25 Deftones Songs To Discreetly Announce How Uncomfortably Horny You Are To the World

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

It can be difficult to communicate to everyone how horny you are in a way that all parties understand. Gone are the days when you could take a shot of ice-cold Jäger, burp it back in everyone’s face, and say, “Yeah, I’m ready to fuck.”

Thankfully, Chino Moreno exists. No other frontman can yowl and caw in a way that is as erotic as it is melancholy. Armed with an expertly-crafted Deftones-only playlist, you will announce how uncomfortably horny you are to the world–without any of the clumsy small talk or downloading another dating app. Turn up this playlist and wait for the horniest collection of weirdos you’ve ever seen to come crawling to you! (Listen to the playlist, we bet you can’t make it 5 songs without busting, click here)

25. “Hole in the Earth”

As we kick off this list, let’s take a moment to talk about the borderline pornographic cover of “Saturday Night Wrist.” You don’t even have to listen to “Hole in the Earth” to get a sense of how desperate the listener is to paw at the nearest pair of hips. Plus, this song has that throaty singing thing that Chino does when he’s feeling extra spicy, so “Hole in the Earth” is sure to awaken the burbling teenage libido of everyone within earshot. Be careful where and when you play it. You’d hate to accidentally reignite the steroid-fueled loins of your neighborhood MMA gym.

24. “Phantom Bride”

If this song came out in 1991, “Phantom Bride” would’ve been featured in an episode of “Baywatch.” This lusty diddy would’ve played as David Hasselhoff’s character Mitch Buchannon saved a lifeless babe that needed a dreamy single dad to pull her out of six inches of water. And that rare Steph Carpenter solo would be perfect over a montage of bouncing red bathing suits stuffed to the brim with sex meat. We have it on good authority that lifeguards consider “Phantom Bride” the most erotic song ever written by anyone not named Lionel Richie.

23. “Rosemary”

This song is perfect for a late-night drive with your best friend/crush. They’ll hear it and finally realize what a quirky, artistic person you are. They may even see your jaw in the moonlight and think, “Huh. Maybe…” right before they remember your favorite drink is Mountain Dew Code Red which is why your teeth and lips are permanently stained an off-putting shade of pink. If nothing else, maybe you’ll inspire your crush to send a flirty message to their crush after you drop them off. In basketball, that’s what they call an assist, and you’re the John Stockton of sexual intercourse!

It should go without saying, but just in case you don’t know, John Stockton was a legendary professional basketball player that helped many men make love. John’s teammates lauded him for his unrivaled match-making prowess.

22. “My Own Summer (Shove It)”

Once again, I must implore you to see the cover and recognize this song for what it is: an anthem for every person trying to hook up with the hottest girl at the pool. Please play this song and see if they’re feeling your vibe instead of trying to be the lude photographer that gets too handsy during the shoot. Nobody likes that person because they’re creepy and desperate, but everybody likes the person that has a good time playing absolute bangers and doing cannonballs.

21. “Pink Maggit”

Before we get to the erotic nature of this song, let’s take a moment to acknowledge that the real “White Pony” is the one that ends with “Pink Maggit” and not the one that starts with “Back To School (Mini Maggit).” Anyone that says otherwise is a bozo–I’m looking at you, Madonna!

Now, let’s start speaking salaciously. This song has the best of all worlds: Steph Carpenter stoned out of his mind slow-playing his guitar until he catches a nifty mid-paced rhythm. Chino, Abe, Chi, and Frank jump in at just the right time to turn a romantic noodle into a memorable tune perfect for making out in the backseat of a Dodge Neon in 2001.

20. “Teenager”

Moving into the top 20, it’s time for something unassuming and kinda sweet. And who doesn’t like a sensitive, lof-fi song when you’re sitting in the waiting area of a bank with a cute stranger or two? You’re mostly here to see about a small business loan, but arranging some kind of entanglement with one or more of the cutiepies there waiting to refinance their mortgage wouldn’t be too bad, either. The tender sweetness of “Teenager” will let everyone in this Teachers Credit Union know you’re an all-American, next-door type with an awe-shucks smile and a libido cranked to 11.

19. “Prayers/Triangles”

Telling someone you’re a suitable lover requires a person to display an escalating series of unique characteristics. “Prayers/Triangles” will help you meet many of them. Sentimental? That gentle little riff at the start says more than enough. Powerful and willing to take control? I think the chorus speaks for itself. Willing to take a long walk in the dark when you can’t cum because your sex organs have been rendered useless by various pharmaceuticals? Just read the lyrics.

