LIVINGSTON, Tenn. — Local police officer Brad Jenkins vocally expressed concern that illegal immigrants were in town eating all of the neighborhood dogs he was already planning on shooting, concerned residents confirmed.
“I knew these illegals were up to no good! Taking our jobs wasn’t enough, now they’re killing and eating pets? What the hell am I supposed to do if I can’t walk onto someone’s property unannounced and shoot whatever dog gives me the side eye, all because Biden let in foreigners who turned that dog into a stew!” said Jenkins. “Trump wouldn’t have said those things during the debate if it weren’t true. I’m fully ready to protect my community from foreign invaders and protect myself from beloved domesticated animals. They need to learn I’m not a threat, and the only way to do that is by firing at them indiscriminately.”
The Livingston Mayor’s office spent much of the morning attempting to quell Jenkins’ panic over the rumors.
“We’ve begged Officer Jenkins to stand down as the reports of pets being eaten are completely false. But since last night’s presidential debate he’s had his riot gear on and continues to interrogate any person of color on the street about their dietary habits and their favorite dog breeds. If we don’t rein him in we’re looking at multiple class action lawsuits,” said mayoral aide Ellis Carver. “Now he’s taking pot shots at animals from his squad car in an attempt to, as he put it, ‘scare them back inside but also let them know who’s boss’. It’ll cost us the election but it would be easier to dismantle the police force at this rate.”
The town’s neighborhood watch members have been on high alert since Officer Jenkins began his crusade.
“Believe us when we say that Officer Jenkins’ heart is in the right place, but he needs to focus on the real problems plaguing this town like the guy Paulo from down the street, I think he might be Mexican, but he also might be Italian. Either way, he threw a candy bar wrapper on the ground one time. And if that guy is allowed to destroy our town then how am I supposed to feel safe driving after I’ve had a few beers? And I don’t know what would happen if he littered near the tire fire in my front yard,” said Connor O’Hara. “I know Officer Jenkins is on this crusade to stop these foreign dog eaters, but we’ve asked him to look into Old Man Wallace’s place multiple times because any animal be it dog, cat, or squirrel that wanders onto his property are never seen again. And he’s local!”
As of press time, Jenkins was placed on indefinite desk duty after shooting a sleeping dog because he saw its owner firing up their grill.
“I know not of this 9/11 you speak, but from today henceforth I solemnly vow that I shall know no rest until I have found it and made it taste the full might of my hammer! Can you describe the beast?”
Hulk’s alter ego Bruce Banner provided an understandable reason for not stopping one of the greatest tragedies on American soil.
“If they let the only all-girl team stop 9/11 the internet manosphere would fucking riot.”
“Best we could have done was make 9/11 smaller, or possibly bigger.”
“No matter how many form-fitting tactical outfits I did kicks in that day those planes just kept coming. Oh well, can’t win ’em all!”
“I stop 9/11 every day! Sorry I took one day off in 2001!”
“First I’m hearing of it.”
“I’ve been petitioning Boeing for years to build an airplane that explodes when you hit it with an arrow, but do they listen?!”
“Don’t blame me! I voted for Gore.”
“I’ve never seen 9/11, I think it came out before I was born? I heard it was great though.”
“I can’t really remember what I even do. I’m like a magic guy, right?”
“I stopped 9/11 in a bunch of other universes but honestly, after a few dozen, you get bored.”
“Because no one said ‘exhibition, tarnished, eleven, ladies night, microwave, forty-two, subway car, Dallas’ to me in that exact order.”
“If 9/11 didn’t happen, they never would have made “Loose Change.” I love that movie!”
“Did you ask Queen Elizabeth II the same question? How about King Willem-Alexander of the Netherlands? You see where I’m going with this.”
“Seriously? My name is WAR MACHINE. Maybe if it was “Peace Machine” I would have done something, but probably not because “Peace Machine” sounds like a real bitch if you ask me!”
“There’s actually no spell for stopping 9/11s. I got Pearl Harbor, January 6th, The Challenger explosion, but no 9/11. It’s weird!”
“By the time we found the perfect song to stop 9/11 too, it was already too late. Chumbawamba, “Tubthumping.”
“Well, the first time I lived through 9/11 I was frozen in a block of ice so, you know, absent excused. The second time let’s see, I was probably balls deep in my girlfriend Peggy Carter. We would have been in our early 70s by then but she was still a whole lot of woman, and me? Well, I’m Captain America.”
