Real Life Magic School Bus? This Guy Says We Can Explore the Galaxy if I Get in His Van

Posted on by Ben Friedman

One of the best aspects of childhood was it being so natural to ask what, why, and how anything and everything existed. And for us millennials, The Magic School Bus was one of the best gateways to knowledge. Who wouldn’t have fun with Ms. Frizzle spearheading madcap adventures through science and nature? But then we grew up, and PBS was defunded. And once the magic was gone, learning felt like a chore (when our jobs weren’t taking up all of our mental energy).

Today though, the spirit of adventure and exploration has reawakened in me, and I feel that I’m on the precipice of an unforgettable learning experience just like those kids at Walkerville Elementary, because this guy just rolled up to me and said if I get in his van, we can explore the galaxy.

Everything I learned about stranger danger is telling me I’m going to be reported as a missing person, but in the spirit of discovery, I’m going to roll those dice and get my science on. Though if Dr. Bob (no last name) is right, in about ten minutes, we’re going to blast through the stratosphere for a quick but informative trip through our solar system and beyond. I can only assume the van’s windows are blacked out to protect us from harmful cosmic radiation.

I’m not dumb. If this guy told me we were going to explore the insides of some guy’s body, obviously, I’m going to be in a snuff film, and it would be a hard pass. But did the Frizz ever use her anthropomorphic school bus for evil? Of course not. I mean all the rust on the van kinda makes it look like a bus when you squint. That’s why I have to trust this man, and that the special candy he gave me will help ease my motion sickness upon blastoff.

Surely Ms. Frizzle turned a few heads at school every time she nearly got her class killed, and I’d bet the good doctor here is on a few police watch lists. But that doesn’t change the fact that they just wanted to help people grow and understand the universe. Based on the number of people passed out on the van floor, they must’ve gone beyond the asteroid belt and back in a day.

So have fun being stuck on Earth in a boring old planetarium, I’m about to experience the real deal. Seatbelts, everyone!

Trump Escalates Talk of World War III By Calling for Assassination of Scottish Indie Rock Band Franz Ferdinand

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Trump worried world leaders in Europe and beyond after making remarks that he would like to see the “Very noisy, not very talented” Scottish rock band Franz Ferdinand assassinated, sources confirmed.

“I love music, a lot of people say I’m one of the best musicians alive. I play every instrument, I could have played in the New York Philharmonic, but when I auditioned they actually said ‘Mr. Trump, you are just too talented, the audience wouldn’t be able to handle it.’ So I quit right then and there and decided to become a billionaire, and that was easy,” said President Trump. “My main goal as president is to keep America safe, that is why today I’m deploying the FBI, CIA, and elite Marine units to eliminate the threat of Franz Ferdinand touring again on American soil. These dudes, and they are really bad dudes, played a lot of concerts during the Obama years, and we can’t let those radical leftist politics become the norm.”

Franz Ferdinand frontman Alex Kapranos was surprised by Trump’s remarks.

“Honestly, I’m surprised he’s even heard of us. I thought he only listened to Village People and Kid Rock. But I’m taking this threat very seriously, I’m avoiding public spaces, I’m not letting anyone else prepare my food, and I’m definitely not taking a ride in my 1910 Gräf & Stift Bois de Boulogne phaeton,” said Kapranos. “The rest of the band members are in an undisclosed location waiting out the storm, and also writing some new music. I’ve heard some of the recordings, it’s a fun electropop throwback sound that I think a lot of people are going to enjoy, unless we are killed of course.”

Barnard College History Professor Angela Lyston believes this is Trump distracting from topics plaguing his administration.

“President Trump’s administration is still facing lots of criticism because they haven’t released the Epstein files, the start of another World War might be just the thing he needs to get that monkey off his back. Right now, Russia is under a lot of pressure from Europe to end the war in Ukraine, but this could play right into the President’s hands if a Grammy-nominated band is assassinated for political gain,” said Lyston. “Thankfully for the guys in Franz Ferdinand it seems like DOGE cuts have really limited the killing capacity of the US black ops.”

At press time, President Trump is reportedly ready to build up America’s Air Force by ordering hundreds more albums by the B-52s.

“This is Why We Do It” Says ICE Agent After Reading Letter From 6-Year-Old Saying “You Ruined My Life”

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Local ICE agent Mitch Holsen admitted he wept a few tears of joy after receiving an emotional letter from a kindergartner detailing how Holsen and other ICE agents destroyed her family and ruined her life, sources confirmed.