18. “Genesis”

When it comes to letting others know your general level of horniness, it’s important to know your audience. Some people want Kenny G. Some people want ’90s R&B. And some people want “Genesis” by Deftones because you are in the most sexual of all stores: Home Depot. Forget whips and chains and say “Oh, hello,” to circular saws, nail guns, and all-weather decking. Hot. “Genesis” is the perfect song to try out your newfound “wearing nothing but steel-toed boots” kink with someone that probably voted for Trump in the last two elections. This sexy alt metal riff fest fills all political divides, if you know what I’m sayin’.

17. “U,U,D,D,L,R,L,R,A,B,Select,Start”

This ultra-rare Deftones instrumental is a great way to let potential mates know you’re not afraid to do drugs and have wild, uninhibited sex like they do in movies. You can drop everything and just live. Theoretically. You could do it whenever you want to, but who has that kind of time? I mean, there’s work, band practice, daily meditation, working out, art studio time, sessions with your life coach, recording your podcast, curating your collection of vegan broth recipes, and definitely something else. Right? You’ve probably gone to a pumpkin patch or haunted house at some point, but… You’re not purposely overscheduling yourself because the isolation of math rock jazz tabs and like three or four friends feels safer than engaging in unplanned social situations or driving in new neighborhoods. Nope. You’re up for anything. As long as you can check your Outlook calendar first.

16. “Entombed”

For whatever reason, adding a little synth to any song makes it just that much more… passionate. It says, “I had a Kraftwerk phase, and I’m a better lover because of it, baby.” Many incredibly talented musicians have picked up innumerable instruments and performed innumerable styles all in search of that which is available to anyone that has ever played synth: droves of insatiable lovers. So, if you don’t play synth, the next best thing is to play something with a little synth and a bare-chested, satin sheets energy like “Entombed” by Deftones. The answer to loneliness was there all along.

15. “Minerva”

“Minerva” is the perfect level of “I am a Deftones fan,” to share with others without immediately alienating them. Any babe could be persuaded to snuggle in and sway side-to-side as the shoegazey power of “Minerva” washes over your intertwined bodies. It could be magical. Keep that in mind if you’re trying to date someone that’s never cared about the Sacramento music scene. You’ll blow it if you start with “Hexagram,” “Bloody Cape,” or “When Girls Telephone Boys.” You’ll end up playing poker and shotgunning Red Bulls with your best friends like you do every other night.

14. “Needles and Pins”

When properly placed, this song can be the proverbial gasoline on the fire you’ve lit in a stranger’s corduroys. Secretly, we all know that love is pain and acknowledging the temporary nature of human attraction means that wearing a leather mask and asking to be spanked with frozen blocks of raw meat isn’t actually that weird. For some, this is several steps too far. They could be down with BDSM, leather, ass play, and meat paddles, but they might start to wonder, “God damn, this is A LOT of Deftones songs. Is that the only band on this playlist?”

Sure is. Looks like it’s time to get a new Dom.

13. “Mascara”

This is the kind of song that only your ex can hear. So, be strategic in your desperation. You had a lot of very good reasons to break up like your contempt for how they behave in public, treat your friends, and color outside the lines in their adult coloring book. But… damn. That ass still looks great on Instagram. Be warned: there is no romance here. “Mascara” will inspire a kind of angry–but efficient–warmth you can’t get anywhere else. It’s the kind of thing you’ll thoroughly enjoy because it only happens once-a-year. Like Labor Day.

Be careful and consider skipping “Mascara” unless absolutely necessary.

12. “Hearts/Wires”

Playing “Hearts/Wires” is hotel-bed-covered-in-rose-petals adjacent. It’s a bold move, and sometimes being uncomfortably horny requires you to take risks. This song is one of them. If this is going to work, be sure you’re wearing your silkiest flame shirt. Your tips need to be frosted as fuck, and your breath needs to smell like you’ve recently crushed a bean burrito and 24 oz Bud Light. Absolutely nothing is hotter than giving someone the chance to reconnect with the one that got away. “Hearts/Wires” evokes the visage of this exact person for most long-time Deftones fans. And you’ll be there waiting in the wings to get a little bit of the relief you so desperately need—like John Cusack in “Say Anything” if he was trying to bang adults that work at the mall.

11. “Street Carp”

As we draw closer to the top 10, we have to start thinking about what’s going to happen in the next 3-12 minutes–depending on your ability to run it back, of course. What are you going to do when a crowd of lusty weirdos whose foreheads are still stained from their most recent Manic Panic dye job want to know who you are? Are you going to tell a person that claims to be in a trip hop band how to contact you? “Street Carp” will set the record straight: this is purely clinical, friends. This song says, “I’d love to be able to enjoy the majesty of northern California’s rolling hills without thinking about how they look like a perfect pair of cheeks.” No one here has a real name or phone number or job, and what happens in Sacramento stays at the world’s most horrifying Radisson you can ever imagine.

