When I grew up, Halloween was the most magical night of the year. You put on costumes, decorate houses in spider webs, and the best part of all, trick or treating. There’s no greater joy than collecting candy from everyone in the neighborhood and figuring out which ones have the razorblades in them. As a Halloween-loving adult and local creep I’ve taken upon myself to make sure kids have the same experience as I did. Sadly, however, every year I find it more difficult to put the razorblades in.
I don’t get it. It used to be so simple to unwrap a candy bar, empty out the nougat, insert the blade, and wrap it back up. Now things are different. You can thank shrinkflation for that.
Candy gets gradually smaller every year so you won’t notice. Razorblades meanwhile stay the same size. I tried putting one in a Snickers Bar last night and it jutted out. No way that’ll pass their parents’ inspections. As a member of the Dollar Shave Club, I asked them for tinier “fun-sized” blades but they offered no help. It didn’t used to be like that. When I first started putting razors in candy a Snickers could hold two or three of them.
Of course, there is always the good idea “Why doesn’t Nestle just make candy with the razorblades already inside?” The answer is a definite NO as tampering with the candy is the majority of the fun. Would you buy eggs for Easter that are already dyed? Would you buy a Christmas tree with the ornaments already hung?
I’ll never forget my Halloween in third grade when one of my neighbors gave each kid a big box of Milk Duds. When I stuck my hand in to reach for one my fingers got snagged by a mousetrap. You can’t create memories like that anymore. If I could’ve figured out which house did that, I would track that neighbor down and shake their hand with my still scarred digits. The razors were so much fun to get as well of course. When my brother and I would spit them out like cherry pits. By November we’d start gluing them together to make Thanksgiving centerpieces.
The point is, we need to stop letting candy corporations take away our classic tradition. I speak this for the kids, the parents, and all of us weirdos out there.
The restaurant industry is murder. Despite being one of the world’s most famous chefs, catering to the most elite diners on Earth, the shaky market in combination with his commitment to total perfectionism puts Chef Slowik’s finances in a constant state of flux. One minute he’s worth 20 million, the next he’s in debt for 30. He makes the list, but barely. What a frustrating spot to be in. It’s enough to make a man want to… oh right, he did.
While preparing food is a financial dead end, providing high-grade meat has never been more profitable! These days you can sell your steaks at whatever price you want and not only will people chalk it up to inflation, but they’ll be too pot-commited with their purchase to ask questions like “Wait, isn’t this just some guy’s spleen?” Estimated net worth, is $6.5 million, and countless human tongues.
Motels aren’t the most profitable industry, but Norman and his “mother” have maximized profits by cornering the “desperate woman in trouble who just stole a bunch of money” market. Come for the comfy bed and discretion, stay because you’ve been unalived in the shower. Current net worth, 8 million dollars.
We know what you’re thinking, “How the hell does Jason make money?” It’s a fair question. At one point in the sequels, someone offers him their wallet hoping he’ll go away and he doesn’t even grab it after he kills them. The man is not financially savvy, but he is the benefactor of a major lawsuit against the owners of Camp Crystal Lake back in 1957. He got a cool 10 million in damages and since he lives in a shack eating squirrels he still has every penny.
If you want to know how much money you can make as a New York slumlord, just look at our former President. Or, take a peek at Mommy and Daddy’s portfolio! By maximizing occupancy they’ve managed to turn a single property into a cash cow, allowing them to donate millions to conservative organizations like The Heritage Foundation and afford leather gear that would make the Cenobites jealous. Current net worth, 11 million dollars.
On Halloween night of 1963, Michael Myers murdered his sister. He was confined to Smith’s Grove Sanitarium, where he didn’t speak for 15 years. Do you know how much money that much completely ineffective mental health care costs?! Why do you think he’s always trying to kill his other sister? Michael wants to be the sole heir to the Myers family fortune. As it stands he’s worth a cool 12 million.
When you think of the Sawyer family from “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” you don’t necessarily think of enormous wealth, but that’s all part of their salt-of-the-earth cannibal brand. They’re sort of the Duck Dynasty of the horror world. From their humble beginnings with a lone gas station/BBQ stand in rural Texas, the Sawyers have built a culinary empire. Surprised? Well, recognizing their original branding had been tarnished by a series of widely publicized murders, the Sawyers now operate a major chain from behind the scenes. We can’t legally tell you which one, but let’s just say it rhymes with Bission Marbeque. Turns out BBQ is highly profitable when you source your meat exclusively from jackass young people poking their noses where they don’t belong! Leatherface’s current net worth, 17 million dollars.
In case the giant fur coat didn’t tell you, he is a Candyman of means and fine upbringing. Candyman has maintained his fortune throughout the decades by meticulously keeping his brand relevant and in the public conversation through a series of murders. Say his name in a mirror 5 times and you’ll see a man who can buy and sell your ass 20 times over. Currently, his net worth is somewhere around 18 million dollars, and that’s not including bees.
