scented body washes, you watched them linger in the brimmed hat section of the department store, you witnessed the switch from Camels to American Spirits. And now, as you listen to them talk about how they wore their jeans in a hot bath to have them “form to their legs,” your greatest fears have been realized. Your friend is in their “raw denim” phase.

The best thing to do in this situation is not to panic, or try to “fix” them. Now more than ever, your friend needs your help. As someone who has seen a few friends lose their footing and slide into the deep end of the un-sanforized abyss, here are a few tips to support your friend during their raw denim phase.

1. Constantly reassure them their jeans look good.

Within a month of wearing stinky, dirty jeans, your friend will inevitably come up to you and point out barely visible creases in inconspicuous places on their legs: behind the knees, the crotch, the back pocket where they’ve shoved an unopened Copenhagen tin. At this point, make sure to use affirming language, like: “Yes, your ‘honeycombs’ ARE looking totally sweet,” and “Your ‘whiskers’ ARE the perfect size! No, no, the really big ones scare me, promise!”

2. Take the odor situation into your own hands.

Your friend will surely be wearing the jeans every day while refusing to wash them, and pretty soon there will be a sweaty, pungent elephant in the room that will become impossible to ignore. Your friend has become absolutely nose-blind to this powerful musk, so the best thing to do is wait until they’ve fallen asleep whacking off to “Fade of the Day” forums all night and spraying Lysol in the jeans yourself, and maybe even on your disgusting friend too, for good measure.

3. Create a routine.

Raw denim hobbyists can sometimes find it overwhelming to be a functioning member of society. I mean, these are the same types of people who cringe at the idea of having to wash your clothes. So, creating a routine can simplify life for them. Every morning, have them bust out 10 deep squats with the pants on, put on their bolo tie, and kiss the framed picture of James Dean on their wall before heading out. This removes any critical thinking from their daily life that could overheat their brain or cause them to second-guess their life choices.

Raw denim is a phenomenon that captures the hearts of millions of quarter-lifers every year who want to cosplay as a 1950s greaser, so just know that there are plenty of others who are empathetic to your situation. Remember, this little obsession will pale in comparison to their inevitable cowboy boot phase, so enjoy it while it lasts.

Modern Day Country Singer Visits Folsom Prison to Advocate for Harsher Sentencing

Posted on by Matt Husser

FOLSOM, Calif. — Country singer Carlson Swagger brought his cowboy bootlickin’ brand of lawful country music to Folsom Prison today where he performed only for law enforcement while advocating for harsher sentencing for the prisoners, sources confirmed.

“Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone except the criminal scum who deserve to rot behind bars, who’s ready for some law abidin’ tunes from the heartland? Johnny Cash once visited this very stage with his brand of outlaw country, but I’m here for something a little different: the red, the white, and to back the blue,” shouted Swagger, before breaking into his hit song “I Walk the Thin Blue Line.” “But before I get out of here, I wanna dedicate my next song to all the hardworking Americans busting their asses every day to raise the mandatory minimums for misdemeanor drug possession and keep our prisons full—you’re the real heroes. This one’s called ‘Do the Petty Crime, Serve the Max Time.’”

Clarence Daniels, a prisoner serving a life sentence at Folsom Prison, recalled how Swagger’s performance deviated from the legendary concert performed by Johnny Cash.

“When they canceled our time in the yard because this Swagger fella was coming through I had high hopes we’d enjoy another great show like Mr. Cash put on in ‘68, but I knew we were in for a long day when he started singing ‘I like my convicts like my KFC: extra crispy,’” said Daniels, recalling what he could hear through the cell walls. “I didn’t get to leave my cell all day, then the guards came back wearing concert t-shirts all singing some bullshit love song called ‘Sweet Little Miss Demeanor Ain’t Walkin’ the Streets No More.’”

Meanwhile, prison guard Stephen Capella proclaimed that he thoroughly enjoyed the show, and was still humming catchy lyrics like “I falsified the evidence, just to watch a criminal fry” hours later.

“You know it’s always ‘Fuck the Police’ with these musicians types, but nobody writes songs celebrating the vital role that prison guards play in society. Thankfully, Swagger really captured the pure joy you get from dragging a convict to solitary confinement with ‘Folsom Prison Screws,’” said Capella, admiring his autographed baton. “Not only that, he generously agreed to donate a percentage of his album sales to lobby for more prison beds for non-violent offenders in Sacramento County!”

At press time, the Texas Department of Criminal Justice had announced that Swagger would headline their next death row execution.