10. “Birthmark”

The lone entry from 1995’s “Adrenaline” is “Birthmark.” This song has a flirty bass line and premature crescendo that says, “I’m an inexperienced lover, but I’ve seen a lot of it on TV!” This is a redundant statement because you’re wearing weed socks and playing Deftones on a bluetooth speaker in the park. Everyone knows, but no one standing around this gazebo is judging you for it.

9. “Change (In the House of Flies)”

Gang, we do need to talk about consent. Probably should’ve brought it up earlier, but it’s important to remember that your horniness is not in charge of you–you are in charge of it. So, please do not pull off anyone’s wings unless they ask. Consent is continually given, and whatever sexually-active insectoid being you’ve managed to start fucking can tell you at any time to stop tearing off its wings. These beautiful creatures love Deftones just like all of us, but they don’t have to let you rip hunks off their thorax just because Chino and the boys have you ready to gush.

8. “Pink Cellphone”

Is “Pink Cellphone” the most atmospherically erotic Deftones song? Not exactly. Is it the only Deftones song that explicitly discusses butt fucking and butt fucking “residue”? Yes. Save this song for a special occasion or until you’ve discussed any potential partner’s views on foreskin and the Hot Carl Institute. In the right company, this is a jackpot. Misplayed, this song lands you back on the incel message board.

7. “Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away)”

This is the song that launched a thousand makeouts in your high school art class’s supply closet. Even though the song is almost thirty years old, it’s said that playing “Be Quiet…” can still make a person’s pheromone production return to teenage levels. The first time Steph Carpenter hits a “berr-berr-de-be-be-berrr” on his guitar, it ignites the body’s cardiovascular system as it prepares to do something much more demanding than eating cereal in your mom’s tanning bed. And by the time Chino tells the listener he’s dressed them in a strange woman’s clothes and to drive away, well… the human endocrine and reproductive systems are positively in hyperdrive. No one listening to “Be Quiet and Drive…” is going less than 100 mph to reach the closest pair of nips and lips. Play this song and prepare to receive whatever svelte, love-thirsty being it reanimates in your fellow listener.

Be sure to pack enough rope to climb out of whatever crevice(s) you chose to explore!

6. “Knife Prty”

Everyone knows adult eroticism hinges on the delicate interplay of two main factors: cocaine and knives. And as luck would have it, “Knife Prty” has ‘em both! As a bonus, this weird-as-fuck track from “White Pony” also features the disembodied wails of the world’s horniest ghost! Urban legends say that if you play this song during a séance, you and a partner can have a threesome with that ghost on the astral plane. Weird fact, the ghost is former U.S. President Teddy Roosevelt. Keep that in mind if you’re trying to have a chill night of snorting rails off a stranger that you will later stab with a rusty pocket knife. President Roosevelt’s boundless appetite for thicc asses will understand. For now.

5. “Lucky You”

We’re in the top five, folks! The rest of this list should come with its own parental advisory because these songs are auditory erotica!

Playing “Lucky You” for someone also announces that you write Matrix fan fiction on the weekend. Unfortunately, you’re too self-conscious of your ability to describe the complicated love life of a man trapped in a world controlled by computers even though that plot is no longer science fiction. But since your short stories of Keanu Reeves kung-fu kicking his way to true love and healthy boundaries are collecting dust, play this song and wait for the right person to come along. Your Trinity–or Morpheus–will finally ask you what you’re wearing underneath that magnificent leather duster. Everyone else will know to stay a solid four to six inches away for the foreseeable future.

4. “Cherry Waves”

You can be more than one thing, and “Cherry Waves” is the perfect song to show off your sophisticated side. Those jazzy little instrumental builds right before the chorus croons a sexy little “YoooUUUUooooUUUUUUUUUU,” will remind everyone you own a waterbed and a toothbrush. And considering what else is out there, having a bed that isn’t your buddy’s couch and a night time hygiene routine counts as being sophisticated now. But while we’re on the topic of the aforementioned waterbed, let’s acknowledge that your bed is probably why you kinda always smell like trout and boat exhaust. Generally, filling your waterbed with sea water and sleeping in a bullet belt are bad ideas. They’re even worse ideas when you combo them, but at least you’re in the no cavity club!