“I actually DID stop 9/11, but it didn’t test well so we went into reshoots. We just wrapped and even though that horrible tragedy still happened, I think the audience is going to be happy with the results. You didn’t hear this from me but… Red Hulk. Ha! I’ve said too much.”
“I was dealing with my own personal 9/11 at the time, by which I mean two female flutists from the London Philharmonic. One was a nine, and the other, let me tell you, she was an eleven. You get that I had sex with them, right?”
“The same reason we haven’t prevented any of the huge global catastrophes we’ve idly witnessed through the ages, we don’t GIVE A FUCK yo!”
“Using the Eye of Agamotto, I glimpsed into over 14 million possible futures, and the one where 9/11 happened was the only one where we got U.S ground forces into Iraq. I allowed 9/11 to happen for the greater good, and history will vindicate me along with the Bush administration.”
We didn’t have tightrope or alligators at our disposal so we jumped directly into the gator tank at the zoo, Harambe style. However, we were immediately tackled by several zookeepers and busted our shoulder. Would not recommend. Turns out, it didn’t even look cool.
The environment seemed perfect. We stole a bunch of armor from the museum, fashioned jousting weaponry out of two-by-fours and aluminum foil, and stole our little brothers’ bicycles. Unfortunately, the first responders didn’t find any of this funny.
Not only will you leave the ER with lifelong debilitating injuries, but you will also have to spend the night in jail for trespassing into a country club, not to mention stealing all the golf carts and defacing private property. We did not see any of this coming. Even after careful planning.
Telling the ER you got mauled by a bear will instantly make them empathize. But the minute you tell them you smothered yourself in honey and salmon chunks and strapped yourself to a chair in the middle of grizzly country beforehand, it’s like you don’t even exist to the medical community. What gives?
To perform this stunt, all you need is a few hundred bees. So we found the closest nest, lathered our genitals in honey, and the stunt just did itself. Mind you, if you are allergic to bee stings, you will need medical attention almost immediately and will be forced to turn your entire paycheck over to a corporate hospital until further notice.
Who knew a golf course could be so hazardous? For this one, we would blow our airhorn right as an unsuspecting golfer was about to take their swing. This only seemed to anger people. One of them hit a golf ball directly at us while we were hiding in the bushes as retaliation. It hit us square in the head. There’s still a noticeable lump. We will never be the same.
This one was more on us. Sure, we tried every element the Jackass crew did for this one, only we didn’t have enough money for an actual cup and jockstrap part. In hindsight, medical debt is actually way pricier than the 35 bucks we should’ve just scrounged together. In conclusion, having no cup failed every test.
This one involves a giant prop hand that wallops you unsuspectingly as you walk through a doorway. Seems tame enough. Only one of us was holding a collection of knives, razorblades, and generic sharp objects. Let’s just say the blood stains won’t come out of the carpet.
For this one, the Jackass boys stuffed a toy car up one of their asses to pull a harmless little prank on the local butt doctor. But we couldn’t just be derivative and do the exact same thing, so we stuffed about a dozen of them up there. The doctors had more questions than we had answers.
This one involved two very specific elements: a children’s playground and a live bull. However, it’s not as easy as you would think to get your hands on a four-way teeter-totter. Though it’s shockingly quick to get a particularly muscular and angry cattle. We decided to go with swings instead of a totter. We got demolished almost instantly.
This one also involves a bull. Figured since our buddy already loaned us his bull for the day, might as well take full advantage. But now we are seeing that the more time you spend with a bull the more suffocating medical debt you will rack up. Stay far away from bulls as humanly possible.
Just like in the movie, the rocket we put together from scratch completely self-destructed as we tried to launch it into the lake while straddling it. That’s the last time we order a 12-foot rocket from the dark web. Their return policy is surprisingly strict.
Turns out, making everyone you know shit in a porta potty, strapping it to bungee cords, and launching it straight up in the air with you in it is a total nightmare. We passed out immediately and when we came to we were leaving the hospital with a bill that was equivalent to paying for six new Kia Souls.
Famous boxer and internet personality Jake Paul was kind enough to agree to beat the crap out of us in the middle of a Kohl’s. In fact, he said “yes” before we even finished our sentence. In the end, we somehow sustained six concussions with one punch from him. He’s clearly pummeled guys in the jeans section before.
The premise seemed simply enough. Take a 15-foot long anaconda and submerge in a ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. Then go ahead and try to wrangle the thing with your best bud. Luckily, these types of snakes aren’t venomous, but somehow it still hurts like hell after a good 25 bites.