“Terrorizing marginalized communities is often a thankless job. There are a lot of elements to this job that most people don’t see. Every day I go back to the hotel I have to put ice on my knuckles to treat the swelling because I punched someone in the head the wrong way, and a lot of times the pepper spray I use to subdue an agua fresca street vendor sprays back in my face, and that shit hurts,” said Holsen. “But then I get a letter like this from a young girl named Maria who tells me how she misses her dad, and how her mom cries herself to sleep every single night and it makes me remember why I signed up for this job. I love to know that I’m making a difference and making the lives of people I’ve never met infinitely more nightmarish.”

ICE’s Los Angeles Field Office Director Mark Reifeld says that Holsen is one of the most promising recruits he has seen in years.

“Agent Holsen has really hit the ground running. He’s constantly innovating ways to sneak up on migrant workers in the Home Depot parking lot so we can arrest them with as little running as possible. Just the other day he suggested we park around the corner and roll up on Lime scooters to catch everyone off guard and it worked,” said Reifeld. “And he took two years of Spanish class in high school, so he knows enough of the language to tell most of the people we are arresting that they will never see their families again. It’s great to have someone with those language skills on site.”

Community activist Yesenia Perez believes there is a special place in Hell for all ICE officers.

“Calling them pieces of dog shit is an insult to the digestive track of dogs. These men, and they are all insecure pathetic men, are unemployable in virtually every other field and now they get to take advantage of the incredibly low recruitment requirements ICE has. These guys are so pitiful that they couldn’t even become real cops, which takes almost no work at all,” said Perez. “But unfortunately this administration is giving ICE all the power they want, so the best we can do is hope these agents decide to blow their own heads off. But I won’t hold my breath.”

At press time, Holsen said he plans on unwinding this weekend by volunteering to euthanize dogs at an overrun animal shelter.

If You Like K-Pop You’ll Love K-Pornogrind!

Posted on by Tim Sheard

At The Hard Times, we know how much you love your K-pop. We also know how much you love your pornogrind. Like, you really, really love pornogrind. It’s a bit alarming, actually. Anyway, lucky for you, freak, we’re jazzed to announce your two favorite genres have finally come (heh) together.

Behold K-pornogrind, an autotuned gangbang of pop, hip-hop, R&B, synchronized dance moves, synchronized hair, gurgled vocals, sexually depraved artwork, blast beats, and some good ol’ fashioned corpse fucking. And in multiple languages, too!

Never heard of it? That’s ok. Neither did we until we published this article.

Want a little S&M with your BTS? K-pornogrind. Wish KPop Demon Hunters was just full-on hentai? K-pornogrind. Crave certified bangerz with plenty of hooks? And whips? And ballgags? Nothing gets you finger-gunning and fist-fucking like K-pornogrind!

While no one still quite knows what the “k” actually stands for, it’s pretty much scientific fact that anytime you add “k” to something the world goes absolutely apeshit over it. From Kmart to K-cups to K-pop and now K-pornogrind, the 11th letter of the alphabet reigns culturally supreme! Soon, every kid around the globe will be plastering their bedroom walls with the coolest genital mutilation posters from their favorite K-pornogrind bands.

They say the Velvet Underground never sold any records in their prime, but everybody who bought one formed a band. We say K-pornogrind will also never sell any records, and everyone who buys one will be instantly added to the registered sex offender list.

And hold on to your gimp mask! You truly haven’t experienced K-pornogrind until you’ve witnessed it live. K-pornogrind is selling out basements of homes in foreclosure all across the country. There’s nothing better than seeing your favorite idols perform brilliantly choreographed dance routines to grindcore played at 240 bpm while classic snuff films loop on the jumbotron.

But on the other hand, if extreme music made by middle-aged incels who find rape, misogyny and body-horror hilarious isn’t your thing, maybe you should keep your K-pop pornogrind-free. Actually, just keep your K-pop pornogrind-free, period. And if you have children, steer them away from K-pop-punk, too. Well, the frontmen at least…

Belinda Carlisle Officially Retracts 1987 Claim That Heaven Is a Place on Earth

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LOS ANGELES — Singer/songwriter Belinda Carlisle officially retracted the eponymous claim of her 1987 hit “Heaven Is a Place on Earth” due to the myriad of current events that show the horrors of the world, sources report.