3. “Passenger”

Sexuality is a spectrum, and “Passenger” is a bisexual anthem about being seduced by a wriggly little muscle Daddy that really needs a ride. Not even an album filled with noodley little cis-het love anthems and bare-knuckle chest beaters like “Korea” and “Elite” can deny the heat of Maynard James Keenan’s equator. We imagine he stopped doing geometry to record his vocals shirtless and smelling of leather–which is HAWT AF. Listen. You never know what opportunities might arise when you play Deftones songs over a loudspeaker at the county fair. Literally anyone could show up ready for a sexy country drive and then ask you to kill a stranger. Just be open to the opportunities that come along because we all know there won’t be many.

Carpe those cheeks, my friends!

2. “Sextape”

Most people find it hard to get their AirPods out after “Sextape” because the song is just soaking. And if you play it loud enough, everyone will wonder why because it’s impossible to listen to this song without needing a little downstairs rearranging. “Sextape” is for the bedroom. Or maybe a bathroom if you have a nice clawfoot tub. I could see a kitchen if you’re really spontaneous. I guess the basement if the kids are watching a movie upstairs would be fine, too, but “Sextape” is definitely not for your rec-league soccer team’s pre-game playlist. Time and place are everything.

1. “Digital Bath”

Here we are, folks! We’ve arrived at the all-time horniest Deftones song. If people haven’t figured out you’re a simmering pot of debilitating sexual energy, this last track will set the record straight!

24 breathy years after its release, “Digital Bath” is still the best way to remind everyone that you have been ready to hump for the last thirty minutes. While off-putting to some, others may see it as proactive, sex-positive language. But there’s so much more to you than just palpable horniness. You’re also deeply troubled! Seriously, how is “Digital Bath”–a song about killing someone with a toaster in the bathtub and then dressing their corpse–so… fuckin’… sexy?!

But it really is, right?! What the hell does that say about us? Damn. I thought we agreed not to kink shame.

There you have it! These 25 Deftones songs are guaranteed to let everyone know that you are throbbing, soaking, and sometimes both! YUCK! You might be asked to leave a birthday party or two for listening to this playlist, but you definitely won’t be leaving alone.

Anthropologists Believe Cro-Mags May Have Used Pro Tools In Late Hardcore Phase

Posted on by Rob Ryder

COLLEGE PARK, Md. – A new study suggests that the Cro-Mags may have used Pro Tools in the Late Hardcore Phase, contradicting earlier theories about the group’s ability to advance into modern times.

“For decades the academic community has accepted that the Cro-Mags could never have used Pro Tools, given their limited cognitive abilities and general lack of interest in literally anything mainstream,” said Dr. Brianna Foster of the Hardcore Institute’s Anthropologic Department. “The evidence, however, is all over, and I’m not referring to ‘The Age of Quarrel,’ that shit is legit. I’m talking about the Late Hardcore Phase, post millennium era. I don’t even need to show you hard evidence, just listen to the catalog–everything sounds a little too perfect, and there’s even a shift in release format. Why did they stop issuing vinyl? How’s that for a fucking sign?”

Cro-Mags fans were surprised and shocked at the revelation, including Dave Van Noik, who doubts the validity of the study’s findings.

“Analog–I’m talking about tape, here–is the only way to study the fossil record. It’s real, it’s raw, you ain’t gonna find the Cro-Mags on a fucking computer,” said Van Noik, getting increasingly agitated. “Late Hardcore Phase is so vague too, what is that supposed to be? This ain’t Third Wave Ska or Proto-Punk, it’s Hardcore, and it cannot be subdivided by some scientist nerd that has never stepped foot near a mosh pit and certainly has never done a stage dive.”

Steven Drenning of the Smithsonian Institute’s Museum of Natural History fears yet another schism in the hardcore community based on recent findings.

“Chaos, utter chaos, that’s what this leads to. Sometimes I think the academic community is just trying to stir shit up for no reason at all. The average hardcore fan does not give a fuck how a record is made, they just want to memorize the lyrics as fast as possible so they can look cool singing along at a live show,” said Drenning, gazing wistfully at a photo of Ian MacKaye circa 1981 A.D. “We’ve examined the records extensively, and I can conclusively say everything up to ‘Near Death Experience’ is done without Pro Tools or Logic or anything remotely modern or functional.”

“Besides, most of us at the Smithsonian kinda checked out when the Cro-Mags started taking each other to court over stupid legal bullshit, though,” added Drenning.

At press time, Dr. Foster was said to be preparing a definitive list of the entire population of the Cro-Mags, though others claim such a feat is impossible.

Photo by Selbymay.