Ancient stuff is worth insane amounts of money, and The Mummy IS ancient stuff. How does he get himself liquid? Simple. He sells himself to private collectors and then murders them. It’s the financial equivalent of a perpetual motion machine! Current net worth, 26 million dollars. For that much money, you can suck out my organs with a straw any day!
Any CEO worth their human sushi plate knows it’s important to show the public you believe in your company’s product. You won’t catch Elon Musk tooling around in a BMW or Jeff Bezoz ordering shit off Temu. The Chuckster, however, takes things a step further. He doesn’t just use the product, he IS the product! If serial killer Charles Lee Ray didn’t believe that his line of Good Guy dolls weren’t the most superior dolls on the market, would he have transferred his soul to one? Enjoy your skin-suit Hasbro CEO Christian P. Cocks, meanwhile, Chucky is laughing all the way to the bank with an estimated 25 million dollars, minus a 2 million dollar contribution to the Trump campaign.
Before he was arrested for being a murderous cannibal, Lecter was one of the world’s top psychiatrists, with a client list comprised of almost exclusively blue bloods. After he was arrested the money really started pouring in. Private consultants make a killing in any industry, and the more niche they are the more they can charge. As the FBI’s sole serial killing consultant, Lecter has managed to keep his cell well padded. He’s worth somewhere in the ballpark of 40 million dollars. How much has he donated to Trump? Zero. That’s right, he lives in that man’s head rent-free.
We owe him $65,000 just for mentioning him. Current net worth, 30 million dollars.
If you were alive in the ’80s and ’90s and lived anywhere besides a nightmare-proof cave, you know that Freddy Krueger is one of the most marketing-forward serial murderers of all time. You couldn’t walk into a store without seeing something with his burned, sinister face on it. Posters, lunch boxes, a TV show, the sky was the limit for the Fred man. Legend had it that if you saw his t-shirts in your dreams, you had to buy them for real. He’s not very active these days, but at a net worth of $150,000,000, he’s earned a little R&R.
Call him cruel, call him sadistic, just don’t call him strapped for cash! Prince Prospero has been quarantining since the plague and he’s still doing just fine, throwing the most decadent and hedonistic balls in all of Europe. How did he ascertain such immense wealth? The same way Rupert Murdoch and William Randolph Hearst did it—by making a pact with Satan. Current net worth, $480,000,000 in cursed gold bullion.
The Lep is a shrewd and formidable business mogul who follows the old school tried and true motto of all conservative wealth hoarders—bury your gold. He’s got a whole cauldron full of the stuff but if just one piece goes missing he literally goes berzerk and kills everyone. That’s the kind of hustle they don’t teach at hustle school, though aspiring entrepreneurs should definitely still sign up for our hustle school. Estimated net worth, $500,000,000 in magical gold coin and some crypto.
Patrick was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, but he spit it out and said “I want better.” This investment-savvy executive’s heavy grind has brought him up from the trenches of the top of New York finance all the way to the VERY top of New York finance, and if someone outpaces him he just kills them and assumes their identity. That’s a masterclass in re-branding. Estimated net worth $600,000,000 minus several video store late fees.
We all know how expensive it is just to go to the opera, imagine how loaded you need to be to live at one AND have an elaborately decorated canal tunnel installed leading to the world’s bougiest BDSM parlor. The candle budget alone would put most of us in the poor house, but not The Phantom. Current net worth, $800,000,000 in Andrew Loyd Webber money.
Hunting man for sport has long been a favorite pastime of the ultra-rich. You know you’ve arrived when you get an invite to Mark Zuckerberg’s Hawaiian hobo-preserve. That being said, Predator truly takes things to the next level. With his shoulder-mounted auto-aim laser canon, invisibility, and nuclear weapon contingency gauntlet, his prey, ordinary and often defenseless human beings, doesn’t stand a chance. Estimated net worth, 500,000 human skulls, which on his home world is equivalent to like a billion dollars we think.
This one gets a little murky, as individually the members of society are nothing to write home about. Four million here, six million there, some attractive L.A real estate but nothing worthy of this list. But when the lights go off and they get down to fucking, they become one super individual with a net work of 2.6 billion dollars. Not bad for a bunch of pink slimey buttheads.
With centuries of time to mature his investments, the Count has been able to accumulate obscene levels of wealth. Think about it, how does every Dracula adaptation start? With Count Dracula purchasing a castle IN a castle he already owns. That’s baller, and that doesn’t even include the backend he gets from said adaptations. Dracula is the single wealthiest man on the planet, and if you look around at the world we live in, that actually makes a lot of sense.