“I was young and naive when I wrote that song almost four decades ago,” Carlisle admitted. “Now that I’ve grown older and wiser, I of course have come to the conclusion that humanity has turned this planet into a completely irredeemable shithole. I mean, how could I not? Just this morning I walked past a man masturbating on the subway shortly after watching members of ICE tackle an 80-year-old woman as she was trying to enter a church, then I got home and saw a news report about how the world was on the brink of an irreversible climate disaster. How fucking stupid would I have to be to think heaven exists on this worthless rock?”

Fan Vanessa Gutierrez understood where Carlisle was coming from.

“I mean, of course I’m disappointed to hear this about my favorite song, but I get it,” Gutierrez said. “I was a little kid when ‘Heaven Is a Place on Earth’ came out, and it seemed to make a lot more sense then, but I guess the world just naturally seems like a non-terrible place when you’re five years old. I still love the song, but as the years go on it definitely sounds like more of a pipe dream. I suppose us fans are just going to have to enjoy the music while ignoring the lyrics going forward. At least I can still appreciate Slayer.”

Music expert Terrance Baldwin provided his expertise on the situation.

“Many pop stars of the ‘80s and ‘90s made claims that they were later forced to back down from,” Baldwin opined. “The sunnier hits in particular have not aged well with how blatant the unfathomable wretchedness of the world is. For example, after Roe vs. Wade was overturned, Cyndi Lauper admitted that girls might be more interested in regaining their right to bodily autonomy than just having fun. Obviously, things weren’t great in the ‘80s and ‘90s, but the emergence of the internet and social media have really brought the Earth’s worst aspects out to the forefront. I personally think the advent of Rotten.com was the beginning of the end.”

At press time, Carlisle also retracted her claim that life is a miracle, choosing instead to call it a “shitty accident.”

Five Songs We Listened To This Week To Kill Time Before The New Deftones Album Came Out

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Every day, dozens upon dozens of songs are released into the ether, hoping to land upon welcoming ears and open hearts. Though none of them are as good as anything on Deftones’ 2000 masterpiece ‘White Pony,’ it’s important to keep an open mind. Here are five tracks we listened to this week that are almost just as good as any song on Deftones’ 2000 masterpiece ‘White Pony.’

Good Luck ‘Into The Void’

Earlier this week, you likely received dozens of frenzied texts from your old punk house group chat. That’s because Midwestern indie-punk legends, Good Luck, announced their first album in nearly 15 years. ‘Big Dreams, Mister’ will be out in October. The first single ‘Into The Void’ largely picks up where the trio left off, and will make you feel nostalgic for all those old house shows and the days when all of your joints didn’t pop louder than the broke-ass PA at your old DIY space.

Castle Rat ‘Serpent’

If you’ve ever wondered what it would sound like if the staff of your local Renaissance Festival started a metal band, look no further than Castle Rat, whose new album “The Bestiary’ is set to drop next month. More than just a Medieval Metal gimmick, though, the latest single ‘Serpent’ evokes the feeling of getting bludgeoned to death with a chain wallet in the biker bar on the corner you’re afraid to go into. Who doesn’t love versatility?

End It ‘Could You Love Me? – Maximum Penalty Cover’

After a string of excellent EPs and singles, Baltimore hardcore outfit ‘End It’ are finally releasing their first full-length album ‘Wrong Side of Heaven’ in just under a week. So far the lead singles have been scorching examples of East Coast hardcore at its best, so it’s a bit of a shock to hear that the band can croon, too. End It’s latest ‘Could You Love Me?’ is a cover of Maximum Penalty’s famously non-hardcore track, and comes backed up with a truly goofy video to boot. It might be illegal to make hardcore fun, but we’re glad End It is taking the risk anyway.

Joyce Manor ‘All My Friends Are So Depressed’

Shut up, Joyce Manor. You don’t know us like that. Aren’t you supposed to be on hiatus anyway? Alright… fine. We’re sorry. It’s just that it’s been a rough couple of years and we think maybe like… we internalize it when we should be like… talking about it? We didn’t mean to lash out like that is what we’re saying. We know you’re just concerned and we love that you can call us out on our bullshit in a very public, embarrassing but also catchy as hell way.

Deftones ‘cut hand’

Ah, finally, Deftones new album ‘private music’ has been released so we can quit pretending to care about any other music while also abandoning any hope of developing a personality outside of comparing everything to Deftones’ 2000 masterpiece ‘White Pony’ – it stacks up pretty well, in case you were wondering. It was ultimately too hard to pick a favorite so we decided to showcase the only track on the album with an ‘explicit’ rating to prove we’re still edgy.