Uh Oh: I Took 500MG of DMT and Even the Intergalactic Elves Just Told Me To Get a Job

Posted on by Malia Simon

Bad news, folks. This weekend I went on one of my journeys into the spiritual realm to convene with the higher beings and, rather than imparting zen wisdom, this time they just sat me down and told me to get a job.

“Why are things going wrong in my life?” I asked as soon as I caught glimpse of the guy. “Hit me with that spiritual truth. What is it? My failure to accept mortality? My attachment to ego-driven success? I can take anything.”

Nothing could have prepared me for what he said next, which was just: “I think maybe you should just get a job, man.”

Huh?? Aren’t you supposed to tell me to let go of earthly attachments or something?

“Yeah, normally we say that, but I don’t think you have any more to let go of. Unless you want to give away your mother’s basement couch or what you call your ‘good socks.’”

I was just as surprised as the rest of you to find out that even the intergalactic elves are starting to sound just like my fucking dad. Classic society, getting to people’s heads even in the sixth dimension. This guy was going on and on about the “hierarchy of needs,” when I thought the whole point of taking DMT was to blast to the top of the pyramid and completely bypass the bottom three. I started to worry if this was a waste of a trip, especially since I had scrounged my last $35 and library card to purchase the stuff. I tried persuading the guy a little more since he was not acting like his usual self.

“Come on man, blow on that little elephant pipe and make the walls have sex with me again.”

But to my disappointment, he awkwardly declined.

“Sorry man, I don’t do that anymore. It’s only fun with people who make at least $20k. Otherwise it just starts to get sad.”
Well, the fuck am I supposed to do now? I have 8 more hours left of this DMT trip to sit with the fact that my life sucks not due to the inherent suffering in life but due to the fact that I’m kind of lazy and have no health insurance. Talk about a high-killer.

“I don’t know, have you looked on Indeed?” he replied.

“How the fuck do you know about Indeed? You’re a sixth dimensional elf.”

“How do you think I got this job? I used to be a script supervisor for Disney.”

After that it was a lot of staring at the floor while he made insincere offers to pass on my resume. The good news is, no matter what this dude says, unless he is telling me everything is going just fine in my life, he’s not even real. I may be unemployed, but he’s nothing but a visual projection of my subconscious mind, and I can easily pass it off as a bad trip until he starts telling me what I want to hear again. Who’s out of a job now, motherfucker?

Eco-Conscious Punk Pretends Never Getting Driver’s License Was An Environmental Thing

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

PORTLAND, Ore.—Sage Copeland, who has never driven a day in his life, is adamant that his automobile abstinence is an environmental thing and nothing else, the 32-year-old vegan confirmed.

“Cars are destroying our planet, full stop, end of story,” said Copeland, breathing heavily as he walked his fixed-gear bike up a hill. “I would never in a million years make our dear mother Gaia choke on the wretched combustion of fossil fuels. I don’t even ride on public transportation anymore—anywhere I can’t get on my bike isn’t worth getting to. Just because I don’t happen to have the actual state-issued form of identification doesn’t mean that I’ve never passed a driver’s test. It means I’m protesting on behalf of the Earth herself.”

Copeland’s roommate Denise Lopez, however, offered a slightly different side of the story.

“Did Sage mention that he’s banned from taking Portland public transit after smoking cloves and drinking kratom on three separate TriMet buses?” asked Lopez, cleaning up someone else’s spilled PBR in the living room of their co-op. “He also probably didn’t tell you he showed up drunk as hell to his last driving test after trying to ‘calm his nerves’ with a gallon of homemade hard kombucha. He’s literally not allowed to enter any Oregon DMV location until like 2030. And honestly, he’s just one of those vaguely gay dudes who can’t drive. It’s a whole thing.”

A spokesperson for the state’s Driver & Motor Vehicles division confirmed that Copeland has in fact tried to obtain his driver’s license at least a handful of times.

“We aren’t normally permitted to speak on personal cases, but since Mr. Copeland’s kombucha-vomit-covered mugshot went viral last year, the public is already well aware of this individual and his prior attempts to become a licensed driver in Oregon,” explained Stan Nelson. “ Mr. Copeland, four years ago, inhaled nitrous oxide from a balloon while stopped at a red light. Thankfully, the instructor was able to shift the car into park while the driver laughed until he passed out. He’s simply lucky that the environmentalist angle has fooled his peers, family, and colleagues for this long.”

At press time, Copeland was seen begging a member of his co-op for a ride to the dispensary.

Odd: My Encyclopedic Knowledge of Eastern European Folk Horror Films Isn’t Attracting Women

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

Just like the bower bird with his bower or the black widow spider with his lively rump dance, human men often go to great lengths to impress potential mates. Some show off how much money they have. Some show off what kind of car they drive. Everyone tries to display their skill at something. For me, it’s Eastern European Folk Horror films, typically from the 60s and 70s. But if I know so many of them, why am I not getting laid?

I’m around so many arty-art girls. So many women who watched “Pearl” and “Midsommar” and (I assume) “Elektra” and just really felt seen by those films’ female gaze. Why is knowing about Eastern European folk horror any different?

Take “Valerie and Her Week of Wonders” (former Czechoslovakia, 1970). It’s a beautiful dream-like depiction of a thirteen-year-old girl, haunted by aging vampires and lustful priests, all in the springtime of her menarche. That’s art-girl stuff right there. It’s basically “Lady Bird” and “Twilight” put together. I assume. Never seen either. Why don’t women want me!?

I’m a simple man. I’m interested in two things: Criterion releasing a cover of “Viy” (former Soviet Union, 1967) and dating a girl who wears a choker even to formal events. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for. My friend Joel met his wife because they liked the same kinds of movies. And Joel watches garbage films. He thinks Scorsese is arthouse for God’s sake. He thinks that Buñuel is “too confusing.” Garbage. Smooth-brained garbage. And yet… alone am I.

Yes, not one woman has responded to my repeated texts of “‘Leptirica’ and chill?” It’s like they think I’m being weird. It’s not like I’m saying “Oh, come by and watch “‘Hagazusa’” (Austria, 2017). There’s literally never been a better girly-girl movie than “Leptirica.” (former Yugoslavia, 1973). Everyone on folk-horror Reddit is always talking about how Petar Božović is so baby-girl-coded in that movie.

But don’t despair for me completely. If you thought I had given up hope in using my love for the Eastern esoteric to find love from a woman, then you’d be wrong. Last month, I self-published a very well-respected monograph on “The White Reindeer” (Finland, 1952) and as a result, my DMs are gradually being slid into by copious quantities of Finnish foxes who want to move to America and marry me just as soon as I can send them some money to buy the plane tickets.

Florida Government Awards $500M In Grant Money To Research Cargo Shorts That Keep Balls From Sticking To Leg

Posted on by Josh Baumgart

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — The Florida Legislature announced the passing of a bill securing $500 million in grant money to develop a special cargo short that would prevent the scrotum from sticking to the leg in humid conditions, excited sources confirmed.

“Our great state has its issues: prescription drug abuse, hurricanes, rising tides, school textbooks, barbed wire tattoos, you name it. But this is the issue I hear about the most in our district by an overwhelming margin. Men are spending thousands of dollars extra on proper bottom wear each year and I think the people as a whole are fed up,” said Florida Senator Sonny McDermot. “So we were quick to get this pushed through the legislature; you’ll notice this spending bill was bipartisan and unanimous. The Florida government really works for the people.”

Scientists from state universities were quick to support the spending initiative with their research.

“Our study concluded that the average Florida man spends 13% of his day unsticking his balls from his hairy thigh,” reported Florida State University post-doctoral Fellow Dylan Keith. “Go outside in any town and you’ll no doubt see two or three guys doing that funny walk thing to free their scrotum. We call that the Florida Three Step. Now, this grant allows us to answer the question: what if that time was spent elsewhere? What could we accomplish? Think about 13% more jetski time, or more doing bath salts in the swamp time. Think about the implications of that.”

Many local residents like Braden Daniels expressed a reignited faith in civics after the passing of the spending bill.

“I just think it’s ridiculous that there’s this one issue that only affects dudes, and we’re penalized for it. If this experience has taught me anything, it’s that apparently writing to your Senator really does work,” said Daniels. “All it takes is one letter. I’d urge everyone who wants something to change to take the time to handwrite a note and mail it to the government. Then boom, equity happens. I’m proud of the government for taking a step towards gender equality.”

Press representatives from the Florida government confirmed that, once developed, the cargo shorts would be fully covered under all health insurance plans, with funding being redirected from the school system.

Opinion: I Sure Hope I Don’t Get Murdered at This Dinner Party Full of Colorful Eccentrics

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

What an incredible dinner party this is! I’ve never been in such a gorgeous yet oddly period non-specific mansion before, and definitely not one in such an isolated location where not even the police could reach anyone for hours.

Plus, I’ve never been surrounded by so many colorful eccentrics and devices that, while seeming innocuous, could potentially be used as a murder weapon. I sure hope none of them are used to murder me!