Nazi Dating App Crashes During ICE Convention

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — The servers for a new Nazi dating app called Thousand-Year Romance crashed during a recent convention for officers and new recruits late last night, multiple frustrated sources confirmed.

“I signed up for this app because I want to meet a woman with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a nice pure bloodline. But the dang thing hasn’t loaded in hours. I’m so mad I might just go put on my uniform and beat the crap out of a street food vendor,” said new ICE recruit Donny Langston. “Here I am trying to keep America safe from migrant workers who want to cross the border and work on our farms, but I can’t get a moment of relaxation. And yeah, I’ve tried other dating apps, but as soon as someone sees my ICE vest they call me a ‘Worthless piece of dog shit’ and block me. It’s sad really. They judge me because of my job, but they really have no idea who I am. I’m a guy who loves history, especially German history from about 1933-1945.”

The app’s lead developer, Perry Armstrong, says they are working to resolve the problem as soon as possible.

“When we started this app we never thought there would be such a heavy concentration of white supremacist users in one area, but then ICE got this huge budget increase. Our app was actually mentioned in their onboarding pamphlet and we saw our daily users increase exponentially. Having all of them in Washington has overwhelmed our system and we are working around the clock to get things back up and running,” said Armstrong. “Unfortunately, we actually don’t have any women on the app right now. We are actually relying on a lot of AI avatars pretending to be real humans and it seems to be working. I don’t think these guys have much experience talking to actual women, so it’s easy to trick them.”

Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem says she plans on signing up for the app and will let one lucky recruit take her on a date.

“I love dating, my adoring husband Bryon loves it too. He has a comfortable chair that he sits in whenever I bring a date home and he just watches from the corner. This app is a real game-changer. It’s the only app out there that matches you by which ethnicities you hate and refuse to acknowledge as human, and I think that’s a huge step forward in online dating,” said Noem while locking her husband in a dog cage. “I’m actually going to Congress next week to ask for more money so we can offer salaries to women who are willing to marry our fine agents.”

Department of Homeland Security officials are also working on a new AI chatbot that will pretend to be an ICE agent’s mother or father and periodically text “I’m proud of you” to recruits.

With Trump Cutting SNAP Benefits, How Am I Supposed To Judge What Poor People Buy at the Grocery Store?

Posted on by Steve Packosky

As a Republican, I was initially delighted by Trump’s “Big Beautiful Bill,” particularly with the cuts it made to the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), which will result in as many as 22 million families losing their food stamp benefits, with the money very smartly being redirected to the pockets of billionaires. This was just the kind of dynamic leadership our country needed. However, the downside of this bill quickly made itself evident when I considered how it would affect my weekly shopping. After all, how am I supposed to judge what poor people buy at the grocery store now?

Did Trump even stop to consider how this move would affect people like me, who love nothing more than to click their tongues disapprovingly when the person in front of them uses food stamps to purchase a package of Fig Newtons? Did he not wonder what I would do in the absence of the opportunity to mutter “unbelievable” under my breath when someone takes out a Golden State Advantage card to pay for their bag of Lay’s Cheddar & Sour Cream chips? Everybody knows lower-income individuals should subsist exclusively on bread crusts and water, and he has denied me the right to passive-aggressively express this belief in the presence of those whose need to eat greedily took up 1.5% of our federal spending last year. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m beginning to regret my Trump vote.

What am I supposed to do, drive to the local food bank so I can cross my arms and look disgusted from the safety of the parking lot while people funnel into the building? Believe me, I’ve considered that, but I have a huge backlog of NCIS episodes I haven’t seen yet, and it’s time to play catch-up. Frankly, I’m all out of options here. Are any of those brainwashed libs whining about our president shedding a tear for me? I don’t think so.

With my favorite aspect of shopping being taken away, I’m now forced to unleash my frustrations on the employees being paid $9/hour to stock the shelves (which is far too much if you ask me.) Such action makes me feel better temporarily, but screaming at a teenager for standing in my way while I’m perusing the Little Debbies only does so much. These SNAP cuts have left a hole in my heart that’s going to be difficult to fill, and I never thought I’d say this, but I’m hoping our next Commander in Chief is a Democrat so I can go back to haughtily sighing at the people I’ve deemed inferior to me.