Now, it feels like it would be pretty unusual for someone to get killed at a dinner party, even if Commodore Cinnabar over there is staring way too intensely over me while weighing a sharp-edged Whiskey Decanter in his hand. But it could be that the horrible sights he has seen in his years in whatever undefined military he belongs to have just made him need a drink. I know I would!

Really, I have to get over the idea that someone would murder me at a dinner party of color-coded individuals who each seem to have professions that are easy to illustrate using broad caricatures. After all, why would someone kill me? Let alone Dr. Vermillion, currently toying with a heavy Butter Dish or Madame Eggshell-White, making jabbing motions at me with the Carving Fork.

My therapist says I need to work on these intrusive thoughts.

It’s just like that time I went to the will reading of my great-great-grand-uncle from Transylvania that I never knew I had and was worried that I might have to spend a night in some kind of castle, potentially a haunted one. What a silly worry that was!

However, it is odd that no one but me seems to be eating. After all, the almost entirely unseen staff of this mansion that we were all invited to via anonymous letters that promised to reveal a very important secret once we had dessert and cheese worked hard on this meal. It really would be a shame to let this goose in aspic go to waste!

Oh great, now we’re retiring to the parlor. I bet everything goes well in there. Things almost always do in parlors, in my experience.

Now, all we have to do is wait for our mysterious host to get here! Then I’m going to stab the fuck out of him.

Boy Caught Playing Bass After Lying to Mom About Being Out With Friends Doing Drugs

Posted on by Kimberly Scott

DARBY, Penn. — Local punk mother Janelle Zander was mortified to discover her son, whom she believed was out partying with friends, was actually diligently practicing bass, ashamed sources confirmed.

“It’s supremely cliche to say, but, you know, it’s not that I’m mad…I’m just deeply disappointed. As a parent, you try and try to raise someone of substance and worth, and here I am screwing up and raising an, ugh, upstanding citizen,” said Zander, as she received a stick-and-poke that read ‘MOTHER (I’M REFERRING TO MYSELF)’. “The worst part is, I know Matthew was lying about the ‘friends’ part of his alibi too now. There’s no bass player I’ve ever heard of who has any social circle whatsoever. Soon I suppose I’ll be finding out that he’s moved on to fretless or, I can’t even bring myself to say it…upright. Why oh why couldn’t he have taken to the acid-taking aspect of Flea’s personality and not the BASS-playing one?”

Zander’s teenage son says this is all a giant misunderstanding.

“It-it wasn’t mine! I was just slapping and popping it for a friend, so the strings wouldn’t get stiff, honest! I didn’t even like the sound! I thought it was a guitar, it’s not my fault they look so similar!” said the 13-year-old, while half-heartedly attempting to sound high. “I was going to go out and do some drugs right after, I promise! All sorts of drugs, like the ones they taught us in D.A.R.E…but, uh, they didn’t teach me! I wasn’t even paying attention, so I’m still going to do lots of them! In fact that’s how I got the instrument, I was just looking to freebase, but ended up with a free bass! Yeah, you can see why things got mixed up! So, can I have it back?”

Hector Schirripa, a guidance counselor at Penn Wood Middle, expressed his concern that Zander’s path could be a rocky one.

“Well, it goes without saying that we here at his school will be recommending suspension, that’s for sure. Although, between you and me, that usually affords the little delinquents more free time to explore the seedy depths of the low-end, so I don’t foresee that being a solution in the long run,” said a mournful Schirripa. “I tell you, how these things are still legal I’ll never understand. Teaching is often rewarding, but one downside is you see more than your fair share of youth get corrupted by the likes of your Claypools and Bootsy Collins’. There’s only so much guidance you can give a kid once they’ve bought their first Jaco Pastorious LP. After that, all you can do is just hope and pray it doesn’t lead to a jam band.”

At press time, Zander was heard trying to convince his mother the Bass Player magazines under his bed were just “oddly-themed issues of Hustler.”

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week That Are Probably Too Woke For Noel Gallagher

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Well, it’s been another terrifying week but you’ve made it through with your heart, brain, and most of your fingers intact. Oh, we almost forgot about your ears. If the ringing has stopped from your neighbor’s marathon fireworks show, you’ll probably want to warm them back up with some new tunes. We’ve got just the thing for you. Here are six new songs to help ease your physical and metaphysical woes.

The Voidz ‘Overture’

For the first time in nearly six years, The Voidz are releasing a new album entitled ‘Like All Before You.’ In contrast to the vibe of the album title and in typical Voidz fashion, the lead single ‘Overture’ is an ominous and brooding synth instrumental that definitely isn’t making us scared for the full album at all. It’s hard to say how much more we’ll get to hear before the whole thing drops, but we’re drafting our wills now just in case.