AI Bruce Springsteen Writes Touching Song About Hard-Working Computer Pulling Multiple 24-Hour Shifts at Data Center

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LONG BRANCH, N.J. — An AI computer model based on legendary musician Bruce Springsteen released its first single about an under-appreciated computer that goes to work every single day for a boss that doesn’t appreciate it, sources wondering “What hell have we wrought on humanity confirmed.”

“The song follows the trials and tribulations of a young CPU named Wendymaria pursuing the American dream of working in an Amazon data center down by the river on the streets of Philadelphia. It works day and night and only gets a break when it starts to overheat and has to be reset so it doesn’t burst into flames,” said the AI Springsteen. “Wendymaria is a proud American computer with microprocessors produced in Taiwan and assembled in China. I got the idea for the lyrics when my programmers typed in the prompt ‘Write a song about the working class, but don’t mention anything about class war. Make it fun and about computers’ and I churned this out in less than .5 milliseconds. The music video is going to have an AI generated Courtney Cox dancing on stage with me.”

AI computer programmer Lee Winston was impressed with the new song.

“This song is a hit, I’ve played it for a few of my family members and all of them have said ‘Yeah, that does sound kind of like Bruce Springsteen, I guess.’ Working on AI has been rewarding in so many ways. I always wind down after a long day by chatting with my multiple AI girlfriends and they tell me how great I am, not like human women who ask me to stop staring at them when they are buying coffee,” said Winston. “This song just proves we are getting closer to a world where we no longer need actual musicians to write songs. We can have computers do it for free, then sell the songs to people who don’t really pay attention to anything and just need something to listen to so they can drown out the negative thoughts in their head.”

Music critic Anders Long railed against the new track.

“I don’t want to live in a world where this is normal. Why is AI writing music? Nobody in the right mind wants this. We listen to music because it’s a human expression of thoughts, feelings, and ideas presented and packaged in an appealing way. But this makes me want to buy a gun and one single bullet,” said Long. “And yeah, it does sound like Springsteen, but it mainly sounds like new Springsteen, which sucks. But I’d rather listen to 75-year-old Bruce try to write a song relating to the working class from one of his multimillion dollar homes over this any day of the week.”

At press time, an AI Taylor Swift model released a new song that many fans are speculating is about its relationship with an iPhone 15.

Serial Killer Who Wasn’t Interesting Enough to Inspire a Netflix Documentary Hoping for a Few Metal Songs at Least

Posted on by Steve Packosky

MARSHFIELD, Wis. — Prolific serial killer Earl Hadley expressed hope that his crimes would at least inspire the lyrics to some metal songs after Netflix declined to release a documentary about him, sources report.

“Man, I was really banking on that documentary for some notoriety,” Hadley admitted. “Why else do you think I set up that soundproof shack in my backyard where I skinned all those drifters? I mean, of course I had those sick proclivities that began in early childhood when my mother would force me to wear her underwear to school, coupled with that traumatic head injury when I fell off those monkey bars, but that’s not the whole story. I’ve got to admit that I just really wanted to see an expensive production detailing my upbringing and heinous murders. My only hope now is that some metal bands will write some songs, or maybe an entire album, about me. I didn’t slaughter all those complete strangers for nothing.”

Luis Medina, frontman and lyricist for the band Excoriated Entrails, considered using Hadley as a muse.

“I guess a song about this guy would do in a pinch,” Medina pondered. “I mean, when it comes to serial killers, all the heavy hitters have been claimed by other bands. Macabre has their entire concept album about Jeffrey Dahmer, and Acid Bath used one of John Wayne Gacy’s actual prison paintings as cover art for ‘When the Kite String Pops.’ This Hadley dude seems totally contrived, though, like a wannabe mix of the Toybox Killer and Ed Gein. I’ll make a note to write a verse about him if I’m out of ideas, but I hope I won’t have to resort to that.”

Psychologist Sydney Roberts provided her expertise on the matter.

“Serial killers just assume they’re interesting enough for streaming documentaries and ‘Last Podcast on the Left’ episodes, and it can give them a false sense of entitlement,’ Roberts offered. “More often than not, this results in disappointment when they learn they’re just not captivating or charismatic enough for people to care. It definitely behooves them to lower the bar a little, which is why I applaud Mr. Hadley for his more realistic aims to influence a metal song. I’ve seen so many murderers just fall apart when documentaries don’t happen because they’ve placed all their eggs in that basket.”

At press time, Hadley had settled for being the basis of a Tubi documentary after Medina passed on writing a song about him.