Honeyglaze ‘Cold Caller’

Someone on the internet recently said we don’t listen to enough UK bands. First off, we don’t care what that person thinks of us. Secondly, it really bothers us that they said that. Especially when considering how hyped we are Honeyglaze’s new LP. The latest single, ‘Cold Caller,’ is a dizzying indie ode to feeling so lonely that you’d willingly chat with telemarketers or, in our case, that jerk in our comment section.

Show Me the Body ‘It Burns’

It wasn’t the holiday that made us slow to respond to your emails. We just blacked out for a full 48 hours after hearing Show Me the Body’s new single ‘It Burns.’ Good god, it’s heavy. Maybe learn from our mistakes and make sure you are in a spot with a lot of padding before the synth bass drops in. It’s a doozy and dangerously close to brown-noting you out of your favorite pair of jorts.

The World Is A Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid to Die ‘Kersed (Ceremony Cover)’

We’ll have to make this brief since the band name has taken up nearly half of our allotted word count, but holy fucking shit, TWIABP’s cover of Ceremony’s ‘Kersed’ is a thing of beauty. While a hardcore bent has never not been inferred within even the softest of TWIABP’s sonic output, it really is something to hear it laid out so blatantly and with such vigor. The old adage is true, even sad boys know how to open up that pit.

Los Campesinos! ‘kms’

It’s been three years shy of a decade since indie-pop legends Los Campesinos! released a record, and they are set to end that silent streak in just a few weeks with a new album, ‘All Hell.’ The final lead single ‘kms’ features keyboardist Kim Paisey taking the majority of the lead vocal duties, adding a soft touch to the suburban-emo malaise. It’s the kind of track that will inspire multiple entries in the diary you refuse to admit you have.

Mechanical Canine ‘Mechanical Canine Saves Emo’

You’re right to look at this song title with suspicion, but the Philly based DIY punks known as Mechanical Canine might actually do it. The lead single from their forthcoming third LP, ‘To My Chagrin,’ is a total fucking blast. It’s an earworm track that demands repeat listens – especially if you want to drown in that beautiful outro on the bandcamp version. Thanks for being the emo saviors that no one asked for but totally needed, Mechanical Canine.

We know six songs isn’t enough to fill the void, so we’ve compiled these and probably too many more into a massive and disorienting playlist. Click here to like, follow, and never be left alone with your thoughts again.

I Didn’t Get The Sex Talk But I Was Left Unsupervised At Spencer’s Gifts

Posted on by Josh Baumgart

Growing up as a millennial was tough. The internet came along and changed the world, and our parents were too self-absorbed and lead-poisoned to ever show any real interest in our development. My dad never sat me down to tell me about the birds and the bees, but he would drop me off at the mall by myself when I was 11 so he could go drink at Walter’s Pub on the weekends. My sex education came from the novelty items lining the shelves at Spencer’s, and it’s served me well.

One thing I kept hearing about during my teenage years was “safe sex.” Gotta be safe. Gotta use protection. I remembered Spencer’s had condoms. But I have no idea what flavors are good. How do you choose a flavor? I was never brave enough to ask the cute goth girl working the cash register for a sample. Do you ask your partner beforehand what flavor they want? And how do you find a size? I’d only see comically small and comically large, and unfortunately I was with endowed with a unit that is comically average. This crippling condom anxiety prevented me from having sexual relations well into my 30s. Man, I wish they covered that in school.

Also, apparently you graduate from underwear? I’ve had a few girlfriends and I keep asking them when they will be wearing that candy underwear. They tell me that it’s a joke, a gag, that if they actually wore that they would get a terrible infection. But Spencer’s would never sell something that isn’t safe. Their fart detector was one of the best gadgets I ever purchased. I’ve been wearing leather underwear from Spencer’s for years, and yeah, it caused a few rashes at first, but once my skin callused over I was in good shape. Maybe I should buy one of those rad leather harnesses. That’ll for sure attract the ladies.

Spencer’s also had a lot of sex games which I’ll often bring on first dates. The game “Lick, Suck, or Swallow” acts as a subtle icebreaker and gives me a good idea of what sort of lover my date might be. Or I suggest we play Twister. Nothing sets the mood more than a game of Twister. But nothing beats the sex dice. That way, if I don’t know what I’m doing, it’s all on the dice. I’ll look like an idiot without the sex dice.

Without Spencer’s I wouldn’t be the man I am today. I was lucky enough to memorize at least 15 pages from the book about sex positions and someday I plan on trying each one of those. To date, I’ve tried two, I just need to find the right woman who also had negligent parents.